Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery from Al-Anon Family Groups. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.
Today we have Tobias with us. Tobias is an Al-Anon member who is the brother of an alcoholic in recovery.
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I need help dealing with my husband. I cry 😢 more now and I avoid him
My husband and I started to lose love and time together. He told me he started drinking Vodka everyday because of me and feels he has no love or caring. Used to have fun together but recently we don’t. What did I do wrong 😑 to make him drink more?
I’ve been in & out of a long term relationship for over a decade. Both partners have caused painful memories for one another throughout the years. My partner has been drinking excessively for many years in attempt to block out or cope with the past pain. Often blames his friends pressuring him to drink. Thinks it helps to forget but feel it actually makes things worse… causes suicidal ideations, depression, paranoia, anxiety, missed work etc. Blames me for the alcohol abuse. While drunk, brings up painful past events regularly but says all has been forgiven. Says the drinking is because… Read more »
My 34 year old husband is an alcoholic, this has now affected his health and erectile functioning, he does not want to admit his problem and blames his drinking on work stress. He becomes very disruptive when drunk and then passes out every night In front of the the kids. He has now gone as far as going to work drunk. I am afraid for him as he takes diabetes and high blood pressure medication and mixes it with alcohol every day. I feel so helpless and very lonely
I used to think my friend drank to relax and socialize with others. As the years went by, I started to noticed she drank more when we would disagree and so I started thinking I was a reason she was drinking. Then when my friend got to a sober state of mind she would yell and tell me, do not let me drink again no matter what. So I refused to purchased it and she got mad. She would sneak around and find ways to get the beer and say she had not been drinking. That was the first sign… Read more »
I have only been married for 2 years and dated my husband a year before we were married. I knew he drank, but it didn’t seem to be a problem and he always was a lot of fun when drinking. After we were married he got laid off of his job and we went out to karaoke and he had quite a lot to drink and we were talking about past stuff in each of our lives and he just blew up. There was no real reason. It was just conversation. He belittled me the entire night, not to mention… Read more »
I feel helpless; forced to deal with his depression. I’m divided, because I feel sorry for my husband when he’s sober and I dispise him when he’s drunk. He has this hatred look towards me and says mean, hurtful things. Like, he is convinced I ruined his life. I feel it’s my fault for putting up with his bad behavior. And when he’s confronted, he denies any wrong doings. I wish I had it on video to show him. Financially, I’m stuck and he has access to my apartment when I go to work. I want to move where he… Read more »
I love what I heard someone say in a meeting. “I can’t be nice enough to stop him/her from drinking and I can’t be mean enough to make him/her drink.” Active alcoholics are people who use alcohol to solve their “problem,” whatever that is–i.e. low self-esteem, the inability to face life as it is, their deep emotional pain, etc. For them, alcohol is the answer. It really has nothing to do with me, no matter what they may say.
As I sit here typing this, I am in tears. It is dreadful that so many seem to be going through similar if not exact situations. At the same time, it is a relief to know that I am not alone. I have placed blame for my husband’s habit upon myself for several years now. Thinking all of those little “what-if’s” that drive me deeper and deeper into my hole, struggling, crying and wondering if I will ever be able to climb out of it. I don’t remember him being like this the whole time we’ve been together. Sure, he… Read more »
Worst day today. For the first time he got physically aggressive, but I jumped out of the way in time. I guess I pushed him to it, insisting that his drinking is my fault and that everyone knew he wasn’t sober except me, etc. He didn’t have any choice but to come at me that way. He says I need to work on myself and go to Al-Anon more, get a sponsor, get help. It is true: my thinking is completely irrational and I feel like I am going crazy and that everything is my fault. I feel horrible. He… Read more »
My daughter is a 34-year-old alcoholic. She has lost her home, her kids, can’t hold down a job for more then 2 days. I’ve started attending Al-Anon meetings that have helped, but I still feel so much guilt. She called me the other day needing money to take care of her court fines. I don’t want to give her any more money. That’s when the guilt sets in. When she does get money she wastes it all, on what I don’t know. I do a lot of praying for her. I’m so worried about the outcome with her life. I… Read more »
My husband is supposed to be sober. He starts arguments and fights and tries to make me feel like I am crazy. Everything is my fault and what I am doing wrong. He lies about all of his court stuff and I always find the truth out later. I love him and want to believe he is sober as he constantly states he is. My gut says no way. I am so confused and sad that I put myself in this situation. Why is it always my fault when he is the one lying and hiding things? Why can’t he… Read more »
I love, “The less you did the sicker he got” and “..get off the road so God could get at him,” and “..until he said that what he was doing was causing him a problem, it wasn’t.” Such eye-opening and wise words for me. Along with the 3 C’s listed in so many posts. As much as I don’t want to go, I will be at Al-Anon tonight. I feel like I have spent years trying to fix myself/others – read all the co-dependent books when I found them in my 20’s even though I did not grow up with… Read more »
Yes, I did blame myself for the drinking. My husband never told me I was the reason he drank–I did that to myself. I thought it was my job to make him happy and if he was happy he wouldn’t have to drink, so every 3-4 years I would reinvent myself. I would lose weight, take more care with my appearance, be more loving, etc. and nothing would change. He still drank, so I quietly told myself, see it’s you. The 3 C’s were the reason I went to my second meeting. I wasn’t sure if they said I wasn’t… Read more »
I will be attending my first Al-Anon meeting today in 15 years – I am also a recovering alcoholic – 6 years sober. However now I find myself in a situation a lot like some of the others who have posted. About 10 months ago, I met another AA and fell in love. I was so happy to find someone I had so much fun with and who seemed to be absolutely in love with me too. I had finally found someone who treated me exactly the way I had always wanted to be treated. While sober, he’s a wonderful… Read more »
I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 10 years. I knew he drank before we got married–we both did. Just didn’t know he drank so much or that he gets beligerent. My third marriage, so I haven’t left, yet. I did leave 5 yrs ago because of his drinking. I said that I loved him but couldn’t take the life anymore. I said that I would give him a yr to figure it out. He only quit drinking after 6 months of separation and an OUI .27. He was sober about 3 months and we started hanging out… Read more »
How do you deal with the embarrassment caused by your husband’s drinking? I am so ashamed of how he has acted, and so ashamed that I still remain married to him. I won’t even sit in my yard because I can’t stand the neighbors’ pitiful looks. I know I should leave him. But I can’t figure out how. I had to quit my job of 20 years because I was afraid to leave my child home without a sober person there. Without an income, I have no access to money. I don’t even have a penny to my name. He… Read more »
I just wanted to thank all those who have shared their deep dark secrets. Today has been a very rough day, that was supposed to be a family fun-filled day. I have been attending Al-Anon for the last 5 months and been trying to follow all the tools that have been given to me during them. Each meeting gives me another day of hope. I do my daily literature, meditation and prayers and thought I was on my way . Then I did something STUPID and admitted my wrong doings to my alcoholic, trying to follow my program by making… Read more »
I believe that the disease of alcoholism can be fatal for me — and I DO NOT DRINK! Loving and living with an alcoholic without the help I have found in the Al-Anon program would be too much for me. I am so very grateful that I can go to an Al-Anon meeting TODAY! Each meeting I attend helps me a little bit more to heal from the effects of living with this disease. I always come away with a bit more hope and some practical tools that I can apply to many different areas of my life. I am… Read more »
I’m also in the same situation as you. My son is 25 and I’ve done nothing but fix and mend and try and figure out where I went wrong. We take a small step forward and a large step back. He has lost a good job, girlfriend, driving, and unfortuatley his self-esteem,confidence, and now feels usless. I can even go away for one night in fear that he will drink and hurt something or someone. I’m trying very hard to accept that it’s out of my hands, but as a mom it will always be me that he runs to.… Read more »