How has detachment helped with family and work relationships?
Please share your experiences by commenting on the topic below. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest. Member sharing on the Member Blog may be used in future Al‑Anon publications.
This month we’re asking you to share on how has detachment helped with family and work relationships?
Detachment from the alcoholic or the family disease seemed impossible when I first joined Al-Anon. I even got irritated when the share of the meeting was on the pamphlet. I do remember things members would say: “If you can’t detach with love, you can detach with courtesy,” and “Learn to detach from yourself (or your crazy feelings or thoughts).” Minding my own business when an adult family member is doing something insane or irresponsible is detachment. Praying instead of calling up and expressing my opinion is the best kind of detachment. My new mantra is “Higher Power I surrender myself to Thee. Take care of everything.” That about covers it.
12 February in Courage to Change is giving me food for thought today. “Allow everyone to feel what they feel,” yes, I need to let everyone feel what they need to feel, AND I need to start with myself! I need to take the pause and check in with myself, acknowledge and feel what I so often want to ignore, deny and push away. When I take the time to recognize what I am feeling, I have a better chance of letting go of my obsessions to control others and convince them that my way is the right way. Pausing does give me the time to Step back-Shut up-Smile-Step out of the sandbox and allow others to live their own lives. I am so grateful to be developing these new ways of being in my world!
I practice saying “I love you, and you got this “ to my struggling son. Then I hang up or leave.
I have learned that loving detachment includes having several outlets. For me it includes having many support systems in place. I’ve recently discovered how freeing and rewarding it is to share my feelings, frustrations and challenges with others. For years I was too embarrassed and ashamed of the situation to confide in anyone. Recently I realized (and took to heart) THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE. I have discovered that I can detach from the situation by not engaging in irrational thinking or irrational arguing. I can detach from the situation by reaching to my higher power and finding confidence in me and my talents. I can and will focus my energies in positive thoughts and actions like journaling and reading.
For years I let the situation lead me instead of moving away from the situation. I recently realized that I may live with an alcoholic but I can choose to live in peace and accept that my job is not to fix the alcoholic rather it is to improve myself by gaining knowledge and wisdom. I realize detachment is a day by day journey. This road is not easy but with support it is possible.
Hi I’m new. I probably should have joined a group years ago but here I am now. I find the concept of detachment very hard. I have had episodes of not talking to my parents because they are so hurtful. I tried setting boundaries and nothing ever seems up for discussion. All they ever did was get angry with me for expressing my feelings.
I’ve been a member of Al-Anon for a few years. I still feel very much like a newcomer. Learning how to detach with love has been a great challenge that I still am learning to do. I live with an active drinker so detachment for me is going for a walk, getting to a meeting, calling my sponsor, or finding a safe-quiet space to gather my thoughts in the middle of the night. I am living with alcoholic insanity but by having the Al-Anon program it has taught me that I have a choice to lovingly detach from the situation or person and show love for myself by caring for my needs. I’m grateful for this program and learning to take it one day at a time.
I am new to Al-Anon and my son lives with me and his Dad, I get confused about detach with love and enabling. Are we enabling by putting a roof over his head food clean clothes etc or do we do these things but not engage with him ?
I have learned once again that if I’m to remain emotionally sober I cannot stray too far from meetings and my program whether they be like this, in person or reading my literature every day. I have to practice detachment every single minute of every day in order to have peace within myself and my family. I’ve heard it so many times before, now I’m living it, but just because one of my main qualifiers goes to treatment that it’s going to be smooth sailing from now on. It’s not!! I cannot keep living in reactive mode just because they are having a bad day. A major defect in me from is gossip. Today I cannot live peaceful and emotionally mature if I react to gossip. Overheard, repeated or any other way. Al-Anon is the antidote to my character defects. I know that qualifier loves me and his bad day gossip of me is his problem not mine. Detaching with love is my only answer to that particular defect as well as others! I don’t take as long to recover from a ‘slime’ as I used to but I’d rather not lose one hour or one day to it. Detachment is my answer for peace and serenity today and everyday.
On this Thanksgiving Day 2020 I’m so very grateful for Al-Anon as well as AA for any amount of recovery my immediate family has!!
Detachment is a vital part of my recovery and my serenity. I grew up in a household of hyper attachment. All the focus and energy was spent on alcoholic father though he lived 2,000 mi away. Everything in our lives was put on hold until my father got sober. He never did.
It took me years of painful experiences to realize that I believed I had to focus on other people’s problems and resolve them before I could focus on myself. I will be forever grateful to Al-Anon for teaching me about detachment and giving me my life back.
Detachment allows me to care about others without enmeshment. It has freed up immense amounts of time and energy. I have a new source of serenity because I change the things I can and accept the ones I cannot.
Detachment has been vital to my serenity during this year. Like many people, I have had some severe health and business challenges. I don’t often ask for help. I had not received much as a child and learned to make do.
But I did reach out to friends this year. I found that my friends were more focused on what was happening in Washington than on the people they actually know. I was very angry with my friends.
It reminded me of my childhood, having my needs ignored while the focus was on someone who wasn’t even present. I realized I was seeking something they could not give just as I had from my mother when I was a child. I had to accept that my politically obsessed friends for who they are.
When I see friends and family obsessively focusing on politics it is not unlike watching an Al-Anon ignoring their children while they look out the window waiting for their alcoholic to return. I was a child then and really had no choice. Now I choose to practice self-care and that often means detachment.
I make sure that I am able to leave if the friend or family member is having an obsessive episode. I also practice a lot of “you may be right”.
I change the things I can by voting, and I accept the things I cannot. I choose to find happiness and serenity whether politically obsessed friends and family are satisfied or not.
When I first heard the concept of detaching with love, it made sense in a logical way. I began to take steps to detach mentally, physically and emotionally… It was extremely difficult at first and setting limits and boundaries felt like just a theory. Initially, setting boundaries created friction and chaos, but as I continued to stick with it, over time things started to change in a big way. I began to feel a sense of self and the agency to make my own decisions. The emotional distance felt freeing and empowering. I began to realize that this principle was what I needed to apply to other relationships in my life. Rather than “go along to get along,” I had more space to think about the choices I wanted to make for myself. Trusting that a power greater than myself would take care of my loved ones so that I could detach with love is one of the greatest gifts I’ve received from the Al-Anon program and is continuing to impact my life in positive ways.
When I struggle with detachment, I turn inward and try to reattach to me. I can get so lost and disconnected and the reattaching helps me center myself and gently detach. It brings awareness to my feelings, which can be in complete turmoil, and helps me to realize detaching at the moment will restore my sanity and peace.
Detachment can help us find peace in problems that aren’t ours. But if we stay married to an alcoholic, it still feels like the problems are ours when they impact both of us. If we separate then detachment would be so much easier. I have felt both through trying to make the decision.
My idea and understanding of detachment has changed tremendously since I have been a member of Al-Anon. I use to detach with anger and resentment and then I was done with that person. I would put it behind me and never look back. Now I know I can detach from a person’s behavior and still love them or care about them. If I feel someone is not healthy for me I can detach from that person or situation without anger or resentment but still set healthy boundaries.
Detachment helps me in a number of ways. One of the most important for me is detachment from my own emotions. When I recognize that feelings aren’t facts I’m able to notice my emotional response without having to act on it. This form of detachment helps me remember that my reaction has more to do with what’s going on in my own mind than whatever my family member has said or done. It enables me to use our slogan “THINK” – is what I’m about to say or do Thoughtful, Honest, Important, Necessary and Kind? This quick inventory leads me to respond in healthier and more productive ways.
I have a hard time with detachment but when I practice it helps tremendously.
“We can still love the person without liking the behavior.” We enabled a family member our whole lives. In our family you could not be detached or live a healthy existence and still be included, passive aggression was always woven in. Thankful for our own space, we separated when conflict reared its ugly head. Now we are reaping the negative effects of that accepted behavior and my family is divided beyond repair. Attempting to change it over the years made it worse. I am now more years past where a couple of my family members are, which has put me at shut out odds again. We are at the age(s) that we should be coming together – who knows why, but drugs and alcohol has brought us to this divided state? Detachment has been easy – fabricated lies, jealousy, misguided [intentions], nobody listens, each of us knows best – ego and pride it appears will be what prevents a reunion in my situation. The hardest part of working through these steps in “family” is that only 1 or 2 people are playing the game at any given time.
Practising detachment has given me my life back. I am still new in Al-Anon so this is a practice that has to be at the forefront of my mind at all times. Truly grateful that Al-Anon is teaching me how to detach with love and not detach from the person, just the behavior. That was a tough one for me because either I’m all in or I’m all out. Learning boundaries is what I’m learning, this is a new concept…lol. Today I practises live, and let live. I live my life and I let others live theirs. With a lot of prayer… LOL
I needed to hear this today. Thank you for everyone sharing.
I have struggled with detachment in many ways and created a lot of my own suffering. When I think about the concept of detachment, it used to seem cold and lonely. I try to remember that detaching with love from my qualifier(s) preserves their dignity by allowing them to experience the full effect of their choices and consequences. When I detach with love, I am also freed up to better love and focus on myself.
Detachment was a new concept to me. I didn’t realize it was going to be a way to manage my controlling character defects. When I was new in Al-Anon I kept this little pamphlet close. I found that every time I looked at it I found it helped give perspective to our family situation. It also led me to examine my own behavior and my part in my problems. No small feat for a person who wanted to blame everything on someone else. It took me time to learn the concept of detachment but today I realize the amount of freedom it has given me.
Detachment has been such an important tool in my recovery. Detachment is different than denial. With detachment, I recognize what is thrown in my path and choose consciously not to react to it. I have had to practice this with intent whenever I feel that trigger of frustration from my loved one’s behavior because my natural inclination is to pick up the rope and pull until I win. Calling on the serenity prayer with a deep breath when I feel that trigger is helpful. At first, my loved one tried harder to engage me in the fight. It came up in a conversation recently that my loved one recognized I wasn’t fighting anymore and was confused about it. He admitted that he has perhaps tried harder to engage me in the battle because he was so used that dynamic. The battle was how he had learned to feel love from both me and from his upbringing. Today, even though frustrations still arise, there is much more peace in my family when I use the tool of loving detachment regularly.
This is hard for me! I sometimes need to alter the phrase to “detach with kindness” to remind myself of not just how to feel but how to act. I’m trying to remind myself that love is a verb, so being kind is a stop-gap until I can detach from my own feelings of being hurt by what I think is my qualifier’s failure to love.
I had a hard time detaching with love. I was so angry. My detaching was actually passive-aggressive behavior. I did catch on to how it was really supposed to go when I finally accepted my alcoholic husband for who he was and that alcoholism is a disease he would rather not have. Then, I could detach with love.
I like the Polish saying “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Detachment, at first, was hard for me. I thought if I detached from my alcoholic I was being mean.
With reading everything I could find in literature, I found I wasn’t mean for detaching with love, I was no longer enabling him or enabling my behavior. When I “Let Go and Let God” my anxiety and my worries stopped.
I heard a great prayer for detachment this past weekend from a speaker, “Bless them, Change me.”
Before detachment, I would go to the rock bottom with my qualifier. I feel like I died a thousand deaths. The thing is, they sobered up and lived like nothing happened, while I was the one that suffered the nightmares. After a particularly traumatic time in February of last year, I began turning my phone off at night and letting go and letting God. It is scary how much control I thought I had when the reality is I had zero. It was making me crazy. Now, I still have to deal with myself, my hypervigilance, and waiting around for the other shoe to drop, but “One Day at a Time” I am learning to work my program.
Learning to detach was one of the main reasons I was attracted to Al-Anon in the first place. I needed to learn that my emotions are mine and I had to learn how to own them before I could find serenity. For example, if the alcoholic in my life was having a bad day, I didn’t have to as well. I didn’t have to suddenly stop being happy: I could allow myself to be happy. I didn’t have to pretend that I wasn’t having a great day. If the alcoholic asked for my opinion on what he should do, and then he went and did the exact opposite, I had to learn not to be angry or frustrated. He could choose his course, mess up and suffer – but I didn’t have to take this personally. His choices were not a reflection on me and neither did they determine my mood.
Learning how to detach with love took a long time. First I had to learn how to have faith and hope, and how to love myself! In my early Al-Anon days, it was such a struggle! I had to learn how to work Al-Anon in all my affairs! Then gradually the spiritual part of the program kicked in – I noticed a change in my old judgemental attitude, and in my patience with the alcoholic and others who had been affected by generations of alcoholism. I slowly began to love the me in me. Then “One Day at a Time” I began to work the Al-Anon program with love deep down in my heart. Today I can detach with love and give back to Al-Anon with gratitude.
Detachment helps relieve me from the perceived obligation to fix problems that aren’t mine.
Detachment is like a diamond with many facets. It’s not reacting to someone else’s words or actions, it’s keeping the focus on myself so I am being the person I chose to be, not the one I learned to be from watching the disease at work in my family members. It’s keeping problems in their true perspective.
To be able to detach myself from others, I had to keep telling myself that every one of us has their own Higher Power to lean on and that I am not the one in control. It helps me stay focused on myself. Seeing my truths, letting go of everything I’m powerless over, and letting God do his part for me. Tradition Eleven also helped me a lot with detachment.
It was the day after Independence Day, the first time I walked into the doors of an Al-Anon meeting. I felt as if my whole world had come crashing down on me. I had spent my entire life trying my best to “fix” everyone close to me. My alcoholic father, my enabling mother, and anyone else who came into my life. In my mind, my way was the “right” way, and I thought if only I could make them all do things my way, I would be so much happier. It took many years, and many failed relationships to finally realize that this wasn’t working. All the people I loved were still the same, and I was still unhappy. I couldn’t understand why they all “chose” to make my life so miserable! Why couldn’t they all see that I was only trying to love them, and help them? How could they all be so selfish? The nerve of them all! To live life on their own terms, and not mine! Of course, I see now, after two years in the Al-Anon program, just how ridiculous those thoughts were.
Al-Anon literally saved my life. I had spent years as a “perfect” daughter, wife, mother, and friend. I designed my life to have the “perfect” husband, the “perfect” suburban home, and two “perfect” children. I adored my children and loved being a mother. It meant I could be the boss, and these little people would do things my way, or else! My life looked so good on the outside, but it all came crumbling down around me when I learned that my 26-year-old “perfect” son was an addict. My “golden child,” as his older sister always called him. My high achiever, beautiful, star athlete. So intelligent, and talented that he graduated top in his class as a Navy air traffic controller. The one who could do no wrong in my eyes. My heart shattered the night I got the news that he was homeless, 2,000 miles from me, married to another addict, and had lost his Navy career. All, within two years’ time. How could this happen to a child that I raised?! Didn’t I love him enough? How could I not see this coming? Looking back, I did. I just didn’t want to admit it. I was in denial. After all, he was a “perfect” child. The boy I had longed for to complete our family, even though my husband wanted no more children. I wanted a perfect little boy who was going to make me happy, and as I remember telling my husband, would “change the world.”
Little did I know he would be changing my world 26 years later when his addiction brought me into the doors of Al-Anon.
Since then, I’ve learned that detachment is not selfish, but an act of love. It’s allowing my son to live his life in his own way, facing whatever consequences his life brings. It’s loving him, not his lifestyle. Detachment has allowed me to focus on my husband, my daughter, my grandchildren, and most of all, myself and my Higher Power. It allows me to set boundaries. My relationships have flourished because I have learned to accept others as they are and work on changing myself. Even my relationship with my son is better. Although I still haven’t heard his voice in over two years, he texts me on holidays. He tells me his life is better now. He just turned 30, still married, still 2,000 miles away. I hope they have both chosen recovery. I accept them, and love them, even if they haven’t.
I recently celebrated my 57th birthday and two year Al-Anon birthday. A few years ago, I obsessed all day about whether or not I would receive a text from my son. So much so, that I never enjoyed anyone else in my life or my special day. Al-Anon and my wonderful Sponsor have helped me to see that I deserve to be happy, whether my son is still using or not. This year was different. I spent my special day enjoying my family and being grateful for those around me. You can only imagine how surprised I was to answer my front door to receive a huge bouquet of roses from my son and his wife! The card read, “Surprise! We hope these make you feel as wonderful as you are!”
Slowly, my relationships with those around me are getting better thanks to Al-Anon and practicing detachment. Letting others live as they choose to, and loving them just as they are. It took my son’s addiction to bring me through the doors of Al-Anon. And, by doing that, he changed my world.
“Detach in any way you can for now. Detaching with love will come in time,” said my sage Sponsor. Detach – what do you mean, how do you do that, and how will anything get done? I am a manager – I manage processes, transactions, health, people, and cats! I’m resourceful, detailed, and smart. And if you really cared about me, and you, and everything else, you’d…
I detached in desperation. I’d tried everything. It would get better for a time, then it just kept getting worse. I ran away and detached from a distance. I detached in a fog. I detached in anger. I detached in heartache. My pain is physical and ran so sharply and deeply through to my spirit. The alcoholic, and the craziness, and the whole jumbled mess of me and you, and it, and them, and emotions. My emotions.
My emotions and fears about tomorrow and regrets for yesterday, the ‘only ifs’ and ‘shoulda woulda coulda.’ My mental obsession and anguish: It keeps me up at night, distracts me from focusing on me. I detach with ice cream.
I can’t fix it. Because nothing I could ever do or say will bring him back. And I don’t want to lose our son. So in desperation, I detach. And now in love I detach. It’s messy still but that’s ok.
When I detach, he has room to breathe and live, and make mistakes, and feel the pain, and do the things that we did that are so scary, and that are way worse in this day and age, and have the consequences. The unspeakable could happen: He could die. I’m not in control, but I desperately want to control this. I’m powerless: I pray-walk-chant.
He has his own Higher Power that is absolutely crazy about him. Just like my Higher Power is absolutely crazy about me!
Minding my own business and taking care of me and my here-and-now-one-foot-square that I am standing on right here, right now, is hard! Minding my own affairs in a more loving and kind way? Caring about me a little bit more, today.
In choosing me, I don’t not choose you, but I choose me.
Sometimes I am present enough to say, “I’ll think about it,” or “I can’t do that right now.” “No” is still tough. I call someone else, or distract myself or, “I’m taking a break and I’ll be back,” Or I will just be quiet. Go for a walk. It feels like I’m still new at this and that I “should be further along.”
Then sometimes I notice I’m humming or smiling: It feels pretty good to be me.
You are my tribe: I love you!
Detachment was not easy for me to grasp and even harder to put into practice. Still today it doesn’t necessarily come naturally. I have had, and still can have, issues with control and trust. So detachment goes against the grain at times.
Lately, I looked in a children’s dictionary the meaning of “detach” and “attach,” as they were, in my mind, somewhat contradictory. How can you be attached and detached at the same time? One definition of “attach” is, “to join and fix one thing to another.” However, if you are attached to someone, you are very fond of that person. I don’t want to be joined or fixed to somebody I love, or anybody for that matter, as it would be strenuous and demanding, as well as invasive. However, I can be attached to a person because I am fond of him or her. This in my mind answers to “detachment with love.” Detach says, “to separate one part of something from the rest of it” and this made sense. I can separate myself from the disease, which is one part of who my son and all the other alcoholics in my life are, but love the person behind the disease, which is the rest of who that person is. Detachment, seen this way, has put me back on track, as sometimes I go backward!
Sometimes, my emotions get in the way and I can’t quite separate the person from the disease. I could then go off my program and this is not always a pretty picture. I have made great progress in that area of detachment and for that, I am really grateful. When I feel that detachment is at risk, I remember that one of the great lessons that I learned coming to the program is: “Mind your own business.” Detachment ties in with this minding my own business as, when I do so, I detach from the problem, not from the person of whom I am very fond of!
I certainly used “detach with love” many days during this Pandemic. Living with a man that suffers from the disease of alcoholism most of my life has been very challenging. Never mind throwing in a pandemic.
Many days I had to walk away while trying to remember to think before I speak and that all humans deserve respect.
I have learned through Al-Anon that detaching with love from my son, allows me to have a relationship that doesn’t revolve around manipulation and control.
I can walk away and turn my loved ones over to my Higher Power.
At work, I can walk away remembering everyone deserves a right to their opinion and that I shouldn’t take things so personally. That’s detaching to me.
After I’ve run a situation through the Serenity Prayer and determined what’s mine to change, detachment has helped me let go of what belongs to my Higher Power. Detaching from others’ thoughts, feelings, and actions prevents me from taking things personally. I can better focus on my feelings and needs; do the next right thing to bring myself back to serenity. The ability to detach has helped me let go of my mothers enabling of my older half-brother and focus on my limits and boundaries so that I do not repeat the same generational patterns.
Good day,
With the pandemic still with us, I find I have to detach from myself. The staying at home etc. is getting tiresome and I need to back off and take a good look at myself and evaluate what I can do to make my life more interesting. The Al-Anon zoom meetings are a tremendous help and phone calls to friends are a bonus. Creating a gratitude list and giving myself some credit for addressing health issues. Like a lot of other people, I am looking around to see what needs to be done around my house and that is a help. Also, I just adopted a 2-year-old kitty from the Humane Society.
During the Covid-19 pandemic, my family like many others has undergone many stressors. Being unable to visit out of state family as often as we would like, and being at home more often than not, has made it more important than ever to work my program in order to maintain harmony. The isolation is greater even with a zoom meeting.
One of the most difficult situations I have found myself in is that my husband is not attending any Twelve Step program since the shutdown. I am trying to detach from this decision on his part but it is difficult. I am noticing that we never have been able to “talk program” together and it really has been one-sided. I just did not notice it so much when I was always going out and about to meetings and other Al-Anon activities. Now the reality of how little we share program-wise seems a vast space.
I have been in the program long enough to know I cannot change anyone but myself, and I have to detach from my desire to change my loved one. He is a good man. We have a good life. But he is a sick man too. He is sober today. All we have is today. I am no longer brought to my knees with sorrow, fear, and panic when he does not go to meetings. I know those feelings are rolling around inside me. Keeping involved in my program reminds me to stay in my own lane. I will no longer tolerate unacceptable behavior and will never go back to where I was without my program. What he does is his business. Today is mine and I will focus on what is and not what if.
This is such an important topic. This is the third time in a row that this topic has come up and coincidentally I really need to practice it. I always see this as a sign from my Higher Power; wanting me to start working on “detachment with love.”
It’s really very difficult, but before Al-Anon, I didn’t even think that such an idea could coexist in the chaos of an alcoholic home. But Al-Anon is so full of miracles! I have not only seen this work for many but also experienced it myself. When I detach with love, I get to have my peace of mind and I am restored back to sanity. I have let the problem or whatever it is that’s troubling me go, and thus have more time and energy left for myself and my well-being.
So thank you for this topic and I am forever grateful to this program. Thanks for letting me share!
Detaching wasn’t difficult for me, because I was doing it all wrong. When I needed to detach from my son, something didn’t feel right. Al-Anon helped me not pick up the rope. Going to meetings helped me to let go, or be dragged. Things are better, then they were, but not great. At least I have some tools to work with. I understand it’s progress, not perfection.
When I learned to accept that my reality wasn’t the same as my alcoholics, I was able to detach with love and focus on my self-care. I walked, went to meetings, read, listened to podcasts. I even bought noise-canceling headphones so I could watch shows on my iPad while he used the TV. He has slowly come to realize that no one enjoys him in that state. If he wants to be a part of my life he needs to work on change.
I first thought detachment meant a rejection of someone if their behavior was unacceptable. Eventually, I learned detachment is flexible and moveable and should, each time, be courteous.
Our son grew up as I did – the sibling of an alcoholic and, like me, he was seriously affected by the family disease of alcoholism. As a child, he gave up competing for attention and became withdrawn and angry. I meddled in every part of his life so I could fix him. Years later we became estranged. He remained angry and resentful and was in and out of jail. I knew I had to detach otherwise he couldn’t learn. Several years later, our son ended up facing possible prison or most probably jail. He called us crying. Detachment helped me listen with courtesy, concern, empathy, and love. It allowed me to understand he wasn’t asking for help. He was calling me just to be heard. I was able to make amends by giving him my undivided attention and to listen deeply to him instead of trying to fix his problem. Detaching was not easy. It felt as if I was amputating a limb. I cried often but I had to let go and let his Higher Power take care of him.
He did go to jail. He asked us to take care of his daughter while he was there. This was a chance to make amends to my son. When he left jail he said it was the best thing to happen to him. He has established a lucrative mechanics business. He is a loving single parent and must work long hours to put a roof over their heads. Without detachment, I could have robbed him of that gift.
Three years ago, he asked us for help with his daughter while she is in school. I was given another opportunity for amends. As he, my husband, and I decided on boundaries and ground rules, he communicated as an adult. It was Concept Ten in action. He trusted us because there was no longer a price to pay when he asked for help. There was no judgment. No condescension. No derision. No disparagement. No manipulation. Instead, he found courtesy, respect, acceptance, and love.
Now he and his daughter come over to eat or just so he and his dad yammer on about tools and cars. My son and I have agreeably decided we can be around each other about 15 minutes before we start getting on each other’s nerves. I can detach from what I want our relationship to be and enjoy what we have. When he comes over we talk a bit and then I sit quietly in the room grateful to hear he and his dad talk excitedly, laugh, and enjoy each other. This is another amends.
Detachment has allowed me to see my son with new eyes. It has allowed him to find his own way. It has allowed him and his dad to enjoy each other, and it has allowed me to be free of my supercilious manipulations in his life. Detachment has been a gift.
I used to think my happiness and well-being depended on other people and what they were doing or not doing. I was on a roller coaster, but it wasn’t a fun roller coaster! When I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting, I was introduced to the idea that I could choose my own happiness no matter what anyone else was choosing. What? How freeing that was to me. I have learned that it is completely possible (and very healthy) to love others deeply, while still allowing them to make their own choices and have their own dignity. It is also possible to be happy and fulfilled, even if everyone around me is falling apart. Learning this valuable lesson is one of the many reasons I am a grateful member of the worldwide fellowship of Al-Anon.
I heard about detachment at my very first meeting but interpreted it as meaning I needed to physically detach from my alcoholic. I’m so glad I continued attending meetings and was able to understand the “with love” part. Detaching with love meant I could continue loving the person while accepting that I had no control over their actions and need not be responsible for them.
I struggled with the idea of detachment. Most importantly I struggled with love vs detachment. How can I love someone and detach? Thankfully I learned that detachment does not just mean turning your back on a person. It just means that there are things and actions out of our control and we need to remove ourselves sometimes for our own emotional and physical health. So when my alcoholic drunk-texts me all night saying harsh words I can block the number for the night and sleep soundly. I can still love them while choosing not to be an emotional punching bag.
One of the things that helps me with loving detachment is to see the illness and the person as two separate entities. It allows me to separate the illness from the person, which has many times saved me from acting out of fear, anger, or hurt toward someone I love. Replacing thoughts like “my partner is unkind” or “my mother abandoned me” with “the illness is unkind” or “the illness abandoned me” offers me serenity. “I cannot have my actively drinking daughter in my home” when replaced with “I cannot have the illness in my home” frees me to make choices that might otherwise be clouded by emotion. I find I can live with, and even love, the people suffering from alcoholism, even when the alcoholism causes them to do things that are unlikable. I honor myself and my serenity by recognizing that the illness is not the person, and the person is not the illness. Forgiveness comes much easier that way…for both myself and those in my life that suffer.
One of the many ways the family disease of Alcoholism affects me is absolute confusion regarding where I stop and other people begin. Even from a young age, I had the notion that entering a relationship with someone meant that I was all in, forever! Understanding boundaries was a completely foreign concept, and I naturally assumed that loving someone meant being totally intertwined with their behaviors, attitudes, and choices…which left me with little ability to understand any of my own. Learning about loving detachment in Al-Anon and working the Steps has given me a road map back to myself, which in turn, has allowed me to truly love my loved ones again (without judgment, criticism, or all that fear). I do not have to choose to take everything personally or to accept unacceptable behavior, but I can choose to set boundaries from a place of compassion and acceptance (even though it is still often confusing and uncomfortable) for myself and my loved ones. I can also lovingly detach from my own shortcomings and tired worn-out behaviors. I can make new choices at any time that are different from past ones. Detachment=acceptance=serenity. Grateful for all the many tools Al-Anon offers to help me make progress; I couldn’t learn this alone.
I have had to detach from my entire family to have peace in my life.
Hearing about detachment in my early meetings was one of the elements that gave me hope. It sounded as if I could leave behind the turmoil of trying to manipulate my family members and have some space for myself. I detached at first like slicing with a knife but you kept talking about detachment with “love.” I eventually figured out how to be loving about it and that that kind of detachment counteracted my controlling tendencies, leaving me more peaceful. My family members were grateful for what I was learning and practicing from my Al-Anon meetings.
Now I laugh when my husband, who has a program of his own, detaches from me rather than getting involved in saving me from my mistakes or being drawn into my schemes. Part of me wants him to help me with what I need to do myself and another part appreciates being left to my own solutions.
If I can detach from others, especially when in an uncomfortable situation or an uncomfortable conversation, then my emotions might not get the best of me.
Just biting my tongue, keeping my mouth shut, could be all it takes.
But when my emotions get involved then it’s likely I’ll get angry, feel alone and desperate, maybe even resort to violence.
In my goal to hang on to Al-Anon’s gift of serenity, I need to stay away from those destructive emotional reactions. So, detach!
Conversely, work and interaction with other people can give me something else to focus on (perhaps obsess over) and aid with my detachment from the alcoholic!
Thanks for this topic and the incentive/opportunity to reflect on it.