Having been abused mentally, physically, and sexually by my alcoholic stepfather while growing up was a can of worms I never wanted to open. However, in adulthood, I continued to meet people who abused me. I felt “marked.” What was it these predators saw in me and how could I remove it? Was it the shame and guilt that attracted them? Did I seem too vulnerable? Or was I prone to high-risk behavior?
I used the tools of the Al‑Anon program to unpack my shortcomings, and what I saw was life-changing. I learned about boundaries. Then I learned the difference between constantly reacting to someone else’s behavior and choosing to do what was best for me. Becoming self-supporting changed my neediness into a strength I had never felt before. I began to attract different people to my life—kind and gentle people who were content to live and let live.
Through Al‑Anon’s Concepts of Service, I learned how to release shame and guilt by understanding and accepting responsibility. My shame had simply been a product of all the times I had felt not good enough or less than. My guilt seemed to be a result of the unrealistic expectations I had of myself. Over and over, I humbly asked my Higher Power to remove these characteristics until they were no longer part of my psyche.
Now I was ready to shed the cloak of victimhood. I renamed my childhood experiences so I would not feel like a victim anymore. I saw the dysfunction in my upbringing, but I knew that it was not who I was. I accepted my past even though I didn’t approve of it. I handed my life over to a Power greater than myself and sat many times in discomfort until the discomfort passed. I identified the excitement, drama, or familiarities that could remove my serenity and avoided those situations.
Today, through the gifts of the Al‑Anon program, I am grateful, joyful, and I have peace. Today, I count my blessings.
By Michelle M., Australia
The Forum, March 2024
Feel free to reprint this article on your service arm website or newsletter, along with this credit line: Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA.
I really resonate with the idea of “renaming my childhood experiences, so that I would not feel like a victim of them anymore.” I am in the process of re-examining and renaming difficult experience throughout my life so that I may release the feelings and energies that are heavy and weigh me down. This involves seeing them in a new perspective, and as a result being grateful for them. They truly are gifts from my Higher Power.
Thank you so much for putting into words the very things I am currently working on. The statement “I felt marked” connects for me with the feeling of being less than or not good enough. Slowly, one day at a time in Al-Anon recovery, I am growing in my trust of the work of my Higher Power and myself – as a team that can be trusted to make good decisions. Thank you for taking the time to share your story.