Over the last couple of weeks, I have found myself feeling increasingly inadequate and hopeless. I have been questioning my decisions and feeling incredibly lonely and isolated. Many people experiencing COVID-19 have been feeling isolated and overwhelmed, but my disease took me to a very dark place—the same place I was when I found Al‑Anon many years ago.
Growing up in the family disease of alcoholism, I learned and practiced many unhealthy behaviors in my life. Becoming doubtful that I could ever change, I frequently wondered about taking my life. Finding Al‑Anon was my turning point. I attended meetings, read Conference Approved Literature, and eventually had the courage—it took a while—to ask someone to be my Sponsor. With my Sponsor’s help, I completed all Twelve Steps and transformed my life. After many years of constantly considering suicide as a solution, I was able to find hope and, with that, peace. Said simply, Al‑Anon saved my life.
So, I was a little startled recently, while attending an online meeting, to hear a Step One question from Reaching for Personal Freedom (P-92): “What situations in my life have returned me to Step One?” I suddenly recognized that I was once again in despair. Thankfully, the recognition comforted me. I realized I was experiencing the first of the three A’s (awareness, acceptance, action). Along with it came acceptance of my current spiritual condition. I was feeling hopeless. Then what I’d learned in the program guided me to the last A, action. I selected my emoji to share and opened up about my current feelings of desperation.
As always, sharing out loud relieved me of my immediate suffering and gave me the ability once again to listen for solutions. Those who followed shared similar experiences of powerlessness in facing the ongoing isolation of the COVID-19 lockdown. But they also shared the Al‑Anon tools they were using to find hope. We were being restored to sanity—together.
I have had the great good fortune to be able to give back to Al‑Anon in many ways throughout my recovery journey. What this experience reminded me, though, was that often the most important service each of us has to offer—regardless of how long we have been members or how well we feel we are working the program—is the willingness to admit our powerlessness and share our desperation. As it says in Sponsorship, What It’s All About (P-31), in those moments “it’s like being lost in the woods: If we find someone else who is lost, it is comforting when that person says, ‘I’m lost too. Let’s see if we can find our way out together.’”
As a relatively longtime member of Al‑Anon, I see attending meetings as both a necessity and a responsibility. I have received so much through this program, my Sponsors, and being of service. I am grateful for the opportunity to be there for the newcomers and the other longtime members. Like me, they have days when they cannot find their Higher Power or their Al‑Anon tools. Like them, I need the fellowship of other members to guide me back to the solution. I am grateful to all the members who have adapted to this very challenging environment to ensure that Al‑Anon will always be there.
By Vali F., Executive Director
The Forum, September 2020
Feel free to reprint this article on your website or in your newsletter, along with this credit line: Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
I had heard about this share and so glad I took the time to find it! So grateful it was so easy to find! It’s months after this post. I got out of a bad work environment just three weeks ago and am feeling much better now. But over the summer, I was feeling despair. It’s actually still hard to write that now even after the feeling has passed. Even though the feeling has passed, I can still touch it. I had heard about a very vulnerable share from one of our trusted servants having to do with feelings in… Read more »
Thank you for sharing your story, VaIi. As a long time member, somtimes I hesitate to share when I feel some old issue coming back up again. I need to remember that sharing a difficult topic puts it out on the table, and out from our spinning head. Then there is room to hear experience, strength and hope from others about the subject. That happened yesterday in my meeting. I shared about my father’s WWII PTSD and receved a new perspective on his feelings and actions. He had a day like 9/11 almost daily for years, back then! How did… Read more »
I have recently gone back to counseling. Al-Anon works and it’s always ok to go for outside help.
Perfect for Suicide Prevention Month! Thanks for posting!
I’ve been struggling with this too! Thank u for writing about it.
Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you
I am a 79 year old granny who has a 14 old granddaughter. She has talked about suicide. This morning I was remembering when I was 14 and felt the same way. I read some CAL and prayed to my HP asking help for ways to reach out to her. Last night I shared with my son and his wife some of my experiences growing up with alcoholism. That was the first time I have been able and be open and honest with one of my children. I am so gratefull for my years in Al-Anon. With the help of… Read more »
Thank you for this very powerful and relatable share.
I just want to say I felt like I wasn’t worthy of life, I wished I would just die. Today 5+ years I have learned to talk to God. I use to beg from God, now I talk, he listens, never judges me and many times gives me the strength to make a good decision. This program has saved my life and has shown me that there are people just like me just wanting to be healed one day at a time.
Grateful for Al-Anon💙
Thank you for sharing.
I’ve found Al-Anon so helpful for the despair I felt before coming in. Lately it sure feels like Groundhog Day, and I certainly get hopeless. Some members of my group are meeting outdoors and that’s felt like a tiny bit of a reprieve. Thank you for sharing so personally and vulnerably. I appreciate the hard work you are doing in this time of few resources – personally and professionally!
Thank you Vali for your honesty and openness. I feel so blessed that Al-Anon was there for me in my lowest time when contemplating throwing myself off London Bridge. Instead I went into an Al-Anon meeting and it saved my life for that day. The next morning the bleakness overwhelmed me again. I was still living with my (now ex) husband who was in chronic active alcoholism. I was lucky enough to get to an open AA meeting. The people I listened to in both meetings were instrumental in me carrying on putting one foot in front of the other.… Read more »
Thank you so much for your share. I am so grateful for the fellowship of Al-Anon to help guide me back to the solution and to keep the focus on myself.
Thanks Vali for the understanding that sometimes, especially during the isolation of these COVID lockdown times, that finding H.P. and/or the Al-Anon toolbox can be difficult.
I’m so grateful to have the fellowship to get me back on the treasure trail track to using the precious jewels offered by the program. Stay safe and well everyone.
Thank you, Vali, for your sharing. I relate. Hugs😘
Thank you, Vali, for opening your heart to us. Thank you also for the wonderfully humorous message you gave as the Spiritual Speaker of the 2018 PA Assembly.
What a great reading. Thanks for sharing. This is what Al-Anon is all about. Sharing our experiences and growth with the tools we have found that could lead us a step forward on our spiritual path… meetings, CAL, Sponsorship, fellowship, spiritual principles, service. All these tools have been a treasure for me during this pandemic of Covid-19.