What do you think about anger?

Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery from Al-Anon Family Groups. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Today we have with us a young woman who is a wife, a mother, a school teacher, and a member of Al-Anon Family Groups. She has agreed to talk with us about anger.

How to locate a meeting

2017-07-28T09:02:31+00:00 December 10, 2008|Categories: Alateen, Alcoholic Friend, Alcoholic Parent, Alcoholic Spouse or Partner, Common Concerns|

176 Comments

  1. kate August 2017 at 5:12 pm

    My husband stopped drinking last October, I am still lost, depressed and feel like a deer in headlights……

  2. Mbali July 2017 at 5:48 am

    I had meet this man 5 years ago. He was jealous telling me what i must wear. If the is a guy looking for my when we are walking together.he is feeling angry shouting me. The first I meet him he was drinking a lot and he was a hardware until now.

  3. Sharon May 2017 at 2:33 pm

    These stories all sound the same. The man I fell in love with 30 years ago is gone. What is left behind is a man who drinks every day. He is the ultimate functional alcoholic. He has provided a wonderful home for our family, but the children are grown and have families of their own. He is now retired and drinks daily. I am still actively working which helps me from being around him 24 hours a day. He has never been physically abusive, but does get verbally abusive. I have tolerated him for years now and I am at the point of leaving to find a future of happiness. I have tried talking to him when we wake up in the mornings before work, because that is the only time I am guaranteed that he will be sober. He apologizes and says that things will change, but I am still living in this sad life. I think the thing that really hit me hardest was when my mother had to stay with us while she recovered from surgery. She is the sweetest person I know, and would not say boo to a fly. He was there with her during the day while I worked. When I came home my Mother thought it might be better if she went back to her home. She said she didn’t want to cause a riff in my household. Apparently he had a few drinks, and she saw my real husband and no longer felt welcomed there. I took her back to her home, where my brother and I took turns staying with her. Well, his problem that I have covered up for so long was out. The thing I can’t grasp my hands around is that he is wonderful when he isn’t drinking. I now feel it is too late to save our life together. But I am going to have him go get help before I leave him. I hope that then he will be able to find someone else and start a new life sober. My love for him is gone, but I still hope he can be happy.

  4. kai May 2017 at 2:24 pm

    At times I feel like I should have done this a long time ago. Tell my story that is or even what goes through my head as I try to continue to love someone who still is trying to love themselves. Trying to support and love an addict. I’ve been married a little over a year and have been with my wife about 3.5 years. She developed an alcohol problem as well as substance abuse. I have been with her through being cheated on over 5 times and being lied to at all times. Through disrespect and through her putting everyone and everything before me. Well now she is here in Yuma and is going through treatment and today she told me she wanted nothing to do with me yet again. For some reason I feel calm and it makes no sense to me at all. She says she’s not happy and I get that she is hurt. About a week ago she found out that I had been talking to another woman. I had no intentions on pursuing anything and even though I had said somethings I shouldn’t have it was all for attention. Attention that my wife had never given me but to countless other people. She said that I didn’t deserve a reason on why she wanted to end things with me and I can’t for the life of me understand that. She thinks that her running away and starting a fresh is going to fix her life. Her reasoning is completely jacked up and I get that she has been sober for about a month now but she swears she has everything figured out. But I am concerned whether it is with her reckless spending or just mood swings. I can only take but so much ad yet I am still here and I can’t figure out why. I mean yes I love her but is this what love is? Will she ever understand me or want to talk every time I try to talk she gets nasty or defensive. Just last night and this morning she loved me and wanted to do so much and then this afternoon she’s done. She doesn’t want to love me I can tell that she is trying to be hurt and just trying to hold onto anything to be mad at me. I can’t seem to figure out what my breaking point is and I feel weak. I do a lot of reading and re-search on recovery and maybe that is why I am patient. But I ask myself when enough is enough? I wonder how she can give up on me so easily and yet still claim she loves me when I have stuck by her through everything. Now that she feels like she is better and she obviously has a long way to go she claims to want nothing to do with me. But she leaves some of her stuff at my house she changed her number and then gave me the new one she was spending the night and all. I am thinking that I just need to give her space and time because her words say one thing but then at times she says she wishes I would fight for her. She tends to meet new people and latch on to them hard and they become her priority or addiction and I am trying to understand what they have that I don’t. I just want to be heard and know that I am not weak or crazy.

  5. Ann April 2017 at 4:48 pm

    All thee posts I just read are my life with an alcoholic boyfriend. Only together 7 months and I fell in love. He is not abusive other than he drinks at least 18 beers per day. Fell through his friends glass table and almost died. I took care of him. He got layed off his jon. He runs to his ex-girlfriend down the street if I mention anything negative to him. I pray hard that I can get the strength to live without him. I moved to a new State and dont feel like having a life right now. I feel so all alone with him or without him. My birthday came and went without even so much as a card. His unemployment just ran out and he is penny less. I paid 500.00 to get his car on the road. He smoked his and my last pack of cigarettes. I have my own place and he stays with me. He has no beer today either. Im worn out and physically and mentally exhausted. I am financially ok for about 1 more year. I am 64 years old. I need to get him away from me but I dont want to be alone. I am pretty and a successful professional and I have a homeless drunk bum living with me. Prayers please for the strength to kick him out and start living again.

  6. Cynthia April 2017 at 6:37 pm

    45 years. He’s quit twice. Sober now. I still walk on egg shells because of his hair trigger temper. But your comments have really helped me. I’ve struggled to raise 3 kids, teach 20 years and try to me to 5 precious little grandchildren and sit in church and Bible Study wth my (secret). It’s tough). I have Almighty God to judge for me and I pray on my knees for strength. But don’t get me wrong. I’m on sleep meds, anti-anxiety. Depression & migraine meds. You name it. Bless you all

  7. Rose April 2017 at 1:49 pm

    I feel for everyone on here and I’m sorry. I understand what you are going through. My husband is an alcoholic and I also think he has ptsd. I do feel bad for him but I can’t take another drunken night. I’m ready to leave. We have a two year old son and I know deep in my heart leaving is the best for us. I just want him to have a loving, quiet and peaceful home. It’s my duty to give him that so if my husband can’t, I need to grow a backbone and face the music. It will be hard and I need follow through but I think I’m ready. Anyone else ready to leave their bad situation with me for a brighter future?

  8. Ann March 2017 at 1:05 am

    Yeah, I wish there were more meetings available in other areas..I heard communities can offer similar programs.

    I’ve done so much research on both sides, the addict and being the person around the addict..it’s helpful, but of course it’s still so hard :/ It’s so important to ensure you’re still doing things for yourself and if you have kids, for them as well. I hope so badly for the better in my relationship even when I feel so sick with all the lies. Some times I even wished I could send a message to all the places that served alcohol to ban my partner from being able to purchase it or something on those lines. It makes me feel so sad and irritated that it’s like I’m the only person in my partner’s life that is taking this seriously and seems to care the most.

    My heart goes out to everyone else through these hardships

  9. P March 2017 at 3:04 pm

    I suffer from alcoholism everyday. Alcohol has taken away my hopes and dreams for what my life would be like.. having grown up in an alcoholic household, I promised myself that I would never let my children know the pain, the shame, the loneliness of living like that.. and yet, they live with it every day of their lives. My husband is an alcoholic. I struggle to say functioning alcoholic as I don’t see much function in his life, but he is talented enough at being an alcoholic most people have no idea about his problem. If someone starts to figure it out and heaven fobid, ask him about it, he cuts them out of his life immediately. He doesn’t feel that he has a problem with drinking; he thinks he has a problem sleeping and the drinking “helps him sleep”. He has no problem sleeping all day and then getting up at 10 or 11 at night and drinking until 6 or 7 in the morning.. at which time he “goes to sleep”, to anyone else, what he does would be considered passing out. He quit his job 5 years ago and started his own business and it started out ok. He has since hired a couple of people that actually go out and do the work now because he usually can’t get up during the day to get anything done. In order to make sure we have money coming in to cover his businesses expenses and contribute to the household, I have to do all of the paperwork for his company.. in addition to my full time job, 3 kids, taking care of all cooking, cleaning, yard work, kids activities, parenting, etc. He has now started making snarky comments about how much money he “pays” the household… convientently forgetting that I still pay for everything except the rent and groceries. I pay all of the insurance, the electric, the cable, the cell phones, the car payments, the babysitter, all the taxes, etc, but he thinks I am “blowing” all his money.

    He drinks, on average, 20 beers a day, every day. I cannot recall the last day he did not drink at least a 12 pack. He drank 24 beers the other day and within 2 hours of “falling asleep” wanted to drive himself to attend a funeral- he couldn’t even stand up. This is almost a daily occurence. I travel for work sometimes and I have panic attacks that he is going to drive my kids to school drunk and get into an accident. There have already been several times where the kids didn’t go to school when I was traveling becuase he didn’t wake up in time to take them (its too late at noon!). We have already had CPS called on us because of comments my youngest child made at school about his dads drinking and fighting with me. I am absolutely terrified I will lose my chhildren.

    I am suffering from depression and have been for a few years now. I am angry, bitter but even more sadly, I am becoming numb to it all. I want to leave but I can’t seem to find my strength. I feel like a failure as a mother by letting my children live in this environment.

  10. Just jenn March 2017 at 12:00 am

    Reading these comments is tripping me out. I swear each one i can relate to. I wish my small town had an AA or alanon, hell any support group but they don’t. 15 years dealing with it and i can’t do it anymore. I have no one to talk to about this. I suffer from cptsd and all this that i deal with. I just don’t know what to do. I am either angry, agitated, in panic mode or crying. The gaslighting is really bad too. So tired of the abuse. Thank you for this website. It makes me feel less crazy and to know others understand this hell i have been living.

  11. Lori March 2017 at 7:30 pm

    I understand how all of you feel. I am at the crossroads of what to do with my life. My husband went into rehab last summer for 4 weeks he was really ill and took a lot of persuasion to go. All seemed well for a couple of months then I noticed cans appearing and when I asked him he said ‘I never said I would stop’. Christmas was him in bed drunk and since then he has been staggering around at weekends repeating himself and cross if I say anything. I know he is depressed but I have tried everything and I feel so embarrassed if anyone calls at the house and sees him. I have my mother living in an annexe and I am worried he will turn nasty with her if I go for a divorce. Vodka and co-codamol have destroyed any chance of a relationship and a life. He was once a capable intelligent man now he is agitated when sober and totally irritating when drunk/drugged it is depressing I no longer care about finances I want to find a way to deal with the situation. It frightens me as he can be abusive no-one can get through to him, his mother drinks and also denies he has a problem.

  12. Wendy February 2017 at 9:11 pm

    I had another fight last night with my drunk husband. He was supposed to be stopping it all on his 40th birthday, just four days ago. We were going to really focus on the healthy aspects of our relationship, and support one another in moving forward with healthy habits, and honest dialogue.
    Nothing has changed. It is all false hope. It was all lies.

    I am so incredibly angry I feel I could kill him, and I thought last night that I would, when he put his hands on me when I declined to eat the dinner he prepared for me. I was already upset that I came home to a drunk man stumbling around, eyes glazed, slurred speech, so I excused myself and went to take a shower and lay down. He said he would “rape me” if I didn’t eat the dinner. And when he climbed on top of me, and restrained me, I kicked him so hard he hit the wall and his glasses broke. Now it is all my fault again and he left and is very angry with me. No accountability at all.

    I don’t know why I have to start all this fighting. I should have just ate his dinner. He was trying to do something good, but I just can not stand him or his drinking! I become wildly angry, and he belligerent. I should know not to fight when he is drunk, but I just can’t help it. My anger overwhelms me.

    I am totally lost and totally afraid. I feel crazy all the time.

  13. Chanel January 2017 at 9:21 pm

    Hi everyone, I’m a Filipina in early 30s. Living in the Philippines. On and off relationship with a guy from Europe, but he work and live in my country. I also have the same problem. And why are we so affected with thier drinking habbit anyway? I reach the point that its time for me to make an action. I am not a financialy stable, but I have a home on my own. So, I left my partner. We share our sons costudy. We live in a nice place in a nice area, but I just quit my life with him. Its because I’m not happy living with him, and seeing him drunk most of the time its turn me off.

    1st day of my move out. Some friends messaging me that he is on Tinder and he is messaging her. I don’t get jealous at all. Because I know he will not have a long lasting relationship. Once a man is alcoholic, he will be forever alcoholic. His time is only enough for work and then drink afterwards. For the whole 2 years of spending time with him, he never take me to a movie, or dinner anniversary, but he has time for drinking with his friends. I ask him if he loves me, and he said yes, but how come he never do any normal things with me? If ever he will invite me for something, its always involve the drinking. I don’t find it exciting at all. Its really turn me off.

    I did noticed that he is not into doing things with me. He wants to make a schedule that on Saturday I look after my son, because he will be out with his friend, and on Sunday I can go out and he doesn’t mind looking my son if I want to do something with friends. The fact is, thats not what I want. I want him and my son to go out on the weekend as a family. I saw people around as a complete family if they go to the park. Except me and my son. Because his father was out and drinking only.

    While reading all the comments here, I don’t want to spend 10-20 years like you guys did. 2 years of a torture, I think its more than enough for me. I decided to love myselr more. Living with him, I feel like I’m just a slave. Cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, cleaning bottles for my son, give him a bath and feed him. No day off at all. I don’t even have time for myself anymore. I don’t even recognized myself when I look at myself in the mirror. I lose so much weight. People think I’m sick because I’m too skinny. While the father of my son is getting fat from drinking and eating.

    If the father is off from work, he used his spare time for drinking only. He don’t do sports. He really loves going to the bars only, eat nice food and booze. But when he realiazed he spent so much money, on the next day he will get angry and moody, yell at me, and blame me that I don’t work. And he was the one who cover all the expenses in this family.

    We live here in the Philippines, so I told him, maybe we should hire a nanny for our son, so I can go back to work. Its not expensive to have a nanny here in the Philippines. Thats only his 2 nights of spending in the bars the salary of the nanny. But he is not willing to pay either. So, what am I supposed to do? I can’t commit a job while looking after my son at the same time. I also really wants to have a job as well, because all he does is to count on me, that he pays everything. Before he meet me I had a job, I only quit because I was pregnant and I have to focus with my baby.

    Anyway, I think I am just too unlucky of finding guys. My 1st relationship was not alcoholic, but he was a brutal too. He was a womanizer, and he keeps offering me that he wants a 3 some in bed with another woman, and he is cheating a lot, even I had a lot of evidence he still don’t admit that he was cheating. He just want to f*ck around. So I left him. So I went from the womanizer partner and change to alcoholic partner. Geeeeeezzzzzz I’m actually afraid to find someone now. Whats next? I’m afraid I will meet the next one as a killer… So, I better stop searching for the right one. Better I stay single.

    I’m strong enough. I don’t sit around feeling so sorry for myself. So, I made a decision. I’m single and freeeeeeeeee…..

  14. Dana January 2017 at 12:21 am

    I’ve lost the only person who I ever believed in. I’m past angry. Ive moved on to uncontrollable crying and overwhelming panic. I’ve been married for exactly 13 years yesterday. My husband was my infatuation since middle school. He grew up one block away from me. He was very popular and outgoing. He was everything I was not in high school.

    My childhood was surrounded by pharmaceutical drug addicts. I have issues with addicts. I want to save them because it’s an irrational logic empowered by the unrealistic requirements given to me at birth to be a “savior”. In other words my parents addiction set me up to always feel the need to save someone.

    My husband went to college and quickly became addicted to meth. He was a semi-functional meth-head. By the time he was hitting rock bottom was the time I swooped in. He likes to tell marriage therapist and drug therapist that, “I saved him”. Here’s what really happened.

    He stopped using meth, we got married, he joined the military, and finished his BS and graduated from a very nice school. Started using meth on vacations. Started drinking excessively. We had a son. My husband drank every day. He cheated on me with our neighbor. He said he was drunk when he did it. But then they started calling each other and taking our children to amusement parks together. It was so hurtful and embarrassing for me. I went to the doctor for anxiety. Only because we were in the military, I couldn’t tell them what was causing the anxiety. I felt crazy! I was alone. I hurt so deeply.

    There were many more woman. Many more questionable nights. I made him leave the military when his time was up. Everyone hated me in his shop, because I wasn’t much fun to be around and because my husband sure wasn’t admitting he was an @sshole. Still hasn’t been remorseful!

    We moved back to our home state. He started using meth again. He cheated again. He left me alone a lot. He complained to others about me. We moved again. He drank more. He started using meth again. He drank and did horribly mean things to me. He cheated. He told other people he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I had multiple breakdowns at work. I was scared of him. He started buying bomb kits to make fireworks. I seriously believed he was going to stage my death so he could collect life insurance on me.

    Things slowed down. He stopped using meth and his drinking went only to weekends. Then he cycled and his drinking started getting worse and worse. I was left alone again. I really feel like a failure when I’m left alone so he can get hammered drunk and socialize. So I started sabotaging his relationships with his buddies. I hoped it would help the drinking and drug abuse. Addicts are like magnets. My husband can spot them in a crowd and becomes besties with all of them. I’m 34 years old and I sit in a garage 4-6 nights a week, watching my husband get drunk, while attempting to socialize and pretend it’s all normal.

    I mentioned my anniversary was yesterday. 10 days prior, I took a side job to purchase my husband an anniversary gift. This job required me to sift through the entire year of business book keeping. It was 15 degrees in the office so I had to wear a winter coat, gloves, and stocking. There was no running water, therefore no bathroom. I did not eat while I was there, because honestly it was awful and I just wanted to be done.

    I purchased my husband a 62″, stainless steel, tru-inferred, 5 burner with cast iron skillet, beautiful grill. We had bought our first grill right after we were married. It no longer worked and I thought it would be thoughtful to purchase him a new one. I gave it to him early, because he tends to forget about me on Christmas, Birthdays, anniversaries, valentines etc…….
    he loved it.

    I watched him go to the liquor store multiple times that whole week. One day he went twice. Yesterday came (our anniversary) and he bought me tea lights and bubble bath from the dollar tree. I thought it was a joke. That something else was coming. My husband makes a good living. He has a bs and works in the aircraft industry. Our income is very good.

    Today has been a bad day for me. There was nothing else. He keeps asking me if I’m okay. He knows I’m not okay. He knows why I’m crying. I tell him I want him to add all the liquor store receipt up and please explain again why? He just gets defensive and makes me feel terrible for not being humble and appreciative of my dollar tree items. He reminds me that we did go sit in a garage, while I watched him drink with his buddies, and he cooked steaks, on our anniversary.

    Why does nobody get it?

  15. El December 2016 at 7:55 am

    These comments make me realize that it’s not just me. I’ve been with my ‘functional alcoholic’ husband for 7 years, married for 3 of those. he makes me feel like the irrational one because he’s not a stereotypical drunk. He holds a job, he’s very good at it. He isn’t drinking casks of goon and whole bottles of spirits. I feel bad because I have only become aware and really concerned about his drinking since the discussion of children has come up, which makes me feel guilty and unreasonable. But I have become increasingly angry and resentful of his drinking. when he is drinking I am so detached that I want him to screw up so bad that I will have a final excuse to leave, that he’ll do something so stupid that it will solve my problem. When he’s sober I resent him and countdown until he next disappointments me.
    I just feel stuck.

  16. kit December 2016 at 7:12 am

    Living with an alcoholic is like being hell when you don’t deserve to be there. I have been married for 30 years and the last 15 have been with an alcoholic. Unlike some on here, I don’t love my husband AT ALL. I can’t stand him. He is the mean cruel alcoholic. He has never hit me (I wish he would just once so I could have him arrested!) He is mentally/emotionally cruel and his is absolutely vicious. He is now retired, on disability and has absolutely NOTHING to do all day long. He will drink for WEEKS on end..beer and his drink of choice…whiskey. He won’t eat, won’t sleep just sits around and drinks till he can’t even walk. He falls alot and hurts himself, blood everywhere, breaks things and STILL won’t stop.

    10 years ago he was told he only had weeks to live, he was suffering from hepatitis/complete liver failure. His eyes were yellow, skin yellow, whole body bloated. He was put in a nursing home to die. The doctors said they couldn’t do anything else. Somehow he survived..they called it a miracle. We all thought he would stop drinking. SO WRONG!!! He went right back to drinking. No one can get through to him, he doesn’t want help. He just wants to drink.

    I loved him once, but now I can’t stand the sound of his voice, the smell of him. He will go WEEKS without taking a shower, wear his old nasty puke stained, pee stained clothes. He’ll go out in public like that and when I try to stop him he yells at me. I am emotionally battered to the point I don’t wish to go on living.

    I left a great job to take care of him and now 7 years later I depend on him financially with him constantly berating me that I’m stupid, lazy and a bitch. I am saving up to get out and once I leave, I don’t care if he does.

    Unless you have been around an abusive alcoholic, I’m sure I sound cold. I’m not..I’m just sick of it..sick of him, sick of trying to explain to neighbors why he yells at them, their dogs, just sick of it all. This isn’t a life..its a prison sentence and I want out.

  17. Debra December 2016 at 8:12 am

    I never thought I would be saying this, but I am all to happy to share that I am leaving my husband of 14 years. He has started a fire in our home and left us homeless with children, lost cars because he can’t make payments, gone to bars and stayed out til the next morning, emotionally and somewhat physically abused me and the children, and put us in financial disorder.He has also physically abused animals, which scares me and the kids. If it were not for me being so forgiving, I would have left years ago. He always seems to somehow make me feel responsible for these things when I know he is. I am going to reclaim myself. He no longer gets to shove this off on me and sometimes the kids. I am not a hateful person and I will always love him. Frankly, it has gotten to the point where I don’t trust him and our marriage is torn. Love or not, this time it is about my children and i, and not him. He is used to getting his way so I am sure he will put up a fight but it will only be his own. I am a rational person and have weighed the pros and cons of a marriage like this. Everyone says the same thing; “Get out.” I am sad that it has come to this and I have tried for years to reason with him, but this is not love and isn’t that what good marriage has. This is sick twisted manipulation. Is he narcissistic?

  18. Yvette December 2016 at 1:36 pm

    I read all these post, and realize its not just me who is feeling this way about my husband. I feel very sad, because I feel I have lost the good man my husband used to be. I have been married 13 years. In the beginning we drank together for fun on the weekends, but then we began drinking after work during the week “had a bad day at work”. I got cancer and went through treatments, so I stopped drinking all together, he didn’t. Seems his drinking is just getting worse. Now when he gets drunk he is getting angry and is beginning to call me names, such as whore or cunt. I feel that he took care of me when I had cancer, I cant leave him. I am very conflicted because I am not liking him much, even loosing the love I had for him, but I don’t leave him because, when he is not drunk, he can be a good man. I am afraid one day I will have to file for divorce 🙁

  19. kate November 2016 at 1:41 pm

    my husband quit after daily drinking 10 years (he had not been problematic for about 10 prior), he stopped on his own, cold turkey. he Is like a new man…….me…..im lost…..I cant let go of anger, I find myself not giving 2 cents about him stopping. Im still angry at him and myself for allowing it to go on that long and for me babysitting him. I want a lover, companion and spouse I wont have to worry about this happening again!

  20. M October 2016 at 1:05 pm

    Thank you all for sharing. I am in the same situation as you. I am so sick of living with someone who gets so angry for no reason. I am the one to blame for everything he is unhappy with in his life. He goes so mad sometimes that his face goes purple and his mouth froths. Sometimes when I am upstair I can hear him ranting to himself and banging the walls or table. I too am so exhausted and depressed from carrying him through life. I am always getting berated for small things I do, or for not agreeing with him. I don’t challenge him at all because it is not worth the backlash and resentment I get. I feel so sorry to read all the stories on here, it is so sad when you end up with someone like this. They could be wonderful people but they are so damaged and they damage those who are close to them. I often think, if only I knew what to say or do to prompt him on to a road to recovery, but deep down I know that is up to him. I am relived to find that I am not the only one who finds this situation so impossible. For years I have let him convince me that I am an exceptionally weak and useless person to the point I belived him and I still have to fight against believing that. Thank you for your honesty and for letting me post my feelings.

  21. 2016-10-15 October 2016 at 7:39 pm

    After catching my functional alcoholic husband of 10 yrs kissing another woman I told him it was the bottle or his family! He is getting his 1 month button from AA tonight. Yet I have no faith or trust in him to not pick up another bottle or cheat on me again. I moved and got a place in my name only and told him 1 drink and I’m done. He thinks I don’t know he is drinking when he tries to hide it from me! But so far so good. But my trust, my faith, and my character have been broken and stolen from me because of this.

  22. Mary October 2016 at 2:46 pm

    How can you love or even respect an alcoholic??? Their focus WILL always be their addiction NOT you.
    They will lie, detact, deny, manipulate. Make you feel worthless, crazy, selfish, and guilty.
    I have finally made the decision it is either ME or HIM.
    I chose ME.

  23. Tha September 2016 at 8:09 pm

    Yup. Same same all of it. Could fill the page with all the same stuff. Why though? Why has it always been this way and throughout history. These stories are different yet all the same.

  24. kim September 2016 at 3:15 am

    I wish I could say that I feel angry, but I don’t. I just feel sad. Sad that I committed 13 years of my life to a man who never puts me first, a man who takes before he gives, a man who blames me for everything, a man who drinks so much that he passes out and wets the bed like a baby, a man who thinks all his drinking problems are because of things I do or say or don’t do. All of this makes me feel incredibly sad. And what makes me feel even sadder is that we’ve managed to build a great life, we both have good jobs, we travel overseas every year, we have fun together, at times. And I feel so sad that that life is all wasted. Wasted and over. Over because I need to leave now. I can’t stay under these conditions. The excessive binge drinking that leads to the depression, the depression then leads to the blame, and the blame always falls on me. I wish I could feel angry, it would make this easier. But I just feel sad.

  25. Worried and Scared September 2016 at 7:45 pm

    For the last decade I have spent my life with the most caring, loving, loyal and dependable man you could ever wish to meet.. When he is sober. When he is DRUNK (these days, most days) he turns in to a man I no longer wish to be around. One that is aggressive, scary and totally unrecognisable. I don’t know what to do. I love him dearly and hate the thought of my life without him in it. However, I suffer with severe depression and emotionally unstable personality disorder. This is destroying both of us and I need to put the brakes on. As he is a high functioning alcoholic as far as he is concerned there is no issue. If I leave I am abandoning a man who has supported and continues to support me with my issues. However if I stay I am facilitating and accepting his behaviour. What a dilemma. He is an alcoholic and my heart is telling me to stand by him and my head is saying get out before he completely destroys us both. Reading everyone else’s experience has helped me to speak out and for that I am grateful. God give me the strength to make the right decision. Love and Prayers to all that are suffering.

  26. Jen August 2016 at 1:59 pm

    I am celebrating our one month wedding anniversary today, alone in silence. My husband is a functioning alcoholic and hurls hurtful insults at me when he is drinking. I foolishly thought that things would be different after getting married – but so far, it doesn’t look like there will be any improvement. Things have just gotten worse. In just one month. Last week, he was fall-down drunk 3 nights out of 6. He got to the point that he blacked out and remembers nothing. He tells me not to greet him at the door with hugs/kisses/conversation – because he needs his silence and needs to “zone out”. Then he reaches for his bottle, and pours himself drink after drink. I used to try to put him in a better mood, and to try to put a smile on his face. Now, it is just a scowl and he is unhappy all the time. We don’t laugh together. We don’t do anything together. I no longer have the desire to drink like I used to when we first met. I found that we fought more when I had a few drinks, and I didn’t like who I was when I was drinking. Now I might have a glass of wine with dinner, and that’s it. My husband has dropped hints on a few occasions that I should drink more like the “old Jen”, but I just don’t want to. I feel so alone, and hated. I am losing the willingness to even talk to him or to try to put a smile on his face. It doesn’t work anymore. I am constantly blamed for everything. I am regretting signing up for this….I am sad way more than I am happy.

  27. Mike August 2016 at 7:17 pm

    My wife and I have been together for eight years. On our second date she was upfront with me about her struggles with depression and anxiety and for years she actively worked with a therapist to help her cope with her illness. Her illness was a part of our relationship, but we communicated well, and we’re very much able to enjoy our life together. Since the birth of our second child she has replaced regular therapy with wine, vodka, gin and whatever else is available. It took me well over a year to realize there is a problem, and I think the thing I struggle most with is the lack of communication and trust. I feel like we don’t talk about anything of substance anymore. Even the simplest conversation turns to a fight. She’s made two attempts at sobriety over the past year, and each time has given me a glimmer of hope that we’ll get back to what we once had. Just find myself lately struggling to not think about her drinking. Beem to a few AlAnon meetings, but having trouble not letting it consume my thoughts every day.

  28. Astrala August 2016 at 11:17 am

    My husband has been an alcoholic since before we married almost 4 decades ago. He didn’t drink when I met him, which I loved, I was raised that drunkenness is shameful. What I didn’t know when we met in college was that he did not drink because he was selling his plasma to pay bills, and one can’t drink when selling plasma.
    After we were together, I had a good job with long hours and he didn’t have to sell plasma – he started drinking. Since that time, he’s been a very highly functioning alcoholic. I love him, but I hate him and he disgusts me when he drinks. He has a sharp tongue and makes mean, cutting, nasty comments to me when he drinks. If I can get him to eat anything, it’s better, but usually he gets mad when I make dinner and bring it to him. He’s a total jerk until he finally eats dinner – our kids and I learned to serve him dinner on the couch. He’ll be mean and nasty about not wanting to eat, but if we leave it next to him, he’ll eventually eat it. And what’s sad is that once he eats, he’s generally the great guy I fell in love with again.
    For the past few years, a lot of times when he drinks he sort of slumps into the chair a lot and I worry about him. If anything happened to me when he’s drinking, I’m out of luck – he simply couldn’t help me. He also doesn’t want to go out after work and do anything, in favor of getting drunk at home.
    Since I retired and have more time to consider my life, I realized how much his drinking has hurt our family. I realized how much I did when I worked was simply to get away from him while he drank. Now that I’m home all the time, and alone most the day, I want his company, but when he drinks he’s a verbally abusive jerk a lot of the time. I’m at the point where he simply disgusts me most the time. We just got back from a camping trip, and when he drinks and doesn’t eat he’s loud and mean – he humiliated me with things he says, all overheard by the strangers in the tightly packed campground….someone in the group right next to us made a comment about why my family would put up with it.
    So, here I am, in a 40 year relationship that’s failing because of his drinking. He comes home and watches music videos – often the same ones night after night – and television, and doesn’t remember it. I’m angry. If I had to do it all over again, when I realized he was a drinker 40 years ago, I never would have married him.

  29. Sarah July 2016 at 4:30 pm

    Hi my wife is an alcoholic and she is a blackout abusive drunk. We had our one year wedding anniversary this weekend and she got so black out drunk she pushed me and called me fat for 10 minutes and trashed the hotel room. Let’s just say I left and the next morning she apologized but I told her if she doesn’t go to rehab or get help I am done. She agreed to AA meetings and a therapist. I found her a therapist she will see in two days and we went to an AA meeting last night. But her sober and drunk she just constantly is moody and I have to walk on egg shells constantly. I miss the old her she turned into this person last year and every now and than she gets extremely blackout drunk and is abusive. We even went to Italy and she tried to attack the flight attendant and almost got arrested. Nothing is ever her fault but I said if this doesn’t work in sending u to an inpatient rehab and she agreed. Her whole family are alcoholics. I am sick of this abuse and feel stuck. I refuse to put up with it and glad I stayed strong. I am going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight.

  30. Lulu June 2016 at 11:37 am

    My adult son continues to be angry and upset with his sober father, my husband. My son seems to continue to long for a closeness from his father that he has rarely felt. My son laments the absence of a relationship with his father, when he was younger. He has never gotten over the feeling that his Dad did not care much based on his frequent absences from important events in my son’s life, his inattentiveness and remoteness when he was around, and the absence of opportunities my husband would not/could not provide. To this day, my son longs for a warm and caring relationship based on mutual need and respect. What seems to be available is a relationship based on my husband’s needs, rather than my son’s. My son seems to need his Dad to recognize the neglect and harm he engendered and apologize for it, while my husband cannot really remember and feels no need to apologize and thinks our son should just buck up and love him unconditionally, no matter what was in the past. I believe that when our son reminds him of his shortcomings and the things he could have done, but didn’t, and shares the negative effects that continues to have on his life, my husband angrily dismisses him as self-centered, ungrateful, whining, and unpleasant and his response is silence and a lack of communication, further withholding what my son so longs for.

    I have longed for similar warmth of a relationship in which my husband would put me first, and in earlier years, put our family first, but after more than 30 years, that has not come to be. He has never apologized for the grief and loneliness and restrictions he put on my life or the permanent damage he did to his children. He only wants to be around the children when they want nothing from him. I find that the only way I can accept him now is to be self-sufficient, independent minded and acting, nurse my own grief, and be able to tell him what I need without making him feel guilty about what he has not and cannot do. If I act as if I need more than he can give, his reaction is to go the other direction and withhold any relationship. I have recently told him that unless he can put me and our relationship first, we cannot go on together. He is trying.

    He finds great acceptance at AA meetings and gives a lot of time to the community, which is part of the AA program. However, I don’t think he has ever taken inventory of his behavior toward his family. I guess it is too painful for him and he would rather be with people who were never affected by his behavior. He continues to plan his life however he wants without consulting with me, which has been a root problem all our married lives. I continue to try to get in sync with him, but it can be exhausting, and I can never get him to understand why it matters to plan our lives together. Some things never change. so, in order to get along and have some semblance of a relationship with him, I must be the one to keep our relationship a priority, adjust myself, and make what he wants more important than what I need. I am not sure this is a good formula, but it is the one I am applying right now.

  31. Louise May 2016 at 7:34 pm

    My husband has been sober for many years. He has relapsed twice in the last twenty years and this time sobriety has lasted 15 years. Funny how some things don’t change just because sobriety has been achieved. Last night, before going to bed, I had asked my retired, busy on 5 boards, and bodily obsessed husband to awaken me before he left for his 8:00 am appointment, so I would not oversleep and miss the morning shift start for taking care of our disabled daughter. He was agreeable and it did not seem to be a bother at the time. Normally, I get myself up, but the day before, I had overslept and he had gone to his early morning AA meeting, and I missed starting the morning caretaking shift, meaning the night person had to stay longer. This morning, my husband awakened me by standing at the bedroom door and bellowing my name several times and shouting it was time to get up, shocking me out of a sound sleep. Then, he left. I stumbled out of bed, still not knowing what the emergency was or why he was so worked up as to shout at me. He was gone, though, before I made it down the hall. No emergency apparent. However, there was a note on my computer to read page 15 of a document. Then, I opened my email and there was a long note from him telling me all the things he had scheduled for his day and that, in effect, he was totally unavailable until after 7:30 p.m. I knew only about the one morning appointment. All the rest were a surprise. He went into a long description of the document he wanted me to sign and why he had changed his mind on part of it and now didn’t want to do what he had demanded we do two weeks ago. I was reeling still from the reverberation of his shouting.

    I texted to ask what the emergency had been and why he was so angry as to shout me awake without explanation and explained how upsetting it had been for me. He said he had been ready to leave and remembered he was supposed to wake me up so he came back to do so. He came home briefly late morning and said he was sorry that I got so upset. I said that was not an apology. He said he had nothing to apologize about, that I was simply an angry woman, and over reacting again. I told him that shouting to wake me up was either mean or not rational. I reminded him of a similar outburst two weeks ago that had nothing to do with me and he never apologized for his anger and shouting outburst at me and our son. I said if he wanted a relationship then we had to go to counseling. It took more than half the day to recover from his shouting assault and all the memories of past drunken shouting and mercurial behavior. I feel I can’t take it anymore. He gives much evidence of wanting the single life, spending many hours every day on his own, with AA friends, board meetings, or using the computer/watching tv of his choosing. He has eliminated the home phone service. He has eliminated the tv channels I like because some of them can be found on Roku and he doesn’t want to pay to indulge me. I told him that if he wanted a single life and not to be a couple, then he could continue living his own schedule that does not include me or my desires or needs or wants. He has been sober for many years, but the general conceited and self-centered focus never seems to change. I would like him to put me first. That seems to be very hard for him.
    L

  32. Susan May 2016 at 12:55 pm

    I found a shopping bag of empty beer cans in the trunk of the car when I went grocery shopping the other day. He tells me he has been doing better with his drinking. He just gets better at hiding it. I can’t look him in the eye any more and feel hurt, angry, and betrayed. We have a 1 year old and I don’t want her to grow up without a father. At the time when I was pregnant he had been court ordered to blow into a machine every couple of hours to make sure he wasn’t drinking. Was the best year of our entire relationship because he did not drink. When I ask him to stop, he says “what do you want me to do sit here and be a saint?” I thought having a baby would make him want to be a better person and quit drinking so much. It is never ending and I don’t want to raise my daughter in this environment. I should have left him years ago but a I am apparently co-dependent and need to help myself.

  33. Claire May 2016 at 9:25 pm

    I am so mad at my husband. I got into another row with him last week in which I actually said I wish he would die. I obviously didn’t mean it, but I am so pushed to a point of not knowing how to make this any better.

    He is in complete denial about his drinking. He drinks every day of his life. He is drunk every night of the week. He has been doing this since he was 18. He is now 42.

    I blame myself for not getting to know him before I got pregnant. I thought he was just a typical single bloke that liked a few beers. Now I want a divorce because he won’t even acknowledge that he has a problem.

    I can tell his alcoholism is getting worse. He drinks secretly and hides bottles everywhere. He is getting short with the kids. He blames me for everything. I feel like things are only going to get worse.

    I wonder if I should start going to Al-Anon meetings. I am so busy with two kids under three and now I have to spend my only free time dealing with this. I cannot describe how angry and hurt I am.

  34. Angela April 2016 at 4:40 pm

    I am married to a functioning alcoholic for 13 years. I’m at my breaking point with him. I’m reading all the comments and have been all over the internet, reading and reading and reading. I’m really becoming hopeless.

    He says he will stop and get help. I told him I was done. But all I keep reading is that this a common occurrence. And yes I’ve heard it before too. I don’t know if there is really any hope for him. I think my marriage is over and we have 2 beautiful boys. This sucks.

  35. Kell April 2016 at 2:57 pm

    I’m angry when noon comes around because that’s when my husband starts drinking. I feel abandoned and alone because he becomes this bitter person I don’t love. I feel angry because I love the other person and feel guilt for wanting to leave someone so vulnerable. I feel desperately low and depressed and hate myself for getting so angry because of his drinking. I hate myself so much.

  36. Sara April 2016 at 4:20 pm

    I have spent so many years trying to detach, that now I feel numb about my alcoholic husband of 13 years. I want to recount how I feel, exactly. I want to include all the tears, emotional hurts, mental injuries incurred during fruitless mind-games initiated by him. I want to incite and list every wrong, every lie, every shattered family relationship, every broken promise. I want to talk about all the times I cried alone, wishing I had a better life, bitter, scared and angry. I have spent years drowning in empty neglect. And yes, I am furious with him.

    But I also feel overwhelmingly guilty. Guilt is my constant companion. I feel such intense guilt that I don’t feel the same way about him that I used to, that I am so detached I don’t know how to get back to him, not that I want to.

    I feel guilt that I harbor such intense dislike and also apathy toward someone who is not a bad person, but a horribly sick person. And it’s the guilt now that I don’t know what to do with. Anger is one thing. So is sadness. So are shame and confusion, but guilt is a beast of a different nature. And right now, I feel that it is winning. I no longer know how to feel or what to do. In fact, I don’t think there is a right answer, not in this game that has no winners or rules. I think, in the end, everyone playing this game loses more than they ever realize.

  37. Becki February 2016 at 6:44 pm

    Wow! Reading all of this is just shocking. I guess I’m not the only one that feels stupid for putting up with this stuff. I live with a severe alcoholic. And I mean severe. Every other week, he goes on a 5-day binge. His binges are 24 hours each day. He gets drunk, passes out on the couch, gets up, goes to his secret hiding place, guzzles some more, lays back on the couch, wakes up, goes to his hiding place, guzzles — never ending.

    He never takes a break from that cycle until the 5th day. He can’t drive because he has a blower on his truck due to a felony DUI he received last year during a work trip to Texas. I was praying that they would put him in jail. I’m still praying that he screws up and ends up going to jail.

    That’s just what he’s been doing in the past year. Before that, he would go on business trips and end up spending 5 days drinking 24 hours straight in hotel rooms, so that 3-day trips ended up being 2-week trips. I loved those days — at least I got a break.

    But, I’ve noticed lately that even when he’s sober, I’m so angry and resentful that I really don’t like him. He’s weak and he’s a whiner. He is never accountable and everyone else is to blame for his problems. I’m sick of his drama. I’m the woman — I’m supposed to bring the drama. Kidding.

    We haven’t slept in the same room in about 5 years. He claims that he has trouble sleeping so he sleeps on couch. I know that it’s because he needs to be close to his bottle. I am grateful for that. I don’t want to sleep with him or near him.

    Why am I staying, I bet you’re asking. I’ve raised his two daughters and they’re both off to college now. I adopted two of my sister’s boys and they’re almost grown now. Here’s the crux — we bought a house together. However, it would have taken an ounce of work for him to do what was needed to get on the loan — God forbid! The loan is in my name only and stupid ol’ me decided that since he does pay half the mortgage and contributes to the household, I would put his name on the deed.

    So, if I leave, he could ruin my credit. I ask him to leave and he says he doesn’t have to, it’s his house. I wish he would raise his hand in anger at me just one time! I’d call the cops so fast, his head would spin. Unfortunately, he’s the sloppy, crying drunk, not the mean drunk. He raised his voice at me a couple of weeks ago and I just held up the phone I was carrying. I said, “Talk to me again — please. I’m dying to call 911.”

    I know I’m coming across as heartless, but I’ve been dealing with this for 12 years. I’ve done everything in my power and given chance after chance after chance. I’ve done everything right. I’ve coped with it, I’ve helped him keep a semblance of a relationship with his kids, which I didn’t really want to do because it isn’t in their best interest. I’ve not cheated, I work hard, make a good living, take care of everything.

    I’m so angry I could spit. I want out and I want out now. I just have to do it smart, so that I’m not paying for it later.

  38. Maria February 2016 at 6:22 am

    I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. With all these comments, I feel sad that things won’t improve. I’m worried. I don’t want to spend my life looking back, thinking I shouldn’t have stayed, or kept giving him one more chance.

  39. G February 2016 at 5:13 am

    I am angry at my dad, a man who has everything and chooses to drink and smoke his time away, then complain about feeling lonely and bored. I am sick of listening to his self-obsessed rants. I’m not his counsellor, I am his daughter.

    Because of growing up with this dysfunction, I have attracted drug and alcohol abusers into my life — lying, selfish addicts. I am fed up with spending time around this and am currently distancing myself from that messed up way of living.

    I am angry that life has sent this my way, but on the other hand very grateful that they have not dragged me down to their level. I am now very careful who I spend my time with. My father, I will always love unconditionally, but I can’t worry about him anymore — that’s not fair!

    Friends who are going down that route, I am leaving go. It’s a lonely and scary journey, weaving my path around unsafe people, but in the long run I have too much respect for myself to do anything less.

  40. Linda February 2016 at 10:37 am

    I am so angry. I feel like I have wasted the last 20 years of my life. Don’t know who I am more angry at — my husband or myself.

    Have left my husband twice, only to return cause he “promised” things would be different. When I asked him why he lied, his response was, “It’s the only way I could get you back.” I am so depressed.

    We are like roommates — no intimacy. Am not sure how much longer I can live this lonely life.

  41. Valerie January 2016 at 8:57 pm

    I don’t know how it went from so good to so bad. I am embarrassed and scared to death, and the anger is eating me up. I read the comments and it really helped ease the pain and it got me through the afternoon.

    Logically I know it is the alcohol and drugs, but I can’t get past the hurt, the loneliness or the sadness. I hate the disinterest I feel towards everything except my insane thoughts about how he is going to get better, grab me close and kiss me intimately before telling me how sorry he is, but it never happens and as I get closer to realizing it never will, the sadness for what used to be is overwhelming. I am at a crossroads.

  42. Vernie January 2016 at 12:49 am

    I am so angry with my husband of 29 years. His dad was an abusive alcoholic, he grew up watching his mother get beaten. He hated growing up like that. Yet here he is, once again drunk!

    He doesn’t beat me, but he is emotionally abusive all the time. I hate the smell as soon as I walk through the door, even if he is upstairs, his breath smells like he’s rotting inside. And it makes him stupid and then he lays here like a bum and falls asleep. And I won’t get any sleep cause he always snores when he’s drunk!

    He’s never been good with money, so we’re always broke. But he manages to constantly borrow or get credit at the store. He has lied to me so much about so many things, I’m just tired of our marriage. Sometimes I feel like I hate him.

  43. cn December 2015 at 11:41 am

    So angry that my pothead husband thinks he doesn’t have a problem, because it’s not alcohol he’s using. He doesn’t care enough about me to quit.

  44. Lisa December 2015 at 9:53 pm

    I have been reading these posts and they are helping me a lot.

    I have been married to an alcoholic for 6 years and I’m so angry! I can’t believe I have stayed this long. He was drinking before we got married, but I didn’t know how much and how often. It would start with little arguments about his drinking too much. I had seen my grandfather slowly die from alcohol abuse and never want to go through that again.

    So he would promise to quit and get help, then a week later he would be drinkin again. I wouldn’t say no, because when I did we would fight about it. Got to the point where I was so tired of fighting all the time I would just give in to have a good night.

    Then came the lying about not drinking and hiding it when he did. Swearing he has not had a drink, believing that I could not tell. The lies, broken promises and hurtful words have slowly chipped away at me to the point where I do not trust my husband at all and do not believe anything he says.

    This time he swears is different. “I didn’t know I hurt you”, “I’ll do it this time I promise.” I’ve heard it all before and I don’t want to — No, I can’t get hurt again. I have decided to file for divorce and pray he gets the help he needs.

    I don’t know what the future will hold for either of us, but I do know that we both need to heal and get well — but it can’t happen together.

  45. Juliana October 2015 at 10:55 am

    I am so angry! I’ve been married for 20 years. My husband always drank, even before we got married, but I thought it was normal – social drinking – that everyone did, including me! But it got worse as our lives changed – kids, a house, job, finances. He abused alcohol to numb himself of life’s struggles and challenges. He gained weight. Every time we went out anywhere together – to a nice restaurant, out with friends, a wedding, etc – he got drunk. Even when he said he wouldn’t, he did. He ruined so many moments that should have been lovely memories.

    My life has been a roller coaster. Every time he drank and treated me horribly, he would wake up the next day and tell me he’s sorry and that he wants to change. He’s been depressed – hates his job, hates his body. So a couple of years ago he had bypass surgery and lost a lot of weight. He started to exercise. I thought things would change, but they only got worse.

    His surgery left him intolerant to alcohol. He drank less, but got drunk quicker. He has less room for food in his stomach and would fill it with booze before nutrition. In January of this year he got so drunk and came at me with his hands around my neck. Our 15-year-old son had to intervene. I kicked him out, but took him back 2 weeks later after he begged me and I felt sorry for him.

    I recently found a water bottle in his truck filled with vodka and realized how stupid I have been. He’s been hiding it from me for years and I have been a fool. We are now separated. He says he wants to get help and is trying, but I don’t see it. I am so angry for staying so long and for believing things could be better. I miss the man I met 25 years ago. My best friend and soul mate is gone and I feel so alone.

  46. Lesley July 2015 at 12:23 pm

    As I read all these posts, I realize I am extremely angry with my husband’s drinking. I have been with him for almost 20 years, and when we met we were both addicted to anything that would get us high. We quit the meth and moved on to alcohol. 14 years ago he gave me an ultimatum — either I quit drinking or he was taking our children and leaving me. I chose to quit because I was/am an alcoholic. I haven’t drank since.

    I am so sick of the babysitting when he drinks. When he does/says stupid stuff, I am beyond embarrassed. It’s gotten to the point where I spend more and more time in my room, because I don’t want to deal with it. He is not abusive to me in any way, shape or form, wants to be intimate and is very loving, but I can’t get past his drinking. He is a functional alcoholic — because he doesn’t/hasn’t ever missed a day of work, he doesn’t feel it’s a problem.

    These posts have helped me a lot on deciding whether to go to Al-Anon, I will look for a meeting stat. Thank you all for your words and I hope each and every one of your situations gets better.

  47. dina June 2015 at 1:36 am

    I’ve been married 27 years to a functioning alcoholic. First I stayed because of our children, then I stayed because of the financial stability. Then we lost over 1/2 of our life savings. Through it all he has failed to show physical affection, but professes deep love.

    Now at 54, I find I am bitter and resentful. I cannot stand his drinking, the smell, his passing out, snoring. I have threatened to leave him for years. I don’t know if I can resign myself to this life forever. I am attractive and in good shape. But I really am starting to hate him.

  48. Sam June 2015 at 4:28 pm

    I am so angry at my mother. She is an alcoholic and she knows it. She lies all the time and yells all the time. I’m sick of it. I don’t want my kids around her. She is so selfish. She told us all that she has seen an AA sponsor and she said this person told her she wasn’t an alcoholic.

    She is a mean drunk. She yells at everything and everyone. She tries to drive and throws things when we take and hide her keys. She treats my dad horribly and calls him names. She says all these mean, nasty things and then the next morning acts all nice. She repeats things over and over because she can’t remember anything.

    This may seem like something little, but last night was my final straw. I went out for supper and drinks with some friends for a birthday. She called me 4 times and the last time I answered and asked why she kept calling me. She yelled at me saying I was the one that called her.

    I don’t get out a lot and when I do she has to ruin it. I am very controlled in my drinking. I hardly ever drink alcohol because I will never do what she does.

    My husband likes to have a couple drinks on the weekend and because of her I find myself not even being able to enjoy one drink with my husband every now and then. I avoid going out because I hate what alcohol can lead to.

    As I sit here ignoring my mother’s tenth call today, avoiding the inevitable “brightness” of her calling, like she did nothing last night. I’m becoming more and more bitter, and angry.

  49. Ally May 2015 at 9:53 pm

    I am so angry with my boyfriend of four years. He always says he will stop drinking and never does. He just gets so out of control when he drinks. He ends up smacking me, punching me, choking me, throwing me around, throwing tables and chairs at me, etc. until the police get called by the neighbors because we live in an apartment building.

    He always accuses me of cheating when he’s drunk and he has no reason to. I have never and will never cheat. This past time I got his family involved because I just can’t deal with it alone anymore. I want to leave, but I just can’t. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, too.

    He spends all the money on alcohol, to the point where we can’t make our rent. It is devastating having to constantly ask my single mother for money. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so angry and beside myself. I feel so alone. No one understands why I don’t just leave.

  50. Jen April 2015 at 11:27 am

    I was married over 34 years to a wonderful man with an addictive nature, which I discovered 5 years into the marriage. I found him passed out in the chair in the wee hours of the morning with the TV rolling. Our son was only 6 months old and I told him it was us or the booze, that he couldn’t have both. Things were great after that as far as I knew. Eventually, he would go on to obtaining his ministerial license and we worked in Children’s Church. As he got older and our kids were also older, he insisted it’s OK to have a glass of wine so I allowed it, relaxing my standards. He began drinking more, which caused him to gain a lot of weight. He began having heart issues and he decided to have stomach bypass surgery.

    After surgery he lost a lot of weight and felt great. It wasn’t long though till he began drinking, since he couldn’t eat much. It now took less for him to get his high. If we went out to dinner, he would not hardly touch the expensive dinners but he’d drink and say he was OK to drive–jeopardizing us both. If I said anything, he accused me of thinking the worst of him. I stayed silent because I didn’t want anyone to know he was like this; I wanted people to think things were fine.

    Over a period of 15 years, he had to have heart ablation surgery, was diagnosed with chrones disease, then prostate cancer surgery which took him where no man wants to go, which was worsened by his drinking. All the while, I am begging him to stop drinking, that he’s killing himself and I don’t want to be a widow. Each time he was hospitalized, he promised me that he would quit.

    He continued to drink and went into the hospital again and was diagnosed with Level 4 esophageal ulcers and was told to limit the alcohol. He continued to drink and soon was admitted to the hospital and had to have 4 stints in his heart. I was forced to watch the man I loved literally kill himself. While in the hospital, his liver was tested and it was high. Again, I begged him to stop. He said he was a grown man and that he enjoyed it, that he took care of everything and it was his right.

    I began to take care of myself. I ran, exercised, ate right, worked hard at my job. I thought my healthy lifestyle would encourage him to follow along and be with me. It didn’t, though. He said I was trying to embarrass him in front of our neighbors.

    He continued drinking and said it helped him sleep, so I spent the last 3 years going to bed alone. I felt like my marriage was all on me. I witnessed a sweet, loving man become my devil. He was never there for me when I needed him, but I was always there to help him and to be his cheerleader.

    Then one day, he decided to drink and drive and got a DUI. He almost lost his job and he once again, promised to stop. He went to rehab for 2 weeks on his own will. In retrospect, it was to simply keep his job and make it look like he was trying. He got out of rehab and the very next day when I came home from work, he was passed out drunk. I found the booze in his car and I took it and put it in my car to dispose of. He begged me not to tell our kids and that if he did it again, he would let me go. The next morning was a good morning, we loved on each other, ate breakfast and went about our day. I received a call that afternoon that he had wrecked his car and was going to jail with his 2nd DUI. He refused to go back to counseling, so my son held an intervention. It was so moving, but it didn’t seem to phase him.

    I told him to leave and give me time to get through the situation. We went to a marriage counselor and tried to get through it, but he would lie and would not follow instructions. He became more and more irrational, drinking even more, and it was when he called me a liar to our kids I filed for divorce, thinking that would prove to him I was serious. He became violent to me and our friends. He was given a written warning from his employer that he would be randomly tested and that they would dismiss him immediately if he tested positive.

    He admitted himself several times to the hospital to detox. The last time they told him that he physically could not go through it again, that it could kill him.

    His boss was suspicious of him so he followed him and witnessed him purchasing alcohol. The next morning they called him in for testing. It was positive. He was dismissed. We were unable to make our house payments because all of our emergency funds were used to pay lawyers, fines and court costs.

    I knew deep in my heart he would continue to drink, so when he asked me if he had a chance of gaining me back, I told him no. It hurt me to tell him, but he killed the kind of love that it takes for a good marriage. However, we managed to later be friends and enjoy our first grandchild.

    We were scheduled to keep our granddaughter, and on the morning our kids were leaving, we noticed that his skin was very yellow, as were his eyes. I insisted on taking him to the hospital in spite of him saying he didn’t have insurance. He was admitted and two weeks later while still hospitalized, he passed away with liver failure, asities and acute alcoholic hepatitis. He had finally found his healing. He was no longer tormented by his demons.

    Today, one year later, I still dream of him, miss him and feel guilty that my kids’ dad is gone and wonder if I should have stayed to see if I could have done more. Such a tragic way to go for a man that was totally different in the beginning.

    I hope this helps someone. Knowing that you are not alone is so encouraging.

  51. Pam March 2015 at 8:34 pm

    My fiancé is 75 days sober. I wanted him to go to sober living after rehab. He was insistent to come home and be with me and our twins. My codependent side caved in and agreed it would be better if he came home, knowing if I said no, he would probably go to his enabling in-denial parents’ home (which would probably make things worse for me).

    He has been home two weeks and I’m am so angry all the time! I feel more alone than I was while he was gone. I am proud of how focused he is on his sobriety–he works in the mornings (part time), goes to the gym after, sometimes tanning, AA meetings daily and after-care three nights a week. I am left to still maintain the house, take care of our twins, figure out the bills, as I have been the sole provider for our family, and haven’t been able to work more than a couple of days a week due to his schedule.

    When I try and bring up the work issues and bills, he deflects by saying he is doing all he can right now. I feel like a nanny for our kids and a mother to him, rather than his future wife. I tell him I’m unhappy and he tells me to go to a meeting to understand him better.

    I went to my first meeting today, which only confirmed to me I need to work on being happy for myself. I’m important too. Now I need to continue to go, to focus on letting go of my codependent side, and be strong enough to move forward, even if that means without him.

  52. McEntire March 2015 at 3:03 pm

    I have been married for 34.5 years to a functioning alcoholic. I feel angry with myself for not heeding the advice of a trusted friend before I got married. I feel angry with myself for thinking I deserved to be treated poorly.

    And I feel angry with myself for trying to fix the situation by improving myself, and that while I put effort into weight loss and my personal appearance and worked on my sexual intimacy issues, he continued to drink.

    While there is discomfort in the anger, it also feels like a healthy transition for me. At least I am standing up for myself and not playing the part of the victim now. I am taking care of myself for my own sake and making decisions based on what is best for me.

    Still, I know that from a logical perspective, this anger can be wasted energy. It would be better to dance, sing, laugh. I am angry that I have wasted so many years trying to fix an unfixable situation.

  53. Ashley March 2015 at 10:19 am

    This is not my first time with an alcoholic. The father of my two wonderful, wonderful children had a severe addiction problem–from alcohol to heroin. We had our first child when we were 22 years old. I knew I wanted to be a mom and I really didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up.

    My babies’ daddy knew he couldn’t do this. I don’t think he wanted to at first. He did, but he still did his young behavior thing, going to parties, not coming home at all. We broke up, but he still lived with me.

    We separated and got back together and had our second daughter. I thought this is great! He’s not beng sneaky anymore, not hiding it. Ha, ha, ha–that lasted for a good two months. My whole second pregnancy he was doing heroin. When he told me, I couldn’t help but laugh. During my times with him, I found myself being crazy jealous. I really thought I was not that way, but I was.

    I finally left. I was getting my stuff together, taking care of myself, just being me. I loved it so much. I thought I met the man who was going to be my best friend forever. I knew he drank, he was never out of control. I always thought he had control. He has to have a beer or liquor–more beer, though.

    We got married two years ago. I find myself on the same roller coaster ride again. Anger–I get super angry. It’s the worst when he is drunk. He thinks I am too emotional and he is not, so I have to deal with it on my own.

    I find being with an alcoholic, I become emotional and angry and physical. I noticed today that he is now hiding it a bit from me. I was angry, then I cried. Then I went on the web site, and listening to this podcast took a weight off my shoulder, to let it go and take care of me and my kids.

    He knows his problem is up to him to make a change. I know I have mine. So as of today I am doing me, which makes me the happiest.

  54. Missy February 2015 at 11:06 am

    I am angry and sad and always feel as if I’m walking on eggshells when he is around. For years and years I thought he would stop drinking–for himself, for me, for our kids. I met him this way–always a drinker. And when I think back I am so angry at myself for putting me into this situation that has literally destroyed who I used to be. See now, 13 years and 5 kids later, I feel stuck. I don’t know what to do. I have no support and I suffer alone.

    My situation is different. Mostly he is angry and short-fused when he is not drinking. He is a functioning alcoholic. When he drinks he becomes the nice easy-going man I need him to be. What kind of person does that make me?

    But then there are the times he drinks too much–the times I have wakened up in the middle of the night to find him doing sexually abusive things to me. Or the times that he is so knock-down stumbling drunk–his gait all wobbly, his pupils all big.

    It’s the sober belittling. It’s me whom I feel I have to run and hide when he’s coming home. It’s me who knows that soon my young kids will catch on. It’s me who finally realized I have absolutely no control over him. It’s me who checks the cc statements and secretly keeps a log of how much he spends on vodka. He drinks a bottle every other day–so 1/2 bottle a day. He thinks he hides it. And if I ever ask, “Is that a drink?” The answer is always, “Oh, I just poured it.”

    But I smell it every day–pungent, from his breath and pores. I pretend to not know–because after literally years and years of promises to stop drinking, I know he won’t. He self-medicated himself for years with this and me bringing up medication to deal with his real issues only makes him angry and says he doesn’t need that because he’s not “crazy.”

    By the way, I do take anxiety medications. I need them.

    So every once in a while I cry. I cry for me, who is too afraid to make a move to change. I cry for my kids who will most likely be affected by his alcoholism. I cry for him who is killing himself, and I hate myself because the signs were all there prior to us getting married–but apparently I didn’t think I deserved to be treated better.

  55. Das December 2014 at 6:34 am

    My husband is also a functioning alcoholic. Keeps saying he wants kids, but doesn’t think it affects him in this sense. As for me, I am afraid. I will be 37 next year and well really wonder if I have wasted all this time.

    I grew up with an alcoholic father and do not want to have kids in a similar situation. He says I have issues with my dad, which is why I have issues with his drinking. I think it’s my fear because I know better. But I feel so stuck right now.

    I’m at his mother’s for Christmas and last night they were up till 2 am drinking. So she will never help me. I want to go, but then I get drawn back in. It’s really difficult. I doubt myself a lot. I am depressed and angry. I feel very protective of my personal life and give a different impression to what it is. I guess I feel ashamed. I wish I could walk away. I wonder if they ever change, especially if their parent does the same.

  56. Oliver December 2014 at 12:11 am

    I’m 22 years old and until 6 months ago was a severe junkie who couldn’t do anything without being high, until one day my long time boyfriend and father of my 3 small children lost everything because of our addiction–our home, our car, our love, our respect, our dignity, our pride. About 6 months ago I quit doing all the drugs I was doing. I had a few relapses along the way, but I do not deny that.

    Currently I am sober from all drugs and alcohol and working hard to put my life back together, but my new reality is the love of my life is not on the same page. He still uses occasionally, as he minimizes it–which really hurts me to the core, because he seems like he doesn’t think he has a problem and doesn’t want to stop.

    I’ve cut off all associates, because everyone does the same thing every day. Their lives aren’t going anywhere, and it makes me sad my boyfriend won’t stop hanging out with the same junkies and just focus on himself and us, his family. He is such a good man, but he is also broken.

    I can see his sadness in his eyes. I love him more than anything. I just want him sober and to really try. I’m so sick of all the nasty fighting and name-calling, tearing each other down. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t keep living like everything is ok when it’s not.

  57. Katie December 2014 at 1:42 am

    I am angry at myself for marrying him. At him, for manipulating me constantly. Calling me names when he’s drunk, and then saying “sorry” the next day, as if that changes anything. I hate him when he’s drinking. I’m disgusted by his rude and inappropriate behavior.

    I’ve almost forgotten who he is without the alcoholism. He refuses to get help, or even admit his problem. We no longer have intimacy. I don’t trust him emotionally. I am heart-broken, mourning the loss of my marriage. I blame him wholeheartedly, and I’m too angry to be compassionate. Too angry to even help myself. And when the anger lifts, I’m left with terrible sadness.

  58. Brandi December 2014 at 1:58 am

    I am so frustrated. My husband just got out of jail for his 5th DUI. He was sentenced to a 3 month program in the prison system, but he was in jail for 6 months before even going to the prison for the program. So technically when he got out he had nine months of sobriety.

    He has now been out for about 2 months and although he has not relapsed and drank, he is completely irrational and angry all the time. We go 3-5 days and he’s loving and the wonderful husband that he can be. But then he turns into the total jerk that accuses me of anything from not caring about him to cheating on him.

    He keeps bringing up an old boyfriend of mine from over ten years ago, who lives 600 miles away and I don’t have contact with, and he tells me to go be with my ex. All my husband seems to want to do is have sex–not normal marital sex, but way off-the-wall nasty stuff. When I say no to his “requests,” he starts screaming how I don’t love him, I don’t care about him, his feelings don’t matter. He gets nastier and nastier with the name calling. I don’t know what to do.

    Currently he is in a halfway house and I’m living with his grandmother, because he put us in dire straights when he went to jail this time. We lost our home, our vehicles, everything. We only get to see each other 1-2 times a week due to no transportation and him being 25 miles away. I don’t know how to deal with this. And I need to add that he also has borderline personality disorder, so that just compounds the problem.

  59. Terry November 2014 at 7:41 pm

    I have been with my husband for 15 years and married 10. He is nasty belligerent and everything is about him all the time. If I get angry about it, he calls me names and gets tired of me nagging.

    My husband was also diagnosed with type 2 diabetes 2 years ago and he thinks he will be fine as long as he takes his medication. He was told by the doctors to stop drinking and he now drinks even more, 15-20 beers a night, and if he runs out he raids the wine rack sometimes. He spills beer all the time when he drinks. He falls asleep in his chair every night.

    I left my 17-year-marriage and wonder every day if I should have stayed with ex-husband. Even though we had issues, it is nothing like being married to an alcoholic. In the beginning he was great, we went to church, shared family vacations with our kids, took walks and exercised. Now we do nothing together. We share no intimacy, because I refuse to be with him when he is drunk and basically that is every night.

    The really bad part is we lived in separate states for a long time due to our children and I sometimes wonder if he had the issue there, just not as bad. I think he was better back then because the kids were at home. When they left, he became worse.

    I gave up all of my possessions to move here. I paid for a storage unit for 2 years because we were hoping to move into a bigger place. I was unable to sell my house due to the market and therefore had to auction all of my possessions. I have replaced some items, because he doesn’t care about what we have. He does not help with car expenses, car insurance, but he makes sure he brings a 30-pack of beer home every other night. He used to be so kind and considerate and now he is evil pure evil.

    I do not like him and really feel like I don’t have anybody to share this with. I feel like a failure and I will never be happy again. I have wasted a lot of time with him and he refuses to get help. He says if I don’t like it, leave. But at this moment I don’t have the money to leave.

    My son lives with us too and he is in college. He doesn’t like the way he talks to me and uses me. He stays up all night long and gets up at 2, never helps me with his dogs or anything else. I wish I could redo my life, but it is way too late.

    I am so sorry for all or anybody who has to go thru this. I would like to attend Al-Anon and feel I need to, because I have become a very bitter person. I came from a family with loving parents. My father never abused my mom mentally or physically. Sometimes the mental abuse is worse than physical because it really makes you feel like you are not worth anything. I hate going places because you see happy families smiling and loving each other. I wish I could have that again.

  60. katie November 2014 at 7:26 pm

    My situation is now my adult children spend their time drinking at their father’s house when they are visiting from out of town. My daughter has just turned legal drinking age so they & all their friends go out to his house.

    I miss my kids all the time & now get less time with them. I do not drink alcohol. My only time with my kids this holiday weekend was them hung-over. He has all the money and all the fun trips and I am feeling alone and hurt. He knows I will never drink alcohol, but all the partying is awful for me. Thanks.

  61. Leath November 2014 at 11:39 am

    I have been with my partner for 5 years and I am extremely angry! I used to drink socially when we met, but realized I could not cope with his drinking while I was also doing it, so I stopped.

    He used to get violent and hit me, but due to police intervention he had to do an anger management course and has since stopped. I now find myself so angry that I will push him and scream at him. He says nasty things and is constantly accusing me of sleeping around, etc. Nothing I seem to do or say will change his mind.

    I have told him he can’t come to my home if he is drinking. Therefore, at least 3 nights a week I will not hear from him or see him. He might call me from work and make plans with me during the day while he is sober, only to turn his phone off when he finishes work and be uncontactable.

    He will turn up at least once a week drunk, thinking it will go unnoticed and he is doing a good job of hiding it. But he has nasty jabs at me and mutters to himself, saying horrible things about me. While I am trying to put the baby to sleep, he will even turn music up and dance around on his own. It almost feels like he won’t stop until I possibly can’t take anymore and scream at him.

    Tonight we went to a trophy night for him, as he wanted his daughter there. He promised he wouldn’t drink, but that was obviously a lie. I had a lady come up to me and say, “He should get father-of-the-year, he talks about his baby so much.” I couldn’t believe the stupidity of this woman to think all you have to do to be a great father is talk about your child.

    I had another man whom I’d met previously say, “Are you and him back together? I thought he was with that other bird.” I just shook my head. There’s not a doubt in my mind he cheats. I don’t even care that he does. I only keep up the facade of being in a relationship with him, as I have no real interest in being in a relationship and feel that this keeps the peace, as every time I have broken it off with him he goes on vicious character-ruining tirades to everyone I know.

    The days he is sober he is angry and blaming me for everything, saying I don’t show him love. He expects me to tickle his back and cuddle him and have sex with him. Then he takes a sleeping tablet and is asleep within an hour of being home.

    While he is at work he will call me up to 15 times a day, wanting to video chat and making me walk the phone around the house so he can see no one else is here. When he is off drinking, he has no interest in what I do or who might be at my house. (Not that there ever is anyone, it just doesn’t make sense to me.) I get no rest, which I really need having a newborn, but he doesn’t care. He contributes exactly $0 to the household in any way and I feel that after writing this I just need him out of my life.

    I’m exhausted and would really like to start attending Al-Anon meetings. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

  62. James November 2014 at 5:36 pm

    I feel more guilt for leaving my wife of six years than I can handle. She has bipolar and drug addiction problems. I feared for the safety of my son and the stability of his upbringing.

    She had been removed from the home and should have been in rehab. Instead she wanted to try to function on her own. That was four weeks ago. Now she is homeless and totaled the truck she had gotten in the divorce.

    I want to help her, but she has to want to help herself. There are constant insinuations that she doesn’t want to live and how bad her situation is. I don’t want her to hurt herself and I am worried she might.

  63. michelle October 2014 at 10:51 am

    I will try for five Al-Anon meetings and two A.A. meetings a week. I didn’t think I needed back-to-back meetings, but the drinking got worse.

  64. Charlie October 2014 at 7:28 pm

    Tonight I’m sleeping on the couch–well, trying to. He is still shouting abuse down the stairs after he came down to call me names. Sick of being called ugly, sick of crying. So hard to try and support someone when they talk to you like crap. Every time he says something hurtful I cry. You think I would be numb to it by now.

    Everything I do or say is wrong, or me getting at him. He is so defensive all the time. Feel like I’m walking on eggshells. The mood swings are awful. I hate the noise of the cans open and the drink pouring into the glass. I never know what he means when he’s saying horrible things. He says he doesn’t mean them, but I think he does. My confidence is in tatters and my heart’s broken. It’s not me he’s in love with. It’s alcohol and that’s what kills me the most.

  65. Samantha September 2014 at 7:02 am

    I have been married to an alcoholic for 21 years. I have gone through so many emotions through those 21 years. Dismay, repulsion, hurt, shame, but my latest emotion is anger. I am so angry with myself for believing that my love and devotion would someday bring him back to the man he use to be. I’m angry with myself that I let myself get so dependent on his financial support that I can’t find my way out of this depressing life I am living.

    My son is going to turn 18 soon and I know he is looking to fly the nest and get away from his father’s BS. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just never thought this journey would be so long. I’m not sure what my next step will be, but I sure hope it is in the right direction because this sink hole I’m living in is not where I want to be.

  66. Brenda M September 2014 at 8:24 am

    I feel upset and angry all the time lately. That is, when I’m not crying. My alcoholic fiance, boyfriend, I don’t know what he is anymore, has an angry look on his face all the time and breaks things. He looks at me with disgust and says rude, nasty things to me. I am a very attractive person and have a good attitude most of the time and I’m nice to people, but he makes me feel unlovable and like there’s something wrong with me for being angry with him for his alcohol and drug use.

    He had a drug dealer at my house the other day and invited him on the deck for a drink after I said I didn’t want him in the house. I left and when I came back they were drinking beers and meandering around the yard. I lost it.

    I have kicked him out so many times before but haven’t been able to make the break. I feel broken inside and I blame a large part of that on him. I don’t feel valued at all. And that makes me angry. I have no worth in the relationship. It’s like I don’t exist.

  67. Aster September 2014 at 1:49 pm

    I am so angry with myself for allowing my children and myself to continue to go through this. I am angry because at this point I no longer have any hope that it will get better. I do not believe him anymore when he says “this time” will be different, and yet I still cannot follow through with making him leave and stay gone.

    I’m so angry with him for all the cruel and heartless things he says when he’s drunk, and the cheating and betrayals of trust, and expecting me to just forget about it because, after all, he would “never have said or done those things sober.”

    I’m angry because I want to have the life and the relationship that we had in the beginning, before the alcohol changed him, and me. I want to still want him and be near him and be intimate with him, but I have so much anger with him, that I don’t think he deserves my kisses and my cuddles. But I want to stuff my anger for the sake of making us happy together, but then the good times are all just put on, aren’t they?

    So angry at myself for being such a doormat. Angry that I don’t trust myself anymore. I know that splitting up is best for me and for the kids, but I can’t trust myself to do it and stick with it. I think things would be easier if he just crashed his truck and died, and I’m angry at myself for feeling that way.

  68. Terri August 2014 at 7:49 pm

    I have a lot of anger with my functional alcoholic husband. He makes decisions without me, he talks in the singular mode instead of we –it is always I this and I that. I do feel alone and I hate myself for being in this situation. I continue to attend Al-Anon program and I do need to work it more and really want it to work for me. I just get so frustrated and lonely and tired of it all.

    All I can do is one day at a time.

  69. Peggy August 2014 at 8:18 pm

    Anger is sometimes lessened when we work the Steps of Al-Anon. Step One is accepting we are powerless over alcohol. We are also powerless over the alcoholic. We can’t control them–only ourselves.

  70. Erika August 2014 at 9:48 pm

    I have been married for 9 years, with an alcoholic. We have three wonderful girls. I have tried leaving him, but I can’t understand why it’s so hard to do. He is a great person when he is not drunk and he will go months without drinking, which leads me to believe that he is trying. But once he falls off the wagon, there is no stopping what’s coming. Anything will make him mad. Then the name calling–his favorite is fat ____.

    I have been hit, pushed, spit on. I am so angry that he keeps putting us thru this that once he starts calling me names I do the same. I have said horrible, hurtful things because I want him to hurt as much as I do.

    I hate myself for putting myself in this situation and for the horrible example I’m setting for my girls. I can’t explain or make anyone understand how hopeless and alone I feel. I truly feel trapped. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  71. Sarah August 2014 at 6:16 am

    Anger and frustration is all I feel–even after 16 months of my partner being sober. I’m still living with a man who tells me he loves me but doesn’t show it. He doesn’t want to kiss me, touch me or be intimate with me in any way. He doesn’t want to talk or listen or laugh or love. I feel like I’m only here to cook, clean and sort out his business.

    When I try and tell him how I feel, he dismisses me and tells me not to be stupid and wonders how I could even think that, because he gave up drinking and he continues to be sober for me–to save our relationship. I feel like we don’t have a relationship. We’re more like business partners. We don’t do anything or go anywhere together. I feel lonely and frustrated and angry and confused all of the time. I feel like I give too much of myself and get nothing in return. I feel like it’s my fault I can’t make him happy. I feel like that by asking him to show me love I’m putting pressure on him and pushing him towards drink, rather than helping him to stay sober.

    I feel like I’m no good for him at the same time as feeling like he doesn’t want me. I’m scared all the time that I’m saying or doing the wrong things and the more I try to make him happy, the more I fail and the more unhappy I feel. I don’t know if he loves me or just needs me for now, and then when I’m used up he’ll move on, and I’m angry that I find myself in this position.

    I’m living my life for someone who’s lied and cheated and abused me physically and verbally in the past–but there was good in him and I stayed because I thought things would be different if he was sober. Things are different. Now he’s just cold and aloof, which somehow is so much worse than someone being jealous, angry and possessive–at least they were emotions. I’m lost and I don’t know what to do next for him or me.

  72. Terry August 2014 at 11:01 am

    How do I approach my husband from a loving place about his alcoholism when I am so angry at him for the things he said and did when he was drunk? I am angry that he always expects me to accept his insincere apologies for the violence and hatred he spews while he is drunk.

    I am so angry that he calls me fat and ugly, that he tells me that everything I do is worthless. My inner dialogue is becoming the hate-filled words he uses during his drunken tirades. I am not fat, I am not ugly, I am very intelligent, yet his angry words have overwhelmed my own confident nature and I am angry!

    I want to yell a him for throwing things at me while he was drunk. I want to scream at him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me during his drunk behavior. I hate the power he has over me because he can make me cry on a dime with his abusive drunken behavior.

    I used to be so strong! I find myself crying because I remember everything he said to me and he remembers nothing. He has the advantage of not remembering what he has said and therefore feels innocent and tells me I am lying or exaggerating about his abhorrent behavior!

    I am so angry that I cannot get on with my day, much less my life! What can I do to stop being so angry!

  73. Done August 2014 at 10:25 am

    I am going to attend my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. I am afraid and ashamed, but yet hopeful at the same time. All of the above I live with on a daily basis. Drinking, lying, quacking–all of it. I too am angry. Enraged would be closer to the truth.

  74. Evelyn August 2014 at 9:27 pm

    I have protected him, defended him, scolded him, threatened to leave, promised to stay, watched as he put everything before his family. Watched him drink until he passes out a minimum of three nights awake. I’ve listened to promises of change, and then have seen a beer in his hand two days later because of a ‘stressful day’. I’ve listened to excuse after excuse…. ‘It’s his birthday’, ‘I’m stressed’, ‘it’s a holiday’. I picked him up from the bar when I was pregnant, on bedrest. I also stayed home alone while he spent an average of four nights a week in the bar during my pregnancy.

    I praised God when things seemed to get better after the birth of our daughter. And have recently watched as he fell back into his old routine. We are Cajun, and alcohol is part of the culture here. It is all around us. I have waited in fear, unsure of which personality I will meet each time it happens (angry, happy, pensive, etc).

    I have blamed myself. I have never told anyone these things. I have never let myself believe that I married an alcoholic. I did speak to a counselor and a priest. Both said he was borderline, but not quite there yet. What is the difference? It’s been two years of this. He gets angry and defends his decision to drink when I confront him. He promises he won’t drink, but continues to do so. He promised again today.

    I am angry that he has robbed me of my marriage. I am angry that he has drowned my best friend. I am angry that our eight-month-old daughter has seen him that way. I am angry that he has said and done things under the influence of alcohol that have scarred our marriage. I am angry that I have not one person to turn to about this. I am angry because I feel trapped in this marriage, financially, without relief.

    I am so angry all of the time. I used to not be this way. I was happy and nice and good. But I am angry with God. And I am angry with my husband. And I am not sure if I can stay in this marriage.

  75. Kristy July 2014 at 6:22 am

    I am angry. Angry at myself for staying so long. Angry about every time I believe his quacking. Angry that I let my good credit score get to the gutter. Angry I feel like a married single mother. Angry that my husband cannot or will not change. Angry that the one person I’m suppose to count on I cannot. Angry when I want 5 mins to myself to take a shower he drinks. Angry that I feel like I’m the only one trying to save the broken marriage. Angry that I don’t know how to deal with my anger, yet try to stuff it inside and then blow up. Angry that my kids have to deal with alcoholism. Angry that my husband sees me as the “enemy” to protect his drinking. Btw I do go to Al-Anon and anger is one of my foremost issues I’m working on.

  76. Wicki July 2014 at 5:51 pm

    I feel such anger with my functional, workaholic alcoholic husband.
    I am angry he makes decisions without me. Is not intimate with me.
    Puts work, friends, clients etc. before us–unless it benefits him, EX our business, chores, meals, etc. but expects me to stop in the middle of whatever I am doing to help him.

    I feel alone & think friends & associates think I’m the issue because he seems so functional–unemotional, on schedule, in attendance, etc.

  77. Cecelia July 2014 at 10:45 pm

    I have been married to my husband for 26 years. He has been an alcoholic for 26 years. He just recently stopped drinking because he had a seizure. His sodium and potassium had bottomed out and his enzymes were extremely high. He has now been sober 54 days and going to AA meetings now four days a week.

    Our middle child, 22, got pregnant and is living with us. That in itself has caused problems as our daughter is in and out, never on a schedule with her baby. Our oldest daughter is married with two children that she had before she was married. And we also have a 13-year-old son.

    So now my husband is sober, I feel left out worse now than ever. A good example was today we went to eat lunch and then to academy. He never wants to pamper me or do something nice. He never asks how my day went or how I’m feeling. I always ask him. He went to AA tonight . He said I’ll be back and we will watch a movie together. Well, he left at 4:00 and returned home at 9:30. He said he was talking to a guy that was on the same Step as him. I was hurt.

    I am at my wits end because he was very selfish when he drank and that has not changed. He makes me feel like I am the outsider. My girls take advantage of me and I have decided to stop letting them take advantage of me. The Al-Anon meetings are 30 minutes away from where I live and are only three days a week. I have not started going because of my son’s schedule. I was going to go tonight at 8:00, but we were going to watch a movie together.

    When I got upset when he was gone for 5 1/2 hours to AA, he brought it up about he has asked me to go to Al-Anon meetings and I haven’t. I feel so alone. Let’s don’t even get into the sex part of it. That makes me feel even lower. I need help.

  78. Dave July 2014 at 9:52 am

    Just finished reading the first several posts. So much pain. Alcoholism is a horrible disease.

    Less than 10% of alcoholics experience long term sobriety. Those who are close to an alcoholic will get sicker and sicker along with the alcoholic, unless they find recovery themselves.
    We can concentrate on the past, brood over the way it ‘should’ have been, wait for the alcoholic to do and say things that they are simply not capable of. If we choose this path, we will get angrier and sicker. I know because I chose this path for years. There is, however, another path, the path of recovery. Recover what? Recover yourself the way you were meant to be!

    Go to lots of Al-Anon meetings, get a sponsor, work the Steps, incorporate the Al-Anon principles into our way of life.

    Acceptance is the answer to all my problems. When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation–some fact of my life–unacceptable to me, and I can have no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as in me and in my attitude.

    Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohoL–that our lives had become unmanageable.

  79. lucy July 2014 at 7:45 pm

    I don’t know what to do anymore. I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have a 4-year-old daughter. He is a drinker. Almost every day and every other week he gets drunk and we get into arguments and he throws stuff around. He becomes an angry drunk. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know how to help. I’m so angry and sad and mad and my daughter sees how he acts when he gets drunk. I don’t want this to be forever. I don’t know what to do.

  80. jan July 2014 at 9:18 am

    I just wanted to say that I was married to an alcoholic for 19 years, but much was hidden from me and apparently I was lied to a lot. When I met my ex-husband, I knew he drank but so did I, but only socially and occasionally. I did mention to him that I felt he drank too much and too often and even told him before we got married that if he had a problem with alcohol he needed to be honest with me because that is not the kind of life I wanted.

    Well, either he was in denial as to what an alcoholic is or I heard what I wanted to hear. Maybe a little of both. Over the years he apparently did a lot of drinking behind my back because we did not keep a stash of alcohol in the house. He did bring beer home and he drank beer at home. I could never tell if he was drunk, though, or if he had been drinking–unless I could smell it on his breath.

    His tolerance for alcohol must have been really high and he must have gotten really good at lying and hiding things. The years passed and I would notice him bringing home hard liquor, like vodka, etc. I told him that he had to get help and that if he did not he was going to die some day from cirrhosis of the liver. He said, “I can quit anytime I want.”

    He was absent from my life a lot because he worked and then he slept a lot when he wasn’t working. We had a son and he spent little time with him, but loved him and did the best he could. In 2009, I told him I could not take it anymore and filed for divorce. He was angry beyond belief.

    We divorced in 2010 and he took a downward spiral instead of trying to start a new life, and sadly he passed away on 6-28-14 from cirrhosis of the liver–a terrible death. My son is only 13 and has lost his dad.

    Talk about anger? I am so angry at my ex-husband for not getting help and for his selfish addiction issues. I have a wonderful new husband now, but I am so sad about my ex-husband’s passing. I never wanted it to end that way.

  81. Heather June 2014 at 3:18 pm

    My mother is an alcoholic and has been drunk every night of her life going back as far as I can remember; my biological father was an alcoholic as well.

    My mother ended up leaving me as a baby with my bio father. I do not remember it. She did this to pursue a relationship with a married man that was 31 years her senior. When he left his wife (of 20+ years) to create a life with her, they got custody of me.

    This man ended up adopting me and my biological father relinquished all custody.

    Here’s a snapshot of my mom’s treatment of me: resentful that I “ruined” her body, called me names while growing up, always back-handing (slapping) me for anything you can think of and in anger, condescending and really just frightening all around. Adopted dad was rarely physical but the one time I brought up my mother being an alcoholic, he ranted at me that I was a “whore” (yes really) because my hair was poofy (it was the 80s). I was 12 and not sexually active. He was punitive with his speech – in other words, verbally/emotionally abusive. He had four children before me; the oldest committed suicide, the second oldest is a drug addict and the other two are bitterly career successful but also still hate him. Yes “hate” – none of the other children had love for him.

    My mother and father both had multiple affairs – for my mom, it would be with the husbands of her friends and my dad would have affairs with patients (he was a doctor). My mom had friends around who did various drugs; when I was little I would cut straws to different lengths because my version of playing house included “cigarettes” and “snorting straws” (for cocaine). To this day I do not recall where I got that knowledge from
    .
    My biological father died from drinking himself to death. My adoptive father died in 2000 after which my mother drank herself into the hospital within a year and a half and within a few years was completely bankrupt from gambling – she was left with close to half a million dollars in assets after my father died. She is now remarried and her husband (another addict) is now dying of cancer. I wish I felt sympathetic to it but I am only vaguely so, as I would not want anyone to go through that but at the same time I have to keep my emotional distance. The rest of the family thinks I’m “mean” and “harsh” and all around horrible for not running to her aid. This makes me feel horrible and guilty and hurt but I also know it is best for me to keep an emotional distance from my mother.

    I am almost 38 and have never been able to be really close to anyone. I’ve been married then divorced, in relationships, and have long time friends but I also keep myself locked away inside myself – those who have grown up with alcoholics will understand what I mean. You’re on the outside looking in. I am angry with her – when I see her all I can think of is all of the times she cursed at me, hit me, yanked me around by my hair and manipulated herself into looking like the victim. I wonder – on a daily basis – if it would be best for me to cut off all contact with my family but then I would feel guilty.

    I have no idea what to do to get rid of my anger and am now thinking it will never go away.

  82. Jessica June 2014 at 9:05 pm

    I am angry. I am so angry. I am tired of having to take care of an adult that cannot (or does not) want to take care of himself. I am tired of being blamed for him choosing to take a drink. I am tired of taking care of three children and hiding our flawed marriage from children that deserve a better life than I am providing by living with someone that prioritizes alcohol above his family. I am exhausted. I am stressed. I am just ready to be done. I am ready to be with someone that loves me and takes care of me. I am tired of taking care of an adult. I need rest. I need strength. I need courage.

  83. Christiaan June 2014 at 12:50 pm

    I’m wondering when an alcoholic ever becomes unselfish. It is all about them when they drink, it is all about them when they are in recovery. We are left behind to pick up pieces of a life that we didn’t create, and it isn’t fair. When is it our turn to become number one and matter?

    We are the ones that pick up the pieces. I don’t know how many times I have asked him if he is ok, if there is anything that I can do for him. He never asks how I am feeling, it’s just always about him. And he never talks unless I pull information out of him. I don’t know if I am wrong in feeling this way.

  84. Carolin June 2014 at 1:12 pm

    No longer a doormat. Been lied to, cheated on, used and abused for so long it has become part of daily life. We have been together for many years, all riddled with drug and alcohol abuse, domestic assault, jail time, so many jobs I can’t count them all anymore.

    We moved to a new province to get a fresh start, but while I was back home packing, he went on a wild bender, wrecked our new place, had a girl there, lost my/his job, stole my truck. Then whoever he was with stole the truck off him, disappeared for days more times then I can count. Now we have been here two years–no change, has been to rehab, managed 7 mos of sobriety, but was never happy during that time.

    Then spring comes and he just wants a beer and now it’s happening once a week again. I can’t go to work when this happens cause he will bring the party back here. Yesterday I packed all his things into an old motorhome he had parked on our property. I called a tow-truck and paid for a storage spot on the other end of town. When he finally showed up, I ransomed his keys and location for keys to the house. He wanted $$ for smokes, a shower and he is gone. I am no longer a doormat. I am not sure what to do or where to go from here, but anything is better than constant lies, cheating and abuse.

  85. niki June 2014 at 11:36 am

    He is an addict and an alcoholic. I grew up with an addict and an acoholic. His child became mine when we started because her mother is an addict-alcoholic. My whole family as adults and even the teens now are either addicts or alcoholics.

    He went to treatment two months ago. He’s been out for almost a month and a half. I’m still angry. I hide it well. Al-Anon helps some, but I’m mad. By God he’s a hero, ya know. He spent all the bill money, smashed my windows out of my car, lost his job that we depended on for insurance and retirement. Excuse me for saying I’m mad as hell. Then last night he has the nerve to ask me if I am an alcoholic, as I have been nearly completely sober as he went through rehab, and now since he’s been out, while he’s going through AA.

    I have not drank in the house or nowhere near him. I got drunk 3 states away on vacation last time I checked. I worked and paid the bills while he spent everything we had on drugs. I’m an adult. Am I not allowed to drink if I feel like it, 3 states away, clear away from him? Anger isn’t the word. I’m enraged. I’m sick of everyone being proud of him and judging me and my actions.

  86. Dar May 2014 at 3:17 pm

    I have just read all that has been written, and tears flowed down my face as I can relate to 90% of what has been written here! I feel so alone. I watch my neighbors walking hand in hand, looking so happy when I feel so miserable!

    I gave up my career to marry who I thought was my perfect guy. I’m in my mid 50’s and have two adult children. I married my high school sweetheart 10 years after high school. For the first 10 years of our marriage, it was the fairy tale I imagined it would be. Everything was perfect. But then my husband was fired for being drunk at work, so began our life of constant moving because he can’t get along with anyone, or gets fired from his job or leaves because he knows he is about to be fired!

    My husband went into rehab for the first time about 11 years ago in CA. He was there for two weeks and checked himself in and right back out. Then we left CA for another state, I believe because he knew he was about to be fired. We sold our home in CA and had a nice nest egg for our new state and future. We bought a lovely home and had tons of money in the bank. Life seemed perfect, but not within a year of being in our new state he started drinking again, completely depleted all of our savings, took off a week to go visit his ex, and when he had no money left for his drinking and drugs, went into rehab.

    I hold so much anger and resentment for what he has done to our family!

    He was sober almost exactly 7 years when he started drinking yet again. Now we are on the verge of losing everything as he has maxed-out our credit cards, been fired from his job. He started calling the ex again, and now he is now back in to rehab. His mother blames me for all his problems, even though both her sons are alcoholics, the other son even went to prison.

    How can I ever feel trust towards him again. That is my real issue with him now! Do I stay or do I go.

    Part of me loves him and part of me hates him for what he has done to our kids and myself. Had I known 27 years ago what I know now, I would never have married him! I haven’t worked in years so have no experience–so feel trapped, lonely, and sad.

  87. Alice April 2014 at 6:07 pm

    One of the worst things about being married to an alcoholic is the isolation, so knowing you’re not alone from a website like this is such a support.

    I’ve been married to an alcoholic for nearly 12 years. He is also a diabetic, so his behaviour has at times been impossible to cope with and emotionally abusive. It’s impossible not to be damaged by all that, and on top of it all I’ve been unable to have a family because of my husband’s behaviour and the combination of alcohol and diabetes and a generally unhealthy lifestyle making it medically very difficult.

    I’m now isolated from friends because of my situation and do not have family support because my father has died and my mother has dementia. My sister is totally unsupportive and unkind to me.

    I’m spending a lot of time away from my husband at the moment and making it clear that I’m doing that because I don’t want to watch him drinking and ruining himself. I don’t know if it will make any difference but it’s worth a try, then I have to work through this somehow and give myself a life.

  88. Renee November 2013 at 2:32 pm

    I have been married for 11 years. My husband has been an alcoholic the whole time. He would be unreachable for hours, drinking at work, lying and hiding. Driving drunk, and emotionally unavailable. I kept staying because there was also a lot of good in him. I had hopes he would see the light and change.

    Things that happened in those early years that really stand out for me were:
    –Him picking up our son from daycare a few times smelling of booze (the day home provider phoned me about it).
    –Picking me up pregnant from work with our son in the car. He was drunk and almost drove into a bus. I made him get out and I drove away.
    –Our son was little and sick, I took the first day off work, and he took the second. I was worried when I couldn’t get a hold of him so I came home. To him watching porn and drunk. Our son was upstairs sleeping.

    When our second child was a few months old and our first 2 years, he got caught being intoxicated at work and was fired. He then went into treatment. He made a great many promises of working on himself, working on his issues with intimacy, and communication. He quit drinking for a year. When he started again, he had control. He would have a couple and that was it. Slowly but surely it got to be more and more.

    Fast forward, so we now have four kids 9, 7 and 2-year-old twins. As I’m typing, I am hearing what people are going to think reading this. What is wrong with her? Why did she keep having more kids? Why is she staying? Good questions!! I always believed the “it’s the last time, not going to happen again”! Now I’m in so deep with four kids I can’t leave.

    I am a mother whose life revolves around her kids. When I think of leaving, I think the kids would be heartbroken, they would miss him if they didn’t have him around all the time. He is a good dad, just a selfish one that puts drinking first.

    Our one son has epilepsy that takes a lot of my energy trying to figure out what is going on with him. The twins take a ton of energy. And our daughter, well she doesn’t take as much, but still has needs. I feel I take on the family’s needs, health, and everything in between, and have nothing left for myself. I am angry that he puts more on my shoulders. Why can’t he just stop?

    I am a stay-at-home mom, I don’t get needed breaks away from home like I should. I am constantly parenting on empty. He says I shouldn’t wait until I “need” the break. But he can’t be trusted alone with the kids. He has gotten drunk, passed out, and the babies are up running around. Not just once but many! I can’t in good faith leave him alone. He gets defensive and says, “Nothing happened.” Yeah, maybe not. But what if it did, and it could have! He says I should get a babysitter. Well, no one wants to take on all four kids very often! The twins are a handful.

    When we discuss it, I usually end up yelling because he gets defensive, and mocks me, or says, “Yup, you’re right. You are always right. You do nothing wrong. This is all my fault. All of our problems are because of me,” etc.

    I feel if the trust wasn’t blown, or he earned it back, stopped drinking, and I got some emotional support with our kids, breaks, and help with our son’s treatments, I would not have all this built-up resentment and anger!

    Did I also mention that sex during our whole relationship has been an issue? The fact he is too tired, or just doesn’t make the effort. I stopped trying and it’s been 9 months since we had sex.

    Again, why don’t I leave? I feel I’m stuck.

  89. JJ November 2013 at 7:36 pm

    After 10 years and a final DUI that gave us a great last year, I realized what life could be without him drunk 5 nights a week. But then the courts backed off, he decided he really liked to drink “a beer”. It all went down from there. I texted the break-up in June when I was out of town. What a dear sweet man who chose to give up his home, his yard, his lifestyle and a woman who loved and respected him because of his beer/urges at the age of 61.

    It’s been 6 months and I have sent my last text to him. I had so much anger after I realized that no matter what I did to respect and support him that in truth he was a “bum”–he lied, he cheated, and he drank. All the “incidents” of his life that he passed over turned out to be red flags that I had chosen to ignore or didn’t understand with a lack of communication. Because of the alcoholism, he would blow up his life every 5-10 years, 3 marriages, 2 children, another child he has never seen, 3 DUI, several “crazy” girlfriends who burned his clothes, keyed his car, had boyfriends attack, etc. It’s taken 6 months and a weekly text to him to clear my brain and to stop feeling like such a fool.

    The texts were a form of educating myself to the harsh reality. Of course, he never responded.

    A known philanderer, a known prevaricator and a known alcoholic. I sure pick ’em!

  90. norma October 2013 at 9:39 am

    I am happy my husband of 25 yrs is finally in alcohol detox and then on to a 30-day treatment program. My anger and hurt have just intensified. The drunk can get sober, but what about the character flaws which have always been there since the day we met. I love him for his beautiful side, but he has repeatedly hurt me and my now 23-year-old son.

    He is now getting “help,” but he is a liar, and if he doesn’t work on the real character issues, what then. Is alcohol to blame? Or was he just this way. The details are not important–only that how can someone change a negative behavior 1. in 30 days and 2. if they boast about themselves and not tell the truth about the flaws that are really making life so unhappy for their family.

  91. It could be U October 2013 at 5:11 am

    I am married to an alcoholic–I have just woken up to it.

    I quit drinking when I was around 25, after almost having a terrible car accident when I was drunk. My wife and I met 13 years ago and she fell pregnant and gave up drinking.

    So she can do it. But over the years she has started and at times it becomes a real issue. She drinks daily but sometimes small amounts and is content, but she gets to a particular sip level so to speak and bam she forgets how much she has consumed and it goes downhill from there. She has disowned her family because of her opinion of some of them (very disjointed family) and not sure that she really wants that to be the case.

    So, I figure there are some internal demons going on and it has started to spill in her dealings with my brother and nieces and nephews. We all have faults, but she seems to find the worst aspect of them and doesn’t let go. The hard part is the anger being directed at me, often for little or no reason. I am now getting depressed because of it and feel helpless to act.

    She knows she has a drinking problem, but talk to her about it and she gets angry or doesn’t really want to discusss it. Our children even see it now.

    Tonight was a great example, I am travelling and have had many good conversations all day with her. Around the kids’ bedtime I said okay I will call to talk to them, as I wanted to go out for something to eat. Hearing them discussing food made me realize I had not eaten since breakfast some 10 hrs ago. It led to some “to do” with the kids and my wife and resulted in one slamming the door when she went in to see her.

    So I am to blame for thinking about my stomach, rather than thinking about what they were doing (watching a TV show) and I apologized. But for crying out loud, she says she is totally angry at me and doesn’t know whether to tell me off or not say anything. I really don’t understand how we went from loving conversation during the day to so much anger over something as silly as that. I can only think that it is alcohol.

    And that is what normally happens a few times a month, particularly around “that time” I have noticed, and I did ask her to be more aware that she should decrease her input at that time for her sake and ours.

    I am just at a loss, depressed and tired of it. Tired of the abuse and the smiling, happy nothing happened the night before.

  92. shem August 2013 at 12:04 pm

    I too am angry! I am angry that I have once again taken part in the alcoholic dance with my husband. I have been feeling quite serene of late and have not allowed him to upset me, but the pattern has yet again repeated itself today. Every Sunday without fail we have to go through this alcoholic dance whereby he has an excuse to walk out the door like he is Jack the Lad and do exactly what he wants, and then when he comes back he wants to know where I am.

    I am very lonely and am going to go out for a drive in the car to clear my head. I feel like really having a major row with him, but I know if I do it will be me that becomes stressed and upset and he will just carry on drinking.

    Living with an alcoholic is just a roller coaster ride all the way, and I know it will not let up unless he hits rock bottom. I am not ready to leave him, but if I were looking in at myself I would be asking the question, would you put up with this!

  93. Anonymous July 2013 at 10:54 am

    I am finally accepting that my partner is an alcoholic.

    I always knew that she was way more of a “party girl” than I–but most of the time, at first, she kept herself at a limit. Over time the alcohol-induced rants would start–ALWAYS catching me off guard. You know, the ones where I innocently make a comment about something, like a television show that I like. The next thing I know she is angrily raging about how stupid I am for liking that show and then it goes into verbally tearing apart everything that I enjoy–my family members, friends, my involvement in my church, my job, you name it. Nothing is sacred when she’s in that alcohol-induced phase. Then, the next morning, she wakes up and acts like nothing happened–“Good Morning, I made coffee for you, hope your day goes well, let’s go out for dinner at that place you like tonight. See you back here about 6:00.” This leaves me standing there wondering who the heck she really is and am I the one who’s losing it?

    Anyway, 7 yrs into the relationship and these anger episodes (no, really they’re rage episodes) are increasing in frequency. She is drinking more and more, calling me from bars where she is drinking with strangers, promising to come home “early” from a party and stumbling in the door around 2 am (ha, I guess that was “early” in her mind!), etc, etc.

    I’m tired of it. I’m going to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night. I’m looking for a couples’ counselor. I am going to try to reach her one last time with professional help. I have told her that alcohol and anger are ruining our relationship–She says she must be having a problem (which means with me and it being my fault), otherwise she wouldn’t behave this way. Other than my best friend, who is the only one privy to my challenges, no one else would ever believe their happy, funny, witty, partying friend is the same verbally abusive drunk that I get when she comes home. If she refuses to acknowledge her problem and do something about it, then she won’t be coming home to me for long. I won’t be here.

  94. kell June 2013 at 12:22 am

    I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. My husband of 25 years is pissed about it because he says that he can’t believe I would do such a thing. I knew he was a big party-er, starting in middle school (yes, middle school). His mother and her 11 siblings all have serious problems with alcohol.

    My husband was in jail for 10 months when we were first married–for homicide by vehicle (alcohol-related). 10 years later he totaled his motorcycle (alcohol-related). He stopped drinking for a while after the first accident. Now he blames his drinking and driving on me, says that he is tired of the tears, and wants to know why he has to walk on eggshells. He has decided to just do what he wants now and doesn’t understand what I expect from him. I thought that was pretty easy to understand.

    I am the only one who tells him how his drinking is affecting the people who love him. I am angry, frustrated, scared and sad. I hope the meeting tomorrow helps, but just wonder what the emotional punishment will be when I get home.

  95. Susy April 2013 at 10:33 am

    I am 50 yrs old, just moved in with my wonderful fiance, 61. He is a probation officer and attends AA, not because he is an alcoholic, but he goes as a support for his alcoholic friend and now, more importantly, he goes in the hopes that his 29-yr-old daughter will quit drinking. She is the one I’m concerned about. She has a great job with great pay, lives alone, but can’t make her bills and has asked us about the prospect of moving back home.

    Two issues–one is her spending habits, but the other one is her drinking. It has been going on for a decade, and her mother enables her by drinking wine with her. She blames her dad, my fiance, for all the problems in her life. The only thing I think he is doing wrong is not confronting her directly about her drinking, and insults, and blaming him. Instead he ignores her behavior and keeps telling her he loves her and begs her to come and see us. He is afraid of a confrontation with her, that he’ll lose her completely. Whenever he tries even a little suggestion, she won’t call for weeks.

    We met at a restaurant last week to discuss her moving in to help her pay off her debt and save money. The first thing she did was taunt him and order a drink. She said, “I can order a drink because there’s only one alcoholic at the table.” She ordered a martini at 1:00 pm on a Sunday, and proceeded to tease her father for his choice to quit drinking. He tried to tell her a story about his 20’s when he’d had a few blackouts, but she wouldn’t hear any of it. She got up and left us at the table before the food came.

    It was very telling, in that she obviously can’t live with us unless she addresses her alcholism. I wrote her a letter in the most sensitive way I could to convey this, but in the end I was advised that this has to come from her dad, that I would be the bad stepmom, that she would never forgive me. So I didn’t send it. She sent him a text apologizing for being a “poop,” using that cute little baby-talk to win her dad over again. It worked, the cycle continues.

    Last night I Googled Al-Anon. I’m getting the sense that it is to help people understand and manage living with an alcoholic, but I’m not ready to sit back and let her destroy herself. I feel as though not enough has been done to shake her up and get her into rehab. On the other hand, I really don’t know if it would work as she is definitely in the grips of alcoholism.

    I don’t know how to help this girl. I wish she could accept that she is an alcholic and get some help.

  96. Veronica March 2013 at 4:53 pm

    I am angry and I don’t manage it well. I have a lot of anger built up after two plus years of marriage to an alocholic. It got so bad at Christmas I told him to get help or get out. He left and came back three weeks later after agreeing to go to AA.

    That didn’t last long because he doesn’t like what he feels is the religious aspect to it (he is an atheist). However, he has stopped drinking for the most part, but has had a couple of slips since early January. He does see a counselor once every week or two and that is helping dig up issues from his past (abusive/neglected childhood and PTSD from military). The fact that he is in therapy and isn’t drinking much means I should be happy, and everything should be great, right? But what I have found is that I feel like a piece of furniture, now.

    He stays by himself a lot, he isn’t warm or affectionate like he used to be, we haven’t had sex in weeks and weeks. I feel unattractive, unloved, unwanted. I feel punished. And I am angry. I put up with his illness and lack of consideration due to that illness, the fights, the embarrassment at his behavior while intoxicated in front of work colleagues and family. Now while logically/cognitively I know he has a great deal to work through, and that this will take time, I feel like he barely has any regard for me other than perhaps to resent me.

    I made him do this so I don’t deserve to be happy–is that it? Is he regretting marrying me altogether–was all of that just part of an alcoholic haze and now he wonders what he ever saw in me? I feel so alone and no one, really no one, in my family or my friends can really understand what I’m feeling because on the surface the big thing seemed to be to get him to stop drinking. To complain now seems selfish and I feel guilty that expressing any anger or hurt to him is counterproductive to his therapy and his efforts, which I do admit are impressive and I am proud of him for doing what he is doing.

    All we seem to do is fight–about money, about what to do now that our life doesn’t revolve around bars and going out to dinner (which really meant going out drinking and if I was lucky I would get to order something to eat.) But either way, I lose here.

  97. MC November 2012 at 1:09 am

    I’m so mad I can barely stand it.

    My mother, step-father, and father were all alcoholics. They never went through recovery and I can still recall incident after incident of drunken arguments and times I was never picked up from somewhere.

    My father died in ’99 (bladder cancer) and my mother in ’10 from her years of unhealthy smoking and drinking.

    My sister has always seemed to have some addiction issues, but mostly with food. She was morbidly obese and got gastric by-pass surgery years ago. She lost the weight initially, but couldn’t correct her eating issues and gained the weight back.

    About 3 years ago she was diagnosed with Non-Alcoholic Cirrhosis of the liver (due to her high-fat diet and the by-pass surgery). At that time my brother-in-law confesses to me that she has started drinking vodka and hiding the bottles. I was shocked as our childhood was rocky at best and she was never a big drinker. This was after her diagnosis as well. I asked him about it again weeks later and he kinda dismissed it.

    They did not expect her to live to see the beginning of the year, but by some miracle (the doctor’s words) she improved. She has very scattered thinking due to the liver and couldn’t work due to physical limitations (teaching was her life.) Her husband basically took over the running of the house.

    He died unexpectedly 3 months ago and i found vodka bottles hidden around the house. When confronted, she first denied it but then admitted she was having such a hard time with her husband dying, it was helping her sleep. She was drinking almost a bottle of vodka a day and combined with her pain meds, I explained how I was so worried her teen kids would find her dead or she’d drink and drive and kill someone. I explained how she had to know that she was killing herself because she is in liver failure. Her doctor even confronted her about some test results, asking if she was a closet drinker and she denied it. She said she would get some help.

    Since her husband’s death, I can see how she seems to have some severe mental issues, based upon what I’ve witnessed.

    I am her only relative and suspected she was still drinking. She sees me as her only family and even though she is hard to get along with, she won’t cut me off. She is very difficult to talk to or deal with, she cries about her husband and how hard her life is and I feel like a terrible person. My husband recently had a close call with death and she seemed to care more about her agenda than how my husband was. This caused my anger to boil over at her self-destructive ways and self-absorption. She put me on her bank account when her husband died and I went online on a hunch and got concrete proof she is buying an excessive amount of alcohol.

    I’m furious because for the past 10 years we have drifted apart. We are so different and if we weren’t related, we wouldn’t even be friends. I had really tried stepping back from the relationship and then she got sick. I tried again when she got better and her husband died.

    I completely feel like I’m repeating the same situation I had with my mother and I’m infuriated. I’m mad that she has two great kids who got the short end of the stick and she thinks THEY are the problem. I can’t abandon them. I’m beside myself that she is my kids’ only aunt and her drinking makes me want to kick her out of my life!

    I feel like her problems are something I’m responsible for, but yet know i can’t do anything. I have seen comments about hitting rock bottom, but she feels like a victim of her health and situation and blames depression. She feels she has hit rock bottom and uses drinking to help. I don’t see how she will ever see drinking is a big part of the problem.

  98. db November 2012 at 11:48 am

    I keep wishing I could go back three years. I had been with my boyfriend 17 years when I noticed in mid 2011 that he was drinking more than usual. This is someone who rarely drank, but who has been a lifelong depressive, and I asked him to curtail his drinking–which led to him hiding his drinking and to his two DUI arrests in late 2011, early 2012.

    He stopped drinking with the second arrest, but deep down I know that the damage has been irrevocably done to my respect and perception of him. As pathetic as it sounds, I am still with him because both his and my family would be angered with me if I left him–I’d be “abandoning” him, even though I believe that he chose by his actions to abandon our relationship.

    I want to be his friend and I want him to stay sober, but I no longer love him and I’m devastated by that loss in my life. I’m going through the motions for now.

    I could have forgiven him for the first one, but the second DUI was a complete betrayal in my eyes. The situation was further complicated by the behavior of both his parents and my own mother–they have always perceived me to be the more dominant partner. Suddenly they all expected me to forgive him for his deceit and go on as though nothing significant altered our relationship. None of them ever asked me how I was handling it or if I needed support.

    To add to this, he suffered a seizure at work (it was never determined why he had one, alcohol nor drugs played a role). He was in the hospital and specifically asked his parents not to notify me that he had a seizure (we don’t live together and I had not been contacting him daily, in order to give both of us space). They went along with his request and have never explained their reasoning, nor have apologized for their decision.

    I feel betrayed by his parents as well and have had no contact with them since I discovered they had hid his seizure from me. I feel completely isolated from discussing this with anyone in my family (they’re supportive of my boyfriend in a manner that they seem to withhold from me) and I suffered a mental collapse earlier this year.

    I’ve been trying to support myself, socializing more with my friends and by making plans to relocate out of the area. I do feel that putting physical and psychological distance between my boyfriend and both of our families will help me in the process of moving on.

  99. Zoey November 2012 at 1:09 am

    Last night was our third wedding anniversary.

    He apparently had–from what I can tell–drunk everything (lots of beers that I found this morning, wine, and I found a two-liter bottle of vodka this morning, but he says he didn’t have any of that) he could drink. He didn’t start big time until after most people left (8 p.m. or so), but around midnight I was awakened with loud music blaring from his truck in the carport. Our bedroom is next to the carport so it was very loud for me. He blared this music for over an hour and a half, in between revving the engine really loud, extended honking on the horn, and rageful screaming at the top of his lungs.

    This insane noise lasted until almost two a.m. Over an hour and a half. I kept thinking someone would call the cops, and wasn’t sure to be relieved or disappointed that no one came. We can’t afford for him to be in trouble. I was also wondering whether he wanted the confrontation, whether he wanted to be busted.

    In the three years we’ve been married, he has been out of work for two of them, and the drinking has been bad.

    I did get him to go see a doctor who specializes in addiction medicine two weeks ago. At the time, he said he wanted to do the right thing, and in the light of day he seemed to take that first visit with the right frame of mind.

    He was good for a week (and we went back to the East Coast to visit his parents with our baby girl), but then he went on a binge for three days (from what I can tell it was how long it took him to finish drinking a two-liter bottle of vodka) when we got back. Was good for two nights (because he ran out), and replenished last night for another binge. He’s supposed to go back to the doctor and has two visits this week, but not sure he’s committed/ready.

    As I mentioned, he’s out of work and prospects aren’t good. We have a mortgage and I can’t afford to leave. He won’t leave. I need him to really want to fix this.

  100. dee November 2012 at 11:30 pm

    My daughter is being cold and distant and disconnected and can’t or doesn’t seem to care how much she hurts me. It has been six months. I have always treated her with love and respect.

  101. Gwen October 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Where to start?

    I have been married for over 40 years. We married very young and it took some years before alcohol (his) became a problem. His family are all alcoholics. I have lived with his drinking for many years, feeling like it was my fault because he told me over and over again it was. Even though I am not very religious, I would pray for him to stop drinking so our lives could change. We had no friends–how could we? He was always drunk–How could I even have a friend come to my house? It is a lonely existence.

    About 7 years ago his brother died at 50, liver shot due alcoholism. It scared him enough to give up drinking. For 5 years or so our lives really changed. He was sober! We began to do things together, enjoyed each other’s company, he got into sports and excelled for the first time in his life.

    A year ago he started drinking again. He said it would only be once in a while and he liked to have a drink with new found friends. Well, the drinking is a daily thing. He is pretty much drunk and passed out each day. Funny thing is he was never shy telling his friends why he had quit after his brother died. But does he not see how they look at him now while he is drinking his glass of wine or beer?

    My biggest mistake is quitting my job I had for many years to work with him in a family business while he was sober. I am caught now. No job, living with an alcoholic. I am depressed, sad, angry and have decided to see my doctor regarding my unhappy depressed feelings. I cry every day. It is so hard. How will I ever live with this for the rest of my life.

    Sorry for going on. I never knew a site like this existed. Thank you for letting me express my feelings.

  102. Loulou October 2012 at 4:47 pm

    Just found this site and am so glad of it! All comments ring a bell to me!

    Have just spent half an hour typing my story only for it to be lost so I will have to revisit! I am in the process of ‘cruel to be kind’ but its hurting me so much to do it!

    I have wanted the happy ending but 8 years on & no sign of that! I am emotionally drained and doubting my every action. Tired of hearing the words ‘enabler’ and painfully enduring the feelings of guilt and sadness and the pain in his eyes when I don’t allow him to get comfy!

    It’s the only thing I haven’t tried! I am grieving my loss of best friend, gorgeous fiancee, kind caring man and the pain of watching him hurt and ruin himself!

    I owe him the chance to try to find the courage to sort himself out! All the love and care I have offered appear to have made little difference, only to my health, my emotions, my heart, my finances and the list could go on!

    I once heard ‘if nothing changes, nothing changes!’ I am hoping that it’s true!

  103. angel October 2012 at 10:24 pm

    Well, today he made it easy for me. He told me that he isn’t changing and that I’m the one with the problem.

    He’s right. I have had a serious problem. He gave me a choice to accept it or leave. I’m leaving. I cannot take this problem, anymore.

  104. Mary October 2012 at 6:46 pm

    I read these comments for the first time last night and discovered I am not alone.

    I asked my boyfriend to leave Friday night because I came home from work and once again he was drunk from visiting his party buddy down the street. He insists he was just in a good mood and I ruined the evening with my bad attitude.

    He was home all day and was supposed to have dinner well underway when I got home. By the time he was done flipping the raw chicken around the kitchen and wobbling into walls, etc. I blew and had had enough.

    Thus another yelling, name-calling, and mean fit started. He went upstairs to flop on the bed fully clothed at 6pm and I told him to go sleep it off somewhere else. He is now sitting in his 86-yr-old mother’s house right next to her, depressed and playing the pity-pot song.

    He is in shock because when he asked if he could come get some of his things, I said yes and thank you. He has to wait until his check comes in because at 51 he has no more money for gas, or anything at all.

    I deserve more and I am very angry and resentful. This has been going on for over 3 years.

  105. anita October 2012 at 8:20 pm

    I’m sick and tired of constant abuse from my daughter for no reason.

  106. PJ October 2012 at 8:12 pm

    Wow. Reading your comments helps so much. I am so angry and resentful. I am mad because I believed over and over that things would change, that he would stop drinking. But he has not.

    Now I have to stop because drinking unleashes a rage, an insanity that I regret and feel so ashamed of.

    Yet, he does not. He will not.

    Time to put an end to this.

  107. Kate October 2012 at 6:21 pm

    I have been married to an alcoholic for 10 years. Amazingly, I spent 7 of those in complete denial. I thought his passing-out/blacking-out was a result of an undiagnosed brain tumor (oh, the things you tell yourself). I am deeply in love with this man, but often can’t fathom why. He and his drinking are the center of his universe. He rarely pays any attention to me, unless he wants to be intimate (which is mission-impossible at this stage of his disease).

    I am so angry at him at times because things are not what I wanted them to be. I wanted a partner to enjoy life with and go on adventures with, to raise a family with. I mourn the loss of this and often give in to the feelings of loneliness and anger (at least I came to realize his disease before we had kids and therefore don’t have to fear for their well-being).

    For me, when I feel this way, it helps to reach for the wisdom in the First Step–Admit that I am powerless over alcohol and what he does or chooses. I don’t hate the man, I hate the disease. I can still choose to still live my life to the fullest. When he is not paying attention to me, I go do something I want to do or call a friend. When he promises to go to the beach with me and then is too drunk to go, I go anyway. Yes, I sometimes feel like a loser, but it is better than throwing a pity-party at home and ultimately lashing out.

    As an Al-Anon-ic, I need to remember to focus on nurturing me and not waiting for him to fill up my cup to be happy. When I do this, I don’t get angry as easily and the resentment towards my husband and what his disease has denied me takes a back seat.

    I thank my Higher Power daily for giving me the strength to reach out to Al-Anon. “Thank you” to all my fellow Al-Anon-ics for being “here.” I don’t feel alone, knowing you are going through the same.

  108. Ronni September 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Im not angry anymore. What I don’t understand is why is it so hard to leave. To me it is not love anymore. It is probably that the more I read about the disease of alcoholism, the more I want to help the person. I know he is sick. I think he is on the third stage of alcoholism, where they dont care about eating. But even after they call us names and hurt us, we still want to stick around.

  109. Del September 2012 at 9:49 pm

    I am feeling really angry and resentful at my son right now. He’s been using marijuina since he was sixteen, and is now 24. He has all the behaviour of an addict (stealing, manipulating etc.) Just last week my bf came to visit me(the only bf that lasted more than two years with me) and my son got into a struggle with him, called him down and they punched a hole in my wall.

    I feel so depressed, so alone. I feel crazy. We have the cops here at least once or twice a month. I am unemployed and I have RA, he refuses to get a job. He’s been to treatment once already.

    Everyone I speak to, says throw him out. But I am afraid he will be introduced to harder drugs and the wolves (dealers) are just waiting for him. He is open to group therapy, medication and assements. But he will not and says to my face, will never give up this drug that is ruining his life.

    I am a victim of his abuse, but I feel helpless and not sure what to do. And even when I throw him out, he always finds his way back in my life. God. I hate this LIFE~!!!! I just want out, and I feel so responsibile for the results of where he will end up. Someone told me one time “that I will kill him” by trying to force him to get help. It will only push him even further into his addiction. But what do you do??? Just allow them to manipulate you, and abuse you, and steal from you. Just let go and let God and not ruffle the feathers???

    I have called the crisis line, I plan to go to Al-Anon on Monday–but I feel it’s only a way of preventing me from getting angry and learning how to accept my situation so he can continue on doing what he is doing.

    I feel helpless, and so drained.

    Thanks for listening and allowing me to express myself. I so deperately want this to end, and I want to “enjoy” life. But it’s hard to do it, when you live with an addict~!

  110. angel September 2012 at 10:08 pm

    wow.

    i’m angry. i’m always angry. what i’m reading in this blog is exactly how i feel. i’m mad at myself for not being honest with him and with me. i’m angry that i feel helplessly unable to communicate with him even when he’s not drunk. i’m afraid of “ruining the mood” when we’re having a good time.

    i’m not just angry–i’m resentful. we are always bickering and everything is always my fault. he’s drunk every day and blames me because “there is nothing better to do”. worse, he blows up if i don’t do as he says and then is angry with me because i fire back. then, he’ll teach me a lesson by not talking to me for days. =(

    it’s not uncommon that he offers me something and takes it back. for example, he will offer me a ride and if i accept, then say: why don’t you take the bus, instead? today, he offered to work from home because i was expecting a package. this was a really nice offer and i accepted–working from home is frowned upon, for me. i jumped in the shower and when i came out, he was getting dressed to go to work. his reason: well it’s your package so you should wait for it yourself.

    i was angry–but i didn’t say a word until he asked: why are you angry? i was stupid enough to respond that what he did was inconsiderate. that was a good enough reason for him to yell and for me, too. he will not talk about what happened except to say that i screwed up and ruined another day for him.

    these are the kinds of things we fight about. i don’t agree with him and he lets me have it. i have a difference of opinion and he thinks i’m opposing him simply to be “difficult”. if i try to defend my stance, i’m accused of being dramatic and hysterical–always wanting to be right. and worse…i have anger issues. he will rub in my face that i never make time for him. one day a week i spend a few hours a day with my mother and sister. ONE DAY!! on that one day, i also run errands and get groceries for us. he will accuse me of “abandoning” him and sulk–be drunk by the time get home. then he’ll be all over me. nobody wants that. i do react coldly. i don’t want him all over me when he’s drunk.

    according to him, i am the reason he is so unhappy. today, i fell into a trap. all he was saying was that his unhappiness is all my fault. he’s been unhappy with me for years…since the very beginning. he accused me of many things–including not wanting to do anything with him. he’s always drunk! i come home and he’s drunk or drunk and passed out! i don’t want to be there. so i told him. i said it. what a mistake.

    i apologize even when i know he’s wrong–just to keep the peace. i’m angry, all right. i don’t know why i’m so afraid to leave. i hate being here. i guess i’m hoping it will get better. today is day one of another silent treatment…

  111. andrea August 2012 at 4:29 pm

    I have been married to an alcoholic for 35 years. He is never abusive and everyone considers him the life of the party. I got married at 18 and never really saw him without a beer, but he went to work and was always good with the kids. It never was an issue. I would just put him to bed and the next morning he was fine.

    One day he came home from work and said they were now having random blood tests for alcohol and he wasn’t going to lose the job, so he would stop. I was thrilled. It was 15 years into the marriage and he just stopped. 15 yrs he was sober. My 2 daughters got to know him better. Things were great.

    5 yrs ago he was told he had 5 yrs to live (lung problems, terminal). We took the kids on a cruise and the drinking started (a little at first). Very soon it was every day, all day. I made excuses (he’s sick, depressed, etc). We have taken 4 more cruises together and he got worse. Dr. said drinking is not helping. After I had to call an ambulance I was told at the hospital he was drunk. I was also told that I should be more careful, because he had what they call a Whitney Huston Cocktail in his system.

    He promised to quit drinking again and I stayed with him in bed thru the shakes and sickness for 1 week. I took care of all the crap and throw-up. He stopped for 2 months.

    The doctors told him he looked great and the weight loss was helping (lost 25 lbs). Now he is back to drinking. I cry. I argue. I just can’t do this again. I can’t leave him, now his lungs are at 40%. He is on oxygen. What kind of woman leaves a man when he needs her now more than ever, but the anger won’t stop.

  112. sjs July 2012 at 7:04 am

    I am new on this site. In fact, I have never really reached out this way before! My husband is not an alcoholic, but he does smoke weed. He does not do to it often, but when he does he does not think about what he is doing and usually leaves me with the responsibility of dealing with the aftermath (driving his friends home, taking care of the kids, etc). He thinks I need to lighten up, but I think this is serious and I am very angry. I don’t know what to do.

  113. Beth July 2012 at 11:46 am

    After 15 years of abusing pain medication, my husband has finally gone to therapy. The last 15 years of my life have been hell. Yes, I realize, after much reading, I am co-dependent, an enabler, what-have-you. I have to deal with this.

    But what bothers me the most is the resentment and anger I feel towards my spouse for 15 years of lies and deceit, and now a group of strangers deserve his honesty? He signs a “contract” to be abstinent–so he abstains? Why so easy for strangers but not his family? And I am told his therapy is none of my business.

    Am I crazy to feel this way? Am I the only one who feels like this? I know I want him to stop using and I want to have a normal life again, but I feel so hurt–still feel like he’s keeping secrets. There is no remorse or humility on his part–just rather smug. Yes, I am angry!

  114. Colleen June 2012 at 3:36 pm

    I finally asked my alcoholic husband to leave after 12 years of marriage. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. He was emotionally abusive and my self-esteem and health were suffering greatly. I grew tired of shielding my 9 yo son from his father’s alcoholism and drug abuse with excuses. I am a mental health professional and his behavior/my response made it very difficult to be genuine in my work.

    I am angry but have been very careful not to engage with him about my anger due to his narcissistic tendencies. It has been a year and he still harrasses me about what he perceives as my shortcomings, but is unwilling to examine his role. He spent our son’s first nine years in the out-building, drunk. He would lie about his actions to my face even when faced with evidence of the truth. He seems unable to separate truth from lies.

    I am sad when I interpret information and educational materials that imply that because he has a disease, I should stay with him and continue to be the sole provider for my family and the only stable adult. The only way he would suffer consequences severe enough to cause him to evaluate his behavior would be if I lost my job and we lost our home and all the assets I worked so hard to obtain. Yes, I am angry. I will own it, but I will no longer live with it daily.

  115. P K June 2012 at 2:26 am

    Just found this site. I am married, but recently seperated from my husband of 20 years. He has had a drinking problem since a teen. His family are all alcoholics, but he has been drinking worse for several years and nothing I say or do will get him to stop. He is slowly killing himself and I am so helpless and feel so guilty for leaving him.

    He probably needs my help now more than ever, but I can NOT stay there any longer. He has had open heart surgery 10 years ago and dwells on the fact that he is going to die of a heart attack. He obsesses daily on and on about this. He calls everyone we know and rants and raves so no one will hardly even talk to him any longer. He knows his drinking and heart, blood pressure and other meds do NOT mix. I feel like I am at the end of a long tunnel with no way back.

    As I said, I live by myself now and so does he. He has our home and I am renting a place and I have a D V O on him so he will leave me alone to think things through. Just looking for some help for my guilty feelings and remorse for leaving him which I do know was the right thing as I had mental and verbal abuse, but just can’t stop these feelings.

    It’s only been a month since we separated and it already feels like a long time. I can’t sleep, eat or want to do anything. I do make myself go places with my family, church and work, of course. Anyway, just asking for prayers for my hubby and me. Thanks.

  116. Eileen May 2012 at 12:40 pm

    I am just not sure that I can believe that alcoholism is the reason that I got beat up by my boyfriend. I believe that ANGER is the real issue here.
    I feel he is using alcoholism as a deterrent for people to feel pity for him.

    He would get angry about so many things. When he was drunk, he was actually nicer than normal. I feel that alcohol diminished his anger, which isn’t healthy whatsoever and is masking a problem for sure.
    But I believe too many men abuse their women and blame their “disease” called booze. It’s a choice to drink.

    The real disease is the abuse, the abuser, and unresolved issues from childhood abuse. Not only should he be focusing ALL of his time on AA meetings, he should be working on his anger issues. It’s hard to get beat up and then for everyone to feel sorry for the poor alcoholic. I am not buying it. Actually it’s breaking my spirit and my hopes.

  117. brenda February 2012 at 11:52 pm

    Anger? I believe in righteous indignation, being angry over wrong behavior and attitudes, but we need to show dignity and respect to the one we are angry with. Unrighteous anger is destructive and harmful to others. When we are angry without a good reason we are –AGITATED–NEGATIVE—GREEDY—EVIL—REBELS.

  118. Nancy January 2012 at 11:05 am

    I am having a difficult time dealing with my anger. 60% of the people I work with are alcoholics, including the management, and I am having problems dealing with their disfunctional behavior. They blame everyone else for their problems when a lot of it they cause themselves. I am going to a meeting tomorrow, but mean time I am just very angry.

  119. Glenna December 2011 at 12:38 am

    My husband of 37 years is a recovering alcoholic. Me, the wife? Well, after all these years, I am an emotional mess! I am so filled with hurt and anger that has been bottled up over the years that I don’t know what to do to get rid of it!!

    John & I married young and, yes, I knew he was a drinker from the start, but thought because we were young that it was something that he would grow out of. Big mistake!

    Early into our marriage I saw a change in the man I married. He would come home mad and start an argument. Next he began to shove or push me over the slightest incident, called me names, and was very abusive. After a few years of this and 2 children later, I suffered a complete nervous breakdown. I tried to get help. Forget that, as none of his family would ever believe such a thing, and if he did drink–it was due to my depression!

    I took myself to the doctor and was hospitalized for 3 months for severe depression. Yes, I was severely depressed because of my marriage! Even when I told his family about all the hidden bottles that I found and the mood swings, it was always slammed in my face by those around me! I think that is what makes me the angriest!! He was able to hide it from everyone–that is, except me.

    The children, 4 of them, grew to see their father as this happy-go-lucky fellow who was now surrounded by his amused audience. Yes, he became such a funny guy, but it was always under the influence of alcohol. Otherwise, he would get the “shakes”!

    As he got older & his adoring audience left to marry & begin families of their own, it got worse. Every night he would come home to pass out, couldn’t remember dates, wouldn’t eat. Today he is very lucky to still be alive–4 wrecks. Two he got away with, laughing that he didn’t get caught, and 2 arrests for DUI. But it was the last wreck that got him into treatment. He drove a tractor over a hill on the highway, flipped it, and broke his back. Awful, but I don’t feel a bit sorry for him. He has played this sympathy game since the day we married–I am through with the sympathy!

    What is so hurtful is that my children grew up being shielded from daddy’s little problem. Well, I need their support & I don’t get it. They have pretty much abandoned me & and have taken up with my in-laws in this ongoing pity-daddy ring. What I need is some support from someone, because I sure don’t get any support from anyone! I have had to deal with this alone & I can’t do it any more!

  120. Tammy September 2011 at 9:21 am

    I feel like I’m going crazy. I am so angry and sad. I have been married for 22 years and never really considered my husband an alcoholic, but knew that he had a definite problem with drinking. For a year now I had no choice but to explode with anger for being a baby sitter for all these years. He never hit me or anything. It was always very mean things he would say and I always tried to sweep it under the rug and keep our 2 kids from being around it.

    Now he is telling me that the way I’m treating him now is not love. I don’t even know what to say to that. He has no clue what kind of pain he has put me and the kids thru and I would love to stay married and grow old with him, but I don’t know if he can put up with the anger I have left to release. He says he wishes he could go back and love me the way he should have, but we both have not had a drink for 2 months and I should be happy, right?

    I am more mad than I have ever been in my whole life. I stuck with him for 22 years for better or worse. Now I dont think he will do the same for me.

  121. Regina August 2011 at 5:08 pm

    I am married to an alcoholic. I will be attending my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow, hopefully. My husband is into his second week of sobriety, yet I am filled with SO much anger. I should be proud of him. I should be happy, but I think I may be depressed and lonely as well as angry.

    How is it that he can torment me during our entire relationship, abandon me whenever he wanted to binge on alcohol, deplete all of our finances, leave many bills unpaid, lose all our friends, insult me with my own secrets I shared with him in confidence, and just walk back in, say he’s going to AA and suddenly all is ‘forgiven’?

    I almost hate him. I definitely resent him. I just wonder if this loneliness and anger goes away. I can’t even trust my own emotions anymore. The frustration is unending and the confusion just multiplies. I don’t know how much more I can handle before suffering a nervous breakdown.

  122. Victoria March 2011 at 9:49 am

    I am so angry, depressed, lonely, etc. etc. I married a man I met in college. One year out of college, I thought I was in love. We were married for over 20 years and have 3 kids. We live near his family, whom I feel are partly to blame as they lived only a mile away, while their son was an alcoholic ruining his wife’s and kids’ lives.

    The night before the only real family vacation we had planned (after being married almost 15 years), and he goes out and gets drunk again and gets a DUI. The kids and I had to pick him up from jail on our way to start our vacation. I never knew how much he was drinking as he had bottles hidden everywhere. I didn’t and still don’t have any real friends around to talk to, to help me realize.

    I had talked to my sisters and my mom, but my husband had them all fooled and they thought I was just exaggerating my problem as no marriage is perfect. Because over the years we lost our emotional connection, he stopped calling when he went away on business trips. He would get drunk and start a fight with me, then leave and not come home for several days. I got used to it in the way that you have to when you have kids to get to school and work to get to. I had to go on and try not to dwell.

    I didn’t know what else to do and how to get help. He finally got to A.A. and says he is happy. He doesn’t care that his lame attempt at apologizing to the kids and I for all these years was just that. He has not cared for me for years. He wasted the best years of my life and now as much as I am glad he left, he has left the kids and I in a lonely place. I still feel like I am lying for him.

  123. grace January 2011 at 6:52 pm

    I am angry for marrying a man I didn’t know that well. I was married 20 years and had 2 children. My family lives in Europe. My parents are deceased. I stayed knowing that something was very wrong. He drank, did drugs and always had excuses. I felt so unloved and had been so loved as a child. I had a complete nervous breakdown when I was 42. I have recovered a lot and wanted to share the things I have learned.

    Understand that when I was married information about the disease of alcoholism and the effect on the children was not open and talked about. I didn’t know. I married a guy who was handsome, charming, hard worker and very intelligent. Unfortunately he had never known what real love was. He had never lived in a real home with truth, trust, and deep intimacy with parents. A love where they would die for you.

    He grew up never knowing who he was. Lack of a self. I lost myself in that marriage by repeating what he had done in his childhood. Suppressed feelings, denial, no trust, no respect, no spiritual belief or believing in a loving God. I was not truthful with my real self. I am more upset with myself for not being honest. Because I knew something was very wrong.

    There was never any passion between us and I always felt bad about that. Now I know why. He could never connect with me on a deep spiritual and emotional level. I feel sorry that my ex was never loved, but I’m also hurt that I feel I wasted what I had on him. I’ve learned a lot and I still am recovering and hope I reach a point I can heal enough to completely let him go.

  124. Norma L January 2011 at 6:22 am

    Growing up in an alcoholic home, I was never allowed to be angry. That emotion was left to my father, the alcoholic, or my mother. I think maybe now as an adult, I am having difficulty actually experiencing the emotion without it turning into rage.

    I think you can experience levels of anger without it being called disappointment or sadness, or wanting to become physically abusive–an evil thought that hides in my head.

    I believe now I reserve the right to be angry for my husband, so this emotion catches me by surprise when I feel angered/enraged. Sorting out my own feelings will take time. Listening to others will help me.

  125. Georgina November 2010 at 3:58 pm

    I have really been struggling with anger and frustration. I did grow up in a household with a lot of anger and abuse. I really relished the feeling of freedom that came with growing up, becoming financially independent and moving away from home. I feel that my friends and coworkers would describe me as friendly, patient, joyful and peaceful. I have always been more of a mediator or peacekeeper than someone who would get all worked up. However the last 3 years since I have been married have been so challenging as I deal with anger, frustration, loneliness and resentment.

    I married an alcoholic. I am so angry with myself for being so blind and going through with something that would cause me such turmoil in my life. I am now a stay-at-home parent with a toddler. I have always strongly valued the benefits of raising your own children, but now I often feel so powerless and lonely.

    Numerous times, during the past 3 years, when I have felt frustrated and helpless I have exploded in rage, swearing, breaking dishes, throwing supper on the floor, kicked a hole through a wall and even hit my partner. I feel so guilty and am so ashamed of myself. This is not who I want to be. I am really focused on learning how to look after myself and to prevent these explosions of rage.

  126. Dean November 2010 at 4:13 pm

    I have found the online Al-Anon and all the comments extremely helpful. I used to feel alone and helpless when dealing with the alcoholic in my life. Since I have begun reading and listening online, my anger has been much more manageable during troubled times. Things had gotten so good that I let my guard down.

    Last night I let the frustration of not being able to communicate to my alcoholic get the best of me and I got angry. I threw the class of wine out and accidentally broke the glass on the counter. Prior situations after listening and reading, I really monitored the alcohol consumption and removed myself from the situation very early. After last night, I really need to continue reading and listening so I may manage my anger that is caused by the helplessness and the inability to communicate when they are drunk. I know this is getting long but I am extremely thankful to this group online because I know I am not alone and do not feel helpless as much.

  127. Louren August 2010 at 8:59 pm

    What struck a cord for me today was the comment, “I’m not responsible for the way another feels.”
    Right now I needed to hear that.

    Anger is a feeling I try to deal with in an adult way. Of course, what is an adult way of dealing with anger when anger has been nothing more than a weapon to hurt, humiliate & degrade another?

    If I am faced with an angry and confrontational situation, I remove myself immediately and I pray for my HP to help me focus on myself.

  128. Cia July 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Wow I totally understand everyone’s anger. I think it is interesting that when we are involved with alcoholics it always seems like we are the ones that are hitting bottom. And the feeling that we spend the best years of our lives stuck in this misery is really unfortunate for all of us.

    I am not a quitter and felt a sense of shame that I had failed in my marriage if I walked away from it but no more. An acquaintance told me that I can’t help that the alcoholic was too selfish to be a friend or spouse to me or a parent to our children.

    I heard on TV one day that it is never too late to live happily ever after… I want my happily ever after to be filled with peace!!!!!

    My thoughts and prayers are with everyone whose hearts will cry out tonight as they fall asleep.

  129. Vicky July 2010 at 7:35 am

    Angry? You bet I am. Four years ago, I married a man who had been alcohol free for twenty years. He had had a problem after Vietnam, done rehab and for 20 years been sober. I had been married to a man for 28 years who had been an alcoholic, divorced him and happily got on with my life.

    Along came a sober, hard working man who wanted to take care of me, love me, and share travel with me. I married him, sold my home, moved into his home and combined our resources. Two years ago, he started drinking. How did I find out? He was arrested for drunk driving and I had even called the police because we had been run into by a bad driver. The police arrested him for driving under the influence. I did not know he had even been drinking at that point.

    Now two years later, he is drunk most of the time. His kids do not even know. He would be uncontrollable with anger if I told them of his problem. He is retired, so there is no reason to be sober–no work. No one on the outside need know.

    I sit here frustrated, watching the best years of our lives evaporate. I know that I cannot change him, that my only control is how I react. I try to make a life for myself, but I married for companionship and got the most lonely life going. My anger will keep me sane until I figure out what steps to take to get out of this mess.

  130. Carollyn June 2010 at 2:57 pm

    WOW! Such powerful stories! At first glance it would seem that most are victims, but then it becomes clear that these people are survivors!

    I have watched my son spiral out of control due to pain killer meds abuse. He completes his second rehab stint today and I pray he really felt he had hit bottom and doesn’t want to go back to that place and is willing to do anything and everything necessary not to. After his 1st rehab I was going to Al-Anon as recommended during family counseling and got some relief and quit going. Then he relapsed and his drug abuse was the worst it has ever been and ended up with him checking himself back into treatment the 2nd time.

    When I first went to Al-Anon, I heard several stories that admitted they went to Al-Anon seeking ways to help their alcoholic stop. I now know that is exactly why I went to Al-Anon and am planning on going back for ME this time. I don’t know how my son will do, but I know that I need to get help for me regardless and despite what happens with my son.

    My husband is self medicating with wine and it’s a hard thing to watch. My daughters seem to have “detached” and are healthier than I could hope for. I know my pain and sadness is causing them pain and additional anger at their brother so that’s another impetus to get help for myself.

    I read something that has been helpful that I want to try, maybe someone else will find it helpful as well: Just for Today: Just for today I will exercise my soul in 3 ways: I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. If anyone knows it it will not count. I will do at least 2 things I don’t want to do – just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it. God Bless all of you!

  131. Em June 2010 at 2:26 am

    Tonight I went and found my boyfriend at the bar. As I was begging him to let me drive him home, deputies showed up. One of them recognized us. He had come to our home last year because of my post partum depression. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I’m angry. For over five years I have loved a man who is is not capable of loving anything but a bottle. We have a beautiful daughter and I don’t know how I’m going to tell her I wasn’t strong enough to keep her family intact. He is laying here, passed out, snoring and I feel so much hate. I hate him, his family and friends for making excuses for his drinking. But really I hate myself for being such a fool and allowing myself to be used.

  132. Cindy April 2010 at 11:53 pm

    I too am angry. I didn’t realize I married an alcoholic, and the alcohol didn’t surface until things started to get hard with us in life. I was pregnant with our second child who was only 15 mths younger than our first. My husband drank in the basement and I was put on bedrest so wasn’t very aware of it. Since then, it’s been on and off for over four years. We lost our house, our cars, jobs, money, and now, I asked him to move out two months ago.

    I am raising our four children, all under the age of 4, alone. He is not in AA that I am aware of, but is now “spiritually” enlightened and doesn’t need to drink. I feel very unsafe with him and untrusting. I’ve pushed anger around so much inside of me, it doesn’t have a proper place anymore. Sometimes it explodes out; sometimes it hides.

    Thankfully, I am in Al-Anon, and I love it. I love walking into a room and being enveloped with the understanding and compassion of others. Reading everyone’s posts here is heart-breaking. It is amazing how much pain we have all been through, and most of it kept secret. Not anymore for me.
    Thank you for letting me share.

  133. sherry k. April 2010 at 10:30 am

    Husband of 23 years is now having to deal with the results of his drinking. He has destroyed his liver and developed diabetes. He was told years ago to stop drinking because of liver damage, but he didn’t. Last December he almost died. I begged the hosp to put him into a rehab. While he was there he crashed and ended up in the hosp. again. Because of the damage done by his drinking, I have to work every day and I cannot be around to make sure he takes his meds, eats right, etc.

    Why can’t he do that for himself? His sisters live in Calif. They were worried he would die so they decided to take care of him. Now all I hear is how well he is doing. I tried so hard to help him and now they are sure he will be ok. I love him but I do not want him to come home because I don’t trust him and don’t have the time to take care of him. They act like I’m being selfish. I’m 65 years old and can’t be angry anymore. We had a good life and his drinking destroyed it. Now I’m trying to pick up the pieces. He can’t work because he is sick. I have to work because if I don’t we will lose the house.

    Al-Anon is helping me deal with some of my anger, but I can’t get past the resentment I feel when his sisters say I need to give him a chance. We have been down this road before, but he says this time he has quit for good. Now he is asking me to watch him die . I can’t do that and take care of myself. I pray every day for strength to keep on keeping on, but some days I just sit and cry.

  134. christine April 2010 at 2:22 am

    I am dealing with anger right now because I have to live this way because of my alcoholic’s choices. I realize that we all have choices, but my partner has made choices that will dictate my grim future and leaves me feeling very angry. I am not usually angry but am very mad and scared about my future because of his choices and I have no say in this.

    I know we all have choices and I made a very bad choice to pick this man to be with. Alcohol is selfish and cruel and at 55 yrs of age I have no home, no place to cook my kids Easter meal. I am embarrassed that I made such a poor choice and my kids have to do without and have a sick mom to boot.

    Why are we so blind to see the ill effects of what an alcoholic can do to your life? I am not playing the blame game as I made a mistake by getting involved with this man, but am so angry what he has done to our lives. Thanks for allowing this to get out of me.

  135. Dorian February 2010 at 1:10 pm

    My partner is a “dry-drunk” who put down the drink some 20 years ago, but still battles the disease in his behaviors, actions, choices and relationships.

    The greatest example of his disease is his raging, violent, abusive anger.

    He is manic in how much rage he carries. Sometimes he is able to keep the cork in the bottle and then again, when the slightest pressures or kinks in his life happen, he becomes explosive–and it opens very familiar and destructive patterns in how I choose to deal with him.

    2009 was a terrible year for me and my partner. So many things happened that were and still are BEYOND our CONTROL and they left us both feeling so helpless and hopeless.

    I lost my job in April and for 8 months. My job, my career, is very important to me. In many ways this obsession with my career led to the destruction of my relationship.

    In April my partner opted to go out on disability, due to an injury he sustained which kept him from being able to do the work he once had.

    The 8 months of captivity in each other’s stuff was a toxic environment.

    It brought a lot of other resentments and blame we had about each other to the surface.

    It also fanned the fire of my partner’s rage, a rage and anger that existed even when there wasn’t a reason to be so angry.

    My disease is co-dependency, the want to fix him, to take on his burdens, to tolerate and accept his abuse, to make it go away.

    He would cut me off–shout me down–and I would accept it all, more than I could bear, just to create peace, but the peace never lasted.

    Now we are facing the dissolution of our 12-year relationship, selling our home in the worst market, up-rooting our lives, disrupting our animals.

    I feel like we are fleeing the insanity, instead of curing it.

    Despite all the rage, the fear, the resentment, I do not hate my partner.

    My heart breaks to see him in so much pain.

    My heart breaks to see how I am in so much pain.

    There was, there are still so many good reasons why we were together.

    I just don’t know what happened to all those things that held us in balance for what seems such a long long time ago.

  136. JS February 2010 at 2:48 am

    I grew up in an alcoholic family where my father was the active alcoholic. I ended up marrying a man who was just like my mother, i.e., an enabler. It has been very hard to leave my past behind. I am now divorced for seven years after my husband left me abruptly for another woman after twenty years of marriage. Without going into massive detail, I deal with what feels like almost “constant anger.”

    I wake up angry, have nightmares, which only seemed to let up a bit since I found my sponsor and I started regularly using my CES (cranial electronic stimulation). I still have sleepless nights (like tonight), but they are farther and farther in between. This is my first time writing on the website and I am really glad it is here for everyone. I want to start dating again, but I am afraid sometimes that if I move forward too soon, I will end up with an alcoholic this time, instead of an enabler like the first time.

    I am thankful to God for a second chance with my mother, my loving daughter, and having food and a roof over my head. Now if I can just tame that little anger beast : ) Let Go and Let God, as we say!!!

  137. Kacey February 2010 at 1:28 am

    I feel like I’ve given up so much of my life to HIS disease. Why should I have to spend more time on it? I liken it to when my four kids were little and he would come home after spending 30 minutes in the car by himself and then need “down time” before dealing with the kids. I’d have given my right arm at that point for 20 minutes alone in the car. My soon to be ex has had YEARS of treatment, time, resources etc. to deal with his issues. Me, I’ve had to keep all the balls going. NO time, treatment, or resources. He’s sober and “thrilled” with his new life, free of all responsibility for past wrongs or future debts. It’s all about him, as it always has been, 24/7. “God” is guiding him to give his time and resources to others. Great, not his kids or his soon to be ex-wife, but all his new sober house soul mates. So glad he has that 3 extra hours in his day to meditate instead of work now. Me, I feel like I missed the poster advertising the “get of out jail free” card he seems to have found. I think it must involve drinking koolaid at some point.

  138. Liz January 2010 at 1:27 pm

    My spouse has been sober for about 1 year. I, too, feel like “I am not the one with the problem. He is.” I also would like to have a glass of wine when we go out to dinner, etc. But I do not. He also looks down on it. Everyone has the allergy! I get tired of hearing that. Recently I told him no, not everyone has the allergy, you do. Sometimes I think I will go ahead and order a glass of wine, but I would feel guilty–which I should not.

    I do not go overboard. One or two glasses of wine a couple times a month, or whatever. But my how my life has had to change just because he cannot control his drinking. Even when a recipe calls for 1/2 cup of wine, I use something else.

    Again, I am not looking for answers, but I wish I could resolve some of my anger and resentment towards him and his new-found sober friends. I get tired of hearing about what wonderful people they are. Most of them are on marriage # 2 , 3, or 4. I sometimes wonder if that will happen to us when he is ready for the 13th step, which I recently heard about. Some of the women that attend these meetings are probably waiting for Mr. Wonderful–blah, blah, blah.

    I do not want to go back to his drinking, but not sure what the answer is here. I have been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings and they did not do much for me. Why should I have to do the Steps? Maybe I have not been to the right fake rolex meeting yet. Nor do I really want to attend them. What this all comes down to is, do you stay with this person or move on? After 30 years I really don’t think I want to move on, but sometimes I am just not sure.

  139. Lynn January 2010 at 2:24 pm

    I have lived with alcoholics all of my life. My father was a violent, abusive alcoholic who beat me and my mother. I married into a family of alcoholics in my early 20’s and divorced 15 years later, after being repeatedly threatened and abused by them. I am now married to my highschool sweetheart, who has turned out to be an alcoholic as well.

    I vowed to never marry another alcoholic or allow them to manipulate and control my life. Now I am saddened that what I tried so hard to stay away from is now back in my life daily. I love my husband beyond measure; he is smart, handsome and can be the sweetest man on earth, but has rages from the alcohol that can flare at any second of the day over any small thing. He has a serious habit of blaming me for everything that he doesn’t agree with, that has moved, that he can’t find, whatever. He loves to criticize and tear me down, and my family down.

    The anger I feel towards him when he unleashes his anger on me consumes me. I try hard to keep my own anger suppressed, because I know it isn’t healthy or helping the situation. He pushes and pushes me. He wants me to talk to him and listen to him, but his idea of talking is controlling the conversation and lecturing me for hours. If I try to speak during his lectures or make a comment, he will tell me to shut the “F- Up” or, “You are not listening to me; look at me when I am talking to you,” or, “You don’t care about me or my feelings.”

    I try to love him regardless of what he says or does to me. I try to remain calm and in control of my feelings, but sometimes I can’t. I do not want to leave my husband or go through another divorce. We are both Christians and I believe in the ultimate healing of God, but I know that healing will not come until my husband admits that he has a serious drinking problem.

    I have been through Al-Anon as a child and young adult. I know what I must do most of the time. Today after reading these, I realize that he is trying to get me to react to his anger and emotions.

  140. SadTexas December 2009 at 1:26 am

    I just asked my husband of 9 years to leave today. He didn’t even put up a fight. This was after a drunken bout last night where he, once again, verbally abused me. He “promised” after the LAST time he did this that it would not happen again. I had told him at that time that it was his last chance. I felt like I had to carry through with making him pack his bags and leave today or it would be like the boy who cried wolf if I didn’t.

    He’s a binge drinker, and since he doesn’t get drunk “every day” or even every week, he thinks he doesn’t have a problem. My heart is hurting so badly on top of being angry. One part of me wants to go find him and make sure he’s ok, as I’m worried that he’ll do something stupid since he’s in a hotel room, probably passed out at this point. I am contacting a local meeting place tomorrow and going to my first meeting.

    We’ve both been unemployed for 6+ months and are both depressed and angry over job situations. We have been living with my 20-year-old son for the past 2 months until something came thru on a job. Why do feel like I’ve got to make sure he’s OK and hasn’t either killed himself or someone by driving drunk? Why is it so hard to let go?

    This has been an ongoing fight for the entire 9 years we’ve been married. I’ve asked him repeatedly to just stay away from me when he’s drunk, as I think he’s so ignorant when he tries to speak to me while drinking. I totally lose respect for him. I wish that I hated him so this would all be easier. But sometimes I DO hate him when he’s drunk. I just don’t know what I should be feeling or what to do. I’m angry and hurt and sad.

  141. Jill November 2009 at 5:52 pm

    He says he’s been “sober” for 16 days. That counts the 4 days in the hospital under Ativan. My house is in foreclosure, he is all arrogant about being “fixed,” and I’m just angry. I do love him – but I don’t know what he’s like when he’s sober. I need someone to focus on ME! All his IOP therapy is about him and I’m just mad, mad, mad.

  142. Ricardo A November 2009 at 10:43 pm

    When I wrote about horrible things that could happen in my mind, heart, and body, I meant if I don’t talk about my feelings my body, brain, and system will talk. Muscle pain, stomach pain, eye pain, insomnia, eating disorders, lymphatic cancer, neuralgia, etc. All of this is what my body translated to me – just begging me to talk about my feelings.

  143. Ricardo A November 2009 at 10:37 pm

    I think anger is a human emotion, and there’s no problem just feeling it. What I found out about my problem with anger was that in my family environment and childhood there was no healthy communication that showed me how to talk about how I felt. No one mentioned that there was a “family rule” that stated it was wrong to say that you were angry about anything or anyone. Therefore, I grew up with a very acute, distorted sense of what anger was.

    It was here in Al-Anon that I understood it was ok to feel my feelings, any feeling. It is great to talk about them, and that it was horrible and sad to grow up psychologicaly conditioned to always say that I was fine, and so on. Feeling anger is ok because I am human. Talking with my sponsor about this feeling is also healthy and very important to my mind and heart.

    I want to share an experience about this: Years ago my sister, her little son, and her daughter visited my mother. I was also there and I started talking with my niece and nephew. I asked them how they were doing, and their answers overwhelmed me. It was also a kind of regression, because they answered, -almost like robots- that they were fine, at school everything was going very well, and they showed the same kind of polite, litany conditioning. Well, I told them – being as natural and easy going as I could. I recall almost like playing a game, that it was possible and right to talk about anything that they didn´t like, and their attitude changed almost with some kind of emotional thirst. I remember my niece quickly telling me she accidentally fell from a chair at home and she was upset because it was painfull.

    So, feeling anger and talking about it is fine, very human and healthy. Horrible things can happen in my mind, heart, and body when I don’t talk about my feelings.

  144. Sue - MA November 2009 at 2:39 pm

    I went to Al-Anon years ago and got some very useful information. However, I still have a lot of anger issues and may have to go back. This time my anger is towards my sister who is an alcoholic. She is so impulsive. She quit her job of 25 years because she was depreseed over the death of our nephew who overdosed.

    She is drinking again, and I’m angry because everyone’s out of a job and she quits (Plus, they suspected she may have been drinking, but she could have taken a leave of absence). I feel she’s going to use the death of her nephew to “drain” the family members even more. (Now she has no paycheck and is drawing on her savings.)

    Today she’s announced she’s going to a rehabilitation program in Florida, so we family members have to care for her dog. We’re afraid she will only stay two or three weeks tops and return only to start drinking again with the holdays coming up. We asked her just to try a local rehab center first, so it doesn’t drain her insurance. We felt she might be able to work it out because she’s only been drinking on and off for a week, but she blew up at us with rage. I don’t know if I made a mistake by asking her this. So I’m mad at her and mad at myself. I was doing good but it all of a sudden got to me. I’m drained!!

  145. Danna October 2009 at 10:41 pm

    As I sit here and type tonight, I am so angry. I, too, have never been to an Al-Anon meeting, but my supposedly recovering husband thinks I need to go. He had quit drinking all on his own for two years and then our son was born. The last two years of my life have been total and utter hell. That is the best way I can describe it. Instead of him taking responsibility like a man, all he did was run and start drinking again–heavily.

    Most days he does not remember. Most days he put our child in danger, even though I did not know it. Denial is a wicked thing! He finally about three months ago got very violent with me and was arrested after violating a no-contact order and for crawling under our house and wrapping himself in plastic. Yes, he is crazy! At that point, I was scared he may get out and kill me, so I left–packed up my own and my son’s things and traveled 2,000 miles to be back with my parents.

    He spent three weeks in jail, got out, and swore he would never drink again. He said he would do whatever it takes to “win” me back and prove himself. Instead, all he has done is drink every day since he got out, until about five weeks ago when he went into inpatient treatment. He got out and came and visited me and my son. Things were ok while he was here, but he has now gone back to the town where we were living. I no longer get calls, except when he wants to talk. He doesn’t have time to talk most times because he is busy hanging out with his alcoholic friend and his friend’s family, because he now is homeless and lives with them.

    I just found out my father is terminally ill and am hurting so bad from that, and you would think a husband would be there to offer support–no such luck. He keeps doing very stupid things. I know I won’t ever be able to make his choices for him, but dang, I would hope one day that he would at least make one good decision.

    I feel so lost and hurt and don’t want to feel like it is always me who has the problem. I know it is a disease but everyone has a CHOICE! When you get out of bed each and every morning, from that point everyone makes a choice. These people are just like my husband. They have no regard for human life and just suck at making choices, if you ask me. Maybe a meeting would help me, maybe not. I am willing to try. I just think, as always, I am in this boat alone–at least as far as he and I go.

  146. Maureen October 2009 at 11:46 am

    I have been reluctant to go to Al-Anon meetings because “I am not the one with the problem, so why should I have to work a program?” I still feel that way and this is part of my anger. My husband has now been sober for a little over two years, which is a good thing. And, bless his heart, he really is trying to make big changes in his life and I respect him for that. He is a good man. That is why I stuck with him through the first 25 years of drinking.

    I just feel so angry – I feel anger that I had to deal with the drinking sessions and ugly consequences for the first 25 years, and now I feel as though I continue to be punished because now I am not “allowed” to enjoy a simple glass of wine myself. Punishment then, and punishment now. I drink very moderately – a couple of glasses of wine a week, but now I feel like I am the “alcoholic,” as I have to sneak them. He disapproves and the simple act of sneaking them takes away the enjoyment.

    It is causing so much anger inside of me and I do not know what to do about it. I am not an angry person by nature, but this has really been building up inside of me over the past two years. I don’t know if writing this down will help.

  147. John October 2009 at 8:29 pm

    I had some experience with alcoholism at a distance when I was a kid. Had a grandfather I saw twice. Both times Dad had picked him up off the highway, stumbling drunk. An old shell of a man is the way he sits in my childhood memory. He raped his own daughter well before I was born. I later found out from the victim who was my aunt that I went and lived with as a teen in California.

    I’m 34, smart, good looking, got a lot of things going for myself as a computer programmer. But this year, lol, I took this journey with a high school friend that I became involved with one night out of the blue at a bar.

    She is the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever seen. High ambition and a ton of fun. She comes from privilege. Her folks make a mil a year and her sister two. I make 36 but that’s with three zeroes instead of four or five, lol. I fell hard for this woman and asked her to marry me very quickly. We spent five months together on and off, weekends and late nights, drinking. Talking about old times when we were young and around each other. It all seemed so perfect.

    Then things started to get flakey. By the end, just about every promise, statement, or dream we made ended up being a big fat lie. From best friends to enemies, in a snap. She left for some other poor guy. I am very new to this disease and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep from killing her if I was with her again. I feel for her but she told me she wasn’t ready to quit yet. Right before she really worked me over.

    I want to help her as my friend but she says she has moved on. I don’t know what I should do. I have the chance to get out, but no one else may love her the way I do and want to stand by her. I wonder how much of my love is due to the destruction of my self-esteem that this disease causes. Maybe I should give up and move on.

    It’s been 3.5 months since I’ve seen her and I still think about her every day and wonder if she’s okay. I know she’s out there doing all kinds of messed up stuff. It hurts me to think she will stay this way. I know there’s not much I can do to persuade her. I tried over and over again.

  148. dee October 2009 at 2:38 am

    I feel such guilt and then I get angry that my spouse has put us in this situation. He has put us in danger as well as himself with his drinking and painkiller abuse. After he made threats to his family, I had him picked up and he is in a lockdown facility. I feel like such a witch. He hates me and feels we all hate him. I feel so bad he is all alone and goes from being so angry at me to crying so hard it breaks my heart. Now he won’t let them even give me a call to see how he is doing.

    I hope he does not die from withdrawals off a very strong drug he was given by his doctors, but the facility won’t give him anything, since they don’t do pain management.

  149. wendy G, October 2009 at 5:26 am

    I am new to all this. I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting yet, but my life is so miserable. I am so angry all the time. I think I am living with an alcoholic.

  150. Joy C. September 2009 at 1:42 pm

    I, too, grew up in the fantasy that I could manipulate / change / control my mother’s moods and prevent her from being angry, make her happy. Then I could be happy and relaxed at home. I then began to believe that it was my duty and responsibility.

    This whole line of erroneous thinking formed an insane way to live. As a teen and so far removed from my own feelings, I continued to react to others. I grew more and more fearful, which made me more and more removed. I think that is why I have so few memories of my childhood.

    Yes, I learned to masterfully manipulate, though I am not sure it would work on ANYONE – just others in the throes of the disease, probably. But one thing is for sure. I might “make” my husband mad by something I say, and I am learning that it is on him how long he stays angry. I can learn what might hurt him, how to change my approach and other things, but I am OK. I can let it go and learn to love us both.

  151. steve September 2009 at 7:16 pm

    How can anyone say that they cannot control someone and their anger? She stated right up front that she always did this as a child and an adult. “I am not responsible for someone else and their anger” is a cop out. You can prod, poke, cajole, etc. to make sure someone gets and stays angry. Is she at fault because her dad was a drunk–no. But did she (or I) ever try to use dad’s drinking to get my own way–sure. I am thankful for this format so I can explore the subject.

  152. Laura August 2009 at 4:39 pm

    I am so thankful I had the chance to read the feelings each one of you expressed.

    I am angry with my addicted sister, denying brother, and mainly myself for allowing this to happen to my family. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! She has manipulated, lied, stolen, and used her looks to acquire drugs. She married an alcoholic and has been divorced for over 10 years, but she has continued devastating her life, our dad’s, and brother’s lives.

    She had a child eight years ago, which God gave her to save her life. I believe those nine months have been the only “drug free” times in her life. How do I know? She lived in rehab all nine months.

    Now, after eight long years of this abuse, she and her son are living with my family and me. To create normalcy for her son was the only reason I invited her to live with us. My family has tried to create a truly consistent way of life for him for the past eight years. She has manipulated me, others, and especially our dad. All this time I was blaming him for her addictive behavior, but not anymore.

    Our brother is in denial. As long as he doesn’t see or talk with her, then he doesn’t have to deal with her. She has used her son as leverage–my dad wouldn’t allow his grandson to go without. She knows that and used this so cunningly! Now Dad has detatched himself from her, thank goodness, and is living out what life he has left.

    Well, here I am, rearranging my home, schedule, and life just to accommodate her. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. She will not take over our lives. My answer to her will be, “NO.” She must do this on her own. God will lead me. We walk by faith and not by sight!!! It’s time to put on the sleepshades, grab the walking cane, and hit the road, walking!!! I will attend an Al-Anon meeting this weekend. She will find her way, but only with the sole help of God Almighty.

  153. Cindy August 2009 at 9:59 pm

    Thank you, Jennifer, and everyone who chooses to share feelings on this very difficult issue.

    Jennifer, you really hit home base with me. I grew up with an alcoholic father and both grandfathers. But I could never understand why it was my mother who was the abusive parent.

    I’m very close to my father. He was the caring parent. I never saw him take a drink, never even smelled it on him. To me, it was my mother who was the problem. It wasn’t till I read your comment that I finally understood my mother’s anger.

    I grew up angry all the time and didn’t have a clue why. I began to drink (a LOT) all through my teens and well into my 40’s. And as you said, ” I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

    I stopped drinking on my own, left my alcoholic partner, learning to live and let live by the will of God. And I will be going to my first Al-Anon meeting.

    Thank you, again.
    You are all in my prayers.

  154. Ebostic711 July 2009 at 6:22 pm

    I am still trying to figure out that same question. I didn’t know until an adult that my grandfather (who died of alcohism) was actually an alcoholic. My dad is a dry alcoholic. My sister is a practicing alcoholic and my other sister is in denial. I grew up with the anger and the outburst and the “I’m right” and “You’re just stupid” attitude. Then I married a drug addict. I am now divorced and am in a wonderful relationship. He goes to AA and suggested A-Anon for me. I was never so happy to be in a room full of people who felt just like me. I’m not different or weird; I just have lived with this disease all of my life.

  155. Cat July 2009 at 4:26 am

    I’m currently in a program called Spiritual Recovery at my church. I’m learning great things about working on myself and not being an enabler any longer, but just wish I knew what was a basic character flaw and what was part of the alcoholism.

    My husband and I have been together for 22 years. We have four daughters, and thus far, thank God, I think they’re OK for the most part. Thanks be to God and to our church family and programs. As for him, he won’t stop drinking, won’t get his own job. He works for my business and performs at a real sub par level until I come down on him. He has a college degree that we are heavily in debt over, and he refused to ever use it.

    I’m virtually working all the time, and still behind. I have no life and can’t find the time to spend with my kids, exercise, work in the yard, nothing. It’s always trying to keep up with the business.

    He watches me work myself into the ground, yet claims he’s the ‘busiest guy he knows’. He’s not, but that’s his ego’s way of survival. I’ve been training him to do my business for 5 years now and he’s still failing to learn most of the basics. The immaturity, sense of entitlement, lack of leadership, lack of responsibility and accountability. I’m done. He doesn’t seem to care for me at all, but rather treats me as his meal ticket. He’s refusing to get help and trying once again to ‘control his drinking’ (ya, right!) on his own. He’s so convincing when he tries, but sadly it only lasts a short while. I’ve heard it hundreds of times before, and finally getting off this cycle of denial with him.

    It’s like the Groundhog Day movie, over and over and over. I feel terrible as I’m having to force the issue here. Get help or get out. To discontinue enabling, I must fire him as he’s really, really not cut out to work in our business.

    Angry much? Uh, ya. You bet I am. And is this behavior, manipulation, immaturity, etc. all a product of the alcoholic disease? Is some of it simply poor character? Wish I knew. Only God could change him, and he won’t let Him in.

  156. Diane June 2009 at 8:32 pm

    Today for the 1st time I listened to the anger podcast. I have been going to one meeting a week since my husband entered into a treatement program four weeks ago. These meetings have really helped me with my anger with my spouse. However, I felt another type of anger today which this podcast helped me deal with.

    Today I went to visit my husband, and I finally have our three children on the path to understanding part of this disease. But then I encounter another part of the problem–the sickness of the codependent family members. My mother-in-law was the child of an alcoholic and she married another person who has the problem. Today I saw the anger and family issues within his family that he grew up with surface.

    The fact that I grew up in a household without this disease makes it harder for me to understand why they cannot separate their own issues from his. But because of my program I was able to step back from their situation, and so was my husdand, and continue our visit. It allowed both of us to see that we want a better enviroment for our children.

  157. liz June 2009 at 8:18 pm

    Here I sit, one year into going to Al-Anon and still seem so mixed up. I guess I didn’t realize I had all this anger, since I too like to control each situation. What a blow to know that there is nothing I can do to convince him to stop drinking. It feels like he doesn’t want me and I am so lonesome.

    I am learning to depend on myself for my own feelings and trying not to rely on how others make me feel. It’s such a lonely road. I can’t wait to get to the other side. I am so sad right now and confused. The meetings though are extremely helpful. Tonight I had to focus on Al-Anon material rather than what he is doing and how it hurts. The disease is extremely painful and the effects of living with an alcoholic are difficult to come to terms with. Bless us all, and God be with each of us as we journey to new places.

  158. Donna C June 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Dear Daniel,
    Get yourself into as many meetings as you can!

    They say you can tell an alcoholic family by the spouse’s behavior. I can so relate to how you feel about her going to all these meetings and you feel left out. I solved that problem by going to lots of Al-Anon Family Groups. After 3 yrs of him relapsing, I left to save myself. He went to detox 2 days later and just got his 30-day chip.

    We are currently separated, but during one of his many forays into “sobriety” he would go to meetings and talk on the phone constantly to his “buddies,” and was no more available to me than when he was drinking!

    We may reconcile someday in the future, but right now we are busy getting our own lives in order.

    Good luck to U
    And GOD BLESS!
    Donna

  159. Daniel June 2009 at 2:33 pm

    I find I get angry far too often and it has gotten worse over the past 4 years with my alcoholic. I am very new to Al-Anon, never was involved with an alcoholic before her. I love her dearly. She is finally back in AA and is 8 months sober, praise God. But it seems now all our past fights are still coming up, fights we had while she was drunk.

    I am the one who is now out of control and I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone now that she no longer needs me. She now has AA. She is now doing all the things I had been begging her to do the past 4 years. I should be happy, right? Instead I am suspicious, jealous, and angry. She now has friends that I am not allowed to meet, is out doing things I am not allowed to join in on. I hate this feeling of being shut out and it only makes me hold tighter.

    I see I am destroying us faster than her drinking ever did. And I don’t know how to stop. She is now in her 4th Step and is saying things like she is not sure about us, or if she wants to be with me anymore. But she wants to keep trying.

    I feel that the only reason we ever got together was because she was drinking, and now that she is on her way to sobriety, she no longer loves or needs me. I am just so upset at all of this, at what alcohol has cost both of us and will continue to cost us. I feel so useless, like a wimp, so emasculated by all of this. Where I was once a strong, loving, gentle guy, I have become this fearful, angry worrywart. I just want to live in the light again, to be happy, to know that the one I love, loves me.

    Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth all of this, even if she does become sober for good. Will this ever end? Or will I constantly be fearful of her relapsing or moving on to a more sane man, leaving me the husk of a man I once was. I just hate this feeling.

  160. Tricia June 2009 at 5:04 pm

    Here I sit, lonely and depresssed. I live with a husband who has not had a drink for 22 years but is not what I consider “sober.”

    Just moved and started back to Al-Anon. Need to get my life back on track. It is too short to be in this constant emotional pain.

  161. Jennifer June 2009 at 3:32 pm

    I, too, was married to an alcoholic for 12 years and after his eleven re-hab visits, various arrests, mostly because I called the police, I gave up and asked my higher power for help.
    I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had been admitted to a mental facility for 48 hrs because I had taken an overdose and had come very close to death. When I realized I had lived , I was angry with God for not taking me! It then occured to me that maybe he had another plan for me ! When I truly had reached my bottom , there he was!…..may I say waiting for me! I had try to make deals with him before……..”if you get him to stop drinking!!….. .I will do anyhting you want me to!….if only it was that easy!

    I started going to meetings and gradually,very gradually the light came on!
    I am now divorced from the alcoholic and am so happy! I still have to work every day on myself……something I was not used to. In fact at the beginning I did not know what to do for myself because for so long my concentration was on him………I lost myself in his addiction. Today, I have compassion for all addicts, but keep my distance! I now understand it’s his choice to drink and has nothing to do with me……..I mind my OWN business!!

    I really hope this helps somebody……….their IS light at the end of the tunnel and it’s you!!
    [When I use the word God….whatever your higher power is!}
    God Bless
    Jennifer

  162. Maddie May 2009 at 11:19 pm

    I am also angry that I am alone and find little time to attend my first meeting. I know it will be the best thing for me to do. My husband is an alcoholic and I think I grew up with parents who might have been. I started to become one too, until I realized how bad it made me feel and then I went to a 30-day treatment home for post traumatic stress.

    Now that I am home and have more skills, the evidence of my husband’s rage and spite and anger towards me has reached a point of no return. Several nights ago he grabbed me hard, shook me, and then threw me to the floor. Luckily I did not have any breaks–except my heart. I have bruises and shame and now disgust for a man I have been married to for 22 years this June. Our daughter has suffered enough. It is time for me to get out.

    I will ask God to help me and rid me of the anger and sadness I am bound to feel going forward, but I know he needs the help I can’t give him–only he can decide not to drink or abuse. I can’t let the anger get the better of me and I will simply detach. I have a group that I can talk to and I will go this Friday, even though I don’t think I can make it. They will be there for me, for all our “friends” have abandoned us, we are too miserable to be around. Thank you for letting me be truthful here.

  163. L May 2009 at 8:22 pm

    I find that I experience two kinds of anger – anger about my alcoholic husband’s irrational choices, even though he has been exposed to all the necessary tools for recovery but doesn”t use them, and then anger at myself for living in this insanity. I am trying to practice “Let go and let God” along with taking responsbility for myself and my feelings. At least right now, the antidote to anger for me is to realize that I have choices – nobody is forcing me to live with this. The bigger problem right now is fear, fear to make those choices.

  164. Kerry April 2009 at 9:55 am

    I finally did it. I attended an Al-Anon meeting for the first time and left feeling a sense of peace that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Over the past two weeks I found myself with increasing anger and anxiety related to how my life has suddenly been turned upside down, not being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

    The first person I met at the meeting told me to hate the disease, not the person. Being able to put that thought into my head and repeat it to myself is a help. I hadn’t heard of “Let Go and Let God” before, but heard it many times during the meeting. The person I am dealing with is my ex-husband. We have three children together. I thought I was all set in life, was separate from any of his doings. I never thought that he would go to the extreme he did of drinking and drugging his way into not only losing everything of his, but dragging my home and financial safety along with him.

    We had set things up for him to continue to pay the mortgage on my home as part of child support. He not only stopped paying the mortgage, but charged up an equity line to the limit and stopped paying on that also. He has left me in a financial mess, never mind being the sole caregiver to our three children. All of this just unfolded over the past few months and I have found myself torn between helping and hating.

    I have no choice but to help him for my children’s sake, but knowing he has caused the source of all negativity in my life right now makes it a huge challenge. I will continue to attend Al-Anon meetings to help pull me through this. I finally got to the point over the past few weeks of knowing I can’t possibly do it on my own. It was hard, but I am glad I made that first step and I am grateful for having Al-Anon available.

  165. Sylvia April 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Hello,
    I am new to this. I am very ANGRY. I met a man last fall and he wined me and dined me and convinced me that he loved me and he moved into my house on January 1, 2009. By the 1st of February I was suspicious about his drinking and questioned myself a few times about him getting drunk on his days off. He sips during the work week and really sips on his days off. It has made me very angry because we discussed my life with my alcoholic father before he moved in. I told him I would never be able to tolerate living with an alcoholic. Tonight I asked him to find somewhere else to live. I came home, he was drunk again. I cannot handle the pain. I lost my husband of 30 years on January 7, 2004. I lived through so much pain after he died and can just not handle any more. I feel guilty for not having the strength to help this man.

  166. Cynthia A April 2009 at 12:27 pm

    Love this site. I have three children and am very busy, so cannot always get to meetings.

    My husband and I met in AA. I have 13 yrs of sobriety and still attend AA but my husband told me a few weeks ago that he had been drinking on the side, staying late at work (he would drink at lunch and then stay late to have the smell wear off) and business trips (he would stay an extra day or two to drink and recover), so I am very mad. He says he is going to stay sober this time but who knows.

    I am going to start attending Al-Anon meetings once a week and get my house in order. I was mad this morning because once again everything was my fault. He does not work with a sponsor and seems to go to a meeting once a week just to keep me off his back. I am learning the hard way that I cannot change him.

    I am in the scary part of trying to see if we are going to make it. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we parted ways. I could stay if he would work a program but he just does not seem to need it or want it bad enough and is grouchy all the time. It drives me nuts that I am the only one who knows how sick he is but I am not allowed to tell him that he is affecting us or the kids when he gets grouchy or angry. I will keep coming back till I find the answers.

  167. Marie March 2009 at 9:03 am

    When I feel angry, it is usually the result of feeling victimized in some way and striking back feels like my only possible response–the only way I can defend myself. I’ve been going to Al-Anon for several years, and have progressed so that when I feel victimized I often remember to stop and check in with my HP. When I do, the results are amazing. My HP always gives me other, more creative ways to understand the situation and shows me that striking out in anger is not appropriate.

    But I don’t always remember and often say and do things I later realize were experienced by the other person as cruel. One effect of my mistakes in this area is that I am beginning to develop compassion for my parents, two alcoholics, now dead, who frightened me throughout my childhood with their anger and punishments.

  168. Michele F March 2009 at 1:50 am

    I have found that the anger I feel is supressed until it makes me ill, either physically, or else depressed (mentally ill). The tools of Al-Anon have helped me to become aware of my feelings of anger, acknowledge them honestly, and act rather than react, by talking it over with my sponsor or by calling another Al-Anon member to “run this by you”. Usually all I need to do is talk it out to find a solution. Praying–talking out with my Higher Power–and reading the conference approved literature we are so privileged to have at our fingertips–are the best tools of all, and I learned them in Al-Anon. The people in my home group offer to share their experience, strength, and hope, and I in turn learn to listen and apply this wisdom in my own life One Day At A Time–and I get to experience joy, freedom, and serenity in areas of my life that have been chaotic and unmanageable before Al-Anon.

    Thank you for this format–I get to at least 3 meetings a week just to try to stay balanced, and this helps me with the rest of the days! I really like this format–Thanks again!

  169. Blue Shadow March 2009 at 8:10 pm

    It seems that so much of “recovery” is letting God have his way. My sister is the active alcoholic in my life and I feel heartless as I told her and her husband that they would both lose if they put their little boy in the midddle of the recovery process. Rehab and separation seem so painful but losing a child is so much more painful. My daughter was killed in a car crash just before her high school graduation. I used alcohol and prescription drugs to numb me out, so I am not in any position to judge anyone.

    I can say that people need to count their blessings and move forward in recovery. If I could go back now I would not have had that Chardonay the night before my daughter was killed. I might have had “more power”, I might have been more in control, I might have been on top of my game. I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting but I am going when I find one.

    I felt bad that I was mean to my sister who desperately needs rehab. I told her that no one can make her stop drinking but her. She desperately wants love from her husband and her husband wants to control her. After getting a court order to make her go into rehab, her husband took her car keys and her computer away. I called rehab centers today, went to numerous web sites and finally came to Al-Anon. I suggested my brother-in-law do the same thing for the sake of their precious little boy.

    None of us are perfect, we all need a saviour, and for that I pray that I will get to church and receive communion tomorrow. It is daylight savings time so I have to plan ahead and make sure that I make it. Prayer really does work and God really will meet us where we are. Thank you for this site and God bless those who are lonely and suffering.

  170. Jane March 2009 at 11:12 am

    I enjoy listening and reading this forum because I am the alcoholic, in recovery by the grace of God. My husband and I are divorcing. He refused any help, found Al-Anon not his “thing.” What I like about reading the commentary is that at last I can see what he must have been thinking and why he did what he did, when I drank.

    He will not talk, will not share, has always been very silent, secretive, and controlling. Drove me crazy, because I’m an extrovert. In the beginning, I thought of myself as a “kook” and of him as the sort of straight arrow, solid dependable type. Opposites who were attracted. That is all true…but my alcoholism magnified both our flaws and destroyed the relationship. How I wish he would join me on the path to recovery but he sees no need, it is all my problem…

  171. Brandi-Texas January 2009 at 1:20 am

    In my household, anger is on the side of the alcoholic. The alcoholic in my life has a new drug of choice…called anger. He lives off of it and has settled for geographical cures, instead of working his program, and admitting that he is powerless over his intense rage. I am new to Al-Anon and find this the hardest thing to Let Go and Let God…I have had to file for divorce..again…to protect my home and belongings.

    Admitting powerlessness over the actions of the alcholoic in my life is the hardest thing I have worked on. I feel as if I go 3 steps forward…and three steps back..always finding myself working on step one..all over again.

    I listen to this podcast over and over to reassure myself that I am not the bad guy…the disease is…and that no matter what I do…I DO NOT have controll over the choices the alcoholic in my life makes. God cares, but cannot move through a hardened heart.

    Thanks for letting me share.

  172. Patty P January 2009 at 11:35 am

    Thank you for sharing.

    Working the steps with a sponsee has helped me to inventory my experiences in life to date. Al-Anon has helped me to recognize my part in my life. My emotions are a barometer of my reactions to circumstances.

    With the steps and meetings I have listened to others experience strength and hope. I have found even today with this sharing confirmed that “someone else’s feelings are not mine and there is nothing I can do about their feelings”. I still find myself trying to take “control” of circumstances especially around the holidays.

    During the holidays we are usually taken out of our regular routine and are able to experience unusual events. With these events we are able to find our buried emotions, and then from this we are able to use our tools of the program such as Prayers and meditation, and working and reworking the steps.

    I am grateful for adverse experiences as they are exercises for my life and my tools. I agree with the person that shared that physical exercise is another way to release emotions that are pent up. I am fortunate to have a workout facility within 1/2 mile of my home, and I use it at least 5 to 6 days a week. Our hormones build up on us as well, for both male and female, and “moving about” can be a benefit for our emotions.

  173. Judith January 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Anger – gave me a false feeling of power (control) over the alcoholic, a feeling that I could frighten him into behaving. It did not work. It gave me a temporary release of built up frustration but only to return worse each time. I thought if I did not show that I was angry, it was like I was agreeing with the alcoholic. I let others actions make me angry, a wrong choice. I also let the anger build up until it exploded, another wrong choice. I am now more often able to chose not to react. The anger does not help any situation and specifically, does not help me. Thank you for explaining how you learned to let go of anger.

  174. Lisa J. December 2008 at 11:54 am

    Anger to me is usually about control. Feeling controlled by others or trying to control others with it (anger)and failing miserably! I’ve been going to meetings for a while but I still have a problem with anger in certain areas in my life. I’m much better at letting it go with people outside of my immediate family and am much better at not taking it personally or trying to fix it. In my immediate family I find it much harder to admit my powerlessness over them and my feelings. I know my life feels unmanageable but I still think it’s my job to control others and defend myself from others anger. I feel overwhelmed by this job yet feel I’d be totally squished by others if I didn’t do it. I’m grateful for this podcast! I wasn’t able to make it to my meeting this week due to the weather and this is an excellent topic.

  175. Geoffrey December 2008 at 4:51 pm

    Many Al-Anons live in remote areas and rely heavily in the internet for Al-Anon contact.

    Podcasts are a great idea.

    An electronic literature download facility would also be a great idea. Postal costs from USA are very high.

  176. Ann December 2008 at 5:01 pm

    Thank-you for this type format–I am new to Al-Anon–went to first in-person local meeting last Monday and to these podcasts Tuesday & today. People like me are not as comfortable meeting in groups, this media encourages me to go back and continue with my local small group (Mon & Wed nights). Finding these pod casts have helped me…being able to listen to others experiences & hear I’m not so different. I am not an alcoholic but I have my own set of problems, that can hinder my alcoholic spouse’s sobriety. I am beginning to believe I can change and can aid my spouse, instead of adding to their stress. Al-Anon gives me resources to help me change, encouragement and the knowledge that others have gone before and overcome my same issues. Thank-you, again. And yes…God is my #1. I struggle with “letting go” and “anxiety.”

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