A disease of losses
“My first husband died an alcoholic, but I didn’t grieve his death so much as I grieved our failed relationship and my dreams of love, happiness, and ‘til death do us part’ that hadn’t come true. I grieved with anger, resentment, and the ‘why me’s’ for years, not understanding that the disease of alcoholism had been the real problem. This disease ended our relationship and my husband’s life.”
The effects of alcoholism permeate our relationships and can complicate our grief. We mourn for ourselves, for our dreams, and for our families. If we have young children, they may already be experiencing the consequences of growing up in an alcoholic home. Even if our children are no longer living with active alcoholism, their lives continue to be affected. They may withdraw, blame themselves, struggle at school, or act out in negative ways. Our grown children may also be carrying the painful burden of the family disease into their adult lives. The very qualities that once helped them survive can later cause problems in relationships with family, friends, and coworkers. They might have trouble making decisions. They might struggle with fear and anxiety, or have difficulty maintaining intimate relationships. They often marry alcoholics or become alcoholics themselves.
Living day‑to‑day with alcoholism damages our self‑esteem. By the time we come to Al‑Anon, we may feel like we have lost ourselves. It is admirable to be considerate and attentive to the needs of others, but not at the expense of our own well‑being. Little by little, we may have neglected our own needs and instead gave all our love, care, and attention to others. We may not be entirely sure how we got to this point.
“I recognized I had not only lost what control I thought I had, but I had lost myself. The very addiction I wanted to end was being fueled by my behavior. Al‑Anon has helped me see the part I played in the nightmare I had been living in and gave me the tools to help me wake up and start living life on life’s terms, not mine. Today, I can look in the mirror and know I am reclaiming what once had been lost—myself.”