I used to think, how am I possibly going to “unlearn” all these bad habits? In hindsight, I realize that I didn’t have to unlearn anything but had to re-learn how to listen and accept myself as I am. As with everything in Al‑Anon and Alateen, I cannot do this alone and it’s not enough to just go to meetings.
Not everything can be shared in the Al-Anon meeting; this is why I need a Sponsor. I need a true confidante. I found a Sponsor by listening to what was being shared in the meetings and through fellowship after meetings. Another person’s words matched my experience; they drew me to ask this fellow Al-Anon member to be my Sponsor. I identified with so much of what this person said. I knew that working the Steps with this member would only benefit me. It takes time to understand this program. My Sponsor helps me to understand me!
Sue P., Associate Director—Group Services
Share with us your experience of finding a Sponsor using the Comment section below.
I had 3 very successful sponsorship relationships in this fellowship and 2 that were not. The difference between those that worked and those that didn’t involved service. My sponsors who were active in service were my successful sponsorship relationship versus the 2 were not. Also they personally took an interest in me and guided me to a step or tradition they felt would help. Trust began on both sides and the rest became history.
Thanks for the good sharings on sponsorship.
I’ve been in the program just over 20 years.
My last wonderful sponsor loved me unconditionally and really helped me learn to trust maybe for the first time.
Unfortunately she’s had several major strokes and is active but because she can’t read now she’s left the program. I’m so sad.
Several great women in my local group appealed to me who work great programs. I’ve asked each one would they sponsor me and been turned down. They have too many sponsees, not enough time, I’ll spouses, etc.
Even some of our newcomers can’t find a sponsor. I’m not the best sponsor but I can’t sponsor anyone else unless I have a sponsor.
I attend meetings at least twice a week and have a service sponsor. Lately I can’t depend on her returning my calls. (I don’t call often.) She used to be very thoughtful about this. It confuses me.
I’m going to another group nearby and see if I might find someone.
Sometimes I think it’s me. That’s scary.
I’ve been told by some good, blunt women in the group I work a good program but I do miss having a sponsor.
I found my sponsor by trusting the signs given to me. The meetings in my local area pass around a sign-in sheet at every meeting. One column in the sign-in sheet is titled, “Willing to Sponsor?” I paid attention to the women who wrote, “Yes”, listening for the qualities I wanted to grow in myself: peace of mind and the ability to live in harmony with an alcoholic spouse. One day, one of the women I was drawn to wrote an enthusiastic, “Yes!” on the sign-in sheet. I took that enthusiasm as a sign that today was the day and she was the one I was meant to ask. I nervously approached her after the meeting and she literally accepted the invitation to Sponsor me with open arms. Years later, she is still my Sponsor and I know in my heart she loves and accepts me unconditionally. We’ve had some tough, honest conversations about our relationship, and she’s still here. My recovery would not be where it is today without her consistent love, support and encouragement. I’m grateful beyond words for my Sponsor and this program!
When looking for my first sponsor, several people suggested that I “go with a winner”. I laughed inside and thought to myself, “gee, if I knew how to pick a winner, I would have no need for Al-Anon”. After a seemingly fruitless search, an old-timer took me aside. What he said boils down to a few words: “find somebody who has what you want”. Immediately, I knew who to ask. There was a man who visited our group from time to time who appeared to be comfortable in his own skin and at ease with other people. That sense of ease and comfort was what I wanted. I sought it all of my life by attempting to manipulate people and control outcomes. This man was achieving that sense of ease and comfort by working the Three Legacies of Al-Anon. The next day, I visited his home group. Afterward, I asked him to sponsor me and he immediately agreed. After some years, we parted company on friendly terms, after which I used that same formula (i.e., “find somebody who has what you want”) to find my second sponsor. Then, some years later, I used that same formula to select my third sponsor. This formula has worked well for me and I regularly share it with newcomers who ask me how to find a sponsor.
My sponsor is actually the person who brought me into the fellowship. I had confided in her the struggles I was having in my second marriage. Through our conversation, I revealed my first husband had been an alcoholic. She gently shared her own story of recovery from the family disease and encouraged me to attend Al-Anon. Although she lives several states away, we have a scheduled phone call weekly and we text between calls. Her 30+ years of Al-Anon experience, strength and hope have been invaluable to me in my own recovery. Her gentle, persistent, loving Al-Anon guidance have provided me with a wonderful example for the people I now sponsor. My progress in the program has been helped immeasurably by having a sponsor.
When I arrived at the doors of Al-Anon I was so numb and I din’t realize how much pain, anger, and resentment I was carrying. I didn’t speak/share for the first 9 months of attending meetings. It took me 2 years attending 3-4 meetings a week to ask my sponsor for her guidance and she said yes. My sponsor is the most precious gift my higher power has given me in this program she is my confidant my biggest cheerleader. My sponsor is a person of integrity and I didn’t know that such a person existed in the world. The only way I feel I can repay her is by being the best person I can be and pay it forward. She’s an Incredible example to me.
I am so blessed to have found Al-Anon and my sponsor.
When I crawled into my first Al-Anon meeting it was suggested that I get a sponsor as soon as possible. I got a temporary sponsor, and then started looking for a permanent sponsor. There was one woman in particular whose sharings I could not stand! She shared at every meeting, and I would swear under my breath. All I wanted was for her to shut up! As I got healthier through regular meeting attendance and working with that temporary sponsor, I began to realize that this woman was saying things I needed to hear; I just didn’t want to. So I asked her to be my sponsor. She said yes. She was my sponsor for 25 years, until her death. She continued to say things I did not want to hear. And I got healthy. She used to say that if she could tell St.Peter at the Pearly Gates that she had helped just one person, she knew she would get into Heaven. I would put up my hand and say, “Here I am.” I knew my second sponsor for many years, and impulsively turned to her at a Workshop and asked her if she would sponsor me. I hadn’t even thought about it. I acted on impulse. She also said yes. That was six years ago, and the sponsor-sponsee relationship has continued to bless me.
I heard at meetings that you should listen to people share and then ask someone. I was very distrusting, especially of women. I was arrogant, but desperate. I was ready to work the steps and “needed” a sponsor for that. I finally had the courage to ask and she said “yes”! My Higher Power had so much more for me. That single “act” of asking for help and being vulnerable, has changed my life. I not only got to work the steps, but my sponsor relationship healed my distrust for women, so I can be more open and trusting today. She has been a great example of a trusted servant and today I continue to follow in her footsteps in service. I would not have the courage to do what I am doing today, if I had not taken that leap of faith. I am so grateful to her and this program.
My program started the day I walked into my first meeting. I listened, learned, applied slogans and what I had learned from other members during our meetings and I started seeing my life change. But it was when I started to work with a Sponsor that my recovery took off. To have someone guide me is invaluable and I learned to trust. In turn, my Sponsor has helped me learn to love and respect myself.
I have been in Al-Anon 3 years. Although I found it helpful to attend one meeting a week, read my literature and chair a meeting once a month, it was not until I searched for a Sponsor that I saw real change. I had to persevere because the first 3 people I asked said they were too busy, inexperienced, etc. But I wanted to grow. My Sponsor has helped me the past 2 years to take care of myself, detach with love from toxic family, and been a true friend. Now I go to 4 meetings a week and am a Group Representative at my meeting.
I begrudgingly got a sponsor after hearing several times from a member/friend “Get yourself a sponsor!” I did and worked the steps with her. 12 years ago and often away from my home meetings we did the steps and used faxing when necessary. I am so grateful that today after 10 years, we attend the same meetings and I still have someone to emulate even if I am not struggling with an issue. She loves unconditionally and I continue to observe and learn from her.
I was never satisfied with what I call “traditional” sponsorship. I wanted to be able to figure it out for myself, but I couldn’t find anyone to teach me how, so I gave up. Since I didn’t have a good model, and my defects of character included intolerance and needing to be superior, I also was not a good sponsor.
Ten years ago my Higher Power showed me a method of studying that to this day I’m grateful for. I’ve been changed into a kind, tolerant, patient sponsor. I have a personal relationship with my Higher Power. My sponsees have also been changed. Our growth continues as we sponsor more people. We want to sponsor and people want us to sponsor them. We do service, and we want to carry the message.
The process is easy and definitely a principles-above-personalities method. We use the literature and read and share.
No sponsor taught me what we have today, but it was in our wonderful program all along to be found by someone searching for it. Thanks Al-Anon!
Hello,
I am new, and haven’t found a sponsor yet. I am looking for insight on this one…
I have been in the program for a long time and have had two amazing sponsors. Unfortunately my last sponsor had been going through a lot with the passing of her husband and prior to that was absorbed with his progressive illness. I found she was not there for me when I turned to her for guidance in the past two years. I asked a past Delegate in our Area to be my service sponsor and have been blessed with her guidance and wisdom. I don’t need someone to hold my hand anymore, but I am aware that I need to always keep my program in check and continuously work on the steps and be active in service so that my old way of thinking doesn’t cloud my judgement and my program.
When I was a newby to Al-Anon, I heard the comment about getting a sponsor. At that time I was so broken, I would do anything suggested to me. Al-Anon speak was as foreign to me as a dead language. During my second or third meeting I asked 2 women to be my sponsor. One who had very similar experiences as me. The other because I knew a little about her story and had great respect and could relate to her. The woman whose experiences were like mine, went to juvenile court with me and other related appointments concerning my 2 sons. The other became my confident, and eventually, we worked together.
The presence of these 2 women in my life were put there by my HP. I didn’t choose them, my HP did. He was doing for me what I was unable to do. They accepted me just as I was. Angry, full of questions, in pain, energized by my situation and just plain helpless. Toady I’m coming up on 37 years of recovery and am so thankful for their presence in my life.
I’ve noticed over about 10 or so years that new members are reluctant to get a sponsor. Of course, being somewhat confrontational, I mention this at least 3 times a year at one of our Group Conscience meetings. I also do at least one meeting a year on the importance of that special relationship between sponsor & sponsoree. This is where I began to learn to trust others in my life. My HP knew I needed 2 people who could put me in my place with love & understanding.
Good morning WSO – I had a wonderful and tyrant of a sponsor for the past 11 years. She passed away in September and I am in search of trying to replace her but I feel lost. I have been in Al-Anon for more than 30 years. You would think I would know what I am looking for. Perhaps that person is not there yet. I hope soon. I am blessed by having so many meetings available to me in my area. I do attend 4 -5 meetings per week. It may be time to attend different meetings.
Just reaching out.
I went to 5 meetings a week when I was a newcomer to Al-Anon. I read Courage to Change everyday. When my head was loud I listened to Al-Anon CDs that people in my home group gave me. I desperately wanted a sponsor but wasn’t ready to let go of many alcoholics and unhealthy people in my life. I came in the program at the same time as another newcomer and we were instantly friends. We were the only young people in the meetings. We were both in our 20’s. At the group anniversary of our home group we both asked someone to sponsor us. I had 2 people to ask in mind. She was going to ask one of the same people I was going to ask so I asked the other. My sponsor saved my life. I called her sometimes 5 times a day, mostly for quick decisions I couldn’t make on my own. I worked the steps with her 3 times because the first time I couldn’t find my relationship with god. She lead me to god and to serve above the group level as a Group Rep. My self esteem skyrocketed and my life completely changed. I got my career back and met my husband. My sponsor helped me deal with my deep dark issues of abuse in my alcoholic home that I couldn’t share at meetings. I love my sponsor and still call her and she became family.
After attending a few Al-Anon meetings as a newcomer, members began asking me if I had a sponsor? They were relentless! Week after week they asked me this question at the end of the meeting. I did ask someone to be my sponsor only because I wanted to say, “Yes!” when these members asked me again. Even though getting a sponsor was driven by my ego and irritation, it has been the greatest gift of the program. I would not be where I am in my recovery without the guidance of a sponsor. I found a power greater than myself and the gift of service because a person said yes to my request many years ago.