Step Four
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Please share your experience, strength, and hope as it relates to Step 4. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest. Member sharing on the Member Blog may be used in future Al‑Anon publications.
The first was painful because I hated myself. I knew inside this can’t be the purpose of Step Four. Nothing I’d experienced so far in Al-Anon was so unloving. In some way, I knew I needed help because my way was punishing. I was not worthy of my Sponsor’s time and I was still trying to please her, so God did what I couldn’t. I learned about Alateen’s 4th Step Inventory (P-64) workbook at an Assembly. A speaker shared she used it with women whom she sponsored. So I bought the workbook and began. I smile today because that’s how… Read more »
I recently re-discovered the pamphlet P-18, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions for Alateen. Although written with our younger members in mind, it offers solid insight into the Steps and Traditions for members of any age. I especially appreciated the portion focusing on Step Four. In particular, this includes a set of 20 questions which are a fresh approach for doing a 4th Step. The next time I chair a meeting on the 4th Step, I will be using this pamphlet to lead the discussion.
You know, the personal and moral inventory can be daunting! It’s easy to deny that we had a part to play in the alcoholism and that maybe, just maybe, we didn’t do anything “wrong”. Thankfully, I learned through meetings that the 4th Step wasn’t about that at all. It was all about me…and my shortcomings and behaviors. I learned that I had learned behaviors (of survival) as a child that no longer worked for me. And coping behaviors that were toxic for me. Boy was that an awakening. That realization helped me dive into my character and soul with the… Read more »
Step Four encouraged me to be honest about myself. For so long, I blamed others for my unhappiness and my suffering. Step Four allowed me to see where I was lacking in participating in my own wellbeing and it gave me tools to improve. I not only identified my defects of character; I was able to identify my assets as well. I had always only focused on the negative in the past, now I could move forward implementing the positive.
This weekend I endured some nasty attacks from a now former friend, as she attacked me saying I’m a mean person and doesn’t associate with mean people. I have sat, thought, obsessed on, went to a meeting, talked and came to a reasonable conclusion, on what I have control over. I can’t control the lies and gossip she has been told, however, I can evaluate my part and see what I can do about my side of the street. I am not mean to people; I am forward, as I never want to have my message misunderstood, but I’m learning… Read more »
At my very first Al-Anon meeting, the first time my ex went to treatment, I left in arrogance. They wanted me to look at myself! I told them “Clearly, I am not the problem.” Boy, was I ever wrong. It was another twenty-six years before I went to my second Al-Anon meeting. In between those two meetings, there was a horrific divorce, a drug-addicted child, suicidal depression, and so much more drama, grief, and chaos. I had a wonderful counselor who told me, before you take your own life, promise me you will attend one Al-Anon meeting. I believe my… Read more »
The second time I worked Step 4 with my sponsor, I had revised my list to include many character assets. I had learned through my first go around that Step 4 was not only meant to highlight my character defects but to show both sides of myself to myself – the positive and the negative. Although I had a good list of assets, I shared with my sponsor that I felt like I was bragging about myself in mentioning these good qualities. She asked me if lack of self approval was on my character defects list. It was not! I… Read more »
When I first did my Step Four, a short time after coming to the program, just the idea of doing it terrified me. My sponsor helped me to calm down and made me see that I had to be brave and not afraid as “moral” simply meant that I had to look at the good as well as the bad and she added “what needed a little dusting”. She also told me that I didn’t have to dig or scrape the bottom of the barrel to find things, but I just have to have an open mind and let things… Read more »
The Bully Within. I have a bully that lives inside of me. She keeps me up late at night frantically searching for entertainment on the TV and smartphone. She craves junk food all of the time. Sugar, sugar, sugar rings in my ears. She hurts me with careless actions like banging myself on walls or doors or over exercising. I want to get up in the morning for prayer and meditation and gentle stretches and an Al-Anon meeting, but she gets in the way. I oversleep, overeat, and live in a frenzy caused by her. I only recognized yesterday how… Read more »
New Phone Story (4th Step). I had only had my new smartphone for a year when the company informed me I would need to choose a 5G phone to replace my 4G phone by end of 2021. Boy was I mad. For the last 30 years I had been fine with 2 flip phones, purchased one after the other when needed. I very reluctantly went smartphone in March 2020 but grew to like it. I put off the new 5G change until the very end and was still quite upset. The day before I made the first call to order… Read more »
Thank you so much for what you have posted. Sometimes in my recovery journey I feel so alone but the blessings of Al-Anon and the joy of recovery are always welcome to come into my life…! Thank you so very much.
Step Four is one that seemed scary, when I first came to the program. After a while, I understood its necessity in order to continue to recover in the program and giving myself the maximum of chances to become the better person that I could be. How could I grow if I didn’t get to know who I really was? By making a moral and honest inventory of myself I could uncover who I was and why I was this way. I came to realize that I was God’s child and that He loved me no matter what. However, I… Read more »
For me, Step 4 was the moment when I pivoted from focusing on what the alcoholic loved ones in my life had done/were doing and started focusing on what MY behavior and MY obsessions and MY habits were contributing to my life and my relationships. Having a sponsor who made sure I looked at character assets as well as character defects kept me open to being searching and fearless. I needed to see the good in balance with the not so good in order to be brave enough to look at aspects of myself I had spent most of my… Read more »
Step 4 allowed me to see that I had good qualities; not just character defects. When I started working this step I wrote a long list of negative things about myself. I felt as though this step was to show just how bad a person I was and what I needed to do to fix myself. I did not understand at first that I was to also list the good things about myself. This was not supposed to be an exercise in how to get rid of all of the bad things; it was an exercise in showing that although… Read more »
My 4th Step and my moral and character defects are so apparent. I have to either be aware of them after an interaction or to fight my ego during any transaction, with everybody, even with my mind’s constant chatter. Reminding myself daily of my ego faults or every minute, even every second, helps me to stop that ego dysfunction craziness and to find serenity and I can return to our common Higher Power. Abiding and walking in God’s presence is key for my peace. Walking in God’s presence has made the Al-Anon program make more sense to me. Applying the… Read more »
Step Four … Well, I got the searching and fearless but moral stumped me because I grew up in an emotionally and spiritually unhealthy alcoholic home. The morals could certainly be questioned. The Fourth Step did not ask me to change anything. An inventory doesn’t change things. My inventory is only a story of my feelings and actions from the beginning. Working this Step meant I had to become willing to trust the God of my understanding to see me through the painful process of … discovering the truth, separating my feelings from facts and my self worth without judgment.… Read more »
There are several lessons I learned the first time I worked Step Four. The usefulness of a personal inventory is one of them. I learned to pause and objectively list the facts of a situation as soon as I notice I’m beating myself up over a perceived mistake. If I catch myself jumping into guilt in response to someone else’s behavior, I use the tool of the inventory to get a more objective perspective. Perhaps the most important lesson for me is what is meant by a “fearless” moral inventory. My first attempt at a list of my assets was… Read more »
Step Four scared me. I was afraid to take an honest look at myself because I was convinced I wouldn’t like what I would find. I felt like I was a terrible person who had awful flaws. All I knew is that I didn’t want to continue feeling this way, I had to push past the fear. My sponsor and I did our Fourth (and Fifth) Step together using the second edition of Blueprint for Progress. We began by doing the self-assessment checklist at the back of the book. It was evident that I didn’t think very highly of myself.… Read more »
Step Four was a road block, when I first look at it. The road to follow was there for me, but I was putting the blocks: fear, false pride, low self-esteem, doubts, etc. I also had a long list of excuses for not doing it: no time, not quite ready, no specific way how, etc. However, I came to a point when the discomfort of being how I was, and not having answers as to why, was unbearable. This is when I knew that doing Step Four could not be put off anymore. I looked at the word “moral”, as… Read more »
“Made a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves.” The fear and/or anxiety or inability to say and do what is best for me, not having the courage and self esteem along with confusion and automatic habit of looking outside at others instead of finding me. I continued to pray to God and search within myself and ask myself how does this feel for me and talk to God and my Sponsor about it. I remember why I take my inventory to find what has been causing me pain and what and how I can feel different by seeing myself and… Read more »