I had recently separated from my husband. He had a drinking problem that I was trying to ignore. A couple of my close friends knew some of what was happening at my house. A few months before my husband and I separated, one of my friends strongly encouraged me to go to Al‑Anon. I was in complete denial and didn’t want to add another thing to deal with to my crazy life.
A couple of months after we separated, I finally attended my first meeting. I went because I feared for my kids’ safety while they were at their dad’s, and it was almost too much to bear. My fear for their safety was now greater than my shame and fear of admitting that my husband had a drinking problem. I remember shaking when going to my first meeting, my second meeting, and my third meeting. I could barely read the Twelve Steps. I was still afraid of facing the reality of the situation I had lived with for several years, as well as the new situation of making sure my kids were okay when they were under their dad’s care.
Why did I originally come? Initially it was hard to do, but I had tried everything else. I wanted to find the serenity that I sensed in the people at the meetings. I learned that I was there for me, that I did not cause my husband to drink, and that I was not responsible for him or his actions. The word “love” was mentioned several times. I wanted that and peace.
Why do I continue to come back? I realized that Al‑Anon has been one of the best gifts I have been given in my life. Living with the disease of alcoholism had taken away almost everything in my life—my confidence, my security, and my trust in almost everything and everyone. Working the Al‑Anon program helped to build myself back up and gave me so much more than I ever thought possible. Even though I still deal with many of the day-to-day effects of alcoholism on myself and my kids, I have an amazing life beyond anything I had ever dreamed. I am now living life, dealing with the tough stuff, and enjoying the wonderful things that life has to offer.
I have been in Al‑Anon for three years. I keep coming back for so many reasons, but the most important to me is that I am a better, more fulfilled person than I was yesterday, and I see how the next day will be better than the day before for the rest of my life while I continue to participate in all that Al‑Anon has to offer me.
By Anonymous
The Forum, January 2021
Feel free to reprint this article on your website or in your newsletter, along with this credit line: Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
I am actually here because my adopted teen daughter has recently started drinking heavily and it has led to a lot of problems. However, my ex-husband was and is an alcoholic. We were married ten years and I gave up a huge part of my life for him and despite all my efforts he actually walked out and left me. It was really lonely being married to an alcoholic. He barely spoke to me and spent most of his time sitting in his truck chain smoking and drinking then would go to bed. We have an adopted 14 year old… Read more »
Thank you for this post. It meant the world to me. I don’t feel so alone after reading this, it gives me a sense of hope. More importantly I feel less embarrassed. I’ve always tried to hide the issue and pretend it wasn’t there or that it had gotten better or gone away. Thinking I looked like such an idiot for remaining in the situation. At times I feel like no one understands. It is hard to explain to those looking in. I stopped trying, I cutoff all contact with anyone I was ever close to in fear that they’d… Read more »
Thank you for posting this. It’s been over 10 years with my boyfriend (alcoholic), and I feel lonely most of the time, and know I need to start making friends. Starting to reach out to Al-Anon as a newcomer.
This thread has been just what I needed to feel the community from Al-Anon and know I’m not alone. I have a 6 month old and 4 year old and I’m finally coming to realize how much our family has been dealing with the affects of alcoholism. I’m sure my husband and I are on the brink of separating and I’m terrified, lonely and uncertain. I’m trying to let God have the reigns but it’s so hard with 2 babies to protect and plan for. I love my husband and I’m also afraid for his safety and health, but I’m… Read more »
Good afternoon I am coming and joined because I am married to an alcoholic. I am starting to realize there is nothing I can do right for him to make him want to be with me. I feel lost and alone in the marriage. Everything I attempt to do to change that he expects from me just turn into him asking something else of me to change. It’s an on going cycle of what I don’t do. I have no idea if this is right forum but I’m at a lost and have no idea what I have done to… Read more »
I got to the point where I became invisible. For so long I thought it was me. I felt like an alien in my own home. I’ve been with drinkers before but this time felt different. She doesn’t get angry or violent. She’s all about laughter and fun. I thought that meant it was ok. Now I know it’s not. I’m scared to stay and scared to leave.
Wow did I need to see this specific post! I have a wonderful life, give thanks for all we have yet am so frightened of losing it all due to my husband’s drinking.
Your story seems similar to mine. We’re on 4 months almost of being separated and just over 2 month of him being out of the house. The last 2 visits with our daughter have been here because he can’t drive with her due to alcoholism. But I can’t have him always coming to my home and our space but how do I prevent that and still keep visits but ensure our daughter is safe with him. I’m so torn.
Please visit our Newcomers page to find out how Al-Anon can help and the Meetings page to find a meeting in your area. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic many face-to-face meetings are currently unavailable and we invite you to try an electronic meeting. Al-Anon Family Groups offer a large list of electronic meetings on a variety of platforms, including Zoom, Skype, WhatsApp, email, and phone. In addition, the meetings are available at all hours of the day, and some even 24 hours a day.
Thank you for sharing your struggle and how much the group has helped you. It gives me hope that I will find the same peace in this new journey.
Thank you for sharing. I have been married for 44yrs. Alcoholism has made me lonely and fearful of poverty in old age. I try every [day] to address my fears. I pray to know God’s will for me. I am grateful for what I have but think I deserve better. Recently I wish I had divorced, but I hadn’t the Courage so I have to accept that about myself. Isolating from Covid makes it harder as he is in the house all the time.
I have a similar experience and yes Al-Anon was a lifeline!!
Thank you for sharing. Yours is the first post I’ve read and it gives me a little hope. Thank you
Thanks for sharing. Your life and Al-Anon experience show the healing power of this program!
Thank you so much for sharing this post. I am a Ordained Minister and believe in trusting God for deliverance and prayer. My wife and I have been married 51 years as of December 17, 2020. My wife has had a drinking problem almost through our entire marriage. I served in the US Army and had a tour of duty in Korea from 1970 -1972. When I returned from active duty I noticed my wife has a drinking problem. I thought it was ok to have a drink every now and then. Over a period of time things began to… Read more »
Thank you for sharing. How did you take that first step in finding a meeting? I’m feeling overwhelmed (toddler at home and 7 months pregnant) but know i need something. For the sake of my babies and my sanity…I’m just struggling with that first step.
Thank you so much for your post. I have been wanting to go to Al-anon for a long time & after reading this I feel confident enough to make that phone call. My husband of 49 years is an alcoholic & I am going downhill fast. I feel so empty& sad & have lost interest in everything.
So again thank you for your post, it was very helpful to me.