How has detachment helped with family and work relationships?
Please share your experiences by commenting on the topic below. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest. Member sharing on the Member Blog may be used in future Al‑Anon publications.
This month we’re asking you to share on how has detachment helped with family and work relationships?
I practice saying “I love you, and you got this “ to my struggling son. Then I hang up or leave.
I have learned that loving detachment includes having several outlets. For me it includes having many support systems in place. I’ve recently discovered how freeing and rewarding it is to share my feelings, frustrations and challenges with others. For years I was too embarrassed and ashamed of the situation to confide in anyone. Recently I realized (and took to heart) THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE. I have discovered that I can detach from the situation by not engaging in irrational thinking or irrational arguing. I can detach from the situation by reaching to my higher power and finding confidence… Read more »
Hi I’m new. I probably should have joined a group years ago but here I am now. I find the concept of detachment very hard. I have had episodes of not talking to my parents because they are so hurtful. I tried setting boundaries and nothing ever seems up for discussion. All they ever did was get angry with me for expressing my feelings.
I’ve been a member of Al-Anon for a few years. I still feel very much like a newcomer. Learning how to detach with love has been a great challenge that I still am learning to do. I live with an active drinker so detachment for me is going for a walk, getting to a meeting, calling my sponsor, or finding a safe-quiet space to gather my thoughts in the middle of the night. I am living with alcoholic insanity but by having the Al-Anon program it has taught me that I have a choice to lovingly detach from the situation… Read more »
I am new to Al-Anon and my son lives with me and his Dad, I get confused about detach with love and enabling. Are we enabling by putting a roof over his head food clean clothes etc or do we do these things but not engage with him ?
I have learned once again that if I’m to remain emotionally sober I cannot stray too far from meetings and my program whether they be like this, in person or reading my literature every day. I have to practice detachment every single minute of every day in order to have peace within myself and my family. I’ve heard it so many times before, now I’m living it, but just because one of my main qualifiers goes to treatment that it’s going to be smooth sailing from now on. It’s not!! I cannot keep living in reactive mode just because they… Read more »
Detachment is a vital part of my recovery and my serenity. I grew up in a household of hyper attachment. All the focus and energy was spent on alcoholic father though he lived 2,000 mi away. Everything in our lives was put on hold until my father got sober. He never did. It took me years of painful experiences to realize that I believed I had to focus on other people’s problems and resolve them before I could focus on myself. I will be forever grateful to Al-Anon for teaching me about detachment and giving me my life back. Detachment… Read more »
When I first heard the concept of detaching with love, it made sense in a logical way. I began to take steps to detach mentally, physically and emotionally… It was extremely difficult at first and setting limits and boundaries felt like just a theory. Initially, setting boundaries created friction and chaos, but as I continued to stick with it, over time things started to change in a big way. I began to feel a sense of self and the agency to make my own decisions. The emotional distance felt freeing and empowering. I began to realize that this principle was… Read more »
When I struggle with detachment, I turn inward and try to reattach to me. I can get so lost and disconnected and the reattaching helps me center myself and gently detach. It brings awareness to my feelings, which can be in complete turmoil, and helps me to realize detaching at the moment will restore my sanity and peace.
Detachment can help us find peace in problems that aren’t ours. But if we stay married to an alcoholic, it still feels like the problems are ours when they impact both of us. If we separate then detachment would be so much easier. I have felt both through trying to make the decision.
My idea and understanding of detachment has changed tremendously since I have been a member of Al-Anon. I use to detach with anger and resentment and then I was done with that person. I would put it behind me and never look back. Now I know I can detach from a person’s behavior and still love them or care about them. If I feel someone is not healthy for me I can detach from that person or situation without anger or resentment but still set healthy boundaries.
Detachment helps me in a number of ways. One of the most important for me is detachment from my own emotions. When I recognize that feelings aren’t facts I’m able to notice my emotional response without having to act on it. This form of detachment helps me remember that my reaction has more to do with what’s going on in my own mind than whatever my family member has said or done. It enables me to use our slogan “THINK” – is what I’m about to say or do Thoughtful, Honest, Important, Necessary and Kind? This quick inventory leads me… Read more »
I have a hard time with detachment but when I practice it helps tremendously.
“We can still love the person without liking the behavior.” We enabled a family member our whole lives. In our family you could not be detached or live a healthy existence and still be included, passive aggression was always woven in. Thankful for our own space, we separated when conflict reared its ugly head. Now we are reaping the negative effects of that accepted behavior and my family is divided beyond repair. Attempting to change it over the years made it worse. I am now more years past where a couple of my family members are, which has put me… Read more »
Practising detachment has given me my life back. I am still new in Al-Anon so this is a practice that has to be at the forefront of my mind at all times. Truly grateful that Al-Anon is teaching me how to detach with love and not detach from the person, just the behavior. That was a tough one for me because either I’m all in or I’m all out. Learning boundaries is what I’m learning, this is a new concept…lol. Today I practises live, and let live. I live my life and I let others live theirs. With a lot… Read more »
I needed to hear this today. Thank you for everyone sharing.
I have struggled with detachment in many ways and created a lot of my own suffering. When I think about the concept of detachment, it used to seem cold and lonely. I try to remember that detaching with love from my qualifier(s) preserves their dignity by allowing them to experience the full effect of their choices and consequences. When I detach with love, I am also freed up to better love and focus on myself.
Detachment was a new concept to me. I didn’t realize it was going to be a way to manage my controlling character defects. When I was new in Al-Anon I kept this little pamphlet close. I found that every time I looked at it I found it helped give perspective to our family situation. It also led me to examine my own behavior and my part in my problems. No small feat for a person who wanted to blame everything on someone else. It took me time to learn the concept of detachment but today I realize the amount of… Read more »
Detachment has been such an important tool in my recovery. Detachment is different than denial. With detachment, I recognize what is thrown in my path and choose consciously not to react to it. I have had to practice this with intent whenever I feel that trigger of frustration from my loved one’s behavior because my natural inclination is to pick up the rope and pull until I win. Calling on the serenity prayer with a deep breath when I feel that trigger is helpful. At first, my loved one tried harder to engage me in the fight. It came up… Read more »
This is hard for me! I sometimes need to alter the phrase to “detach with kindness” to remind myself of not just how to feel but how to act. I’m trying to remind myself that love is a verb, so being kind is a stop-gap until I can detach from my own feelings of being hurt by what I think is my qualifier’s failure to love.