Al-Anon helps parents of problem drinkers

Ellen, Joe, and Sharon, all active Al-Anon members  are with us today to talk about how Al-Anon helped them deal with their children’s drinking.

How to locate a meeting

“First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery” from Al-Anon Family Groups is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

2017-07-28T09:03:04+00:00 November 30, 2010|Categories: Alcoholic Child|

136 Comments

  1. RoseGold September 2017 at 8:47 pm

    I have a young daughter that is still a teenager. I was very good to her providing her with everything imaginable. I also did teach her that she had a choice to follow her culture and beliefs or attend church with me. I did this and did everything else while I raised her to teach her everything about how to take care of herself from attending dr appointments, to cooking, to seek counseling if she wanted you name it. I know deep down in my heart I did and taught my daughter the skills that is necessary to make great decisions, but now it is all in her hands. I also had to take little step here and there to let go and let god take over. Sure I have deep fears but I really believe that she needs to go through this. Us as parents are taught to catch our kids when they fall but I had to stop doing this because it was starting to take over and I cannot allow this to happen.
    My daughter has decided to chose her own path-she quit school, decided to drink and do drugs. I forwarded her numbers to the shelter homes, information on soup kitchens, numbers to her dr if she needs to make an appointment and forwarded her all her info so she wont be without anything.
    If an addict is going to decide this life then why chose to stop them-why keep wasting my time and energy when I could have peace.
    Addictions steal our peace, joy and happiness. It fill our homes with tears, pain, hurt, misery-But see we also as people have a choice to take our power back and do what we can to take care of ourselves-while still loving the addict-letting go is scary, but it allows our creator or god whatever you believe in to take over and allow that to do his work.

  2. Momo7 September 2017 at 5:26 pm

    Is there any solution for these kinds of alcoholics in denial. Everyone mentioned the details of problems but no one have given any solution. Please we all are going through it but what is the solution of Adult Married Alcholics in denial putting their life and others lives in jeopardy and in serious danger. Jail and Government Mental Health must do some thing to control these miseries and help the society too.

  3. mike p August 2017 at 1:26 am

    I have an alcoholic son 42 years old. Moved back home, gets drunk every nite, stresses me out, gets verbally abusive, blames all his problems on me. Is in and out of rehab, is a prescription drug attic. He needs help. I tried but he won’t listen. I’m ready to sell my home and move and leave him to live in his car or street as he is destroying my life.

  4. Ali August 2017 at 4:39 pm

    My son is 24 and slowly killing himself in the same way as all of you have described. I can’t seem to get through to him and he is creating hell for me and my daughter. There is no hope

  5. Joe July 2017 at 1:05 pm

    My son is a alcoholic, began when he was in college, a lot of drinking while in college with buddies, he became addicted. He was married for a few years, and has ended up divorced, he had a condo, sold it and drank up 27k in 5 months.

    I put him through rehab, stayed here for a summer working and went back to Denver, where he picked up a alcoholic women living on the street, neither could keep a job, and ended up living in there cars.

    They have been here for a month now, stay in there room, drink and sleep all different hrs of the day. This am I finally told um they had to go. The stress of seeing my son everyday in that condition I can no longer handle, he is 35yrs old.

    I know I can’t enable him, and it kills me to make him leave, but there’s nothing i can do any longer. Both say they like to drink, there happy with there life, which I can not come to grips with.

    Is it possible to somehow force him into rehab? There going to leave and I’m scared to death of what will become of him. They have no money to find a place, and will be living on the street, with winter comming I’m scared for him.

    I just do t know what to do, I can’t just let him live like this

  6. Chris July 2017 at 12:24 am

    My son is 42 and 4 years ago he lost all his money. He also lost his home. He got a divorce after being married for 2 years. He has been hospitalized several times and each time he is sicker. He has been told that his liver is damaged and he will die if he doesn’t stop drinking. The last time he was hospitalized he was vomiting blood clots. Throw weeks ago he started drinking when he had possession of his 3 year old son. His ex has since refused to let him see his son and he can’t understand why. We pay his apartment all his bills. Even though he is an attorney he does not work. We paid for his first rehab and my ex had told him he would pay for him yo go to rehab again. I’m scared that he is going to die if he doesn’t stop drinking.

  7. Jerri July 2017 at 1:45 am

    I have a son that will be 21 in 3 weeks and he is already an alcoholic. He and I got into a really big blowup argument tonight. He drank too much and couldn’t go to work. I was upset because his job is beginning to become in danger. My biggest fear is that if things don’t change I’m going to have to let go and let him figure it out on his own even if it means kicking him out of the house. I have always babied him so it’s very hard but I know I’m going to have to.

  8. Isabelle July 2017 at 10:20 pm

    I am a mother of a 36 year old alcoholic I went through 12 years with my husband emotional abuse now have to watch my son do the same thing to a wonderful girl he has I can’t stand it anymore I’m physically sick can’t sleep I’m a total wreck

  9. Chsckldy July 2017 at 5:18 pm

    What about a parent who has custody of a 6 year old and 9 year old who is a alcoholic? We are Grandparents living in the home basically raising the children however can’t take the drinking any longer. We feel like we need to stay because of the children. There is a Mother who they haven’t seen in four years.

  10. Scared parent July 2017 at 1:07 am

    My wife and I are lost! Our 24 year old daughter is an alcoholic and will also take other substances as well. We just concluded another 2 hour fight with our daughter in which she was totally blitzed on vodka and wanted to leave the house, which we would not let her do in the fear that she would injure herself or someone else. She finally passed out. My wife and I have discussed our plan, have her voluntarily enter rehab, or leave. We suspect she will just leave. The dilemma is I am ready for her to leave and face the world on her own, sink or swim. My wife on the other hand is making herself sick with guilt on what could possibly happen to our daughter if she leaves ( she looks a lot younger than she really is) Anyone else who has had to face this, I would appreciate insight. Don’t know what else to do this is making our home life a constant battle and is affecting our two other children as well.

  11. Emma June 2017 at 6:59 am

    My 35yr old daughter a mother to two young girls she had with a vile abusing man (who has those girls in his care?) is an alcoholic of 5 years. Over 6 hospital admissions due to collapse when drunk off her face. Seizures, detox, stage 2 liver disease, distended abdomen, swollen spleen and kidney failure, revived 4 times. Hasn’t held down a job for 5 years worth talking about but had a hugely successful career and is university educated..worked as a model in her late teens and was a mentor to children throughout Uni. A merry go round of 3 months drinking…2 months sober etc etc…for years.
    This latest episode, first responders brought her back. Three weeks in hospital detoxing a multitude of drugs for all damaged organs. 65 days sober and off the wagon again for 5 days. BACK to the usual BS of lies, blaming and off radar nightmare. I am so sick to death of the worry she’s caused me, nothing works. Contact. No contact. Money. No Money. Promises. No promises. Blackmail thrown at me left, right and centre. The whole family worried constantly whilst we all dance to her sick tune. EVEN now she has the NERVE to say she’s not drinking on the phone to me when it’s 100% clear she is. BLAMING some guy for the reason she decided to buy a bottle 5 days ago. Keeping a toe in my water by sending stupid email each morning then goes off radar for 24hrs…so insulting I can’t begin to tell you. Had her living with me for months on 2 occasions over these years – she walked out the door and drank. She landed a great job in Malaysia – I paid for her to be there – she didn’t make it through the airport without buying a bottle of vodka…4 months sober with me otherwise I would NEVER have financed any of it. Off radar missing for 3 days before arriving drunk in KL. Admitted to hospital there and was detoxed…walked out and drank again. I have a dozen horror stories like this. I am cleaned out of cash and have none left for her to burn. Still trying to work a part-time job and keep a roof over my head whilst falling apart…emotionally and financially.

    NOTHING will stop this. Not her girls. Not me. Not her liver specialist or any other care worker she’s in contact with. Watching her slowly commit suicide over these years has been and is horrific on every level. I imagine identifying her remains in a mortuary and wonder how the hell I get through that. I despise what she’s become, lies roll off her tongue constantly. HER CHOICE to drink again. HER CHOICE to put us through hell on earth. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER FOR THIS…

    Waiting for that phone call again – the one where she’s breathing her last and I’m supposed to do the hospital dash feeling sick to my stomach AGAIN. I’M NOT. I CAN’T.

  12. peg June 2017 at 8:36 pm

    My problem is just like all of you. I don’t know what to do.

  13. Kelly June 2017 at 9:57 pm

    Ihave a 22 year old son that came out today to visit a cooking school. He was so messedup that i am on babysitting duty. Sad but true.we have a nice condo he could stay at while attending school but we argued and now luckily he passed out. He has friends in social media but i think today’s generation, there’s a problem. They are consumed with that. Not going anywhere without their phones. Anyway i am exhausted from his antics. Entitled kid…

  14. Lorri May 2017 at 8:17 am

    Hi my daughter is 22 she moved out about 6 months ago with her boyfriend he was in prison for three years for drugs alcohol and stealing when she met him after he got out they dated for awhile he was a very nice young man had a very bad child hood they lived with us on and off now they are living with her dad’s mom her grandmother whom who has always enabled my daughter’s dad in drugs and always enabled my daughter’s behavior growing up her dad and I split up when she was 2 over his drug use i am in church she was also raised in the church she had told us she was on marijuana when she turned 18 she was staying with friends then when she got in with this boy he tried to quit drinking wanted to turn his life around but my daughter would in order to get him to do things for her buy him beer he has had a job for 3 years but is into drinking and pills and she informed me she was doing meth as well as him at one point she texted me telling me she wanted help and that she had planned on ending her life several times I tried to get help for her but no success she is 22 she cuts me off at times won’t talk to me for months then will text asking to see her dog she stood me up mothers day it broke my heart I will text and text her but she won’t respond I love my daughter with all my heart and soul but her behavior is destroying my life I put my everyday life on hold for her texts calling me or wanting to come up or see her dog and when I don’t text her for several days she will text me out of the blue and I drop everything I am doing and run home it is hurting my relationship with my husband and family members whom do want me in there life seems when i do get strength to pull away she pulls me back in with her lies and manipulating how to I once and for all get strength to pull back and not let her control my life.please help!!!I

  15. Tracie April 2017 at 7:30 am

    My son is 22. He doesn’t recognize that all of his problems are the result of him putting alcohol into his body. He has ruined his chances to go to college. He has wrecked 2 cars. He is violent and destructive. Fortunately, he doesn’t live with me anymore. I have seen him try to quit on his own. It’s too big of a problem for him to solve alone. He needs the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous to successfully quit his insanity. I know this because that is how I quit drinking 7 years ago. I have suggested that he should go to a meeting with me. When I do he becomes frightenly argumentative. I miss who he truely is with out booze. I sometimes see rare glimpses of his true self when he is trying to quit alone. I am heartbroken over his struggle.

  16. Sharon April 2017 at 7:13 am

    My ex husband has just sent me an e-mail to say that our son Tom 36 is going to be kicked out of his flat. His flat mate has had enough of his drinking. I am in a state. I Live in Holland Tom has lived here a couple of times. The last time resulting in the police coming to my house as my Dutch husband could not cope with Toms drinking anymore. There is so much to say I blame myself I left him with his Father when he was 9. Things were OK in the beginning I had two daughters so my two sons loved them and we saw each other every month but eventually Tom got addicted to weed and then secretly alcohol. Things were getting difficult here so he went to live in Italy with his Father. But he was drinking there, so when he got run over after being drunk I brought him back to Holland to live. It was OK for a while until he started secretly drinking again. My husband did everything in his power to help Tom but it was pointless. Eventually he went back to the UK. Again problems, Tom actually blacks out he cannot function normally and goes through job after job. The last time Tom was homeless he came back to Holland and he got a job as a concierge, things were going well until he had a black out at the work place and instant dismissal. This last occasion meant that my husband was not responsible for his actions so police gave my husband a warning. Even though Tom is my son violence doesn’t help. It was either Tom leave or my husband. Tom went back to the UK. It has been on and off for 4 years. When Tom is sober everyone loves him, but he will kill himself and there is nothing we can do. I am desperate to know what to do next. He will be on the street.

  17. Chris Latam April 2017 at 9:36 pm

    We have a 37 year old son who has been an alcoholic for 20 years. He has not worked for 5 years. He lost 2 out of 3 homes he owned to foreclosure as he was not taking care of business due to his alcoholism. He owns only one rental property now that we manage for him. He went to Thailand a year ago and his girlfriend there is also done with his drinking. We had been sending him $700+ monthly money ($400 profit from his rental and the rest supplemented by our pension money) but have now told him we will no longer supplement his living there, not being able to work there, and in a visa overstay of more than a year. We’ve told him we will only send the rental profit money of $400/month….and that he’ll have to make that work. We know that we are enabling him but he does have money money, in this property, that we’re hesitant to sell and give to him as we know what he’ll fo with it…drink and likely die. Cutting off all money and leaving him in Thailand is scaring us. We’ve tried everything to get him to return to Canada where he can work. He lies and strings us along. The difficulty is he’s in a foreign country…and he does have money that is his, in his property rental. What do we do?

  18. Leslie April 2017 at 10:19 pm

    My son is 29. I have been dealing with his drinking for 9 years – financially, emotionally, and mentally. He has had 2 stints at rehab, several times detox facilities, and living in a Recovery house. Tonight he relapsed yet again. I have to be finished at this point. I have never tried Al Anon meetings but I have to. I am definitely an enabler. Even this evening, he has no money, worked for two days so obviously will lose his job, got kicked out of the Recovery House, and in his drunkenness called and said where can I go? He is 6 hours away. What was I going to do? But I of course figured it out and put him in a hotel for 2 days. My question is what now? Do I just let him figure it out? Do I drive 6 hours and pick him up bring him home then live like a prisoner because I don’t know who will show up at my house? What will disappear? Absolutely no alcohol in the house. Obviously I need help.

  19. Tammie April 2017 at 10:58 pm

    I have a 24 year old son who has been struggling with alcohol addiction for 4 years now. We paid all his living expenses so he could graduate from college and after college we let him move home with us for 6 month. We forbid him to have alcohol, see friends and just wanted him to work. Unfortunately this didn’t work. He hid his drinking, our rules were more laxed and everything was just back to his normal drinking. We told him he had 1 month to move out. He moved in with a friend 3 weeks later and has been living there for 3 months. He lost his job and is now being evicted from his verbal lease. He has no where to go and still no job. I told him he can’t move back home because I would just be enabling his behavior. We have tried to get him help with no commitment on his end. I don’t know what to do. I’m heart broken that I won’t let him come home. This situation has made me numb, depressed and feeling like a failure. I don’t know what to do anymore!

  20. Nina March 2017 at 10:21 pm

    All these stories sound like me. My 35 year old adult alcoholic daughter lives with me after a year in prison for a fifth dui. It has been a year and for awhile she seemed to have changed. But lately her drinking is out of control. I am moving in a few months and I told her she can’t go with me when she’s not sober. Generally she’s a lovely girl but she becomes a mean drunk when she drinks. I don’t know what to do I have no other family or friends as support. My heart is broken I worry about my daughter whAt will happen to her.. Mostly I feel trapped and resentful of her bad choices.

  21. Kathy March 2017 at 7:03 am

    I am responding to Micheal’s post above…Thank you, Micheal! I am the parent of an 18 year old daughter that struggles with drug addiction (or alcohol–depending on what is available to her at the time). We have done all that we can to help her–counseling, rehabs, calling the police to arrest her when she has become violent, etc.

    She is currently in a situation where, after breaking her probation, her PO has given her the choice of jail time (up to 90 days) and having a criminal record, or rehab (a 12 month Christian program is what has been offered unless she can find something else and pay for it) with her record being hidden. We have heard of (personally) many people who have been to this particular rehab program with amazing long-term success, and of course would like her to choose that option. As of now, she is deciding on jail.

    She is currently living with us, after being kicked out of a friend’s family’s house about a month ago. Our home was so peaceful and enjoyable when she was not living here, and we were able to enjoy our day to day lives (as was our 15 year old son). We don’t want to let her move home after release from jail. We know if we let her come here, she will refuse to leave, and will continue to disrupt our lives and have no motivation to get herself healthy and independent.

    Because she is so young (and the vulnerability that comes with being a girl), this is so scary to me! I can’t think of anywhere that she can go besides a homeless shelter or sober living home, or something of that sort. My alanon family tells me that this is what she needs to do to take responsibility for herself and grow up, and I believe that is true, but it is going to be so hard! I am holding on to stories like Micheal’s, and I know I need to trust God to protect her and reach her…allowing her to move back home will just delay her chances for recovery.

    Thank you, Micheal, for sharing!

  22. Bobbi March 2017 at 9:03 am

    My 23 yr old daughter is an alcoholic addict. She lives with me & my teenage son, I flew her out from la to join us in Seattle where we had started a new life & are thriving. She’s been here a month & has cut her wrist, beat me up 3 times, stolen my purse, bit her brother, broken my phone & lied so much I don’t know anything anymore. Last night the cops came with dogs to track her but she got away. Im so torn as she doesn’t have any money, friends or car.. yet I’ve locked her out. I told her I’d buy her a bus ticket back to California but she has noone, nowhere to go. I’m sick with fear and grief and ptsd from her past suicide attempts… for 10 years Ive tried everything but always stayed by her side. She has been out of prison for a year but I just learned she drank baking soda to pass her drug tests so she got off the plane soun out of control. as her brother stood by with flowers. I’m laying here on no sleep have to work 8 hours today.. please God what do I do?

  23. Angela March 2017 at 4:56 am

    My son is 29 he’s an alcoholic. He is in denial about his drinking this weekend as I write this he’s gone out every night comes back sloppy drunk. I don’t know what to do. I try to talk to him and he can’t stand still long enough to listen – he cuss me out – this just started. He’s always angry, blames everybody for his bad choices. Hates anyone who doesn’t like him – for one reason or another. I used to be able to say things to shut it down for a few days now he doesn’t care what I say. I want to kick him out he would end up homeless. What should I do I’m planning on retiring in another year and just leaving but I cant take it now – what shall I do?

  24. Trina March 2017 at 7:43 pm

    So glad I found you guys.

    #NotAlone

  25. Bernice March 2017 at 1:42 am

    Wow…I just came upon this website and have read the comments. I just started going to Alynon and heard a comment about understanding how an alcoholic thinks, which made me realize they don’t think the way a sober person thinks. I have read some articles on that tonight so I can get educated. Christmas day I had my 24 yr old daughter police escorted out of my home. I am a single mom of 4 adult children…she is my oldest. It was the hardest thing I have done. It wasn’t without warning(s). She knew I was at 0 tolerance. The ‘cake was baked’; and her behavior Christmas morning was the ‘icing on the cake’ that required her separation. I had determined that day she was not going to continue to control the home environment and steal our joy. She was making her choices and now I was making mine. I told her I am getting off this merry go round and I am not going to be a supporting actor in this drama in which she is the lead actress. My first meeting I was given a pamphlet about the ‘merry go round’ (this was a confirmation for me). I now realize I am hearing ‘our’ story through the mouths of so many others. We have so much in common. This is not unique to me/us! I am hoping, trusting and believing that she will conquer this addiction and in the meantime, I am becoming educated and getting equipped for whatever might come my direction good or bad. Since having her escorted out of my home we have much peace and it has saved my relationship with my other two teenage children (living at home) who needed to be relieved of her toxic behavior. I know I did the right thing. Some might think I should have done this sooner but I needed to know within myself that I did all I could do. She has cut communication with me, so I respect her desire to do so trusting that we will be reunited at some point. In the meantime, I have decided to open a Word document on my computer and when I feel like talking to her or think about her I will record the day/date & time and write what I am thinking or what I would like to say to her. Perhaps one day she will be able to read it. My thoughts of her are not of hate, resentment or ill will but of great sadness to know that her life could be so much better than what she is experiencing now. I realized that she is very resourceful when she needs to be and that she was using my home & me and controlling the dynamics of the household to her benefit and it continued to enable her and I realized I can’t ‘cure’ her. I was putting the welfare of my other two teenage children at risk by continuing to allow her to remain in the home. Alynon is very helpful and I am becoming informed and equipped for whatever lies ahead. Blessings to all of you. None of us realized this was the road we were going to have to travel.

  26. Sue March 2017 at 1:55 pm

    My son is 24 – in the UK it is really hard to get help if you don’t have private medical insurance . My son is an alcoholic and nearly died – we finally got him into a 10 day detox programmed as an inpatient and when he came out he did so well – not drinking for two years. Unfortunately he has just come out of a really damaged relationship and has started drinking again. When he is drunk he is abusive and suicidal – when he is not drunk he works occasionally but generally is around the house. His attitude is awful and he asks for money, lifts to and fro and if you say no he is completely unreasonable. I am at the stage now where I don’t want him living with us but he has nowhere else to live or go to and I can’t bring myself to throw him out – he also would get violent if I tried and this scares me. If he gets violent, what do I do? Who do I call? Our house is not a happy one because of this – my husband and my relationship is suffering – he doesn’t speak to Jack – I’m stuck in the middle and feel so desperate – I feel ill. I can’t get my son to seek help for himself and I don’t have the money to support him – he is so difficult to live with – I don’t know where to turn

  27. etta February 2017 at 7:19 pm

    I FEEL FOR ALL YOU I HAVE 34 YEAR OLD SON HE BEEN DRINKING FOR 10 Y I AM AT THE END MY ROPE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO HES BEEN IN THE HOSPIT 4 TIME HES GOT BAD HEAR LIVER HETAKE SEZER NOW ABOUT ALL THE TIME IT TAKEING A TOLL ON AIR FAMILY WE ALLBEG HIMTO GET HELP HE START THEN QUIT I BLAME MY SELF I GO THOUGHT A LOT OF DIFFERT MOTSON I PRAY FOR ALL OF U

  28. WANDA February 2017 at 10:45 pm

    I have a 33 year old son, that admits that he is an alcoholic. Not only is he an alcoholic, but also smoke weed every day. He would start drinking from 9 am until he comes in at 11:30 or later. I have always had problems with him since he was school. He has been arrested plenty of times and have spent about 2 years in jail. When he is sober , he is wonderful, but after the alcohol he turns into someone else. I want him out my house. He blames everyone else for his problems. I tell him to take a good look in the mirror and look at himself, because the problem is in the mirror looking back at him. I advised him to go get help and he refused to. I am tired . I have a business with in my home and I have clients on a daily basis. He comes in to my business and acts like a fool. I warn him and threatening him. It work for a week or two, but then it goes right back. My next step is to have him removed from my house by the law. I am tired . I came to the point where I even put my home on the market , so I can move out of state. I AM TIRED. Do you have any suggestions,

  29. Daisie December 2016 at 10:01 am

    My daughter is 36, watching her mixing zanax, anti depressant and alcohol…numbing herself
    gradually more and more often. My heart is broken, I am not able to talk to her, she denies and tells me its my imagination,,,that I am making drama when there is NO problem here. She lives with me, can’t manage her life. Already dysfunctional, she turned to alcohol in the past few years and it has gotten out of control. She is now jealous because her dog clings to me when she is out of it , I feel so alone and desperate. Her health is not good, she refuses to follow up doctor’s appointments.She has mental and emotional problem. If there is place called hell….it is right here, right now. Pray for us.

  30. Michael December 2016 at 12:44 am

    Im 23 years old, an alcoholic, and a son to loving parents. To those whose children are destroying their lives because of alcoholism, there is hope. A little over a year ago, my dad had enough of me and my unending BS, and told me I had 2 weeks to find a new place to live. This may sound harsh, but it was the best thing that could have happened. For the first time in my life, i was forced to face the real world, and as long as others enabled me, I continued to drink, facing homelessness, starvation, with almost no resources, I found a way to get drunk. by the grace of God I ended up in a rehab, and knowing i had nowhere to go if i left, i stayed for 9 months. sounds like a long time but compared to the years i had spent a slave to alcohol, it was nothing. after all that i came home to mom and dad and in a few short months i was drunk agan, but the seed was planted, and somewhere around 4 months later I had a God given moment of clarity, and I put myself into a sober house. Through that, and with the program of AA behind me, i have come a long way since, im sober only 4 months, but im signed up for school, im working and most importantly, im able to have a real relationship with the ones i love again. point is, with addiction, the only thing that can break the cycle is a major upheaval, and as parents you have the opportunity to make that happen. I urge you, do not wait, do not deny the alcoholic in your life the pain he NEEDS to feel in order to be openminded and willing enough to get help. sincerely Michael.

  31. Fay November 2016 at 8:41 pm

    My daughter lost her battle with alcohol about a month ago and I lost her. She left behind an 18 year old daughter, a senior in high school.

    I know now that she is at peace but have no idea why she drank so much that it killed her. She wouldn’t talk about it. In fact she wouldn’t talk to me at all the last months of her life. She had been to 2 or 3 rehabs this year and almost died in May. She came to my house after she left the hospital and was so much better when she left here. She told me she never wanted another drink – the doctor told her when she was in the hospital that she would die if she started drinking again. Her liver was sick and she had developed “wet brain” (Wernicke-Koraskoff syndrome). She stayed sober about two months and just all of a sudden started drinking again.

    She died at her home alone and I pray she just passed away in her sleep and didn’t suffer. She had secluded herself and they said she had been dead a few days when they found her. I hoped up until the morning I got the call that she would quit drinking. I still didn’t want to believe she was gone. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I felt I had abandoned her but no one could live with her when she was drinking.

    I know she was an adult and made her own choices. I didn’t cause her to drink and I couldn’t cure her either. But I wanted to. I wanted to fix her. The only thing that kept me from that was what I learned in my ALANON meetings. They will help you learn how take care of yourself and avoid the tornado like life that an addict will lead you to as you try to fix them.

    I hope our country will develop some long term rehab programs. 8-30 days just isn’t enough for most of the addicts

    I don’t miss what she had become but I miss my girl.

  32. Barbielanell November 2016 at 1:15 pm

    Reading these painful posts I am again reminded that I am not alone. Nothing I could reveal here would be shocking. That fact is sadly comforting, but only in a relative manner that no one who does not live the life (nightmare) of an alcoholic’s (or two alcohics’ in my case ): parent could understand. I am in a state of humble prayer for all of us.

  33. helen November 2016 at 3:50 pm

    my son is 42 and has been drinking since he was 17 he is a binge drinker I am a widow of 10 years and I do not want to care for my son any more I want him to move out of my home but I know he can not cope on his own what do I do

  34. Pam November 2016 at 10:41 am

    My son is 30 years old and an alcoholic. He was released from prison 6 mos. ago, and is on probation for another 6 mos. He is living in my trailer, and driving my sister’s car. He doesn’t drink and drive. I have always been his primary support, have always let him live with me. Recently he missed a very important appointment due to being too hung over to get up. It was with a psychiatrist, and was to recertify his Social Security disability benefits. I was so angry at him for missing this appointment I left and moved in my sister who lives nearby. I cannot support him any longer. He is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. My trailer is very small and really cannot house both of us. I am able to live at my sister’s for now. I am about to get HUD, which in CA will assist me in getting a new place. My son was initially going to get HUD through me…but I have changed that. I cannot drive him around, go to store to buy alcohol for him, get up to drive his girlfriend to work early in morning, etc. I feel like I’m being used and abused. I recently went to al-anon. My guilt is eating me up. I don’t want him to get arrested again. I need to live my own life now however….I was very stressed out when I was living with him in my trailer. I feel like I shouldn’t have let him come home to me and my trailer after his release from prison. He has a roof and a car to drive for now. I am letting him live his own life. He has another appointment with a psychiatrist coming up….I left him information about that appt. I’m hoping he makes that one, because he will lose his benefits if he misses it. He is being abusive to me with text messages. I need to turn my phone off. I know I can’t go back to trailer with him there…but its so hard! I need to find another al-anon meeting today.

  35. Mae October 2016 at 10:56 am

    My story is pretty much a carbon copy of all the others
    I kicked my 37 year old alcoholic son out.he don’t know his way around this city.should I leave it in God’s hands or put a missing person report.since I kicked him out.

  36. Pat October 2016 at 7:23 am

    My son is 39 and also a alcoholic. He recently was kicked out of my mother’s home where he was staying after getting out of jail. He spent 2 months in jail for choking me I had him artested. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I too thought after spending two months in jail that he would stay sober and be on the right path. I was wrong he started doing the same thing over and over. With no job for a month somehow he was sneaking alcohol into my mother home. He would become verbally abusive with till she had enough and asked him to leave. He begged her on hands and knees not to throw him out,but my husband and made him leave. He now sleeps in his truck sometimes that is broken outside his grandmother home. Still drinking heavy I worry about him still. Somehow I too started going to AL non meeting. I learned that I wasn’t alone that I have God for help. Somehow as a mom I wish he was a little kid again that way this pain wouldn’t be so hard.

  37. irish October 2016 at 5:22 pm

    Every story I have read reflects the pain, guilt, hopes and wishes of people who are witnessing their loved ones destroy themselves and also their family’s who love them. I am not reading the answers for help that have been successful in these events. Can someone tell me what helps to change an alcoholic from being self-destructive, abusive, vulgar, hopeless and just plain intent on hurting themselves but everyone around them? I am out of patience, ideas, money and almost out of love for my beloved child man who at 40 has lost his wife, child and now is consuming me. Can anyone tell me what has worked with their alcoholic to actually stop the drinking and hate?

  38. Dee October 2016 at 9:39 am

    I am done with my son. He was my best friend. We went through so much together. But, he is a binge drinker, at age 53. He has abused alcohol all his adult life. When he drinks, he will drink until he passes out and doesn’t remember anything. I have pretty much supported him since he divorced his second wife 3 years ago. He has lived with me on and off during this time. I had bought him and his wife a beautiful home before they divorced, paid cash. Bought them a truck, paid cash. When he moved in with me, I bought him another auto, paid cash. Paid lawyer fees for a DUI. Paid doctors bills after a bar fight when he got beat up. I totally supported him, financially and emotionally. When I found him on the ground outside my side door, totally obliterated, I closed the door after saying to myself : “I give up, do as you will.” I kicked him out the next day and I will try to obliterate him from my heart and mind. Wish me luck.

  39. Kate October 2016 at 10:15 pm

    My so is 35 and an alcoholic. 4 yrs ago is first and only child was stillborn, a beautiful little girl born sleeping. Our only grand daughter. A year later the marriage broke down. He moved interstate to live with us. Won’t work, doesn’t pay board or pay his bills, just doesn’t care. Went to rehab for 3 mths, and on a 3 day leave drank. He nearly died in hospital and is a diabetic, just doesn’t care. We decided he is out of our home as he won’t help himself. He got into some very expensive wine my husband was saving, one was for our daughters wedding, valued at thousands of dollars, he just didn’t care. So we told him to leave, and has gone. Haven’t heard from him, as a mum I am heartbroken that this has what has become of of this man. I never thought my beautiful little boy would grow up to become this person.

  40. Mary October 2016 at 11:34 pm

    Thank you for all your comments. They help to cope with my own situation. It helps to see that similar burdens are shared by other people, and there are many more people dealing with similar very sad circumstances. My son is 26, came to live with me as he lost a job and his girlfriend due to his drinking… 3 suicide attempts since the brake of his relationship (3 hospital stays, psychiatric opinion confirming he has a Borderline Personality Disorder and drinks to medicate himself).

    What do I do ? His father and brother distanced themselves from the situation and offer no support at this stage, claiming enough is enough. I agree. But what do you do when your son has this mental handicap and if you do not provide a bed he may try to kill himself, as he has done 3 times in the past few month…

    He had many counselling sessions, closed rehabilitation 3 times when teenager, few stays in a juvenile detention, brought home by total strangers who found him lying totally drunk on a side of a road, countless hospital stays, love and tough love….nothing works….

    I am exhausted now….he does not want to get help, lies, drinks every day and I am getting weaker as I am growing older….what one should and could do ???

    I am in a process of organizing counselling for myself as knowing I need to get support…….

    Borderline Personality Counselling is out of reach….very expensive….support groups for alcoholics are affordable but he is refusing to attend….. antidepressants made his mood only much worst……no family support for him or me……

  41. Adela August 2016 at 10:28 am

    My son just turned 40 and has not spoken to us since October 2015. He is a meth addict and alcoholic. I finally had it out with him after he asked my dad for money. He will work for awhile then something happens and he stops. He has had DUI and ruined his marriage, has a 17 year old daughter but continues to abuse alcohol. He says he only drinks a few but we all know he does more than that. I know he won’t speak with me due to the fact that I will call him on his drinking and drugs. He used to call me once or twice a day but now will not and tells everyone it is cuz I bitch at him too much, which is not true it is just his justification for not being in contact with me. I used to help him with his phone bill and fines when I thought he was doing well, but then I would find out he was using the money to drink and do drugs. We stopped speaking for 3 years when there was a major incident while he was out of his mind with drugs and alcohol. He is my only child and I keep trying to save him but have now given up. My husband brought him home a year ago “again” after he admitted he was doing meth again and needed to get off of it. Here we go to the rescue, only for him to stay sober for a few months and start in with at first drinking and then drugs. He moved away so we won’t see what he is doing but we always find out what he is up too. My sister allows him to live with her, therefore enabling him to continue drinking and she knows that I disapprove but she wants to be the favorite aunt. He showed up yesterday at my fathers hungover and with a few friends. My father is 89 and his health is not good. Dad thought maybe he should have my son move in with him to help him but after yesterday that is not going to happen. I try to tell everyone, that my son needs help but we cannot help him. He needs to help himself. I had an anxiety attack at work due to him being back in the area. He will be away again in a few days working and will make lots of money and instead of buying a car or a place he will drink it all up. I have decided to go to Al-Anon, counseling or whatever to help me cope with his addiction. I cannot save him, he needs to save himself. His daughter has resigned to the fact that he is what he is. She will always love him but she knows he will not stay sober for long. I have many friends that have an addicted child and it surprised me to find this out. We always think we are the only one. My husbands family has one in each household, almost %80 of his family has one child like this. My family is probably %50. Of course, he blames me for this addiction, I was too strict or I was too hard on him in school etc. I blamed myself for years. We have taken him to rehab, hospital, interventions. Nothing works. He tells us he does not have a problem and does not acknowledge that meth users are a problem. I have had counseling to cope and will start again. When he stays sober for awhile, he is the kindest, respectful and helpful. But sooner or later, the demons start in and his friends are those that are drunks and drug addicts. This is hard but enabling him is not the answer. He will have to hit rock bottom AGAIN and AGAIN until he realizes he has to change if he ever realizes this. Coping with this is a monster and nightmares started again last night. I worry he will get into a fight and be killed, car wreck and killed, overdoes and die. So sad 🙁

  42. Linda August 2016 at 8:20 pm

    My son is 49 years old. Has lived with me and his step father off and on for 13 years. He is a manic depressant and drinks and does drugs even tho he says I am wrong. When he is not here with us he usually lives with the homeless. He inherited $14,000 from his grandparents which he helped the homeless and did drugs and drank till it was gone in less then 2 months. He has brought home “junk” and has placed it all over the place on our home site. (behind tress’s ect. and in the neighbors carport) I did not see him for one month only to find out he has a warrant out for his arrest for drunk driving, excessive speed and driving on suspended license and did not show up in court. We were gone with family for a weekend only to come home to find him here with another bum friend. I had him pack all his stuff and leave only for him to go around the corner and join another friend with a drinking problem. I have stayed up all night last night crying my heart out but know I must stay strong this time and let him find his way on his own. My husband just changed all the locks and is done with this situation…we are both turning 70 and still working some to keep a float. He is done with this situation and I must be also…I just need strength. Thinking I need to join Al-Anon for support.

  43. June kingy July 2016 at 3:27 am

    It seems we are all in a similar boat, my son has been diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder, I am 77 years old and finding it very difficult living with my 50 year old son, my life is upset constantly and I don’t know what to do, I need help.

  44. Cas July 2016 at 9:33 pm

    My son is a full-blown alcoholic he wrecked his girlfriend’s car and got a DUI she threw him out he’s black I’m supporting him feeding him giving him money for cigarettes he will donate and buy alcohol and hide it from me I told him when he came back if you drink he could not live here but I am letting him do it I’m stupid

  45. mike a July 2016 at 1:42 am

    I too have an alaholic son and dont know what to do. He just went to rehab for 2days dried out, two days later hes drinking again. I dont know how to help him as he refuses to seek help. Hes 40 and making my life miserable. I told him anymore drinking and hes out the door. Any sugestings are appreaiated

  46. Susan May 2016 at 12:08 am

    My 33-year-old daughter is drinking again and her life is a mess.
    I’m so sad and worried for my grandchildren. My 17-year-old granddaughter has to look out for her 1-year-old brother when my daughter and her husband fight. My granddaughter has confided in me that she doesn’t like her mom anymore and she can’t wait to move out of the house (far away.) She’s hoping to go to college and live in the dorm, far enough away to escape. She says she’s afraid at night when I’m not there, because her mom drinks at night and is so unpredictable and angry, that my granddaughter doesn’t know what might set her off. The best thing is to try to be quiet and stay out sight and out of the way, but that doesn’t always work.

    In 2008, we did an intervention for my daughter. She went to rehab and then AA and stayed sober for 5 years. I thought we would all live happily ever after, but I was wrong.

    Thanks to all who have shared their stories here. It has helped me feel not so alone tonight.

  47. Jane April 2016 at 4:11 am

    I have a 29-year-old daughter who is married and has 3 children, but is an alcoholic. She was doing better and then suffered a tragedy and has slipped back into a terrible depression. She got on anti-depressants and we thought she was doing better.

    She lies, is manipulative, and when we try to encourage her to get help she threatens to keep our grandchildren from us. I am very worried about their safety, as her husband doesn’t seem to understand how sick she is. He stays gone all the time working and I finally confronted him. He refuses to do anything about it and continues to leave the children with her. I am at my wits end with worry to the point it’s making me ill.

  48. Rich April 2016 at 2:31 pm

    My then 25 YO son moved from the East Coast to the San Francisco Bay Area nearly 2 years ago with a suitcase and a couple thousand dollars he had saved up–he is a month shy of 28 now. Before he moved, he approached his mother and I and asked us what we thought about him moving to SF or just move to NYC as he loves NY. Being I grew up in NYC and have family there and it 8 hours away by bus or 6 by car—this was the logical choice. We explained SF was too far away, there is no family there, no safety net nearby, can’t come home for the weekend to get away, etc., etc.

    He acknowledged we had very valid points, but he moved to San Fran anyhow. Like many who go to California to seek their way, he struggled, so instead of working harder or changing his ways, he stayed drunk. He stayed drunk until Aug when his body just said enough and he was admitted to ICU for severe stomach pains. He suffered from necrotizing pancreatitis, sepsis, alcohol withdrawal, tobacco withdrawal, fluids in the lungs, and a fever– It was only his youth and the skill of the medical staff that saved him. Fortunately, he worked for a company that had PPO medical insurance and his income was low enough to qualify for MEDI-CAL, so he has dual insurance—no medical bills for him. His ICU bill was $240K.

    My wife flew immediately to San Fran where he was still tenuous and unstable in the ICU and I work for a fantastic company and they sent me on a temporary assignment to San Fran to help defray the family costs. After he was released from ICU, he was admitted to a Skilled Nursing Facility (SNF) to allow his pancreas to heal–he was in the SNF for 4 months. Despite almost dying, being in a SNF for months on end, being diagnosed with diabetes and insulin dependent–amongst other long-term health issues–the 1st thing he did when he got discharged was go to the liquor store. Not good.

    My wife and I brought him back east to convalesce for a few weeks, but he still drank. We offered to send him to rehab, but he wanted to visit with friends–he got mad at us for telling him we got him a bed at a facility if he was ready to go. He said, “Talk about triggers to drink.” It was then I realized he was gone — anyone who would think going to rehab is a trigger to drink, probably needs rehab. But sobriety is for people that want it, not need it. After a few weeks of convalescence, it was time for him to go back to SF as his work kept him on the payroll for insurance, and he qualifies for MEDI-CAL. If he stayed back east, he would have no insurance and he has significant medical issues.

    Bottom line is he has been back in SF for a few weeks. He is still drinking, not eating right — he’s a diabetic now, remember, and now he is crying to come home. If he leaves California, he has to quit his job — so long PPO insurance and his secondary MEDI-Cal as he will no longer be a resident of the state.

    I don’t want an active alcoholic living with me and my wife — nothing good will come from this and I will not jeopardize my future to pay the bills of someone who is not following doctor’s orders to not drink, eat appropriate foods for diabetes, etc. Unless he changes his ways pronto, he will die. If I let him live with me and he doesn’t change his ways, I will have to watch him die in my home by his own hand. My heart breaks to tell him I cannot allow him to live with me — I know it is the right thing to do, but it goes against every paternal instinct. I cannot save him.

  49. Caraleen March 2016 at 8:01 pm

    I am at my wits end. My son is 32 years old. He has spent a great number of years following his artistic dream of becoming an illustrator. He is extremely talented and has worked the last couple of years for a sign company.

    He states that he has no self-confidence and that alcohol gives him that. He is constantly asking for money. Oh my God, it just goes on and on. I feel like crying.

  50. Paula March 2016 at 4:26 pm

    We think our son is an alcoholic. He denies it, but our family sees things differently. It is getting to the point where our family is going to get professional help to try to understand this problem. My husband and I try to help him, hoping he’ll see the light.

    It is really affecting our close knit family. We try to help him but get no respect from him, especially when he is drinking. We don’t want to give up on him because we love him so much, but he is destroying his life. We wonder if we are doing the right thing by buying him things that he needs, like household things and a new truck so he can drive his children in a safe truck.

  51. Tammy March 2016 at 4:10 pm

    My heart breaks reading these posts, and I can so relate. My 31-year-old son is an alcoholic, and has been battling alcohol seriously for about 2 years. He has been hospitalized 4 times in the past year, 3 times for internal bleeding, once he was in ICU for 3 days and received 2 pints of blood.

    He has early stage cirrhosis of the liver, and just last week just before climbing into his car he suffered a grand mal seizure, striking his head and fracturing a bone. 5 minutes later he would have been behind the wheel of his car. He could have killed himself or innocent people.

    He is married and has a 2-year-old daughter. His wife (understandably) is at her wits end, and on the verge of leaving him, and I wouldn’t blame her. He thinks everyone in our family is conspiring against him.

    I have begged, pleaded, cried, yelled for him to stop as he’s killing himself. He is in total denial, saying ridiculous statements such as “he’s too tough to die.” This from a man who was been hospitalized 4 times in 1 year! He is seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction, but I don’t see any improvement. He refuses to go in-patient. He promises to stop, and of course it’s all lies. He lies constantly.

    I’m scared if his wife leaves him he will do something drastic. Please pray for us.

  52. Debbie February 2016 at 1:55 am

    I have a 42-year-old daughter who is an alcoholic and is addicted to Xanax. She has been trying to wean herself off the Xanax.

    She started attending AA meetings, but I feel it in my bones that she has started binge-drinking again this weekend. My daughter has three children 11, 8 and 5. She shares custody with her ex. He has called DHS on her, but that seemed to stop her for a small time.

    I have started seeing a therapist, but I am still up in the middle of the night writing this. The situation is causing hard feeling with my other children. My husband is fed up with our daughter.

    My biggest worry is my grandchildren. The oldest two are tired of their drunk mother!

  53. Mae January 2016 at 11:56 pm

    My son is 42 and living with me — it has totally changed my life, (I have none). I am a widow now 3 1/2 years. At first it was such a blessing to have him move in with me. He and girlfriend split up, having 2 small children. He did not drink a lot at first, but now it is daily and he says awful things to me. Nothing he does is any of my business, etc., plus a lot more.

    I have put my life on hold because of his health issues (life threatening) and stood by him, sitting in hospital night and day different times, over the 3 years.

    I want to travel and actually move where it is warmer and near my daughters, but I am so torn between just going and leaving him and his 2 small children totally alone, but the stress is so great. I am not a happy person and most days “cannot see the forest for the trees,” as the saying goes. But I do know that I cannot continue to function in this stressful life.

    I pay all the bills. He will give some money when he wants, but living on Supplemental Security Income is hard at times for both of us, draining my savings if I do anything extra. If he does give money, then he makes sure to remind me for what and how much, so I just struggle along, so I do not drain my savings totally.

  54. Rachel December 2015 at 10:49 pm

    I am a 21-year-old concerned daughter and I’m at a loss for words or actions anymore. My mom is a full-time worker who is 55 and divorced. She has MS and fibromyalgia and has become an alcoholic. Within the past 3 years drinking has become a bit of an issue for her. My grandma (her mom) has Alzheimers and my mom moved in with my grandma to be her primary care-taker for those 3 years. I understand how demanding and physically exhausting that was for her, especially with her medical conditions already. Because of my mom’s MS, she could no longer handle being my grandma’s care-taker and we had to put my grandma in a nursing home.

    A few months later, in March, my mom became sick and was admitted to the hospital for a week and was later diagnosed with encephalopathy, which is an infection that affects the brain. After the incident, she became better (health-wise) and stopped drinking completely for about 6 months, until our cat passed away and she relapsed.

    The drinking has gotten worse. I have tried to talk to her (when she is sober) and she promises she is going to stop, and then never does. She knows how angry and frustrated and hurt I am when she does this. I’ve tried dumping out the liquor, but then she buys more and hides it from me. I’ve tried to help her by keeping her company, but being a full-time college student while working 2 jobs, it gets a bit difficult to spend a lot of time together. I sleep at her house as much as I can, when I’m not at school.

    I have tried to talk to my uncle (my mom’s brother), who is close with her, and I have tried to talk to my dad too. He and my mom, although divorced, are still very close with one another. So far, nothing they have said (or haven’t said) has worked.

    I am constantly worrying about my mom when I am not there. I am worried about her health and how her drinking is worsening her MS. I am worried about her emotionally, because she is depressed and drinking only makes it worse. I am worried for her safety too. I don’t think she would ever do anything to hurt herself intentionally, nor has she given me any reason to think otherwise, but it’s always in the back of my head.

    I don’t know who/where to turn to. It feels like I have such a heavy weight on my shoulders and there isn’t anything I can do to remove the weight. It has gotten too far and is out of my control anymore. I’m only 21 years old. I don’t have the money to seek professional help and I don’t know what else there is to do.

  55. annie December 2015 at 12:39 am

    I have a daughter who is 32 years old. She is an alcoholic. I don’t how to help her.

    She lives away from us. She doesn’t work. She’s on the streets and has lots of so-called friends.

    She asks for money all the time. She has a 7-year-old daughter, whose dad took her away. He does not drink anymore.

    I haven’t any idea how to help my daughter.

  56. Sher December 2015 at 3:13 pm

    My heart and soul admitted to me, last night, she was an alcoholic. I got her to go to an AA meeting last night and she walked out when God was mentioned. I stayed and listened quietly while someone outside talked to her. Today she won’t come out of her room. I just don’t know what to do, if anything. I love this child with all my heart and she has a baby girl I adore. I want to help.

  57. Liz December 2015 at 7:11 pm

    My son is in ICU after binge-drinking to the point of unconsciousness. He was taken to the hospital by EMS. He is in the hospital now on life-support. He aspirated fluid into his lungs and got pneumonia and went into respiratory failure. This is his 5th day in ICU and he is getting very “impatient” with all of us. He is on meds and isn’t himself, but it sure is scary when he insists that we are all conspiring against him. I love him dearly. I have lost kids in accidents before and now I am afraid I’m going to lose him due to drinking. I don’t know how much one mother and father can take.

  58. Jay November 2015 at 11:43 am

    My son is 27 years old. My husband (his step dad) and I rented our home out to him and we bought another home. He lives 2 blocks away from us. I invited him for the holiday along with his baby sister who is 25 and her boyfriend. He arrived late and drunk and I warmed him a plate to try and get food in his stomach. His sister gets angry at him for coming to holiday dinners like this.

    I just feel sad. Their dad was an alcoholic/drug addict and I feel like if I had left him sooner and limited the amount of time they had with him as children, I don’t know, maybe things would be different. I do partially blame myself. I just wish there was something I could do for him now. I am scared to death he is going to go walking around drunk and get hit by a car.

    Last night he drunk called me and said he walked to the liquor store and some guy almost hit him and the guy got out and tried to fight him. I tried to get him to come over so I could fix him some food and make a pot of coffee. I told him to leave the booze bottle at home and he wouldn’t. I talked to him until he passed out. He walks everywhere right now, because his car broke down. That is a relief in one sense and a nightmare in others.

    He has abused alcohol to the point that his stomach lining is raw and he coughs up blood sometimes. That is why I am always trying to get him to eat. Otherwise he won’t. My son is such a kind and caring person. It is really ripping my heart out to see him this way, as I know everyone on here feels the same about their loved one.

  59. Greg October 2015 at 6:27 pm

    I would like to thank all the people who have shared their struggles here — it makes me not feel so alone. I will pray for you all. I would not wish this situation on anyone. I am thinking about going to an Al-Anon meeting to get some support and strength to deal with my 34-year-old daughter’s alcoholism and also anorexia. If she does not get help soon, one of these addictions will end her life.

    I have worked in the corrections field for the last 16 years and have seen how destructive drugs and alcohol can be. I also know that it is up to my daughter to make the changes necessary, but I still have the feeling that if I had done something different when she was younger, she would not be at this point. I need to stay strong and believe in that higher power.

  60. maxine September 2015 at 9:58 pm

    My son is 35 and was such a lovely person. He is gone now and I don’t think he’s coming back — have been hoping he would for 9 years, but the drink has taken him. Can’t let him come home because he’s destroying us all and won’t stop. Now I can’t live with the guilt that I’ve abandoned him — something I always said I’d never do.

    Feel almost suicidal. Never knew or imagined how awful it is living with an alcoholic. Can’t even lay in bed now without feeling guilty about having a bed or home — but if I let him back, one day he will hurt someone. Look at old photos of him and feel like he’s dead. Heartbroken.

  61. Anne September 2015 at 4:52 pm

    I feel all the pain n frustration of u all. I’m in the same place. I have a 35 yo son who’s an alcoholic. jus recently he leftbhome n hasn’t been home for 12 days. he and his wife fight constantly every day. no more love between them yet still together. these kids r suffering badly. but anyway I’m left with the kids and I’m 55 yo native american mom. I feel helpless. no help for me. idk what my son n his wife’s plans r, but now the courts r involved there seem to bbno end. now mybson is homeless n in the streets. Plz all pray for him and all of us who r living with this horrible sickness which grabs a hold of n doesn’t let go until the end. thanks for listening.

  62. Erica September 2015 at 5:50 am

    My mom, 53 years of age, has lost control and I’m not sure how to go about this. I am 29 years old, her only daughter, and I so really need her. She worked at UPS for almost 30 years straight and has been awesome all her life. She had a very bad situation happen between my dad and her, which caused her to unravel.

    I know she’s hurt and I know I probably can’t fix it, but she has turned to drinking every day and even turned into someone else. I’m back home because I had financial issues. Watching her kill herself is the worst for me right now. She has three children, but everyone moved away except for me.

    My dad and her are still together, but he’s an alcoholic too. They argue everyday, which doesn’t make the situation any better. She did an A.A. program last year, July, to try to get better. 30 days in there and I thought for sure she was back. It brought tears to see her back on her feet. I thought I had her back.

    I work a job that I know I can barely pay rent. I have to go to work just to maintain my life, along with my daughter. Eventually I left for work and she started sneaking and drinking while I was gone. Long story short, I thought I almost lost her yesterday, and everything flashed before my eyes.

    She thinks she has everything under control and became stubborn about the help part. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think that she has medical or life insurance to recover. I just need help with this, because I’m literally all she has. I love her and I don’t want to lose her.

  63. Wanjiku August 2015 at 11:39 am

    All these posts reflect my life. Afraid my 29-year-old son also with ADHD has lost yet another job and drinking 24/7. Can I force him into rehab yet again. So scared. Family fed up and left to live their lives.

  64. Erika August 2015 at 11:24 am

    I’m in tears reading your posts as they speak to my life. My daughter is 24 and has a real problem with drinking. She has been in several abusive relationships — twice almost caused her to lose her life. In every bad thing that she encounters drinking starts it. I have videos of her to show her the next day — and she still says it’s because we aren’t doing our part and we must have irritated her, so she justifies her behavior.

    I’m so sad and hurt because I see the demise it causes in my household. Her son is 4 and I’m so protective of him. And she sees a therapist, but when she’s raging drunk she yells out things like, “My therapist said I should march to the beat of my own drum,” and “My therapist said watch out for people in my life out to sabotage me.”

    I’m like with you, taking her words and making them fit the situation. She’s not telling this therapist she’s a toxic drinker, a delusional thinker when drinking, so I’m at a standstill, feeling like I’m abused, living life on egg shells, watching for her mood — afraid to leave her at home over night. Enough is enough! I love my daughter, but I don’t like her!

  65. Tom July 2015 at 11:29 pm

    My 21-year-old daughter, who has been battling alcohol for a few years, is a binge drinker, has been living with me for a month since her school let her out for financial reasons.

    She has been ok and was really trying to be a help around the house. She got a job as a bartender at a grocery store. She seemed to be in control of the alcohol.

    Today, at 2 pm, we were planning to go out for a nice afternoon lunch, then my realtor stopped in. My daughter said she would run over and pick up her check and walked out as if all was normal.

    Eight hours later she was dialing my 14-year-old and then my 19-year-old. She had gotten so drunk at the grocery store where she works that she peed her pants and was calling them from the bathroom.

    Hours later she came in, still drunk, and started yelling at me. I asked her to go sleep it off and told her she should never drink and dial her sisters again as it is hurtful. She threatened to kill herself and went to the cutlery set in the kitchen.

    I told her if she did not go to bed now and quit yelling at me I would call the police. She said, “Good, then I won’t have to live here,” and a lot of other really hurtful things to me.

    I hate what drinking does to her and how angry it makes her.

    I told her if she would just quit the abuse, quit threatening to hurt herself, that I would call 911 back and tell them it was a misunderstanding, that she had a last chance to stop her behavior. She got worse and started screaming at me.

    The police eventually arrived. I told them she said she would hurt herself but probably did not mean it. They were going to let her be with a warning, but she apparently made the same utterances again to the officers and they cuffed her. She was so smug, as if she had won a battle, happy with herself for getting hauled away in cuffs.

    She is going to the psych ward. She may be there for 3 days or maybe 30. The officers do not know.

    I am so sad. My beautiful baby has become something horrible.

    I am crying. I have not cried since my wife died 8 years ago.

    Pray for us.

  66. Hazel June 2015 at 7:25 am

    I sympathize with every one of these people. I have a 48-year-old alcoholic son living with me, because his girlfriend kicked him out. He has nowhere else to go. I am now at the point of wanting to kick him out myself, but where will he go? Probably be a homeless down-and-out, or die for lack of support.

    I am his mother and I love him to bits, but he is totally changing my life, and not for the better! I am a 66-year-old pensioner living alone (till he came) and getting on with my life. But since my son arrived at my home, all I seem to do and think about is him!

    In the space of one week he has been pulled for drunk-driving, been taken to hospital because he fell in drink, and is now up in court! I love him, but I think a stint of prison might wake him up (hopefully!).

    He lost his job through drink and now doesn’t seem to want one again. I am so miserable! I really don’t know what to do. I have stopped helping him financially, and stopped taxiing him to and from pubs. He’s killing me.

  67. Chris p June 2015 at 5:17 am

    I don’t feel so alone now with my daughter’s alcohol problem. You are all going through the same stress as me. I cannot cope anymore, but I know I have to for my grandchildren. I pray God will help me and you also.

  68. karyn p April 2015 at 12:30 pm

    I should not be surprised that my son is an alcoholic, or that I enable him. It’s all I know–my grandfather, father and husband are. So why does this hurt me so much more? Probably because he is my son, and it’s hard to stop loving your kids–but it’s time for me to have a little peace in my life!

  69. Lila April 2015 at 12:21 am

    I don’t know what can I do for my son. He is 30 years old and he is alcoholic. He lost his job and had a drinking while driving charge and the police took his driver’s license 2 years ago and he was 30 days in jail–but he continued with alcohol.

    My husband and I have no life, no money, no rest, nothing because of him. He won’t go from our home and says, I don’t have any place to live. I hope we can get help me without him knowing.

  70. Anna April 2015 at 11:11 pm

    Please pray for my son, Joel, 22 years old, who stopped drinking and now started again. My mother who is 70 years old is taking care of him. He troubles my mom and forcefully takes her money. Please, I beg all to pray for us.

  71. mara March 2015 at 9:33 pm

    My 24-year-old is an alcoholic. He has been since 17. He is sneaky and lies. It’s destroying my family. I need help. He just got back from detox. He drinks shots at 5 a.m., bottles and bottles of vodka. We find them as he tries to hide them. I want to run away. Our county needs to address our youth and help them with mental health.

  72. Bennett March 2015 at 2:42 am

    Our son is an alcoholic. He started drinking to excess approximately 5 years ago. He is 33, has 3 small children and a supportive wife. He went to rehab 16 months ago and was put on a medication that makes him violently ill if he has any alcohol. He stopped this medication twice in the past 16 months to attend bucks nights and both times ended up drunk. The second time he continued to drink the day after the party and we had to call an ambulance as he blacked out.

    Our son is as type 1 diabetic and has been for 18 years. We told him he could have died and he told us he was sorry etc., etc. He has been back on the meds since, but now he is saying he wants to go off them and “learn to drink in moderation.”

    We don’t trust him at all and feel he will not be able to drink in moderation. He has a great job and beautiful little children. His wife is aware of his plan. He is seeing a psychologist and says that is the goal they have set together, but we don’t believe him. He is addicted to alcohol and will not admit he can never drink again. We feel it will kill him if he risks this again, and my husband and I have this sick feeling all the time. So terrible.

  73. Dave January 2015 at 8:03 pm

    My son is 37 years old. He is married with three children. He has a wonderful wife, two great jobs and his wife has a great job. My son is an alcoholic. Sometimes he manages to “only” drink on weekends and when they travel, but that seems to be coming undone. His wife is drinking too. This isn’t social drinking, this is drinking to get drunk. They are both spiraling out of control.

    My daughter received an email from their fifteen-year-old daughter at 2:30 in the morning on Friday. It said that they had again left her alone with the other kids, ages 8 and 2; plus someone else’s child she didn’t even know. She said that her grades are tanking, (she has been a straight A student to this point). She said that she felt she was going crazy and that she was severely depressed, and that her parents had been drinking almost daily. What a sad email to have read to me.

    I called my son and after many, many times of him telling me he was quitting drinking I had had enough. At the risk of alienating him and his wife who I both love dearly; I told them if they didn’t seek appropriate help immediately that I was going to call Child Protective Services.

    He told me that if I called CPS he would hate me forever and that I would never see our grandchildren again. I told him that I loved him dearly but that I would do whatever was in my power to ensure that his three children would no longer grow up in a home that abuses alcohol. You are a parent forever and it is your duty to try and save your children, even from themselves.

  74. Robin January 2015 at 10:21 pm

    My son is 34 years old and he is an alcoholic. He doesn’t work. He says he can’t find a job, but I know better. He could be working with his dad, if he wanted, until he could find something else. He could be making $10.00 per hour, living at home, no bills, being driven to and from work, paying nothing for gas, no taxes, but why would he do anything different when he can sleep here and there a couple days at a time, then come home sleep, eat , watch cable TV, and use the computer, sober up and start all over again.

    He doesn’t have a key to the house, because he doesn’t deserve one. I told him that his dad and I were going out of town for New Years and I was afraid to leave him home. He was so mad and I think in shock that he left the house and I/we haven’t spoken to or seen him since.

    I have my moments when I start to feel really bad, but I’m learning that I have to do something to change my situation. I can’t and will not continue to let him live in my home and self-destruct the way he has for the last 10 years. I refuse to watch it anymore. It is too painful. I’m learning to set boundaries, continuously praying and seeking support, because I can’t do it alone. So broken-hearted.

  75. Paddy December 2014 at 8:18 am

    My son is 42 & has been a functional alcoholic for about 18 years. He gets drunk on beer after 8 pm & keeps drinking all night till early morning, after which he sleeps till 2 pm. He does not have a job currently, but is working on a website from home. It does not fetch him any income, but causes expenditure. As a result, the responsibility of his 2-year-old son is totally on the mother, who is hardworking.

    He has attended rehab centers (for meditation & yoga) & has shown he can stay off beer for 3 weeks at a stretch. When he had a regular job, he would take care to be dry during the weekdays. If there is something important to be done the next day, he remains in control.

    The problem is he is unable to handle any stress & uses alcohol as an outlet. Now with the fall in oil prices, people are losing jobs in his town & he is now terribly worried about his future. He is hitting the bottle daily.

    We find it very difficult to advise him. He takes it wrongly. We live in another country & he keeps calling us to pour out his problems in a half drunk state. All this is affecting my psyche & physical health.

    We are tired of telling people untruths that all is ok with him. We also fear we may find it financially difficult to keep sending him money. We have retired from service & live on senior citizen incomes.

    I wish I knew the way to cope with this malady. I need to stop worrying. I have an old mother to look after, too. I pray the Almighty to give me the strength to cope, how to accept this & how to handle this. Thank you.

  76. peggy December 2014 at 12:40 pm

    I have a 30-year-old son who is an alcoholic and was to the point of drinking till he would black out. He doesn’t remember anything, but did beat his girlfrind and is sitting in jail. We are trying to get him in-treatment and hope to have him moved next Friday.

    He had to hit rock bottom to realize he was in trouble. I pray that God helps all children. It is hard to stand back and watch them hit rock bottom, but I see a change for the good in my son.

  77. Cindy October 2014 at 8:17 pm

    My son is trying to stay away from drinking. He needs help. He is 28 and has had a problem since he was 18. He dropped out of college. More recently he lost a high paying job because he went to work drunk. He has another job and so far has missed one day due to bingeing on a Sunday night.

    He and his 2 sons live with us, my husband and me. The grandkids’ mother is incarcerated for drug problems. He also had a drug problem, but has cleaned up. He turns on me when drinking and I have to threaten the law on him. I am so sick of the abuse. I have always cleaned up his mess. He has lost so much.

  78. Susan October 2014 at 10:33 pm

    There are too many people in turmoil over their child’s drinking. I am one of them.

    I live in Ontario in Canada. My 24-year-old son has messed his life up. He is a miserable drunk. He was charged with assault with a weapon–hit his girlfriend in the eye with his cellphone to get those charges. He missed a probation date and is up on a charge for that. We have paid the legal bills, bailed him out, and are now his surety, which basically feels like we are in prison, not him.

    He was intoxicated, delusional and I called 911 for paramedics to take him to the hospital for a psych. consult. He panicked and thought I had called police, despite the fact that we repeatedly told him we had called paramedics. He went out the upstairs bathroom window, jumped off the roof and shattered his left heel. In the hospital he was abusive to staff, had to be put in restraints. He yelled and told them not to tell me anything as I lie and I am a bitch.

    I stayed up there all night in another waiting room, hoping to talk to a doctor from psych. It became all about his heel and all about getting him out of there. A nurse, not a doctor from psych, evaluated him and said he was fine to go home, no immediate danger to himself or others. And they sent him home with Percocet after I begged them not to.

    They escorted us out with police. I was utterly humiliated. Our health care system is broken to pieces. The family doctor got a report about this, took him off of antidepressants and is trying to get him into a psychiatrist, which could take up to six months where we live. What is wrong with this picture?

    His parole officer set him up with appointments so he could get social assistance and he has started drinking now that he has some money. He owes us 5 thousand dollars in legal fees alone. He stole my jewelry, took money from his father. We now have a safe.

    Tonight he is drinking vodka that he must have had delivered to the house while we were at work. He is calling me names and putting me down. We need a babysitter for him. His counsellor told us they will never take him into rehab like this.

    I want to give up his surety, which means he will go to jail until his breach of parole charge is taken up by the court. I have very little hope, and feel completely tormented. Our daughter moved out just because of his drinking. She could not take the turmoil in our home any longer.

    If he goes to jail/correctional facility, I fear it will only help his already terrible self esteem to go down further, but on the other hand, we cannot live like this anymore. I wonder how a parent kicks their child out to jail, and to the street.

  79. Wini September 2014 at 1:16 pm

    My older son finally admitted to me last night, after years of drinking, that he can no longer get off of alcohol like he used to, he must keep drinking or go into shakes, vomiting, maybe worse. I’ve been in Al-Anon 9 yrs. & have a measure of peace & serenity that I never had before. I’ve put him in his Higher Power’s care. I still love him, still worry about the complete destruction this addiction has on his life. But we continue to have a relationship because of Al-Anon. I am so grateful for that.

  80. cindy September 2014 at 6:26 am

    My son just lost another job, getting kicked out of his new place that I got for him. Now he wants to move back with me. I told him no, I feel so bad for him. I don’t know what to do. I am at a loss. I feel like I have abandoned him. He has lost everything because of his drinking, and not the first time. It’s over and over again. I hope I’m being strong and doing the right thing.

  81. christine September 2014 at 9:54 pm

    My son has lost everything and doesn’t care. I don’t want to lose him, but he is on self-destruct. People say leave him go to rock bottom. As a mum, I don’t know if he will survive. My family is ripped apart because I support him. I am at a loss as to what to do.

  82. Andrea June 2014 at 10:37 pm

    I don’t know what to do. My disabled mother has given up on life and is killing herself with alcohol. I had to move in with her when my child was born because I found out I had cancer. This is before she got disabled. My child is ten now and I am finally in remission.

    My mom got diagnosed with spinal stenosis and became unable to be a nurse anymore. She is on social security and I’m on disability. For the past two years since she retired she has become a heavy alcoholic. This is a bad situation for her, for my health, and especially for my daughter who has been having fits of rage. I am afraid if I leave my mom she will drink so much she doesn’t remember taking her pain meds and overdose. I keep track of her medicine and try to hide the bottle, which gets the three of us in a huge fight.

    I was an alcoholic and have been sober for eleven years. I totally understand her wanting to drink, but she doesn’t see how it’s destroying our family. I’m totally exhausted, financially spent, and don’t know what to do! I need help but I don’t know where to turn. I’ve wanted to go to Al-Anon but I’m so afraid something will happen if I leave for even an hour.

  83. Barb June 2014 at 10:14 am

    Ohhh, I need help. My son has been self-medicating for his anxiety, panic, with alcohol and is in an awful place. I am agonized over this and it is killing me.

    Been battling this for a year and a half and things just get worse. He decided to quit cold turkey at home, had the shakes, vomiting, etc., until I found him having a seizure, called 911 and he spent less than 24 hrs in the hospital with iv’s and meds. Two days later he gets in a single car accident, not hurt, and a DUI. While still on probation from his last one.

    I had told him if it ever happened again that he was not allowed to stay here. This was the hardest thing for me to do. I feel so guilty and awful, like I have abandoned him. He is now at his dad’s, and is sneaking alcohol, but not fooling anyone.

    Since he has terrible panic attacks, he takes Ativan and mixes it with alcohol. He is a train wreck. Refuses to get any help or admit he has a problem. I am dying inside.

  84. christine May 2014 at 9:16 pm

    I feel so guilty and wonder what is the right thing to do–leave him to it, or hide the alcohol.

  85. caz May 2014 at 10:14 pm

    I am worried , scared and in pain – I love my daughter and our relationship is good most of the time , but recently I have started to become resentful because she seems to have no idea of what she puts me through.

    I reckon she does not even remember most of what she puts myself and her son through and ‘loses days,’ but I don’t lose them. I am there watching and experiencing the nightmare which is drink.

    I take care of her 6-year-old son who has special needs when things get bad, but because I do not want to leave her on her own in a drunken state, I stay and look after both of them.

    Her drinking has gotten worse since a sudden, double bereavement in the family, which is not surprising, but after 6 weeks of looking after her and my grandson on my own, I am exhausted, stressed and generally ill myself, not sleeping or eating well etc. and I reckon it is time to take care of myself now.

    I have the worry of my grandson, who I adore, being taken away from us, but I try to trust and believe it will not get to that, as she has admitted she has a problem and has taken steps to get help for it, as she does not want to lose her son, too, or have this life which comes with the drinking when she realises how things are so much better when she is not drinking.

    One of the main triggers at the moment is her boyfriend, a heavy drinker who does not admit he has a problem, so he drags her down and brings tons of stress into her life, which she could definitely do without, but it is her choice to be with him and have him in her life, even though it is very hard for me to accept that she is making that choice.

  86. claire August 2013 at 10:24 am

    Having observed my son’s alcoholic drinking for the past 10 years, I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. I was impressed with the acceptance and courage of the participants and I left the meeting feeling stronger and more able to cope.

    That very week his drinking went from bad to worse. I have not slept in a week and he is drinking in a local bar night and day. He is also driving drunk and it is only a matter of time before he kills someone. I find it impossible to turn off agonizing night and day about the possible catastrophic outcomes.

    I am currently on holiday from work but am due to return shortly. I am worried about how I am going to cope when I return to work in a high-powered stressful environment, where I manage a department. Up until now my son has been working in other countries, but he has left or been fired from yet another job and is living in the family home. His drinking and his morose personality are affecting everyone in the home.

    My husband is in favour of taking a tough line with him, but I feel so sorry for him and I know that somewhere, given professional help, is a good decent person. I am also worried about my son’s mental state, as he has become so withdrawn and we only see him when he’s drunk and the rest of the time he spends in his room, hungover.

  87. Mary August 2013 at 3:42 pm

    My son is 39 years old. He has been diagnosed with a liver disease and has been told to go put his name on a liver donor list. He stopped drinking for 8 months but is now drinking again. My heart is breaking and I don’t know what to do.

    I live in Florida and he lives in Milwaukee WI. He is killing himself and I can’t help him. He will not listen to me. In 2006 my two brothers, both in their early 50’s, died from alcohol. I saw my brother literally bleed to death in the hospital. My dad died in his fifties and I married an alcoholic.

    I am remarried now to my soul-mate, but I still feel depressed because I cannot help my son. I have no money, I am on disability. What can I do to help my son? Do I just sit back and let him die? Everyone tells me that he has to make the choice to quit and I know that, but I feel so guilty all the time.

  88. heather July 2013 at 12:47 pm

    My 36-yr-old son is an alcoholic and started to use drugs, for how long I don’t know. I have always helped him with money, some of which he paid back. He is a very spoiled young man. He has always had his parents helping him. I know that is wrong and have to use tough love now, but I wonder if I have to let him go homeless if he doesn’t get his act together, and what I can do now to help him.

  89. Michelle July 2013 at 10:13 pm

    Thirty minutes ago I got off the phone with my daughter-in-law, who had called because, once again, she is afraid of what will happen when my son comes home drunk tonight. My one-year-old grandson is there too and she’s scared. I told her to go to a neighbor for help- or leave now before my son gets home. My heart is breaking as I witness my son destroy his beautiful family. All I can do is pray, but I lost my faith a long time ago–and feel despair.

  90. j May 2013 at 3:29 pm

    My son is 33 years old. He has been to lots of rehab centres for treatment. As soon as he gets out he goes back to drinking. He is on welfare, homeless, just got kicked out last month. He was couch surfing, then I got him a bed at a safe hostel. He lost clothes, stolen. I got him some clothes, personal things he needed. He is still wanting more and more

    He won’t stop phoning me at work, at home. etc. Always complaining, saying he is going to lose it, etc. He is trying to find a place to live and get treatment. He is very stressed and demanding to me.

  91. PF March 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Don’t really know what to do. Son is 30 and he drinks and drugs. Got him to go to AA for 3 days and now he says he isn’t really an alcoholic–nor does he have an addictive personality.

    He has a long history of problems associated with drinking, since he was about 12 years old. I had to take him to the emergency room the first time he drank–at 12 years old. It has been a long haul and not sure I can take it much longer.

    I know I can’t control his drinking and drugging. He doesn’t work and doesn’t help around the house. Frankly I need him out so I can enjoy what is left of my life. Sad to say that means he will be on the streets unless I can find another way. Wish my higher power would give me direction. I am powerless. Un manageable? My hair is unmanageable. My son is unmanageable–but my life?

    Well, my life is often consumed with my son’s problems, so that part is unmanageable. I am willing to give it up to a higher power, yet I don’t hear anything coming from the higher power. I don’t know if I can live with knowing that I made my son homeless.

  92. Sharon December 2012 at 6:57 pm

    My son is 36. He stopped drinking last year, due to he was caught drinking and driving. He is a great son, brother & dad. He had some bumps in the road. I’m sure that other people had the the same. We all want the best for our children.

    When he’s alone and hanging out with other drinkers, he’s back on it.

    His dad & I live out west. His brother & the son that has the problem lives back east.

    His great uncle was a heavy drinker. I was not, and his real dad was not either.

  93. Keleee November 2012 at 6:39 am

    My son Ryan is an alcoholic like I am. He drank to excess from his first drunk, just as I had. I quit drinking for 10 years while raising my children, but picked back up during the divorce. I got sober 10 years later and am still sober since 02/01/02.

    My son is 28 and in and out of AA and has just lost his job he had for 8 years after a long binge. They say the job is the last thing to go and he is behind on his house payments and will lose that too.

    I don’t intervene and try and save him. Alcoholics in my opinion are born with the disease and it gets turned on in them when they pick up a drink. It hits every nationality and people with good lives as well as bad lives. We try and blame it on people, places and things, but it is a disease and it will never go away–but it can go into remission if we don’t pick up the first drink, One Day at a Time, as they say.

    I learned a lot in AA and then in Al-Anon about alcoholism. I’m one of the lucky ones, but I fear for my son because he has not hit his bottom yet. We either stop or die usually, at some point, and I don’t want to lose him like I lost his Dad at 37–but I am ((powerless)) over his disease.

    Al-Anon helps me see this and how not to enable him. He is sober now, but only because he has no money to buy booze. Al-Anon really helps me to see that I have to take care of me, no matter what happens to my son, and I can’t fix him–only me. It really works, so I hope you give it a try.

  94. Hazel November 2012 at 7:05 pm

    In June my 33-year-old daughter called me, sobbing, and told me she was very sick. The furthest thing from my mind was alcoholism.

    She had been very distant for many years. Moved two hours away and seemed to not need her family, but was I wrong. Apparently she has been drinking and hiding it well. She went on antibuse and did well this summer. She said she was liberated that we knew her secret.

    Well, in August she became pregnant with her third child (she is married and her husband is with her). She had to go off the medicine and started drinking again. Pregnant and with her two little girls in the car. Her husband put her in the psyc ward for 4 days. They released her and she is supposed to start intense outpatient therapy.

    I don’t know what to do. I worry for the grandchildren and the unborn child. Now this week I find out that she was gang-raped in middle school and raped again in high school. She has never told anyone. She still hasn’t told me. Her husband told me.

    I am so sick that I didn’t see this. I wasn’t there for her and now she has become an alcoholic.

  95. Mo October 2012 at 10:21 am

    My 20-year-old daughter was hospitalized after almost going out of her mind. She tested positive for pot and alcohol and a pharmaceutical stimulant (given to her by a friend).

    She is a 4.0 college student, works every day, and it doesn’t seem to affect that. She denies all of this and that she has a problem. This is the 3rd trip to the hospital.

    She says she absolutely does not have a problem.

  96. Tyler October 2012 at 12:39 pm

    I have been sober for 3 and-a-half years and have recently found out my younger brother and best friend have been using together. My girlfriend of 2 years doesn’t want to be around them (which I understand) but doesn’t want me to help them either, or rather choose to be around them. They both are currently wanting help and I have taken them to meetings and talked about the disease concept, as well as even had a small meeting with them to get them used to the idea of going to meetings and speaking, as well as encouraged them to get a sponsor and to work the steps. So far they have been clean for 7 days and have made a lot of changes, one day at a time. I feel like turning my back on them is not the right decision. I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting, but I was wondering if it might be helpful for my girlfriend to attend one to maybe get a better understanding of what I am going through, as well as my brother and friend.

  97. mema September 2012 at 1:30 pm

    I have a 23-yr-old daughter who was a heroin addict at 16 yrs old, and she ended up in jail because of theft, and she ended up taking on another addiction. She became an alcoholic and she is the mother of a 6-yr-old, which I had to take custody of. I feel like I am in such pain. I sometimes don’t know where to turn.

  98. Bev September 2012 at 8:57 am

    The Al-Anon Steps, Slogans,& Serenity have been the greatest help, to help me discover God’s Loving Power, to keep me calm and not to react to my children’s drinking problems.

    I am so grateful for my Al-Anon sponsors & Al-Anon group members who listened & comforted me to continue to keep on believing in my Higher Power, while I was crying.
    They understood the heart-breaking painful process I was going through.

    They too, who had experienced the sadness & sorrow at watching their children journey the dark struggles of alcoholism, gave me hope to believe that God is with us in the Times of Trouble.

    Praying through the Al-Anon Steps & Serenity Prayer in the early days while my Mom & husband were actively drinking, gave me the courage to Believe in God to be my place of refuge.

    What a most wonderful Blessing to have taken those first early steps in Al-Anon “Let It Begin With Me” to walk in faith while my children were infants.

    The road to recovery to believe in God is my Helper, is now today shared with confidence when my adult children call in despair “Mom I am not going to make it,” I can share “yes you can!”

    Thanks be to God who has led me to Al-Anon to find His help through our Serenity Prayer & Steps and from the Al-Anon Members who share His Strength.

  99. Terissia September 2012 at 1:39 pm

    I have a 21-year-old son that has been in an out of trouble with alcohol since high school. He has been given an other-than-honorable discharge from the Navy because of alcohol and he has two minor consuming charges and a domestic violence charge on his record due to alcohol.

    He attended a vocational school last fall in a different town. He is currently living with us so he can save money for another technical school in Wyoming. The summer started out great! He was working hard, doing deckhand work on a charter boat. He turned 21 this last July and things have been downhill since.

    He is working part-time as a dishwasher at night. He is going to the bars 3-4 times a week after work. He says he is “just socializing and only having a few beers.” He will get home after bar closing time and sleep till noon, since his dish washing job is at night. He has yet to get a DUI, I am sure it is coming.

    I tried talking to my son about the problem and he only sees me trying to control his life and states I am making a big deal out of nothing, he is 21 and he is acting like any other 21-year-old. Currently I believe he is a functional alcoholic. Am I wrong in this assessment? Am I overreacting?

    My husband is gone for 10 days on a moose hunting trip. I am currently pondering telling my son he has to be out of the house before my husband comes back. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I will be attending my first Al-Anon meeting on Thursday.

    My son is attending substance abuse meetings and has a counselor. I feel he is not doing this for himself, he is only doing it so he can stay in our home. His attitude is he can make his own decisions and his dad and I need to butt out. So I am feeling if he wants to make his own decisions he can do it, but not in our home.

  100. Paula September 2012 at 12:46 am

    My 22-year-old daughter started drinking the minute she started college. Now it is two years of partying later, and she is in rehab. I have only been to one Al-Anon meeting so far, but I intend to start going regularly right away.

    Letting go is difficult because up to now, I have made my life about my kids! However, I am beginning to see that my letting go is better for her, for me, and for my entire family. I feel afraid of what will happen after rehab, but I will Trust–one day at a time. I already feel supported and strengthened by the words shared on this page. Thank you.

  101. Kelly September 2012 at 2:16 pm

    I’m 19 and have an alcoholic mother and father. I’ve never tried drinking or doing any recreational drugs as I see the effects with my family. I always wanted to go to an Al-Anon meeting to see what people feel and how they react, but I’m scared I will be shunned on to go since I’m not an alcoholic myself.

  102. karla August 2012 at 8:47 pm

    I feel very sad,.i feel confused, and my family hurts me more.

  103. Madison August 2012 at 5:40 am

    My 26-year-old daughter has been battling an addiction to drugs for 10 years. She has been to one of the best rehabs in the country, as well as numerous others. At the best and at the worst, they recommend the same thing to my family–go to Al-Anon and keep yourself from spiraling down with the addict.

    I came across this website and am so thankful that Al-Anon is here for all of us. I love the podcasts and all the comments. I’m grateful that there is a community of people who understand the stress and heartbreak of loving someone with such a damaging disease.

    All your stories ring true to me. Addicts take us all to the same place of fear. My mother was an alcoholic. My brother is an alcoholic/addict in recovery. My young niece lost her first job as an RN in an emergency room and is currently serving time in prison for driving under the influence continually. But nothing unravels me more than my sweet daughter’s life falling apart.

    Back to Al-Anon for me and my husband. Today, I will trust that God is bigger than me. Thanks to all of you for reminding me about the gift of Al-Anon.

  104. Barb July 2012 at 8:32 am

    I am a mother of 3–my daughter 19, my stepson 16, and our son 4. I also have an alcoholic husband. He doesn’t see it. He knows I think he has a problem, so instead of not drinking, he chooses to hide the beer and hard liquor. (I told him once, I would ask him to choose between the alcohol or me, but I would be afraid of his answer. He replied, why should I have to choose? I said, because that is the wrong answer.)

    Anyway, he works from home (has for over 10 years). I guess you could say he is a functioning alcoholic. He doesn’t get totally hammered, but he will have 3-4 every day, before I get home from work. (I find the empties. I leave them where they are so he doesn’t know I look for them.) I think he thinks if I don’t phyically see him drink, I won’t realize he is drinking (sometimes I don’t realize, but the new empties are there).

    He is not a happy drunk, not violent, but sarcastic and easily angered. He got his first public intoxication, 2 weeks ago. Spent the night in jail, didn’t call me (I was 7 hours away). He was visiting his brothers out of state. He didn’t take a breathilizer test, and now wants to fight the arrest.

    I can’t support him fighting it. I know he was drunk. (His whole family drinks excessively.) I don’t know what to do anymore. I have been thinking of trying an Al-Anon meeting, but know if I go (and he finds out) he will be really upset, and I don’t want to deal with it. I am just so tired of having a pickled husband.

  105. Rob July 2012 at 1:17 am

    Not sure where to start. We recently received a call from an acquaintance of our 22-year-old daughter. He states emphatically that she is using heroin and he is worried about her. Our daughter and he have a bit of history from high school days that ended badly. We confronted her with this disclosure the next day and she denied ever having used heroin. She recently lost her job for missing work because she was sick. They said they fired her because of showing up at the office under the influence.

    We called her this evening at 6:30 p.m. She answered the phone and was totally spaced out but denied having taken anything. We were concerned and went over to her place to make sure she was okay. She still denied taking anything, but looked pretty dopey. I asked for a sample of hair for testing to prove her claim of having done no heroin. She reacted very angrily to this and cut a hunk of hair off and gave it to me. We are now persona-non-grata in her life because of this request.

    It came to light that she was prescribed hydromorphone for pain. The hospital emergency room apparently also gave her oxycodone. She also admits to taking morphine pills, but says she doesn’t have a problem. This means the hair will test positive for opiates. There are some underlying health issues that she is seeing a specialist for on Monday and may require surgery.

    She shows so many signs of abuse–poor hygiene, her skin conditions are exacerbated. She just keeps saying it’s because she is sick. She is so convincing in causing doubts and making us believe we are idiots for not trusting her. All her electronics are still around so she hasn’t been selling things to get drugs. I don’t know what to believe.

  106. Debby June 2012 at 12:38 pm

    I’m a basket case right now. I’m going to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. I think my 30-year-old daughter has a prescription drug problem. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia a year ago. The drugs the specialist prescribed worked at first, but not for long.

    She found other doctors that would prescribe stronger and stronger drugs. She also started dating a guy around the same time. He would do things like leaving on a fishing trip and not showing back up for three days with no sleep and lots of fish, then sleep for 3 days. He was not quite right.

    They got engaged, she got fired from her job and she relocated to his house in a town where he lives, but I also live. It has been horrible since she moved, she started going to his “pain” management specialist, and I have found out, still going to her doc in the former town.

    They fought non-stop and she always complained that he wasn’t happy unless he was controling her. He called or texted her non-stop every time she came over or we went shopping. To make matters worse, she has a 3-year-old daughter and he a 9-year-old son.

    It has gone from bad to worse since April first. Sometimes she cannot get out of bed to take the kids to school, says she hurts. He is trying to get on disability from an accident for which he has to take pain meds. Neither one works or is trying to work. Yet, they have a lot of nice stuff.

    I have a restraining order against the fiancé, because he threatened to kill me one of the times my daughter called me to come get her. My daughter has lied and cried to get me and her ex-husband to pay for daycare and clothes and gas for her car ( which we bought and she is supposed to repay).

    She has moved into my house three times to get away from her fiancé, but moved back in a few days. She said I didn’t make her feel welcome. I wouldn’t let her get wasted on the pills and alcohol. Now her ex-husband and I are taking her to court to try to get the 3-year-old out of that house.

    My daughter’s whole personality has changed. She verbally attacks me non-stop–this is all my fault because I won’t forgive them or the things they have done. She says they keep apologizing and I cannot see my granddaughter until I support their relationship.

    I had to get an alarm system in my house! She even came in my house at 1:45 am one night, set off the alarm, and when I went into my kitchen there was one of his thug friends in my kitchen. She screamed at me for over an hour, while she packed up her stuff she had left here.

    I have tried to get her straight, but realize that I can’t. But I have to try to get my granddaughter out of there. Court is day after tomorrow. We have asked for a hair follicle drug test, but her attorney is trying to block it. It’s going to be horrible to face my daughter in court.

    I’m a basket case. I can’t stop crying. My daughter texts and calls me non-stop saying she needs her mommy, then when I do talk to her, screams at me non-stop.

    I’m going to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. I wish I would have started sooner. This is killing me and my husband. He’s working out of state and can’t get home. We have taken care of my granddaughter so very much this past year because my daughter wasn’t “feeling” well. It’s killing us not to be able to see her and get her away from that mess. I don’t know what to do.

  107. Dawn June 2012 at 12:13 pm

    My 27-year-old son has had a drug problem since his teens. It has harmed so many in his life. His younger siblings suffered drastically over the years, as did his father and I. Now he has a 3-year-old child and it is creating so many issues for that child.

    The mother of the child also has a drug problem and the baby was recently removed from her and placed with my son’s father. My son makes 800 dollars every two weeks, as does his live-in girlfriend. Their lights were shut off last week for non payment. His license has been suspended again. His car was impounded last night. He blames me for it all or he says he’s trying.

    I turned him in once and he did 3 years in prison for a class d felony. When his son was first born he had stopped everything and was doing well. Now here we are again. I have turned him into the cops, but they couldn’t do anything because he was smart enough to not let them in.

    He has never ever let me forget that I am the reason he went to prison or that he has this felony on him. His father says I am in the wrong for what I have done and backs up our son. Yet, in the next breath wants him to take our grandson.

    I feel so horrible right now. I cannot do this anymore!!! I know this is my son’s doings, but his guilt trips are destroying me. I wanna run over and just help him. But I don’t know how. Now there is a 3-year-old child who is suffering as well.

    I am at a loss about what to do anymore. I cry all the time. I am so mad at him and yet love him beyond belief. There is no escaping, it seems. I am afraid if he loses too much he will harm himself. He has never threatened, but “a mother knows.”

  108. dee May 2012 at 4:02 pm

    I’ve just found this site and it’s nice to see I’m not alone–just wish we were all together in a different situation.

    My child’s father has a serious drinking problem and I did my best to help him for 2 years, with no joys whatsoever. I ended stopping all forms of contact as it was killing me–emotionaly, mentally and physically. I couldn’t cope or watch him get worse. He randomly calls or turns up but I stick to my guns and don’t let him in.

    I hadn’t seen or heard from him for 7 months and he turns up looking very unwell and a lot worse than when I was helping him out. It’s sad. I feel guilty for turning my back, but have no other options. I did my best, but I can’t change him. I know, I tried. I just wish there were answers and something I could do. He chooses to drink and is killing himself. I can’t stop caring. It hurts so bad to see him so ill.

  109. Cathy April 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Last week, a new member came to our local Al-Anon group. She admitted to sitting in her car in the parking lot on two other occasions; too afraid to come in. Al-Anon is the best thing that ever happened to me – I wish I had let go of my foolish pride and attended my first meeting years ago.

  110. Laura April 2012 at 11:08 pm

    My almost 25-year-old son will not admit that he has a drinking and/or drug problem. I have been enabling him for many years and finally decided to stop the madness (he is in another state with his father). My husband and I came into a little money, paid off his fines to get him off parole, helped him (bought) him a used car so he could get a job and get his life together, and it’s just gone downhill.

    He’s lost 2 jobs, wrecked the car, lost his place to live due to a fight with his father (physical fight), has countless hospital and doctor bills from going to the hospitals to get meds for “pain” (no insurance). I’ve been researching Al-Anon but have not gone to a meeting yet, but decided that I am finished sending money to him. He sold his wrecked car on Tuesday for $350 and has been begging me for the last 2 days to send money for a place to live. I cannot do it anymore. It’s gone way beyond helping.

    He keeps threatening to harm himself, tells me he’s sleeping in a field, cursing at me, then calming down. It’s horrible. I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth anymore. He’s tried to scam me for money more than once. He cannot live with his dad anymore, due to his dad’s landlord moving in with a high security clearance and my son is a felon.

    I’ve tried to talk him into going to a rehab place in another state, but since he “doesn’t have a problem” he says he won’t go. I’ve told him that this is the only thing I can offer him right now, but he keeps texting and texting, begging me, “Mom, why won’t you help me?” “Mom, what am I supposed to do?” “Mom, I need a place to stay.” “Mom, I need food and a shower.”

    I’ve also given him the number to a shelter in the town he’s in. I feel I’ve given him some viable options, but all he wants is money. It’s SO frustrating, especially knowing how I would feel if he DID harm himself! I’m sticking to my guns, but it’s killing me :-((

  111. Andrea March 2012 at 11:43 am

    This is the first time I have visited this site and I can relate to the posts I’ve been reading. My 26-year-old son is an alchoholic. We have gone through years of trying to help him by supporting him emotionally and financially, only to continually be disappointed with his self-destructive actions.

    We are planning to attend our first Al-Anon meeting in our area tomorrow night. I need to understand how to stop feeling like a failure when he calls with his crises and I cannot fix it. I know it’s his problem and only he can help himself, but it’s just so agonizing as a parent to feel this helpless.

  112. brenda February 2012 at 11:19 pm

    I so much appreciate what I have read in these comments tonight. I am thankful that I still have our youngest of three sons still alive and with us, even though he has been in jail since July of 2011 and is facing a sentence in prison of approximately three years.

    My husband and I will be married 44 years on February 24, 2012. He was a drinking man when we married and I loved him–” unto,” not into, sobriety. He quit drinking in 1986 only 18 years after we were married!! His recovery has amazed many people, including myself!

    He never attended an AA meeting, just made the choice after the third DUI in less than two months. He didn’t say he was quitting. He just said he was slacking up. He made no promises except one; he promised that if he couldn’t do it alone he would seek help.

    I know he did not do it alone. God helped him. God gave him strength, courage, wisdom and a sound mind to do it. I praise that HP!!!!

    Now I’m praying for my “baby boy,” WHO IS ONLY 38!! I know if God helped my husband, He will help my son.

    I appreciate the comment on unconditional love, because in the beginning of my son’s addiction to Meth, he asked me one day, “Momma, do you love me?” I replied, yes. Then he asked me a question that I had to think about for a minute. My son asked me if I loved him unconditionally, even if he was a drug addict. That was something heavy for me at the time because I thought only GOD was capable of loving unconditionally, but God opened my heart’s eyes and let me know that it was possible for me to love unconditionally–and I gladly told my son “Yes, I love you no matter what!”

    I know without a doubt that HP is going to help my son–he is well on his way to recovery.

    There are so many comments I have read tonight that have encouraged and inspired me and given me more hope, and I appreciate each one–especially the one about the three C’s; “I didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it.” But I will be there to help my son as he makes each new step into the better life that God has in store for him.

    I would like to say that I have been a serene person for all of my soon to be sixty five years but that would be a lie; however, I am gaining a more serene lifestyle as time goes on. I have faced many dark trials in my little lifetime, and many that I thought I would never get through. But God, my HP, my Ebenezer, my help thus far, has seen me through them all.

    I think that HP has been taking me through the Twelve Steps most of my life and I am in no way negating the need for AA, Al-Anon, or any other organization that offers such great help to any of us who find ourselves in positions where our lives are out of control and we need help to get back on the right path.

    Please pray for my son, my family, and all those who need recovery. Thank you for letting me speak.

  113. Dot February 2012 at 11:22 pm

    I am in so much pain. My son is 34. He has been drinking since he was 16. He’s lost his 2 kids, his girlfriend has kicked him out many times. She’s a nut case but I can’t blame her for kicking him out. We tried to help and have enabled him. We helped him buy a home so he would have a place to live. Since then, he has started drinking a lot, every day.

    He works as a pipe fitter, but I don’t know how long that can go on. The house we helped him get is always trashed, with beer cans, cigarettes. He didn’t grow up like that. The ex won’t let him see his kids and because she is angry, she won’t let us see them either.

    My husband and I are in our late 50’s. We are so damn tired and so hurt. Because of our son’s many years of self destruction, it has taken its toll. We need help. I am going to try to find an Al-Anon meeting in our area. I mean, we have nothing else to lose.

  114. mary January 2012 at 11:17 am

    I am so grateful I found this site! I have been starting to go to Al-Anon meetings twice a week, and while I don’t understand all parts of the program yet, I am learning. I prayed last week that my higher power would do something before my first son lost his son (due to problem drinking), and a few days ago my third son called and said his brother (first son; they live together in my third son’s home) was threatening to kill him, (guns were around, which I HATE), an 18-pack of beer had been consumed, vomit was everywhere, and he had thrown antique furniture around, breaking them into pieces.

    My third son is going to have to kick my first son out of his house. He informed me he (first son) has also returned to a meth addiction he has struggled with in the past. My third son is also struggling to get healthy on his own, has his own addictions with prescription drugs and alcohol.

    We all support the third son’s decision, but are so afraid for the pain it will cause the first son. I pray it will be a huge wake-up call, instead of just pain. This is heart-wrenching for my third son, because he dearly loves his brother, but he feels he can’t go on living with his older brother.

    I am grateful for the serenity I am beginning to learn from Al-Anon and my higher power over this situation. My biggest fear, besides the death and destruction of my oldest son’s health, is that he will lose his son who is now 7. He only sees him 4 times a month, which we all as a family fought for. He is mostly sober when he watches him, but his drinking and drugging are escalating right now.

    I usually help him with the grandson, but I am living in another state right now, partly because I have such a hard time detaching when I live near my children, and it was affecting me in such a negative way. Someone mentioned visualizing them healthy and that is something I am going to starting doing every time the fear starts up. I visualize a fit, healthy man, not drinking or drugging, happy, stable with a job and car and home and a loving and close relationship with his son.

    All my sons are beautiful people, but all three have issues with drinking and drugs. Their father is and was a habitual pot-smoker that changed and changes his behavior in a very negative way. He was very abusive when they were growing up and continues to be abusive at times, especially to my oldest son–especially when my sweet loving son turns into someone else, a violent abusive man, when he drinks.

    There is so much love in our close family even through all of this. We are all trying to deal with how alcohol and drugs have affected things. I am so grateful to Al-Anon and am looking forward to working this program and fighting for my own serenity–and to support in a healthy, lovingly detached way, all of my children as we all work on our individual recovery from this disease.

    My daughter seems to know more about detaching with love and helps me, even though she knows nothing about these principles! And I pray our whole family grows closer through all of this.

  115. Mel January 2012 at 6:48 am

    My daughter has started to go to AA last week. She is 44, supposed to go Tues, didn’t, also Saturday and didn’t. I told her that I was very disappointed and also said you have let yourself down again. She said to me that AA says that it is ok to do this and I shouldn’t make her feel bad.

    My husband and I accepted her back home after a long relationship. She has a naltrexone implant, also medication that stops the desire to drink. I said to her once you no longer have these you will need AA more, but she knows it all.

    I am in my 60’s and find it’s all too hard and am so stressed, at the same time I love her so much. She is very irresponsible too. Her father died in his 50’s due to alcohol, and most of his family are alcoholics. I plan to go yo Al-Anon, but after all these years of trying to help I feel I can’t cope anymore. I suffer depression more because of it. I hope I can find some help.

  116. Sharon December 2011 at 11:12 am

    I have been to Al-Anon meetings in the past with my husband and also by myself, because of our 37-year-old daughter’s (only child) alcoholism. She got married in August of 2009 and since shortly before the wedding and after she has been drinking.

    In August of this year, her husband kicked her out and she moved into our home. She started back to college again in September, but the stress caused her to drink again and drive and get charged with DUI on September 29th and her license suspended for 3 months and thus quit college at the end of October.

    Since that time, we have driven her to and from her AA meetings every day, medical appointments, counselling and now she has started working again as a server because of the busy season, which includes serving alcohol. Thankfully, she is staying sober, but she says she can’t afford taxis to go to places and we are at least a 15-minute walk away from a bus stop.

    She is good with money and has savings. She works at night and during the days. Between driving her to and from her AA meetings, to the gym, to counselling and to her medical appointments, I don’t have any time to go to an Al-Anon meeting for myself.

    I say we will continue to drive her to AA meetings, her medical appointments and counselling appointments and the occasional drive to work and picking her up again, but if she wants to go to the gym that she can take public transit or use some of our exercise equipment or go for a walk, but she gets upset and we all get in an argument on a regular basis.

    I feel we are enabling her and WE are paying the consequences of her not being able to drive for the 3 months, but my husband insists that we continue to drive her everywhere. We both agree that she should take on the financial burden of the lawyer fees, fines, etc. that come along with her DUI charge, so that she will learn that there are consequences of her drinking. We constantly argue about this and now both my husband and my daughter are mad at me, because I am exhausted and don’t want to do all this driving around.

    Christmas has always been a difficult and depressing time for me, but now I am even more depressed with all this stuff going on. I have been on meds for anxiety and depression for about a year and a half and I feel it affects my memory, so that is bothering me too. I don’t even have time to see my own doctor.

    I know that I should take it one day at a time, and let go and let God, but I am exhausted and now my family hates me. My husband and I were to go to a meeting tonight with her alcohol counselor, but he says he won’t go anywhere with me and my daughter says she wishes I was dead.

    There are no Al-Anon meetings in our area at the moment or I would go there and I am going to still go to the counselor meeting tonight, but I plan on going to one tomorrow. Before our daughter moved into our home again, my husband of 39 years and I were getting along great, but now there is strife between us.

    I wonder if I am being selfish or wrong in my thinking that our daughter find her own way to some of these events, or if we should continue to drive her places. I feel so alone in my feelings now that both my husband and my daughter are mad at me.

  117. denise m December 2011 at 7:23 am

    I am the mother of a 36-year-old diabetic son who has a drinking problem. I am at my wits end. He got a DWI 5 years ago and went to rehab and did not drink while on probation for 3 years. As soon as he was off, he started drinking again, more and more.

    My son is mildly learning-disabled and has anxiety disorders. I am feeling so guilty. He had a rough childhood with an alcoholic father. He has no insurance to get him help. He says he will stop, but doesn’t. I hope Al-Anon can help us.

  118. Gail October 2011 at 1:49 pm

    So happy to find this site. I have been feeling so alone. I have been to Al-Anon. However, didn’t find it helpful because it’s not my husband or partner who is the alcoholic, but my daughter. There has always only been the two of us and I feel like such a failure as a mother. Is that not what mothers do? Help their children and take the pain away? I can’t do that for her anymore and my life has literally fallen apart around me.

    The main difficulty is that I know it will be me who will have to go to the hospital next time she has a seizure, or because her vitamin B level has dropped so low her liver is failing, or she has halucinations because of withdrawal. It’s so scary and having no one to talk to leads me to absolute despair. How can I go to work not knowing what I will find when I go home? How can I sleep at night, worrying I will hear a thump at 3am and have to call an ambulance?

    I had a rule where there is no alcohol in the house. Doesn’t help. Only difference is I don’t have a glass of wine if I feel like it, but my daughter is in her room, drinking alone till she passes out.

    Perhaps I need to go back to meetings and learn the steps. I just find it difficult to detach with love when my daughter is only 24 and has so much life ahead of her.

  119. Tammy July 2011 at 5:24 am

    Our 34-year-old son has a serious problem with drinking. This has been going on since he was a teenager. I have driven him to meetings, sat through the meetings with him, visited him in jail due to more than 1 DWI. Things are still getting worse.

    My husband and I are in our 50’s and this is taking a major toll on our health. Our son came to our home last night so drunk he couldn’t walk, and wants to be sober (again). He wouldn’t go to the hospital. He says he knows how to do this by himself. He said he has to wean off it, so he wanted us to drive him to his apt so he could get a shot to wean off slowly.

    If we didn’t drive him, he was going to walk (2 miles on a busy highway), and if we took him to the hospital he was going to jump out. If he walked home, he said, “I will drink myself to death,” a phrase he has begun to use a lot, which terrifies me. I can’t tell you how sick we are about this. He has quit many times, but just won’t remain sober.

    We need to go to a meeting to find a way to relieve some of this stress. Our grandson was removed from his home last weekend because of his drinking. I wonder if/when this will end. Please pray for my family.

  120. Jan May 2011 at 1:04 pm

    My son is 39 yrs old and is well aware that he has a huge problem with alcohol. He drinks every single day, hard liquor ( with almost no mix ), and is not the same person at all. This is the hardest thing , I find, for a mother to deal with. I realize I cannot fix him, but I am having great difficulty living with this… I have more or less stopped living as well, lost all interest in things I used to enjoy, have no energy left.

    As another stated , his personality has changed from a very respectful, shy, hard-working, quiet type to one who is angry, negative , argumentative and loud.

    There are no more family X-mas’, family get togethers in our family anymore. His one & only sister refuses to be around him. I as well have had to keep my distance. His father has nothing to do with him, all he has left is me, one who cannot handle any form of stress anymore ( due to health issues).

    Recently I found a very tiny Al-Anon group here where we live, so hopefully things will change with me.

    I made the mistake of asking 2 AA members to stop in on him; they spent 2 hrs with him, and since then he no longer confides in me when he is feeling down & out. He also stopped seeing the AA counselor who was working with him (even tho she knew he was still drinking) after the 2 members spoke with him.

    I know he wants to stop drinking, (but refuses to attend meetings). He just can’t seem to do it.

    This is a devastating disease, one that affects all. At least from hearing these podcasts, and reading the comments, I know I am not alone in this.

  121. Esti April 2011 at 11:37 pm

    My son is an alcoholic. He is 34, divorced, has 2 children. It took yrs for me to notice he had a drinking problem. About 9 yrs ago he separated from his wife and came to live with me. He drank every day and stayed out almost all night. But the next day he went to work. He has been at his job for almost 14 yrs.

    He is a wonderful person, very loving and respected. But, it has gotten harder for him to hide it. He has had many problems because of his drinking. And just in the last 6 months he starts to drink and can’t stop, not even to go to work. He just hides in his apartment alone. After a few bad scares to the emergency room, one day I went to see if he was home. I found him in bed, had been drinking for 4 days. He was shaking and crying.

    I begged him to go in for treatment. He had been going to AA meetings and he has a sponsor. But, he could not do this alone. He said yes and that same day I took him in. Today is the 45th day of him being sober. He got out of the treatment center today. I am so very proud of him. But, I am still very scared. He lives alone and didn’t want me to stay with him. I have been in contact with him all day. He went to his AA meeting tonight and saw his sponsor.

    I don’t know how to trust that he will be fine. I don’t know how to fall asleep knowing that he won’t go get a bottle. I don’t want him to think I don’t believe in him that he can do this. So don’t tell him my fears. I don’t know what to do with myself!

    My son told me today about Al-Anon, that I should go to the meetings. I had read some information online already. I have faith in God. I pray for my son. And I know that him going into treatment was a prayer answered.

  122. Jennifer April 2011 at 8:27 pm

    My son is 24 years old now, and has been saying for about 4 years that he has a drinking problem. Unfortunately, we didn’t know what that meant and tried our best to kindly fix everything for him when he had difficulties. We came to the sad realization, years later, that these difficulties were from drinking.

    This came to a crisis after a series of events that we eventually realized were drinking related. All the typical stuff, from paying fees for an overdrawn checking account, to helping him move when he couldn’t get along with a roommate, to taking him in when he doubted his ability to take care of himself. At our home he tried to work while still drinking but, after a year, made the misjudgment to quit his job, and escalate his solitary drinking in his bedroom. He hardly went out.. My husband and I couldn’t believe this was going on and thought he would catch on that he was ruining his relationships and life with the judgments he made when drinking, but he didn’t stop.

    He started a descent into heavier and heavier drinking, and started neglecting any responsibilities or courtesy around the house. Then he started to behave rudely for the first time in his life. This son had been the easiest, sweetest, most promising child; hardly ever a minute’s trouble. For the first time I became very scared for myself, my husband, and my alcoholic son.

    In desperation, 7 weeks ago, we came to an Al-Anon meeting. It didn’t give us the fix for my son’s problems, but they said don’t make any decision until we had been to 6 meetings at various groups. At first it didn’t make complete sense, but we continued in desperation to go to meetings.

    The “God” thing was difficult to understand, but we became more aware that this terminology was non-denominational, and that we were free to respect our own perceptions concerning the energies of life, as did many in the group we settled into. As we listened to the stories of other parents we started to get a picture of what our situation was, and what part we played in our son’s alcoholism. We discovered that we were powerless over alcohol.

    We read the literature and slowly got “off the merry-go-round” of allowing him to provoke our anger so that he could use a reflection of his own self-hatred as an excuse to drink. We started becoming unresponsive to his crises and complaints, not allowing him to cause us anxiety by what parts of his life he was currently messing up. We offered to take him with us to A.A. and Al-Anon meetings, which he defiantly refused. Finally, we made him leave our house after he kicked a door in, in a rage, by threatening to have the police remove him. This was not a single incident, but it crossed the line for me.

    He left, defiantly raising the bottle of vodka as he marched through our yard and out the back gate. Over several days this led to a continuation of heavy drinking, with two arrests, and a call that there was an unconscious person in our back yard. Our son had no place to go and was sleeping in our backyard in 30-degree weather. We still refused to let him in, and he refused to provide for himself even though he had plenty of money.

    A couple days later he was found in a distant city with a blood alcohol level that would kill most people, in a coma, robbed of his belongings and alone. The emergency personnel put him on a ventilator and barely saved his life. After finding that he was newly insured due to the health-care reform, the services got better and he was able to go by his own choice (he had no other choices?) into detoxification, after 16 hours and two days of coordinating this with constantly changing shifts of health-care workers.

    He is currently at a detox facility. He says he was diagnosed with depression and doesn’t talk about the alcohol. We will not be able to have him at our house again because we were killing him with kindness, and we don’t want him to die. Our Al-Anon involvement has taught us many things, but mostly that we are not responsible for his decisions. The slogans, reading the literature, and conversation have helped us clarify what is happening, and helped us realize that we cannot cure this disease. That it is our son’s responsibility and burden.

    He begs us to come home, but our home has been almost destroyed by living with this nightmare disease. I have a new confidence that the only choice is to allow him the dignity of choosing and providing for his own path. This may not help him, but there is really no other choice available. I am grateful for the wisdom and comfort that the Al-Anon literature and meetings have provided for us while we are having such difficult times.

    Each meeting is like a wonderful group therapy. I am sure that everyone in our group experiences the same magic that we do; that is a new jewel of self-discovery and insight from each of the very special members who share during a meeting, as well as the dependable slogans, statements, Steps, and Traditions covered before a group discussion.

  123. Anita March 2011 at 8:06 am

    My 40-year-old son is extremely angry with me because I didn’t support him in his fight for partial custody of my granddaughter during his divorce 3 years ago. I had witnessed him being abusive toward her and I thought she would be safer away from him. He does not seem to believe that he has a problem. I started going to Al-Anon 3 years ago when this all happened, and have been attending meetings and working the Steps.

    My son’s situation is no better, and my granddaughter has been in institutions for two years because of her behavior problems. I am working with my sponsor to detach from the situation, to take care of myself, and to try to change my perspective. I am grateful for the support of my group and my sponsor as I try to keep the focus on myself. The Steps are helpful, as are the slogans. Recently I have been focusing on turning my will and my life over to the care of God – Let Go and Let God.

  124. Sally March 2011 at 9:45 pm

    I am 53 years old and have been a mother since the age of 17, so it seems like my whole life I have been taking care of other people. So, when I watched my son’s life deteriorate from excessive drinking and I didn’t know how to “care for” or “fix” his drinking, it was extremely painful. Through God’s grace, I was led to Al-Anon by my son’s decision to admit himself to a treatment center.

    After he had made all the arrangements, he asked my husband and I to drive him to the rehab facility where we were interviewed by an intake specialist who recommended Al-Anon. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting during my son’s detox week. It’s been a slow process to comprehend the magnitute of the program, but little by little it’s working in all areas of my life. I’m happy to have a program that helps me keep the focus on improving myself, while my son works his own program.

    I am planning to keep with the program throughout my lifetime, as I will be a work in progress until I am no longer breathing. So, while my son’s drinking is what brought me to Al-Anon, it’s my own desire to learn how to be a better person that keeps me coming back.

  125. Charlotte March 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Our District Representative made me aware of this site. I have been attending Al-Anon for about 5 years. This podcast reminded me to allow my son the freedom to make his own choices. As a parent I think this is very hard, but I learned from past situations that stepping in doesn’t help and can make situations worse.

    The effect on the family hits home with me. I am much more aware of how everyone is affected and that it takes work to bring the family back to a balance. After 5 years of working my own program, our family dynamics have improved, but I see there is still much healing that is needed.

    Through Al-Anon, I am just focusing on “me” and things I can do to improve my relationship with all in the family. I realize each person in the family must take their own steps. I am very thankful for one-day-at-a-time!

  126. Denise January 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Well, I started my Al-Anon journey here on Dec. 31, 2010. Re-reading my first post is enlightening for me. Now I see the consumption I granted my qualifier in my life and the real sickness I possess. I am attending meetings and/or in the literature every day. I am not sure where I will end up. However, I am faithful. Circumstances are not very different around me; thankfully, I am different. I am changing, learning, growing and accepting. Daily, God is with me. I know that I am not in control. And when the knowledge of my “absence of control” provokes anxiety, I reach for MY program. Thank you~Sincerely.

  127. Maureen January 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Our daughter (27) admits she has a problem now. She went to college out of country and has been back but living away with her boyfriend. She called very early this morning and wants to come home tomorrow. She is on the other side of U.S. We love her dearly, but do not know how we could handle/help her with her addictions. We should be retired, but will have to work many years more to cover her past medical bills. She went to a couple of meetings and when I asked her if she is still going she said, “No, I don’t like them.”‘

    I do not want to enable her to run away back home. I want her to, for once, stay put, get help, and get work that fits her education and qualifications. Her dad and I are older now and won’t be able to leave her alone here while we work. She wants to get married in a couple of months, but should seek help for her addictions before making this commitment. There is no Al-Anon here close.
    The comments above are very helpful. I sent for some books.

  128. Helen January 2011 at 12:02 am

    I thought that there was nothing worse than having an alcoholic child. I felt so guilty. I felt that I had failed as a mother. Al-Anon taught me that I didn’t cause it, couldn’t control it, and couldn’t cure it. The only thing that I could do for my child was to turn him over to his Higher Power and turn to mine for strength and forgiveness. Al-Anon taught me to live my life one day at a time. I have applied the Al-Anon principles to all aspects of my life including cancer, stroke, diabetes and depression in family members and myself. I am fortunate that I found Al-Anon 27 years ago. It has given me a life worth living.

  129. Pat L. January 2011 at 7:09 pm

    My experience in Al-Anon has gifted me with a lot of tools. I have found that when dealing with the alcoholic (son) I choose to love him just as he is today. When we get phone calls asking for money, I pause and listen. I find the “oh” and “no” answers work for me. “Mom, I’ve quit my job.” “Oh.” “Mom, can I have $600?” “No.” “I guess I’ll have to move in with a friend.” “Oh.” “Can I have $600?” “No.”

    “I think I’ll rob a bank.” “Oh, sorry but we will not visit you; we love you, goodbye.” I was able to keep my dignity and grace as it states in the Al-Anon “One Day at a Time” book, p. 189.

    When I have the “urge” to call him…I pause and use HALT…am I too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. If I am one of these, I take care of me first. If I’m not okay, then I have a post-it next to my phone which says, “DON’T DIAL PAIN.” It is then I make a choice. When I’m okay and I call and the conversation is not going well, Al-Anon gives me another choice and I say, “Uh-oh, time for me to hang up; I love you, goodbye!” There again I am given the grace to be good to myself and to allow him to be wherever he is.

  130. Kathy January 2011 at 4:14 pm

    We were contacted by our 22-yr-old son, that he had been arrested for DUI. He needed money, $1,000 to be exact, for bail. We did not provide him with the bail. We do not know if that was a right or wrong thing to have done. We did not hire him an attorney. Although we did inform him that he would need one. We suggested he look for one and see what it costs and if he finds that he cannot afford one then he needs to have a public defender. That is his choice.

    His father also made the suggestion that he seek a recovery/rehab program. Meanwhile, I went online and located Al-Anon and we attended our first meeting the week after our son had telephoned us with the DUI news. We do not know if our reaction was right or wrong. There was no yelling, screaming or gnashing of teeth. Just my husband’s matter-of-fact approach and calmness on the telephone to our son. We want to be unified in how we respond to our son. We want to be in agreement on how to handle this crisis. We are at a loss. We have no point of reference for dealing with this.

  131. Libby January 2011 at 1:25 pm

    I have been in Al-Anon for over three years following my adult son’s entry into recovery and AA. He made an amazing change in his life through his program and literally changed everything.

    Unfortunately, his health was greatly affected also, and his body was having difficulty healing. His failing liver required a liver transplant this past year, and then another six weeks later. His program helped him with the acceptance of everything he had to face. My brave son died a few months ago from complications of these surgeries and, needless to say, this grief is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. My program and the loving fellowship I receive there have kept me going. I know my son would want me to still participate now more than ever… one day at a time.

  132. Bill January 2011 at 3:56 pm

    I have been a member of Al-Anon for many years. My wife is now a recovering alcoholic, and I am thankful every day she is sober. Now my son has a drinking problem, and although it is different when it is your child rather then your spouse, I am so fortunate to have the tools I learned in Al-Anon. The most important thing for me to remember is that although I raised my son and provided him with direction, I am not responsible for his drinking. The three C’s we often refer to – I didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it are powerful reminders in my thoughts and prayers.

    What I can do is take care of myself and let my son know that I am here to help him when he is ready. In the meantime I will use the tools I have learned in Al-anon–the steps, slogans, literature and meetings. If I can help provide a healthier family situation, perhaps it will help us both.

  133. marie January 2011 at 1:34 am

    I have learned that I do not own my child. God only gave her to me for a while. She is responsible for her choices, now that she is an adult. Even if I was God, wouldn’t I respect her free will, as He has given that to her as well as all of us?

    Is that easy to do? Actually, it is. Al-Anon has given me the ability to realize how much easier that is compared to trying to control and fix what I am not capable of controling or fixing. The most difficult thing I have to cope with is to continue to take care of myself properly. Al-Anon always reminds me how important that is, because I truly stopped doing the things I needed to do for myself because I was always so worried and upset.

    Do I love my daughter? I unconditionally love her. It really isn’t love if there are conditions on it. I love her enough to say she can’t live in our home, because she can’t seem to stay sober here. She is now living in a sober house following several rehabs. I believe there is the help and support she really needs. If she wants it. I pray she wants it.

    I can’t imagine any pain greater than to watch your child suffer from this horrible disease. That being said, all diseases are ugly. At least with this one there is hope and the cure depends on the person’s willingness to live the AA program or whatever works for them. Other illnesses have more limitations.

    The nice thing is that so many alcoholics become better people than they otherwise might have been after recovery. This seems true for those that found it necessary to go to Al-Anon, too.

  134. Denise December 2010 at 7:48 pm

    I am grateful for this podcast. I have a hard time finding meetings often enough. As many times as I have searched the web for support, this is the first time here specifically. My teenage son is more into pharmaceuticals. I have a hard time with boundaries and the truth. It’s hard when they say they do not want to quit. It’s a hard to set boundaries. I’m faithful though.

  135. ruth December 2010 at 2:06 pm

    I have a son that is an alcoholic. He is away at school. He came home for xmas and he drinks every day. Not in the house, but he goes out and I see the cups in my car when he comes back.

  136. Pat December 2010 at 10:50 pm

    My son’s drinking is ruining his life and mine. I need to learn how to stop helping him.

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