What is the First Step in Al-Anon?

I just started Al-Anon. My first day was last week. I’m new into this so I don’t have a lot to say about it, but the little I have seen is eye-opening. I see people hurting and I realize that the hurt they have is what I have been carrying with me all my years. My father was an alcoholic. I parented him since I was a child. I see the unmanaging of my life and the life of my siblings being carried forward as a result of being in a diseased family. I feel that at this point, I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I think we all are. So much of what we go through WITH the alcoholic is about them and I see how I have lost my identity in it, as with my siblings. I recommend Al-Anon and Alateen. It’s a good place to connect with others that can only agree with what you’re going through. I met some pretty amazing people the first day and I plan on continuing this until I can see a change in my own behavior. Be open to yourself.

I am so glad I started reading. So many of these stories relate to me. I have an alcoholic boyfriend, no living together for the last 5 years. He has helped me buy the property to build this house. But he has not contributed to any house payment in the last 5 years. I so desperate for help. I always knew he drank, but in the last year it has become so much worse. His drinking has ruined so may occasions, I am also afraid to go home when I know he is there. He is very confrontational with everything.. I tried everything to help him. From getting mad at him, to begging him, to telling him this will cause health problems, asking his children and family to help . He refuses to listen and is in denial. He either won’t talk about it or he states, I used to drink more, I have cut down. We still live together but I told him numerous times to leave and he won’t go. I just don’t know what to do, because he refuses to get help. All his family knows but they refuse to help to avoid conflict with him. Cant help him, change him or not able to get him to leave. Legally I know I could force him, but I am trying to avoid this. I find myself a different person due to this. My co-workers are noticing the change also. I am so miserable being in this relationship, wish I could find a way to get him help. I have no life, and spend most of my time in fear or crying. He is not happy until he has me so upset that I am vomiting or shaking.
He blames me for everything, very demeaning and verbally abusive. I have made an appt. to consult with an attorney for legal advice to get him out of the house. The land was a gift, and now he thinks he is entitled to 1/2 of everything so he wont leave. Its not the way I want it, but I think its my only choice. Can anyone relate and offer me any suggestions? Feel I cant go on much longer.

Where can one take a 11 year old to help with coping skills from a alcoholic mother? I’ve searched all around and only find alAteen and that’s for 13-18 yr olds. The situation does allow for family counseling. Was thinking he could go to school for help but he’s so scared they will remove him from home. My son has informed me of the situation at home and the boy has confirmed it. I knew just from looking but not close to family to confront on this extremely sensitive subject. We only go to birthday parties and class trips together. But it’s obvious and would like to give my son and his friend a little bit of hope.

Hi I have been married for almost 9 years and been together for 12 years when I met him he was a alcoholic and smoked weed.
He is not able to work anymore due to copd so I work but when he dosnt have money for drink or weed he gets angry and has a go at me telling me it’s my fault and how he looked after me for yeRs when I didn’t work I try and say yeah but I do t drink or so drugs. His mates come over and all they do is sit there and drink and smoke I don’t know what to do anymore and would like so advice I love him more than words but can’t keep giving him money for grog and drugs all the time we have kids he would have a go at me and say but she you weren’t working you would be down the Milkbar everyday with your friends all I say is yeah but not waiting it on grog or drugs he makes excuses all the time 🙁 please help

Thank-you and prayers to all of you who have written your life story. I have lived with an alcoholic husband for 31 years. He drank only socially the first 10 years. We were married for 5 years before I got pregnant, as I was sending him to school and supporting us. He worked part time after 3 years and I helped him study.

After our son was born he started to drink a little more, until he lost his job after 5 years. I tried to be extremely supportive. My mother passed and then my father. He helped his family business by running up two credit cards, with the promise they would pay us back, then we helped his brother out of eviction so couldn’t go on our 1st vacation. Then the family business failed.

As the years went on, he would get and lose jobs, working less and less each time. I grew more angry as alcohol seemed to suck the life out of our family. As time went on and our son grew up, my alcoholic husband did less and less. Not attending any of son’s events or school/extra curricular programs or family special occasions. Our son went to the military then alcoholic husband didn’t go to our son’s wedding because he was “too drunk.”
When our son had a child, my son told me my grandson couldn’t be around his alcoholic father. Husband did a little better, but always going back to drinking. Stealing my credit card, money from my coat pocket and the bank accounts until I closed them all and had him removed from them. Turning on the charm and doing well, then threatening to not go or do anything if he didn’t get his liter bottle of Vodka/day. Doing less and less at home.

I finally realized it is not going to get better and that I will have to leave. But of course it is all my fault, because I work two jobs to pay off our credit card bills, 2nd and 3rd refinance, and his medical bills. I’m afraid to go to the doctor because he has been to the hospital for extremely high blood pressure, heart symptoms and being intoxicated to the point of calling the police while I worked overnight.

According to my husband I’m not nice to him, sexy enough, happy or praising of him enough–which is why he drinks. I love my husband, but not the alcohol. I’m tired of being accused of doing wrong, being mean and not supportive. I just don’t want to walk away from everything I/we have built together, even though I have paid for everything. I can’t go to sleep with my purse next to the bed or money or a credit card in my pocket or purse.

God grant me the serenity . . .

I too am married to an alcoholic. We’ve been together for 6 years. I am also a big enabler. My husband has been out of work for a couple of years and I keep buying him beer! I know he has a real big problem, and it’s affecting his health in a big way, but I can’t help buying it for him because if he doesn’t have it, he’s sick all day (withdrawals basically).

I feel like it’s a lose/lose situation. If I buy it for him, it’ll make him worse, but if I don’t get it for him he’s had some really bad withdrawal episodes. I know withdrawals can severely hurt or kill someone, and he refuses to go see a doctor! It can drive someone crazy!

He doesn’t blame me for the way he is. He blames himself, but I blame me because if I didn’t buy it, then he wouldn’t be so bad off!

I honestly don’t know what to do. I know that I will get blamed (rightfully so) if he does die because of alcohol, but I don’t know how to stop enabling without harmful effects to his health. I just keep praying to God, and thank God that we can share these posts.

My father has a drinking problem, and I have no idea as to why I’m talking about it on this post, but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

He says that the reason he drinks is because his kids are so messy, and he calls us stupid pigs that don’t care about how they live. Our home may not be clean, but he drinks great big bottles of liquor every time he’s off of work. Then he throws things around and moves some things into a big pile in another room, claiming that the house is now clean, then passes out.

Recently he and my mom got into an argument and she left for several hours. He says it’s all our fault, and that if we don’t want her to leave we have to keep the house clean. There were several points in time when the house was clean, though, and he still got drunk. Apparently it makes it more fun for him.

I don’t know what to do. When he drinks he is a complete jerk, and when he’s sober, he only talks about how terrible and stupid I am, and it got so bad that I eventually got depression. I’m not the first child to have depression. My older sister cut, my little sister says how terrible and unfair her life is, and so does my little brother. I don’t know what to do. That depression is still uncured, and I told my mom about my suicidal thoughts. Nothing was done to help me. I wasn’t given pills, they didn’t take me to a therapist, they didn’t even treat me with any more respect, and my grades dropped from A pluses to flat out F’s.

I can’t move out because I have no job or money, I don’t have any nearby family to stay with, no friends that I would be willing to bother with my problems, and the police would investigate us and either leave us alone or split us apart, which I can’t deal with because I have abandonment issues because of how stand-offish my parents have been. I don’t know what to do.

I have been with my partner for six months now and love him to bits. He was straight about his addiction from day one. He would’ve been a year sober this month but has relapsed twice. I have tried to be supportive but recently he seems to be avoiding me, telling me he is helping out where he goes to AA meetings. He sends the odd text now and still says he loves me, but can be cruel in other texts.

I want to hang on in there and see how things work out, but he won’t talk to me. He used to, but recently no. This is affecting me physically. I won’t eat, can’t sleep, worrying. I just don’t know what he wants or if he wants me. I did ask him in a text, but he says all is ok and I just feel there is something. I think he went back on the drink and is avoiding me because I will know. I feel lost, sad, heartbroken, all at once.

Well, I have read all the above posts and I am feeling slightly better that I’m not the only one. My partner is an alcoholic and drinks all the time and blames me for it, saying I push him to drink. I’m a mum with a 9-year-old who hates him for his actions. Yes, he has been abusive to me and, yes, has disappeared when he realised that I had taken all the drink out of the house and wasn’t going to drink with him. I have kicked him out and taken him back, I have supported him in past DUI charges.

Last month he took my car, telling me he was getting something in town (it’s a small town) and he returned 27 hours later! Drunk. I called the cops because I was worried he had killed someone or himself, and they found him in the bottle shop at the wheel, drunk. It was my fault that he got arrested because I called the police (he had done this a few times). Then he got caught again, DUI, and at the end of this month is going to jail for driving 13 times drunk–yes, 13!

I met him only 2 and a half years ago and he was lovely, a loving great guy and slowly he slipped into drinking again. Passing out, talking about nothing over and over, or just shouting the house down. I threw him out again and he is living down the road, not because I don’t love him. I do, too much, but couldn’t have my 9-year-old daughter see him drunk all the time. I had to make a choice and I chose the child who needs support.

I visit him and will attend court and support him in jail as best I can, but he still blames me for everything. His family says we are bad for each other because he drinks more with me (because my partner says I make him miserable because I moan, but when he drinks or is sober he loves me), yet I’m the one that supports him when needed. I have stopped enabling him (his family does all the time and makes excuses for him), but I support him by showing love and support. I can’t win!

He is looking at 12 months and I’m the one that is alone, picking the pieces up while working full time and raising a child. I’m going to my first meeting on Saturday. It’s the fact that he had a partner, child, home, job, and a future and he threw it all away with no regret that breaks my heart–unless he is not drinking–but that, not for very long. Lonely and tired comes to mind and an emotional slap in the face, never mind the last time we had a normal conversation, or dinner date. I miss him very much, even when he is sitting in front of me.

I’ve done some work around my dad being an alcoholic. It still doesn’t make it any easier to let go and talk about it with my family, when half of them are not willing to admit there is a problem. I find I am having a really hard time accepting that that’s the way he is choosing to live his life. I have made several attempt to help my mom break free from this cycle, but she always goes back. Today, she told me on the phone that he was keeping her up all night arguing with her. I am truly concerned about her health. I am attempting to stand back and not slip back into the roles I had growing up in an alcoholic family. I have been praying for a better life for my mom, and truly hopes she takes those steps towards a healthier lifestyle. The last time I’ve been to an Al-Anon meeting was when I was a teenager. I am seriously considering going to a meeting locally or online to share and hear from other people.

I have to tell all of you, I know COMPLETELY how you all feel. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and married him, knowing he is an alcoholic. Over time, things got worse and worse. He never physically hurt me but at times I wish he would have instead of the pain he inflicted mentally. He beat me down (mentally & emotionally). EVERYTHING was my fault, I was the bad part of everything. We have 2 children and they were really feeling the pain also.

I was of course, an enabler. After 10 years, I broke. I felt myself becoming depressed and I don’t want to be that person. So, I left him. I took the kids and got a place of our own. It was a fight and the cops were involved. After a couple of weeks he tried to get me back- I told him no way. I was done, the kids were done – we don’t deserve to be treated so terrible.

Fast forwarded a few weeks & he ask me what he can possibly do to get us back. My answer was simply “dry out”. He decided that he was going to. So far, so good – 6 months sober. We went to therapy for awhile but now he goes to AA 4 or 5 nights a week. He is doing great. Everytime he learns something new, he sees what he did to us. He has realized that he treated me terrible and how “nothing was his fault”. This is truly an alcoholic tendency. He has an amazing group of friends in AA and I think tonight I will go to my first Al-Anon meeting because I still have things to deal with (emotions, etc) from the past. God Bless You all!

When he drinks, why is every conversation suddenly my fault. I have a horrible weight of guilt I pull around every day, but much of it is for things I haven’t done. Am I responsible for repeating three times the conversation we had on Sunday about our daughter’s school? Because he has no memories from Friday to Monday, why do I let him make me feel responsible?

This site makes me see it’s not just me. The conversation my husband and I had Saturday is perfectly valid. I am not at fault if he can’t remember. But I can only say that here. He thinks I am excluding him from important conversations. He participated. I even recorded it. He “doesn’t remember, and it wasn’t him.”

Why am I sucked into this guilt.

I am at a loss for words at this point, and even worse, I’m at a loss for hope. I am 28 and have been dating my alcoholic boyfriend for over 2 years.

When we first started dating, he was charming, witty and happy. After a few months of dating I absolutely dreaded going out with him because he would get so drunk. He would be the first to buy a round of shots for everyone, he would do embarrassing and obnoxious things, and nine times out of ten he was the only one stumbling and falling over. And he’s 6’5″ 255lbs (so just imagining how much he would have to drink to get that way was scary).

After a horrific drunken scene he caused at a bar one New Year’s Eve, I brought his behaviors to his parents’ attention. They had told me that they had thought for a while that he was an alcoholic, and I broke out into tears. We had sort of an intervention with him and voiced our concerns and he said he would stop bc he didn’t have a problem.

Well, about a year went by and he was what I believed to be sober; he only drank very rarely in front of me or even when we went out at night. But as time went on his family and I noticed empty beer bottles with the caps on them in the fridge, a vodka bottle in the freezer that was “full” but frozen solid, and hidden beer cans and bottles of Bacardi around the house. And it seemed like every time I spoke to him on the phone at night his speech was slurred and he was very lethargic sounding.

I had had enough about a year into our relationship because I knew what was going on. I was actually able to convince him to go to rehab and he went in December. He did his 28 days, started Intensive Out Patient treatment and got 72 days sober before relapsing on Listerine on Valentine’s day. I was heartbroken, but something didn’t let me get that upset bc it wasn’t “liquor” he drank, it was Listerine! But it got him drunk.

He admitted his wrongdoing and started over the next day on his sobriety. He made it about 93 days (or so he says). We have been head-over-heels for each other since day one of our relationship and always talked about marriage. When I graduated college in May at 28 yrs old, he proposed. And I said yes bc everything had been going wonderfully between us and I thought he had been working hard and was successful in staying sober. Only to have him come home from the grocery store one afternoon drunk. And he had admitted that he had been drinking the week before we got engaged.

I was crushed and probably haven’t completely gotten over it still. We broke off our engagement but stayed together bc he promised he would get and stay sober. By June he was back in rehab. Another 28 days. He came home and relapsed after only 4 days. He has since lived in an Oxford House, hoping it would keep him clean and he has just been kicked out for drinking. He says it is because of me. Because I am so controlling and I bring him down. And I’m sure I do bring him down bc I would never praise him for being sober “today”.

He used to drink before and after AA meetings and bail on his sponsors (he’s had about 4 in 3 months) all the time, and I am supposed to be happy that he went to a meeting sober? This guy who I thought I would spend my life with is a chronic relapser. So no, I no longer have hope.

I no longer feel comfort that he’s attending AA. Nothing so far has kept him sober. But for some reason every time he would drink, it would be because of me. His parents are typical enablers and don’t want to see him suffer from consequences. He has been arrested for a DWI and they are paying for the best lawyer to give him the lowest punishment. They give him money and a place to stay even when he drinks.

I have been with him through all of this for a year, and I know many people who aren’t married wouldn’t stay. And I feel like his best friend, his parents, and his now former Oxford House roommate all think I am the worst thing for him. They have all told me that our relationship is not healthy for him bc he tells everyone he drinks bc of me and I’m so negative about his recovery.

It angers me bc none of them realize what I have been through dealing with this. It is frustrating. I love him dearly, but I fear that I am staying with him bc I am just hoping and praying that the guy I fell in love with will come back. But I am emotionally drained from all of his relapses and the fighting and heartbreak knowing I need to leave him.

I have been married for 20 years. When I met my husband, he drank a lot every day after work, sometimes not coming home until 2 am, missing dinner with our three kids. Ten years go he just stopped drinking, no help at all. I was very happy about this.

He does not drink, but he still goes through these episodes like he has been drinking. It was only happening maybe every other month, then it was every month, then about every two to three weeks. Now it seems like once a week. I am so confused and lost. I have tried everything. I go to counseling, but that only helps me some of the time.

I often wonder if there is such a thing as a dry drunk. I looked up an Al-Anon meeting and I am going to go tomorrow. I don’t know what else to do. I’m starting to feel worthless and that is not a good thing, nor is it my fault.

WOW. Reading all these posts, I am crying because so many of them relate to me and what I am going through. My husband of 17 years is an alcoholic. He has said he knows he drinks too much and he can control it, but that is a lie. We have been living like this for about 3 years now and he drinks every day. We have a teenage daughter and a 7 yr. old daughter.

His drinking has interrupted every living second of our lives, from where we go, who we are friends with, and things we do as a family–which have turned into none. Like many of you, I have tried everything to get him to stop. Only recently I have been doing a lot of reading. I am attending my first Al-Anon meeting this coming week, and doing an online one later today. We have not spoken in 4 days due to an incident that happened over the weekend, involving him being drunk, and I am starting to do my own things when he is home drinking. I try to go out with the girls, or when they go to bed, I go to bed early, instead of “entertaining” him. I am tired of the empty promises and I think I am ready to leave, but I am also scared.

This has happened before, and I always end up accepting his apologies, which I do believe are sincere, but he just does not know how to control it. He needs help and refuses to get it. When he is sober, he is a saint. We hardly have any friends because he doesn’t like visiting people who don’ t drink, and the few people we do know who don’t drink are considered “wierd” in his opinion. I am very depressed and he blames me for his drinking because he says I am always angry and upset. He says there is never a smile on my face and I always look like I’ve had a terrible day. He does not understand I feel this way because he keeps bringing me down. Him being away with my girls is what worries me because I’m afraid he will drink when they are with him, instead of doing things that normal fathers do with their children, like go to an amusement park, for example. My daughter is 15 and I am already afraid I have implanted in her mind that this is what normal families do.

My father was also an alcoholic and left my house when I was 10. Every time we would go out with him for the weekend, he would give us tons of money for the arcade, while he was probably outside having his beers. I did not realize it at the time, but now I know. I used to enjoy a glass of wine every now and then, but now I do not even want to have any at all. I am afraid I’m becoming paranoid that I, too, will become an alcoholic. It makes me so sad that I am happier when he is not around.

I am so worn out! I have been married to a marijuana (yes, pot is addictive) addict for 15 years. He smokes all day long – gets up crabby, smokes happy, crashes-crabby, smokes-happy all day long and it is making him crazy. He is underemployed, critical of me all the time, withdrawn, yelling, SCREAMING, clenching his fists, blaming me for his tantrums, tells me all the time that I am trying to be better than him.

I work two jobs and then he wonders why I am bitter, not affectionate and only want to be with the kids when I get home. His teeth are rotting out of his head, he dresses like a bum, washes the dishes “for me” and thinks that he is extremely active. He tells me about the “hot blonde” who is 20 years younger than me and I am brunette and says it is my fault the way he looks because I don’t act sexy for him or towards him. I KNOW I am not in control of this and I just pray that God as I know him will help me find my way out and protect my kids. Thank you.

I don’t know if I am in the right spot, but I can’t take it anymore. I am 32 years old and my father has been an alcoholic since he was 15 years old. He is now 57 and I believe I will donate his body to science when he dies because I can’t believe he’s still alive!!!

He has throat cancer and lung cancer and has just undergone tratment for 7 weeks of chemo and radiation. The whole time he has been drinking, not eating. Imagine that!!

When he got too sick, he would drink through a straw. He drinks staight vodka every day until he passes out. Then he wakes up and does it again. Just today he was found in my sister’s bathroom in a pool of blood. He fell and split open his head and was bleeding to death from his head wound.

Luckily my sister came home and found him before it was too late, or maybe not so lucky. He then went to the hospital to find out he is bleeding internally, again, and has a blood alcohol content 8 times the legal limit. The doctor said if we had that content we would be in a coma!!!

I did not grow up with alcoholics but our grandparents and great grandparent drank, according to the stories. I do not know about the stories, I only know that I live as if I grew up that way. Scared of anger, stuffing my feelings, scared all the time, trying to control people’s reactions, perfectionistic, always scared I am about to get in trouble. And I am 39 years old.

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the past – if I had been nicer, sweeter, calmer, more patient, more affectionate, then… my parents would have been what I wanted/loved me more. It is crazy making. And I have not stopped yet.

I hope that I will reach out to a sponsor and I hope that it will work.

OK, here I go again. 46, my dad has been sober for 1 year. He was not working a program, only going to church. I just started having a phone relationship with him, as he lives out of state. Thank God!

My mother left him, she doesn’t work a program either. The last time he got sober, it was because my family changed their reaction to him and stopped talking to him and refused to be a part of his life. Now I’m the only one not talking to him and everyone else forgot the rules. I struggle with guilt for not returning calls, but I know he should be the one riddled with guilt.

I want to call and yell at him and let him know why I’m not talking to him, but how many times do I have to explain that? So, I’m keeping my boundaries and not calling and not having a relationship, unless he starts to work a program. I can’t make him be sober, but I don’t have to talk to him even though my mother says, “I understand, but he’s your father.” I’ve done lots of work for myself and I have a beautiful relationship with a caring man. How could I fall back into this guilt pattern?

The meeting I was going to go to is not there tonight.
Thanks, I needed this. Good luck to all of you. You are in my prayers tonight.

I am a mother of a 21-yr-old heroin addict. He went to an inpatient rehab, then sober living home and was clean for 9 months. When he left the sober house, he rented an apartment with one of the boys from the sober house. He relapsed after 2 weeks, was sent back to inpatient rehab and is now living in a sober house in Maine. He is going to return home in 2 weeks and I know my life is going to change!

I don’t want to walk on egg shells around him and I want to trust him, but I am not sure if I can. I have two other children at home who are younger and I want a happy home. I am not sure how to handle him when he comes home, i.e. curfew etc. I don’t want to worry every time he goes out that he is going to get high. I don’t want to suspect him every time he goes out either.

I feel so alone where I live. A small town with drinking a way of life. My husband and I have been married for nineteen years, with the last ten his drinking has gotten really bad. My parents and one brother are recovering alcoholics so I guess I am living in a fish bowl. Always trying to do the right thing or say the right thing so he won’t drink. Now my three kids are living the same life I did growing up. I swore if I had kids they wouldn’t have this life.

My husband only drank socially when we married so I thought I had made a safe decision for myself, now I live waffling between guilt and depression. I love him but can’t change him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he blames me one minute then tells me it’s his fault. He says if I just would change this way or that, that he wouldn’t drink as much. I tried, but he still drank.

Alcohol makes me physically sick so I don’t drink very often, maybe a drink once every two months or so, therfore I end up being a taxi for him. I have started refusing to go anywhere with him, but our friends don’t understand and give me a hard time. That makes him feel like he is wanted and I am standing in his way. I know I need help but I don’t know if I can handle the truth right now. I want to!

My wife of twelve years first recognized her alcoholism and substance abuse four years ago. She made it to two weeks worth of AA meetings, and then dropped out. Amazing how quickly she could change her mind. The half dozen Al-Anon meetings I attended were enough to guide me over the past four years, although I always wanted more. When I finally learned to let her go two years ago and focus on myself and our pre-teen kids, my life changed forever. Sure, living with an alcoholic is a nightmare, but I was able to see clearly through the insanity and keep myself focused. I had faith that eventually she would hit bottom, faith that took plenty of patience. Over those two years I pretended not to notice her behavior. Through it all I just kept reminding myself that it wasn’t my place to try and change her. It had to come from within, within her.

She rarely went out with friends, preferring to invite others over or to stay close to home, or for the most part on the couch. But when she did go out, I prayed she would get pulled over. When the phone rang at 1:30 in the morning, I pretended not to hear it. When the ringing went from my cell to the land line to the cell and back again without a single message, I got scared. It was at least 15 minutes before the police called back, fifteen of the longest minutes of my life. Funny thing is, when they explained that she couldn’t be bailed out until 9:00 the next morning, I fell back asleep under a long, cool breath of relief. The kids thought she had spent the night at a friend’s as they boarded the bus that morning. I lost a day’s work, a small investment in time, but was shocked to find her locked in a mental ward at a local hospital. The judge later described the actions of this beautiful, well dressed, suburban mother, as that of a complete meltdown. During her arrest she allegedly struck an officer three times, attempted to flee three more times, and threatened suicide. When I found her, she was still drunk, stoned, and lying in a cold, damp ward vomiting repeatedly into a small metal container, finally, finally, near rock bottom. After four years. Bottom.

Embarrassed, humiliated, depressed and lost, she was shocked to hear me tell her that I did not care what she chose to do after this. I offered my support in any way she needed, but would not offer to fix her problems or tell her what to do. She responded soberly in fear, fear that she would be locked up, fear that she would go to prison, fear that she would lose her family, but never with the fear that she needed help, help to help herself.

When she pointedly demanded that we needed to change, I looked her straight in the eye and told her that change was her decision, but that I had no intention of changing. I loved myself, I loved my family, and I loved my life. I am accomplishing all of the goals I set out to reach in my career, in my children and in my life. I have never been happier. I have no intention of changing. Not one thing. And I didn’t.

I don’t know if she understood the weight of my words or the chasm between our states, but I stuck to it, continuing my pursuit of a sub-3:20 marathon, coaching two soccer teams and reaching for the next promotion.

Around 39 days, after near-daily, out-patient, court-ordered counseling and urine testing, she defiantly announced that she couldn’t wait to get past this so she could go back to drinking again. Calmly I began researching, for the first-time in our marriage, separation. I had vowed never to make a threat that I could not keep.

At day 40, she returned from her first one-on-one counseling session, and admitted, at last, that she had a problem. A problem bigger than herself. She was cautiously energized.

It had finally happened.

I had waited four years, endured emotional and physical infidelity, insults, public embarrassment, loss of friends and family, damage to my children and daily verbal abuse. After four more days, and many, many late-night conversations – wonderful in-depth conversations we hadn’t had together since we were first married – I made the decision to change my life in order to rebuild our marriage. Just three weeks from a marathon I had trained harder for than any other race in my life, I dropped out, cold turkey. I needed to meet her halfway.

It has been almost three weeks, and there have more ups than downs, and nearly every day she reveals another side I have never seen. I thought she would revert back to the person I knew before her drinking had become so intense. Instead, she had grown into a more mature, actualized woman than I had ever known before. Her anxiety melted away like a flashed thaw and she walked in new shoes, weak, damaged, but alive. She has much work ahead, and if it wasn’t for the fact that the court will keep her in this program for two years, she admits she would certainly fail.

Finally, last night she reluctantly attended her first AA meeting. First in four years. Going in, she was exhausted from the daily grind of counseling, court appearances, and urine tests. Here was yet another court-ordered clog on her calendar, AA; the program she resisted four years ago, and no doubt was dredging up memories from the lows of that particular time. When she returned home for a quick break between back-to-back meetings (did I emphasize how intense this court-sanctioned program is?), another piece of the puzzle had fallen into place. In the neighborhood next to ours, she had found professionals and educated people like her, for the first time since she had hit bottom; people who had the same problems. Not that she needed a more suburban setting, no, just that she, like anyone else, needed to find a common denominator. A mirror closer to who she is.

It is scary to admit that I felt like a proud parent – and all of you Freudian-types can analyze that co-dependent thought for all it’s worth. Because you are not the only one who saw the problem with that thought.

My depression, kept in check for over a decade with only a few recurrences, was back with a vengeance. Quitting running cold turkey two weeks ago was more of a mental challenge than physical. That’s when something hit me this morning. I’m not all that put together after all. As I just told my wife on the phone moments ago, I’ve been holding it in for too long by myself, trying to do the right thing, be the right person, keep everyone and myself from failing. And now that I’m able to see clearly how good our lives have the potential to become, I realize at this very moment that I need help.

I’m exhausted.

There are a whole new set of challenges and worries and roads in my life. Pieces of our family are scattered like broken toys. And I still have a need to control things. Ultimately, I need to make sure that the support and love I am sharing is healthy.

That’s why I’m going back to Al-Anon tonight. Because this is bigger than even me.

I just started to go to Al-Anon meetings. It’s kind of hard to admit that I can’t help my husband. He gets so controling and wondering where I am or what I am doing. He calls me at work and at my mom’s just to see if I am where I told him. It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to be here, but I still love him.

He went to rehab but only lasted 2 weeks. He said he’s going back next Monday. I don’t believe him. I caught him in so many lies. He wiped me out of my money for his beer and laughs about it. His anger is getting bad. He’s starting to throw his tools and it’s all my fault cause I don’t do what he wants or say I love you until he treats me better. I don’t love him but how am I to deal with him with 3 kids? Two are mine, one is his. If it wasn’t for his son, I would have left. So how can I deal with my life? I feel like I am in jail. I hope Al-Anon can help me sort things out.

Al-Anon gives me hope because Al-Anon teaches me that I do have choices. As I learn to see my problems from a different perspective, I begin to think about them differently, and I begin to see options that I was unaware of before.

The First Step assures me that I am powerless over alcohol. I am also powerless over the alcoholic, as well as other people, places, and things. Knowing where I have power and where I do not have power shows me where to focus my energy.

Exploring this idea when I was a newcomer at Al-Anon meetings, I heard someone say in a meeting that alcohol was both readily available and expensive. This woman said that set of facts led her to re-think pouring out booze, because pouring it out never prevented the problem drinker from getting another drink; pouring it out only meant that it ended up costing the household more money spent on booze in the long run! That made sense to me, and led to my changing my behavior.

As I began to make small changes in how I perceived the drinking and the drinker, I began to make small changes in my behavior and reactions, then I began to feel better about myself and I began to think more clearly about everything in my life. I began to have hope that my life COULD get better.

It was like a snowball rolling downhill. Clearer thinking led me to more empowering action which led to clearer thinking and on and on.

It didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happen in a vacuum. For me, it took taking the risk of going to Al-Anon meetings, reading the literature, going to coffee with the people after the meeting, and talking to other people in the meetings who had had experiences similar to my own.

I recently heard it said that Al-Anon recovery is not for people who NEED it, it is for people who WANT it. I am so grateful for the bottom I hit that got me to the point of really wanting it. And I am so glad that the worldwide fellowship of Al-Anon is there for anyone who wants it today.

I also married an alcholic. We dated for two years; he treated my terribly but that’s all I knew. I was emotionally and sexually abused by an older brother and uncle and then by a school teacher. I was never allowed to express my feelings to my mom; she was always angry. I did not trust her; I feared her. When I did express myself, she shamed me. Anyway, I went on to marry my husband. It was not a healthy relationship. We have since divorced.

Al-Anon teaches me I could not have expectations of someone who is suffering from the disease of alcoholisim. I needed to know this to protect myself emotionally. However, the idea in developing a healthy, intimate relationship is to allow myself to become vulnerable. One of the ways to become vulnerable is to have expectations of each other.

Al-Anon has taught me to have plan B to protect myself from the inconsistencies. In a healthy relationship expectations are met. Realistic expectations are important in developing a framework for a healthy relationship (e.g., saying that the alcoholic will pick you up a the grocery store at a certain time, or be there to look after the children, etc.). Simple by my standards, but not for an alcoholic who suffers from the disease of obsession and their body has allergies to the alcohol.

My son is now dealing with cocaine addiction and again I am reminded to not have expectaions. This disease, I have found out recently from Al-Anon, is progressive. It stays in the body forever and when the person relapses it continues from where the person last picked up, and it only gets worse from there. With addiction, it is different from alcoholism, as the life of an addict is short-lived and can be very sudden. That is my reality since I have met parents who have lost their young adult children to this horrible disease. Al-Anon provides me with great education. It is free and I get to learn about myself and how to make me healthy; all I have to be is willing and open. “One day at a time” is keeping me from obsessing about my son. It’s not easy, but I pray, pray, pray. God bless all that are affected by this disease.

I just went to my first meeting this week. I went there out of a horrible empty feeling of despair. I have been suffering through many of the situations that you have described here. One thing I didn’t notice much of that I am feeling is just rage. I am so angry at him for betraying me with this selfishness.

I have spent years loving him and trying to do what was best for him, as hard as some of it was. We are at a point now where I don’t know if I could ever love him again. He has allowed his family to use me as the scapegoat, and it is such a betrayal. They should be grateful and loving for all that I have held up in spite of his abuse. Instead they are hateful and judgemental towards me. And he just allows it. It’s like he is kicking me when I’m down. He allows it because it offers him one safe place where he’s not the bad guy. I walk around sick to my stomach, thinking of the hypocrisy.

Wow, reading all the comments is like reading about my life with my husband’s alcoholism. All the emotions–walking on egg shells, avoiding subjects, running to help him when he drinks, making sure he is safe, as well as the rest of us in the house.

He is coming home soon and all the emotions, such as anger and stress, are returning as well. I need to be strong and take the first step and attend Al-Anon for the information and support.

I know that I do not want to go back to his lifestyle. Reading the posted comments, I too do not have power over his drinking. I am just scared of actually facing the reality of it all!!

I came into the Al-Anon program after I had asked my husband of 10 years to leave. I thought that ‘things’ would be better if he left, but I was even more miserable. I didn’t realize that drinking was a problem in our home. I just knew that I didn’t like His behaviour. He had turned into someone that I didn’t know anymore. He eventually divorced me.

I realized that I needed Al-Anon, I needed help , I had suicidal thoughts, and I didn’t know anywhere else to turn. I didn’t know how to stop the emotional pain that I was in. I had also started to take a sincere look at my spiritual life. I did what Al-Anon suggested that I do. I went to meetings, I got a sponsor, I read the literature, and I helped with service work. And things started to get better. I started to get better.

When I first came into the meetings, I felt overwhelmed and hopeless. I cried and cried, no matter where I was. Today, those days feel like a zillion miles away. I have serenity today. My home is very peaceful. I learned that I am responsible for my own happiness and I can let other people live their own lives and it’s NOT my business what they choose for themselves. I have remained single all these years. I have learned that I can make choices for myself and my decisions are MINE, I don’t need to have anyone’s approval or if I want to change my mind– that’s okay, too. The Al-Anon program has helped me with my attitude and my self-esteem. I would recommend Al-Anon to anyone, in a heartbeat!

I will forever be thankful to my friends in Al-Anon for helping me raise my 2 children. When I didn’t trust my own judgement, I would ask for help from around the ‘tables’ of Al-Anon. Just because my ex-husband and I had divorced, it didn’t mean that it was ‘easy’ concerning our children. But, Al-Anon helped me to say ‘nice’ things about their dad and to treat him with respect and pray for him. This could have only helped our situation.

Today I wish him ‘well’ and know that I was wrong to blame him for everything. Now I can see and admit that it takes two, and I played my part. I can forgive myself and see that we both did the best we could, at the time. We were both imperfect, trying to have a perfect life.

I am not a ‘huggy’ kind of person but Al-Anon has shown me how to accept ‘hugs.’ Through the program I have been able to have much better relationships by trusting , being as honest as I can be, and saying what I mean, but not saying it mean. I have gotten more from Al-Anon than I could possibly list here. So, I will forever be a very grateful member of Al-Anon. And I’m thankful for the alcoholic who brought me to Al-Anon. It changed my life (for the better)!

Sitting here at 1:15am, unable to sleep. My partner of 15 years (husband of seven years) has just returned from a 28-day program. I’m really struggling because I feel like I’ve lost my husband. He’s like a robot – he shows no emotion. The only time he shows any passion is when he talks about his new friends – they seem far more important to him than me and the kids.

Things haven’t been easy during the weeks he’s been gone. I’ve kept the house going (4 acres), loved and cared for our three children, run two businesses, and slowly fallen apart. When I’m alone I cry my heart out because I miss him. I’m lonely, and I just want back the love and companionship we shared. We always talked about growing old together, but when I see him my emotions come out as anger and resentment. I’m afraid I’m pushing him away. I love him so much.

Since he’s come home he’s not shown me any emotion – no kiss hello, no hugs, not even good-night. He kissed the kids good-night – just not me.

I’ve tried to explain to him that I miss the intimacy we used to have, the way even when he was drunk he could still offer me support and love when I needed it. Does being sober mean that we can no longer have that relationship? I still see him as my husband, lover, sole mate, life partner – but I’m not sure if he feels the same.

This page has given me a lot of support as of now. I want to thank you all for taking the time to leave a piece of your story here.

My boyfriend of four years is an alcoholic. He has been flirting with Step One for the past few months and has been attending meetings sporadically for the past year. He has a sponsor and has made some seemingly good connections in the program and says he knows he has a problem and wants to be proactive about it, yet he has relapsed more times than I can count. The first three years we were together he tried to hide his drinking from me. Finally it got so bad (or rather noticeable) that he came forward and admitted to me that he has a problem. I wanted to be there for him and to be as optimistic as possible.

He lives at home with his parents. I work full time and go to school full time. I am going to school to be a social worker, so this obvious “I’ll fix-you” scenario has come up with my behavior towards him at first, but right now I am wondering, how I can be in love with someone who is so unhealthy?

I feel very confused and just wrote down some meeting times with the intent to go to my first Al-Anon meeting. I have been to a handful of AA meetings with my boyfriend and try my best to support his sobriety, but I’ve gotten to the point where my issues of trusting and feeling torn in two have really left me feeling like an empty shell. I hope that I can learn from meeting other people in Al-Anon and figure out how not to be an enabler.

I thank you all for your honesty and openness.

I have been a member of Al-Anon for many years. I urge everyone who has been affected by alcoholism to go to meetings. It will give you support. It will improve your life and help you to cope with your problems.

I am a 47-year-old and my younger sister is an alcoholic. She had been drinking heavily for over a decade and was beginning her drinking earlier and earlier in the day. We tried to help her in the past and were unsuccessful. Her health was becoming an issue and my family became scared that we were going to lose her if something wasn’t done.

We just had a family intervention and she accepted help at a recovery center. I was asked to partake in her family therapy and received a shock when the therapist referred to me as an enabler. I will admit that I was, at one time, but stopped–or so I thought. The therapist recommended Al-Anon meetings and I intend to seek out a meeting place in my area. This is my first experience in finding help and was appreciative of the podcast testimonials. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you, Ian, for your comments. I am the mother of a 29-year-old alcoholic daughter. This was a huge surprise to my husband and I who don’t drink and, needless to say, she wasn’t raised with it. We’ve been to 3 Al-Anon meetings and I can say the last one really, really helped. I am trying to work MY program as she works hers. We all have a deep faith in God, and believe without Al-Anon or AA, she would not have made 30 days sober, as of yesterday!!

The Church, sadly, is just not prepared to deal with people who are addicted – but God is!!! I hope we never have to ask her to leave, as you did, but maybe that will come. I ask God to give me direction every day and guidance to make decisions that will not impact her negatively. And the people at Al-Anon have the experience to help me. Thank you. God Bless!

I am trying Al-Anon again after 3 years because my reactions to my husband’s medicating himself are making myself (and others around me) crazy! I want to take control, punish him, ignore him, leave him, and I feel like I am stuck. Sad thing is he serves as a chaplain and helps others, encouraging them to talk through their pain. He just refuses to deal with the pain he is causing those around him by his substance abuse.

So I need to work on me, so I can become a rational, loving, peaceful person. Right now I can’t imagine that as a possibilty because I feel like a raging bull after discovering how bad his problems and debts are because of this abuse. But it is possible–if I have faith and work on me.

I just realized my son is an alcoholic, because he told me. He lives in another state, is grown, and just lost his job due to drinking. His friends tell me he is mixing alcohol and Valium. He does not want to go to rehab–I have offered to pay. I do not know what to do. I am fearful he will die or is dead when I don’t hear from him. I cannot go on like this. I am looking to go to an Al-Anon meeting.

I have grown up in a family where my dad was a functioning alcoholic. I am familiar with certain behaviors thereof. Recently I have remet someone from years ago who has been a member of AA for 27 years. We have shared our histories and we are getting to know each other better. He suggested I attend a meeting to better understand his situation and what could become our situation in the future. I have listened to the podcast and decided to definitely go to a meeting. I am feeling it may direct me with some valuable tools to deal with both my past and my future. Thank you.

Amazing–I have not even attended an Al-Anon meeting yet, but I absolutely know I will fit right in. I am a 32-year-old teacher and I have a 15-month-old and a 13-year-old step son. My husband has been doing drugs and drinking since he was 14. I did not know that he was currently still using until I was 8 months pregnant. He then told me it would be so much better if he didn’t have to hide the pot and I just let him do it. Of course, I said no and he agreed to quit so he wouldn’t lose the family and everything else–yeah, right. He just got better at hiding it. His drinking got worse and so did the pot use. He eventually cheated on me with a neighbor. For some reason I believe he will change and become the man God always envisioned.

I always knew something was going on–after finding out about the cheating or the drugs he would be nice, but only for a short time. Recently, I caught him smoking pot and decided enough was enough. I called his dad and sister to come get him out of the house. I think that was the beginning of a change for him. He is now going to AA meetings and finding he has a lot of similarities with all the other AA members. His sister and brother-in-law have went through the AA program and have been sober for 6 or 7 years and now he is living with them. The best place for him right now.

Now it is time for me to get my head straight. I, like all of you, was always trying to “look out” for him. Constantly telling him what he should or shouldn’t be doing when it came to drinking or using drugs. It’s obvious to me, finally, that I can’t “fix” him. The ball is in his court…

My first Al-Anon meeting will be tomorrow–I am excited; I can’t wait to start focusing on myself so I can be a better mom and wife…

My son has just come out of an in-patient treatment center and plans to do out-patient meetings and AA at our local rehab center. He is owning up to his mistakes and past issues. I have faith he will succeed.

I have in the past and will again attend Al-Anon so I will learn to understand the situation. My only problem is I feel I am walking on eggshells when I’m talking with him. I am trying to learn the way to communicate, but he still gets so upset about things, no matter how I say anything and he tells me to read the literature, etc.

He is going through a terrible divorce and his ex is keeping his daughter away from all of us, which makes it hard. She needs help just as much, if not more, because of her family issues, but she will never admit to this. So it is really emotional with the unhealthy control she has over things.

Thank you for listening. Any response would be appreciated.

I am 34 yrs old and am in my second relationship with an alcoholic/ addict. How I got here, I don’t know. I keep thinking to myself I’m tired, and I need to do something different cause what I’ve tried hasn’t worked. So with that I’m open to try something to fix myself.

I have been going to Al-Anon for a few months. The guy I’m seeing now goes to meetings also. He has had many relapses, more times then I’d care to count. Sad thing is I can relate to him. We have so many things in common. We have shared the same crappy childhoods, lost our dads to suicide, the list goes on and on. He is a sweet man. All I seem to think is what a shame cause I want him to be the one I can spend the rest of my life with. He is opposite from the last man I was with. I was with him for 15 yrs, had a daughter together, she’s now 15.

The guy I’m with now seems to care for me and tells me such sweet things. I’ve never had a man talk to me that way. So maybe I can’t let go cause he’s my feel-good, just like he loves the way the drug makes him feel @ the time. He makes me feel pretty, attractive, and worthy of love, while my ex treated me the opposite.

I am not sure how to work the Steps, really. I have no one to talk to. I’ve only gotten one phone number and our work schedules don’t go together very well, so I never can reach her. I would love to find somewhere to go online that can give me more help. Possible chat rooms, or online speaker meetings. Thank u for listening, and it’s nice to know I’m not alone.

WOW! Just read Judy’s comment, “The first Step, admitting that I am powerless ” & it hit me like a ton of bricks. That is exactly what/where I am now, powerless! Me–who always has to be in control of my life. I have no control now. Oh, everything is perfect for a month & then suddenly that little brown bottle takes over again & I fall into this pit of despair again. Despair, but anger & shame, because yet again I allowed myself to fall for thinking things were going to change. Do you ever learn? I think it would be easier if it was a problem all the time because then it might be easier to get out. I will have to go back to read all the posts, but right now I am not strong enough to do that.

My husband is an alcoholic and last Thursday he got so bad I had to take the kids and leave. I had to call the police to take him away. He started A.A. and I have kicked him out of the house. I cannot move past the anger and I want to protect my kids. If anyone has decided to save their relationship, please give me some advice.

I am looking for some words of wisdom/guidance.

I recently recognized the signs and symptons that my husband of 7 years is an alcoholic. He says that he has not had a drink in 5 weeks. The only counseling he has done has been with a co-worker, who is a recovering alcoholic, and through the A.A. hotline.

I know that I cannot control or even guide him on what to do but I feel that his efforts are very half-hearted and he is only doing this much because he thinks I will just forgive him and forget about it again like all the other times.

I know that he loves me and our girls but I am physically, emotionally and spiritually drained and wiped out. I can barely stand to be in the same room with him, let alone talk to him. I feel that I am only holding on by a thread and really do not know what else to do. I am not even sure if it is worth trying to save a marriage that quite frankly has to wait for him to realize he needs help, and then try to work on us.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday and I realize I have a long ways to go but I was hoping someone has gone down a similiar path that could give some advice. Whether you decided to stay with your huband (maybe why) or how to give up that last thread of hope of a marriage. Thanks

I have been listening to the podcasts and then reading the comments. My heart goes out to all of you, and as I read I would say a prayer. I am the daughter of an alcoholic, who never really stopped since I was a young child and now I am 43. I struggled with always trying to be the best. Best in school, best singer, best at whatever I would do, but of course it was never enough to stop my dad from drinking.

After I left the house I ended up in fix-it relationships. I didn’t realize it until it was too late and I didn’t realize my tendencies until well into my adult life. My relationships have all been abusive in one way or another, verbal, physical, financially…then something happened. I am a very faith filled person and one day I just said to God, “I give up”. And it was like He said to me, “It is about time!” I finally came to the realization that I could not control other people, situations, and had started the first step.

I am now in a unbelievably sane relationship. That is new for me. He is in recovery for over 11 years. And he has helped me so much to see how my behaviors and attitudes have been formed. I tried at first to create mayhem because the calmness would drive me to that point. I would feel uncomfortable with the right things, the loving, the trust, and the true caring of another person. Not having to do it all. Not being responsible for someone’s attitude and actions. He is so patient and understanding.

I have now started to pursue the meetings, and have even gone to AA meetings and Nar-Anon meetings. Hearing the people speak through their pain helps me to understand. I have even been able to forgive my father and walk back into my relationship with him and set healthy boundaries.

wow. l think this is really real, i didnt know about this until just the other day its crazy my whole life i’ve grown up around it and thought i could learn from it but then i get involved with an alcoholic and i just realized i’ve lost myself trying to help him for the better when all he wants to do is help himself to more drinks and not work on a relationship and its weird i am only 20 years old and i really hope i learned my lesson now because i dont want to lose myself my life again! everything was about him and wat he needed . . . wat he wanted and nothing for me, well i hope i can continue to believe i did the right thing by leaving and i just hope i can stay gone and ignore the hurt the pain and the lonliness that i am feeling without him… right??

It’s very relieving to know I’m not alone. I’m madly in love with an alcoholic. I met him when he was sober but he relapsed about 6 months into our relationship. Of course I thought I could make it all better for him. I attended meeting with him, would drive him etc etc. He checked into rehab in November and came home about 21/2 weeks ago. I was convinced he was healed. I was wrong. He relapsed again, just before Christmas. He left me Friday night, crashed his car early Saturday morning and got an extreme DUI. He is on probation for previous drug and alcohol issues so he will be going back to prison now. I feel lonely and scared.

The first step, admitting that I am powerless and that my life had become unmanageable, is a move toward what can be a new life. I did everything in my human power to try and control the alcoholic’s drinking. Nothing worked. The harder I tried, the more he eluded me; thus my life became increasingly unmanageable. When I finally surrendered and admitted I was powerless, I was exhausted, broken, and defeated. Over the days and months, I had lost myself and my own direction because I was trying to control someone else’s. The first step, at last , was recognizing that I had no power over someone’s alcoholism. If I continued to think I did, all I gained was unmanageability. Thank heavens Step One told me I could lay down the burden and rest. Once I realized that I could do nothing about someone else, I then turned my attention to putting my own life back in order. Whew! That was the first step to the new life I have today.