When I arrived in Al‑Anon, I had a limited ability to identify specific feelings. I recognized anger and maybe sadness but had no clue about fear or shame. I had no idea that shame was affecting my daily choices. Overcoming and understanding my shame led me to the three As of Al‑Anon—awareness, acceptance, and action.

Gaining awareness of the deep shame I felt took years of working with Sponsors, attending meetings, reading Conference Approved Literature (CAL), and doing several Fourth Steps. As a foster child, I grew up believing that something was fundamentally wrong with me (one definition of shame) because no one would adopt me. One of my foster parents was a “dry drunk,” and her comments about and to me reinforced the belief that no one wanted me. I never shared this belief with anyone but carried it deep inside into my adult relationships and behaviors. I married an alcoholic and finally found Al‑Anon. Slowly, over many years of working my program, I became aware of this deep shame.

Acceptance has often been hard for me, but making a list of the behaviors that cause me shame and the people that trigger my shame is easier today. I can accept that I was ashamed of myself as well as of other people’s behavior.

Action is still a work in progress. Today, I identify my behaviors that are motivated by shame. Perfectionism, blaming myself for everything, and people-pleasing are signals that I am acting out of that old shameful habit. I seek the help of my Higher Power and talk to my Sponsor and Al‑Anon friends to clarify my thoughts. I know that with acceptance and use of my Al‑Anon tools, I can adjust my perspective and regain a balanced view of myself and my part in life’s situations.

By Madeline S.

The Forum, March 2025

Feel free to reprint this article on your service arm website or newsletter, along with this credit line: Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA.