How do you demonstrate love when detaching ‘with love’?
When dealing with alcoholism, we may find ourselves close to resentment, feeling irritable and unreasonable without knowing it. July’s blog topic is, “How do you demonstrate love when detaching ‘with love’?”
As always, you can also write about Al‑Anon’s three Legacies. This month features Step Seven, Tradition Seven, and Concept Seven.
Sharings on the Member Blog may be used in future Al‑Anon publications.
New topics are being added each month!
Thank you so much for your description of your feelings. Being another “more sensitive than the average bear”, it really spoke to me. Spot on!
Detachment for me is about watching my thoughts and feelings without giving them power over me. If my thoughts & feelings overwhelm me I remove myself from the challenge. I have been known to “suddenly need the bathroom” because no one can follow me there😉 It’s all about protecting my serenity, I can always make my needs known tomorrow, or when I am calm and in control of me. It’s not about detaching from anything else. My thoughts and feelings are for my consideration only. I have felt a lot of hurt and rejection but I see now I am… Read more »
When entering the rooms of Al-Anon just 4 years ago (time flies, healing happens), I knew that detachment was what I needed to learn. I latched onto slogans shared in meetings. Slogans are quick access tools to serenity at a moment’s notice. Proven fantastic tools. Simple, Peaceful, and Loving. DETACH: Don’t Even Think About Changing Him/Her Walking into Al-Anon I knew I was looking to learn how to cope myself, knowing I had no power to change [the alcoholic]. I had learned that the hard way already. This slogan was the perfect reminder. THINK: is what I want to say Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary,… Read more »
The best way I have found to demonstrate love when detaching with love has been through my tone, choice of words, and actions. I do my best in practicing the use of kind and calm words. I speak respectfully and lovingly even when I am setting limits for myself. For example, I can say to my loved one: “I care about you deeply, and I will not argue when you are drinking.” I can also set boundaries without setting ultimatums. These boundaries are for my self-respect, not punishment. For example, I can say to my loved one: “I will go… Read more »
First and foremost, I find I need to practice showing the love in “detaching with love” towards myself FIRST. Asking myself, what is the most loving way I can choose myself, care for myself, acknowledge myself in this moment? Al-Anon has taught me that sometimes the most loving thing I can do is set a boundary, is to speak up for myself calmly and truthfully (vs. be a doormat and fawn, in order to not rock the boat) and most importantly, to acknowledge to myself and to a safe and trusted other, the reality of the situation. Denial (don’t even… Read more »
I held onto a tremendous amount of guilt around my son’s drinking. Detaching meant releasing myself from that guilt. We made decisions for him originally – got him into a mental hospital and then into a rehab. We welcomed him home after rehab and set boundaries – he had to work, he could take classes nearby, he had to follow the court orders around his DUI, and that included AA meetings. But all of that can only go so far. He has to “do the work.” The greatest gift I received was Al-Anon – and my own healing. I learned… Read more »
I can and am learning be kind, gentle, calm, courteous, polite, and respectful to everyone regardless of what I think about them, how they live their lives, and without giving criticism, advice, offering assistance, or doing what they can do themselves. I detach by focusing on my own feelings, needs and thoughts, and do what I need to do to feel serenity, peace, safe, connected to Higher Power. That is a full time job that keeps me detached from others’ job of taking care of themselves. I use the Steps, meetings, slogans, and literature to work on surrendering and admitting… Read more »
When I first heard about detaching with love, I understood the detachment part but didn’t know how I could do it with love. Having been married to an alcoholic for several years, with two children, anger and resentment were the emotions that I felt most often. But detaching felt good and healthy. After struggling for a time with the love aspect, I came to the realization that I could detach with love for myself. This worked for me for a long time, as I needed plenty of self-love! I continued to recover in Al-Anon, learning more about the disease, and… Read more »
My mom is a recovering addict, my brain since I was young (as a way to cope with the verbal abuse) has caused me to dissociate. I don’t feel love for her (I just feel neutral) but I do care, she always made me feel that there is something wrong with me. But through my studies I learned that I was just trying to cope to the best of my abilities (she couldn’t understand why we don’t have a close bond). But after she learned (in a letter which I wrote to her in response to a letter she wrote… Read more »
Reading in our CAL that “detaching with love” means detaching from the problem not the person has helped me understand how to do it. I recognize that the problem is theirs to solve and continue to love, accept, and comfort the person no matter what choice they make.
Q: How do I demonstrate love when detaching ‘with love’? I admit, sometimes I don’t, won’t, or can’t … can’t because I won’t admit that I don’t feel or want to love in that moment. I want to escalate, I want to respond, I want to defend and stand my ground. I heard in my Al-Anon Family Group that someone can choose to “detach with détente” as an alternative; meaning, even though I decide to detach, at the same time exercise some self-care by letting go of my emotions, de-escalate tensions, and calling a self-imposed “truce”. My intuition was to… Read more »
A situation arose when a friend and I were planning a meal, and after we agreed on a menu, she sent me numerous suggestions that were not what we had agreed on, clearly wanting me to do what she was suggesting. I was frustrated. So. I try to remember that the other person means well, is doing the best she can, even if I don’t want to do what they’re suggesting. I also try not to react personally. This is difficult for me, because my initial reaction is to feel annoyed that she wants me to do it differently than… Read more »
I am very new to dealing with and loving an alcoholic, but I’ve quickly had to learn what “detaching with love” can mean and look like in my own relationship and situation. It’s meant letting them repeatedly fall and get up. It means being there to support them when they ask and trying really hard not to insert myself and my own concerns. It’s often had to mean drawing hard lines in the sand and setting boundaries that they dont necessarily like hearing or react well to. Most importantly, it means focusing my attention back to myself and my own… Read more »
I realised last week that detaching with love is just too big a step for me. When I am suffused with anxiety, I am not capable of loving anyone as I am full of fear.
Detaching with calmness is my current aim, as I can calm myself down when I am in fear and despair, through prayer, calling my Sponsor or fellow member.
From my calm centre, I find tenderness and care towards my alcoholic and a loving detachment beginning.
Don’t make comments on what goes into or comes out of his mouth!
Packing items for his nighttime comfort food of toast: toaster, loaf of bread, butter, plastic knives, to hotel during hurricane evacuation.
It is a markedly higher art form to love while detaching with love. As a newcomer, the thought was so foreign to me I couldn’t make it make sense until I learned to love the person and not become entwined in the disease. I cannot take away, fix or change my loved one’s journey in their disease. That loving gaze from afar and not becoming overwhelmed with my innate desire to “help” them was not easy at first. I learned I can do more harm to them and to me by interfering than letting it take its natural course. I… Read more »
I used to think that I was responsible for everyone’s feelings and how they reacted. I wanted everyone to be happy. Today, I allow those I love to take responsibility for their own decisions and well being. I give them the dignity to experience life and learn. I support them through success and disappointment. I remove my discomfort from the situation and work my Al-Anon program. Al-Anon’s “Detachment” Pamphlet has taught me to love others where they are, not where I would like them to be. I’ve also learned to make my own decisions not seeking approval. I can also… Read more »
When I first came to Al-Anon, I thought that if I could just get through to the alcoholics in my life, if they could just see and do what I knew would be the best things for them, that we could all be happy and sane. But as I stayed in program, I realized that the way I see things is not always the way others see things, or even in their best interest. Let’s be honest… the way I thought things should be were not always in MY best interest! I finally realized that I needed to let go,… Read more »
After years in Al-Anon, I’ve gotten pretty good about detaching with love and not offering unsolicted advice or opinions. But there was that one person who refused to recognize, much less respect my boundaries. There were recurring crises and constant demands for money. Saying “no” or something like, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out” had no effect. Finally after years of allowing myself to be the victim, I had to tell this person that I was blocking his phone numbers and email addresses and not to contact me again. That felt like detaching with an axe, but the program also… Read more »