My husband’s and my everyday experiences together typically involved resentments, blame, arguments, and misunderstandings. The roller coaster ride went in a circle, and it seemed we could never get off. However, once I started attending Al‑Anon, I started learning to keep the focus on me instead of constantly obsessing about others. I learned to hold my tongue and think whether or not I needed to say whatever popped into my mind, and usually I didn’t. I learned that my husband was his own person with his own ways of thinking, feeling, and acting that were different than mine. He had his own spirit and an identity of his own, and they were worthy of my respect, consideration, and appreciation. These ideas put my thinking of him and our relationship into a whole new perspective.
I use the many tools that I’ve found in the literature, at meetings, and from my Sponsor. This program has given me the chance to have a growing relationship with my husband today. Before Al‑Anon, we would have never had that chance. Today I am truly grateful for the gifts Al‑Anon has given me.
By Jessica M., Oregon
The Forum, February 2019
My husband thinks I need to drink in order to have fun. I said if you think drinking is fun then you have a problem. He is on probation. He got his 2nd DUI. It was 10 years apart, now he has no license and still drinks and drives. He says I’m not fun anymore. I said I’m not going to drink my life away because you don’t think I’m fun. We get in fights and he punches walls and makes holes and he even shoved me on the bed and he thought it was ok because it was the… Read more »
Reading all of these comments lets me know that I am not crazy. I was with my ex fiancé for 9 1/2 years. We were supposed to get married two Septembers ago. Everything was set, but I put it on hold because of his alcoholism. He is dr. Jekyl and mr Hyde when he drinks. It wouldn’t take much for him to start an argument while drunk. If I just looked at him he would angrily say, “what?!” Then off he would go putting me down for anything that he could think of. I would just sit there frozen and… Read more »
Hello, I have recently decided I would like to attend a meeting. Though I think that when I tell my husband where I’m going he will be very upset with me. I’m a little scared of his response. He’s not abusive although he is mean when he drinks. This week he’s “committed” to not drinking so would it seem out of context to go to a meeting? I feel like I’m betraying him.
My husband just drove drunk and high with me in the car. He left the car to ask directions and left our SUV in gear. It began rolling into another car. I had to jump across the console to stop it. When I confronted him he denied he was high or drunk. Denial is not a river in Egypt. I’m stunned and ready to end our marriage. I’m in a small town in Colorado on vacation. Checked there are no Alanon meetings nearby. So I am using this forum. Thanks. Will be at the first Alanon meeting I can find… Read more »
I am hopeful to read that I am not on this journey alone. My boyfriend of 20 years is an alcoholic. He will drink until he passes out then the next day pretend nothing is wrong. I have done my best to keep my kids happy and healthy and thought that it was the best to keep the family together. Today he drove drunk with my 12 year old in the car. Tomorrow I am filing for a separation. I will keep helping him however I can but I will not risk my children for his poor choices and his… Read more »
alcoholics blame others but themselves for their drinking problems they do no wrong.
Months go by and there is sobriety then out of the blue I come home from work and notice the changed speech, the eyes flickering, shifting posture – and he denies having had anything to drink. But I see it with my own eyes – then hiccups start. Then he starts saying it’s my “crazy time” again and I’m imagining all of this and his speech is not different – but it is. I’ve seen it often enough to know deep down he did drink today. And he had the nerve to get behind the wheel with me in the… Read more »
Hello, I’m dealing with the same problems. His disease makes him mean, blackout drunk 2 times a week. He says he has no problem. He has a huge problem. I’ve decided that I’ve had enough. I can’t take the abuse anymore. He is so mean! Not financially responsible for anything, can’t hold a job and just likes drinking more then anything else.
I am new to this group. So new I have not attended a meeting yet. My cousin sent me this link. However, reading has helped me a little. So my story is slightly different because my partner and father to our 1 yr old boy is addicted to alcohol, pot and sex. However, his behaviors are the same I see in here. we recently split up. I felt I was on a roller coaster. He could be super sweet and last 8 months he has just picked fights, and I am the reason he drinks and need his vices. He… Read more »
Hi everyone, This is my first time seeing this site. and I have to say, I was able to relate to so many of them. I’m engaged to an alcoholic. We have been in a relationship for the last 4 years. It has been a challenging relationship but I always thought it is because of past hurts, insecurities, feelings of abandonment or something like that. I remember telling my fiance that his behavior was strange. His mood swings would switch on and off erratically. I felt like it was a rollercoaster ride. I refused to engage with him in any… Read more »
Thanks for all the sharings. I was so hungry to get the Al-Anon program I would do anything and everything my homegroup suggested. It was suggested to start reading the pamphlets and the ODAT each day. However, when I finished reading The Merry Go Round Called denial, I was in shock. I had just swallowed so much honesty and reality about myself, our family disease and how the same play and scenario was being practiced and acted out at work too that I cried and felt so hopeless. At my next meeting, my homegroup members smiled and told me I… Read more »
My partner is an alcoholic over last six months. he blames me for everything bad happened to him in past six years, he started regretting our relationship and says bad and abusive things to me that left an impact on my mind and i felt like i am the one who puts him in this condition. i am confused about his behaviour.. does he realise when he quits drinking or it will remain with him as a bad memory? Does he ever feel that he was wrong?
We are supposed to have hope in life and our faith. I see some light between my husband’s drinking, knowing he is a good and great man with so much to offer his family. So I have hope and then it is shattered over and over by broken promises and stories about him and his past and childhood while I feel used. He makes me feel that the only thing I have to offer him is sex and cooking and cleaning and doing the things of the home he doesn’t want to do. There is no relationship anymore. There is… Read more »
My husband is an alcoholic who will not admit that he has a problem. He was recently arrested for DUI, but blames it on someone putting something in his drink. His level of denial is beyond absurd. He has damaged his relationships with our children and with me, and I can’t see staying any longer to watch him self-destruct.
I too am facing this problem. I am now finding hidden alcohol. My husband was putting vodka in his seltzer and drinking it in front of me! He admitted last summer that he had a problem and he would try to control it. Now he says he is not an alcoholic while breaking all his own “rules” for controlling it. I attend Al-Anon and counseling. I feel like I am the only one trying to help this marriage. I am resentful and angry, but I do practice lots of self-care. I am sick of the merry-go-round!
I thought we were done this time-again. He had quit drinking and pot for many years, but has been back to drinking for a while; it came down to letting him know it’s me or him staying at home but not both of us. This was 3 weeks ago then he supposedly quit and got some help. Tonight decided out of the blue to smoke pot and got wasted. Has regret. But I hate who I am because of all of this turmoil. I just want and deserve a peaceful life.
I am listening to all this. Its been a year since I discovered my husband severe problem. He almost died and I have watched him detox at home twice. I hear “I only can control my self”. “You cant’ change him”. The question in my head is, “Why do I have to live with this?” I have a choice. I love him but I have one life. Is this the way I want to live it? Questioning his every move, lonely, and in a relationship with someone I don’t trust? I don’t know. Will my leaving be the thing that… Read more »
hello all! I have been dealing with my two older sons father and his drinking for many years now. I had left him when I was 24 years old due to his alcoholism. He has progressively gotten worse over the course of 6 years. his drinking has led him into alcoholic pancreatitis. the Dr constantly tells him when hes admitted to the hospital that if he leaves and drinks again he will eventually lose function of his pancreas. He detoxes in the hospital leaves and drinks his liquor. He has had alcoholic hepatitis as well. Along with jaundice and a… Read more »
After time and time again sitting in the ER with my fiance him yellow as a banana, rehab over and over, blaming everyone in the world but himself. Mean arguments that never ends for hours. Me having a stroke. Roller coaster. He is gonna have to deal himself. Just like me. I can’t make him see. I am 56 . My health is suffering from all the drama that goes with him.
My husband has been in rehab twice and still says he doesn’t have a problem. he drinks almost daily and sleeps the evening away. I feel very lonely and depressed.