What Al-Anon tools help me to understand how to set boundaries?
Please share your experiences by commenting on the topic below. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest. Member sharing on the Member Blog may be used in future Al‑Anon publications.
This month we’re asking you to share on what Al-Anon tools help me to understand how to set boundaries?
My stepsons chose drugs and alcohol….My stepson in his mid 20s moved in with us. We had a family discussion and I made it clear, “One major incident, I told him he would pack his bags and NEVER stay the night in our home again.” We had a MAJOR INCIDENT. I had him pack a bag, dropped him off at a 24 hour AA and NEVER let him stay the night again. Second stepson who was almost 30, same thing. Brought drugs into our home. I dropped him off at his girlfriend’s place. From this point forward, they could visit… Read more »
Thank you for helping I have a very dear friend coming home from rehab on Monday being totally new to any of this I would like to know some things that I could do to help her stay on the right track thank you in advance
Hello I am new to the group. And blog etc. I was looking for experiences on setting boundaries and still being there for them. Going through some of blog comments now.. I’m trying to sift through everything. Thank you
It is always good to look at your boundaries. The topic was brought up in a meeting that I was chairing. I was not skillful at making boundaries with anyone until I came to Al-Anon. The meeting was enjoyable, and several people commented and shared. One comment on this site has me reading “Chapter 11” in How Al-Anon Works. I lost my identity to my child, who had become my sole focus. I learned to “detach with love.” This was a process of attending meetings and studying the literature. When we cease to live our own lives because we have… Read more »
Chapter 11 of How Al-Anon Works is my best tool regarding personal boundaries. The three section bullet items speak volumes to me. Personal Boundaries , Detachment , and Forgiveness.
The Al-Anon tools that have helped me set clear boundaries are reading literature/meetings and identifying with shares. Particularly, the Slogans have really helped me. “Bless them Change me” , “Live and Let Live” and “Quit Taking it Personally (QTIP)” are three that I say to myself a lot when dealing with my family of origin or qualifiers. Since joining Al-Anon, I have taken measured steps to untangle myself from my very toxic behaviors of rescue and sabotage. I am a double winner who was enmeshed quite deeply with two members of my family due to family tragedy, abuse and truly… Read more »
I heard in a meeting once “fuzzy boundaries gets fuzzy results.” If I set this boundary with a love one or another person in my life and I don’t stick with it. It is a fuzzy boundary, and with that I am going to get fuzzy results.
Al-Anon has had an interesting effect upon my personal boundaries. As one might expect, I have better defined boundaries guarding me from the ill-effects in other peoples’ behavior. However, I have also found that in multiple cases, my boundaries have become more relaxed. The Serenity which I have found in working my Al-Anon program has allowed me to “live and let live,” and to “let go and let God.” I am less susceptible to the snares of conflict as I accept that I cannot control other people. Additionally, the meaning which I assign to what other people say or do… Read more »
Boundaries are defined as any lines or thing marking a limit.» Prior to coming to Al-Anon, the boundaries I established were extreme, going from no lines or markings at all, to very bold lines or markings, with blurry lines and markings in between. This was making me feel either very powerful or victimized to no end. Those feelings also kept me confused and destabilized, not a very nice place to be. Since coming to Al-Anon I have learned to establish some boundaries, but this is still a work in progress. If, prior to establishing the needed boundaries, I take time… Read more »
Boundaries are a tough one for me as I actively embrace the idea that we are all connected. My first reaction is to “help” anyone who appears to be in need, to say yes to all requests, to offer my opinion on every subject. Only in Al-Anon did I begin to realize that just as the alcoholic may begin drinking to quell anxiety then become addicted, so have I become addicted to crossing boundaries to quell my anxiety. What has helped me most is Step Three – “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the… Read more »
The first tool I’ve learned is to keep the focus on myself. This means I think of boundaries as something I set for myself; the focus is on my own peace of mind instead of the other person’s behavior. An example is when I don’t want to engage in gossip. I used to try to convince others to stop gossiping. Today I just remove myself from the conversation. My experience is they still gossip, but after I’ve stopped engaging in such conversations a few times they stop trying to do it with me. They go somewhere else to gossip and… Read more »
The Slogan “Live and Let Live” teaches me that to live means that I can put what I need to feel safe, joyous, and free as a priority. Boundaries are made for me to feel okay, not to control or manipulate others to do what I want them to do. Boundaries such as, “You can live here if you are clean and sober” is an example of a boundary I’ve learned to set calmly and kindly, yet firmly, in order to feel safe in my own home. In addition, “Letting Go and Letting God” helps me to detach with love… Read more »
I would like to share on the words, ‘At last she is minding her own business’ – the words on an Epitaph, from one of our sharings in CTC. These words made me to think how much I interfere in others’ life – not allowing them to live or live my life too. So I started applying the Slogan “Live and Let Live” in all parts of my life which helped me to set my boundaries initially. Now, I express my point of view to my loved ones and just let go. I am at peace. I enjoy life.
The Slogan “How Important Is It?” Personal boundaries are important and how I convey them is important. Step 11 “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” Setting boundaries is a part of carrying out “His/Her will” for me. With quiet reflection and a connection with my Higher Power, I’m guided to what my boundaries should be and the power to convey them to my loved ones including the addicts in my life. The Slogan “THINK”… Read more »
The Slogan “Live and Let Live” helps me with this. I think back on the times that I made mistakes and learned from them. Though it can feel embarrassing to make a mistake, I would not trade those experiences because they led me to recovery. When I fail to set boundaries with my loved ones, I take from them the dignity of learning from their mistakes. A visual that helps me with this Slogan to take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side of the paper, I write down the problems of others… Read more »
As I work the program horizontally with the Legacies. I discover the power of unity instead of the powerlessness of each individual acting alone. I understand the importance of finding a Sponsor. I understanding this is a “WE” program not an “I” program. The Legacies help me to understand how to set boundaries. The Legacies are the tools. They give me the Spiritual Principles, to use in all my affairs.