Before I attended my first meeting, I was much too focused on my alcoholic wife’s behavior and not nearly focused enough on my own. In fact, I was heavily focused on anyone’s behavior besides my own. I tried to make others live the way I wanted them to, thinking I could change them.
Despite my repeated attempts to curb my wife’s behavior through subtle manipulation, my words always fell short, and, if anything, the behavior got worse—both hers and mine. So, when I first heard the slogan “Live and Let Live,” I knew it was something I had to learn right away.
It wasn’t long before I saw some progress in myself. I still had a lot to work on, there was no doubt about that, but the constant watching and repeated attempts to control decreased. I learned that I could not control anyone else, and after a handful of meetings, even the thought of trying sounded completely ridiculous. It had never worked before, so what would make me think it would now?
I’m constantly working to get better in this area—keeping track of my own life and letting other people deal with theirs. I strive to make significant and constant progress, knowing that it will be a lifelong process. But I know if all else fails, this slogan has real-life meaning to me. It will constantly be there as a reminder that I have to take care of myself first and let everyone else do the same… if they want to. And if they don’t, that’s their choice too.
By Peter B.
The Forum, December 2022
Feel free to reprint this article on your service arm website or newsletter, along with this credit line: Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
I need to learn to embrace this too as much as I can. My husband and I have two kids, and he is an amazing dad when he isn’t drinking but he doesn’t see the impact that his drinking has on us all. When I try to talk to him, he says I micromanage him, that I control him etc – even today he barely said a word to me for 45 minutes after I wasn’t comfortable with him bringing a go-mug of beer to drive to McDonald’s for happy meals! I always think that if I say nothing I’m… Read more »
I need to learn how to “Live and Let Live”, with my alcoholic partner. I would like to attend meetings near me, where I can talk to others, to learn to cope with all of this.
Thanks for this ! My husband’s drinking is killing me on the inside. I’m so focused on what he’s doing that i’m losing myself. I need to join this group immediately.
How does one begin? I’m on a vacation trip and my husband’s drinking has been off the wall. I feel vulnerable and I am cutting the trip short in order to get home. I will find a meeting close to home
Thank you. Hits the nail on the head of living with with an alcoholic partner.
Thank you. As a newcomer this slogan will help me as I make this journey with Al-Anon. I’ve been living or rather not living as I have focused way too much of my time and energy on my husband and how unhappy I’ve been because of his drinking. I have been using his drinking as an excuse to be mad/tense because I cannot control him or his intake. Though I have tried. I’ve got a lot of self work to do and this will help knowing I am not alone.
Thank you, that was a really helpful description of how it feels for a husband to be dealing with a alcoholic wife.