As the wife of an active alcoholic, I have been awakened hundreds of nights by crashes of glass, yells from the other room, or intrusions into the bedroom where I was attempting to sleep. Usually these would occur at about three or four o’clock in the morning, and I would often react with screams of my own, usually in the form of insults or threats. I would stomp out to the porch, feeling justified in releasing my venom. All that these actions did, though, was assure that I would stay awake, thus affecting the following day, as well as the rest of that night. My solution was to make a sign and place it on my nightstand which read—
Once the alcoholic starts drinking, he is no longer himself, and so I am wasting my breath and destroying my serenity by talking to the bottle.
This strategy works much of the time, although sometimes I still have my lapses. It reminds me that our program is about “Progress Not Perfection.”
By Karlyn P., Florida
The Forum, July 2018
I lived with my on again-off again boyfriend for almost ten years. His drinking has either lead him to be a giddy chatty slurring idiot or a moody verbally and or physically abusive cruel stranger. I’ve made decisions I am ashamed to admit to. I’ve placed my relationship above my kids well-being, I put his needs before mine. He lost one job into our living with my family. There have times where he would be off work for months due to injury and illness. He’s lived rent free. When he did pay rent, he would sometimes be short….always unreliable with… Read more »
Oh this all sounds so familiar! Been with my husband for 35 years and not sure how much longer I can do this. His drinking has changed the core of who I am. I no longer know who I am. Am I the person he sees through his alcoholic eyes? Am I the cause of everything wrong in our lives? Why does he blame me for everything? I can barely get up with the crushing weight of guilt that I have caused all of this. I’m so miserable, angry, hurt, resentful, tired and oh so lonely. I’m tired of going… Read more »
You can find a list of online meetings at https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/virtual-meetings. Hope this helps!
I have read all these comments and been there, done that I had to drag my husbands drunk as on an airplane to TX where I got him in detox. Then 30 rehab at $50,000 uninsurable expense Then 2 versions of intensive outpatient Now I am looking for an online group of Al Anon for wives. The meetings I have gone to are all mothers Most wives of long time alcoholics are smart and get out My husband and I have been married for 35 years We had our own company and lived on an island so leaving with our… Read more »
This is great for me to read these comments, like going to a meeting! I am mad at my husband, who has a process addiction and, I feel so lucky to have found alanon and have a program. I know I will change and recover myself. For this moment, I am stepping back. I will count my blessings: that we both have recovery and this too shall pass. Because my husband doesn’t actually drink, it can be tricky for me to detach and see at times, I am talking to an inebriate. Oh well, for tonight my friends, I put… Read more »
I feel powerless. Angry. Destroyed. Reclusive. Embarrassed. Confused. Resentful.
I’ve been with my husband 6 years. Dated 5, married 1. I often ask myself why I married him- I’m convinced it’s becauae I thought I could save him from his memories of childhood trauma, and himself… alcohol. He’s a wonderful man. Sober. But he has a tendency to get so drunk it lands him on the hospital for fear of wetbrain. He’s a binge drinker. Drinks about once every 3 months, lasting roughly 4 days. But it’s getting worse. He’s getting sloppy to the point that he doesn’t even try to hide it anymore. Or when he’s caught- he… Read more »
Wow, these stories all sound so familiar it’s scary. Never was in a relationship with an alcoholic until my new husband whom I’ve been married to for 5 years now. He has probably been an alcoholic most of his adult life and his dad is also an alcoholic. I have been the classic enabler, making sure he is safe once he starts drinking, making excuses for his drinking, you name it. He cannot stop once he starts and gets sloppy, crazy drunk and it has now affected his federal job. I am at my wits end and really need to… Read more »
His drinking has drained me to the point I am not myself anymore. He is disabled – physically and mentally and it gets worse w/ drinking. I am the lease holder and everything is in my name. He should be the one to leave. If I had the means, I would just pack up my kids and me and find another home. Getting him to leave will be dangerous and full of drama. This guy isn’t afraid of the police and if they come here for him – it will be nasty, someone will probably get hurt. I need a… Read more »
My husband of four years on a good, sober day is amazing. He is attentive, loving, and helpful. He is disabled and can no longer work full time due to illness. But he works around the house and helps so much…again, on good, sober days. Many years ago he had a horrible illness that caused him to nearly lose his life. He is a diabetic, and is on numerous medications. He is in constant pain. There are times he says he can’t get any relief and drinks. He has always had these problems since before we married. I thought I… Read more »
Reading all these post has been an eye opener for me. I’m getting married in December. He is a functional alcoholic. Has a good job and is even buying the business he works at. He is a great guy. I love him. He however drinks everyday and the night before a day off, he really ramps it up. He says he needs it to relax and to sleep. As I’m writing this I am meant to be at work. I had to take the day off due to lack of sleep. The loud voice, which he says isn’t keeping me… Read more »
I feel like I’m reading about my life in these posts. Here’s my story. My husband has been a functional alcoholic for many years and a heavy drinker since college. He is a high earning professional that hates his job and has a long commute and so uses that as an excuse to relieve tension at the end of the work day and on weekends. He can take a day or two off from drinking without feeling withdrawal symptoms so he is in denial about his problem. He averages 100 drinks per week, usually vodka. His tolerance is so high… Read more »
30 yrs married, kids all left home and all he does every night is drink. He always says he will stop, it’s the job, the worry of being the only earner. My MS is severe and not entitled to help as he’s working.
I’m at the end, no family to help, in a country that’s not my own and no money to leave and nowhere to go. Feel I need to keep it all together until our son’s wedding in December then that’s all 4 sons settled and my job is over.
I’m reading all these comments at 1:31am. I’m supposed to get up and work at 5:30 and know that isn’t going to happen now. My husband has now finally fallen asleep on the couch but I’m still worked up and can’t sleep. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t do this anymore. Tonight he ran into some friends of ours that we hadn’t seen in at least 10 years. Helped one of them dig their truck out of a ditch so of course they went out for a beer to catch up after. Only it wasn’t just a… Read more »
I have read over a number of these postings and in each one I see two or three familiar traits. I have hope. My husbands has overcome many obstacles in his life. He has quit some pretty hard drugs and quit pot just before I met him. Alcohol is the last hurdle, but like many of these postings, he can’t quite get past this. He does not recognize that alcohol is an addiction, just like the other addictions. He justifies his drinking. He hides his drinking. Lately things have gotten out of control. Last week his drinking and obsessive behavior… Read more »
I am currently engaged to a functioning alcoholic. We have been together for almost 6 years, and engaged and living together for 6 months. His drinking has been only on weekends usually, however the last couple of years it’s gotten worse and worse. Any day off he has, he drinks as soon as he is awake. He tries to make sure he is sober enough to go to work the next day, but he has already had to call off multiple times, in which he continues to drink. He is emotionally abusive when he drinks, threatens me to drive him… Read more »
I find comfort in knowing i am not the only one who lives in this state of anxiety and pain. I too live with a functioning alcoholic. My husband is a professional with a very good job. He goes to work every day comes home every night. He doesn’t cheat or use drugs, he doesn’t even drink every night, but every weekend from Friday to Sunday night he drinks till he is slurring his words and making no sense. I know for my own sanity I need to get help and move on.
I need help as well. I have been with my husband since age 17. I am 49. He has always had issues but in the past 4 years he has really gone crazy with his drinking trying to stop taking Xanax. He cannot hold down a job. I cannot work out of the house because I cannot trust him with the kids. He is verbally abusive to the whole family. He will not get help. Said I did this to him. Said if he kills himself it is all on me. His personality turns from one moment to the next.… Read more »
My husband is a functional alcoholic. He mostly isn’t verbally abusive and he is never physically abusive. He comes home and almost instantly starts drinking. On the weekends, he still only drinks in the evenings but he drinks more than 8 cans of beer every night. He no longer goes out with friends or goes out to drink at least. He will drink by himself on the patio. Sometimes he passes out on the patio or the toilet. There have been times where he peed on the floor because he thought he was at the toilet. He bangs into walls,… Read more »
I love my husband so much. He is a wonderful loving husband. But… his drinking is out of control. I think it always has been but lately things are worse. He has never been violent and manages his job so I feel bad posting when I think many other posts have it far worse but there are also so many similarities – he lies – he lies blind to my face about drinking when I know I am right and then the whole night is gone – he can’t even string a sentence together. I don’t know what to do… Read more »