How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?

Pam, Anna, and Betty, all active Al-Anon members, are talking about how they deal with unacceptable behavior.

How to locate a meeting

2017-07-27T17:58:13+00:00August 10, 2010|Categories: Alcoholic Spouse or Partner, Common Concerns|


  1. Samantha October 2018 at 8:02 pm

    I feel like you wrote my story. It helps to know I am not alone although I am alone.


  2. Kit September 2018 at 10:20 pm

    First of all, I just want to say that I am so sorry for anyone that is here because obviously you are dealing with an alcoholic in your life. It is one of the saddest loneliest feelings in the world hearing an alcoholic rant and rave and act like a total idiot and knowing that its a dirty little secret that you have to keep within the family because most people just wouldn’t believe or understand unless they have been there.

    My story is rather different than most of what I have read on here. I do not love the alcoholic in my life. My husband. I can’t stand him. I am just waiting for the day that I can walk away and never look back. He absolutely refuses to get help and enjoys drinking. He doesn’t want help or to be “saved” in any way shape or form. He is a very mean angry abusive drunk (mentally only). Some will say that mental abuse is worse. I wont say that but I will say that it rapidly takes any feelings of love out of the equation until you absolutely cannot stand the person.

    I grew up with an alcoholic grandfather. Every time he was around he was drunk. Mean sullen and just nasty. He managed to ruin every holiday the family had with him. Luckily, I didn’t leave with him or near him but the times I seen him was enough to make me frightened of him. He died at 65 from hemorraging of the esophagus. No surprise to anyone he had been warned for years.

    My best friend at 15 was killed by a drunk driver while riding a bicycle. I missed seeing the accident by 5 minutes. My father seen the whole thing. Her parents kept her on life support for 2 weeks hoping for a miracle but she had been struck in the head..there was no chance. I don’t think I came to terms for years with what happened.

    Needless to say, I can’t stand people that don’t know when to stop drinking. I don’t drink, I don’t like the smell of beer and don’t want anything to do with “party people”. I went into great detail about this with my now husband before we married. He was a very smart, handsome man and I loved him very much. He understood. He had an uncle that was the shame of his family because he was an alcoholic. We lived together for 14 happy years, had 2 kids and the all american dream.

    My father in law passed away unexpectedly. My husband had a nervous breakdown and never got help. He refused. Alcohol became his lifeline. He was a school bus driver and was drinking vodka and putting it in a water bottle and driving the school bus. I opened up his back pack one night and found it. I went to his car opened up the trunk and there were at least 15 fifth of vodka’s in the trunk..all empty. I walked out. 2 years later he was in a nursing home given only days to live because of cirrhosis of the liver. I felt sad but I was away from him and didn’t care because he had done it all to himself.

    Somehow he didn’t die. It was basically a miracle from what the doctors said. He was in the nursing home for 18 months and somehow survived. He got out, started drinking again…just as bad as before. How he is still alive is beyond me. He drinks so much that he can’t stand up and will still keep drinking. He throws up and turns right around and starts drinking again. He has huge purple blotches all over his arms and has to hide them when he goes out in public.

    I made the mistake of not divorcing him and came back to try to help him several years ago. I gave up my job thinking I could help him. You cant help those that don’t want help. When sober he will say he loves to drink and he isn’t going to stop. He won’t. I have been called every name in the book by him, accused of things not even possible and listened to his ridiculous stories. I live in fear that we will be kicked out of the apartment we live in because he makes so much noise when he is drunk. He will go 2-3 days without sleep when he is drunk. He has walked outside totally naked, knocked on strangers doors telling them he is lost, he has been pulled over by the police on his motorized scooter more times than I can remember. Yet still he drinks.

    I feel sorry for him when he is sober but when he is drunk I hate him. I just want to have enough money to go away. At 57, this isnt the life I seen for myself. God help us all.

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  4. Pamela August 2018 at 2:36 pm

    I am a 50 year old woman who thought she finally made sense of why the tragedies in life had occurred when I met my current bf of 14 months. Slowly, I have seen his true self unfold. He is an alcoholic and his frequency in getting annihilated has increased. After several concerning “talks” about his behavior and his reassurances he didn’t have a problem, it wouldn’t happen again, he’d turn this around, he hears me loud and clear, they continue and almost at an alarming frequency. To top it off, I grew up with an alcoholic parent and shared all of the gritty, ugly horror stories with him as we were getting to know each other. So to make matters worse, he knows where a lot of my pain comes from in having grown up with everything my father dealt out to me. I can hear my brain telling me to leave – because as with my father, there is never any good that results from this type of situation. Only more misery, more stomach pains, more hurt. More, more, more. I face the challenge so many of you others do – when they are sober, it is an amazing relationship. The best I’ve ever had. Is it worth it to remain in something that is dysfunctional on an increasing level for a few good days a week?

  5. CJ July 2018 at 12:51 am

    This podcast was very powerful. I have to look at myself and make sure I take responsibility to set my own boundaries. In the past, I would complain or cry to others and hope they would fix things for me. That didn’t work well at all. As one of the speakers said, I have to have enough self respect to know what my own values are. I don’t think I knew my values or my boundaries before Al-Anon. Now, I know how to set clear boundaries. It’s not always easy, but I have enough self respect to take care of myself and set boundaries while still treating other people with respect.

    I’ve also learned to detach with love rather than by building walls. Even in abusive situations, I don’t have to be abusive in return. I learned that I can tell a loved one when they are sober that I will take their call but if they are drunk or verbally abuse me, I will immediately tell them I love them and end the call. That has saved me because I no longer feel bad after a drunken, abusive call. I can feel proud that I treated that person with respect by not abusing them back, but simply saying, “I love you. I have to go now. Goodbye.”

  6. Odette July 2018 at 5:07 pm

    Thank you for all of your stories – they are hard to read and hard to write as well I am sure. In my case, my wonderful awful ex was a functioning alcoholic. He was circling the drain for years and he kept assuring me he wasn’t. I was mad. I was the one in the wrong for not drinking with him anymore. I was no fun. I was wrong to ask him to change. I was wrong to ask him to slow down. I should have asked him to stop altogether. I was wrong to say you can’t drink and drive. He claimed he was a better driver after a few drinks.” Who says you shouldn’t drink and drive – show me the scientific papers – they are wrong”. Well, finally I left him, ran away literally with my daughter and our daughter (then aged 14 and 2) as he was also abusive.

    Mostly psychological and emotional but physical sometimes too. It got worse and worse and reached a head in the final 12 months even though I was so desperate for it to work, for him to get counselling, for us to stay together. But I could see what it was doing to the children and me – I was so skinny and so anxious and so exhausted. I still wasn’t sure what to do. I went to a doctor who told me he would never change and it would only get worse. I went to a counsellor who said the same thing and then she said – do you have somewhere to go? do you have money? yes and yes – and she said “what are you doing sitting here in my office – run for the hills and don’t look back”. I said well I will talk to him and explain and she said no – don’t you dare risk it – he may get more violent when you tell him you are leaving. Just go when he isn’t home. So we did. It was awful. But we had to – I had to, to protect the girls.
    Then 11 months later he died in a single vehicle accident – he was 14 times over the legal limit. Thank god we had swapped weekends so I had our little daughter with me.

    And now? Well, 18 months after the accident I have moved countries as his whole family drinks. His alcoholic mother is convinced I caused his death and she wants access to our daughter which I can not allow. Alcoholism is more than a disease, it ruins their brains, it ruins their lives and everyone in their orbit. Nothing is more important than a drink, every event is an excuse to toast, to celebrate – birthdays, weddings, funerals, births, weekends. Drinking is their life, their crutch, their reason to get out of bed in the morning. They surround themselves with friends who like to drink. It is so hard for them to stop. He started drinking when he was 10 years old. He used to offer our daughter alcohol which she still remembers – and that was when she was 3 years old.

    I hope there are success stories of recovery. But if you are currently with a man like this, if you are not sure what to do, from my experience, I suggest that you talk to your doctor, and make sure you record everything that happens. If you can summon the courage and support, please get out before it is too late. It is so hard, especially if you still love them, but you can’t help them, you can’t fix them, and you need to survive, your children, if there are kids involved, need to be in a safe environment with a healthy parent. Time passes and life is short and you are far far stronger than you can even begin to imagine.

  7. Shannon W. July 2018 at 11:53 pm

    How and when do you bring yourself to the point that you say enough? I still love her…I want her to get help which she is now doing/ so walking away seems obvious, but I can never say “you can do this” if I tell her at the same time, I give up on you, us, and the kids. Quite the conundrum…if that is the correct spelling. I would love some insight. She does not know that I am now aware that she was doing Cocaine, Ecstasy, etc. while wrecking a vehicle, jeopardizing our future, and albeit drunk, committing adultery and eliminating a trust that was there for 11 years. Input on this from those who have been here is appreciated…

  8. Shannon W. July 2018 at 11:43 pm

    My wife is in her third time with treatment…this time it is court ordered via Marchman Act which I signed. We have 2 kids, 5 and 9 and I am doing my best to hold this thing together. She has now branched out into drug addiction which she does not know or accept that I am aware of….thoughts???

  9. Abdul aziz July 2018 at 5:09 am

    depression is a mental illness I struggled lot with my depression. I drink hardly to overcome my depression, but later only I realized alcohol is not a solution for depression and came out from depression now. It’s really hard to explain how it feels, awareness is much needed for this generation.

  10. Steve July 2018 at 1:52 pm

    Alcohol is poison. Alcoholics are poison.
    Most of you are just enabling.
    Get a grip.
    Zero tolerance for alcoholics and their enablers.
    The excuses I hear from enablers for their partners shabby disgusting ways make me angrier than the alcoholics themselves.

  11. Anonymous July 2018 at 7:48 am

    Congratulations to everyone on here who have a “functioning alcoholic”, because there is something worse – a NON-FUNCTIONING one. One who cannot work, is so sick he passes out for hours and you can’t get him back to consciousness. One who will jump in your face and scream every little secret he knows about you for hours and hours until you give in and buy him a beer just to shut him up. One who doesn’t do anything but sit on the porch smoking cigarettes and drinking beer and waiting for you to come home from work so they can bully you into buying more beer and cigarettes. I can’t pay my bills, I can’t buy food, thank goodness I have a company car or I wouldn’t have a ride to work. Everywhere he goes he has to be driven because he is never NOT under the influence. Has squandered every dime of my savings and retirement. I hate him. I refuse to “detach with love” because that is BS to someone who is a WIFE. I detach with hate – because you CAN hate someone you have expectations of and I deserve the RIGHT to have expectations from my husband – the person who has such great influence over my quality of life. I hate the idea of him touching me, I hate his voice, I hate the smell of the beer seeping out of his pores, I hate all those blue cans sitting around everywhere. I refuse to give up the home I have been paying for (by myself) for 20 years just because I am told that is my only recourse. I want him to leave and give me my life back. His sons HATE him. He is such a loser and so is every single person who drinks like this.

  12. Dawn F June 2018 at 4:29 pm

    Yes, we are responsible for STAYING with the addict, not his addiction. It’s rare that when addicts get clean their relationships work out. It’s even less likely they’ll work when someone is a dry drunk. It’s not that they don’t love us, they just love their addiction more. To me, it was like there was me, the love of his life and there was his addiction, the love of his life. I was ok giving him a choice. He could work on his recovery with me or without me and that either way I’d be ok. I left him, moved back in with my parents at 42 for a month and the day after I moved into my parents house, my husband turned up on the doorstep with information about couples therapy and asked me if I would go. He chose to go to the meetings, therapy, men’s group etc, worked his program (once in a while he’d display the old dry drunk behavior and when I’d walk out immediately and take the kids with me, that would stop. If the men are not willing to be in active recovery in some way shape or form they are not going to change and you are still going to experience the abuse that was there before. We as women have to take care of ourselves. Why would we believe someone that has lied, shamed, blamed and judged us as the reason they are not sober?????

  13. Machel P. June 2018 at 9:32 am

    Hi, so I am married to an alcoholic for 11 years. I am a broken person. I do not understand Al-Anon, we don’t have any active groups in my town. I am part of the monthly loners news letter, all I can feel is blame though no support am I wrong?? I just don’t understand how my husband’s behavior is my fault or even partly my fault, I do not enable, I do not buy alcohol, I do not give him money? he is constantly turning my life upside down and all I get is alcoholism is a disease, I’m married in sickness and in health so this is a sickness. I have 2 relatively small children 11 and 8. Their school work is being affected, their lives are being affected, but I am the person who is blamed, why? I type this and for 12 years i have put up with it, forgiven him, believed him, time and time again. no one has any idea how hard it is, no one even holds him accountable. I feel so hurt. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t put my children thru this anymore, but I do not know a way out or a way forward. I used to have friends. I used to be close to my family. They all left and now I am alone. I need help!!

  14. MilWife May 2018 at 9:14 am

    My husband is a binge drinker and in the military. After over a year of begging for him to self identify to get help and watching him vomit and urinate on himself and worse, I finally went to his command out of fear for his life. He was sent to a mandated alcohol awareness course and then “cleared” as not having a problem with alcohol. I was hopeful that this course did truly help him, but a year later I know for sure what I felt I knew then, my husband is an alcoholic and there is nothing I can do. To complicate things, we are stationed overseas, I don’t have a support network here, and I feel like I have lost a whole section of my memory…..l have deja vu frequently…like several times a day frequently. I desperately want to separate from him since he refuses counseling of any type to include individual counseling and/or marriage counseling. My husband says he wants to separate too since my not going forward with him to his next assignment means no one will know what I reported here. Although he says he wants to separate, he has not yet taken the steps we discussed to set up a separation agreement. Also, when he gets angry with me for discussing his drinking or my asking him to use available resources to assist us in our separation, he threatens to leave me penniless and/or fight me every step of the way with a lawyer so I am left penniless. I don’t have a place to go to in the states and it has been overwhelming trying to stay up late to call apartments stateside and set up some type of plan. Additionally, I have fears I won’t be approved for an apartment because I do not have a job or car stateside and I have 3 cats. I sold my house to come overseas to be with him. I am heartbroken that the military so easily cleared him as “clean” especially considering the fact that he openly binge drinks around co-workers. We have been married for 4 years and although we dated over a year before getting married, it was long distance with an ocean separating us. We continued to have an ocean separating us our first 1 year and 2 months of marriage . I am trying to control my anger at the fact that the “military” didn’t intervene with his heavy drinking over the past 20 years until I came into the picture and forced the subject out of fear for his own safety. I am also angry at myself for listening to his initial excuses when I first addressed my concerns about his drinking – he said it was because he missed me….things would be different when we were living together. Long story short, has anyone else dealt with anything similar to this? If so, what did you do in order to find shelter and get your mental health back in check? #GoingInCircles

  15. Kellie May 2018 at 7:52 am

    Reading these comments is both heartbreaking and comforting at the same time. It’s so weird reading your story again, and again.

    My partner of 10 years, the father to my one year old son is an alcoholic. He’s been violent before, but not for a while. But he has been mean and borderline cruel plenty.

    He stopped drinking for about 2 or 3 months, but then found the excuse of his birthday then our sons birthday to start again and hasn’t stopped. He’s lied to me about it every day since mid April.

    Before his brief break from alcohol, he got really bad. He got violent once, but was an absolute a*** every day. He wasn’t working, so he’d leave in the morning, wouldn’t tell me where he was (I believe now that he was just driving around drinking scotch all day), he’d come home stay a fight with me, calling me names and blaming me for his problems before passing out and forgetting any of it happened. He doesn’t even renew we the night he spray on me and hit me so hard in the face that my nose bled for days. Granted I hit him back, which he remembered, but hey…

    When he started again, he started following the same pattern, I swore I want going to take it again. The last big fight, I took our son and I left for a few days, hoping I’d shock him into changing. I came back a day and a bit ago and he’s passed out drunk on the couch after disappearing while I was on a walk with our son. Great mothers day, huh?

    I can’t deal with this anymore and I have to leave. His behaviour is disgusting and no amount of love I have for him is enough to justify how hurt I am. I’ve spent so much time crying and he did nothing to help with anything to do with looking after our son for the first 9 months, despite all the promises. I’m sick of his lies about his drinking and all the broken promises. I have money, i just need to get out.

    Ain’t love a b****?

  16. FAY April 2018 at 4:25 am

    I am a 49 yr old woman married for the 3rd time. My husband is younger by 4 years. I have only been married for 4 years and feels like a lifetime. Should have left the first month of my marriage, but stuck around (the optimist in me). Verbal abuse and physical abuse was a monthly occurrence, in the privacy of my room but not out of earshot of his parents and kids. I consider myself a tough chick, that heals and forgives quickly, however I don’t forget every word you sent to me and every action etc.
    I have made plans to leave many times and then “things” become quiet and smooth, then boom another incident.
    I am now so tired and mentally drained and frustrated more because of my behaviour and my allowance, that I am angry all the time.
    The only place that I am my funny, cool, energetic, loving and caring self is at work and elsewhere. I don’t want that. I want to be with a man that does not make me an option but a priority. Is this not what its all about…..
    Call me Wishful even Silly, but I need that……….My husband has his good points, but the bad ones override, overshadow and block the good ones.
    “IS IT TIME TO HIT THE ROAD JACK” or is Jack just a beanstalk climber.

  17. Jaime B. April 2018 at 10:21 pm

    I can relate to Jackie from back in December 2017. I have been trying to find somewhere objective to share my thoughts, feelings, and struggles and get some guidance perhaps. My husband is not a bad person, and I love him very much. He has never physically hurt me, belittled me, or our children. He works hard and provides for us. I can’t say he is wonderful father though because he doesn’t make much time for them, and if he does it is doing something he enjoys, not them. He has drank since we met, and we have been married for almost 16 years now. He doesn’t get fall down drunk every night, but he does drink at least 3-4 beers a night average during the week, and up towards 8-12 on fri and Saturday nights until I have to get the kids to bed before they can see him at his worst. We have had multiple arguments about his drinking, and he knows how I feel. We have even been through a Christian marriage counseling program together. I can’t say that my husband is a horrible person and I can’t complain that I have had it so hard. Especially when I read the extreme struggles and horrible things other women go through. There are some very strong courageous women that have posted to this page. You inspire me to continue. I just know that I am not happily married, and I am not okay with the current situation continuing around my children. I find confronting my husband and demanding his respect towards this family extremely hard to do, and I don’t know how to help anymore, because he doesn’t try at all.

  18. Alexandria April 2018 at 2:00 pm

    i am 26 years old, i have 2 beautiful children, and i am married to an alcoholic. i have been with my husband for 5 years now and i have been on a roller coaster from hell ( literally ) for all of those years. i have had a gun shoved down my throat, i have had him belittle me and tell me how horrible i am, he tells me he hates me and he wants a divorce, i am nothing, ….. and the list can go on and on and on. I hear all this when he is drunk and its been more then i should have tolerated but i did and i stuck around and i am still here, but i don’t know what to do or how to do it. i feel so lost and hurt and betrayed. he is a loving father and husband when he is not drunk but i cant take it anymore, i cant take the drinking. he seems to not be able to stop!!! he tries to hide it from me which only makes me mad cause i am not stupid nor was i born yesterday i know when he has been drinking and when he is drunk. He lies to me every time he goes on a rampage and tells me he wont ever drink again and he will get into church and so this and that, but it only lasts for maybe a month. I do love him but i don’t love that he chooses to drink over his family. The worst part is we live with his mom, step dad, and his sister and they do not help at all. if anything they enable him cause they drink and im pretty sure they hide his alcohol for him so that i dont see it. im so tired of the lies and back stabbing i just want him to get help and be the man i know he really is but i cant help him if he isnt willing to help himself and thats hurtful even more. i dont want to sit by and watch him drink himself to death and i definitly dont want my kids to grow up around it neither. right now i am staying at my moms house as of last night, i havent talked to my husband all day today but i really want to call him and figure what is going on and if he really wants a divorce and if he meant all the things he said to me last night (which was very hurtful and i am broken into many pieces from the things he said to me). I am not a perfect person but i really am striving to do my best that i can. He is mad that i didnt come home last night cause he was drunk and so now he is done and wants nothing to do with me. Idk what to do other then pray but even still idk what to do.

  19. Jae March 2018 at 9:14 pm

    Well I broke up with him. He crashed his car again, third time in 6 months, this time with a girl in it. All very platonic, I am sure. Head on he says. I don’t know and I don’t care anymore. They are both fine but spooked. I say good. This is his young italian room mate that he expressed a need to take care of and has been severly neglecting me. I have been warning him and expressing my grief at his new life of working full time with her, living with her and then spending his day off driving her around.
    When he is not working, he is drinking or drinking on the job or so hung over he is grouchy or grouchy from not drinking, or unable to get hard because he has been drinking and dear God, where is there any time for me. We have been together 5 years and there has been constant talk of buying a home. All talk. But now that I look closer, why would I want to live with him in this “home”? It has never been great. He has been very mean. I have never felt totally secure. Seems like I have held on with the hope he will change, listen to me, write me one love letter, or take me anywhere because it is where I want to go without throwing a temper tantrum.
    I have made it very clear he needs help and I will help. He is a Vet with PTSD and he can be very charming, generous and always is where he says he is going to be, when he says he is going to be there. I also know he adores me. So this is tough, but I cannot take it snymore. His inability to listen to what is hurting me and respond appropriately is a deal breaker. I have to protect my sanity.

  20. Noreen February 2018 at 9:40 pm

    I am amazed at how much we women tolerate from abusive men. I never thought I would put up with a millionth of the abuse and lack of respect (and filth as he rarely washes himself or clothes unless I remind him to and even then…). But I have done for 14 months – he has a charming side and I was lonely so it began and I do care very much about his nicer side. However, real love has died off due to his horrific behaviour when drunk e.g. walking around having urinated in his trousers, urinating in neighbours gardens, spending every penny on alcohol and a lot worse. I do have a lot of sympathy because he suffers from anxiety which (he says) is why he drinks but men use this weakness that many women have for a ‘helpless’ man and it can wreck the lives of those who are kindhearted enough to help. I am very very tired due to living on edge not knowing if he will get drunk or even be sober and nasty (I feel alcohol might change the drinker’s personality for the worse, permanently perhaps….some sort of brain damage almost from soaking that organ in alcohol for so many years…) Anyway, I meant to get rid of him so many times but did not and realise that I have to look after myself because he cannot help what he does it seems – i wish he could.

  21. Lina January 2018 at 3:44 pm

    Thank you all for sharing your stories and your pain. I have been with my alcoholic husband for 15 yrs with 2 young daughters. I feel I have reached my rock bottom. I am so alone and so tired. The lies, the blame, the denial, the excuses. He refuses to get a job because I have a college degree and he doesn’t. He tells me he’s going for groceries and comes home drunk every time. His mother is an alcoholic and nothing would make her happier than for him to spend the day drinking with her, going on and on with their conspiracy theories and why everyone else is to blame for their problems. Her father was an alcoholic who committed suicide. What kind of person knows the dangers of this disease yet encourages their own child to not only enable them, but join them down this road? It makes me physically ill. I know he will never change and it breaks my heart for my children. They love him so much and it breaks my heart. I honestly do not have any love left for him. My heart is broken. The DUIs, the name-calling, putting all the blame on me. I no longer trust him with my children, as he now takes them to the bar with him. I lost my job a few months ago and he still refuses to work. What kind of “man” puts the all the responsibility of supporting their family on their wife? It’s so disgusting and so heartbreaking, I’ve now stopped speaking to him after an epic fight in front of our girls when he again came home drunk. I tried to explain to them that their father is an alcoholic and they just need to stay away when he’s like this. He instigates them and makes them cry every time he’s drunk. One asked me after the fight, ‘Why did you marry Daddy?’ Sadly, I didn’t have an answer. They love him so much and I don’t want to take that bond from them, but I will not let this alcoholic BS destroy their lives like it has destroyed mine. He hasn’t slept in a bed with me for years and has the balls to complain to his drinking buddies that I don’t have sex with him. Years of emotional abuse have eroded any feelings I once had for him. I want to leave, but don’t have the money or a job right now. Thank you for helping me not feel alone in this anguish. I know that he will never change and I know I must leave him. I just need to put myself in a place where I can make that happen – for me and for my girls. Be strong and know that you are not alone.

  22. Jackie December 2017 at 2:32 am

    I have been married for 33 years. 4 wonderful beautiful children. My husband has a drinking problem. I saw it before we got married but chose to go ahead with the wedding anyway. His drinking has consisted of just one too many sometimes…but always I was able to shield the kids from any real knowledge of it when they were little…he was a functioning alcoholic…few beers every night…on occasion he would bring home harder alcohol…we both drank wine….but he never was able to push the “stop” button…never had a wine bottle that wasn’t finished…by him…had a few drunk episodes over the years that I confronted him about…always denied…called me a “prude” or “teetotaler”…sigh. He has been a great dad. We have attended church and Bible studies all of our lives…home schooled the kids…he has provided well and his kids love him. But the not being able to press the “stop” button has always been a problem…if there’s alcohol around, I find myself walking on eggshells…trying to make sure there are no scenes…no stumbling or slurry words…I guess I have been an enabler trying to hide it from friends and family…although some have seen and know including our kids who are in their 20s now…last 5 years have been hard…he has been through several layoffs….and so his “go to” to salve the stress is the alcohol…trouble is at 57 he cannot seem to handle even a few beers without slurring or acting stupid or repeating himself…I am so tired of walking on eggshells…it is not everyday and he has admitted to having a problem and says he’ll stop or to trust him…yes, sound familiar? I have even threatened to leave before when I could not take it…now he is unemployed having recently resigned an exec job (instead of getting fired) and I believe it may have had something to do with drinking at a social work gathering…too long to get into why I suspect that…he is smart…involved in IT Management…loves the Lord, but just not willing I think to really break free from the alcohol “go to” that has been his life since college (we’ve known each other since college). It is hard. And he likes it…he also is a closet smoker which has never gone over well…definitely has struggled with an addictive personality… But I think I need to branch out and include some more family members with our issue…his mother knows and has confronted him…his response? “I can stop anytime I want to.” I feel for all the women here…I understand. I don’t have any answers…just sharing.

  23. AAR December 2017 at 3:05 pm

    Thanks to all of you who have shared. As others have mentioned, I feel less alone and I also feel validated that I’m not imagining my feelings. I came here to begin a journey of learning how to take care of myself. I haven’t learned how to deal with unacceptable behavior with regard to my spouse yet. Odd because I am a mom, and I have no issue dealing with unacceptable behavior from my children. And I suppose that’s sad for me since we’ve been married almost 31 years. I have gotten brave enough to acknowledge that I live with a functional alcoholic. I understand the toll it has taken on our marriage, our children, and our lives as a family. His biological father was an alcoholic and his older brother is a recovering alcoholic, neither without serious consequences. His mother was a great enabler. While she got out of the first marriage due to abuse, she never chose another man to be in her life that wasn’t alcohol dependent. My husband has never been physically abusive. He has however cheated on me more than once, lied, disrespected me, been highly inconsiderate of me, embarrassed me, stolen precious time and memories from me and made a mockery out of something I value more than anything, my family – and I have let him all these years. I am angry, resentful, and I feel betrayed, insulted, undervalued, and very alone. I have attempted to be a “social” buffer for him towards my children (who are now grown and have families of their own) and towards friends. I know this has done no one any service. He is a good man with strong values and character – willing to help anyone anyway he can – when he’s not drinking. I love him more than I can express – but I feel his actions reflect the opposite feelings toward me. He can say he loves me and I believe he means it, he just loves booze more. I feel his actions are selfish and a cop out to dealing with whatever life may bring. The excuses, apologies, the “I don’t know’s” are all getting old. I am 50 years old – I’m tired – and I want to look forward to a happy future without so much baggage. There’s so much I want to share with HIM ……

  24. Pug B. December 2017 at 1:07 am

    I am a first generation child (age 49) of alcoholics and at age 12 my alcoholic stepfather assaulted me, in addition.I am no ingenue to abuse survival and I’m someone who has also, overcome great opposition, abuse and turmoil. My so-called significant other is, unfortunately, a progressive alcoholic and passive-aggressive abuser. I do plan on getting out, and reclaiming my own life early this forthcoming year. I’m surprised I’ve hung in this long. And although I’m no angel, I’ve told myself so many rueful, sickening times he is going to come home one day to an empty house. He has not only sabotaged himself but almost sabotaged mine- he is not who I ever want to be. I have never been so shut out, ignored, shifted blame to or objectified. There were times he used my weaknesses to get me back. He is an alcoholic but I wonder where he learned his blame and shame, sticking me in a corner and never apologizing. We’ve been living together since 2014 and no, he has not wanted to get married, also having a bleak and negative view of such idea. My mom says he has some problems and is an abuser. We have almost zero real, human communication and he is emotionally disconnected. I would think at age 64 he would be a bit more self loving and aware, but I think that’s who I hold my own self up to be. I have been really affected by many alcoholics, many who got help and changed. I can’t logically nor intuitively define he is the right partner for me (or I for him) and this is not a relationship…sorry, but I know it’s true. I’m still staying on due to emotional attachment, guilt, lack of faith in myself and fear of more retaliation; post fact guilt, and his “It’s not not the same without you; come back; I miss you” or attacks on my character/other emotional blackmail. Like I said, I’m not blameless but he’s really hurt me and I deserve a healthy, free, satisfied future…

  25. C L November 2017 at 12:17 am

    After countless DUI’s and the alcoholic rages I was forced to leave my home and seek safety in another state. Yes it is hard to start over but all worth it. I have filed for divorce, there were no children and we had no real property. I successfully was able to move with belongings but at the same time leave him with half so there will be no conflict about assets on divorce proceedings. He is no longer able to control me or subject me to his alcoholic ways. It is such a good feeling to go to bed at night not having to be frightened when he comes home and what condition he is in. No more having to carry my cellphone in my pocket just so that is readily available to call the police when he becomes physical with me.

  26. TCS October 2017 at 1:47 pm

    I am leaving a comment only to say thank you for sharing your stories. I thought I was going crazy. My husband and I have been married seven years. He is a completely different person, and learning from what I am reading here, a functioning alcoholic. He drinks every day, gets drunk and becomes extremely mean. Every other day, I am getting told to “get the *&^ out” or being called inappropriate and horrible names. He too always wants sex and can’t even remember the next day the horrible things that he says. I left and he promised that he would change, he has not, in fact it has gotten worse. I feel like some of the others, I just turned 50 and don’t want to leave with nothing, but it looks like….I will have to in order to save myself.

  27. Ellie September 2017 at 9:04 pm

    I was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused from ages 11-14. Since then, it seems most of the men I’ve dated have been alcoholics, including my current fiance. He promised he wouldn’t propose while drunk, and he broke that promise. He said he would probably drink less when we moved in together because he wouldn’t be living above/working at a bar anymore. Now he drinks about the same but it’s just more expensive. He has promised that he won’t be drunk at the wedding and that he’ll cut back significantly when we have kids. With his lies in the past, it’s hard to believe that. The former abuse is relevant because I felt like it was my burden to bear because my abuser was my mom’s husband and he earned two incomes, and I didn’t want my mom to suffer raising 2 kids on her own. So I dealt with unacceptable behavior then by rationalizing and letting it happen, hoping it would be over as soon as possible. And that’s what I feel like I’m doing now.

    My fiance is a high-functioning alcoholic. He’s not physically abusive, but he only ever wants to talk about our relationship problems when he’s drunk and it’s 2am and I’m trying to sleep. He also tries to engage in sex, and when I decline, he gets upset and complains that we never have sex anymore. He says I used to be more fun when I was drinking. I have mentioned in the past that I wish he’d cut back, but I had my first long serious “conversation” with him this morning. I got what I needed to say out but all he said is that it was too early to talk about it (like waking me up at 2am to talk about why we don’t have sex is convenient timing…). It’s been 10 hours since then and he still hasn’t talked to me more about it. And in that time, he’s had 6 or 7 beers. I feel so lonely and ashamed of myself that I let myself get this far into a relationship without seeing how bad this was. I don’t deal with unacceptable behavior. But I’m trying to.

  28. AnonPlease September 2017 at 4:29 pm

    My late father was a functioning alcoholic and chainsmoker since he was fourteen years old; he died at 72 from a very painful death, lung cancer. (My brother is a nondrinking, narcissistic rageaholic who hates me, but that’s for another blog).

    Dad was an executive for a major automotive corporation, and a good provider in that we were never homeless or hungry. But he was a beer alcoholic, drank at least a six pack every night until bedtime, drank all day on the weekends and when the beer was gone would drink any alcohol he could get his hands on. He never gave up drinking until he became too sick to drive himself to the store, and afterwards nobody would buy him any more booze. But he and my brother still smoked cigarettes (Dad smoked while on oxygen, no matter that this could’ve caused a major explosion which could’ve killed everyone in the house).

    Dad would get drunk, and basically need a watcher or ‘babysitter’ to keep an eye on things when he was too loaded to do so; since Mom worked, too, these duties would fall on my shoulders. I was just a young teenager, I barely knew how to take care of myself, much less an alcoholic parent with issues.

    I also remember many family outings where Dad would end up falling down drunk, he just wouldn’t, or couldn’t, and didn’t, stop drinking. It’s embarrassing when your parent is so drunk that the security guards have to pick him or her off the casino floor and escort them to the exit because they can’t stand up and walk by themselves.

    Yes, Dad and Mom took us on nice vacations twice a year, and tried to do the best they could in what they knew how to raise us kids, they attended our school functions and ballgames and all that, thankfully, but, until he was dying and no longer able to procure alcohol for himself, Dad never gave up the bottle. He was a lifelong alcoholic.

    Glad that I’ve never liked the taste and effects of alcohol (makes me puke, I think I’m allergic, probably a good thing) and after college and working as a cocktail waitress(! it was familiar) for a few years, and one failed marriage to an alcoholic who died of cancer when he was only 51 years old, I now understand the living hell of alcohol but at the time I thought it was normal.

    From my experience, the two alcoholics in my life never stopped drinking. Your experience may differ, I really hope so! But if not, please understand that sometimes the only thing you can do to save your own life, is to escape and leave them to their own devices, or their own undoing. All the love in the world, sometimes just isn’t enough. Sometimes you have to love enough to let go.

  29. Susie August 2017 at 1:28 am

    Someone told me – if you put a frog in boiling water he would jump out but if you put him in cold water and heat it up slowly he will boil to death = that’s like our life with an alcoholic…the abuse gets worse and worse and we still stay. I have only been married 11 years, together 13 – met as older people, I am 61 now. I have no husband when he drinks (every night and hugely every weekend) – he falls asleep on sofa, talks utter nonsense, gets nasty, bullies me, tells me to leave, locks me out, wants me to have sex constantly but why would I when he is so drunk and mean – this weekend I just cried into the pillow – I can’t really believe I am living this life! But I am leaving, just have to save the dosh so I can – because he is not going to change, nearly lost his job twice and is supposed to be alcohol free – yeah right – so yes, I do have to leave, but I do want to have money when I go, I am too old to have nothing when I leave. AND I am a gambleholic so we enable each other, this is partly why this horrid behaviour/life has gone on for so long – and why I have no money – but I have tried to stop gambling and have lost a lot of money (won a lot lost a lot), and find it so difficult to stop when it is so unpleasant at home….but reading these stories – we do stay too long, we do believe it will change (it doesn’t) and we do have financial difficulties when we try to leave- but once we leave I think we will be okay! I hope so – I trust so!

  30. NellyJ July 2017 at 7:47 pm

    We’ve been married 3 years, but together for 10 years. My husband always had a bit of a problem with alcohol, but we were in our twenties, he was always happy, and I hoped that the partying would subside as we got older. It has not. He lies constantly about his drinking and how he gets money to drink. He drinks as soon as he gets out of bed in the mornings and refuses to eat for most of the day because he doesn’t want to diminish his drunkenness. He pawns things for money for alcohol and lies to me about it. He drives while drinking. He can’t hold down a job. He refuses to admit that anything is wrong with being drunk all the time. He now says its just ‘who he is’ and that I need to accept it. He is an emotional roller coaster. He can never remember a conversation the next day. I can’t have meaningful conversation with him. I am so lonely. We have a 6 month old daughter now and I have to do everything myself but pretend to others that we are some happy family. I can’t depend on him to ever watch our daughter since he can’t be sober. I am so lonely. I miss who he use to be, but that person is gone now. I am using all of my energy to take care of him and our house and our daughter and the bills… I’m just so exhausted. I want to get back a piece of myself. I want to be happy. I want to have a conversation with my partner. I can’t do this anymore but I don’t know how to leave him.

  31. AA July 2017 at 8:03 pm

    Interesting and sad that my situation is a little bit of everyone else’s. I have been married 24 yrs. and my husband is a functioning alcoholic. He uses every excuse as to why he needs to stay home every weekend. He likes to be home so he can drink and pass out. He uses every excuse from, “He has worked hard all week, He is so tired, I just think I’m perfect, He deserves to relax.” He makes his family uncomfortable and they don’t want to have any friends over. The sober him is a great guy but his demons keep him from seeing this. We were separated 7 months because he was drunk and arguing with his children. I had filed for divorce. I told him he could not come back in the house until it stopped. I let him back and of course, it is s repeat of us watching him drink beer the entire weekend. He counts the days he hasn’t drank in order to justify why he should be able to have a few. His reactions are slow, he slurs, smells like beer, talks in circles and thinks no one notices. Obviously he hates his life so much he needs to escape. We all are suffering for him. I’m tired of it yet would really love for him to get help. I can’t help someone who won’t acknowledge it or help themselves. I guess it’s true when you hear people say they have lost their families because of drinking.

  32. Nani July 2017 at 5:55 pm

    I am married for two years and got a beautiful son, 21 months running, without knowing him completely, fell in love with this gentle behavior, kind, loving person. I got pregnant soon as I met him so being an Indian, society discriminatori, creed soon tied a knot with the man I loved so much thinking I had finally my charming Prince but when I reached his home with pregnancy, in the hospital, he started his true colour. He hit me with his cellphone soon after delivery, he couldn’t control his anger. Not only so aggressive in nature but he during weekend drank heavily so if I asked him, ” why so much drunk?” He used to break everything that he bought whether cheaper or costly phones, break lampshade, doors, hit himself hard against the wall and get bruised..sometimes take a knife and put himself on his throat..I was scared and nervous..didn’t feel shy to go out nude and show his private parts, extremely vulgarity exposed. He used to throw whatever I cook lovingly, if I only ask him to switch off the light in the room. He will start removing my family members names and literally shout on me. I have got baby boy, I don’t want to get separated or divorced because I see the consequences of broken family. I don’t like to sleep with him now in the same bed. He shouts outside in public but during the week, he acts everything was okand shows me nothing was wrong, just he shows me that he drank only one or two glasses..I am tired, he doesn’t listen to me. He’s got few friends. I talked to him about counseling but he doesn’t agree, he has huge debt to pay. I am worried about the future of my son. Please help me!

  33. Wife July 2017 at 9:25 pm

    My prayers go out to each of you and your families. My husband is a ” functioning alcoholic ” and my life is a mile long train wreck ?. My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He is loving and hardworking until he drinks. I just found out that he has been drinking excessively since he was 16 years old. He is 45 now. I’m so unhappy. 1 beer then the lies start. I start questioning and this leads to other women. The drinking escalates to 26 a day. He starts to miss work for casual sex outside of our home, beer binges and hangovers. Finally, we separate. This is our life cycle. He provides the best of everything but I have been emotionally neglected the entire time. He blames me for his drinking and his infidelity. I do get angry and I express my disappointment because it is all I can do. In 6 years there have been 5 different women one of which he lived with for 9 months. He has been to rehab 4 times! He manipulates the process each time so that is apart the cycle as well. I don’t want to divorce him. I love him. I’m barely functioning at this point. I take medication for depression and anxiety and it is not working. I pray for God to bless him with sobriety because he deserves to experience a life of true happiness. I’m finding it hard to stand by him. Please pray for my family. Thanks for listening.

  34. l July 2017 at 10:53 am

    I am married to my husband and we have a 5 year old boy. We went to high school together but only met again about 7 years ago. When we met he was ‘in between’ jobs and his truck was broken. Come to find out he had a DUI and was couldn’t drive. I forgave that lie and thought he lied because the truth was probably embarrassing. However 7 years, a marriage and 1 child later I catch him doing things like drinking and hiding the beer cans around the house so I don’t find it. I now have money ‘birthday present from my parents’ missing from my wallet. He goes through hundreds of dollars a month. He tells me I am making things up until I finally catch him. It makes me so mad that he thinks I am that stupid. Until this year I was the only one who worked in the family and my husband watched our child. Now that our son is older he has gone back to work. The idea of leaving him and breaking my sons heart is killing me but I am just at my whit’s end. My son right now is going through an aggressive stage at school. I don’t know if he feels my pain or if he is feeling stress of changing schools. I don’t want to upset my son but I really do not want my son to grow up seeing my husbands behavior. I try to keep it together. some of the people on here are a lot stronger than I am spending this many years with a person with issues.

  35. Distraught July 2017 at 8:28 pm

    I prayed for the love if my life and he arrived yet I recently and sadly discovered that he is a functional alcoholic and abuses pain medication. He has lied over and over and recently put my life in danger by driving on the opposite side of the road angot so angry. I questioned him and he admitted taking pain pills with alcohol and I researched and that is dangerous and deadly. I’m angry, hurt, sad and disappointed. I thought it was just alcohol but it’s worse. He has been doing this for 28 years and went to rehab 10 years ago for a year and lied and said he was sober for almost 10 years but he’s not, he replaced drug addiction with alcoholism. I’ve never experienced anything like this. We are compatible in every way but I cannot and will not stay with an alcoholic. I’m upset and hurt that I have to end our relationship because when he isn’t drinking; he makes me the happiest woman. He is non violent and is actually nicer and quieter when he drinks and that also makes my decision difficult but I know it’s absolutely necessary to end it. I must end this vicious cycle– I hope and pray that one day he seeks help from God and others who have been in his shoes. I will always miss and love the love of my life– the alcoholic?

  36. Confused July 2017 at 5:08 pm

    Me and my partner have been together two years and we have a 10 month old boy. My partner doesn’t drink every day but when he does drink he will binge and come home in a state where he can’t even speak or know what he is doing. A lot of the times he will not come home at all. I feel like I don’t know what to do because it happens A lot but not all the time if that makes sense- once every couple of weeks. I just don’t want my child to grow up and see any of this and understand what is happening.

  37. Sandy July 2017 at 4:45 pm

    My husband slipped again last night. He seems to live in the state of relapse and slipping. He goes for weeks and months without drinking. I am spent but not sure what to do. He is a functioning alcoholic but his behavior is very out of control. He has been to treatment twice and goes to AA. He is on meds for anxiety and depression and has been seeing a counselor.
    We have been married for fifty years but I am considering divorce. Because he does not drink outwardly should I stay or leave?

  38. RD July 2017 at 2:29 am

    My husband and I have. Even together 8 years, got married last year. He has always been a social drinker- once he gets going he cannot stop. He is 41 now, I thought as he got older it would stop somewhat, but he has come home at 2am once again tonight. He goes out drinking and doesn’t answer his phone or texts. He drives drunk tonhet home and I end up so mad I tell him to leave. He will sleep in his truck unless I make him come home because I feel guilty and I don’t want him to get in trouble with the law. He is my best friend and I love him so much. He is a great husband and we run a successful business together. He is faithful and caring, but he just HAS to go out drinking so often, and he will drink from 6pm to 2 am. He comes home at 3am and later sometimes. We fight- he tries to turn it around on me, and then passes out drunk while I am left to cry and feel sorry for myself. I feel so alone, his family is watching his father slowly kill himself with alcoholism. He doesn’t believe he has a problem. He can’t see that the only time we fight is when he is drunk. He used to call me names but I have learned how to walk away before things escalate to that. He is ruining us and I am so heartbroken. To read all these stories makes my heart ache for everyone. I often ask myself what I have done to deserve this. It’s making me hate MYSELF. The stress of wondering where he is at night, if he’s safe, when will he come home, has he been in a car accident, etc eats away at me. I am a good wife. I am a good person. Why this man continues to do this to me is tearing at my soul.

  39. Lizz S. July 2017 at 6:48 pm

    Unacceptable behavior is an interesting topic. I haven’t listened to the podcast yet and I am struck by the comments here. Few of us are talking about OUR unacceptable behavior. This makes me chuckle because I am a work in progress and even after 18 years in Al-Anon, I can still slip into that old sick habit/defect of blaming others for my discomfort. I also allow myself to listen to that old negative self-talk at times, too. Thank you God I have a program. Just for Today, I may not work it perfectly but I have a program! There are 10 readings in Courage To Change on “unacceptable behavior” and I think I’ll busy myself with reading them right now- and enhancing my own recovery! Thanks for listening!

  40. Linda July 2017 at 8:07 am

    I am recently divorced. I left my husband because he is an alcoholic who was ruining me and my daughters lives. I know he has driven drunk with our daughter before. He recently started trying to make arrangements for someone to watch our daughter during his time so he could pursue other activities. I found out about this and called him out on his unacceptable behavior and how it violated our parenting agreement. I think this is the lowest thing a person can do- dump your own child to pursue your own selfish agenda. He’s angry that his drinking is coming to light. He’s angry that his family and friends know about his drinking. He has lashed out at friends and it makes me feel horrible that he has put them in the middle. He has showed this rage to me multiple times. I have tried reasoning with him telling him I love him and he needs to get help for our daughter. This only makes him angrier and he accuses me of harrassment. I don’t know how to deal with an alcoholic because I have no experience with it. I am very concerned for the safety of my daughter and cannot trust him. I feel that this co parenting relationship is going to be an uphill battle for many years to come.

  41. a drunk's wife July 2017 at 7:10 pm

    I thougt i was the only one.
    I dont personally know any other person going through this.
    It saddens me that I am not the only one, because I know exactly what you’re all going through. And its HELL.

    I dont want to be an 80yr old woman with the same life.
    I want PEACE & HAPPINESS in my home.

    Is my only option to leave???

  42. HoPe July 2017 at 3:30 pm

    It breaks my heart to hear these stories and I know that I am not alone. I married last year and recently realized that I married a functional alcoholic. I love my husband very much however I am gradually losing myself trying to stay in this marriage. He is a daily drinker (4 to 6 beers) and most weekends ( Saturday & Sunday) he drinks 18-25 beers. He drinks an average of 36 to 48 beers a week. He works every day and I don’t know of it effecting his job. I have done everything I know to do from threatening to leave to exposing him to others. Nothing works. He is almost 60 years old and wants to be intimate like a 25 year old. He works and stays busy around the house in which he uses projects, football, cookouts, etc to support his reason for drinking. He is loving and attentive when he has not been drinking or has had under 3 beers or when others are present but he turns sarcastic and hateful the more he drinks and when we are alone. I have always been an outgoing bubbly kind of person however I have become so depressed and now somewhat of an introvert. I don’t feel or look happy and people are starting to notice. I feel so ashamed that I am living like this and I pray daily that God changes him. I recently lost my job and have filed for disability due to a medical condition he now tells me that if I don’t give him the intimacy he requires there will be a price a to be paid, meaning he will no longer financially support me. He hurts me so much with his words and makes me feel so little. Losing ones self should not be an option to stay with an alcoholic however I have no choice at the moment. God bless you all and you are in my prayers.

  43. avril July 2017 at 4:05 pm

    The previous stories have helped me, as my husband is an abusive alcoholic. He works hard, but comes home from the oil rigs, and hits the bottle. He usually gets into a binge, and when it starts he blames me for everything. His words are cruel and still hurt, even though I”ve put up with this for years. I usually leave him when the binge gets out of hand, but I always return when he’s sick and sobering up. He’s usually so nice then, but the depression sets in after being sober for a few days. I then get more abuse.
    I wish I could break the cycle, but it is hard when you love a person.
    I try to go out and about with friends and family, as its good to have a network of sincere folk to turn to. My husband would prefer me to ony bother with him, and I did that for a while, but its not a good way to live. He gets angry that he can’t control me.
    I pray for all people coping with alcoholics. Its a hard life!

  44. Heartbroken July 2017 at 10:58 am

    My heart hurts. I have a wonderful husband who works very hard for his family. He is attentive, thoughtful, loving, helpful, kind….etc. He doesn’t normally drink during the week but once Friday comes the drinking starts. I used to look forward to the weekends because he got to be home with his family. Now, I dread them because although the day starts off good he ends up drunk and passed out by the evening. I tend to sleep on the couch because I hate the smell of beer and being in the same bed with him just makes me angry. We have 3 beautiful children together that absolutely adore their Dad. They don’t always see the worst part of him. He is horrible at night once they have gone to bed. But, if we go camping, out to the river for the day…etc he always gets drunk. I hate it because he acts like a jerk and it is unsafe for all of us. He stumbles all around and if there was a serious situation he wouldn’t be able to help. That puts us in danger. He feels because he works hard all week that he deserves to be this way on the weekend. But I work too! I may be a stay at home Mom but I take care of our kids, cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shopping, make sure bills are paid, all of that…everyday. My job doesn’t end at a certain time. I am on duty 24/7 and I deserve to have a sober husband on the weekend when our time is the most precious. I had always used the excuse ” well at least he only drinks on the weekends ” but those weekends are all we have to spend quality time together. I’m tired, worn down, hurt. I even told him to just drink less, not quit altogether but as an alcoholic he can’t do that. I feel lost. I don’t want to give up on him but no amount of tears, threatening to leave, trying to get him and us to get help has worked so far ( 12 years ) I just can’t do it anymore.

  45. sp July 2017 at 3:58 pm

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years this October. He was always jealous and short-tempered, but this past year has been extreme. First of all, my boyfriend is an alcoholic… But back in January 2016, he became addicted to pain killers as well… and his anger got so bad that he kicked me out of our own home one night (WELL 3AM), randomly, because I had headphones in, listening to music, and didn’t hear him ask me a question. That escalated into him punching holes in the wall, smashing his phone into pieces with his bare hands, breaking his laptop with his own hands, and throwing everything I own into a pile on the floor. That is not the worst of it… The next day, HE DIDN’T REMEMBER! How frustrating when you’re trying to prove your point to someone, when they cant even remember what they had for dinner the night before. That wasn’t the only incident. Similar incidents have happened since then. Mostly the same story line though… Gets belligerently drunk. screams in my face, calls me any and every name in the book… Kicks me out, tells me he can get any woman he wants, slams doors purposely, punches the wall, grabs his gun and waves it around, because he knows that gives me a panic attack… It’t like he gets JOY from seeing me in pain and tears. I have begged him to stop… Told him I will pay for the rehab! (He doesn’t have a job) But he continues to deny any issue I bring up… He thinks myself, his family, and his friends are out to get him… He currently doesn’t talk to his friends anymore, his family doesn’t respect his choices, and he’s fine with that…. As long as he has his pills and alcohol…

  46. Frustrated July 2017 at 4:41 am

    I’m 30 and me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 years. After yet another attempt to stop drinking I came home last night to bottles and cans all over the floor and a drunk passed out slug at 7pm in the evening. I’ve been down this road before, it’s lonely and exhausting. I’ve made the decision to leave, thank you for sharing your stories, it has helped me see the life path I would go down if I decided to stay in this and get married and have kids with this man. I just can’t do that….no woman, man or child should have to go through this. God Bless to you all you struggling and living with this.

  47. Sasha July 2017 at 1:50 am

    I am 26, we have a 1 year old daughter together. We have been together for 7 years married for 4. We have been through a lot he has been involved in an accident which left him with a traumatic brain injury. He started drinking whilst in hospital. His friends encouraged him. He has physically abused me before and he constantly emotionally abuses me. I feel so low I wish he would just leave. Then he tells me I’m the one that should leave, he’s on a spouse visa so if he leaves it will be to another country and he will never see his child. I feel without me he will be worse and I feel guilt when I imagine him without me. His daughter and him have a bond and I don’t want to break that. At the same time I feel like I’m going crazy trying to keep us together. I don’t argue with him when he drinks. I stay in my room and lock the door. Or if he catches me out and starts to argue I leave with my daughter. He gets up to follow me sometimes. It scares the hell out of me.

  48. Confused July 2017 at 1:15 am

    Hi all

    It’s so sad but also comforting to see my life reflected in so many others. I have been living with an alcoholic my whole life, parents, now my spouse. What I find interesting about this topic is that the unacceptable slowly becomes acceptable as the alcoholism progresses. It is hard to define what is normal , because alcoholism attributes are normalized. I am no longer able to even cope with all the unacceptable behavior because as far as alcoholism is concerned, none of it is acceptable. I feel like I have wasted so much precious time. I am worried about my kids, stay or go, complicated either way. I however even though I have my tool box full of tools am getting tired of dealing with the unacceptable because even when I set boundaries, they aren’t respected. I have come to believe that alcoholism is an assault , on the sober members of the family, on our boundaries, emotionally, verbally, physically, financially, and mentally. Therefore the ultimate boundary is to stay no more. Through this trial my saving grace has been 2 strategies in dealing with the unacceptable, practice gratitude and focus on my own behaviour. Love to you all.

  49. willow July 2017 at 9:26 pm

    I am trying to build a wall between my husband and my feelings. I am isolating myself so I cant be hurt by his neglect. Its so painful to be rejected. He picks drinking every night over me. My kids think he’s just the greatest thing-so much fun-Mom is the one who is always in a bad mood. I admit its true. I can’t tolerate the drinking anymore, so I am the problem. Everyone else is laughing away. He says I am always so negative, and a pessimist, which I admit I now am. I am lonely and see a very bleak future once my four kids move on. I am surrounded by people, but totally alone. Everyone loves my husband-he is the life of the party and I am the anchor who is weighing everyone down. He thinks I should just be grateful for how hard he works and appreciate all the good-he has me convinced I am impossible to please. Maybe I am. He drinks and passes out every night sitting up on the couch, in front of my daughter. She resents me because she sees I am angry at him and she loves him so much. I am not OK with this. I am always on duty-have to be ready for anything-can never relax, because I can’t depend on him after 7pm any night, but then he call me a control freak. He hasn’t come to bed in years. I am so lonely-my family may be better off without me.

  50. Hopeless June 2017 at 4:15 am

    I have been with my fiance on and off for 19 years . He is a functioning alcoholic. He can keep a job down while he drinks but can’t keep his actions down while drinking . We have 4 kids together ages 17,13, and 6 year old twins. He started out only drinking a few beers a night he worked 2nd shift so he got off at 11 pm and only had time to drink 2 beers before he has to go to bed but now he is training on 1st shift. He drinks from the time he gets off work till the time he go to bed and passes out . He always says mean hurtful things to me and accasionally is abusive . He is always picking on our kids saying they are yelling or being to roudy when to me they are being typical 6 year olds . When I tell him to leave because of his actions he either gets violent or spits in my face literally literally spitting in my damn face. The slightest thing with make him mad if anything happens it’s just a reason to drink more . We call the way he acts while he drinks ( acting a donkey) that’s his violent episodes name . Or if i won’t let him in the house he will cuss and scream at the top of his lungs and I’m scared to death that he is going to hit me to I don’t let him in and im scared I’m going to get evicted for him causing a neighborhood disturbance so I have to call the cops. Our oldest can’t stand her own father she is 17 because he is always making unnecessary mean comment to her while he is slurring and dosent make since he calls me a bad mother in front of our children and least week he hit me three time in front of them in my mouth I have a really big bruise on my arm from it and my jaw hurts to eat . He went to jail for public intoxication and when he got out he blamed me for him going to jail and locking his keys in his car . He is a really good man when he is sober and I love him so much when he is sober but when is he ever sober now in days that’s very few he has went without a beer like 4 days in 6 months . He won’t admit he is a alcoholic and indint known what else to do I gave him a altumatume that he can come around us when he is sober or don’t come around at all . I want the man I fell in love with back because I don’t know this guy . My daughter who is 6 said i love daddy in the morning but not daddy at night your know why she says that because he is drunk mean weird and makes everyone uncomfortable at night. I can’t handle the beer any More I can’t stand the thought of him with a beer in his hand. I’m tired of our kids feeling scared and intimidated and me too . Sorry to unload so much on you but I have No one to talk to . Please pray for my family god bless and I’m sorry for anyone else out there going through the same situation . Your in my prayers

  51. Wendy June 2017 at 8:59 am

    My partner is lovely and sharp when sober – I am so tired o this roller coaster of emotions when he is drunk. I’m 63 and w have been together for 20 years – many of them happy initially. I think I have to leave for my own survival.

  52. Margo June 2017 at 10:22 pm

    My husband is an alcoholic, I am being mentally abused by him, He lost a good paying job for stealing, He refuses to get help, I have Lupus, And I am not supposed to be stressed, My health is going down really fast, The reason why I have not left is because I have no where to go, We have been married for 33 years, At first for many years I did not know that he drank, He was hiding bottles around the house, I know that I am rambling, But that is what I do a lot, Because I am so hurt that the bottle is more important than me, I hope I can make it, But it looks very bleek

  53. Lynette June 2017 at 10:32 pm

    Prayers to all. My husband was single for 23yrs. We have been married right at 2yrs now. 4 months we were apart because of work. 2 weeks before we got married he went on a drinking spree for about 4-5 days missed work. Yes, he was on that pitty pot! I was out of town. I didn’t know what was up with him. He didn’t return calls. I finally just sent a text and told him that I loved him. Well, I had to go get him and put him back together. I’ve never in my entire life have felt with such. I almost called the wedding off. Now, I feel like he is breaking me down. I don’t know how to deal with this. He is a good hard worker. This is my 4th marriage. 3 marriage we were together 23yrs. I’m 50 now. He is 54.I try and talk to him even when he’s not drinking his beer. He turns everything around to it being my fault. I don’t drink that much at all. I figured it would help if I didn’t drink. It doesn’t. He got madd at me tonight because I wouldn’t tell him where the light switch was on the wall going downstairs.i thinking where is your common sense?!? He gets madd and goes and gets on the couch. I went down and asked what’s wrong He just tells me that he just wants quite because he’s got to go to work at 4. I told him fine we will just grow apart. I’m tired! It’s like he doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me. He just wants me to be his wife. How in the hell do you handle this???? Dear God give us strength.

  54. Hemlock June 2017 at 2:49 pm

    Husband used to just have a couple of drinks almost every night after work.
    Now it’s daily, and not just a few beers, now its like a 6 pack and then he moves on to ounces of whiskey (usually at least half a bottle of Bushmills a night, $$$$ habit).

    I’m getting sick and tired of a husband who’s insensible by the time I get home from work a half hour after him, who passes out on the couch by 7 pm most weeknights, earlier on weekends, who uses ANY excuse to drink (football season is especially bad).

    He’s not violent, and doesn’t blame me for his drinking.

    I have long suspected that he hides bottles around the house (like his little trips to the garage for nothing….but he gets more and more drunk as the night goes on)…found empty vodka bottles in our son’s bathroom. Also that he’s been taking off work or drinking during the day when he goes home for lunch, how else can he already be drunk if I get home so soon after him?

    He was on a bender one day really bad like almost black-out drunk by noon. His parents called and he was insensible on the phone, very slurred speech, and then he passed out while talking to them. They kept trying to call him back but he didn’t answer, couldn’t he was passed out sawing logs.

    Found out it was worse when I came across a notebook I thought was our son’s in the living room the other week (same composition books I had bought at start of year for school). Looks like he decided to start journaling his thoughts and feelings about drinking. He drinks in the morning when he wakes up before he goes to work, keeps it in the car, has been drunk or drinking at work/lunch at home, bottles hidden all over the house, skipping out on work/too many sick days.

    He blames family genetics for his myriad health issues, fatty liver, gout, nausea, high BP/cholesterol, diarrhea, I know all those can be attributed to alcohol consumption, but his Dr doesn’t know the extent of his drinking.

    Worst part is our son. I don’t want him to think it’s normal for someone to be passing out on the couch still sitting up, or to be smelly, red eyed, slurred speech. I’m afraid when I travel for work that my husband is going to either be so hungover in the morning or already drunk in the afternoon that there might be a car accident when he drops off/picks up our son. Or that he’s passed out so early that he has no clue where our son is.

    So far he’s still functional, hasn’t screwed up anything at work too badly, or gotten called to the carpet yet for his absences, but it’s only a matter of time. Today was the ultimatum, get professional help or your out of the house until you get treatment.

  55. Polly June 2017 at 10:37 am

    I have been married for 4 years. We haven’t slept in the same room for the entire marriage. My husband drinks every night until he can’t drink anymore he also smokes weed nightly. When I go yo work I have to have my mom babysit because he drinks so much. When he drinks he gets argumentative. My husband never comes to any of my son sports .he spends so much on his addiction that we’re always broke. I feel like a single parent and we’re just roommates I’m frustrated. What do I do

  56. HappyHusky June 2017 at 12:39 am

    My husband and I are 27, we have been together 4 years, have a 2 1/2 year old son, he was not drinking for a while and now pressure at work has sent him off the edge again, he used today (fathers day) as an excuse to drink and smoke and pass out. I am so tired of this, I am a nurse so it is my nature to not give up on people and help them, however I am tired of being lied to and blamed for all negative actions my husband does. This is a sad time for me, I feel I am a 24/7 care taker who never gets a day off. My husband is going to end up alone like his real dad, drinking his problems away, he never sees problems in his actions and says I am being hyper-sensitive, this is a sad time for my family.

  57. SadFather June 2017 at 5:21 pm

    My wife has a serious drinking problem. We just had a huge fight because she got drunk yesterday and said a lot of very mean things to me. Today she promised me she wouldn’t drink and then proceeded to tell me how awful I am and blames me for all her problems from her drinking, her obesity, her depression, her lack of friends as the only friends she has are the ones who are also complete alcoholics. After this I decided I needed to take the kids out and away from the toxic environment and we went to the beach. We got back and she was drunk, of course. I’m living in Brazil which is her country and she said that if I leave her I will never see my kids again. The law her will never let me take my kids away from their mother. I’m so sick and tired of laying in bed wondering if she will actually come home or if she will show up a couple of days later, or even worse get in an accident. I get so stressed if she goes anywhere with the kids. I never know if she will drink and drive with them in the car. I don’t want anything to happen to my two babies.

    I lost my job last week because she came to my work completely drunk and started yelling at my boss because she wanted me to take the kids so she could go party. So now I’m completely $&@#ed.

    I don’t know what to do.

  58. Lost June 2017 at 2:05 pm

    My husband prefers to stay out at night always. He thinks going out at night and drinking with friends is enjoyment.We are married for 4 years now.What do i do to get him and myself out of this situation ?

  59. Presley June 2017 at 9:36 pm

    I have no clue how to deal. My husband has been a drinker for years, now he moved on from beer to vodka, he has a drink then drives & goes to work drinking. He is spending all our money. He lost his job & crashed his vehicle, I dont think he was drunk? Im terrified were going to lose our new home & take me down with him. He has a great new job now. He promises to stop then drinks the next day. Me saying if you drink its your problem, dont make it mine. If you choose to drink I choose to end our marriage doesnt phase him. Hes a very violent drinker. Hasnt hit me yet but throws stuff at me & breaks things. Every week he drinks so much he blacks out. I dont know what to do anymore. Hes such a good guy minus alcohol. I have no family to turn too so thats not an option. I put all my retirement & savings into our new home. Im stuck 🙁
    Anyones input would be awesome.
    Thank you
    God Bless everyone…

  60. Sadness June 2017 at 6:04 pm

    Can’t leave. Four kids–even though he’s “functional”, they can’t deal
    With his fight picking and bs. There’s no hope. He thinks I’m going to keep working when he retires early so he can drink, travel without me, etc

  61. e May 2017 at 2:18 pm

    I am 82, husband 87 soon. Family is due to arrive for holiday. Married over 65 years. My heart is crushed. Never know how he will be. Not assuming good today. God help me

  62. Nsn May 2017 at 7:43 pm

    I cannot thank you all enough for your painful stories. I am in everyone of them.
    I am severing my Relationship at this moment. I know I am doing the right thing that is: I AM SAVING MY OWN LIFE.
    Every single story is my story too.
    Thank you for giving me the courage to do this. God bless all of you. Stay strong and know you are not alone.

  63. Kat May 2017 at 10:24 am

    I feel lucky to have found these posts last night just after yet another argument with my fiancé over his drinking. This time I came home from work to find his staggering drunk and having trashed the plumbing to the shower thanks to another drunken DIY attempt. As always it is always some how my fault in his eyes. We have been together for 5 and a half years. At first I was worried that I would end up alone at 45 years old. That fear kept me putting up with his drunken damage and verbal abuse. I realise now that I am alone anyway as he prefers to spend most of his day either drunk or passed out. It breaks my heart because I do love him and realise that he is in so much emotional turmoil. He deserves a happy and healthy life. So do I. Last night I asked him to chose between going to an AA meeting (he has never been to one) or moving out. He chose the latter and has starting moving his things out today. It is painful even though I know that it is for the best.
    There is comfort in reading others stories and knowing that I am not alone. The similarities of the what we are dealing with is astounding. The guilt, the hurt, the feelings of helplessness are themes in all of our experiences.

  64. Samantha May 2017 at 11:04 pm

    Wow these stories really are pretty sad I hope most woman can get the help they need. Compared to reading these stories I feel like I may still be in the “early” stages so to speak. My fiance has a wonderful job is the breakmaker of our family, which besides his health scares me the most about his drinking. He’s supporting me and our child and if he lost his job due to drinking we could be in much deeper problems my job would not be able to cover our family bills. I use to drink with my fiance when we went out or made fun drinks at home. I did notics when we drank together he didnt really ever have a “limit”. But I never really thought anything of it. Slowly he started drinking after work a glass of vodka and cranberry almost every night. Then that glass turned into half a bottle, to now he drinks a whole bottle of vodka easily without any chasers atleast3-4 times a week. He doesn’t think he has a problem. He thinks since he still has a job and not walking around as a day drinker then he cant be considered am alcoholic. Although drinking a big party size vodka bottle to himself is not concerning to him. He can be freshly ahowered but the smell of vodka smells through his clothes. His urine when i spotted from a forgetting to flush is the darkest i have ever seen someone’s urine. Im very worried for his help and me pushing him getting help isnt doing anything but pushing him to drink even more. I know he feels guilt because he tries to hide his drinking and bottles. I just dont know what else to do. Only thing i have not done was reach out to his family. Im afraid they will not take me seriously since he is not a heavy day drinker walking and driving drunk but more of a night binge drinker when he is alone. Leaving him may be my only option. After reading these stories ot sounds thats the road im headed and I’m just not willing to live such a uhappy life that you can bot redo.

  65. Annette May 2017 at 7:20 pm

    Where do I start…

    I fell in love with a man whom I soon found out was a drug addict, womanizer and alcoholic. He gave up drugs, women but refused to give up liquor. I don’t know if this makes me stupid…but every lie he told me, I believed. Maybe I was stupid, or in love, I don’t know, the lines become blurry. For the last 10 years I believed his hype. 4 car accidents in 2 months. On the verge of losing his job and the house later… I sit hear and type this letter with my eyes nearly sealed shut from the tears I shed for the pain in my heart. I ask God to take him home so that he’d finally be at peace. But he continues to scave by.

    I wish someone can tell me how to turn off my love and emotions for this man. How do I make the first step to free myself from him? Those closest to me, tell me to prepare myself for the call…How do I do that?

    Please someone, how do I pass through this trial???

  66. Erin May 2017 at 1:59 am

    I wish there were more hopeful stores here. My husband of 6 months and I had a kismet story. We dated years ago, fell out of touch and then fate brought us back together and things moved quickly. 3 years later we’re married. He would warn me early on, joke about the fact that he was an alcoholic. I grew up a child of abuse but never knew a drinker so I didnt know what to expect, what to look for, or JUST how hard it would really be. I was so cocky to take it on. I also didn’t know he was drinking a giant party size bottle of vodka every two days. He would stop drinking hard liquor for a month, maybe even 3 months at a time– always drinking wine and beer. But he’d have slips. And lie. And hide little bottles. Now the little bottles are less frequent but the beer and wine are at a peak. He started a fight wth me tonight telling me that I don’t really love him or care about him and I’m no help, that I’m the opposite of help (along with a lot worse things). It’s enough to make a sane person crazy. I didn’t do anything to upset him — I tried to listen to him and support him and he just lost it. I don’t know how to help him, I’m sure I can’t. He went to AA a few times but it didn’t stick. After our fight tonight he swears things will be different tomorrow and he’s going back to AA. I want to believe him, he’s just broken my heart so many times. I want him to turn his life around like Robert Downey Jr or something. Ha! But seriously, we are so in love most of the time and he would be the perfect man if he wasn’t an alcoholic. He knows he has a problem and he says he wants to change, knows he has to change. I just worry that the disease is stronger. We want to start a family within the year– but reading these stories I’m even more resolved to refuse to stop my pill as long as he’s drinking. Are we all nuts for thinking our men are different?

  67. Tara May 2017 at 3:03 am

    I have been with my husband for 9 years and married for 4. We have two wonderful daughters that he is missing out on because of his alcoholism. Before we had kids he would drink on the weekends but once we had our first daughter he started getting drunk every night and not even coming home at least 2 nights monday-thursday. He always had an excuse to work late, then he would start lying about where he was and what he was doing just so he could drink…..well here we are with our second daughter who is now a year old and nothing has changed. I keep thinking maybe something will click and he will go back to being the man I loved but it’s not happening. I beg and plead with him to stop but then he will keep it up and use me as his excuse. It’s hurts me sooo much that he could be do selfish and care so little about his daughters and me. I have asked for help from his family many times but they just ignore it like it’s going to go away. I’m concerned for his health and mine as well. I want to be the best mom possible but it’s hard when u are in such emotional distress. I try to not let it effect my parenting but some days I feel like I’m just coming apart. I just want the drinking to stop.

  68. Kat May 2017 at 9:19 pm

    After through reading through all of these stories, I see that so many are similar to my own. I have been with my fiance for a year and a half now… It took me a while to realize that he had a problem. I used to drink with him when he wanted to drink, but stopped when I realized he was an alcoholic. He can barely hold down a job, so I’m having to pay all of the bills. I’ve seen him neglect doing things with his family or his kids (whom his parents have custody of), because he is drunk or too hungover to leave the house. He’s made promises to stop drinking, even went as far as to ask me to take him to AA meetings… but has never wanted to truly go when they take place. I thought maybe we were starting to do okay, but today found him out drinking from a bottle of Vodka he had hidden in my car. When he’s sober, he can be this great, loving, caring person….. when he drinks, he turns into this obnoxious a-hole, and why he’s not physically abusive, the way he acts and what he says takes an emotional toll. I’ve thought about leaving, but found out that I have a baby on the way, and do not want my child to grow up without a father…and I was working on helping him get his two kids so he would be there for them as well. I know we all love him. But at this point, starting to wonder if it’s really worth the fight anymore.

  69. Melanie May 2017 at 9:50 pm

    I feel so weak and curl. I love my husband so very much. We have been together for 7 years. 2 of them he has been drinking 2 pints a day. We have 2 little girls together. Hes killing himself. He was in icu w/ gi bleeding due to his drinking. He says he wants to change but doesn’t. I kills me to leave him alone but i have too. He lost his job… Water is off. I have to put my kids first but i feel like the bad guy. He keeps saying if you cant haddle me at my worst you dont derives me at my best. I guess 7 years of tempers and walking on eggshell wasnt good enough. I have to be strong for my girls but it hurts to push someone you love away. I hope he can get better. I just cant be there. It the hardest thing ive done.

  70. Angela May 2017 at 6:56 pm

    So I suppose we come here when we make the realisation that things are never going to change and it will never be easier.
    My husband is a functioning alcoholic.
    He says he doesn’t drink throughout the day but I’m not sure about that anymore. He says he doesn’t drink/drive but again, I don’t believe that.
    He goes out every night to “walk the dogs” and then comes home with beers. He passes out every night, he’s downstairs now asleep on the couch at almost 1am because I refuse to wake him anymore. He has work tomorrow. But he will still get up and go to work…
    He has admitted in the past that he’s got a problem, and can stop for a week or 2 but I know deep down on these stopped weeks he’s drinking secretly.
    I can’t trust him anymore. I keep thinking of following him when he goes out but deep down I know I will believe his lies, even if I catch him he will have the perfect excuse. He makes me doubt myself all the time and my sanity is affected by this! I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I’m going through a period of depression ATM and all I keep getting from him is “what’s up?” When he knows what’s up but doesn’t care enough to change and free me from this pain and suffering.
    I’m ill because of him and his addiction. I’m becoming someone I never wanted to be again. Sad, lonely and wishing I could be anywhere else than here. I hate my life.
    We don’t have sex, which he moans about all the time. Yet how can you have wax when you’re passed out?? Or how can you be attracted to someone who is drunk or passed out every night???

  71. Becky May 2017 at 1:53 pm

    My brother is middle aged and has two kids and a wife. He’s a lifetime alcoholic. I care about the kids, so I try to help by taking them places, games, etc. We enjoy being together. The only contact I have with them is my brother’s cell phone, which he chooses to answer when he chooses to answer, if at all. It’s nuts making for me. I am the youngest in our family and was left to pick up the pieces from drunk fights until I was 15. My dad is still a random psycho, but my brother is the one who drinks.

    So, how do I help the kids and keep my sanity of dealing with my brother? My perspective is pretty narrow at times. This has been going on for years, and I’m done dealing with it almost….my nephews would be lacking in things if I stopped going around them. Maybe it’s for the best?

    I would appreciate your advice….

  72. Syl May 2017 at 2:14 pm

    A couple of years ago I met someone online in a chat room, since then we have established an online relationship. My Problem? During the week when he is sober he is the most wonderful man however come the weekend and he begins to indulge I don’t know who he is, he abuses me verbally, mentally, emotionally. Why do I walk away? I love him but I don’t like him. I feel guilty if I was to walk away because we’ve been through so much, when is to much already? When is enough is enough? Why am I not able to walk away? Please if anyone can help I need peace again in my life………I’m so Broken Down

  73. Liz April 2017 at 8:35 pm

    I don’t feel so alone when I read these stories so thank you! I have been married for 27 years. I don’t even know if I love him anymore. I love the person he is without the alcohol but I haven’t seen that person in a long time. The logical side of my brain says it is time to go but I feel guilty . My family all wants me to leave him but I want to know that I have him every chance. I am wondering if others feel this way. I don’t know why I feel so guilty wanting to leave.

  74. Joanne April 2017 at 5:46 pm

    I have been married for 30 years. My husband is the one who drinks and has done so for a long time but not as bad as now. We have 2 kids who are grown, one of which has basically estranged the whole family. I have been telling him he needs to stop because it is affecting his health. He refuses to go to the doctor and will not work now. He has gotten weak. I feel he doesn’t care anymore about himself. I have been out of work for 6 years and within the last 4 years he has started to drink first thing in the morning. I have been through situations where he has stolen with me right there and I can’t have that as I am trying to get back to work. My being here with him is not working. There is no affection anymore, no conversations, etc. Luckily, the one time he got caught stealing in which I was with him, they did not prosecute. I thank god for that at least. I am in a crisis right now trying to get my life back together. I have grown up with alcoholic parents and I know what I am facing. I have talked to him about his excessive drinking but it only leads to arguments. I have called the police on him once already and he went to jail. He has tried to retaliate back at me. I have no family here and I’m not sure what I should do. Need someone to talk to and maybe get some help.

  75. Elaine April 2017 at 2:13 pm

    God help me I’m so stuck ,don’t know how to deal with this selfish uncaring, lying alcoholic man ,married him twice ,more fool me after he’d the cheek to leave me for someone else, why o why was I so deluded, blamed myself ,but everything has always been about him unfortunately ,I didn’t see this so sad two great children and 3 beutifull grandchildren, only cares about himself.

  76. Aliza April 2017 at 5:43 pm

    It’s amazing how each one of us could have written these stories ourselves. I’ve been with the love of my life for going on 7 years, married for almost 4. I knew she was a recovering addict when we got together, I thought, I can handle this and signed up. She’s always had an amazing work ethic, he’d a good job etc. Because of that, I thought, surly this can’t be that big of an issue. For years we drank together, sometimes a little, sometimes too much.
    It wasn’t until she started using again, behind my back, that things got really bad. We were trying to conceive and there would be sleepless nights of anxiety waiting for her to come home, hoping she was alive. Hoping she didn’t hurt anyone else while driving. I was trying to be healthy and stress free, while struggling to get pregnant and every week, would come the night. I would wake up to an empty room.
    Over time I became sick and unreasonable myself, trying to force a solution, force communication, force everything. Becoming frigid in my ways, and affection, in my understanding. I was unpleasant to be around and more like a parent than a wife.
    In one of my (failed) attempts to force a solution, I talked her into moving across the country, we had talked about moving many times, but this time it stuck. We moved clear across the country. We took a break from trying to get pregnant. We gave up the dog we had just adopted (2 other attempted solutions of mine) and we left. 2 weeks after we arrived to our new “home”, she decided that we needed a “fresh start” and some time to breath and rediscover ourselves so we could be become better versions of ourselves. This would help our relationship, she insisted! I disagreed profusely, but my opinions on this were dismissed as she signed a lease for her own studio apt. She left. I was gutted. I am gutted.

    I found myself in pieces, sitting in my first Alanon meeting a month after she left me. In one weekend I think I made it to about 5 meetings. I cried through every single one. I lost about 10 lbs (bring me down to a measly 107) I thought about quitting my job, moving back home, killing myself.
    I’ve been in Alanon now for 5 months. I no longer cry through every meeting and I have good days. I’m able to enjoy my mornings making coffee for just me, because I want coffee. I’m able to enjoy music while getting ready, but can handle the silence as well, most days, without crying.
    I’ve lived on my own for 7 months, and I’m now working my way through the steps. I have a sponsor that will listen to me with out judgment when I call her one day swearing I’m headed to the lawyers office then 24 hours later telling her, we’re going to get though this. Good days and bad, I can whole heartedly say, I am a better version of myself today than I was 7 months ago. I have more love to offer myself and more to offer the world.

    I’ve been trying to salvage my marriage every day of these last 7 months. There have been days of hope and others of pure white, blinding rage. I’ve discovered there has been affairs with people I had at one time called my friend, there have been more lies and some truths as well. There have been relapses, drug use, hospital visits, fights and desperate pleads for forgiveness.
    In all of this I’ve learned that my wife has a disease and I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I certainly can’t cure it. I can choose to stay and hold on if I accept what the reality of it is or I can choose to let go.

    Today, through tears, I have chosen to let go, and let God. I have chosen myself as it’s the only thing I have any control over. I’m choosing to live and let my higher power help me down this road of life. I do all of this with love, not just with love for myself but love for my wife and her recovery as well. I hope she finds her path. I still have spiteful thoughts of resentment and revenge, but I try to just let them go as they come. I know I feel better about myself when I don’t have hate in my hart.

  77. Sher April 2017 at 10:40 pm

    My story is similar. He lies and steals and thinks he is better than everyone else. He has no regard for our marriage, he doesn’t care about love or respect. Trust is a foreign word to him. He is waiting for his mom to die so her money will right all his wrongs. He has no credit rating, no driver licence , no vehicle and expects everyone to be at his disposal . He shows no affection to me even when sober. I’m in a loveless marriage, 60 years old and have an std that he gave me. The hurt and despair is something I don’t think I can bear anymore. I’m too ashamed and embarrassed to tell my family and friends. He thinks as long as he tends meetings at aa then I will forgive and forget the unfaithfulness, lies, cheating, deception and anguish. We are in so much financial debt that I’ll die and my kids will be stuck with 1.5 million to pay off. Nice legacy for innocent children. What am I living for?

  78. rr April 2017 at 8:15 pm

    My life is such a fake. I look like I have it all together. The reality is my husband is an alcoholic, i’ve lost my house, I grew up with an alcoholic, and I’ve suffered abuse. I’ve been homeless for a short time, I’m heartbroken, and lost. But…you will see me in church each Sunday..finding ways to help others. You will see me shining at my career. My children are known as polite and talented. Its a front I’ve kept up since I was a child. I use to take my father’s shoes off for him when he’d pass out on the couch. I’d jump between he and my mother to protect her from him. I would sneak away when staying at friends so i could call my mom and ask her if everything is okay. Now I’m reliving the cycle with my husband. He’s wonderful in everyone’s eyes. Yet he is horrible to me most of the time. He spends our hard earned money on 12 pack after 12 pack, yet blames me for our financial stress. I’ve kept this secret from my family…even my kids don’t truly know the pain i’m gonig through…or maybe they do. They’ve sufferred terribly as well, seeing the worry in my eyes..hearing us argue. I’ll soon be an empty nester. I’m happy for my children to begin lives free of pain. So…now the strange part. Why do I stay? Why can’t I leave? Why do I keep hoping things will change. They won’t. My dreams are dwindling. I so badly want it to work out…and we live that happy life. Alcohol has changed him more than I could. For now, the fake front continues. Just happy I could finally say it to someone.

  79. Maureen April 2017 at 1:18 am

    I have been on that roller coaster for 21 years…it will e 22 in July. We are no legally married and have a 13 year old daughter together. He will binge drink for 2-3 days….then be all nice the day after….2 days later for the next 3 he is verbally abusive…puts me down in front of our daughter….accusses me of imaginary boyfriends….accusses me of stealing my own money…i am on disability for some medical issues. They are maintained right now….but the weekly stress has caused me to gain 60 pounds….i hardly eat…my daughter us at the point where she wishes he would move out….but he wont…he has made it clear…he will never leave and if forced he make my life a living hell more than it is now. I dont want to live like this anymore but i feel like i stuck! Family and friends have witnessed his verbal abuse while he was drunk and sober and he embarrassing all the time with side remarks. I feeling like i am slowly dying inside…i cry myself to sleep almost every night. When he is drinking my daughter and i will lock ourselves in her bedroom so he doesnt bother us. This is no life….Dont know what to do….how to do 🙁

  80. Fifty April 2017 at 5:55 am

    My story is so similar to the others I have read only difference being its my wife that is the alcoholic. She is the type that loves a drink and could probably drink most guys under the table. Only problem is that she is an emotional nasty drunk behind closed doors and unfortuantely I am the one who cops it. (its never been physical abuse) She simply cannot function. Starts doing weird things out of the ordinary around the house repeats conversations five minutes later that she doesn’t recall having already said. I am 46 and have been in the Police for 29 years, I don’t drink anymore as her behaviour has turned me right off it.
    You would think I should have known better and realised i shouldn’t continue on particularly for my 8 yr old son that I have brought into this situation, 10 months ago and quite miraculously my wife gave birth (IVF) to the most beautiful baby girl. unfortunately the stress has confounded ten fold. When she is not drinking she is a great mum and loves our daughter to bits. However she is being sneaky and conniving and deceitful in getting access to alcohol within the house and having it at strange times, usually when I’m at work. I get home and I get the usual lies that seem common to everyone’s stories however she cannot function at all. It appears the alcohol mixed with a lack of sleep is an even bigger problem. She puts the baby to bed 5 minutes after getting up but forgetting she has already had the morning sleep, feeds her unusual food at strange times and even put her into an ice cold bath when it was supposed to be warm….On this particular day she gave her 5 straight bottles of formula and there is nothing I can do. If I’m holding her she takes her off me, I had her to sleep this afternoon for about two minutes however she came in and picked up a sleeping baby for no reason and gave her another bottle of formula. I am at my wits end. I love my wife or at least i love the person that she can be when she is sober. She is beautiful dresses fabulously and is a fun caring person. But when the alcohol kicks in everything is completely different. Its like the right side of her face doesn’t even work and her eyes look so big. Whilst she thinks she is hiding the drinking from me she so many obvious tells. Basically she turns into a completely different person. To say Im stressed would be an understatement. I have had to rush home early from work on a few occasions as I could tell that the alcoholic different person was with our baby. I am at my absolute wits end and do know what to do for my baby and myself.

  81. Jamila April 2017 at 10:20 pm

    I am so desperately seeking help. I’ve been married less than a year. I have never faced or been involved with an alcoholic. I’ve read all the comments below and each story sounds like mines. When I met my husband we would drink occasionally together and it was then that I should’ve realize it would never work. He would wake up in the morning and start drinking. He would be drunk around his kids be verbally abusive. I tried everything to help him.. He got fired from numerous jobs. Got 2 DUI’s. went from having everything to nothing. After the 2nd dui he stopped drinking but then starting doing drugs. After not having a drink for 6 months we got married, moved in together and started building a life together. But as each day by day passes he’s going back to his old ways. He drinks in the morning when I’m gone to work.. or he sneaks around drinks.. I literally feel like I need a babysitter for him. I’ve given this guy every ounce of love and have turned my life around to being a great wife and a step mother to his kids. But I’m so tired of the lies, sneaking around, and drinking.. i don’t know what to do anymore!! Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. One day he’s so sorry and he promises he’ll change then the next minute he’s like I don’t care. I’ve been suffering in the relationship for 6 years. Lost friends, family. I’m so alone now!! I need help

  82. Hanna April 2017 at 1:56 pm

    I am supposed to get married in seven days to the love of my life. He admitted he had a drinking problem seven months ago and went to AA and supposedly quit drinking. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Six days ago, I found a receipt with a bottle of vodka on it. He was drinking it in his tea right there in front of me. He lied and said it was a mistake on the receipt and that he did not buy any vodka. Then he admitted it. Then he admitted two other times he had bought alcohol secretly but that was it. Suddenly all of the lies became clear. I asked repeatedly if there was anything else I should know. He said, no that was it. Well I asked again and again and he finally admitted that he has been drinking regularly for months and had several months ago as well. He blamed me for being unapproachable to discuss his thoughts about being able to drink again. He now admits he is an addict and has gone to AA twice this week and we saw our counselor together. He says that he wants me to marry a week from today like we planned or that we are going to break up. I told him I want to postpone the wedding as this is a lot of stress and new information just days before our marriage. He refuses to postpone the wedding. I love him so much this is insane. PLEASE HELP! I can’t marry him and don’t want to lose him.

  83. Donna P April 2017 at 5:14 pm

    I am reading all of these comments and in a very similar story/life. I know logically the manipulation that comes with alcoholics and he’s decided “he can’t take it anymore and we need a fresh start” so sign a 12 month lease on an apt. and “wants out”.

    In reading all of these posts, I see one thing in common…we stay too long. We put up with too much. Is it possible if we had just drawn the line from the get go, that many of these folks would have ended up getting help? I always say i’m not a quitter…anything is possible if we focus on “being the right person”…yet it’s impossible to achieve this as they are sick and I feel as long as we “take the abuse”..they continue to give it. Just curious of the women that may have left early on…did those men get help. it is sad to see/hear all of these stories and the years wasted and yet I find myself saying/doing some of the same things.

  84. Anndrew April 2017 at 2:29 pm

    I have been married to my husband for 21 years. His drinking at night has gotten worse. He drinks beer nightly. We have a 12 year old son who is in bed most of the time when my husband gets home. Our son has seen him stumble to the couch once. I have noticed him shaking during the day more than usual. I’m thinking it is because he hasn’t started drinking for the day yet. He isn’t abusive and has never said a negative word towards me. His mother is hard on him. He is a functioning alcoholic. We love each other very much. I don’t want to nor do I have sex with him if he is drunk. He just goes to sleep. He’s had a DUI years ago and I’m afraid he will get another one. We are starting marriage counseling May 1 because I get mad and build up walls and he avoids discussions and drinks too much. I am hopeful he wants to decrease the drinking and talk when we have things to solve together. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Life is so complicated and I’m not one for controlling another person. I know he needs to want to do this for himself and for us. I know I can’t do it for him. I want to know the best way to help and be loving.

  85. nora April 2017 at 4:55 pm

    omg , I’m on the sofa crying my husband for 4 years together 6. is a functional alcoholic. he drinks every evening . as soon as he gets home from work, until he passes out on the sofa. we both have great jobs I do love him. we have separated twice . I feel empty inside to my soul. I cant even put it in words, he can be so nice and so mean and cruel. all in the matter of hours. he does not remember things lots. takes eveyones side but mine on weekends he starts drinking as soon as he gets up.then he passes out has a nap then does it again, he embarrasses me lots . my kids tolerated him for me. he daughter wants noting to do with him. his son who is handicap and lives in a group home in abusive to female staff , and they wonder why. he says his drinking does not hurt anyone because he can affort it and he still works. Thanks for reading

  86. Heidi April 2017 at 9:57 pm

    I have read many of these stories and myself have a story of love and loneliness and a rollercoaster of emotions.
    My husband is a functioning alcoholic or rather “a problem drinker”. I don’t know what the correct label is but I do know that a 41 year old man should not be passing out on his couch. I don’t find it to be attractive that he chooses to drink alone at home, daily (when he is home from work). I have a list of incidents that are embarrassing and ugly but mostly in between I just feel lonely and empty. It doesn’t matter how much I love him— love just isn’t enough. My teen daughter moves away from our home to her Dad’s home and I have a wonderful son at home.
    I feel the stories I read are much like mine and I would like to say that there is hope. The hope you have should be IN YOURSELF… you (and I) can do this, and the only way is to devise your own personal plan to become financially and emotionally independent. There is no cost too high. Accepting some temporary help from friends and family is nothing to be ashamed of.
    For me, I am in no danger other than letting more years slip by while I feel like an empty paper bag floating around in a wind storm. I wanted a deeper emotional connection to my friend and husband… but I cannot control him or force him to see things the way I do. He will always be who he is, until he isn’t. I don’t want to waste my time waiting like an idiot for that to happen. I have begun taking college classes and will be on my way to becoming a nurse. That is a plan that works for me. I will have HOPE and faith in myself. I will love myself and seek happiness in something other than a relationship for now.
    I am sad to see that so many people suffer in such horrible ways!
    I know it’s cliche, but you only live once and there is no time to be miserable or spend your time dragging someone out of their misery when they can’t even see clearly what they may be doing.
    Bless you all. I hope you find courage and peace.

  87. liz hunter April 2017 at 5:27 pm

    I feel so sorry for my partner because his dependence upon alcohol is isolating him. I’m the only one he has, and it’s driving me away. I can’t catch him sober anymore to even begin to try and get him to understand he will end up totally on his own, without me or his daughter. He’s verbally aggressive when he drinks swears UN front of our daughter. I love him very much, and feel so sad that there is a fantastic side to him, then he switches to something else I hate, and it’s now most of the time. I just don’t know what to do anymore to help him. If I mention the drinking he tells me to shut up. I’ve given up to even talk now.

  88. Helen April 2017 at 11:21 am

    Married 26 years last year, we decided to separate trialling a year the date 2/6/17
    is when we agreed to say Yes or No to continuing.He is an alcoholic he is very materialistic, he thinks and believes he doesnt need help. During our marriage I became bored with all of his promising to slow down so I started gambling. My way of escape I thought but I too got addicted to that. Started lieing, not paying our bills I thought if he can put money down the toilet WHY cant I.I soon became a regular on the pokie scene what a huge mistake I made.Always making excuses to be out of the house especially if he drank for 3 to 4 days of a week on our fortmightly centrelink payment,his second favourite pass time besides drink was sleeping recouperating thats when Id gamble more. At least I didnt have to listen to his very boring repeated conversatiom about the same topics , the pokie machines never talked back I was hooked. So two to tango as they say. He started hating me as much as I hated myself,eventually leading to his cutting words of how useless I was. Separation inevitable. The year is nearly over in this time weve had sex.probably 3 times. Im happier now then I ever was Im sleeping with another man not the conditions.arranged husband asked me to wait a year then discuss our mariage then JOKE, I am frightened he will physically hurt me, he may commit suicide had had thoughts like this through the marriage, or just shoot me. Today I want to ask for a divorce but terrified for my own life. I am a prisoner to Alcoholism and I am the one who seriously needs counselling,help,advice. I feel so much hate toward him I feel like he WON the Jackpot. Im so mentally drained from Addiction.

  89. emma April 2017 at 5:18 pm

    If I’m in the same situation as so many other women then why is this such a lonely place.
    The person you are sharing your life with . The father of your children. He who would drink regardless of the impact on all of us. Who can drink for days and then sober up without any though of how it affects us.
    We are totally dependent and that is how you like it. Vulnerable,isolated and easy to manipulate.This is how these Alcoholic husband operate. They humiliate and hurt you to the depth of your soul. Make you wish you were deaf out of sheer desperation. Yet, they are blameless unwilling to take any responsibility for their selfish acts. Too wrapped up in their own needs to care about the pain they inflict on others. How can you have a relationship based on trust if you can’t trust the person your with. What happens to us wives and mothers? We grow old and disillusioned. Tired of trying so hard to keep it all together when he destroys everything. Your children grow up damaged and move away. All anon is full of people who understand
    You are powerless over Alcohol addiction..

  90. Jodie April 2017 at 4:17 am

    My husband and I haven together for 18 years.we got married when I was 18 and he was 20. We had the greatest relationship. He was funny and attractive and the kind of guy everybody loved to be friends with. That all changed… The year that changed was our eleventh year of being married. He decided to have a girlfriend. I found out about her through people at my church. I also found that throughout their relationship he started drinking. I didn’t know or didn’t pay close enough attention to know he was drinking. I think the guilt drove him here but, that’s not why he drinks anymore. He has called me a cunt for the last seven years, says he hates me, he has punched me in the head to many times to count. I stay because when he’s sober he is my best and only friend. I stay because I love him, I stay because I have no where else to go. He tells me ” you don’t have the balls to leave”. He’s right I don’t but I am getting to the point where I need more than this. I want to be treated good everyday, I want to trust again, I want to feel loved. I want him to be not married to a bottle but to his best friend. I truly miss him!

  91. Angie April 2017 at 11:08 pm

    This is my first time reading through these comments. I’ve avoided going to Alanon meetings or talking to anyone because of heartbreak that will happen if his parents find out. I’ve watched him go through substance abuse after substance abuse. It almost cost him his life one year ago this month. Now alcohol is his choice. He has an amazing job, truly making a difference in people’s lives, but I feel like we’re living a complete lie. Well we are living a lie. We pretend to be happy, we can actually fake it for a few days here and there, but no one around us knows the battle every night we face when he lies to me about getting alcohol. I truly never know if he is taking some type of pill or is saving drinking a bottle of liquor for when I go to sleep. We’ve been together for 7 years, married for 5. We have two amazing sons and he really is a great father, until after they go to sleep. Our oldest is 2.5, he’s going to start remembering his parents arguments. He’s going to know what daddy means when he’s taking a break is that he’s going outside to smoke or drink. I know this group is supposed to bring hope, but I’m devastated. I love him. But I am broken. I can’t trust a word that he says. How do you not trust your own husband, your best friend? I haven’t been a saint, I’ve started snooping, always looking to find where he’s hidden the alcohol or bottle of pills. Which in turn he says gives him more of a reason to drink. We started seeing a counselor and there was hope for two weeks, until he starred drinking again. Now he’s been drinking for a week straight and avoids me whenever I want to talk. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know my hope should be found in Jesus, but I just want this cup to pass from me. I want healing for my husband. I want healing for me. i don’t want my boys to see this growing up. Any advice or prayers would be so appreciated.

  92. Angry mum April 2017 at 6:58 am

    My 26 year old daughter is a drunk. She has a 4 year old son. I am so tired of her behavior. She refuses to admit that she has a problem.

  93. Donna April 2017 at 11:32 pm

    I met J. online and we were both amazed at how much we had in common, starting with a military childhood, both with intelligent but alcoholic and abusive fathers and kind mothers, but also we both loved to share ideas, and humour . After a month of writing, oh how I loved to receive those new emails, we met at a park. He’d said he wasn’t perfect, so when I saw him looking kind of shabby I thought, Well that’s a disappointment, but I shouldn’t judge him. But then he pulled out a thermus of wine (against bylaws). I was not impressed, realized I’d made a big mistake. We said goodbye, he assuming I was a teetotaller, but I had seen his hands were shaking.

    After after a couple of phone calls a couple of weeks later, we wanted to meet up again. And that’s how it’s been for over 3 years. I have loved him very deeply at times, and at others have been disgusted with his drunk behaviour and foul moods.

    He got angry when I started going to Al Anon a month ago, and has been jealous of my having good friends. I’ve had healthy boundaries in that he doesn’t come to my place unless he’s dry but now I realize that that only means he never comes here. Writing about it (and this had been edited over and over) I see how crazy the relationship has been, especially for me. It’s time to move on. I didn’t meet him when I was young and if I had, I’d have had children with him (because the attraction is strong despite all) and I don’t know if I could have left.

    Thank goodness I started going to Al Anon, and thank you to all of you who have shared your heartbreaking stories here. What I see is a lot of really great people who get stuck in emotionally dangerous relationships; and it seems that the instability of the relationships makes them addictive in themselves. It’s a tough tough challenge, loving an alcoholic addict. But you know what? We’re not helping them out by being there and we’re not helping ourselves either. It’s easy to miss out on the beauty and mystery of life when we’re stuck with people who drain us of our energy. It’s tough going it alone but at least it’s healthy.

  94. Lana April 2017 at 4:54 am

    I am scared of my husband…he refuses to get help! He becomes violent when drunk. I have spoken to his mother about it but when he finds out he threaten to divorce me. I am all alone here, i am stucked, have no where to go or talk …. ????

  95. Alyssa March 2017 at 6:05 pm

    Me and my husband have been together for 4 years now. I know , not a long time. But it feels like an eternity. I am utterly in love with him, when he’s sober. He drinks day and night, a highly functioning alcoholic… But with it fights are started… He always fights with me, always thinks I’ve met someone at work who I am interested in… Its like I’ve lost myself as a person. But when he is sober he is the best man in the world. I knew what I was getting into when we got together. But I had never dealt with an alcoholic before so I had no idea what I was stepping into. I mean even just my “tone” will set him off on a fight. Or the way I look at him, or if I’m typing on my phone because he thinks I’m texting the earlier stated “man from work” who doesn’t exist. My heart hurts Every time I try to kick him out, I honestly can not picture a life without him, and can not picture him with anyone but me and vice versa. I just don’t know where to go from here. We have talked about him quitting for a long time or cutting back and He will for about a month then for some reason “boredom” kicks in an he’s back to drinking ALOT.

  96. Cherish March 2017 at 6:56 am

    Im stuck in a hard place my husband when he drinks hard alcohol we have conversations that when he sobers up he doesnt remeber at all. He says im lying to him. We argue over everything i remeber. He holds my step son over my head saying hes going to leave with him. I could leave but it would break my sons up. Ive tried just telling him he has a problem but he doesnt listen. Im tired of not being trusted anymore.

  97. Mom March 2017 at 9:41 pm

    My husband of 42 yrs drinks because he likes how he feels. He is a functioning alcoholic, lies to me for many yrs, 25 now, hides bottles, drinks in secret, passes out on the couch every few days, but is a good father, grandfather, helps out around the house, we have similar attitudes toward money, politics, sense of humor, hard working, religion, so much. But I hate being lied to. We tried counseling for several yrs, he stopped going. He denies he has a problem but at the same time acknowledges he needs to quit. He knows it has hurt our two daughters and me. I have walked out but I had a medical situation and came back several yrs ago. I gave up and said do what you want and thought I could just put up with whatever, but after finding another empty bottle today after he was drunk three times this week I have had enough. I just don’t know what to do. We are supposed to retire at the end of this year, our daughter is having our 2nd grandchild in October. We have plans to travel, spend time with family, try out new things, remodel our house, just enjoy life. Now all that is dead. He says he loves me and wants another chance. He’s had so many chances I can’t count them all. He won’t go to AA. I went to AlAnon, but can’t really feel any connection. Any ideas?

  98. Wanting to be strong March 2017 at 9:36 pm

    All this makes me so sad. I’ve been with my alcoholic husband for 26 years. I went into the marriage with 2 little children from a previous marriage. From the beginning I knew this was a troubled relationship. My husband would call on his way home from work asking, “Do you need anything?” Bread, milk, ect. He would then stop at the bar. Not coming home until the bar closed. Occasionally he’d bring drunk friends home, to drink more after they were thrown out of the bar. He would pawn things to pay bills after he had spent his paycheck. I tried everything to get him to see what he was doing to me and the kids. He’d miss programs at school because he was drunk. He’d listen to loud music in the house as we tried to sleep. We fought constantly. I filed for divorce and didn’t follow through. He was arrested for fighting with my son, when my son was older and had moved back home for awhile. I’d throw my husband out and then let him back in. I sold our house of 25 years, on my own, and move to another town. His brother become I’ll and passed away. In my sorrow for him and the tremendous loss I allowed him to stay with me. Before long he was back in my new home permanently. He continued to drink, but he began trying to hide it. It seemed ridiculous to me. I knew he was drinking. This summer he had an online “love affair”. I discovered this by accident when he left the message on his phone opened. I threw him out again, only to allow him back. I convinced myself that I was too poor to not have him here. The drinking became worse. He hide bottles all over, locked his phone. He would get drunk and be hateful, hurtful. He would break things in the house, windows, doors, he would throw things, and stumble around crashing into walls. Recently he has been drinking night and day on the weekend. I just can not live this way any longer. My children are grown. They have given up on me in many ways. They are disgusted with years of my enabling their stepfather. They see me as crazy as him, because I’ve allowed this for so so long. I have a Granddaughter now. She lives states away. I visit when I can. Her mother is always reluctant to come here because of the drinking. Who could blame her? After another horrible weekend and an awful fight my husband has left. I hope with all my soul to be strong and end this roller coaster ride.

  99. Amanda March 2017 at 10:17 pm

    I have been with my husband since we were 16. We have 2 amazing kids. The drinking has been off and on for years. It has gotten worse over the last 5. He drink daily, but is a functioning alcoholic. He is a very mean drunk. Name calling, you name it he does it. To him he is fine and doesn’t have a problem. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot take another day fighting with him. The kids seeing him like this. I am a stay at home mom. I have no real money of my own. I have 3 dogs, 2 kids. Being on
    my own scares me to death. I wish I could just up and leave but something is keeping me here. I do love him with everything I am. I just want him to be the old guy he use to be. The one I married. The father he was to both our kids. I am glad I have found this. And have read all your comments. I am not alone. That in itself makes me feel a bit better.

  100. Mickayla March 2017 at 3:45 pm

    The journey that I have taken with my husband who is an alcoholic seems unreal at times. It was not always this way. Like many of you in the beginning it was great. He was actually deeply involved with the church. There was a light that had drawn me in. I loved him so much to the depths of my soul. He at 1st didn’t want to be with me because I wasn’t on the same level of his religiousness. I have never been a follower someone that just does something because everyone else does. I had became pregnant with his son when I was 18 years old. He had asked me to marry him and of course I did! He was my soulmate so I thought. Our son was born premature at 29 weeks gestation. Talk about a rough time. During this time the drinking began. The drinking has not stopped in 8 years, We have 2 beautiful children together 6 and 7. I just found out I am pregnant. I am so scared for hope has run out. In so many ways it has gotten worse, He never has a job because either he cant hold one or he has no care to have one. All the responsibility is carried on my shoulders. I have never met someone so arrogant and delusional in my entire life. You think someone would be great full that stands by your side through the worst part of your life. He puts me down calls me names makes me feel so small. He blames me for who and what he has become. Everyday I feel more and more hopeless and that one string I have held onto is broke. He runs away all the time 2 to 4 days at a time getting drunk at his brothers. Can you imagine how I feel. Not knowing anything because his family cuts communication and he will not call. He comes home after the fun is over. I dont trust him. He doesn’t have sex with me anymore. He tells me how unattractive I am, as if he looks any better. I feel dead inside and lost. How can the man I loved with every part of my being do this to me and his kids. Put the name calling, lying everything aside. If his drinking doesn’t stop he will be dead or end up with serious health issues. I have no friends and my family does not like him, Can I blame them? He treats me like shit as if im worthless the one person that has stood by his side. His loyalty lies with his family the ones that dont give a shit. Why am I doing this to myself and my kids. Is this love or just complete insanity. Why should I allow myself to be put down and called names. Im comming to a place of hate. I want to understand, I want to say its because hes an alcoholic. Everyone has a choice. He chooses to be this way and get no help, he allows the word to come out of his mouth. He bites the own hand that bares his children and feeds him daily. It makes me sick. My grandmother has been with drunks her whole life and told me about Al-anon. I am thankful to have found this, As many of you probably feel alone. Our situations are nothing to be proud of and we are unable to live regular happy lifes due to the choice of someone else. So I am happy that I can open up to complete strangers who actually are not strangers at all. For as you read our stories we are one in the same.

  101. Jackie March 2017 at 1:43 pm

    I am so frustrated. My husband of 30 yrs. who has been an alcoholic for most of that went into rehab for a month recently. He came out and started drinking the very first day. The drinking continued for the next month until I flipped out. He then went into Detox again with the intent for more rehab after but left on foot only four days afterwards prommissing he was changed etc. He drank for the next week and a half and then entered a different rehab for detox and rehab but two days later he calls me with this excuse and that excuse and is discharging himself. I am so emotionally and physically drained from dissappointment after dissappointment. I don’t know the answers are and have made so many excuses for him over the years. Just like everyone else says, I love him but I’m truly so very tired of this. After going to pick him up today from the rehab facility I continue to pray the Al-anon prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Dear God something has go to give.

  102. Cm March 2017 at 5:02 pm

    My partner and i have been together 2 years now. At the start we went out together every week drinking until i realised he liked to continue drinking the next day. A few months in and he disappeared for 3 days. He promised he ewould never do that again but 2 months later it did, and every month after that for 4 months until i had enough.i rarely drink anymore for i constantly worry he will leave me for days on end. We split for 3 months but i then took him back as everytime he was genuienly sorry and he would never do it again. He does recognise there is a tendancy there for his drinking and has made massive progress with gettin himself together sincd we met. His finacial status has got better… he can go without a drink for months and it would not annoy him.He is the most genuienly loving most decent man i have ever met when sober. He would do anything for me and has the kindest heart…. except when hes had a drink. I took him back and agreed he can stick to a few beer now and again as he said it was just the spirit’s or shots that make him want to drink the next day. All went well for 6 months… we got engaged and a month later he went on another rampage… as we speak its tuesday…. hes been gone since saturday morning. Im a girl in my 20s and he is in his 30s. I constantly get promises that it wont happen again. I love this man with all my heart… he is well liked and the most generous friendly person you would ever meet and someday I know he will be a great family adore him. I adore him.. how can i help him see what he will be losing.

  103. Ginger March 2017 at 12:14 pm

    I have lost who I am…I don’t know how to feel, love, live without shame or embarrassment or to simply live normal. All I ask for is normalcy, does that even exist? I have built up so many walls to try my best protect my kids from seeing what their father does and how he behaves. I want them to grow up to be good strong men who don’t need to turn alcohol to hide their problems. I have been married for 23 years and the last 7 have been the most miserable in my life. I find it impossible to please or satisfy him, he is always so negative and i know that has rubbed off on me. I feel I have become cold and emotionless. We can’t agree on a simple things such as a place to eat. We know a lot of people but don’t have any true friends as they are all turned off on how he behaves. My family deals with him for the sake of keeping peace. We can’t even go on family vacations for my husband complains the entire time! How can a person not have fun with people they love? I still try to include him (because I feel I have to) on them but hope in the back of my mind that he doesn’t go or backs out at last minute. My kids and I have learned to have fun in our free time away from him. I think it’s terribly sad my child will say, when can we go somewhere – we need to get away from dad. After the last several months and one major incident – I finally had enough and filed for divorce. However, I have placed it on hold as he has said he will seek help. (something he’s never agreed to before). Me feeling as the guilty party agreed to see what he will do. He attended AA for about 4 days, then made some excuse not to go. When I busted him this weekend drinking again, he blamed me for saying he didn’t have to go to AA everyday – which i never said. Why do I feel the most guilt from this, why do I have to feel it’s my fault if I don’t give him a chance – why do I have to give him a chance when I truly know how this is going to play out. How long do I play this game? I don’t know if I even love him anymore – I feel I am just doing all of this out of emotions and i guess for some reason not to appear as the bad person for ending my marriage. I feel I would be that person who left when he was at his weakest, the person who didn’t give him a chance. This is so unfair, I have dealt with so much over the years why can’t it be easy! Deep down, I know I am a good person and deserve better, I guess it’s the unknown that is scary and somewhat forces me to stay. However, I do find myself gaining more courage and strength every day to do what’s best for me – just hope I know know when to say when……

  104. Mary jane March 2017 at 4:56 pm

    Most of these women sound younger than I am but the story is the same. We love our dysfunctional mates to the point of losing our own identities n sometimes our possessions. My husband and I have been married 37 years. The last two have been legal separation. He turned into a ‘functional alcoholic’ n has been let go from several high-paying jobs for being ‘crazy’. I spent a year and one half with a relative to ‘heal’ but it was really hiding. We lost our house during divorce arguments. I can’t stand to look at certain homes because they remind me of ours. Our back yard was beautiful, like a park. I miss that too. I miss any feeling of being normal. I am next in line for a senior apartment n have moved to stay with my son for a couple of weeks. I resent living out of boxes and in someone’s extra room where available. I would like to be able to have my sewing machine set up n work on quilts. I have stuff that’s stored at three different places n feel like I may leave this world an inflict my kids n friends with disposal of my junk. I visited my ex recently n he has not given up drinking or smoking. He still tries to hide those habits from me. He’s just pathetic. At least now I can leave n not have to put up with the meanness or lies. All I ever wanted was a man who loved me. Somewhere he learned to love the bottle more. I don’t want anyone else to pick up
    After n lie to cover their dysfunction. I just want peace. Please pray for me.

  105. sarah March 2017 at 11:27 am

    Oh my god! I am so glad I found this. I am currently writing this in desperation as I am laying in my puddle of tears. Next week is my 16th anniversary and I have have been together with my husband for a total of 18 years. Over the past 6 or 7 years I have watched him get progressively worse with the alcohol and now he drinks almost daily and the hard stuff. Shot after shot after shot! He blaims his work schedule or his boss and says that if he got a different job it would all be different. I dont buy it. He is mean, and arrogant too. He calls our kids names and keeps them up all the time yelling. He has broke countless pieces of furniture and electronics
    During a drunken rages. I am always so on edge because sometimes he is really nice when he drinks and then its like a switch will flip and this a@# hole will jusy come out of nowhere. I try to do anything i can to keep that scary man from coming out and get so much anxiety the second he starts drinking because of what he will say or do. He will sometimes get really drunk all by himself and then stay up all night texting other woman. He says it is just friends but i have saw thw texts and they are way over the top flirtatious! I am exhausted and dont know what to do because I know that deep down under this mess he is in he is a great guy! I still love him and promised to be there through thick but all i want to do is escape!!

  106. Jane March 2017 at 10:53 am

    I fell in love with my husband’s smile, his kindness, his joy and confindence. We met in college and shared dreams of a great future both with high hopes and very driven. The problem began when he became stuck in a job that seemed to provide him with success in the form of open bar drinking parties and ‘title promotions’ that seemed like more like pay cutbacks for more work. It all didn’t seem right, but he was fooled and after 7 years of dedication, it was all over and they no longer needed him and several 100 other dedicated employees. He rarely drank when we met and when he did it was for fun. After this happened the reason he drank changed and the way he acted when he was drunk changed. He became a different person, he didn’t care about me, he would be blackout drunk and be verbally and mentally abusive. Now he is unemployed and has been for several months with an alcohol problem and a nicotine problem that I’m not sure how he is able to financially support. We have a young child and I have hope that one day he will wake up and be the man I fell in love with. My hope is fading and I don’t know how much longer I’m willing to wait.

  107. Yvonne March 2017 at 8:29 pm

    Been with my husband for 20 years, 3 kids. Love him but when the drink takes hold…. right now he moved out the family home to try and get sober after going on a 3 day bender days after my aunt that raised me died. He had given up work, i work full time but have just paid the last of my secret money stash on the Mortgage, no idea what happens next month. Right now he is on a bender, mutual friends have contacted me to say he has been turning up at his old work in a state. He has been awol for 48 hours – where is he getting the money?
    Family and friends say leave him, why are you putting up with this. I cry, get angry, get strong, think I can cope, think I can’t take anymore. It is hell living like this and I hope, pray that he can get sober and be the amazing man I fell in love with – that is why I am still here – the hope.

  108. Jess March 2017 at 4:16 pm

    My husband and I have been together for 11 years in may, married for 9 in April. We have a no children together but 3 each from previous marriages (a total of 6)two are grown and the other four live with us full time. We work for the same company and have had a pretty great relationship for the most part in my eyes…he is kind, caring and we have great conversations. Everything on that end is fine….but there is the drinking. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks almost daily and drinks from the time he gets home to the time he goes to bed during the week and starts early on Saturday afternoons and continues drinking through Sunday night on most occasions. This isn’t anything new. Normally we have a cycle. About once every three-four months he will do something really really stupid ending us up in a huge fight and then he will apologize and cut back for a while and then three-four months later, another incident will occur. I have been trying to convince him for years that alcohol is the reason for his troubles. He will never admit it and never quit. I have only asked him to quit completely once, and he did for a bout a year and then, he went back. I have always just asked him to cut back becuase i dont think there is anything wrong with a person have a drink or two every so often.

    One of my issues is that I like to drink also. Not often, but I like to have a drink on a Friday night while out to dinner. One or two is my highest limit. Not him. He starts drinking before we even go to the restaurant and continues long after. Then bad things happen. Like i said he is not mean, just…stupid. Lets start with the big bad things:

    -IN the first year we met, he had 3 DUIs resulting in thousands of dollars paid for him to go through ASAP and to get his license back which took four years. I had to drive him around for years. One of them was a hit and run where he ran into a house and i was in the passenger seat and went through the windshield. I was lucky to survive.
    -He got really really drunk along time ago (before he knew me) when he was in his early twenties and slept with his sister. (Mind you they didn’t know each other, they had just met but really, still.)
    -He shot someone in the hand by accident (again, long before he ever met me but still)
    -He lost custody of his boys to their grama because he overslept on the court date and it took 10 years for him to get custody back. He just got it back BTW
    -He is so far in debt, owes back taxes, overdrafts his bank account (no, we don’t share one) and has maxed out all of his credit cards…but he ALWAYS has money for a bottle. (He doesn’t drink the cheap stuff either. I’m talking Captain Morgan, folks.)

    Those are the things that scream out to me as “big”. Now lets talk about the small things.
    -He constantly sleepwalks. Naked, sometimes. I sleep with one eye open every night because I want to be sure he doesn’t walk naked into one of the kid’s rooms. While he has never done that, he has ended up in the backyard once, and one of the kids saw him naked.
    -The kids have no respect for him because he constantly tried to have serious conversations with them when he is drunk. He gets angry that they dont respect him and doesn’t know why. Heres your sign??
    -He is addicted to porn, meaning, sex is almost irrelevant in our relationship. I never realized that this was an attribute of alcoholism until i started reading up on it. He gets drunk and watches porn. I wrote him a long letter about this just a couple of weeks ago and how it hurt me so bad that we never slept together and he literally read it, cracked a bottle, and then i walked in on him doing his thing to some porn. Needless to say, I threw his computer. It didn’t break unfortunately. He admiited once that he got so much lube on the bed while he was drunk and passed out with it in his hand while i was out of town that he had to wash the sheets. I took him back. He once admitted to me that he was engaging in live porn. I took him back. Stupid.
    -Recently I went out of town and when i came back, i felt like someone had been in my house. He told me he had “a get together” We NEVER have people over. So come to find out his brother and people (INCLUDING WOMEN) that I don’t know came over and drank with him and he doesn’t even remember what happened after that. He was too drunk. Apparently they all spent the night? Oh ya, one of our kids was there that night too…
    -He calls his sister on facetime while he is naked in the bath. Because it is funny. Yes, that sister. ????
    -Last week he got so drunk and his son had the flu and was throwing up profusely for about 6 hours. He was adamant that he wanted to help him so i gave him some guidance and he instead, brought him into the living room instead of quarantining him from the others, made him gulp down a protein drink until he got even more sick, and when i called him out on it, told me to F off.
    -He always friends random women on facebook when he is drunk. I have caught him often having conversations with them.
    -He slurs his words and says things that make absolutely no sense. He spills things, pisses himself, stumbles all over the place, it is so unattractive i wanna puke.

    These are just some that i came up with off the top of my head. I confront him about these things and he finds a way to blame me for everything that happens. Here’s the straw that broke the camels back. Saturday night i told him i needed him to make a decision, me or the drinking. He said THE DRINKING. Can you believe that? Can you believe that this man is confidently ending his marriage with me without even trying to do anything about it because he would rather drink?! My biggest concern here is that he will take his children that he fought so hard for and he will loose them within weeks. He is talking about moving to his mothers house (who is ALSO an alcoholic, mind you) but he cant because she smokes in the house and his son has asthma. I have advised him to get an apartment. He ignores me. Sleeps on the couch, stays on his computer and does God knows what. This has been going on since Saturday. The issue before this where the people came to my house was a month ago. So much for the three-four month breaks.
    I think he has finally given up on everything and i don’t know what to do. I want him to leave on one hand, but on the other i don’t. I don’t want the kids to suffer and i do love him when he goes through his “good periods” We have built a life together. Many years! I am so torn and so upset and so sick of this. My oldest son is 20 and he is a heroin addict who has been through rehab and has a good job and is doing well. My first husband was a drug addict who eventually sucomed to his addictions two years ago. I honestly feel like i am in this cycle with these people and i have know way how to get out. I want to run away, take my kids and go…but i dont know how….

  109. Kris d March 2017 at 8:12 pm

    I’ve been married for 25 years and my husband knows he’s a drunk but he does not care he does not take anything seriously every thing is a joke. I feel being married to him is terrible. I don’t want another 25 years of this. I would like to help him but he does not want help. He bitter rude and just plain not right what can I do? I wish I had a way out!

  110. Kate March 2017 at 12:37 am

    I never thought this would happen to me. I met my husband at church when I was 18 and we got married when I was almost 20. It’s hard to pin down when exactly the excessive drinking started, but sometime last year he started wetting the bed and passing out in the couch (and wetting that) 4 or more times per week. He always tries to hide how many times he gets refill drinks from me… I don’t know why because it’s obvious he’s drinking. He mixes juice with different liquors in a 32oz bottle and usually has at least 2 of them. He also makes excuses for wetting the bed like “I sweater through the sheets” which is just obviously not true. We lost some friends because the husband made a comment to me once about “he was really drunk last night huh?” And I passed it along in a fight. Sometimes he blames me and my parents for his drinking, when he does acknowledge that he drinks too much. I’m not sure where to go from here. Most nights he holds it together until our daughter is in bed, but I dread coming back after laying he down. Constant yelling, paranoia, and making a big deal of little things. He always thinks the worst of me. Nad in the morning, he remembers about 10% of it. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together.

  111. Deni March 2017 at 7:08 pm

    My adult son has been addicted to alcohol, gave that up, then pain pills, then video games, now serious drugs. He has lived with me for 8 years for free. He is wonderful between addictions. He has stolen thousands from me. It got particularly bad last fall,when he took about $6000 from an inheritance I received. He told me he spent it on the floor a friend of his was installing in my house. I got a new car, after 12 years with my old one. He put 20,000 miles on it in 6 months. Finally he let his girlfriend drive it and she totalled it. I put him out and told him he could come back after rehab. He snuck in with his girlfriend and I found them in his room at 5an. I kicked then both out but now he says he is sleeping outside. He has no job, no money, no car. He is trying to manipulate me again. I am trying to stay strong. Reading these stories helps. Thank you for sharing.

  112. Salina March 2017 at 1:52 am

    I am so lost, I’m angry, then I burst into tears and now I go cold… married for 10 years been with him since I was 17 now 38! I actually feel comfort in writing, people I don’t know reading my story, understanding my pain. Why do I stay, love this man dearly, but I am so tied, so sad every evening …. I hurry to tuck the kids in bed, trying to shelter them from their dad. He hates me when he’s drunk and I hate to be around him. The kids are not babies anymore and I try my best to protect them from seeing him plastered.
    My head is so heavy, so disappointed in myself and confused as a mother. I go through it all, ezxavtkt what everyone describes, heartache, abuse et

    So alone

  113. Julie a very sad wife February 2017 at 3:33 am

    I’ve been married for 27 years and when me and my husband were dating he drank but only beer and just recently the last 5 years he just drinks lord Calvert or crown royal depending on how poor we are. He drinks the whole time he’s off and passes out in his chair he blames me for the drinking I am the reason he’s miserable so he says we don’t have sex anymore because I’m not in
    the mood ever when he’s drinking he calls me all kinds of names and is very verbally abusive when he is sober he’s the man I want to be with but my kids are grown and 80 % of the time I am alone and I cry a lot my kids are grown and moved out so I really have no one except my dogs we don’t go anywhere anymore we do nothing fun I am miserable but don’t know how to fix
    this I’m afraid of being on my own I guess fear of the unknown will this get better is there a solution anyone please help!

  114. Sarah February 2017 at 3:42 pm

    My husband of 20+ years woke up this morning at 4am and drank 1/2 bottle of vodka. Came to bed at 7am pissed. Woke me up and couldn’t understand why i was not happy. We were due to meet friends at 9.30 for a walk – there was no way he coukd make it. I don’t love him any more but we have a 11 year old child who still loves her dad. I dont know what to do.

  115. Michelle February 2017 at 6:20 pm

    I have been married almost 20 years. For the past 10 years, my life and daughters have been a living hell. My husband was a drinker all his life but the severity has increased ten folds the past 3 years. He was sober for 2 1/2 years but since his relapse I feel there is no hope in getting him better. I am now the sole financial responsibility of our household as he has not been able to hold a job longer than a couple of weeks. I recently lost my job and to say the least, my life is spiraling down into a mess to where I am about to lose everything.

    We have had swat teams of police trying to pull him out of the house in one of his alcoholic episodes, numerous police at our home, and the last hurrah was when he decided to drive our car drunk and forced his family and me to call the police. It took 5 cop cars to pull him out of the car which resulted on unleashing a dog on him. He immediately went to jail in which we let him stay for a few weeks…hoping and praying he would hit his ‘rock bottom’. It didn’t work…. He went to rehab to help his case and was away on a scholarship from a musical organization (he’s a musician). When he left the rehab, he showed up at our house where I found him in the backyard drunk.

    My daughter is so disappointed in me for continuing to stay with him…I know it. I’m ashamed of myself and I hate myself for believing him over and over again.

    Today was my last straw. My daughter and her friend came home for the weekend from school and of course he chooses to drink. Embarrassed her and myself… She left with her friend back to school and I left for my mothers. I HATE myself for being stupid. What is wrong with me??? How could I ride this ride for so long? The truth is that I can’t get out of my head the memories of him sober and us living a normal life. Our life is ANYTHING but normal. I dream of living normal again.

    He has every opportunity to get help. His family and I have spent thousands of dollars. He refuses to go into recovery. He has this pattern after a binge. Day 1, he is remorseful, sorry and swears to almighty God he won’t drink again and go to meet ins etc. Day 2 he is still sorry and trying to pick up his life. Day 3 – he is as much a nightmare as when he drinks, he’s edgy and exploding over the littlest things. By Day 5, he is right back at it. This pattern has repeated itself over and over again. And I along with it, going through his emotions..waiting for him to fall. I can feel it coming.

    I go through weirdness with his family in that they want him to stop but don’t want me to throw him out. If I call the police, it will be another big scene. I am at my mom’s now praying he leaves peacefully.

    Help…should I cut him off forever? Is there no hope for him? Nothing seems to bring him to rock bottom.

  116. Lee February 2017 at 1:41 pm

    This has been an amazing read. Such great helpful information. I’ve been in recovery for nearly eight years. It takes a lot of work. Getting sober, working a 12-step program, doing service for others and maintaining a continuous healthy spiritual condition is the only thing that really works for me. So I was excited to meet a man two years ago with roughly the same amount of sobriety. We have a lot of mutual friends and everyone was so happy for us and from the beginning we seemed to be on the same page in life. Unlike most new relationships, we have always maintained quite a bit of time apart. I have a stressful job with a lot of responsibility and he works long hours. In additions, my service work, church activities and AA meetings, I had a very busy life before he came along. But I made him a priority in order to spend at two evenings a week with him. I was a little surprised and somewhat hurt, when started asking for alone time after about two months of dating. I’m very open with my schedule and planning “alone” time on the only day I am available didn’t really reconcile. But understanding that everything isn’t about me and there are two people in this relationship, I’d swallow the pain and deal with it. But it was happening about every other week and usually Saturday night. He’d say things like, “You have lots of friends, go hang out with one of them” and accuse me of being needy and co-dependent. About a year ago, though I didn’t think he was drinking, I told him that he has alcoholic behavior and I was concerned that he’s on the road to relapse. I felt as though I was in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I wasn’t able to make any plans with him because 50 percent of the time, he’d cancel. This was leaving me confused and alone. In August of last year, he was clearly drinking and called me. I said, “oh my God, you’re drunk!! And I hung up” He didn’t call or text me for two days. When he did, he said that his blood sugar was high (he’s diabetic) and he thought I was someone else. He was not about to admit he was drinking. As an alcoholic myself, I knew that he’s either he’d realize he made a mistake and stop or it would accelerate. So here I am seven months later with a boyfriend who calls me drunk almost every day and everyday, tells me that he’s gonna get back on track. But now he says that he doesn’t need meetings and that he can do it on his own. So today, after reading all of these heart breaking stories, I’m going tell him tonight that our romance is over. The job of every AA member is to help those who still suffer, but I can’t be more than a member of his support team. No more intimacy, no more late night TV, no more drunk phone calls. Meetings and AA functions are the best that I can do. I don’t want to look back and say hindsight was 20/20. In fact, looking back over the past eight years that I’ve know of him through the walls of AA. I don’t know that he’s ever really been able to string together more than a few months. His resentments and blaming others is still at the fore front of this brain. In true alcoholic form, he’s blamed me for his drinking now. He says that even if he thinks about if, he can’t find one bad thing to say about me, so he can’t understand why I’m twice divorced. The answer that I’m a different person now isn’t enough. He thinks I must be a manipulator and a fake. It’s pure insanity. I’m getting off the plane before it crashes.

  117. Jacquelyn February 2017 at 3:05 pm

    Heaven help me. I am reading all of these stories and my heart is breaking. I am married to an alcoholic. He works for himself from home, so he drinks allllllllll day. He is constantly accusing me of cheating. I am a socially shy person and quite honestly, I wouldn’t ever leave the house if I didn’t have to. Despite him having GPS on my car, though, he thinks I manage to get out when he’s not here (and he’s ALWAYS HERE) and go have sex with random people. I have been accused of sleeping with his brother-in-law, the meth-head neighbor up the street, and, as of last night – some guy from the parking lot at Krystals! (Krystals is a fast-food place).

    I CAN NOT TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am at my wits end. Part of me wants to love him through this and stick with him and the other part of me wants to beat some sense into him. I am so angry. I have never had so much venom in my body – – EVER.

    Thanks for letting me vent. Heaven help us all.

  118. Sharo February 2017 at 4:04 pm

    I echo most all of these comments, yes, even Seans.
    You are not alone. Dont be afraid. Take courage, and be diligent to take care of yourself, wherever or whayeber that leads to.
    You are important.

  119. Anna February 2017 at 11:59 am

    All the stories are so similar it’s scary.The only difference with mine is I wish he would only smoke marijuana and put the alcohol(countless beers-6 to 10 a day) down.He is happy,functional,sweet,etc. on JUST the weed.The booze is the driving force behind making him a mean,belligerent,(in his eyes)victimized,self sorrowful person.Poor me everyone is so bad to poor little me-I do no wrong and work and pay bills and why shouldn’t I be able to drink kind of guy is what I have on my hands,increasingly worse over the last 2 years since his brother was murdered.I’m tired of that being an excuse to calling me names,blaming me for his unhappiness,and ruining his life,when I know damn well different.The truth is,he just simply likes drinking and wants to be drunk and everyone should accept it or we are all in the wrong.He is making excuses for his alcoholism,from beer settling his stomach(yeah right),to it helping him de-stress from work.Lately it has started to become hitting the counters in the kitchen with his fist if you disagree with him.He is not eating,painfully thin and ashen in color.No sex with a drunk you know what,either.I care for him and love him but if he don’t get it together,hit the road,jack!Congratulations,dude,you have taken up a habit that has made you hate your family,hate your life,ruin all your happiness,and you look like crap and you smell like it too.Did I mention I’m angry?I wish I could hire a mule to kick his drunk ass.

  120. Kelly February 2017 at 7:15 pm

    My husband drinks when he gets home from work, 12 to 18 a night. sometimes he will drink intil he can’t he sit in a chair he well fall a sleep there that happens alot, but if I say something to him he will say do you have a job, your stupid, that l am worthless, my son grow up as a with a addition to drugs and it’s my fault, I should leave I know. But I never worked because he told me that I am a housewife, and when he is drunk I a shity one at that . I smoke cigarette but not in my house so if he has friends over I can’t smoke in the garage l have to smoke outside. I have more to say but he watches everything I do.

  121. Marcie February 2017 at 3:10 am

    Hi my name is Marcie Beth. My partner is Paul. He will drink but not all the time.i won’t keep any liquor in the house at all.he had me buy with his money some heavy duty drink. I can’t handle this. He always has to have more than one drink. He was walking and knocking things down. Talking weird to my kids and just puking. I don’t need this behavior. What do I do to help him to stop. He has a good job and is a good person. But it is hard to deal with someone like this

  122. Pirake February 2017 at 5:18 am

    I have married for 21 years now. My husband always consumed alcohol socially and would get easily out of control. He also is an insecure person and have anxiety issues too. As we were away from our country I found it difficult to speak to anybody and tried to deal with it by myself. So over the years I have been abused, had a miscarriage, my daughter is now suffering from anxiety issues (she has been witness to a lot of drama at home)
    Now he see a psychiatrist to help him with anxiety. However, I doubt whether it is anxiety that is the problem. I think he uses anxiety as an excuse to drink.
    Once he starts drinking, he cannot control himself. He misses work. Stays at home and keeps drinking, lying about his drinking. Makes the home environment unbearable.
    This used to be a daily occurrence. After getting help from the doc it has become less but there are relapses and nasty scenes.
    I have come to the end of my patience. The last time I spoke to the doc, I asked him – if my husband hates me so much (once drunk he only has problems with me) I should leave. To this the doc said he might get worse if I leave. So I held on. But, its getting increasingly difficult to bear the pain and humiliation.
    Today, i was hit, banged, my hair was pulled so hard numerous times that I feel I have lost half of the hair on my head.
    Please let me know what I should do. I know he is not in his senses when he acts like this but I cannot take the disrespect and humiliation anymore. Time is a bitch, when he sobers, I too forget this.

  123. jillie February 2017 at 9:49 pm

    I too am married to am alcoholic. His behavior mirrors everyone else’should here. I have been in this he’ll for 30 years and it will never be better. Every time I let myself believe things are going well he blows up and destroys my hope. I am so tired of living this life of fear, degradation and humiliation. I wish I had had enough courage to stay gone all of the times I have been forced to run from where I live in fear because of him. I will never be happy with myself.

  124. Jagadamba January 2017 at 9:31 am

    I’ve been married to my alcoholic husband for twelve years. This is the umpteenth billionth time he has promised to “behave” – which means cut back. He just behaves as though this is a true thing when it’s not a true thing. We live in a constant Hell of stupor and bitching. My hisband’s whole life revolves around drinking. Nothing in our life is untouched by it. We have not had sex for ten years. He has embarrassed me countless times at social and family gatherings because he always gets drunk to the point of stumbling around and and being completely out of it. Nothing can be discussed when he’s drinking because he doesn’t remember anything. When he’s not working he has two sober (hangover) hours a day when he’s waking up with his coffee. Those are the hours of the day that he makes empty promises about helping out, or doing something about his health. He doesn’t see that he is ruining both our lives and putting our future a risk. My husband has an amazing ability to adapt to whatever Hell between us is created by his drinking. One year early on in our marriage I spent the entire year sleeping on a yoga mat on the hardwood floor of our living room because I couldn’t stand to sleep with him – his obnoxious snoring and stinking. I was also obviously trying to make some point about how unhappy I was. My husband simply adapted and acted like it was normal and we were happy. Now I’ve all but moved full time to our cabin in the woods. He visits weekends and drinks all day until he’s asleep on the couch periodically waking up to get another beer. I act hostile all day long and scream at him at night. Everyday I try to come up with a new strategy for coping. Nothing works. I’m either being nicer than I feel because I just can’t be angry all the time, or I’m bitching or yelling. My husband has ruined his health and is interested in nothing but the news, the weather and drinking. He has nothing interesting to say and can’t even join me on a walk around the block. He does manage to go to work, but that’s it. He helps with nothing, does nothing, and can engage with nothing. I want to divorce him – in the back of my thoughts is always the idea that maybe that’s the only thing that might wake him up to reality, but honestly I don’t think it would. Of course we are financially intertwined, and I am extremely vulnerable financially I I divorce my husband. Not that his drinking doesn’t make us financially at risk also.

  125. Concerned wife January 2017 at 7:50 am

    My husband and I are best friends both with monsters to deal with. When we first met he was a big drinker. We we’re attracted to each other but wasn’t right time. He tried to kiss me and I gave him my cheek lol. I had three kids prior to relationship so his drinking was not something I wanted in my life. So I sat back and just watched. After 4 drunk drivings he finally got incentive to quit. I was so happy, and boy did he look great mm. Six months sober and I wanted him lol. He’s a great man, not abusive, love me and the kiddos, works his tail off. I’m the type to lay all my cards out on table. I laid them all out.
    Since we got married almost a yr ago he has started drinking and on top of that addiction now I find he is watching porn after work in parking lot instead of coming home. He has addictive personality so I’m extremely worried. He knew when we got together that porn is my monster being I have bad past with my biological dad. Now I feel I’m being pulled in too directions. I’m trying to help him with his monster as he throws mine at me. He had a choice me or porn… He lied to my face and did anyways. Now drinking is different. As a friend and wife I know he needs me, he needs the kids to keep reminding him exactly what he is fighting for. IDK what to do to help him. He told me last night he thought about killing himself. He doesn’t know what his purpose is. Why is he here. I try to tell him… I don’t want to lose my husband. He has gone 3 days without drinking so far since the breakdown and he seems so lost. I wish I could get in his brain and turn a couple switches off but I can’t… All I can do is sit back and watch him while giving him faith in himself. I love this man with all my heart… But I miss my husband and it’s killing me.

  126. Richard January 2017 at 2:58 pm

    My wife is an alcoholic. We’ve been together for 11 years. At first she hardly drank, never thought anything of it.Then it got to more and more. She’s had many injuries because of it. Fell down in the bathroom, racked her skull open. Shecalls 911 all the time, because she needs help, she says – goes too the behavioral ward- never seems to help – I enable her uy buying the beer. She screems until I go. I don’t know what to do anymore. Can’t take it. I love her but maybe I should leave

  127. Emma January 2017 at 7:52 am

    My heart is heavy as I write this I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now we actually met over a year ago in rehab he is an alcoholic I was addicted to codiene, after 6 weeks in rehab we became best friends and when we came out we kept in touch supporting each other through the good times and the hard times, anyway about 6 months after we came out I could see he was slipping and gradually he went off the radar about 2 weeks later he got in touch asking for help he had started drinking again, now realising I was hopelessly in love with him I went to him he got sober again an we both realised we wanted to be together but he started drinking again, and now I am lost he is emotionally abusive and has hit me twice he has had a pretty rotten life and I really thought probably stupidly that we could make a happy life together my heart is breaking because I just don’t don’t see it happening now but I can’t bring myself to leave him

  128. Ashley January 2017 at 1:06 am

    My alcoholic husband is blacked out next to me on the couch right now.
    Another Friday where he chugs liquor in his car before coming inside thinking I won’t notice that he’s wobbly on his feet and glassy eyed. When asked about it, he just says he’s tired. Like I can’t tell the difference. I don’t even know why I ask anymore. I can see it a mile away. Something I never wanted to be an expert on. My other skills include being able to quickly identify liquor hiding spots, quietly disposing of his contraband and being quiet as a cat burglar so as not to rouse the sleeping drunk in hopes of having a little quiet time.
    Tonight was a mess. He started to black out while he was eating dinner. Food spilled all over his lap and down his shirt. I tried helping him get up and get to bed so he could sleep it off and that’s when he woke up just long enough to hurl belligerent insults at me. I have had an exceptionally hard week and am stressed beyond words about a crisis my family is dealing with right now. He knows this. He consoled me while I was sobbing last night and opening up about my fears. It just devastates me that he continues to heap more pain my way when I’m already struggling.
    He hides liquor everywhere in our apartment. I figured out that he smuggles it home in his work bag and takes it into the walk-in closet attached to our master bathroom while I’m asleep so he can drink during the weekends. Last weekend I found a brand new pint of peppermint schnapps in his work bag (he blacked out last Friday night too) and tonight, I found a 14 pack of those mini bottles in his bag. Maybe he thought those would be easier to hide? I poured them out and buried it all in the trash. He either won’t remember buying them or won’t ask where they are since he shouldn’t have them in the first place.
    The drinking he does in the closet is so distressing. It’s the drinking that has resulted in him being blacked out on the bathroom floor. It’s the drinking that causes him to sleep until 3pm on a Saturday. It’s the drinking he does when he’s getting ready to go somewhere with me and is clearly drunk in public and acting like a sloppy mess.
    This has been going on for seven years now and is only getting worse. I thought rock bottom would be the DUI he got in 2014. It wasn’t. Maybe rock bottom would come in the form of waking up in tall grass at 3am next to train tracks after a day of binge drinking followed by a trip to a bar where he stayed until closing? It wasn’t. Was it when he recalled the events of threatening to kill himself because I would tell him where a bottle of whiskey was that he accused me of hiding? Nope. His behavior gets more unacceptable each weekend and no reminder of his actions makes him think that it’s time to change. At this point I’m convinced that the alcohol is either going to kill him or he’s going to end up in prison for a second DUI. I know that the addict has to want to get sober and I just don’t see him ever admitting he has a problem. You would think a DUI and the myriad fines, penalties and consequences would be enough to snap someone back into reality but it hasn’t. He obeys the rules only when they’re being imposed upon him and there are direct consequences for not following them. When no one is looking, he acts on whatever impulse he’s feeling.
    When he’s drunk, he tells me how much he hates me. Hates our life together. Tells me he’s miserable in our marriage and will go into crippling detail about the faults he sees in me. When he’s sober, he’ll surprise me cards telling me how I mean everything to him and he never knew he could love someone as much as he loves me. I wish I only received the latter. I could do without knowing that my husband thinks my fingers are “disgusting and boney” and what a “nasty, barren” woman I am because I had two miscarriages and no children since we’ve been married.
    I’ve kept so much of this to myself for so long, but I’ve decided to go to an al-anon meeting this Sunday morning. It’ll be my first in a long time and I don’t know if I’ll be up for talking, but I think it’ll help to, at the very least, be around people who know what it’s like to love a problem drinker.

  129. Lea January 2017 at 12:08 am

    My husband and I have been together for almost a decade. The man I married didn’t even own a bottle of booze when I moved in with him. Yes, he did have bouts of anger and I always thought the fights were bad then…I never imagined the fun loving beautiful guy that I grew up with and then married would turn out this way. I never dreamed that I’d be having to hide the bottle so that he didn’t down it all in a few hours. Even through all this…I still deeply love him and want to remain his wife and best friend. He becomes verbally abusive and even goes so far as to shame my performance in the bedroom. When he is sober he tells me I am amazing in the bedroom. I am confused. The person who is there for you every day and night gets treated the worst. Tonight I am sitting here alone while he’s passed out. I know he needs rehab…he doesn’t want to admit it or leave his job to go.

  130. Helen January 2017 at 5:09 pm

    I have been with my husband for 14 years. We have been married for 6 months. He has always been a heavy drinker but last year he lost his son. He turned to alcohol,for comfort and this has not stopped since. To compound this he has had endocarditis, a blood clot and ulcers so his health is not good. I come home from work not really knowing what I will find. Usually he is sitting in the lounge having done nothing all day (he is still on sick leave). I find gin bottles, beer cans and wine bottles everywhere and I have stopped looking anymore because it is too upsetting.

    Usually he will not communicate unless I force the issue – i find myself having to be overly happy or talkative and it all centres around him. He looks terrible. He will not shave and often he drinks so much he wets himself. If we go out he makes no effort to look presentable and, shallow though this may seem, it does matter to me. We have just bought a beautiful home but I am just not sure what to do. I love him very much but this is making me desperately unhappy.

    My family warned me about his drinking but, after the death of his son, the wedding was the only thing positive to focus on. It is really difficult to talk to anyone because I feel embarrassed. I know how much he is suffering from the loss of his son and also his health issues but I am beginning to wonder if I can continue to live like this.

    Is there any advice on how to deal with him?

  131. Kelly January 2017 at 12:52 pm

    I just married my husband a year in a half and now I regret it I wish I never done that because now I can’t stand him is drinking is out of control he told me if I married him there was no more but now he’s like a devil he is Mexican I live in Mexico with him but I got to leave I can’t take the drama anymore he seems mental to me he ate to scorpions he Poor’s cold water on me while I’m sleeping I’m a bitch everyday that’s my new name I never do nothing right food I give him he throws across the floors just so I will have to clean now it makes me think twice I really never needed a man everything you can do better by yourself so now devorice you just need a man as a friend to go out with not to live with they old and crazy and mess your life up I’m glad I don’t have kids from him so I’m thinking about leaving tomorrow on my own and don’t tell him because he said he would kill me if I ever leave him I want to go to orlandafl and live and try to start over I know it’s going to be tuff but ibut it’s your life you got to think about leave it behind it only gets worse they lie to get their is to short and your in danger with them never know when their going to snap at you I’m scared of drunk people I don’t want to be around then it’s sick I think all of you should do the same before yu you only get hurt more be strong I’m leeaving tommow it’s going to hurt him more but he will have time tomorrow think what he’s done I will write back on Feb 3 and let you’ll know how I’m doing I’m going to a shelter and look for a job to try to get back on my feet and get a place to live and a car kelly

  132. Leasa January 2017 at 5:59 am

    Michelle, please tell me it gets better… Something has caused him to change… I’m where you were at then and I’m hopeless feeling it’s my fault.

  133. Steve January 2017 at 1:07 am

    My story sound just like everyone here. It’s hurts me to see that there are many out there that are going through these pains. My problem is that me and my wife seem to be doing really great over the years, but alcohol has enter the relationship.

    She did have addiction before which she was able to get help from rehab, this was earlier in our relationship. (We’ve been together for 17 years) I thought all the hard time had left use. But after her mother passed away, which her mother was a recovering alcoholic and was a big help in her life, her father enter into her life. He is a piece of crap mothertrucker!!(Her father is a full blown alcoholic, and a functional one too, he holds a 3 figure income job, and has been in 3 marriages) And was never really there for my wife as a child. Well over time I guess somewhere she decided to join her father with the drinking.

    Now she like to drink on weekends, Friday once she get home from work, she drinks her Jack and Coke and I’m talking about the jumbo bottle, it last from 7:00 pm till 1:00ish am. Which leaves the other half of the bottle left for next day, Saturday it starts all over again just earlier but she could be doing chores around the house, or just heading to the stores shopping, or even drinks before we leave to a restaurant to join family or friends. And than she likes to go visit her father on Sunday all day, which she arrive home late all the time coming from her father house on Sunday nights, which I hate when she gets home because there is always something bad going to happen. Yes, I found mix drink cups in her car, and every time I mention about drinking and driving, I get yelled out or blamed for everything under the sun. And I have had all my cloths from my closet through out in the back yard,I’m sure our neighbors can hear us, and been told to get out of her house. Which I have to mention I have to be at work next day. Next thing, Monday happens and we both get home that afternoon and all is back to normal, she has nothing to say or does not want to talk about? I’m in rage because I mentally stress but being a nice guy I go along with it. (For the life of my why!!)

    Honestly, I feel confused, we have seen a marriage counselor which I was glad because I was able to say things I really felt. I’ve even cried to tell her that I hate when she drinks. And now I am starting to realize I need to get out of this relationship. Going to a marriage counselor and doing on line research myself. I’ve come to find out that I have a problem, this is going to be a life long struggle. And it’s not fare that I have to suffer for other people mistakes and choices.

    Right now as I am write this letter I’m still confused after our marriage counseling session, I am to show more affection and she is not to drink, sound like a good deal. But in the back of my mind, I do not trust her…. I’m thinking about renting out a storage room, and slowly start packing my belonging for the next time she is wasted and mad, And God I hope I’m wrong but deep down I feel the odds are stacked up high. If we have another fall out and she tells me to get out. I will be ready to go with out thinking twice “this time”. Its going to hurt me because I love her and we’ve spent a lot of good times together. It really break my heart that I thinking about all this because it hurt me so bad to see someone do this to themselves. But I honestly have to save myself or I will go mad!!! Most people say that Alcohol is not a real drug, but the truth is it’s the trickiest drug of them all. It damages families, friendships, and it kills all that is good from a person.

    God Bless Us All.

  134. Danielle January 2017 at 2:10 am

    First of all I want to say thank you, feels good reading your stories knowing I am not alone. I sympathize with every one of you and can relate on certain levels. So I guess I’ll start explaining what kind of mess I am in.

    So I met this guy while I was a sophomore in college and fell hard. Didn’t know he was an alcoholic till about a month later. I ignored it initially because I was in love. So on and off it happened. He hacked on to my facebook and publicly announced I was a webcam model and proceeded to give people links to my videos. I thought this was it and I was officially over, but I fell into the rabbit hole and forgave him.

    Now I am living with him and he is a monster. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. He makes me cry and brings down my self-esteem by judging me and my life to make himself feel better. Physically he holds me down and I try to get out of his grip, but he doesn’t release until he wants to. Recently he broke my laptop for school… Now I have to figure out how to get him to repair it.

    Overall I need to break ties with him before I get more involved. I am about to graduate with social work and make something out of my life. I plan on moving far away from him
    and his demonic soul of a person.

  135. carol January 2017 at 10:37 am

    My boyfriend of 11 months has been acting strange lately. I know he’s an alcoholic because he starts his mornings with a mamosa. When he gets off work he starts drinking shooters and beer. He smokes pot and uses other means to get high.

    Lately he has accused me of stabbing him in the back by getting my drivers license in this state. While I understand why I don’t understand is attitude toward it. The thing is I got a ticket while driving his van. He was so intoxicated that he couldn’t drive. On the way home he kept complaining how I would go thru the red lights. (yes I know it was wrong) However I got frustrated and ran on and go flashed. I took care of the ticket. Went to court and paid the fine. However it showed up on his record and he was unable to get his license. The thing is he thinks I should have walked out and not got mine. Now he’s calling me names and wants me to leave. But I have nowhere to go I moved to this state at his request and now I am his scapegoat.

    I’ve been unable to get a good paying job here and he told me to take my time and get a well paying job. Now he says I am a freeloader and a lier. He say will do things but when I get ready he still on the bed and stays there for the entire weekend. If anything is planned I have to do it.

  136. Beckie January 2017 at 4:43 am

    I have been with my alcoholic husband for almost 40 years now. At first, I thought he just wanted a party buddy, and I thought it was me. I was so wrong and didn’t realize it for many years. It was anyone who would drink with him, I was the last on the list, after op, (other people). It has ALWAYS been other people before me, or the kids. I have no friends, he has destroyed that with his mouth. He tells everyone what he thinks, why he thinks it and what and why they should fix whatever it is that pisses him off, for whatever reason. People don’t like that and when he loses friends, he blames me. I rarely talk, because I get my ass reamed if I say something he doesn’t like or agree with, but he finds something, always, to bitch at me for. He will make it up if he feels the need to do so, so he can bitch about something, anything, cuz he seems to like doing it. He likes to degrade me, bitch at me for no reason other than he likes doing it. I have no friends, I vent through my own email, from me to me, so nobody else will see it. I have fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, IBS, herniated discs, and other afflictions. He has NO empathy or feeling for me and what I go through. All he cares about is getting drunk…he is a functioning drunk, but he’s never sober when he’s home with me. For my birthday, I asked him to not drink until at least 4 pm, not his usual noon or earlier for a weekend day. He told me to pick something else, I said I don’t want anything else. How can a person not even delay drinking time for at least 4 fucking hours!!! Is that so hard to do for your wife??? I guess it was, and I said I didn’t want anything else for my birthday from him. He didn’t care. I have no respect for him, cuz he clearly has had none for me for many years. He couldn’t even give me something for my birthday that didn’t cost any money!! Money is another thing with him, he likes to spend it when we have none. He had 2 inheritances and he chose to spend it, it’s gone! I got an inheritance and he is still bugging the shit out of me to spend it as he sees fit and I won’t let him, guess how mad he is about that???!!! I have animals, they make me happy. He bitches about how much they cost to feed. I figured out how much they do cost to feed. They cost less than the beer I buy him monthly. He drinks more than the animals (all of them) cost to feed, so shut the fuck up, is what I say, but he doesn’t listen…to anything I have to say. I have no voice, I hate that, but I can’t speak, cuz he just yells over me, doesn’t let me talk, and does whatever he thinks is necessary so that I don’t get a voice or opinion, that he can hear cuz he’s talking over me. I just don’t know what to do, he has smashed me like a worm, and he just keeps doing it over and over again. I let him cuz he makes the money at this time in our lives. He has forgotten that for many years, it was me who was the primary bread winner, but he conveniently doesn’t remember things that way. That’s probably cuz he was drunk, had the monday morning blues, didn’t show up to work cuz he was too hung over. Doesn’t happen like that now, he is functioning. He goes to work sober, and after he is home, he’s not. Actually, he’s only partially sober, how can someone drink a case of beer in a matter of 5 hours, go to sleep and them wake up sober? They can’t. That’s why sometimes he feels the need to drink a few beers for medicinal purposes when he first gets out of bed???????????? There is no intimacy, unless it’s his version and I get a new one reamed cuz I don’t comply. Who wants to when you are drunk and disorderly????????? I just don’t know what to do.

  137. Lillian January 2017 at 6:29 am

    I have been married to my husband for the last 29 years. he is 55 while I am 54. We started our relationship in the early twenties. We have three children of our own and one step child. My husband was a social outgoer and did love the bottle from the time I met him. he used to take me out with his friend who all drink. The best moments was when we went out and he had a few bottles. Hw would be so kind, caring and would talk a lot to me. I thought that was just part of the fun. When we got married, he kept the fun but I reaized I could no longer continue with the evening fun. I had to be at work early and so wanted to live a more responsible life. My husband continued to visit the bar daily until now. His routine begins at 10. 00am. I can hardley remember a time when we had dinner with him at home. He developed a habit of keeping to the bedroom whenever home. He stopped contributing to family income more than 20 years ago. He is so abusive and arrogant and blames me for every thing that goeas on in the family. I always prayed and beleived that by the time our children grows into teenagers, he will have recovered from the problem. I was wrong, they are now witnessing the reproach that comes from his words and actions. He is so abuse that one time the children ganged up to fight him and warned hime off my back. I am so confused and dishearten after I see no hope of things changing for the better. He never believes he needs help, I have left on a few moments bu now, I feel I acnnot handle it especially that I am sick with a medical condition that requires my strss levels to be low.
    I need help

  138. Ollie January 2017 at 3:17 am

    My wife is a mean drunk. She usually drinks wine, 2-3 bottles a night, but sometimes drinks rum, a bottle or so. She often stays up all night, alone, drinking then lays in bed until noon. She doesn’t work and I do and often starts drinking shortly before I go to bed. When she’s drunk, or hungover — which is all the time lately — she is awful. She will call me names, disparage me, scream at me, and blame me for everything wrong in her life and the world. She’s beaten the crap out of me in the past but hasn’t done that in awhile. Lately she’s been telling me, when she’s drunk, that she hears voices in her head telling her I’m out to get her.

    She does not work and seldom leaves the house. We have a child who I bring to and from school so she’s not a stay at home mom. She usually cooks dinner (we’re on our own for breakfast and lunch), cleans up around the house, and does laundry and the housework. I appreciate that but, for three people, it doesn’t seem like a full-time job. Plus I’ll often help cook or bring home take-in. I do almost all the grocery shopping, deal with bills, deal with anything that involves people outside the family, and I work a full-time job.

    Besides drinking she likes to play phone games and seems to play them all the time. This isn’t jumping on to solve a puzzle game for 15 minutes: it’s countless hours of online gaming. I don’t know how much she games – because she’s up all night while I sleep – but wouldn’t be surprised if it’s 6-10 hours a day or even more.

    Our sex life is pretty much nonexistent. She’s always angry about something or other and, like everything else, there’s always an excuse why she never wants to have sex. Actually, there’s an excuse for everything; always somebody to blame for whatever real or imaginary (usually imaginary) problem she has. The person to blame is never her; it’s usually, but not always, me.

    She lashes out and banishes anybody I get close to so I can’t have friends; she keeps me isolated then tells me I’m a loser who has no friends. She’ll literally attack people I get close to, sending them awful emails or texts or facebook posts, sometimes using my computer and under my name. Or she’ll start writing to them and disparage me, taking my friends over. Besides attacking friends and family she once attacked a co-worker, sending them an awful email, which got me called into HR. When I asked them how I’m supposed to control my drunken wife in the middle of the night while I’m asleep the HR person, who is normally tough, started crying and suggested I see a psychologist: she said she’d never seen a spouse do this in her 30+ years.

    I’m tired of going to bed alone every night. I’m tired of being yelled at. I’m tired of working hard and never receiving any form of gratitude. I’m tired of being woken up to a person reeking of alcohol spewing hate and abuse. I’m tired of being blamed. I’m tired of being the only person working while she makes no effort at all to curb, or even watch, the spending. I’m tired of having intimacy replaced with booze and phone games. I am physically and emotionally exhausted from this shit.

    One thing I’ve learned after doing this awhile, and occasionally taping the outbursts, is to ignore the accusations and I’d encourage the other spouses of alcoholics to do the same. Err on the side of brushing them off rather than trying to internalize or ponder them. I did that for awhile but they’ll just ramp up the effort to put you down and the vast majority of the put-down’s are 99% nonsense. Maybe there’s a shred of truth to some, which is why we think about them (ex: I could do more housework even though she doesn’t work) but they’re so harsh, so mean spirited, that analyzing them just enables the abusive alcoholic. Like others here I think about leaving but I don’t know how she’d function without me. Then again, she isn’t functioning especially well with me so maybe it doesn’t matter.

  139. Bill January 2017 at 2:28 pm

    I could write for hours. Most of the comments about men. However my story involves my wife. Lets call her sue. When she drinks which is every single day. A 1.5 bottle of pino. There are times she gets fall down drunk. There are times when it does not affect her. She becomes a nasty mother fudger. Swears hit names I could go on and on. Some days she thinks she has a problem. Most she does not. Her behavior is out of control. Her daily line to me is that I judge her. I have done everything for her. Couple of days ago I took her to her sisters. ,i let off my steam on your ride there. In done v

  140. Rose January 2017 at 6:14 pm

    I’ve been married to my husband for four years now. Both my parents were alcoholics too. My mom and step dad. I had normal boyfriends before this. Somehow I chose to settle down with an alcoholic. He is so annoying when he drinks. Before I was pregnant with my son (3 1/2 years ago) I didn’t care about his drinking. After I became pregnant he always said he would stop. When I came home from the hospital he got drunk with a few friends then brought them back to our house to celebrate. When we went on a cruise a couple years ago he came in later and later every night until the day we were coming home he didn’t come in until 8am. I toommy son yo get breakfast. When I got back to our room he was gone but all five of our large bags were there. I had to find a way to get all our bags, my one year old son to the bus. Thankfully some ladies noticed and helped me.
    Like another comment on here said, the smell of stale liquor on a person repulsed me. I find bottles hidden everywhere. He makes messes around the house that I either have to clean or live with. He doesn’t ever seem to get to the point that he will pick something up, nor does it bother him if I don’t. it only bothers me. When he listens to music it’s so loud that you can’t go anywhere in the house to get away from it. I will scream at him to turn it down, or ask kindly.
    Two years ago we moved out of state for his job. We’re away from all my family and friends and I left my job when we came here. I’m stuck at the moment and I can’t stand him.
    He’s also gotten two DUIs since I’ve been with him. Doesn’t seem to learn his lesson. There have been many times I’ve found emails or texts that are imnaprorite with women . I hate him.

  141. Myee January 2017 at 4:55 pm

    Reading these posts has been reassuring in so far as I see I am not alone and not a terrible person….I have had my heart ripped about by my now ex boyfriend….going from the most beautiful love story to a nightmare….. the final nail in the coffin was last night when after a long day of drinking he turned on me, kicked me out of his unit at about midnight (because i was upset that he wanted to continue drinking) screaming at the top of his lungs, you fucking whore….i am so shocked and devastated how this man i loved could treat me so badly…jekyl and hyde….lastly i think what brought on his turning against me was my request he curb his drinking…but if a problem drinker cant see they have an issue then there is nothing anyone else can do…even the greatest love cant compete w this addiction..

  142. Sandra January 2017 at 11:35 pm

    Very helpful

  143. Laura January 2017 at 10:54 pm

    We have been together 22 years and married 18. Was I blind, young, immature, in love?

    I can relate all to well to what I read. The anger, the selfishness, the abuse verbal and physical, the absences, the family detachment, the immaturity, the breaking, the disrespect.

    I see the sorrow and the lost man victim of his disease. A broken family and the consequences to deal with the broken parts of our lives.

    Our youngest is now almost 18. I did my job as a mother, as protector, buffer. I can now divorce, with pain, immense pain, and years of healing will be needed.

    Calm, to stay calm, keep him calm.

    The papers are ready to be signed.I miss him. I have been missing him. I will miss him. This isn’t him. Self destruction is terrible to watch. I’m thankful for my in laws support, but truly don’t want it. I didn’t want this situation. I married us to grow old together, and it will not happen.

    The journey has been long. There is fatigue, mental fatigue. Around me, people don’t know. They don’t see. Or do they? You are alone. I’m there for you?! What do you mean?

    Nothing is important now. One day at the time. One day at the time.
    I’m just sad, not angry, sad.

  144. Laura January 2017 at 8:06 pm

    I met my common-law partner over 6 years ago and we moved quickly. We had so much in common. I was widowed, he was divorced.we are the same age within 6 months (old baby boomers). We had both been looking for a new partner for a few years. We met on-line. Within 6 months I sold my condo, shut down my failing business, and moved into his larger condo. It was great for a while.

    He was overweight, but swore he could lose it all in 6 months. That never happened. He drank a lot of beer in the beginning (up to 6), but just fell asleep and snored. I tried to get him to cut back, but that never happened. He was never abusive in any way. He just said, and still says, “I,m a drinker, that’s who I am”. He thinks it’s fine because he is not abusive.

    As we continued to live together I realized that his problem was a lot more complicated than mere alcoholism. He has a pretty healthy dose of OCD which is an anxiety disorder of genetic origin (there are other family members, living and dead, affected with various manifestations of OCD. Alcoholism is present in about 25% of these people because they use alcohol to alleviate anxiety and depression. Of course it only makes things worse because alcohol is a depressant.

    My partner has progressed to whiskey, spends his day in his recliner drinking from early afternoon until he can just get himself to bed before falling over. He’s sleeping 12-14 hours per night. He will not listen to logic because he is mentally ill.

    I have moved to the guest room, and the den has become my TV/Living room. I cook and leave his food in the kitchen. I am terribly sad because I feel that I cannot help him, nor will he seek outside help. He are getting old and are financially intertwined so I will likely stay, but not happily.

  145. Sharon January 2017 at 11:04 pm

    Where do I start, I’m married nearly 10 years, with my husband 18 years we have 3 girls. I knew when I married him he had a drink problem. I guess I just thought he would change but he hasn’t. It’s getting to the stage now that he is getting very angry when he is drunk, he’s even shouting and screaming at the the oldest girls (20 and 16). The baby is 5 and she is seeing all this. I’m sick of it now, when he’s sober he’s the best husband/father any child would love to have but when he’s drunk it’s shocking. I’m done now I can’t go on anymore with this life style myself and my girls need to be happy. What do I do????? I still love him but I’m wrecked from it all……..

  146. Julie January 2017 at 10:15 pm

    Your stories are all similar to mine.I Love my husband except when he drinks. I’ve been married to him for 14 years and 3 beautiful children. He is both emotionally and verbally abusive. His favorite thing is to turn the table and call me crazy, needy etc.I live with so much emptiness and frustration. I’ve only recently realized that he’s an alcoholic or should I say binge drinker.He’s a good man except to me when he drinks. I’ve had enough, i want a better life.My praying knees are worn out.

  147. Elizabeth January 2017 at 7:00 pm

    It’s so sad to read all of these comments as I so closely relate. I’ve been with my husband a little over 3 years and married for less than a year. I knew he had struggles with alcohol, but had no idea how deep they were. It wasn’t until I moved in with him after we were married that I so very clearly saw how bad it was. His drinking consumes our lives – I’ve lost all of my friends, I lost my job (due to downsizing, not his drinking) and we have no social lives… mainly because he does not like me doing anything without him & if I do, I’m constantly worried that he has hurt himself. We have had numerous hospital visits because he has busted his head open after drinking. I know I need to live my life without worrying about what happens to him – it’s his choice, but the decision on what to do is so hard. Sometimes he is very blunt he’s not ready to commit to getting better and sometimes he breaks down in tears because of how much he hates how he is and how it’s too hard to fight… the tears more than the pride. I try to ask him to go to counseling when it’s appropriate – even if it’s together and he refuses. I know I can’t force him, but I pray to God every night He will lead him in the direction he needs to go to get better. I know he wants to go back to rehab (he went once already – 6 weeks after being married), but we cannot afford it. I pray to God I can find another job or way to pay for it…..

    My bigger question/daily thought is…. with all these stories, I’ve heard no “happy endings.” I know it will be a struggle his/our whole lives, but is there anyone with actual success? Is anyone able to conquer this and have a happy life together. I pray to God so… I pray to God I am one of those success stories because my husband is an incredible man with a huge heart and I know he hates this life.

  148. tired January 2017 at 5:50 pm

    I too am married to an alcoholic wife. Everyday I come home to her drunk. When I would have a beer it was I would have 1 she would have 7. Then pass out drunk while my 9 yr old daughter watches her mother slowly kill herself. When we are with friends she gets so intoxicated will come home late sometimes with a fresh blackeye or giant bruise. I just don’t know what to do. I’m tired of her verbal abuse. Telling me what a terrible husband I am. We have talked and she says this is it never again that lasts for about 2 days. And she was miserable the whole time. She begs me to forgive and I’m usually so emotionally drained that I say forget it
    . She is selfish with her drinking g and only cares about the next drink. She does nothing with our daughter. Please help

  149. Nat January 2017 at 7:41 pm

    My partner is an alcoholic . . I don’t know how much longer I can cope with this , we’ve been together 3years.He’s nasty, vile and hurtful screaming and shouting in my face always blaming his past. Instead of dealing with it he drinks our life away and whenever I point this out I’m just a smart arse and everything then becomes my fault because I’m such a nasty evil bitch . . I find myself drinking more often just to cope with his crap when he comes home. I’m scared of him he’s looking for a fight and if he doesn’t get one in a bar he tries to pick one with me at home,I worry more about my son who isn’t his but will try to protect me

  150. Lhenybee January 2017 at 3:01 pm

    I have the same problem with you guys. I met my husband 9 years ago with a little drinking gathering with friend.. I saw the problem from the start but I also saw the kindness in him that leads to a relationship afterwards. I was a student then and he is 11 years ahead of my age. I thought the problem I saw in him will eventually vanished after we got married. He is such a quiet guy without the influence of alcohol and easy to deal with. But worst came when he had drunk alcohol.
    By this time.. we been married for almost 3 years now and still no child to raise. My problem with him gone worst than ever. I could’nt even understand his grudes anymore. He will just bust out in anger whenever he does’nt want anything I had said or do. Or even if I didn’t do anything wtong at all. I’ am a teacher and my credibility as teacher and as a woman as well is being compromised because of his behaviour. I wanted to escape with my present life but I’m still worried about him. I felt so lost and useless whenever he maltreated me with his choice of words. I FELT degraded. Many times I tried to leave him and go on with my life but I couldn’t stand the fact that there will be no one there to take care of him. It’s a difficult decision to leave somebody yiu love although you clearly knew that there will be a brighter tomorrow ahead of you without him. I tried to talk yo him and even encourage him to consult a doctor but it ended up talking to the air. Hiw can we help them beat alcoholism when they doesn’t want any help. Its just sad that somebody who has great potetial will end up living with the life that does not offer light.????????????

  151. Pauls January 2017 at 12:02 pm

    I too have a difficult time writing this. I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for almost ten years. He drinks from the moment he wakes up to the time he goes to bed. He is self-employed and for the past year has not worked very much. I have a full-time job and therefore, pay all of the bills at home. My husband has physically, verbally and emotionally abused me over the years.

    One of my major down falls is that I have an anxiety disorder, and therefore I get blamed for everything because of it. He is not prepared to see the truth about himself in any way, because he constantly believes that the reason that so many things go wrong in our life is because of my anxiety. He says that I am a sick person, and that I am the problem. He also constantly accuses me of lying. In fact, I hear this almost everyday.

    I am so tired and confused, I don’t know what to do. He maintains very inappropriate relationships with women, and when I bring these up he says that I am crazy, and always negative. I feel so lonely and frustrated as well, I try to set boundaries, but that never works. We are in a great amount of debt, and we just never have money.

    He also refuses to get any help, although he does acknowledge that he is addicted. He believes that he can heal himself through mind control, and that he really does not need professional help.

    I hope you can give me some advise, because I really, really don’t know what to do!! And I feel trapped!

  152. Lindsey January 2017 at 8:35 am

    I’ve been with my fiancé for 7 years, yesterday it snowed where we live, I’m not comfortable driving in the snow so I asked my fiancé to drive me. I had a ten hour shift and I guess after dropping me off he hit the liquor store. He’s always been an extreme binge drinker, doesn’t drink everyday but when he does he can’t stop. I called him on my lunch break (4.5 hours before I was off) to make sure he would be on time to pick me up later and he sounded extremely drunk. I guess after talking to me he got it in his head that he had to come get me immediately, he crashed his car head on into another vehicle. I had to leave work early because he was rushed to the hospital. He recieved a DWI but was not taken to jail because he was too injured, broken nose, fractured cheek, concussion, dislocated hip, and bruising everywhere. The driver of the other vehicle was okay but the passenger was injured the police would not tell me how badly. We’re supposed to be leaving for a vacation with my family tomorrow for nine days, and also to meet with our wedding planner. My heart has never felt so heavy. The only thing we ever fight about is his drinking, and I feel like this might be the last straw. He has a family history of alcoholism, and his mother is still battling it herself. I worry for our future children, I don’t want this kind of life for my family. I love him, but at some point it’s my responsibility to love me more, because no one else will. I deserve to be more important than a bottle of liquor. I’m just not sure I have the strength to leave.

  153. Unhappy January 2017 at 1:50 am

    I feel really bad, my husband said he would stop drinking but i smelled alcohol when he came home from work today. He was tripping over things and slurring and repeating things he only told me a short time before. I asked him if he had something to drink he angrily said no, but i know how he is when he drinks. For a moment he’s happy and wild, then the next either he can become angry and call me names or sad and break down like he did today. He broke down in tears. Im confused at what to do. At 10 years i dont want to give up on him. The thing that hurts is hes only been drinking about 1yr and a half. I cant stop him. I never say he has to stop i only explained it makes me sad and its up to him to stop. i am afraid of him hiding it like i felt he did today i usually tell him if hes going to drink to drink at home, i only say that so i can see how much he drinks so i can try to get him to stop sooner. Well anyways i only have hope and i love for everyone here going through this.

  154. Marie January 2017 at 4:21 pm

    My husband is an alcoholic. We have been Married for 39 years. He has drank heavily for the last 25. I stayed because of our two children but they are grown and I want to leave now. He promises to stop but doesn’t. He lies about how many he drank, he has to have his friends bring him home because he can’t drive. He doesn’t think he has a problem but he does. He doesn’t cal me names like he used to but still has anger problems when drunk his friends tell me they know he has a problem. Our girls know he is a drunk and don’t want anything to do with him. I finally can afford to leave if we sell out and I think it is the only solution I just hate to give up but I know he will never change. He blames me for everything. Says what am I going to give up if he gives up drinking. I just can’t live like this anymore.

  155. Patricia January 2017 at 3:15 am

    My sister and I have always been estranged due to her drinking. She has been medivaced, near death several times and I was with her at the hospital during two of the times. She will almost die and then for a miraculous reason she rallies and makes it through the ICU and when released she starts drinking again.

    I started having a relationship with her after she almost died. But now when she calls me she is drinking. I have conversations with her knowing this. Before her near death experiences I avoided her.

    Now I am just plain uncomfortable talking with a bottle (her, while she is drinking) but I can’t seem to just stay away from her like I did before.

    If she doesn’t stop the doctors say she will die. She knows this but she blames her health issues, (which are based on alcohol abuse) on hereditary claims.

    I just really don’t know to handle myself anymore when she calls.

  156. Leslie January 2017 at 1:38 am

    I’m sitting here on the couch again, crying because he is drunk and was horribly mean to me tonight. I saw it coming on tonight, when the monster comes out. I kept hoping he’d pass out but he didn’t. He was only physical with me once, In which he grabbed me during a heated fight. I left for a week. He knows I will not play that game and it has never gotten physical since, but I know he has in past relationships. Tonight, He started in on the same conversation… my dog. He hates my dog. Wants me to move in but the dog “needs discipline”. I avoid these discussions when he is drunk but tonight he wouldn’t stop. He called me a “fat bitch” and when I politely reminded him that he wears a 3xl and I wear a med to large that maybe he should rethink his name calling. We are engaged. When “jeff” (his drunk who) comes out, I want to run. But when he’s himself, I never want to leave. Is it possible to loveand hate the same man? I’m about to give up everything of “my own” to move in. And it scares the shit out of me to have nothing if I want to leave. Tomorrow, he will find me on the couch as he leaves for work wondering if we fought or if I just couldn’t sleep. I may get a text saying he’s sorry and I may not, depending on the pieces he remembers. I could go home to my bed and my house but that would just be me running and soon I can’t do that.

  157. Diana January 2017 at 9:57 pm

    I have been with my husband since 2011 I always knew he loves to drink .However he blacks out a lot and sleep walks.He pisses on himself and in corner or the floor. He doesn’t remember anything that happens the next day.He has hit me in my face and burst my lip and strangled me while he said he will kill me.I love him but I have a daughter that is not his.I don’t want her to see him like this.I stay up when He is drunk to make sure he goes to bathroom and that he has clothes on .When he is drunk he blacks out.I really want to walk away and never look back!

  158. Heather January 2017 at 7:28 am

    Due to my husband’s career and the poor choices made with alcohol, I live very socially isolated. My husband’s drinking is not something he is willing to admit or face. He drinks every night and becomes loud and offensive. His biggest complaint is often the financial burden of our family. We live very frugally- aside from his drinking and his on again/off again hobbies. Our marriage has been damaged in irreparable ways and if he even remembers the things he says and does to me, he simply says that it was just too much alcohol “that” time (but won’t cut back or stop). Our family is going through some especially painful and life-changing things and we need to come together to heal but the alcoholism is in the way of that growth. Our children see that daddy’s thing is beer. Even our one year old associates alcohol with daddy. He refuses to acknowledge his problem. He has asked me to help him when I confront him in one of his sober moments, but gets aggressive and defensive when I ask him not to drink or open a conversation about his hidden alcohol in the garage or his drinking alone. I grew up in a home that where drugs and alcohol were valued over family. I had really worked hard at getting away from that desolate and toxic environment. Now my children are facing the same ‘normalcy’. I have put myself through so much hell trying to help my husband find what he is searching for in that bottle. In the end I am only further exhausted, alone, and devastated. He needs help and doesn’t want it. I cannot do it for him.

  159. Amy Bohr December 2016 at 10:49 am

    My husband and I have been married for 9 years. Together for 12 years. We have 3 children that are 10, 8 and 4. I’ve been dealing with his drinking from the very beginning. I kept telling myself it would get better. After 11 years of the emotional, verbal and physical abuse I think I just snapped. I started talking to another man, which led to having a affair. I knew it was wrong. I just wanted to feel like I was worth something. My husband found out about it and we tried to work it out for over a year. In that year he said he would stop drinking and he didn’t. He would belittle me Infront of family and friends about the affair. He was verbally, and physically abusive. He had choked me and threatened to kill me. He bit my face. He also would drag our 10 year daughter into everything. I think to try and make her hate me. Then he had a affair himself when he was drunk and taking pills that the women had gave him. He says he want to go to marriage counseling, but I don’t think it will help if he can’t stop the drinking.

  160. Ruth December 2016 at 9:37 pm

    I met my husband online. We got married a year later. This month on the 28th it was our 18th yr anniversary. The first year before I married him he drank a lot but bc my first husband was an alcoholic, womanizer, used drugs and a wife beater I didn’t think my husband an alcoholic.

    As the years went by I started noticing things. When he drank he was mentally abusive and very jealous. I felt that eventually once he knew me btr he would let go of his jealousy and lack of confidence and trust towards me. When he took me to the mall I wld have to walk with my head down bc at many other occasions he accused me of looking at “men” including looking at the private part of a male picture located inside the store. So, to avoid an argument I walked with my head down. His jealousy especially when drinking was so bad that I couldn’t speak to my children without my husband getting angry. So, I wld mute my phone so he wldn’t hear it ring and or ignore the call. He had horrible road rage so many times I had my heart on the palm of my hand. As the years went by I learned to not allow him to dictate my time with my children although I still limited my conversations with them.

    I left my husband a few times but always returned feeling sorry for him and afraid of what he cld do to himself as his drinking was 24/7. To make matters worse his mother lived with us and she was an enabler of the worst kind. Anything he wanted she wld give him.

    Six years into our marriage I decided I couldn’t take anymore. I turned in my resignation of 9 yrs working and began the process of packing my belongings. He was already drinking and began begging me to give him another chance. I told him I had made up my mind. He got the keys to his truck and left the house. At 1:20 am I got a call from the police department that he was encarcerated bc while drinking and driving he hit a walker causing his death. This was the most horrible thing that cld happen and more so to a human being. My husband thought he had hit a deer so he was also devastated. A year later he was convicted and sentenced to 13 yrs in prison of which 4 he served. I felt so guilty of what happened blaming myself bc I was the one who told him I was leaving causing him to leave the house drunk and the death of a human being. I decided that I cldn’t leave him and remained at my house taking care of his mother who by now had mental issues. Thank God the job I had for 9 yrs took me back.

    After he came out of prison he was not the same. He went back to drinking soon after, depression and hating himself. He has not stopped drinking and now it’s worse. There’s times he won’t go to work bc he is so drunk from the night before. I don’t know how much longer I can live This lifestyle. I’m starting to get depressed and stressed wondering if I’m going to die far from my children and family. His jealousy has diminished but his drinking has gotten worse. I was too afraid to start all over then and now I’m 60 and afraid of having no place to go. Afraid to leave him and be the blame of his demise. Right now all I can do is pray for God to give me strength.

  161. Gail December 2016 at 9:22 pm

    Me and my husband has been together for 4 years. Married for a year and a half. Realized he had a problem after around the 2nd year. He’s went to treatment and still goes to his daily meetings. Told him to get sober for himself and his children. We have my daughter and a daughter we both lost when she was 4 months old. Basically, he verbally abusive and very very disrespectful. I try to do nice things for him to spark up our love to which is doesn’t work. I don’t know why he constantly blames me for his drinking. Encouragement, love, a family, money, etc. he has but he still isngt happy with anything. There is intimacy when I initiate. He sleeps on the couch, goes in the bathroom for hours. Again, he waits to start something with me over nothing. How can I get him to understand to put that crazy wall down and realize that we are here for him. It’s becoming harder and harder. Couldn’t even cry for our daughter because he wanted to complain about our grieving counseling session. My heart hurts a lot. I’m stressed and all of the above.

  162. KDW in Iowa December 2016 at 8:40 pm

    It gives me some comfort to know I’m not the only one dealing with this My husband is 10 years older than I am and that didn’t matter to me. I loved him very much when we first met, more than any other man I ever loved. He has done everything possible to wring any love I have for him right out of me.

    We married and his drinking became an issue and I was drinking too, just to kind of keep the connection with him. I woke up one day and saw what I was doing to my kids and stopped. Then He jacked up his drinking; driving drunk all the time (yet only got caught once) and he is such a nasty, cruel and almost demonic man when he is drunk and feeling mean. My eldest son left because he couldn’t stand it anymore (among other issues) and my youngest son seems to get most of his venom – but I catch almost all of it. He lies about his drinking constantly and has absolutely no interest in getting sober. He will die of this disease as he has been drinking alcoholically since his college years (he is 60 now). I hate to say this but it would be a relief if he did die. He has emotionally damaged me, my sons, his sons…..he thinks his drinking is a big secret but it’s not. He is a full blown drunk; his family knows it and his friends know it. But he comes across as such a nice, unassuming, quiet shy man to the world. It’s only those he “loves” that we get the joy of seeing him for what he really is.

    I’m the reason he drinks, I’m a cruddy parent, my son is the reason why he drinks….all BS. His ex-wife died of an overdose not to long ago and he painted her as an horrible woman, but I understand her a bit better now. He is a soul sucker and a weak willed loser. After she died in her van; I asked him how he must be feeling about it – he looked me dead in the eye and said “I could care less.” and he meant it – this is a woman who had three of his children. I think, honestly, that he is just a very sick man and he may have killed her (metaphorically) he will not do the same to me.

    I’ve gone to my pastors for help, friends for help….but they can’t help – it’s up to him and he will NOT stop. I have been let down by churches so badly that I don’t even want to go to one anymore.

    Anyway, I’m leaving him – I have to, it’s a matter of survival…my son has a little dog that he LOVES and cannot be without – this makes apartment renting difficult, so far I can’t seem to find one that I can afford. But I’m leaving; no matter how hard it will be on me; I’ll eat PB&J’s and have some peace in my life again. I’m 50 now so I’m not interested in finding another man ever again…frankly, I don’t trust myself.

  163. Loser December 2016 at 12:27 am

    I read all these and thank goodness I am not alone. I feel like a POS every time he drinks and cannot forget what is said about me what I am accused of, I feel like I am the issue when he is the problem. I think leaving is my only option, not raising my son with this behavior. I think I drink too much but it’s escalated now with him…. done.

  164. Bibi December 2016 at 10:17 am

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 22 months. I actually fell in love with him 28 years ago, moved on with my life, got married, had children, went through a terrible divorce because I found him again. The one true love. I feel so ridiculous, I didn’t know that in 20 years he had a serious problem with alcohol. Actually compulsive behavior, in general. I saw this man I fell in love with so long ago as the same person and had “big-time” blinders on. We only spent a little time together in the beginning of our relationship so I didn’t see him during his binges and blackouts. However; he would send me text messages about our future and they were all so promising. He made me feel safe, secure and completely loved and adored. Fast forward 22 months and he’s not that same person. He’s angry, emotional, controlling, sneaky and confrontational. He drinks because he needs to, every single day. I destroyed my family because of his lies and deceit. My children love him and have no idea what he’s like. But I can’t do it anymore. He can’t perform sexually so I am not satisfied, he gets angry if I’m honest about my feelings and doesn’t consider them and he manipulates every conversation into making me feel like I’ve done something wrong. My issue is, I want to leave him but I’m afraid of failing, once again, he does help me financially and right now I need that and I’m so lonely. I know I need a lot of therapy now, I am a wreck. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior, to him, I’m the emotional one, the nag, the relationship destroyer. I see now why he never married or moved on with his life, he’s a complete alcoholic that won’t get help. I can’t even say that he is better sober because lately, his sober is so few and far between, I can’t tell the difference. This is not the life I want to live.

  165. Ashleigh December 2016 at 3:57 pm

    I don’t even know where to start. I don’t think my husband is an alcoholic. I know he has some issues he needs to deal with but I really just don’t think that drinking is the problem. After everything he has done to sabotage our relationship I was willing to forgive and support him through mental health treatment. Now that he has labeled himself as an alcoholic rather than taking responsibility (saying I did it because I was drinking) for his actions I don’t find him attractive anymore. My father has a drinking problem so I’ve been through this before. Maybe it just impacts everyone differently, but I can deal with the mental health stuff. Is it wrong that I don’t want to be with someone who is labeled as an alcoholic? Sorry I’m just trying to get all my thoughts together.

  166. Robyn December 2016 at 9:26 pm

    My husband and I have been together for 30 years, married for 26. He has always been a drinker and I’ve always tolerated it. However, I am at my waterline. He is drinking every night, 6-8 beers. He’s never been abusive, physically or otherwise, but recently he’s gotten very obnoxious, saying completely inappropriate things in front of our teenage daughter, just generally being mean. For him, I know it’s a coping mechanism. The problem is that after all of these years I’m over it. I no longer know how to deal with him, because he doesn’t see the problem. I’m miserable!

  167. Laurie December 2016 at 1:28 am

    I’ve been living with my guy now for 6 years. I’m 55, he’s 59. We’ve been through a lot in these years. He’s a good, honest, loving and hard working man. In this last year he started having a shot of liquor before bed, saying it helps him fall asleep. He’s sore and can’t get comfortable. Gradually he’s pushed it up to 2-3-4-5 glasses a night before bed.

    He rarely drank until this last year. I confronted him on it a couple of months ago. He seemed to slow down and now is back where it was,1-2-3, etc. I hear the cupboard door opening where the bottle is and my panic starts.

    I don’t know how to deal with it. As I said, we’ve dealt with a lot. I just had a radical hysterectomy due to uterine cancer–no treatment, they got it all in surgery. With that, a son of his who is always in trouble, very volatile, and my guys drinking. I’m becoming very depressed.

    I’ve been here before, but I don’t know how to deal with all of this. Thank you for the shoulder.

  168. Jeanne December 2016 at 11:32 am

    I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years, the first 3 were wonderful, he was such a kind man. I knew he liked to drink, he was a funny, loving drunk, unlike my last boyfriend, so I thought I made a wise choice.

    Now he drinks everyday, he gets off work at 3:30 and gets home at 6:30, he stops at a private club everyday, and comes home trashed, some times he can walk, sometimes he can’t and I wait till the next day to tell him not to do that again, it works for a little while.

    He comes home so mad at me, I’ve never done anything to him, I’ve learned to stay quiet, when he comes home because he wants to fight, I see fire in his eyes, he pushes me a lot, I don’t know if this will get worse, so I just go into myself and stay there until I go to bed.

    I can’t leave him, I have nothing, I work 2 days a week and I don’t have a car anymore, he smashed it.

    He breaks things, he does things just to make me mad. I don’t know why he wants me to be mad.

    I think I still love him. We haven’t slept in the same bed for 3 years. Sex doesn’t happen anymore. He can’t, I guess that’s the alcohol too. He doesn’t brush his teeth anymore, so I can’t stand to kiss him.

    I am so afraid he’s going to break my spirit, I pray a lot. I just want to know how to deal with it.

  169. Louise December 2016 at 5:23 pm

    My husband of 20 month is an alcoholic without realising! His face is always red and blotchy… he doesn’t eat just gets in from work and drinks excessive amounts… we went for a meal tonite with his son for him to be angry at me and embarrass me in the restaurant he didn’t eat anything just me and his son and made me out in his words to be a pig! I’m so upset by the way he behaves that I’m contemplating leaving him tonite he told me that he has recently been coughing up blood and vomiting after eating with blood in the vomit he has also told me many days this week and last week of a bad tummy ache. When I looked this up its the symptoms of a stomach ulcer but he won’t accept anything is wrong with him and carries on drinking! I’m so scared for him that I don’t know what else to do! He won’t seek medical advice but just carry on drinking I don’t know if he drinks when he is working as a self employed tradesman but the excessive drinking has to stop. He is vulgar towards me with drink n calls me every name under the sun! He slates my family saying their perfect and that my sister can’t do anything wrong. I look at my sisters marriage and it’s perfect I look at other people’s relationship and think why haven’t I got that? My hubby is an alcoholic and I feel if we did split up I’m going to let people down even though it’s him with the problem. His family don’t do anything to help him and I’m so upset and hurt!

  170. Paramjit December 2016 at 3:39 pm

    Hi I m 52 years old married for 25 years to an alcoholic. Cannot stand anymore his alcoholic behaviour as effecting my health. Got big responsibility if three grown up children and two elderly parents in the house. Want to end this peaceful and sensibly .please help .

  171. Shelly December 2016 at 12:28 pm

    I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now… when we 1st started dating he drank on a little bit when we would go to dinner. He is drinking heavier now and has admitted to me he is a alcoholic. When he drinks he is very verbally abusive to me and hurts my feelings so bad. He has told me things like I am fat, that he doesn’t want me anymore, and that he has nothing to say to my children. He cusses at me uncontrollably and tells me I’m a princess who never does anything wrong and I think I am perfect. He gets mad with me for no reason at all
    sometimes.. he cannot see that he is a diff person when he is drinking. I love him very much.
    He keeps telling me he will stop drinking and he will go for days with no drinking but it always happenes again and again.. It’s like we are on a roller coaster. I want to help him but I am finding through research that he has to help hisself. I do not know what to do. I don’t want to
    loose him but its just getting worse and worse

  172. alamom December 2016 at 10:11 pm

    My husband I were both partying a lot when we met. I didn’t think anything about his drinking. We were just having fun. But we made a baby, got married, and 10 years later we have a family, 2 full time jobs between us, and no time for each other. About ten months ago he said he was starting AA. I didn’t even know he was still drinking to excess. Over the past year, I’ve come to believe that our entire relationship is a sham. He’s always been more committed to his drinking than he has been to me. All those times I made a request for something and he told me we didn’t have the money, because he was spending it on booze and peep shows. he just lied. I’m at a loss. I knew he liked to drink, but what I didn’t know was that I was being lied to for years. I feel so hurt by the violation of my trust and good faith. I feel so naïve. Now that he’s sober I feel a pressure to let the past go, but the reality of the past is just hitting me. He’s been lying all this time. I made decisions that were built on putting my faith in someone who is a lying, manipulative person. We have two children. Our kids are well bonded to him and he is dedicated to them. I don’t want to hurt my family. I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t know what to do. I just take it day by day.

  173. Jenna December 2016 at 7:53 pm

    My husband is an alcoholic and amphetamine abuser. He is prescribed to adderall but doesn’t need it. When he mixes it with alcohol he is an absolute monster. He is so fun and brings me so much happiness but then he turns and it’s like a wild animal I can’t control. When he throws a fit and it’s just us I can cope but when we are with family and friends I want to just disappear. I’m highly sensitive and empathetic so I feel the pity and concern of people who encounter us. The next morning he gets to say “I don’t remember” or “im really sorry, I shouldn’t have did that.” He knows I just want peace and to live a happy, healthy life. He knows I won’t leave because I’m petrified to hurt him or anyone else involved. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 9 months. We are only 30 and all I think is I can’t bring children into this mess and My life will never move forward if he he keeps drinking. I don’t know what to do.

  174. Tracy December 2016 at 3:17 pm

    In the middle of getting a divorce from my husband. We have been together for 19yrs, have an 18yr old, 13yrs, and 12yr old. This past year has been rough – no regard for me, the marriage, or the family. He has been “sneaking drinking. He will hide in his shop till 10+pm “working”, or have overnight jobs (he works construction – BS), he goes out with his 20+yr old employees (he’s in his mid 40’s), then claims he’s going to AA meetings (which means going to the casino or strip club). He will not come home for 1-7+days at least a couple times a month.

    I have been alone in this marriage for years. My husband’s routine is come home, eat, lay in bed. He has no real interaction with me or the kids. Our running joke was, “here comes Mr. Angry”. He would come home and the stress level in the house would rise. My husband has been sneaking drinking for most of our marriage. I am the crazy one for questioning if he has been drinking, smelling his breath. Well, confirmation from friends when I have talked recently to them – hell yea, he’s drinking when he goes out of town to fish. He drinks drinks with his employees (those beers are supposed to be for his employees in that shop fridge – they are not his?!?!)

    Our kids are active in sports, we have played for years in the same clubs. People have thought I was a single mom because he never comes around. Of course, when somebody comments in the stands, who is that man? He was offended. Boy I heard how nobody knows him at the club, and its my fault. Well, I am sorry, I was the one taking these kids to practices and and games for 10yrs – where have you been? Oh let me guess, WORKING!

    Working is his excuse. Working is the excuse his recovering alcoholic brother used, working is what his mother did, while those two boys ran loose in their teens. But that’s okay because you are “working”. He owns his own business, he did that when we got married and I provided the benefits. When I would complain about the expense to his mother about his fishing habit (which the family was NEVER a part of), her response was “Well at least he isn’t drinking”. She is so dumb. I replied, “$80k can pay for a lot of therapy.” But thinking back, that is how is brother would work her over to buy/subsidize his stuff (computer, tv, race car, horses), he would say, “I can do this instead of drink”. She would then foot the bill.

    He has solitary habits. He fishes, owns an $80k fishing boat, but the family never goes on it. He can clear 8wks and year, and pay $6k+ in entry fees to fish, but boy did I hear about how much our family cruise cost this past spring. Mind you on a 7 day cruise, he only spent time with the me and the kids at dinner, on the excursions, and playing 3 games of bingo. Oh, did I mention that he had disappeared for 8 days right before that cruise? He showed up the morning we left.

    Now we are separated, and getting a divorce. He calls me to lament how expensive groceries are, how expensive household stuff is. Wow – Yeah, I know – I have bought those items for the last 19yrs. Oh, he only cries over money. How much he will have to pay in child support, how much he is going to lose on the house when we sell it. He said I put so much into that house, now I won’t have anything to show for it. I replied, “Yeah, I know what it is like to invest so much into something and not have anything to show for it.” Needless to say, that went over his head.

    His mother is back to enabling. His brother died in spring, and that become another excuse to drink. The brother lived in the upper unit of the mom’s duplex with his wife and kid. She enabled that brother, daughter in law and grandson. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, chaufering. Now she has her baby boy back and is enabling him. I find out that my husband’s brother’s widow is now texting creepy stuff -to my husband, hitting on him. Good God – to be out of that dysfunctional family.

    He loves the kids. He has a 50% commitment level to his 1/wk visits with two of the kids. When he cancels at the last minute, they aren’t even phased. To quote the 13yr old, “Mom, its not like he’s been around for the last several years.” “What is normal Dad even like?” They have only know their father to be a removed figure in their lives. Somebody who shows up at night and lays in bed an watches TV.

    So, years later you are reviewing your life. How many DUI’s during our marriage? Looking back, he was drinking more than he was sober. Yeah, we did have stints of sobriety, but you could tell when that ended; he was too busy working to go to meetings, he felt his M,W,F meetings were cliquey, he would start not talking to hot about friends in the program. Then he claimed to be going to different AA Meetings. He now has a recovering drug addict working for him (this guy’s Dad is the neighborhood alcoholic my husband is friends with). This employee is 20yrs younger than my husband and drinks (great move for an addict).

    So, here I am – in love with an alcoholic who is incapable of loving me/doesn’t love me. Yeah, he says he loves me, but is “not in love with me”. I supposed our marriage got in the way of his drinking. Well it is what it is. As painful as it is….

  175. Lucy December 2016 at 12:19 am

    Wow these stories seem like mine so sad 🙁
    I am gonna pray for everyone on here. May our lord help and guide us on the right path for love and happiness in Jesus name

  176. Pam December 2016 at 2:38 pm

    My husband is an alcoholic. This is my second marriage, my first after 21 years decided to “fall in love” with another woman. I met my new husband shortly after my divorce. Finally found true love (never had it all my life that includes the love of my father who was also a drunk). Maybe because I grew up with it I have little to no tolerance for it with my husband. My kids are young adults but I still try to hide his drinking, though they are well aware of it. My husband has admitted he has a problem, has told me he wants to quit, has told me he wants help. We tried a 6 day outpatient detox, all that did was he stopped buying beer for a little bit, but kept up with his Jim Bean and Loco’s (which by the way have a large alcohol content. I’ve changed my life to “live” around him being drunk, meaning I stay home in the evenings (see he is a functional alcoholic) as he goes to work each day and works hard. In the evening 7 days a week ( the weekends he starts by 11:00 drinking) he is drinking everyday. I prayed on this before I got married I was engaged for 2 years before I decided to walk down the aisle. I love him very much, deep down inside he is a good man. My anxiety and depression is a way of life now. He can be verbally mean though this happens when I “discuss” his drinking or when its one of those nights that I’m just tired of him coming to bed drunk. I even asked him if he needs to be drunk to be with me. My son 21 has anger issues he has put a lot of stress on my marriage as well, but no excuse for the hubby to get drunk daily. I’ve had his parents come over to help deal with him. I’ve “threatened” to have him go back and live with mom and dad. As I’ve read in other posts when we have a “good” fight he might let up for a bit but never for long. The detox didn’t work and I’m physically and mentally tired. We are now in counseling to try and help him. So far we have agreed that he is not “ready” to stop drinking thus detox and possibly this counseling may not work. I can’t afford for him to go into a rehab (like the stars do) and have him possibly lose his job. I’m thinking of going to Al-Anon now, but angry that I would have to because he has the drinking problem. I’m now close to the “I don’t care anymore” and that’s not good for either of us. He’s told me to stick by him he can’t do this without me, but I’m sure we’ve all heard that before. I’ve posted in “prayer” groups asking for prayer, I go to Church and pray, yet nothing changes. My biggest fear is having to end this marriage, won’t lie don’t want to go through another divorce, yes I know that is no reason to stay. I stay or have him “stay” the home is mine, because I truly love him and I know he loves me. I read articles on the internet where most say there is no hope for a relationship to last if there is a drunk in it. That little voice in my head is worried about what others will think, if they knew what my life was really like, they’d probably say “Why do you stay”? I ask him daily if he drank (especially on weekends if I have gone out to do an errand), or I’ll check in with him on his day off if I’m at work. I can tell by his text messages if he has been drinking or not (I know you probably think it is ridiculous) but I can tell. I’m constantly asking him to be “good” when I do leave for something. If I got out with my daughter my stress level is so high because I know when I get home he’ll be drunk or on his way to being drunk. He lost his license many years ago (before me) so when we met I had to drive him everywhere. I was committed to him thinking I could “change” that part of him. I helped him finally get his license back, see he is a auto mechanic and that is his “livelihood” as he will tell you. But I know he’s gotten behind that wheel after drinking. He’s mad because I won’t put our home in his name I’m the only one on it. I was honest with him and told him I didn’t want to lose everything if he screws up and does damage or worse yet hurt someone because of his drinking. I’m just so tired I don’t know what is the right thing to do, other than try and continue to help him. But I guess I have to wait until he is “really ready”. Thank you for listening.

  177. Nikki December 2016 at 8:31 pm

    I have been with my husband for 9 years. We met a teenagers and he has always had addiction issues. From the time we met, he was a pot smoker but eventually quit that at 17 years old. Ever since then, I have seen him sort of replace it with alcohol. He had issues controlling his drinking for about 8 years now. His family life growing up was very sad ; his parents, both alcoholics really neglected him for the most part. They let him be alone for extended amounts of time and I think that has really damaged him. He is such a great person and even when drinking, isn’t mean to me at all. I just see him withering away and the man I fell in love with is mostly absent now. Once in a while, he pops up, and I am so happy to see it. However, it’s like he takes one step forward then two steps back. He has a great career and people who love him. But I think hs depression is overcoming him and causing him to drink. He keeps saying he wants to change and quit. But that never last. I see it slowly destroying him and I want so badly to help him I’ve tried everything but he refused to seek professional help. If this continues, I’m not sure how long we can last in this marriage. I love him dearly, but I cannot sit back and watch this anymore.

  178. Claire December 2016 at 5:22 pm

    My partner of 7 years has always been a drinker. When we first met (15 years ago) he was a happy, outgoing, fun loving person – with or without alcohol.
    Now he’s a horrible person to be around when he’s had a drink. I resent him and it kills something in our relationship every time he starts an argument just because he’s had a drink.
    When he’s sober I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else in the world.

    He managed 5 months sober earlier this year but sadly relapsed and now seems worse than he was before. It breaks my heart to see him so lost and scared.

    I’m not sure how we can live the rest of our lives like this though.

  179. Larissa December 2016 at 2:11 pm

    I can relate to Sean’s story.
    My mother is a ‘mean drunk’.

    Does anyone here any advices for me to cope with her behavior once it’s too late and already on a agressive state? Any tips to deal with the screaming, breaking things, bullying, endless repetitive arguments and many other -hard to remain calm- reactions?

    I dont have anywhere to go when she gets like this, so I cant back off that easily.

    I hope someone here can lean a hand by giving me strategies to control the situation a bit better. She wont EVER admit/realize that she is an alchoholic, so I have no other option now than to go through this every night. Would be easier if I could just understand how a drunk mind works.


  180. Annette December 2016 at 8:17 am

    My husband is an alcoholic. I even hate saying that. I love him with my soul. We have been together 21 years and married for 14. We have a 13 year old daughter. My story is a lot like the others.
    About 8 years ago he was drinking heavy. I mean a half pint from our house to the sitters to get out daughter. The sitter lived 5 mins from our house. He really liked the hard stuff then. I will never forget one Christmas eve he was drunk and mad and took off in our jeep. He ended up driving our car off of the end of the runway at the municipal airport and sank it in the mud. We find this out after he walked 5 or more miles in the snow an below freezing temps to get home. Needless to say he was given a ultimatum. Me and your daughter or the alcohol. HE CHOSE US for four years. No drinking! Then it’s our anniversary and we go to dinner and I made a mistake by asking him if he would like one small margarita with me. I’m not a drinker at all. Any way that was the end of his sobriety. He says it wasn’t but he has blamed me for it and I take the blame. I thought he could socially drink. WRONG. he tries to hide it But our 13 year old now is calling him out on it. He lies and said he had only had 2 beers when we know it’s way more. My daughter and I just don’t say anything anymore. Our daughter got sick and we found out at 13 years old she has an ulcer. I really thought after he heard that things would change. As usual. Wishful thinking. I’m more worried about our little girl than myself even tho I have a life threatning heart problem. And ulcers and I’m 40. Now he is trying to change. Because I gave him the ultimatum again. He won’t get help he says he can do it on his own. He drinks to make the pain and thoughts of a bad childhood go away. That is what he tells me. I love him with my soul and I will never leave him. As bad as I want to sometimes. His family could care less but my family is behind him one million percent. I need help to help him and our daughter.

  181. Sick December 2016 at 11:02 pm

    I have been with my Husband since I was 16 have 2 children together .Only been married for a few months.He’s has been drinking on and off for 8 years .Promises to quit & succeeds for 6-9 months each year until Summer time he starts it up slowly from a few beers ,to 6 – 12-24 each night .He has many DUIs and assault charges. He picks fights with any Male ,neighbours, friends,family or strangers .He blames his drinking on stress from work .His Mother has mental health issues ,Father is a alcoholic as most of his Family are.He has always been a great provider for the Family .We have separated many times ,and each time he gets help ,& gets sober we get back together from encouragement from his Family .I have worked and studied ,I have to give up my commitments because of his decisions to start drinking again.
    I’m sick of the cycle of lies

  182. Vanessa December 2016 at 9:08 am

    I just got married in August and my husband is a alcoholic. He doesn’t drink everyday but when he does he goes all out. His friends drink, his family drinks except his one sister who is a recovering alcoholic. What’s so frustrating is his family knows and tells me he needs to get help but they have a problem too. We go over to his parents house to only have liquor and beer during the visits. I’m 8 weeks pregnant, my husband lost his job due to his attendance issue because he would stay up all night drinking pass out and wouldn’t wake up in time to get to work. I am stressed all the time. I can’t trust him to go to plaid without buying beer, I work evenings and have a 8 year old Daughter from a previous relationship. I’ve come home from work to find him drinking liquor with friends when my daughters asleep even when I told him I don’t like him drinking when I am at work and my kids is there at the house. He doesn’t see a problem with it. He’s already been warned by his doctor he is at risk for psoriasis of the liver. He is only 28. He chain smokes when he drinks too so that’s not helping. My fairytale of a life I thought I was getting is turning into a nightmare.

  183. Confused December 2016 at 1:33 pm

    I’ve been with him for almost 12years. I realized he had alcohol problem before we got married about 8years ago. He does all crazy different things when he got drunk but things got really extreme these few years. He used to pick a fight with me when he got drunk and put all blames on me. That I’m fierce, not good enough and etc.. I used to be able to shut him off when I threatened to leave him. But these two years got into the opposite way. He started a fight with me whenever he got drunk and told me that I should leave him and stuffs. Of coz he put all blames on me as usual. I used to think that I’m the reason why he had been unhappy then I totally changed. Yet, he’s not only the ane but got worst. He picked a fight with me when drunk, theatened me to divorce and left the house to a club. Dissappeared for many hours. Refused to pick up my calls no matter how hard or how many times I tried to call. The problem is he got drunk once in every two days lately! I’ve told myself that I had enough! He was mean like a devil a total stranger when drunk, said everything possibly jus to hurt me and being apologetic like a kitty the next time when sobered up. I always fell into his apologetic moment. He never kept his promises not even one to me. I always caught him red handed when he lied. whenever he sneaked or hid to drink. He usually say to me that drunk moment ‘that’s the way how I am, u should leave me coz I’m bad!’ Trust me, I’ve embraced myself many times to pack and leave yet still got softened up with his apologetic kitty face later. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for allowing him to treat me like that. He made me feel inhumane coz I’m not allowed to get upset/angry even if I caught him red handed for lying or anything. It’s always my fault for whatever reason it is that he’s drinking. I hate myself for being so bad as he called me the worst person on earth everytime he’s drunk. When should I leave him? Can anyone tell me when it’s time to leave him?

  184. Matt December 2016 at 1:02 pm

    My wife and I have been together for about 7 1/2 years now and have two young children ages 4 and 6. We both come from families where drinking a lot is generally accepted and normal. I grew up with an alcoholic father and for the longest time refused to drink. Over time I let my guard down and found drink I enjoyed and having a few beverages together at night became a normal thing. We had probably more than what is probably recommended, but it wasn’t to an extreme that caused problems.

    There’s a much longer story that I started to write up, but the jist of it is that she got fired. She was under a microscope that was unfair and became a target. The only gratification is that after she was fired, a massive amount of people left that place and those that came in to replace those that left, also immediately left.

    Anyways, this was the trigger that pushed the already probably too much drinking to a real problem.

    Over the past month or so it has been picking up. She’d go or with a friend or her sister which whatever, that’s fine. But she began to break promises and not reply to texts or calls. She’d say she’d be home soon early in the night, only to not hear from her several hours later. When she did come home she was extremely drunk and would berate me, or it would be well past bar close and I was either sleeping or trying to sleep as I had to get up early to take our oldest to school.

    This was hard enough, but the worst was yet to come. She started to purposely say or do things to hurt me. She tells me to trust her but repeatedly does things to chip away at that trust. Several times she just hasn’t come home and says she slept in the truck or blacked out at some random place. She sees no problem with it, but I find it very wrong on several levels. She says, when she’s sober, it hurts her too as she does these things, but they keep happening.

    Yesterday we had a good talk, I thought, about her getting back on track and she went to a meeting on her own accord, so she said. Well, last night she said she was just going to get out and clear her head and stay occupied, so I trust her and say fine. She never came home. I haven’t seen her yet today because she didn’t come home until I was out taking our child to school and she’s in bed yet.

    I could probably go on. I used to enjoy having a beverage with her. But living through this destruction has led me to quite altogether. Last Saturday night was the last night I had even a drop. I can only hope to be a positive influence as I don’t know what else to do anymore. When she’s gone I can’t sleep because I worry so much. I’m trying really hard to be healthier and exercise and the like, but my insides feel like they’re being repeatedly stabbed. I fear anytime she walks out the door she’s going to get a drink somewhere and keep on until she passes out, which is why I was hesitant to say fine to her going out last night.

  185. Mary November 2016 at 1:19 am

    I have been with my partner for ten years. He has stopped drinking at times, the longest time being 3 months about four years ago. Over the last five years his drinking has been the most damaging financially and emotionally on both of us. We have moved constantly. Like most of the people with alcoholism he is the most sweetest, generous, loving person to be with when sober. He has lost employment, friends and close family due to the alcohol abuse. He has hocked every important item of value he owns for alcohol and I have tried everything to support him as he tries to stop his drinking. Last year he showed me what he wrote about how he struggles emotionally with trying to achieve his dreams but falling for alcohol instead and all the things he once loved and enjoyed doing, have become distant memories.
    It was heartbreaking reading his inner daily struggle. He recently went to the gp for medication to help with the alcohol cravings and antabuse to help stop drinking. He nearly overdosed on diazepam with lots and lots of beer and hasn’t yet had the antabuse. He is also becoming addicted to valium.
    The latest add on addiction now includes porn and I feel the final self destruct could happen very soon. All his family and friends have left because of the ongoing abuse and anger toward them because of his drinking. Its coming up to Christmas and this is always the worst time with him because he misses his family and friends. But he becomes depressed and angry and the anger and abuse is directed toward the only person by his side. I am trying to look after myself as best I can but am very tired and lonely. I know I have to make some tough decisions very soon.
    It is heartbreaking to read about other people’s experiences with their partners. I sometimes feel the topic so hard to talk about to anyone. This is the first time I have spoken openly about my partner but I fèel at this stage it is very important for me to do so.

  186. Melissa November 2016 at 9:05 pm

    I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years. I met him and I felt like my heart was pulled to him instantly. We would sit up at random hours and talk on AIM and he had a daughter with his ex girlfriend. I am a little over a year older than he is, and although I had a lot of people telling me to be careful I loved him and his daughter, so I took that leap and it has been filled with so many highs and lows my brain and heart are never able to catch up. About a year into our relationship I saw how much his drinking damaged our relationship and the way I felt about him. He would rage and scream at me about being unfaithful which was so silly to me at the time seeing as how I never talked to any males and was always home. He got physical a few times and like an idiot I would attempt to leave and only found myself staying with him and letting his sober side apologize. We both had a really hard life with plenty of abuse and addict parents, but I kept myself as far away as I could from being anything like my mother. I’m happy to say I am succeeding when it comes to that. Fast forward to having a child of our own. We nearly died due to complications and he had to be delivered a month early which was so scary. I had so many reasons to just leave after seeing his behavior and how he would choose drinking with his old band instead of going with me to find out the sex of our son. Instead I stayed and on occasion I’d stand up for myself just to have him knock me down with harsh words and really mean/bullie like behavior. Like many others I see posting, I am in love with a side of him… the sober side. That loving and sincere man I’ve tried to keep strong for. At some point he just kept putting others before our son and I. His daughter lived with her mom who refused court ordered visitation and moved without letting him know where. Blocked phone numbers and it’s still an on going battle which I’m sure is a big reason for how his drinking is now, but then again I’m done trying to make excuses for him.

    Skip to several years ago, christmas morning. He was on a 3 day streak at that point. My birthday is December 23rd and on that day he refused to buy me a gift after telling me we were going to get one after picking up his friends to come party. I bought my own alcohol just to have a couple drinks and relax on my own. That is what he drank from that night until Christmas morning. A big bottle of my favorite rum that I had planned on having for a long while… that morning he was a sloppy mess of a drunk. Came to say sorry to me because my cousin was trying to help him see what he was doing to my heart and mind. I wasn’t happy to see him so wasted and that’s when he starts calling me names and being so horrible to me. Even spit in my face twice. I lost it and became physical with him and kicked him out. He slept in my cousins house and when he woke up and was more sober he was devastated by what he had done to me. Crying, sobbing, sorry, anger at himself, the works… I broke up with him for about a year after that. Maybe longer actually. Things at my house wasn’t working out (roommate started using my rent to pay off fines and stuff of that nature.) So I swallowed my pride and let my mom come bring my son and I home to her place. My sister and sons dad lived there at the time so we all just got along and then he was sober. We got along and I fell in love all over again.

    As I’m typing this I feel so stupid and can’t stop the tears from falling. Let’s fast forward yet again to when I had lost my patience again and had my dad kick him out after a hefty fight and many warnings from my dad about no alcohol in the house, but it always found its way into his heart and stomach. He moved with a friend and got a good job. Stopped drinking and seemed really serious about staying sober. Said it was for him and seeing how it damaged me made it even easier to stop because he loved me so much and hated what he had done. We did great at Co parenting and then it was like the world made sense again. Our son was happy and healthy, we were both so happy together and said we were going to start over. No lies, no drinking, no toxic stuff. He proposed and we had our wedding date set for October 29th of this year and a couple months before our big day he started drinking again… which turned into hiding it once I found about 15 empty vodka bottles hidden in my car under the seat… he lies to me so much… he promises over and over…

    I couldn’t handle it so I postponed the wedding. I don’t see how I could take that step even after all this time, knowing he is hiding alcohol… if he’s hiding that what else could he be hiding when worried it might hurt me? I’ve always had self esteem issues. I get told I’m pretty and stuff, but my issues are much greater… which makes me so much more upset when I often find myself telling myself “you deserve better. You really are worth so much more.” The addiction is so selfish and I’m so lost and alone in this… actually I’m not alone because my son is here with me dealing with the nonsense. I hope to find the strength to walk away if he can’t find the strength to let alcohol go.

  187. Julie November 2016 at 10:14 pm

    My boyfriend and I have known eachother for 7 years. Most of the time it has been long distance. We have been the on and off couple breaking up and getting back together. I can’t believe I am in this rutt. He confided in me that he had a drinking problem when I first met him and that he was in his first year of being sober. Everything seemed so magical when I met him. We laugh together, sex is great, we have intelligent conversations, but then he would fall off the wagon and not call me for days or when he would call or text it would be weird and annoyingly sexual (not in a good way, but in a creepy way- like he is a different person). He says he is going to AA one week and then next week, he doesn’t want to go or he says that he actually doesn’t have a drinking problem all of a sudden.. I always know when he has been drinking because of the lilt in his voice. I can never trust him. The reason we are still together is because…. well, I really don’t know why sometimes. It’s like this whole back and forth of making me laugh and feel really good OR making me cry and get very upset by drinking or cutting me down saying things that tear me down instead of build me up. He is narcissistic and I really want to break up with him… I want him out of my life and then we he realizes that I am really sick of him, he starts to straighten up and trying to prove himself to me like cleaning my house and following me around like a little puppy. He entices me with the charm and comfy feelings. I hate that I get some sort of satisfaction out of this. I hate that I am codependent and addicted to this feeling of feeling needed. My grandmothers and my my mother are the same way. How do I break the cycle?

  188. Annie November 2016 at 3:24 am

    I have been with my hubby for 23 years. In the past two year I started to feel real unloved by him. I started thinking what am I doing wrong or he just not attracted to me. When I realized he was drinking a six pack day I began to believe he isn’t capable of showing me love and effection. Don’t know if this is a livable arrangement He also did some very unforgivable hateful thing. Help any ideas

  189. LJ November 2016 at 5:14 pm

    I guess I’m just not sure if I should do this or not. I love my husband and I want to help him but every time he starts to make headway, his family saves him. He moved out 6 months ago because he said I was in his way and didn’t make him happy anymore and that I complained about him drinking too much and wouldn’t go anywhere with him. His mom gets him out of every bad situation he’s ever been in. They are very close. I can’t compete. He is a totally different person when we are together and I know he loves me. I am older than he is. We’ve been together for 26 years. He is not a child. He lost his dad and brother to alcohol. Last living sibling is also an alcoholic although no one will admit to it. I lost my father to alcoholism also. His mother uses her money to influence him. She pays his salary and for many other things we could not afford. I love him deeply and I want to help him. Lord knows I’ve tried. Do I keep trying to get him to come home or do I let him go. He tells me to hang in there but we have very little contact since he left. Just another thing I’m sure his mother tells him daily. I hate my life without him.

  190. Heather November 2016 at 1:59 pm

    My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 15 years. We have two wonderful kids together. I used to think that I was the luckiest person to have such an amazing marriage. We were best friends, soul mates. We shared the same interests in life and always had great respect and trust with one another. He came from two parents who were functioning alcoholics. I never thought it could happen to him as he always seemed in control at parties or when drinking at home. He never went to the bars. Five years ago, I could see small things happening to him, especially after a long weekend of drinking or a holiday. He began to take frequent days off of work because he did not feel well. Shortly after that, he began working on a high stress job and later I found out he began drinking after work everyday. I was clueless as I work around 60 hours a week. He lost his job two years ago. He began drinking heavily. I would come home with him passed out. I began to feel like I did not have a partner anymore. It was up to me to keep the house going, work, clean, and to provide for our kids. He was in the house physically but never here emotionally. I had to learn to hide my feelings as small conversations would spin into huge fights. He was a master at making me feel like it was my fault. He would belittle me, put me down. It never got physical but very close when I would find numerous bottles of vodka hidden around the house. At this time I sent him to a rehab program. I had hopes that this would be a new starting point for us. He came home after three weeks and relapsed. He went back to rehab. He never stopped after rehab. Soon after his first rehab experience, he came home and had a seizure from trying to detox on his own. Back to the hospital and another rehab program. His doctor explained to him that if he continued, he would die. This did not stop him for too long. He relapsed again after three weeks of being out of a rehab program. All together, in two years, he has gone to 6 rehab centers. In September, I had enough. I could not take the constant fights and roller coaster. I asked for him to move out as I felt I was drowning. He moved out in September and we agreed this was so that he could pull his life together and we could again be happy. His moving out only escalated the problem. I’m more at peace because there is not constant fighting, however, he continues to go on binges…hides out in his apartment, continues to drink. I’m always worried, scared, wondering if he is sober. I track him with my phone….I often feel I’m insane. Why do I keep taking him back? Why do I allow him to do this to me? I have gone to a lawyer to file for a divorce but keep putting it on I always have hope that he will change and that I can have my old life back. I know I need to realize that in our marriage he has changed and I need to move forward. I believe divorce is hard enough, but when divorcing a person who is an alcoholic and that you still love, it seems sometimes impossible. I pray every day that I have the courage to move forward. In either situation, it seems bleak. I cannot live with an alcoholic that won’t stop, but I will also live out the rest of my life without the person who I believed was my sole mate.

  191. Jackie November 2016 at 7:04 am

    I’ve been with my husband for 10 years – married for 4.

    He is an extremely high functioning alcoholic. On the outside, he looks perfect; he’s handsome, drives a nice car, is charming, etc. A few years back his drinking amped up to every day. He starts in the morning (vodka) and just keeps going. I can’t take it anymore. He’s been to a few AA meetings, we’ve tried counseling (maybe 4 sessions) and it always just goes back to the same old thing.

    Most recently, he got on a binge and started accusing me of sleeping with his BIL!!!! I don’t even LIKE that side of their family and I don’t run around and cheat. I am a home body. He ranted on me ALL night long, convinced that I had done that and then he thankfully passed out…but only to wake me back up at 6:30 am with the same stuff. I had to physically remove him from the house because he was driving me so crazy.

    Thanksgiving is coming up and he’s into it with his parents, so he used that as an excuse yesterday to get wasted. I knew something was up when he went all day long without calling me. (he usually calls me about every hour because we work together) He was mean; he went off on my daughter after she told him about her presentation in school that she was proud of, and then we got into it. He baits me to the point that I just want to slap the crap out of him and then he plays the victim. Last night he was getting in my face and thumping me on the forehead – a trigger for me, b/c that’s what my ex-husband used to do and he knows it.

    Like the rest of you, when he’s not drinking, everything is great! He’s sensitive and caring and he dotes on me. Last night he was calling me white trash and everything else under the sun.

    My $$$ situation will drastically change if I leave him, but I just don’t think I can do this anymore.

  192. Neli November 2016 at 11:47 pm

    My husband is…possibly a functioning alcoholic. He hasn’t always been. Before we got married, I discovered his addiction to pornography. He pleaded with me and promised he would change. Several more times it came up again, and finally when I feel like he has kicked it, he started with alcohol. He drinks the hard stuff. A few times now he has promised to stop. He does for a week or two, then starts up again. He is not mean or abusive or anything, in fact is a very happy, sappy drunk.

    Today though, a huge red flag came up when he was already getting to the point of drunk by 6 pm, while caring for our children!!! Then he wanted to take them in the car with him to pick up pizza. I insisted they stay home. This is dangerous!!

    He is depressed (and on meds), won’t shower or brush his teeth (gross), won’t do chores, won’t exercise, is morbidly obese, won’t do things with our children, yells at them when sober, sex is getting less and less because he drinks every night, and honestly my attraction to him has severely decreased, and to be honest, I don’t even want to be with him anymore. But we’re Christians and made a promise to God and each other. But still I keep wondering if I can/should leave with the kids. We’ve been in counseling, and things were better for a little while, but then just get worse again. I am just SO TIRED and want to be happy again!!!!! 🙁

  193. Cheryl November 2016 at 12:52 pm

    I have been with my fiance for going into six years. We got engaged last year. Two years ago I fully supported him on gaining full custody of his then 7 year old daughter as her mother is a drug addict. I believe it was around that time that he felt the battle was over and he could now carry on as he was.

    From day one I knew he was a drinker. I as well drink however not daily. He drinks the moment he is off of work and drives home. (Always has an 8 pack in his car) He then continues to drink more almost daily until he is staggering. For the last 2 years I have looked after his daughter and made sure she has breakfast, lunch, supper and all other aspects of raising a child. My children have all grown and left the house. I was hoping that after his daughter moved in permanently that he would change and be more focused on “family” than on alcohol. I was wrong.

    He comes home every day and goes straight to the neighbours to drink until 7 or 8 pm. I was working evenings and would come home and his daughter would be alone and waiting on supper. She has grown very attached to me and I love her very much and do my best to make things “normal” for her but she even makes comments now about her Dad not being home or about his drinking. He goes to her school functions and parent/teacher interviews smelling of alcohol. Her friends don’t come to our house and I feel it’s because he has a reputation that he will be drinking.

    We were planning on getting married next summer and now I am having second thoughts. I love him very much but am not willing to be a single parent. Every now and then I get angry and tell him that. I feel like I am just a convenient babysitter now because if I were to go surely Child welfare would put his daughter in a foster home. That alone guilt’s me into staying with him. He used to be very affectionate but now I feel like his mother because I always have to check to see if they are okay etc. He is at a point where he is sneaking beer over to the neighbours so that I don’t know.

    I don’t want to live like this but don’t know how to change it without his daughter ending up in foster care. I have completely changed my lifestyle for 2 dysfunctional parents. His family appreciates that I look after them, and I am sure his mother prays everyday that I will stay but when it starts affecting my well being, how do I deal with responsibilities that aren’t mine.

    I am searching for a local group in my area where I can release my concerns confidentially. I am feeling lost, lonely and used. The longer I stay the more hopeless I feel because I don’t know what to do.

  194. Mel November 2016 at 9:41 am

    Help. Three years I have been dealing with this same problem. He use to drink daily but has cut back a bit. Although I don’t even know if that is true because he hides his beer. He has told me that he has done that often. On the weeks he works to midnight he goes to the bar with his buddies. I dont know if it’s every night because I am in bed. He admits that he goes because I am not up anyway so what does it matter. I have printed stuff. Bought books. Everything I can think of to help him. Once he starts drinking he won’t stop. Then he is mean. Yells. Throws things. Verbally abusive. He has never hurt me but I am beginning to think it is just a matter of time before that happens. He is on his second dui. He spent time in jail and I thought that would be his bottom. I stood by him. Drove him to court and jail on weekends. Helped him find a new job and continue to drive him wherever he needs to go. But the beer store. I won’t take him to get alcohol and that makes him angry.
    I am so angry at myself. I keep thinking what would I tell my daughter if she was facing a relationship like this? I would tell her to run!! But something keeps me here.

    Last night I told him that this was it. He had two weeks to move out. Of course he won’t remember in the morning any of the stuff that happened.

    He will be nice and we will keep going and then it will happen again. Why can’t I get off this roller coaster ride?

  195. Maya November 2016 at 4:15 am

    My husband is alcoholic. We’ve been together for almost 5 years. He tried to off of drinking so many times but he always back to it again(for no reason) after a month or couple months off of it, and evrytime he backs on drinking, he just gets worse than before. He said he has a depression problem so he drinks, but from what I see he gets even more depressed when he is drinking. I always give him support and try to help him out of his alcohol problem but he reject everything. He is in denial, he has liver problem, he got sick and collapse so many times because of his drinking and I had to rushed him to the hospital. I really want to have a baby with him and start our little family but not in this situation, also I don’t think my husband could be a very responsible and a good father to our kids. Besides our sex life is so awfull. I’ll be lucky if we can have sex once a month. Recently he tried to put his hand on me and hurt me physically when he is drunk. He always start drinking in the morning till he gets really drunk and then fall asleep and back on drinking again and repeat. He is been off of work for almost 2 years now, he got fired few times because of the alcohol problem. I am to embarassed to tell my parents or anyone else. So I am on my own in this problem. I am so depressed because of this, I don’t know what to do. I love him but seems like he never cares about my feeling. It hurts me. I’m to afraid to make any decision, I really don’t know what to do. I started to thinking that this is probably my fault and I blame on myself or maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. Sometimes when he is sober he told me that he loves me and he said sorry, but he kept doing the same mistake back on drinking(when he was off it for a month or so) for no reason, just because he wants to and none can stop him, that makes me feel I don’t feel loved by him. Just so sad.

  196. Arizona November 2016 at 8:35 am

    I met my husband when I was 14 years old and he was 19. Its 25 years later and were still together. However he has a problem which he does not think is a problem. He is a Friday and Saturday alcoholic which to him does not seem like a problem. He works away from home and comes home on weekends and leaves again the Sunday. When he gets home on a Friday he starts drinking, usually a whole bottle of Klipdrift Brandy, he then becomes very aggressive and swears at me saying I don’t love him anymore and I treat him like crap. He will then pass out only to find another reason for him start over on Saturday. I try and calm him down but it proves a difficult task when I’m sober and he is drunk. I myself will enjoy a glass of wine now and again but I am not a big drinker and prefer to be sober. I find myself not wanting him home anymore and would prefer he stay where he works just so I don’t have to deal with the drinking. I tried to talk to him about it and he said you married me when I was drinking why do you want to change me now. I am sure he is right, but when we got married I was young and stupid and though he was cool. Now I am older (40) and wiser and not too bad looking I think, and I want to be alone. I’m longing for peace and quite. Sex is out of the questions cause he passes out before we can be intimate. Intimacy is something I feel very strongly about. I have not had an affair yet but find my self fantasizing about other people. I know its wrong but what do I do with a husband who only comes home to empty his laundry bag.

  197. Julia November 2016 at 5:59 am

    I have been with my boyfriend for about a half a year now, and I noticed that he drank fairly heavily almost right away. I didn’t know what to expect, though, because I was raised in a very sheltered household where nobody drank, and our lives are different. His mom (RIP) had a drinking problem, and she passed away of lung cancer as she was also a heavy smoker (as is my boyfriend). He is also 6 years my senior. I brought up my concern with him, and he got defensive. He suffers from bipolar II and anxiety, and I am sure this is the cause for drinking. He is getting help in counselling once a week, and they recently came up with a plan; drinks 2 nights a week, no liquor. He has not been able to follow through with this plan as yet, he had a couple sober nights, which I was so proud of, but he has not been sober for the last couple of nights, and I am trying not to feel a monumental disappointment in his and wonder what my life will be like should this continue. I don’t know how much I want to endure. I love him so much, but I can’t help but feel like this isn’t what I signed on for. I am not sure how supportive to be and how hard on him I should be. How do I support him while not standing by his side and coddling him while he throws his life away?

  198. William November 2016 at 11:20 am

    I have no idea where to start. My fiance’ is not an alcoholic but is an alcohol abuser. She goes out a couple of nights a week with her friends and drinks to the point that she has no idea what is going on around her. These friends seem to enable her and this has caused me to resent them. These are our mutual friends so it is very hard for me. She also has a strong fondness for pot. She will seek it out from anyone. She was looking for pot last weekend and found someone that had some that was a total stranger. She got into his car to smoke it and he locked the doors and drove off with her. No one could find her. The group of friends that she was with could not find her and just went home. It was four in the morning and she still wasnt home. I called some people to see where she was and they then told me she disappeared and didnt know where she was. I was in a complete panic. I was so angry at these “friends” for not calling me when they could not find her and just leaving her behind. She eventually made her way home but was in danger and the guy just shoved her out of the car into our drive way and sped away. He must have lost the nerve to do whatever he was thinking of doing to her. It scared her badly but I know it wont change her behavior. She begged him to take her home. Thank God he did. This isnt the first time she has gone missing after being at the bar. I now resent them and all she wants to do is be with them and I feel like I dont matter anymore because they let her destroy herself and I try so hard to help her and protect her from herself but I cannot. She is verbally abusive when she is drinking and says horrible things to demean me. The next day she always claims to not remember any of that abuse. Now this situation is brewing inside me and we have been fighting about damn near everything. She told me that it isnt working anymore and wants to leave me. I find this almost surreal. You do stuff that is wrong and when I get angry, hurt, or upset about it it is my fault and you make me feel guilty for feeling that way. I could type for days and days but I dont know what to do. I love her with all my heart and have suffered so much to stay with her. I dont know what to do. I often feel like this is my fault.

  199. peggy November 2016 at 9:26 am

    my husband is coming home form recover Dec 5 and im scard as to what to do

  200. Vee November 2016 at 7:05 pm

    It’s always the same, every weekend. He begins to drink,tries to control it and then something snaps. He becomes verbally abusive and argumentive. He holds conversations with himself and denies disturbing the whole household. I know he is sick. I know he needs help. What I don’t know is why or what makes him drink. Monday it’s like nothing happened. Throughout the week I gain hope that maybe this weekend will be normal. But soon it starts all over again. I want to leave because I know I can’t help. So I am trying to help myself. Any suggestions?

  201. Linda November 2016 at 7:42 am

    I’ve been married to my husband 35 years he is a functioning alcoholic, he’s a very sweet man no violence, but so sad for me to watch him destroy himself, he’s almost died twice from drinking, He knows he has a problem but want except any help, we have 2 grown chrildren & 3 grand kids. I’ve chosen to stay in my marriage but at times I second guess myself, I can’t fix him even tho I tryed for years, I’ve heard ever alcoholic has a bottom, makes me wonder what is my husband’s bottom. Only by the Grace of God we both are still here, God’s been my strength I continue to pray for my husband. He’s my hope through this journey.

  202. Fay October 2016 at 10:12 pm

    Hearing these stories gives me life . Just under 2 months ago my husband of 7 yrs 12 years together got into another argument . This time was different I had always had an issue with his drinking always told him id support him through it , this time he left and turned into someone i didn’t know . He gave up but I had realized he had given up along time ago . He’s been drinking for years but it became a clear issue 5 years ago . It only got worse from there yet and still we remaind a family in love Bestfriends and he promised to stop time after time again . He left and I realized I didn’t know the man I was with anymore he’d come by for a few nights and go back to his mothers home . He told me he didn’t know if he wanted this anymore I then realized there was another woman involved at first he denied it but I found out everything he promised to stop and work it out we did good for the next few weeks till
    I realized he was still talking to the other woman . He wanted me to stay while he figured it out but I had to make the descison to leave unless he’s willing to get help but he doesn’t see that there is an issue to him he’s doing all this because he wants to not because the addiction is taking over . He’s mean to me punched me in my face and refuses to help financially with the children . I have a great support system so I’m
    Gonna use it . Thanks for listening

  203. Sonia October 2016 at 1:16 pm

    I shall start my story with same as most, I’m married to an alcoholic. He was an alcoholic before I met him but had been into a detox centre and was 6 months sober. I feel in love with him pretty quickly, we had the same interests in everything, same sense of humour and he quickly became my best friend. Once I moved in with him things started to go downhill, he was drinking again but it had gone from sharing a bottle of wine (something I was so reluctant to do) to him drinking 3 bottles by himself. So this went on he missed work and eventually they said not to go back. Even with all this I still married him, why you ask, because I’m sure like everyone else in here when my husband is sober he is loving, affectionate, funny and I love being around him.
    I have tried everything, throwing it away, tsking away his bank cards and all money from the house, locking him in the house, screaming, crying, begging even hitting him. It seems to be an alcoholic trait that they get nasty, aggressive, blame everyone else when drinking, he has smashed up the house and threw his wedding ring into the road for it to be lost. I mean he gets evil, it’s like he is possessed by this demon that calls me the most horrible names and says the cruelest things. There have been times when I actually thought he would drive me to insanity!
    Well things got really bad at the end of last year, the police were called and he went to court. I left him for a period but we got back together and the past 6 months have been great, it’s like he had an epiphany about life and his behaviour. Well something tipped him over the edge and I can always tell when he is leading up to a binge and it happened on Friday. What I didn’t mention is that he has very low self esteem and confidence, he had a very traumatic experience as a child and was never give the opportunity to get help at the time and was told not to ask questions so he doesn’t know how to cope with life and when things get a bit tough he drinks his problems away(well so he thinks) all it does is make it worse. HOWEVER this is no excuse for his behaviour, and I know this, oh he is also obsessed with my past and who or who he thinks I’ve slept with, it’s insane. So I go back to Friday, we spoke at lunchtime about booking a weekend away, within 20 minutes he had found a picture on FB (this was some way down in my friends millions of pictures) of me with my friend in a work night out sat next to a guy and that was it, hell broke out. Now this picture was taken in 2007 and was just a night out picture but as far as he is now concerned I slept with him and I lied because I never told him about it, i didn’t and it’s just a picture!! Yes it sounds completely insane that’s because it is.
    Now I know this binge has been coming and this seems to be something he has found, fixated in and been his excuse to get smashed all weekend.
    So there it is in a nutshell, I don’t know what’s going to happen and I have read so many of these and this time I needed to share my story with others that know EXACTLY what I go through.
    I love my husband but I DESPISE the demon that lives in him, I’m scared it will ruin us and kill him. As we all do, I pray for a magic cure that will rid him of this demon and give me back the love of my life

  204. Broken October 2016 at 5:35 am

    I love my husband but not his drinking problem. This last year has been horrible. the lies increased and then started to catch up with him or should i say me. He has always set it up for me to take the fall for him and i let it happen. From him stealing from the fishing club he talked me into being on the committee for to faking the receipt for the rego on my car (to which i coped a huge fine).

    I called him out on it all about 6 months ago and he promised to he was going to rehab (lie) instead one day he called n called n called me while i was at work damanding money and when i kept saying no he turned up and i felt i had no choice but to give in. He took not only my money but my car and took off. I had to report him missing he was gone and made no contact with anyone for 5 days. he left me to tell his family his kids ( he has two beautiful boys, i have one. No kids together). He turned back up covered in bruising and his tail between his legs. He blamed me telling me his kids hated me and wanted him to live on his own so he left to stay at a friends house (a fellow drinking buddy) one street away. He always has a way of making me feel like its my foult.

    He got caucht steeling grog about three time and he did end up going to rehab (self admitted) the day he was ment to be in court I have stuck by him all this time. We have been togetter for 10yrs. He is such a carring loveing person when he is sober but i hate who he is when he drinks.

    He lasted just shy of three months in rehab before he left. He didnt tell me straight away that he had left. i discovered it when i rang the centre and was told by the staff. It’s been 2 months since he came home and he has only just told me the truth about why he left. He has been drinking the hole time he has been home. He was telling me he was going to aa meetings but i knew he was drinking.

    I asked him to go back to rehab. That i had decided that he had to chose. Thats when he pretend that all was ok and stole my bank card with out me knowing said he was going to aa meeting but instead went drinking. all i got was a txt. I haven’t let him back in the house since. MInd u we talk everyday. He keeps saying he want us to work that he is going back to rehab. he has even given me a date on when he will be going. Yesterday he lied again saying he was going out west with a mate to get car parts. i got really angry and couldn’t explain why. He rang me and told me this while i was at work. when i got home and had time to think o worked it out that he had gone to the town over (15min drive) to work in the pub with hia mate.

    Today i called him out. Its the first time throught it all that i have got really angry. He had promised me and the kids he would never work in a pub again. Even the kids told him themselves they are angry and don’t want to talk to him cause he always breaks his promises. He is still saying he is going back to rehab but needs to work untill he goes that he would kill himself if u cant give the kids good chrismas presents cause they missed out last year due to his problems and he will be going into rehab i week before christmas.

    He says all the right things but then he does the opposite. Im so confused. How is it that i still love this man and want him in my life? Yes he is not living in our home at the moment but i wish he was. Will he ever get on top of this and be the husband and father we need. im tired of trying to keep ir together all the time. I hate that i have no control on if my marriage will get through this even though its all i want. I can seen he is struggling and that hurts was there more i could do? I had to step back and make him deal with his actions. only time will tell if he will follow through with what he is saying. limbo land is not a fun place to be.

  205. Rebecca October 2016 at 4:20 pm

    Looking at all of your comments helps me because I know that I’m not the only one going through this. My boyfriend is 25 years older than me, which is not an issue for me. But he drinks. He’s had a problem since I met him, but I never realised how bad things would become.

    I look at how bad things are sometimes and wonder if he’s just using me for a safe spot or whether his love for me is genuine. I’m just not sure anymore.

    He has an awful attitude when he drinks, I’ve lost count of the amount of hours I’ve sat by myself and cried because of the drunken things he’s said to me… You’re a c**t… I hate you… My life was great til I met you… You don’t measure up to other women I’ve had… I can’t wait til the sun implodes so I can watch you burn… You’re a f****g bitch… The list goes on. I take these things because I’ve always loved him (the sober him) and I know the person underneath. But that person is fading further and further away. My mind is totally scrambled over the whole thing. When I confront him all he wants to do is move forward. He never fights for me, he’ll say he’s sorry but accuse me of guilt tripping him if I’m moody or don’t want to talk. I feel like I am losing my identity.

    He has ruined social occasions, made a scene countless times, told me he’s leaving and then the next day he’ll apologise and want me to forget. But I can’t. It’s getting even harder to forgive now and I know this will come crashing in very soon.

    He suffers with issues from his past but punishes me for them. It’s like everything is my fault. I guess I can take comfort in the fact that some people somewhere understand what I’m going through

  206. Patricia October 2016 at 3:06 am

    Today marks the 12th year of my roller coaster marriage. My husband has got a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing going on when he drinks. He can be great to have fun with but at the same time his mean side comes out and he doesn’t care who gets caught in his path. We used to have friends and family come over to visit but now, he’s run them off with his foul temper. Today he went off on me about taking his last beer, which of course is impossible because I don’t drink beer and I was chatting with my sister in our bedroom. He scared my niece and nephew so bad that my sister left. I’m afraid I won’t see her for a long time.
    The name calling and threats are becoming way too much for me. He’s admitted that he loves to drink and that he doesn’t have plans to ever stop.
    I’m tired of being blamed for his downfall. I’m tired of trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped even though he says he needs me.
    Im tired of his need to destroy things when he’s in a rage. I could go on and on, share more similar stories of the downside to alcoholism.
    My love for him is also destroying me and he doesn’t care as long as he’s got his beer and cigarettes.

  207. Ann October 2016 at 3:00 pm

    My husband and I have been married for almost 10 yrs. He is in the military and all I ever hear is how great of an NCO he is. Little does everyone know that he is an alcoholic and emotionally abuses me. Everything I do is wrong, everything is always my fault. I can’t do anything right, I feel like I am always walking on egg shells. I try to be a good wife, I’ve been faithful, I work my butt off so he can have extra (and just recently came to the realization I was working to support his drinking habit). The worst part of it, is that we have children. I hold strong in my faith that if I keep praying for him, he will’s been 5 yrs and he isn’t any closer to wanting to quit. He has admitted to me that he has a problem. We sought marriage counseling in which he resented me for. We stopped going because he said he would slow down. It did for a little bit. At first it was, I would like to have a drink because I had a bad day..but then everyday seemed bad. Then it was, I would like to drink to celebrate because I had a great day. Then it was back to drinking every day. Then it was ok I (husband would say) will stop drinking whisky and just drink beer. He has every excuse. He accuses me of changing and wanting to change him into something he’s not. He almost drowned during a canoe trip with some of his buddies, you guessed it drinking and canoeing and not wearing a life vest. I thought for sure he would change his ways after that…it didn’t. When he has his “forced” days of short lived days of sobriety he’s mean and resentful, argues with me over money even though I don’t spend anything on myself just the kids and him, but it is never enough. I don’t even want to have sex with him anymore, then he guilt’s me into having sex and treats me like garage afterwards. The worst part is…he’s deployed currently and still blames me for everything that is wrong in his life..he’s a zillion miles away and I am to blame. I try to be optimistic for him, he has stated he hates my optimism. Though I know he’s sober over there, he has all the characteristics of a “dry drunk”. I am amazed at his double life. And of course I keep quite because I don’t want to ruin his career.

  208. Thoughts of despair October 2016 at 2:04 pm

    Lately I’ve been feeling so down on myself for choosing to be with an alcoholic. Since the time we met my significant other drank, here we are 13 years later and although we’ve had many bad times and some really awful times with the drinking we’ve accomplished so many great things. Sometimes I question myself, is this right? Is this normal? I try to keep our kids away from seeing when he drinks so much but I can only do so much. I hate when he’s on a drinking binge and there’s cans and bottles everywhere. I leave them so he can pick them up himself but he doesn’t and so my kids don’t see it I end up picking up. I love this man when he’s sober and he is an amazing man and dad when not drinking. I only pray to God that he finds the strength to overcome his drinking addiction. I too worry about him when he goes off to work and I can hear in his voice that he’s been drinking. This is something that we argue about all the time when he drinks. Why is it that he thinks he can drive after drinking so much? Once he is sober and we talk about it and of course comes the remorse for drinking so much and the guilt. He can go for sometime without drinking but then he gets the urge to drink and thinks he can control how much he has maybe once or twice but then the binge drinking starts again. And it’s any alcohol he went from beer to wine to vodka to champagne… Doesn’t matter what he drinks he always over does it and can get to the point of blacking out.. Life goes on with my kids and I but it’s like I’m living 2 lives. It’s so hard my family knows he drinks but they don’t know about any of the troubles he’s gotten us into because of his drinking. I’ve veen trying my hardest to focus on myself so that I can be strong for myself and be there for my kids. I pray to God to help guide me down the correct path.

  209. Jessica October 2016 at 5:46 am

    I have been married for 9 years now to an alcoholic. Over this time I have called the police twice, and left him over three times. Like the other stories above, when he is sober he is a beautiful person, the person I love. However, I have two little girls that I need to consider. So, one month ago I left him. He eventually moved out of the house, but wants to come back. Today he asked me is there any future for us? I struggled to be honest as it is a battle between the heart and head, but in the end I just thought of the girls. I thought about when they are older what would it be like for them to come home to their father drunk, or for their friends and families to see their drunk father. So after thinking about them, I have pushed my feelings aside and made the decision not to continue in this marriage. I want to be friends and be the best parents we can be for the girls.

  210. Caroline October 2016 at 8:35 pm

    I have been married to my husband for 22 years. I still love him he has been drinking for a long time, he has gotten worse since his mom’s death. And after he found a job he finally slowed down, than he was starting to forgetting stuff like where he put his lawnmower at work. Than the doctor had ran test and he told my husband that he couldn’t work anymore. That really made him drink more the doctor told him that he alcohol dementia and some memory loss, and he looses his balance alot. Than we found out that his lever has gone bad, they told my husband to stop drinking my husband said no he was ready to die. And all we do is argue he says I’m seeing someone else but I’m not. When he starts I leave the house for a couple of hours, than he is still at it. He has never hit me just verbal words . I’m at my straw I asked him if he would go to detox again he said yes, than he says he never said it. This has been going on for about 2 years.

  211. Maria October 2016 at 2:32 pm

    Me and my boyfriend been together for 7 years and we been leaving together for 5. I’m 57 and he is 54. He always been a drinker since I met him, I never been a drinker but i started to drink some to keep up with him, but I started to get sick so I quit, and I hardly ever drink at all, however his drinking is getting worse every day.

    We fight about it all the time. He drinks about a pint of Vodka or Rum every night. He says is because he enjoys it after work. He thinks his more fun when he drinks, and he is not fun if he doesn’t, and he feels he got a better personality when his drinking.

    I feel that I can’t talk to him when he is like this. I feel I often have to wait until the morning or on the weekends right after he wakes up, so we can talk about whatever I had to tell him from the previous day. It is ruining me emotionally, we sleep in separate rooms because he snores very badly and screams very loud through out the night quite badly. He only snores that bad when his drunk.

    Also, I find the smell of alcohol very repulsive I often cannot bear to be close to him. He also cannot perform well sexually when he is very drunk. This is also making my skin crawl if he asks for it when he is drunk. I often have to say no, because I just cannot stand him touching me.

    I want to help him and I tried but he tells me his not ready to quit yet, so I decided to move out, I can’t leave with him anymore, and to make matters worst he has a teenage son that just turn 16 and is heavy into smoking weed and my boyfriend feels is not a big deal. My first husband died of alcohol abuse and i know how bad he got before he passed, so I decided to move out. I can’t leave on this situation anymore. But I feel really sad and upset about the whole situation because I love him but I can’t leave like this any more and see him hurting himself like that.

  212. Niki October 2016 at 4:04 pm

    When my husband drinks, he gets drunk and acts like an ass. Been going on for several years but never his fault or I’m overreacting. As if my life calling is to point out that drinking and driving puts our family at risk, drinking and gambling away 20k sets us back, etc. Not that it matters because “he doesn’t have a problem.” I wish we never got married. God, I would’ve saved myself so much freaking stress. But nope, I get to play “bad guy” who criticizes “him having fun.” All while trying to protect our 20 m.o. from the B.S. I told him the next time he drinks I’m flat out leaving the house with our 20 m.o. and staying at my parents. He can be a worthless drunk on his own time.

  213. Dennis October 2016 at 10:28 pm

    Before we married my wife was a heavy drinker, but she was actively pursuing separate a goal. Although, we were at home together we didn’t spend too much time together and her drinking was rarely a problem. When it was, it was easy for me to dismiss.

    Since we have been married we spend almost 7/24 in the same house but can be in separate rooms. My wife has to her credit made great strides in reducing her drinking. The problem is now we argue whenever drinks. I have tried to be cautious about what I say when I know she has been drinking. If I don’t know and my wife hides the effects well, I alway back into a confrontation. Quite often when I know she has been drinking I still can be drawn into a confrontation before I recognize it. I have sinned, I just found out trying to argue the logic of our constant arguments whenever she drinks, makes it worse.

    I have never asked her to stop drinking completely or outright. I have said or yelled that her drinking is the root of our problems, during an argument, sadly. I often feel baited. Physical violence is not a problem because I swore off it 50 years ago and have rarely resorted to it since, even when confronted by a gun. My wife talks about it as a threat, but knows she couldn’t hurt me without a weapon and even than I am capable of protecting myself.

    When I try to avoid a confrontation by removing myself, frequently she chases me down until we have an argument. To often our arguments lead to verbal abuse from both us. I know I say things that are very mean. We can separate after a blow-up and soon recover. I know that I am not the perfect husband whether my wife has or hasn’t been drinking.

    I try hard not to be co-dependent or enabling. That may be incendiary. All do know is the longer this goes on, the closer I come to taking my wife’s, alcohol supported, invitation to leave or divorce. I am at my wits end because we do love each other and I refuse to give easily. Can you help me with some advice?

  214. Pam October 2016 at 7:04 pm

    I need help! My husband is an alcoholic. He has been sober for several years. He never got help. Went to a few AA meetings, but didn’t stick with them. He quit (finally) cold turkey. He is drinking again and he lied about it. Called me “too paranoid.” Made it feel like I was the one with the problem, but I KNEW he was drinking AGAIN. Found beer cans in his closet and I confronted him. He admitted it. Promised he would quit. A week later I come home to him asleep on the couch. I wake him. He was drunk. I told him he has to leave. He left but I think he will come back… I can’t deal with it again. We have 3 kids. He is very mean to them and especially mean to me when he drinks. I feell so lost.

  215. Lisa October 2016 at 8:47 am

    I met my husband in 2004. Actually we knew each other when we were young family friends. But lost touch with them over the years. I was recently divorced when we met again. We married in 2006. I’m not the same person i used to be. He stays out all night, doesn’t work, stays in bed all day. He puts everybody above me (doesn’t matter who it is his kids, his friends, strangers) doesn’t matter. Talks down to me in front of people. I’m depressed, angry, lonely, frustrated. I get SOO mad & say mean things to him but that just makes things worse than they already are! He doesn’t care about my feelings at all. I’m not one to cry easily but lately I have been a lot, he just walk off. I’m getting older & just don’t want to start over again but I can’t go on living like this either. It’s making me sick!!

  216. feelin'lost October 2016 at 2:51 am

    wow. I read just through three of these postings and each one was just like my story. Except, I am not married to my guy. We have been together for 5 years now. I will not marry him. He does have severe anxiety he rarely talks of, and when he is sober I see the embarrassment and regret in his face and many a times he has apologized. But, it is getting old and I am not having any fun or feeling any good from this relationship. He hates that he drinks like that so he sleeps his days away, or works a lot. I hide the keys from him. He will try and go driving when he drinks like that.
    I feel bad leaving him. But, this is not the way I want to live or have my daughters live. We are young and like to get together with friends and…he just takes it a notch way to far! Its embarrassing sometimes too.

    I dont know what to do. I am angry at him for being this way. when we met, we would exercise together everyday, play and just have lots of laughs. He seems to be unhappy with his career and stuck. I just dont know what to do. I really cant do this too much longer.
    I feel that perhaps I haven’t left him because I cannot fathom the thought of him with another woman! I just cant handle that. I have been working on getting myself past that issue so that I can move on. His behavior and drinking is just out of control.

  217. Cat October 2016 at 10:23 am

    My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years. I didn’t know his drinking was a problem when we met, it seemed like fun, going out and drinking together. I didn’t know alcoholism ran in his family, or that he’d been to an outpatient rehab, or lost his job due to drinking. He shared none of this. I eventually found out through friends and family. As time went on I also realized his drinking was a problem, he’d forget to pick me up when we had plans, or come over late and drunk, he even showed up to work drunk.

    He asked me to move in with him and I said yes with the stipulation he cut back on drinking and got some help. A few months later it seemed like all this was happening and we started looking at houses. We moved in together and a month in I felt like I was living in my own personal hell. I’d come home almost daily to find him drunk, he “quit” his job, which he hated, and said that would help make things better. It got worse. He was found by the police one night passed out and taken to the hospital, didn’t come home and woke up somewhere outside, went on a trip and could barely walk off the plane to meet his friend. I finally convinced him to go to an outpatient program and he was sober for 3 months.

    He was offered a great job and went to training out of state for 2 weeks. He didn’t even make it to the first day. He was arrested twice in one night, lost a rental car and was fired. A few weeks later after this behavior continuing at home his sister and I found him in his wrecked car passed out at a busy intersection. He finally went to rehab.

    He came back sober, happy, determined. The verbal abuse stopped, he wasn’t drunk and angry all the time, yelling at me for nothing, causing worry 24hrs a day. And as time went on I started trusting him again, believing I could go to work or out with a friend and he would be sober and fine. I stopped counting the minutes everytime he left the house to pick up food, or get a haircut wondering if he was stopping for drinks. I stopped searching his car every day. We were happy, doing well and planning marriage and the future.

    Then I went on vacation with my sister. He’d been sober more than a year and I thought things were good. Instead they fell apart and I feel like we are back where we were before rehab. At least once a week he’s getting black out drunk and passing out, he’s angry, verbally abusive, the police brought him home the other night because he lost his car. It’s like the nightmare has returned.

    He wants no suggestions in what to do. He claims he is trying and goes to AA sporadically, or visits a counselor, but it feels makes no real effort. I just don’t know what to do. I want the kind, funny man I fell in love with back and I don’t know if I can live with the other side of him the rest of my life. I think about if we were married, had kids, etc and if I could live with this person. I want a partner in life, and I just don’t know when enough is enough.

  218. Jenny JM October 2016 at 6:01 am

    Dear Husband,

    Last week, you came home drunk after I went to bed, you know, like you usually do, hun. You started cooking something, then passed out on the couch, and the house filled with smoke. I woke up from the smell, ran downstairs, cleared the smoke out of the house, and threw the burning food away. The next morning, you promised not to use the stove when drinking. Last night, again, you started cooking on the stove after coming home drunk. This morning, I went into the basement and turned the gas off to the kitchen.

    No, dear, your drinking doesn’t hurt anyone but you.

    Your Wife

  219. Mary October 2016 at 2:59 am

    I have no idea why I accepted 50 some years and three children living with an alcoholic and controlling man. At age 76, with failing health, I decided I want a few years of peace and independence before leaving this world. With the health problem I have, I decided to make a time line (with all health papers I had and years of journals) to discover when my shortness of breath, etc. began. In doing so, I discovered all the drinking, mental abuse, controlling issues that my husband put upon me. The icing on the cake was when my husband came to the hospital(last December) where I just had back surgery with fusion and he had been drinking. No sooner was I put in bed, husband had a stroke. When I discovered his walking (spread legs) and all, I now have to open doors for him (which he never opened for me), wait for him to slowly walk to me, etc., all due to alcohol. With all that, now I want to leave him. The guilt trip he has put upon me (another way of controlling me), can I leave him or do I continue allow to eat me up?

  220. A friend October 2016 at 10:34 pm

    I have known my husband for about going to 9 yrs. We met an I saw red flags but did not knw how to identify them to him having issues w alchohol. He is a functional alcoholic. A year an half ago I started theraphy. I learned a lot about co-dependent. I did my own research an threw my therapist I got more inside. I love my husband just like all you do. The same story. But I got treatment for myself an its been a slow process but never the less I know that I gave my husband enough time to get treatment for himself but fails. Failed about 100+ times. BBut I had hope an fargave all the disrespecting and dishonesty from the disease of alchohol. I am more aware an see how this affects me and my children all under 7 the youngest 5. So enough is enough I dont want our kiddos repeating this cycle. Wich its going to be repeated and I need to peotect them. I no longer can keep hoping and feeling like my loving wife actions will safe my husband frpm this disease. Only he can so I hope the best for him I truly do. I pray for him he is always going to be engrave into my hearth. But I have to protect my kiddos this will no longer affect us this way. Unfortunately he is already destroying our family n affecting our kids but I will no longer tolerate this at my home. He is the bread winner but I will go forward I have plan A plan B plan C all leget ways to stay upfloat. Im already getting a full time job because of my will for my home to be a safe and norturing environment for my family to be a unit. Its a long road of recovery for me n my kids but we are on the way. And the recovery that a man we love has caused so much pain. When he is my husband and dad he is so awesome but we hardly see that person we love. We see the alchoholic and Im tired of doing this for him Im doing this for me n mi kids. Hope this help we deserve to live happy, and die knowing we did what we could so we can be happy. Better to be alone that with bad company.

  221. Emilia October 2016 at 8:08 pm

    I am 8 months pregnant with our 4th child. The children’s father is a binge alcoholic. He goes a week or 2 without drinking then goes to work (weekends, evenings) and lies and stays out all night/doesn’t answer his phone. We have 3 girls 21 months old and 1 more on the way. It is hard as we have spent many months apart and it is so hard to care for so many babies alone that they end up fighting and crying a lot and I get stressed exhausted and upset. Yet when he comes back he is so great with them and they love him to bits. So I am struggling. I have left many times, and it is so hard to bring them all up all alone. When I have had some paid help it doesn’t compare to a doting father.
    The past 2 weeks he has been back and managed to drink a beer or less a day, and helped so much with the babies, who have been so happy to have him around, but tonight he has worked and is now out on the town after calling and lying about his whereabouts. His favourite colleague is addicted to cocaine and to prostitutes. I am trying to breathe deeply and stay calm. I don’t know how to proceed, he makes a point of staying out when drunk so his children don’t see it. The truth is life is much better for us when he is around; I wonder if I should just put up/ accept the situation at least while the children are so small… but of course I’m then enabling unacceptable behaviour. But when I put my foot down we just lose him altogether. It’s a hard one, I am confused. If anyone has advice I will be grateful.

  222. Rocita October 2016 at 12:38 am

    I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years we had a daughter and I hoped he would cut back on drinking but instead it got worse I had to call the cops when my daughter was only 10 days old because he got drunk and started to yell at me and I new I needed to leave but wouldn’t let me he kept me from using car seat to drive away so I called cops so they showed up and said I can leave but that was the first of many other times because I thought he would change he would drink every other day get drunk and mean yell say horrible things to me and I would try to leave and he would block hallway so I would have to sneak out back door and go to neighbors and call cops or wait tulll he fell asleep then I new I was ok. He let air out of my tires so I couldn’t drive away . He would apologize but tell me why he’s so mad at me and it’s my fault he act like thatt he is nice for few days and back to being Ashe . So when my daughter was 6 months we went for trip to fishing and he drank for the day and di drove us back home except he got on subject how he hates my family and me I’m stupid and I pull over side ride he yelling I say stop our daughter is hearing u acting like this he wouldn’t shut up he got in driver seat and started to drive away funk with my daughter in care he left me and got a dui I prayed she would be ok and he didn’t change it only had gotten worse I left him and got my own place but kept going. Back and forth with him and keeping my house hoping he would quit drinking but no he slowed down and pickup where he left of from few days sober. All I do now is finally still go home with my daughter every night and he goes to his house and drinks away from me and I have a nice home with my daughter where he can’t treat me bad anymore I can leave his house with my daughter and a safe place called home and am still working on my boundaries and need support and wisdom of how to stay strong and not fall back to his tricks he won’t chang he likes to drink and it’s all a game for him I am trying to get get healthy and stronger and know how to deal with alcoholic who can chose better and I deserve better

  223. Michelle October 2016 at 8:20 pm

    My Fiance of 2 years drinks 8 16oz beers every night. It was 12 13oz but he “cut back” 4 because I kept after him. Needless to say he didn’t do it for himself and will “ask” for a extra weekly or just get some and let me know he NEEDS it. He is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I have never been called such awful things in my life. I am 54 and so is he. He is extremely possesive and demands,i text when out. His anger can get explosive. He is manipulative And tries to engage,me in arguments over ANYTHING. And he had shoved me twice now. Sober? He is a sweet man. I’ve known him since High School and even as small children. I know he NEEDS therapy but says he doesn’t need that “crap”. My mother is a Therapist having her MA and has cautioned me about him. Someone earlier said “I fear him now more than I LOVE him” that hit me hard. I hate evenings,now because he spends them with “her” his mistress beer and her friends cigarettes. No watching tv or late night drives. Everything halts at beer thirty. He drinks because every other month he works nights at his plant. Been doing it over 30 years. So this is so INGRAINED in him. and after 2 years and he has only decreased begrudgingly 48oz sporadically after unbelievable fights and,cursing me out. I am seeing I cannot help him or change him or save him. Until he sees his desperate need he will never change. And I can’t take anymore. I was married for 28 yrs to a,man who left me for another MAN. yep. And I’ve had depression and hospitalized for that in 2006 for 11 days. I ‘ve had much counseling over the years and went through the 1e step program which helped me tremendously to understand myself. And to change. Change is good and change IS Life. I see no real change,with him. After my son is married this weekend I’m going to make some changes. In going to take care of me. Breaks,my heart because I absolutely adore him and did way back in school. I wasn’t allowed to date so he found someone else. Here we are,with a second chance and he is blowing it. I’m afraid of him now and know he will hurt,me again probably before the week is out or next week. Has on nights this month which is his excuse to drink and,some days double that,amount. I’m depressed sad angry hurt and feel hopless. Because he has a free will and he is choosing death over life. And,it I continue on he will drag,me,further down back into that hole. This is heartbreaking! Why can they not realize? It is such a SELFISH choice to drink and just GO AWAY in their own little,world and forget the rest of us. So selfish. So insane. ????

  224. Skyler September 2016 at 12:12 am

    My alcoholic and I have been together for going on six years. As i write this, he is puking all over my nice memory foam bed that i will no doubt have to clean. I have told my alcoholic how his drinking affects not only me, but his recovering mother who lives with us. It doesn’t seem to get through, no matter how many different ways i say it. He “knows” he has a problem, promises me he’ll “change”, and I’m the one who has ralph on my favorite sleep pants because he’s just letting it all out all over my bedroom.
    I’m a child of an alcoholic so this type of behavior isn’t new to me. My mother was an alcoholic and subjected my dad, my brothers, and myself to years of hurt and abuse. On a few occasions she even had mild forms of suicidal tendencies. So as I said, none of this is new. What i never anticipated was how i would feel being less attractive to my man than a bottle of crown is. I don’t want to leave. He won’t stop. His mother is on the verge of relasp.
    I just don’t know how to remedy this. He’s amazing when he’s sober, that’s the guy i fell in love with to begin with. But, but… I tell him these things and still i smell puke. Our relationship is suffering along with my self respect. I want there to be hope because tomorrow is always a new day. In this garbage can of a situation, though? I just feel like we’re always running in circles. I’m too damn young to feel this damn old… I just want to be happy. And not smell puke, that us on my bed, and my sheets.

  225. Maggs September 2016 at 2:06 pm

    My husband and i been married for 10 years now..its been a very difficult journey …he’s been drinking since ive met him..i thought that i could change him or get use to it but it hasn’t happened since…He did stop drinking after our son had his surgery but that didn’t last too long….it was close to 3 years without alcohol till one argument led him to hook up with a girl that drank…all that hard work down the drain…eventually we reconcile but he came back worse than he was before…now i have to pick up the broken pieces all over again. He tries to blame me for everything, he’s abusive in every way…he’s messy and impatient..well the list goes on. Sober he’s a wonderful man.He provides for us and he’s a good son but when he’s under the influence he’s a mess with himself and society.He finds every excuse why to drink and to get drunk tired of worrying im tired of trying…i want to leave but some how im stuck…my heart is bigger than my brain.

  226. Jodie September 2016 at 12:34 am

    Tears. So many tears

  227. Marie September 2016 at 9:41 pm

    My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We are literally 2 weeks away from our anniversary. We have a beautiful 4 month old daughter. I’ve known from the beginning his dad was a terrible alcoholic and he has always told me horror stories about how his father treated him and his brothers and mother. He always promised he’d never be like his father. I found out this morning after he was clearly pass out drunk last night I confronted him about it that it has been a problem for about 3 weeks (probably longer). He’s lied to me so much. He’s been drinking on lunch breaks, at his desk at work, and then driving home. We can’t afford for him to lose his job. I am in the process of starting my own business and we depend on his income.

    I studied psychology and know how addiction works. It doesn’t help. I’m angry. I feel betrayed. I feel like it’s my fault. I am so hurt. He doesn’t seem to understand how serious it is. His response is “I never put her in danger” in reference to my daughter. I hate the smell. I hate the lies. I love him. First meetings are tomorrow. At least he wants help at this point… I feel like I have llost the man I fell in love with, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get him back.

  228. Tess September 2016 at 2:49 pm

    I have been married 36 years. My husband was a weekend drinker and I was a social drinker. However, now my husband drinks 24/7 and takes narcatics precribed drugs, already had open heart surgery by age 41. He has high blood pressure and diabetic with insulin. He lost the sight of left eye and I’d continue to drink. He’s right is losing he sight too. Now when he drinks his putting me down. I learned not to argue the point, I now let go and let God take care of it. I pray for him,cause I know he is lost. He’s mom died 5 years ago and he’s dad 3 years later at our house. He didn’t stop drinking since his mother died. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy and how do I cope with this. So I pray again and listen to Christian music and always ask Jesus to help me. Which He Does After I Pray And Listen To Music I Get peace for a little while and it helps me. I have faith in God that one day he will stop abusing alchol and precription drugs

  229. Kat September 2016 at 10:48 am

    I am married to an alcoholic. This is a daily mantra I use to recognize what I’ve been ignoring for so long, and I’m still accepting it. We’re been together for 3 years, married for 1, and in my heart I knew. My husband is also a genuinely good person, and has helped raise my daughter since her biodad commuted suicude to years ago. He has the greatest potential in himself to beat his addiction, but I don’t know if he’s ready to make the changes. My husband has always dealt with custody issues surrounding his two boys from a previous marriage, and his drinking became worse with the conflict surrounding that. My daughter loves him, but she doesn’t know that he’s beaten me down (physically and emotionally) or that I’ve had a concussion as a direct result of his abusive behavior. Everytime I look at him I still see the man I fell in love with, the problem is, I don’t think my husband knows how to bring that person back. So I admitted him to a rehab clinic, and as soon as I did, the promises to change started flooding in. I believe he has good intentions; I can see the pain in his eyes, but words scare me and promises are empty. I can’t tell if I should chose to help my lover with his illness or walk away completely to send a powerful message to my daughter about self worth; or both? When being married to an alcoholic, nothing you do seems good enough.

  230. Evelyn September 2016 at 11:36 pm

    My divorce will be final in October 2016. My husband left me 10 yrs. ago. He is an alcoholic. In our 23 yrs. together, during his drinking, he abused me verbally and physically but I never left him, I forgave him and took care of him. I never was absent from work, not even when I got a black eye from him, nor when he left his finger prints on my throat. Many of times, I thought this is the day I will die. I don’t know why I never left him. This past 10 yrs. he still abuses me by lying to me just so he can get his way, sexually but I don’t give in. He doesn’t respect me always putting me down, lying to his family, friends about me. But in reality, he was getting deeper into drinking and smoking pot with our sons best friend mother. While I was working 2nd shift at the hospital, they were together behide my back. Who does that? He continues to treat me like am a call girl, a nobody and I can’t understand why! I never turned my back on him. I was the one he called when he hit bottom. I was the one who took him to the hospital and rehab. Now, he said he hasn’t drink this past year. He got a pin but I can tell in his voice that he had a drink and he is lying to the AA group. I still hurt, the pain doesn’t go away cuz I loved my husband and I don’t know him. I am a very religious, good, caring person. I think of others before myself. I forgive and I pray. Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I let go? Why does my husband have a hold on me when he is an ugly person, and am the opposite of him! I don’t drink nor smoke.

  231. Dorothy September 2016 at 5:46 pm

    I to have a drunk for a husband . We have been together for 17 years with 4 great kids. He has beat me down and I feel as though I’m broken , he has been traveling for work and getting drunk every night , not to mention the other women I suspect , I have found not text messages and he is constantly deleting numbers as well as sneaking off and goes incognito often . He has hit me on several occasions and now has decided to move out , we are getting a divorce , he seems happy and continues the daily drinking . I know I should be happy , I know I deserve better , I loved that man and my family with everything in me and now all my suffering was for nothing cause in the end he chose the bottle and everything that comes with it . My question is why am I so overwhelmed with fear and feel such great loss that he is gone , I’m so lost and feel so helpless . How can some one who you share such history just treat you as nothing . I continue to suffer for his choices , I know I shouldn’t , yet I can not find a way to stop these dreadful anxiety attacks and the feeling of overwhelming sorrow . Please help if you have anything that might .

  232. Anne September 2016 at 6:12 pm

    I feel each and every persons pain ..I have been with my alcoholic abusive partner since I was 16 ..I’m now 41..we have 5 chide 3 who are still school age at home partner became alcoholic about 12 years ago..and it’s got progressively worse ..he’s had strokes ..been in intensive care he’s been admitted to hospital over 150 times took 10 overdoses of painkillers ..smashed the house up ..called me everything under the sun and blamed me for everything.he’s spent all our money and doesn’t work now either I’ve had to give up work to look after him as he is always causing grief .fighting in the street calling people names etc .I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the person staring back ..I’m a shell of my former self and I hate myself nearly as much as I hate him ..I have no family and nowhere to children hate him and I feel that way too..he has destroyet any love I ever felt. He is not the same person and he will never change.I only hope a miracle happens to end this nightmare I live in daily and more to the point my beautiful children ..I wish each and everyone of you the best of luck with your journeys but take it from me only gets worse ..and just when u think it couldn’t it gets worse again

  233. Lu September 2016 at 3:47 pm

    SORRY hit the send button. now I do not want to be there. I am embarrassed that we act (he acts) the way he does to me in front of his sons. He looses his temper and screams and stuff. I did very much care for him but he has really pushed my feelings away. I don’t know if I need time away from him but I truly don’t think it will work. I don’t. My issue is this we both in our 50’s and it is hard to find a somewhat decent person to be with. He is a good man and works hard. As honest as they come owns his own home 3 1/2 acres of land. The only think wrong with him is his drinking. So for one it is kind of hard to let go for those good qualities. But I don’t think I want to get tied up in this. Being our age I feel like I will not find anyone else to be with. so again it is hard to let go. He said he has no intention of stopping the drinking and I believe him. but after this weekend I just don’t want to go back around his house with his sons there. I don’t really want to go back. he will not stay at my place because I live in an apartment and he hates it. I am so embarrassed to even be there. He says “oh they know how I am ” but they only hear one side of the fights and that is his. I feel like I could crawl under a rock right now and do not want to go around them. He has totally humiliated me. But this may be my last chance at love. People tell me my standards are to high because I do not want to live with a drunk or drug addict so I am trying to keep in my mind that everyone is not perfect and has flaws. that I got to take the good with the bad.. don’t no what to do

  234. Lu September 2016 at 3:39 pm

    I just don’t know where to start. All the emails have some kind of the same information that I am living. Met the best most honest man (54) in April the first date we have been inseparable. However, he is and has admitted to me he is an alcoholic. I was very scared at first to get involved because I have never been in a relationship with this kind of issue nor was I brought up in it. The first few weeks was good but we fight a lot . He starts fights and then don’t remember he started them and blames me for it. He has never been physical abusive but the mental is horrible. I do have my own place to live and he does his. He always wanted me to bring extra items like clothes, ect over and leave them so I will have them there. His son and his girlfriend lives with him also. They are in their early 20’s. They do not like me because I have tried to get him to slow down on his drinking at least and when he did the first month he stopped them from having Hugh drinking parties. So of course they think I am the enemy. About a month and a half ago he started a fight because I was staring at him. (that is all I done) and he told me to get my “””STUFF”” and get out. I had to do this right in front of his sons so I was humiliated. He called all weekend trying to make up and I fell for it. However, I feel so uncomfortable there with his family and he knows this. He says “well its my house I will have over here who I want to . Well I feel like I am in the middle. I am not wanted there by some and he wants me there. I hate going there I do. All it is to do is DRINK. He lives in the country and stays home all the time other than work. I hate it there…But I did tell him that if this ever happened again it would be the last time. Well this past weekend he drank maybe 10 beers but it was spaced out throughout the day. which he can handle fine but come Sunday (Monday a holiday) he started drinking heavy by that evening he was drunk and before the night was over he told me to get my :”:STUFF”” :: and get out. In the middle of the night I had to leave with all my stuff. Monday he called still kind of being an Ass then by Tuesday he is all sweet and loving. Thursday he is back to drinking a lot says his back hurts and he is taking mussel relaxers. (he does not abuse pills) he is a supervisor at a hugh chemical company. He told me today that if I don’t come over he is going to just set and drink. That he is bored and nothing to do. Well to start with I DONT WANT TO BE THERE… AGAIN HE HAS HUMILATED ME IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY.

  235. Train wreck September 2016 at 7:17 am

    I have been married to my husband for 26 years and together for 30. Over the years he has started drinking more and more. When he is not working he starts drinking as soon as he wakes up. He drinks and eats very little. While he is drinking, he is not a husband to me or a father to his children. He blames me for his drinking or he will say that he knows he has a problem but so do i. He somehow feels that it is something that I am doing or not doing that causes him to drink, or he is standing to lay the blame and the burden of his drinking squarely in my lap. He used to be physically abusive until I had him arrested, but now he is verbally abusive. I’m not sure which is worse. He now curses at our teenage daughter. This is something he never would have done either drunk or sober. I’m afraid of what this may do to her. I have already seen what it did to my oldest children, one son has struggled with addiction and has nearly lost his life on several occasions, the other 2 struggle with anxiety. I can say this, if he didn’t work away from home for weeks at a time, I probably would have had an emotional breakdown or would have left him by now. Thenonly peace i have in my life is when he is away at work. When he is home, we xount down the days for him to leave, that’s like the light at the end of the tunnel. He do makes plans and never flow through. His word means nothing when he drinks. I used to hire someone to do all the little repairs around the house that he doesn’t do…but no more. I have to make all the decisions. The load of my family is on my shoulders as though I am not married. I am emotionally drained and in need of help. I do not know what to do…

  236. amy September 2016 at 7:03 pm

    I have been married for 10 years and found out my husband was an alcoholic about 1 year after I married him. He is a high functioning alcoholic. He works from home. At 5pm, everyday, he starts drinking. He drinks a liter of wine with 6 beers every night. I have only discussed this with him a few times. It is useless. He is not going to change. I have no choice but to stay so I dont lose my house. I just never imagined my life would be this way.

  237. Chungy September 2016 at 11:09 am

    I’ve read all of the prior comments and feel like they speak of me and my life. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 13 years, still hot married and two kids. He drinks so much especially on the weekends, I always am criticised, name called, and bullied and a free times beat up.

    Everyone I try to talk to him somehow it turns to be my fault and that in the one that has issues. I’ve lately realized he says things like, is it okay if I smoke a cigarette I need to make sure I check in with you to see if it’s okay, so I say your fine and just smile. He drinks all day and ends up passing out before 3, so lost of the time I just go out with my kids to get my mind of of things.

    I feel so lost and confused I don’t know what to do anymore I just want to be happy and enjoy life with my kids.

  238. Jo Ann September 2016 at 4:08 am

    Its almost 2 a.m. and finally my fiance, of 5 years,passed out. We had a really nice day together, having a picnic at a river. When we came home however, he got exceptionally drunk. He’d been an alcoholic for ad long as we have been together. He was playing the stereo really loud tonight, and I had to beg him repeatedly to turn it down. We are already about to be evicted over loud music and the drunken shenanigans. He was blasting rap music, with the bass shaking the walls. The security in our building said the last time the police come and arrest us for “disturbing the peace.” I Was having an upset stomach for hours, and he didn’t care in the least. Every place we live, we become alienated due to this sort of drunk scenarios. I took a chance tonight after 3 hours of pleading to be quiet, lower music at least, and I shut it off. Luckily, hr didn’t get angry, but instead fell asleep. This could’ve went terribly bad—I was at the breaking point- I was about to freak out. He looked so wasted- eyes glazed over, cussing me out, calling me names. Totally unreasonable. After a perfect afternoon, his behavior stung me especially bad. Yet, it is not new. He’s been in and out of jail his entire life- he’s 43 now- for drunk related offenses.CONVICTED OF 5 DUI’S. HITTING A COP. HITTING ME….MY daughter, who is 20, is DONE. ( NOT HIS CHILD) SHE FEELS I CHOSE HIM OVER HER, AND SOMETIMES I FEEL MAYBE I HAVE…. I AM ON A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE THAT WON’T END. I LOVE HIM AND KEEP HOPING HE WILL STOP DRINKING. …

  239. Christine September 2016 at 11:37 pm

    Many of these stories mirror my own experiences! I love my husband and he’s a wonderful man when he doesn’t drink. Unfortunately, he is an alcoholic and I’m about at my wits end. He has end stage COPD and is on cannulated oxygen 24/7. To make matters worse, I have Multiple Sclerosis and am struggling with that as well. He’s always been a drinker, but he’s gotten much worse since he got social security last year. Beer now is his drink of choice and he thinks his behavior is affected less by it.

    I’ve been dealing with erratic and often verbally abusive behavior for a long time now. It’s as if he has certain tapes on hand that he plays over and over again, rehashing the same old garbage. Everything becomes my fault and he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for what he says. He is dying and therefore it’s his right to drink as much as feels like and behave like a jerk towards me. I cry a lot out of sheer frustration and anger.

    In his mind, he feels entitled to spend what monies we have on beer and cigarettes with no regard for our household. He says he hates “borrowing” money and he does it anyways. I’m always a buzzkill if I say no as I can’t tell him what to do.

  240. CC September 2016 at 9:44 pm

    I have been married for 3 years. My husband is an alcoholic. It is getting worse. He constantly rips me to shreds. He is getting physically abusive. He tries to burn me with cigarettes and lighters. Our biggest battle is over his driving. He has no license Thank God!!! He’s had 15 DUIs the last a few months back when he took our truck and I stood in front of it yelling for him not to take it. He got caught by being passed out on the road. As you can guess, he blames me for him getting a DUI. (NOT MY FAULT).
    We recently moved to Kentucky were the DUI laws are incredibly lax. I am away from family and friends. I never have money due to his drinking. I try to attend alanon. But it causes a huge battle. I did recently get a job. I am not able to do for me at all. Fear keeps me as a prisoner.
    I love my husband but I think he’s just too far gone.
    Boundaries do not work with him. Even his family has tried boundaries to no avail.
    I am feeling at a loss.

  241. Christy August 2016 at 8:22 pm

    I’ve been married to my husband for 2 years now and together for 3. He was always that party boy never knows when he’s had enough to drink. We now have a 2 year old and a baby on the way. We have nearly divorced and signed papers twice. It will get better then go right back to the same drinking non stop. He will lie and hide beer from me if he gets a chance. I’ve managed to get him to only drink on the weekends and not everyday now for 3 months but there’s still moments he will use and excuse and drink a few days during the week. With another baby on the way I’m unsure what to do. He’s rarely ever violent unless it’s liquor. Which is very very rare. 99% the time it’s beer. He will get emotionally abusive, pass out in the bathtub with it running or drink and drive. Things that I can’t just look past and continue to hope and pray it gets better. I don’t want to leave, he is a very good man and a great dad. I do believe he is my soul mate. But the choices he continues to make and refuses to stop make me question how much and how long I can put up with it. I don’t want my kids growing up thinking it’s ok to do these things. I’m lost and drowning. I feel so alone until I read everyone’s story’s.

  242. Michael August 2016 at 4:13 am

    These stories are so familiar. My wife is an alcoholic. I also like to drink wine but if I drink too much I fall asleep; it’s like a built-in circuit breaker. She drinks too much and, sometimes, gets wildly angry. She’ll insult me calling me “pathetic” and a “loser.” She’ll scream and yell. She’ll insult my job, my bosses, my family, my friends. She’ll call me fat (I’m overweight but not so much; she’s proportionately much heavier from all the drinking).

    She hates it when I talk to friends and will lash out at them to the point friends and family tend to stay away from me to avoid her. Then she tells me I have no friends and my family hates me (they’ve all been really clear they love me but they don’t want to face her wrath). She wrote a verbal attack against a co-worker of mine – that person’s crime being asking how she was doing, which I stupidly relayed to her – and that got me called into HR. They said “you could get fired for this.” And I said “really? for something my wife wrote?” Then the HR person started crying and said “no, not really, probably not – I don’t know – I’ve never seen something like this before” and reminded me there’s free psych counseling through our health plan.

    Sometimes she’ll also hit me. She’s beaten me bloody a few times. All of times that happened I was asleep. She’d get drunk while I’m sleeping – I work and she doesn’t so she stays up drinking, alone – and wake me up and attack me. Then she’d say “you provoked me.” And I’ll tell her I was asleep, had been sleeping for hours, and when I went to bed she was perfectly happy (and either sober or not nearly so drunk). I’ve taken to recording her when she comes in drunk and angry. Sometimes that will calm her down because I tell her but other times it won’t. When I playback the recordings she’ll say “listen to me – I was trashed,” using the alcohol as an excuse. She thinks it’s funny.

    Lately when she comes in raging in the middle of the night our daughter will wake up, come into the bedroom, and try to calm her down. She can get her to leave, to go to another room or the couch and stop the attacks but I think it’s really bad for her. She tells me she’s divorcing me and I say “ok.” Then she’ll tell me to go make that happen.

    When she’s sober, and not hungover, she’s a different person. Fun, nice; we have a normal relationship. But she drinks almost every night; the only nights she won’t get drunk is for a night or two after an especially abusive bender but that doesn’t last long. This has been going on for years. Her doctor told her that her liver numbers on some kind of liver test are much too high, and that it’s from the drinking. He said she’s really hurting herself but she doesn’t listen. I feel like she’s killing herself and trying to make the rest of us as miserable as possible while she does it. I also feel like she’s a spoiled child but hate that I feel like that.

  243. Leigh August 2016 at 6:11 pm

    I have been dating a guy for about eight months now, and he has had something to drink almost everyday. He will go a day or sometimes two without, but then right back to it the next day. He isn’t abusive in any way, ugly or disrespectful to me. He is actually fun, sweet and more loving towards me. He doesn’t perform as well when he’s been drinking, and always, always talks about his ex.

    We have had several discussions about it where he promised to make an effort to change, and he has cut back quite a bit. It’s just that when he drinks for several days in a row I just lose it. I can’t control my anger or hurt when I see him go for a bottle of something with alcohol in it. I can make it for several days, and then I just get so angry!!

    I have almost left twice. Each time he has said he would work on it. This last time, the third, I didn’t threaten to leave except when he said he was going to his sons if I was going to be mad. I told him I might not be here when he got back if he left. I wanted us to talk about it, not run from it.

    Now today he has proposed a deal. That he can drink four days a week for six months and then he will cut back to three days a week. That seems like a lot of time invested for something that probably won’t work. I do have a little knowledge about alcoholism and addiction, and this, to me, is just another way to avoid the problem.

    He states that it is my problem from something that happened in the past, and I am taking it out on him. I disagree.

    Please, someone give me some advice. Someone that has more experience than I do.

  244. Jessie G August 2016 at 12:49 am

    This sounds so much like my story. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nine years…..he has been drinking through all of it, and lying lying lying lying. I can’t tell you the crazy things he has done. Until him, I didn’t even know it was possible to hurt someone that much (I mean emotionally, not physically). He has ruined every holiday ever by either disappearing on a binge or showing up drunk, he has promised about a zillion times to stop drinking (never true, of course), he has gone on binges that last up to four days or even five days and during those times I’ve had to file missing persons reports with the Police….and on and on. Once he starts drinking, it doesn’t seem possible for him to stop; he drinks until he blacks out, every single time. I worry all the time he will die, because he is not young anymore, and binge drinkers like him are known to have heart attacks, etc. Plus he passes out in weird places, such as the middle of the road (true story) and once practically right in the river (also a true story – his lower body was in the river when he passed out) and he has almost frozen to death by passing out outside in winter. He lied about going to AA, saying he was going, when he had never gone even once. Same with going to a cousellor – claimed he went, and, years later, admitted he never went once. He promises to stop lying, and that never happens, of course.

    He lies all the time about drinking. He stands me up. He ditches me to go drinking. He texts me and claims he’s working late, and then later I find out of course that he was at the bar with his drinking buddies (who he claims he doesn’t hang out with, but he does).He used to be a drug addict, too, and claims to be clean but of course I wonder about that. In fact, I pretty much wonder about everything….when someone lies that often, is anything they say true?? He ditches me whenever he feels like it, but expects me to always be there for him whenever he feels like it. He is selfish. He claims he loves me, but doesn’t seem to ever actually consider me. He pushes me away. He blows up at me. He yells and screams, more and more often these days. He blames me for his problems. He gets angry when I call him on his drinking. He claims that my “nagging” makes him drink.

    I could say so much more, but I don’t want to type on and on. I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Some of you guys have stories so much like mine that I wish I could contact you or that you could contact me. Even if it was just email, it would be so nice to have someone to talk to.

    I feel like my life is wasting away, and I hate that. I came here to the Al Anon page because I realize that I have to stop trying to make him change, and, instead, understand that I can’t make him do a thing, and focus instead on myself and on how to make my life better.

    Well, I think I will come back to this page every now and then and see if there’s anyone who wants to chat. Good luck, all of you.

  245. Becky August 2016 at 12:38 am

    My husband and I have been together for 12 years, since before he was of drinking age, and married for the past 8. We have three children together. He wasn’t a drinker at all when we first met. Probably three years into our relationship, he would drink once in a while if he went out with friends, a couple of those times he drank to the point of getting sick. I shook it off as being a “lightweight” since it’s thin but didn’t realize that he has a history of alcoholism in his family.

    In the past, he has made really poor, reckless choices when drinking and has hurt me in a host of ways. Now, he’s doing it so often that I’ve told him he needs to get into a treatment program and therapy or he’s going to have to move out.

    He went to his first AA meeting on Thursday and today is Saturday and he’s drunk again. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting this morning, in the hopes of learning to be strong for myself and my kids and hope to support him during his recovery. I don’t think he wants to recover. I don’t think he even sees that he has a problem. But he’s going to lose his family as a result of his drinking, abusive and reckless behavior while drunk, and disregard for his family. I’m not going to continue to raise my kids in a household like this.

  246. Stacey August 2016 at 10:00 pm

    I’ve been dealing with an alcoholic relationship for 2 years now. At first, I didn’t know how big the problem was, and I wasn’t invited around his friends or family so I didn’t know anything about him, only the lies that he told me which made me think he was the greatest guy ever. Once he started coming over more, I noticed how bad his drinking was and it started affecting me. That’s when the mental abbuse started, and he would destroy my things on purpose in rage. After he punched out my window, my family noticed what I was going through with him, and told me I need to end the relationship. I wasn’t ready to give up on him like everyone else had, I felt like I could make the difference. Like if I showed him enough love that he would stop using alcohol. I was wrong. My family ended up distancing themselves from me greatly, I used to spend 2 or 3 days with them, and now I haven’t seen them in almost 8 months. It hurts so bad to lose them, but I feel really guilty for choosing this relationship over theirs. They are so great to me and make me so happy, and this is just feeling like a job that I can’t suceed at. The worst part is that now I do not love him like I should, I hold so much resentment towards him, and there is no way that is going to help him or me. It’s come down to me needing to give up in order to have a functional family again. The only thing that’s been holding me back is this thought that he will quit and be the great man that he could be, and I won’t be a part of his life, but now I have so much resentment, I don’t think I could live with him even if he was sober. I miss being happy.

  247. Ann August 2016 at 8:25 pm

    I have been married almost 15 years to a man who is an alcoholic. He was drinking beer daily and more on the weekend, he has been lately sneaking it, stressed from work, had some legal problems caused because of it and has admitted several times he’s an alcoholic but won’t do anything about it. We have two children, one of which has medical issues. He works full time and has good insurance, I written part time with no insurance. Nothing changes, it’s the same apologies. I am so frustrated, tired and angry. I don’t know what to do.

  248. Feed up August 2016 at 8:07 am

    I have been with my husband 4 years, and we’ve been married only one year. Never knew he had a problem until we moved in together. He will go get help and stay clean 5/7 months, then he goes real hard on a drinking binge. I’m looking for a divorce lawyer, because I don’t want to grow old with someone like this, I hate him, and myself for marrying a drunk!

  249. Ashu August 2016 at 7:40 pm

    Me and my husband have been married for almost 2 years. I did nt know that I got married to drunk. Before marriage, I knew that he drinks but not as he is now. I don’t dare to leave him just because of social pressures. Personally I even don’t want to leave him. When he is sober,he behaves like best husband in the world. But whenever he drunk, He will get into argument with me,his parents or friends. He will break things in drunk rage.

    Even after being two years together, we dint have intercourse. There is no intimacy. We will just have sex once in a while. That’s means 1 time out of 3 months. I don’t have clarity why am I living with this person. But I wanted to help him to change. I do not know how.

  250. Jennifer August 2016 at 2:30 pm

    I do not have the typical alcoholic as a husband. He is a very functioning alcoholic. We have been together 9 years and in the 9 years we have been together our arguments have been about the same 2 things. His drinking and his jealousy. Other than that we get along great. We have the same goals in life. He works hard and can even pull an all night drunk fest and still go to work the next day. We travel and have a good time together but the problem I have with him is his behavior when he drinks. He doesn’t listen to a word I’m telling him, he falls on things and people, he can be violent(not with me although he has in the past but more with other people. He has broken a man’s jaw), he gets belligerent and he makes terrible decisions like drinking and driving. We have a boat as well and he does the same thing on a boat. He seems to be ok and easy to talk to until he reaches a certain point then after that there is no return. I don’t even exist in that world. Trying to talk to him is like talking to a brick wall. He gets himself so drunk that he wets the bed which is something that crawls under my skin bad. He has gotten up in the middle of the night and has peed on the floor or in closets. When he gets up the next morning he literally doesn’t remember anything. He smells like a brewery. I don’t want him to even touch me when he gets that way. Nothing about it turns me on. I love the person that he is when he is sober. He is good to me, he helps me around the house and he is a good provider. He doesn’t drink every day but it is at least 3 to 4 days a week and it is serious binge drinking. I am so scared that one day he is going to kill someone or himself by drinking and driving and who does that leave to pick up the pieces…me! I am the one who could be left with no house, no money, no husband or a husband I have to take care of that is in a vegetable state. He has become a liability risk to me. I left him 2 years ago and refused to go back home until he got help. He went to 1 AA meeting and did not drink for 4 months at least that I know of. He called me every day crying to come back. He was a mess. He promised that he would change. I decided to come back home because I felt like he was making some changes and when I got back home we rented our house out and decided to move a little ways out so that all his alcoholic friends could be distanced from us. We stayed there a year and a half. He did start drinking again but he at least maintained it a lot better. He did not ever get out of control. His friends rarely came out to visit which was a good thing for our marriage. Don’t get me wrong. I love his friends but I love my husband more. We decided to move back home recently to our house. It has been 3 months. Since we moved back the problems are back again. It is hard on me. I have a very mental job where I have to think clear at all times. I sometimes want to break down in tears crying but I don’t want to let anyone know I am married to an alcoholic. I don’t want people judging him or me. I have to be the strong person and put on a smile every day like nothing is wrong and it is extremely hard. He doesn’t miss work after a drunk night but I have had to miss work from being up all night worried about him. I do not function the way that he does. I have to have sleep to be productive. He makes life very hard for me. I feel so alone sometimes. I am getting very close to leaving him again but it is hard because I cant imagine my life without him. I don’t know what to do. His family knows he has a drinking problem but they enable the behavior and take his side even though they know he is wrong. I feel like everyone is against me. If I leave him it is not just him I lose. I have nieces and nephews that will be taken from me as well. They all thought I was a bad person when I left him the first time. Sometimes I just want to give up.

  251. Lisa August 2016 at 1:08 am

    I’m married 25 years and my life is at an all time low. My husband drinks heavily ever night. He picks on everything I do. I can’t be on the phone, he screams at me and calls me degrading names and my kids are sick of hearing the yelling. I work full time and he said all the work in the house is my job, he won’t help with anything. I try not to talk or say much for fear of being yelled at for hours. My son tells him to leave me alone but he yells more. He called me terrible names in front of my sons friends, they are 21, they look at me, I’m so embarrassed. He’s nice to everyone but me. He blames me for him drinking. I’m not sure how much longer I can live like this. My daughter graduates from HS in May and he retires in May, I’m thinking of leaving him. I can’t live this way much longer. He starts drinking at 12:00 on Saturday afternoon and drinks vodka and beer all day and night. He starts drinking as soon as he gets home from work at 3:30 during the week. I get home at 5, by then he’s starting to pick on me and yell about everything. I’m scared he’ll hit me, he wants me out of the house but I have no where to go. The kids want me to stay, they feel sorry for me. I don’t know where to go, I have no family. And we haven’t slept together since last October, I guess I make him sick. He doesn’t find me attractive anymore. I feel useless and lonely.

  252. Debbie August 2016 at 10:36 am

    I’ve been married for 35yrs. My husband started drinking heavily shortly after my son was born. We had been married yrs. My husband didn’t want children but I’d known him for 6 yrs before my son’s birth and he never mentioned that. It was only when we went for marriage counselling ..then married 15 yrs. .that he told the person we saw that he had married me for companionship, not to have children. In the meantime the verbal abuse continues whether he’s drunk or sober. He’s never normal. We run a business together and to cope I’ve ended up addicted to tranquilisers, painkillers and sleeping pills. I went into rehab and healed but 7 yrs later I’m addicted again and the verbal abuse continues with litres of whisky being consumed every day. Money we can’t afford and damage to his health and ultimately mine out of control. I’m more desperate than anyone who knows me can conceive. He has destroyed us our life and my son’s health.

  253. Rebecca August 2016 at 11:52 pm

    My husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years and I’m currently expecting a baby girl. I’ve always known my husband to drink or fiddle with drugs but not to the extent that he has been lately. There have been some stages where he’s been absolutely terrifying to me where he has beaten me up or chased me to hit me and if he can’t get to me then it’s throwing things or punching walls. For the past year or so, his drinking and drug use (cocaine) has increased.

    He becomes such a violent person if not physically all the time, emotionally. I’m called every single word under the sun but then when he is sober, I am chastised for not treating him the way I used to. I think I have built up such resentment towards him that I feel like I have fallen out of love with him. I used to worship the ground he walked now, now I don’t even look at him twice.
    The smell of the alcohol completely grosses me out especially now being pregnant. He comes to kiss me and I have to hold my breath. If I hear him sniffing my mind immediately goes to cocaine and I have to sit there and wonder if he’s snorting or not and if I know that he is I just go straight to our bedroom and close the door.
    I have had “the chat” with him where I have told him I will leave him and he did take it seriously for about 2 days but then had a complete meltdown and we had probably the biggest fight we’ve ever had.
    I am so over it. I don’t feel as though I have a husband or a partner in life. I feel like I will be raising our daughter on my own and I’m scared of how much he will drink around her. I don’t want him picking her up drunk like he has with our dog, it scares the crap out of me.

    I can’t talk to him about my day after work because he is either starting to drink or he’s already tipsy and I just switch off. He forgets important things like our dr’s appts and I make sure to remind him several times but the last time I had an OB appt he was sitting at the pub drinking.

    This isn’t the life I pictured that I would ever had, especially after having such a wonderful life at home with my parents. I don’t want my daughter to be scared or embarrassed of her father. My father was everything to me and that’s what I’ve always envisioned for our daughter to have but it doesn’t look like it will happen.

    I’m scared to leave because during his tirades he has threatened that he will hurt my mum and sister so I feel like I would be getting them into such a bad situation that they have absolutely no idea about. I do think that I have put up with it for far too long but being a mother I don’t think I will. I can’t keep holding this in and walking on egg shells, I truly wish I had never met him.

  254. Jennie August 2016 at 8:49 pm

    I have been married to an alcholic for 12 years. When we met he was honest about having been to rehab for drug addiction but that he was clean for a year and drank socially. He was highly intelligent and educated. We were in our early 20’s and he seemed perfect. Now he a Freaking monster that I no longer want to be around. He drinks all the time. He hides boze all around the house, lies, and verbally attacksme for no reason. I am educated and make twice as much $ as him and he constantly says I am lazy and don’t work like he does. I have stayed for our 3 children. My parents were divorced and j never wanted thaf for my children. But he has become verbally abusive to our children now too. Pointing out every flaw. He promises to stop but it is always short lived. I do believe he will try to kill me if I leave. The sober man I loved would never hurt me but if he starts drinking he will come after us and I am not certain anyone can protect us… I hate him, I put up a front to everyone. I try to keep him away from social gatherings as he makes a scene or passes out somewhere. I am working on a safe exit plan but I will never fully exit his life because of our children. I wasted all these years… This is the first time I ever wrote or spoke of what he really is….

  255. eva jane August 2016 at 9:59 pm

    it has been 30 years-he is an alcoholic and I keep hoping he will get help. I went to two alanon meetings and he does not want me to go back. I am sad lonely depressed afraid isolating myself and withdrawing from people. need support what do I do

  256. Judy August 2016 at 8:26 pm

    Just reading all other comments, I have been living the same, but now he verbally abuses me in public, at a Cubs game, when I never did or said anything. I’m scared at night to go into my own house, he spits in my face, head butts me. Calls me ugly ,defaces my kids , he is a 16 yr old bully, in a 43 year old body. It makes me sick that he has to beat up a small female. He does not have any memory of conversations when even when he was not drinking. He refuses to work, if I do not buy him case of beer he will destroy my house. I am the blame of everything , and his friends are all the same. Heavy drinkers who never grew up. If I only had know that you can not have a relationship with an alcoholic, they will lie , cheat and deny. They only love their drink. I need to
    Recover from this abusive relationship, I need to find local meetings and attend. This has really my self worth at a low. I have to think about my kids, they do not need this abusive man in their life’s.

  257. Janessa August 2016 at 11:13 pm

    So I have been married for 14 years and have known my husband for 20, we have two daughters age 11 and 10. He has always drank to the point that he wakes up choking , vomiting. He drinks to the point where he can’t talk or walk and falls a lot. He was physically abusive until I called the police they arrested him and they put him on probation . I ended up leaving the marriage for two years, at this time he also cheated and I found out. He went to the classes for domestic violence and started to go with us to church . My daughters and I moved back into the house with him . He was okay for a few years , now he had been drinking a few nights a week and now he blows up every week about one thing or another . He has become very verbal abusive and I have caught him on online dating sites and messaging women on Facebook . I already scoped out apartments and I am ready to leave with my daughters . They always ask me when are we leaving but for some reason I feel guilty or I don’t know what to feel I don’t want to leave my home but when I was away for two years it was so peaceful and wonderful . I need that again I attend school working on a bachelors and I just got a promotion . As my marriage and family falls apart my career is taking off . I pray for all who are going through the his it is a struggle . I like to put my stage face on at work everyone thinks I have a wonderful life except for a few friends, they know the truth and tell me to leave asai . I want to but I want to make sure I never come back again .

  258. Charlotte August 2016 at 3:10 pm

    Everyone’s stories are similar in one way or another ,we have been through similar and my partner have been together almost 10 years we got together in our teens which makes it harder I’m in my 20s now I thought we would settle down and have a fanily,I kept hoping the drinking would stop or that I’d at least one day be worth giving it up for, he’s such a different person when he’s not drinking but I can see that not not drinking makes me happy but not do you change or break away from that when its all you’ve ever known?

  259. Jennifer August 2016 at 2:39 pm

    Hi I have been married for 4 years now to my husband he started drinking not to long ago my husband and brother together drink and then they started fighting one another and I have to get in it to stop then from fighting one time I got hit and thank god for the last one no one got hurt they was fighting over a bottle of rum and my husband has been calling me names alot telling me he doesn’t care what I think or say to him he doesn’t care if I leave him nothing will stop him from drinking tells me I am no good retard scumbag there are times I cry my self to sleep because I believe I am ugly no good and its my fault he drinks just like he tells me our family and friends keep buying him drinks when I ask them not to..I feel like I am so alone right now I am not happy in my marriage no more he is always yelling at me and putting me down I don’t know what to do anymore this is not the husband I married the man I fall in love with he is not him no more

  260. Susan August 2016 at 3:43 pm

    Where do I begin? I started dating my husband 38 years ago when I was 15 and he was 17. We have now been married 34 years and I still love him but not sure if I’m still in love with him. He’s the only man I have fell in love with and the only man I have wanted to be with but I now question that as he is an alcoholic. So many of your stories sound like mine.

    The doctor has told him he needs to stop drinking, yet my husband says he’s wacko. I took him to a marriage counselor that said she couldn’t even talk with us as a couple until he got help from a specialist to stop drinking. He just says she’s crazy.

    My husband usually drinks beer and thinks because it’s beer it’s just fine and not a problem. There’s not a day he don’t drink and not a day he don’t lie to me. He is not violent and he’s not abusive or a fall down drunk and people don’t even think he’s drunk. Sometimes I don’t even know he is but he can’t remember a word I said or what has gone on.

    How long do I wait for him to get help before I leave? I feel I have given him every chance in the world to get help and I have given him well over 5 years to get help and it’s only gotten worse. When do I give up everything I have worked for and earned to leave him and his disease?

  261. Tosca August 2016 at 9:47 am

    17 years. And I am walking the path of the woman in his life before me. This is how it started: I felt sorry for him. Everybody was being so mean to this poor fellow. This was his portrayal and I fell for it. Alcohol was a constant part of life around here. I drink wine and only wine – but it has become a daily indulgence. That started 15 years ago. He prefers to strike with headgames and basic emotional abuse when I am under the influence. When I react – and unfortunately get drawn down to his level he sits back and watches the show. Some times the windows are open. I know the neighbors hear this interaction – mostly my voice. He just sits back silently.

    About 2 years ago I woke up. And I took a long hard look at my motivation.

    We have a sales -based business that yields a heart surgeons salary. But we are in a strange type of hell. Self pity and blame. Depressiion.

    I come from a life of adversity. Dour I want to enjoy the years left to me? Do I want to walk alone. Do I want to continue living with a drunk that goes out of his way to make me feel like gum beneath his shoe?

    I evaluated my response by looking at what I am like in business and with clients and friends. And believe me – what I observed shocked me.

    My husband and I have two separate types of people in our lives. His people and my people do not mix. Believe me that this measure is a pretty good one.

    My people can tell that something is not OK with me. Some of them suspect but haven’t said. I have not said much because if I am with him I refuse to make him look eweak or problematic in front of anybody.

    My future is without my current husband. I am moving quietly in that direction. I will lose half of the business. That is a small price to pay.

    I will rebuild. I am using every chance I get to be around successful people. The Olympics – so so inspiring.

    And I have been through worse ishunning and blame in my family of origin. It is not deserved. My husband is part of that scene. I am a slow learner but I get it now, finally.

    17 years. Almost became an alcoholic myself. That would have been truly a waste of me.

  262. bet August 2016 at 1:15 am

    Story after story feels like my own. I love my husband, even though I have not always been the best. I tried to be a better wife to him. After a decade of being together the drinking has turned to nasty lies and blame between the two of us.
    I can’t say anything about his drinking otherwise he says I am judging him. he doesn’t see how his drinking hurts the family we have. He says that everything he does is fine so drinking isn’t such a big deal as I make it out to be.
    Most of time I believe him and try to look past the drinking. Yet, most evenings I find myself hiding in our bedroom trying to avoid him drinking. I cry at night asking myself what I could do differently to save our marriage. He only seems to be interested in standing in kitchen for hours where he drinks. By the time he comes to bed he is either yelling, blaming, or feeling sorry for himself or physically in pain. I tried to have a friend over for dinner and he kept yelling out about white people being the problem and its was humiliating. Sometimes I stay out at my mothers late to avoid his drinking.
    Strange thing is that when he’s sober I am so attracted to him. I admire him and want to be around him. He is a wonderful father and amazing lover. I never felt so beautiful then when he holds me. I feel special and others tell me how lucky I am to have someone like him. I don’t want anyone else. Help me

  263. Felicia August 2016 at 8:15 pm

    I have been married for 15 years. I knew he drank when we were dating, but he’s become so angry these past few years. He is a binge drinker. He doesn’t drink except when he has a day off, which is once a week. And it’s to the point of passing out. He’s been verbally abusive. It has upset me and our child and I’m to the point that I don’t know where to turn. He’s angry about everything, and makes me feel like it’s my fault. I’m to the point where I’m taking anti anxiety medication because the anxiety was making me sick. The medicine used to help, but it’s starting to not work as much anymore. He threatens to leave, and I know I should just tell him to go, but for some reason I am always trying to keep the peace. He’s alienated me from my friends and family and I have no one to turn to.

  264. Tonya August 2016 at 1:34 am

    Well this is my first time discussing any of this out in the open. I have been married to my husband for 25yrs. When we first started dating and in our early years of marriage, my husband drank but was more social drinking. Over the last 5 years it has gotten worse. He works different shifts each week and is home in the evening with me 3 nights a week. Those nights are the ones he binge drinks on. I started saying something about it to him and he gets angry with me and starts yelling. Then I get punished and he does not talk to me for a week or two. He can either be a know it all drunk or a horrible acting drunk that yells. His dad was an alcoholic and so are his brothers.

  265. Regina August 2016 at 7:34 am

    My husband has always been a drinker as well. When we started dating I brushed it off as normal 21 year old behavior but flash forward to 33 and 2 kids later and he shows no sign of improving. He always gets completely drunk whenever we are around his friends who also drink excessively. He wont stop drinking until he is pretty much passing out or I drag him out of there. He gets really nasty when he drinks and has cursed me out and called me names in front of our two children and has even put his hands on me in front of our oldest.
    He used to drink in secret and when I found out I told him he needed to go to AA and he claims he went to a meeting and then never went back again. I am pretty much at my breaking point and it is either AA or divorce. I have ended up in the hospital recently for what I thought was a heart attack but turned out to be anxiety and a severe panic attack. I feel physically sick everyday over worry for him. I have become depressed and feel like my children are suffering because they have two unwell parents. I am choosing to do what is best for me. I love him but at the end of they day I will not sacrifice my health or my childrens happiness and that is all I have been doing.

  266. Susan August 2016 at 9:51 am

    We have been married 10 years ….. the drinking was prior to me … at first I thought I could save him, change him …. now I realize there is nothing I can do … it is all him, I want to leave, I am so drained. I feel like our whole life revolves around his drinking ….. dysfunctional mornings as he is hungover, can’t function in the real world until after 10 am, ready for a nap by noon and drinking again by 5pm …………. there is no physical abuse nor emotional …. I feel like a roommate rather than a wife. There is no sexually intimacy, his health is so poor between the years of alcohol and smoking – he can’t breath and physically he gets worn out walking across the room. Someways I daydream about life after he dies ….. he almost died 5 years ago as a result of drinking – his heart is very weak now ….. I find myself eating to cover the pain, now I worry about my health.

  267. Susan August 2016 at 2:56 pm

    I am locked in my bedroom again with my 7 year old son. It’s become standard procedure as soon as by husband comes home . He really upset my little guy who just wanted a hug . He sees rows constantly over this I can’t seem to control my anger when he wobbles in and I should know better I know you can’t speak to him when he is drunk I am falling apart I used to be better at hiding it from my son especially but also from others. I only stay alive because I have two children but I am afraid I will do it someday. He rips into me no matter how hurtful he has been previously he is incredible he is capable of thinking of something new whenever the old insults wear out . I don’t get how he gets to me so badly . Funny he has been like this for years it was only last year I put a name to it and realized it wasn’t normal . He is a very devious man. I used to be an independent business woman with my own life living in the city now I live in an isolated house gave up by business to marry him. We are now in business’s together if you could call it that I work he socialises . I feel desperate and he enjoys it so much. I do not see a way to get away from him if I could I would right now but I have no where to go

  268. Jes August 2016 at 1:52 am

    My husband’s dad was an abusive alcoholic and my husband says one day he has a problem with drinking and then the next that he doesn’t and that he’s only had a couple of beer and it’s lite beer so it’s not a problem. However he’s at the beer store almost every day and it’s been months since he has not had a day without a beer. I don’t know how much he drinks because he’s always drinking in the basement while I have to take care of the kids and make sure they don’t do something to tick him off. He blames me for their misbehaviour saying I spoil them. I feel his drinking problem is getting worse as now he is getting more and more emotional and blames everything on the kids because they don’t let us spend time together when I say it’s because of his drinking he gets defensive and repeats that their the problem or sometimes I’m the problem. He is emotionally abusing the family and has also had break downs where he’s smashed a TV or punched holes in our walls. I love my husband which is why I put up with it I am especially bothered by the smell of alcohol on him I force myself to kiss him because again I love him but in my head I’m thinking don’t breathe through my nose. The latest thing bothering him is princess costumes I bought for my daughter not realizing how much of a sparkle mess they left all over the house.. And all I’m thinking is so what the smell of booze and smoke is 100 times worse but if I say anything it will somehow be turned back on to me. He seems to think going to work with sparkles is worse then smelling like beer and smoke. I’m tired of the consistent fighting if he’s not fighting with the kids he’s fighting me. He says it’s not the alcohol because during the day he works which is true he’s a hard worker but as soon as he gets home he has to have his beer. He doesn’t like to go to family gathering cause no one drinks so he says a few hours is enough. I need help to help him but not sure what I can do.

  269. Clare August 2016 at 3:08 am

    My husband and I have been married for a year and a half now. He is a binge drinker, and is drunk at least 3 nights a week. He does not drink in front of me, and cannot/will not ever answer questions about how much he has had to drink. Last night he drank a bottle of wine while we were doing renos in our flat. He is so stealth about it that I didn’t realize he’d even opened the bottle until it was all gone (we live in a VERY small flat!) and he started slurring his words. Most evenings he works at his side job (he does a shift job 2-3 nights a week and finishes his shift around 10:30pm), he comes home almost too drunk to stand. This evening, after having drinks with a friend, he got halfway through a bottle of wine at home before I saw it and asked if he was planning to offer me any. He said that he was not planning NOT to offer me any, but clearly would have finished the whole bottle without a word if I hadn’t seen it and asked him.

    It’s really difficult not to get upset when he does this, but it always just makes things worse. If I call him out, he becomes miserable, as he is overwhelmed with guilt. If f I don’t want to kiss him or be touched by him when he is drunk(he becomes very rough, though not intentionally, but his touch sometimes hurts, or at the very least is quite uncomfortable), he looks at me like I am crushing his soul and is often fighting back tears. I don’t know what to do. It repulses me to be in his presence when he is so drunk, slurring his words and swaggering to and fro. My solution is typically to go to bed, and to have an even headed conversation with him about it the next day. I’ll have a rough night’s sleep with worry and because he snores like a table saw when he drinks, and the next day when we talk he will look at the floor, acknowledge his problem, and tell me that he isn’t good enough for me. He never says that he will stop drinking.

    He hasn’t been violent or aggressive with me, though he does get angry sometimes and become defensive if I call him out for being drunk. I have no idea what to do about this problem. I have said to him a number of times that he needs to seek help, and he always meekly says ‘I know’ and then that very same night will get obliterated, never having even done so much as a cursory internet search about how and where help can be found. I am not going to leave him. I love him, and I like being married to him, but I am far happier in this marriage when he is not drinking.

  270. cheryl August 2016 at 11:47 pm

    I have been with the same man for 37 years. He drank the whole 37 years, He,s drunk now. waited for decades to see a change. The only thing that changes is he drinks more and more as the years go by. Extremely hyper every night, extremely loud, loud yelling, loud singing,loud music, the alcohol energizes him, it does not slow him down. Extreme mood swings, He will be hyper happy, then raving mad, Goes to bed mad at the world. Literally yells himself to sleep while laying in bed. Verbally attacks for hours on end. The blaming, the name calling, belittling, berating, . try to walk away, he follows. Yells loud, in my face in my ears, spraying spit in my face and hair. Tells me I’m to blame for him being mad , I’ve lost every friend I ever had because he finds fault with everyone and was very rude to them. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks

  271. Shugy August 2016 at 10:44 pm

    I’ve know my husband 5years and married for 3years. He’s an alcoholic and now sober for 3years after going to AA. He’s been wild before married. And for me a man should have principles in life when you are married. Meaning loyal to wife be there when you needed. There’s few times I caught him flirting with women n confronted him. He admitted but said its just messages n said that’s the defects characters he has as an alcoholic. I understand the program works for him.

    Just two days ago I found messages. Had big fight and again he accusing me not trusting him. I’m not good in managing house n all. Even after talking to him he still showing his anger n saying all sorts of stuff. I’m so down for the mess I have done. It’s just I feel so lonely. He has his friends meetings and all.i work back home do mother’s job teaching feeding Cleaning house send kid to classes. When he back get all ready n he goes doing his step works..

    I really don’t know how to deal with the situation. He just hurting me again n again.

  272. Debbie August 2016 at 9:08 pm

    My Son is a Alcoholic.. When he’s drinking his life away everyday i can’t function my job. He drinks so much untill he throws up. I love my son very much. He gets emotional when he drinks he gets up n starts drinking untill he either passes out. I’m so tired of it.. How can i get him to STOP. I had to call the police in him one time because he was being very abusive tord his sister.. I tried to get him to sit down n he pushed me n i had Anxiety.. Please can anybody out there help me before i loose my mind.. I will not leave my son or throw him out of my house.. When my son is Sober he’s whole Attitude changes he’s a very Sweet n Kinded Hearted guy.. But when he’s drunk he’s personality changes

  273. Rebecca July 2016 at 8:33 am

    I am so lost, I too am married to an alcoholic, great sober, and it depends how long he has been drinking to if he’s enjoyable when drinking. We have been together for 14 years. We are a blended family, the youngest is leaving for college this month. I am a runner, and this year what i thought was a running injury, was diagnosed as stage 4 lung cancer. I will not go into all the details to keep the focus on my marriage. To rewind for a bit, before cancer, I had been through hell with him, drinking, pain pill addiction and found out he was having affairs, one that lasted 4 years, others in between and after. We split up for a few months bc i hated his choices and was so angry. He was devastated, I didnt care i was mad. I caved eventually and we got back together. that was 4 years ago. The behavior when we got back together and the behavior when i was first diagnosed was very similar. He was everything I had ever wanted and the man i fell in love with, the one that i alway hope to see and wait to see when the drinking cycle is happening. So, now sick, i feel like he wants to be everything for me and tries, then drinks and knows that he pushed boundaries, by staying at the bar, or friends, or inviting people over when i really am not feeling well. He give me guilt and throws in my face that i am mean and everyone cares about me. I am always trying to smooth things over with us. we just got back from a weekend trip. 2 of the 3 nights, i walked to the room by myself. I tried to stay fun during dinner, have wine and good conversation and it would be late about 10;30 or 11;00 and he would say he was going to go have another drink. i again am alone, in bed. the last night i woke at 3;30 am and he was not in bed. i knew he was really drunk and probably took one of my pain pills, etc. I walked this hotel and talked to the desk, the bars had closed at 1, the bars in the city had also closed, he was in a guys room. (yes, I found the number in his pocket and called the room). My medicine is a targeted treatment, so after i eat i usually have to go to the bathroom, sometimes its severe diarrhea and it takes me a little bit. I am fighting my cancer and I am winning. I had to relearn to walk after i replace my femur the cancer took, and i now walk 4 miles a day. I am very sad, very lonely and when i tell my husband this, he will often respond that “i got you baby” when he is not drinking and then when happy hour approaches which is about 3:30pm if our plans run into that time, i see him start to change, and when buzzed and home for dinner, he really keeps it going, opens another bottle of wine, get loud, and my heart is broken. what do i do? I have lost my job, i don’t want to be alone, even though i feel it most of the time, he makes me defend myself on every communication about drinking. since the 3am thing the other night on vacation he has been defiant, almost showing me he is a 51 year old man and not going to let some woman tell him he needs to find a balance. I have always been a social drinker, very outgoing fun, but not an addict, like i can stop whenever and i dont need it everyday or revolve my life around a happy hour. I enjoy it, football season etc….so i am not a hard ass about it. I feel so scared. I am scared about a scan i have tomorrow and he isnt talking to me. thats another thing he does, he punishes me, so he slept on the couch last night, and now he isnt talkig to me. I have been through everything in this marriage and have forgiven alot and he is unable to be there for me one time through this and i am so sad and scared. He bought me a new bmw the other day, and he has thrown that in my face as things he does for me, he thinks his money buys him the F you, i can do what i want. Or taking me to radiation etc is enough, i could get me neighbor to take me to radiation, i just want him to hold me and be with me and he always choses the drink and then makes me feel so bad about myself when i tell him this. I hope there is someway I can figure all this out. i am so alone. thank you, i am glad i stumbled upon this page today. pray for my family.

  274. Immora July 2016 at 7:50 pm

    I’ve been married for ten years to my husband. He is angry sober but when he gets drunk it’s a 100 times worse. He picks fights, put me down and blames me for EVERYTHING. He is perfect in his eyes. The verbal abuse is can be unbearable at times. He’s been through a lot his brother was murdered during a robbery. He lost his mom at the age of nine, hid father at the age of 12. So he is angry at life and drinks to deal with his emotions. Drinking is only a band aide for the wounds in his heart.

  275. Anon July 2016 at 12:03 pm

    My husband and I have been married for a little over a month. We have been together for 2 years. The first year of our relationship he did not drink at all. About 6 months after he proposed he started drinking, since then it has gotten worse and worse. 6 months before our wedding he started drinking even more with his friends some nights staying out until 5 or 7 in the morning. He is a high functioning alcoholic so he does not believe he has a problem. He keeps telling me that he wants to cut back and needs my help, however, when I try to restrict his drinking we just start fighting.

    I knew he had a problem when we got married. I tried talking to him. I tried yelling at him. I get so mad at him. I married him anyway because I love him so much and I was afraid if I told him that I didnt want to get married (after we had already set the date and booked the venue) that we would split up and I wasnt ready for that. So I married him, June 18, 2016. Now I am so depressed and I want to scream and cry.

    He is a social drinker. He likes to hang out with his friends and drink and talk for hours, even if he has to work the next day. He goes to friends house even when he knows that I am making dinner. Somedays when he isnt working he sits at home all day calling me while I am work and as soon as I get home he either wants to go to his friends or uncles house and drink or he wants to take me with him and go to his friends or uncles or his dads and I end up sitting and watching him drink. If I go with him and make him leave before he is ready he will sit in the garage and drink by himself. Lately I havnt been going with him. When I dont he stays out until 2 in the morning during the week and gets up the next day like nothing happened. He never has a hangover and can go to work after drinking until 2am. After I made it clear that later than 5am was more than unacceptable he comes home at 2. If he says he will only be gone for a little bit and he will be home early then its 1am. I feel like he chooses drinking over me. When I say something he asks how I can think that and how I cannot know how much he loves me.

    He is a funny goofy guy always making jokes and when we are alone he is sweet and goofy. His drinking does not affect his personality. He does not get violent or call me names. He just wants to leave to go drink…all the time.

    The last time I said something to him he told me that I was starting to act like a crazy jealous wife that wanted him all to myself and I didnt want him to have any friends or socialize with anybody. I dont know how to make him see that its the drinking.

    My dad is the same way. Does the same things only does not stay out late. Sometimes he even says that my mom doesnt act the way I do towards my dad. He thinks that because my dad does it and my mom puts up with it that it is okay. This past weekend we visited my parents. My husband and my dad left as soon as we arrived at 11am on Saturday. They were supposed to be home to grill steaks that evening. At 6pm I called and asked when they would be home and that we were hungry and they said start without us. At 7pm we went to get them and ended up going out to eat because they were too drunk to grill. As soon as we got to my parents my husband passed out until morning.

    Sorry for such a long post I just do not know what to do. I cannot live like this, yet I cannot leave him either.

  276. Kris July 2016 at 9:53 am

    My husband is an alcoholic. I always knew he drank to excess but lately it’s gotten so bad. I think about leaving all the time. We just had our daughter 7 months ago and things have gotten so much worse. He’s never gotten physical but he’s so mean when he’s drunk. He refuses to be hungover so he wakes up and keeps drinking. When he’s sober, he’s the man I married but it’s so rare that he will have a full sober day. I don’t want my daughter growing up around this but we moved across the country a few years ago and I don’t even know how I’d leave. We have no family here. We fight about his drinking constantly and nothing is changing. I feel so trapped.

  277. Stuckinabox July 2016 at 9:50 am

    My husband is an alcoholic. We have two beautiful kids together. Our boy was diagnosed with ADHD/ODD and requires counseling and medication. Our daughter was born with Down Syndrome. I am a stay at home mom. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. He has drank since I met him. He has been through rehab 3 different times to no avail. He’s quit on his own for roughly 30 days only to pick it up again. He can only go 2 days without drinking. He drinks to the excess of passing out. He has been diagnosed with diabetes and takes medicine for that. He still drinks on top of all of it. I’m ready to.walk out the door but he is the breadwinner of the family and unfortunately we live from paycheck to paycheck. I need support, I need guidance, I need to leave. I cannot handle the Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde person anymore. He isn’t abusive until we fight and then it is a push and shove situation between us both. He’s been arrested one time for a DUI and was put on probation, still that didn’t stop him.

  278. Mj July 2016 at 5:56 am

    My girl friend was a recovery alcoholic and drug user for 12 years, she have failed off the wagon and have now been drinking for 2and a half years. I have done all I can for her, but all she wants to do is drinks all days and nights if she can
    It’s have taking a toll on me because I can’t seem to think straight at work, because of the crazy things she does, leaving the door open. Hanging outside with strangers. I want out of this relationship, but she have no family her nor no where to live. And won’t try to get help for herself. Have lost her job. I need help with this.

  279. Amy July 2016 at 6:17 am

    My brothers wife is struggling with alcohol. Her dad is an alcoholic and she has always drank severely heavy. At every family function she ends up so wasted that my brother is embarrassed. The whole family looks at her badly. Additionally she is a type 1 diabetic and has several scary episodes that worry the whole family. My brother and I grew up like this with our mom. I am worried that my brother is accepting this behavior because that is how he was raised. The biggest problem of all is that they have a son. My nephew. I worry about how he will grow up.

  280. David July 2016 at 2:02 am

    I lie here in bed wondering how I ended up here. I am successful. I am smart. Every night I come home from work to a total idiot. There’s no other way to put it anymore. He loves everyone in the world but me when he’s hitting the bottle. I feel crazy. He makes me feel crazy. He starts an argument backs me in to a corner and the manipulates the situation to make me feel crazy. I’ve tried everything. I’ve threatened to leave. I’ve left. I don’t know what to do anymore. He doesn’t believe he has a problem. He treats me like scum. In fact tonight he’s passed out on the couch. I have an important event tomorrow we are supposed to be at together and he already threatened not to go. So many nights I don’t sleep upset and awake and have to put on a smiling face in front of hundreds of people cause that’s my job. I have to wake him up in the morning, repeatedly beg him to get up and get moving. He then gives me the silent treatment as if I am the one who did something wrong or I am the abusive alcoholic. He will force me to apologize just to get a sense of humility out of him. He will finally apologize with a “but” or an “I am not taking full responsibility for that fight.” He’s cheated on me. He’s berated me in front of my friends. He’s left me alone at events. He’s jumped out of my car at stop lights. He’s grabbed my steering wheel while I am silently driving him home just hoping he passes out. Tonight, I lie here trying to convince myself that I have reached my breaking point and that I don’t deserve this anymore. I don’t. Why does someone drink when they know they hurt someone so? When he’s sober he’s amazing. I haven’t felt amazing in a long time with him cause the damage and verbal abuse from his drinking is like light dog hair on a black sweater. I pull one off and another and I think I am making progress but I can’t shake them all. Each hair is a wound on my heart. I finally settle thinking well that’s enough to make it look less noticeable but they are still there and everytime I come home, the place that’s supposed to be my safe have and samctuary and more wounds appear.

  281. Chris July 2016 at 11:09 pm

    My husband is an alcoholic. We’ve been married for almost 14 years and have 2 amazing girls. He always drank but things progressed steadily. Before I was pregnant with our first child, he started staying up late drinking and looking at internet porn. When I was 8 months pregnant with our first I found out he had been having online sex, and set up an ashley madison account to start meeting people to cheat with. He would always say that he had an addiction problem and that he was going to get help. He has continued to lie over and over again. Hiding alcohol, drinking with his mother who is also an alcoholic and seems to blame me for our problems. I’m 44 years old and had a heart attack last year – complete fluke since I’m a healthy person without any risks or family history, but found out that when I was in the hospital he was going to strip clubs, getting drunk and staying out all night. Just writing all of this completely disgusts me.

    My husband’s excuse for our problems is that he thinks “we just don’t get along.” He has told me yet again that he will have a plan for his recovery in 2 weeks. I feel like I’m ready to get out of this marriage and move on. I feel like I’m not being the role model my girls need. And I don’t want them to think that the way my husband treats me is the way someone should treat them. My 5 year old asked me recently, “why doesn’t dad care about you?” They sense the tension. We have tried counseling, marriage “fitness” programs – he just doesn’t stay engaged and goes right back to the behavior. I feel like we can’t work on our marital issues unless he’s sober; but he insists that the alcohol is not the main reason we’re having problems.

    I’m so exasperated and drained. I am planning on attending an al-anon meeting within the week; I want to have real love in my life – I want to enjoy my kids. I feel like if anything ever happened to me he wouldn’t be there for me. I really think for the sake of my own health and my children he and I shouldn’t be together anymore but it’s scary to think about the unknown.

    Thank you all for sharing your stories – it gave me the courage to share mine.

  282. CW July 2016 at 8:23 pm

    We dated for a year and a half before marrying. I knew that he was an alcoholic when I said “I do” but I loved him, he made me laugh so much, and maybe I thought he would stop or I really don’t know what I thought. But his drinking only got worse…he turns into a evil, mean, ignorant, immature, destructive, verbally and physically abusive tyrant. He was a functioning drunk meaning he went to work everyday but he always saved a little wine from the night before, that he drank upon waking up. And soon as he got off, he drank. He always lied about how much he drank but I came to realize after finding empty bottles in the strangest places that he lied. Weekends were terrible and paydays even worse. I dreaded Fridays because I knew he would start an argument which I couldn’t control my mouth and would argue back and there really wasn’t any reason to be arguing…he just wanted an excuse to leave and get drunk. He would come home late that night and be out of his mind with a rage over any little thing and if he couldn’t find anything wrong with the house or dinner then he would bring up something I said whenever!. He would rant and rave, argue and sometimes jump on me, threatening to hit me and if I pushed him away from me he would say I hit him first and then wail away at me. Everything was my fault…according to him. He didn’t take responsibility for anything. His drinking got to a point where I know he was drinking on the job and because he changes into a monster I’m sure his co-workers knew it….he lost his job. Our life went totally downhill. I was supporting his pack a day cigarette habit and putting gas in his car so he could get to job interviews etc. buying food and other bills all with a very low income. He was so ungrateful. And he lost 2 more jobs after that. Then the eviction notice came. The last job was lost because after a long weekend of him being drunk, verbally abusive, threatening and destructive, keeping me up all night, I couldn’t take anymore and called the police. He was arrested and had to spend 4 days in jail before going to court for domestic violence. When I got to the courthouse the domestic violence advocate asked me if I wanted to have the charges reduced. I agreed, with the stipulations that he be made by court order to get treatment for alcoholism, anger management and take domestic violence classes. That was 3 months ago…the court (probation dept) has not followed thru to insure his compliance and he hasn’t complied at all. So he started blaming me for all of that and losing his job because of the 4 days he couldn’t go to work. All of this is 5 yrs almost to the day that we started dating. I finally left. I put my belongings in storage and moved in with my mom…couldn’t afford to get my own place because his drinking and getting fired ate up my paychecks. Ive been here for about a month now, got my number changed, I do not call him, he comes to my window and asks me why I am doing him like this! I’m starting to feel normal again. I’m not tired anymore. I know my life is going to be so much better especially with my children and grandchildren. none are his. I’m so glad I finally got away from him, had tried a few times and always took him back…not this time! I see my previous life in most of your stories. There is so much more ugliness I could tell you but you probably already have an idea. When you are good and tired of the life you live, the stress and tiredness, you will leave. Good luck to you all. Sorry for any typos

  283. Leslie July 2016 at 6:22 pm

    Wow i am speechless, yet i feel comforting in knowing i am not the only one going through this. Every one of these stories sounds just like my reality. I have been with my husband for over a decade and some change, only married for five of those years. I dont really remember him being a heavy drinker in the beginning, but he was i just didn’t think it would ever turn out this way. He always has to have a drink from dusk til dawn. If he cant have his liquor he will go get beer after beers from the corner store. Things have gotten physical more than once, where one time he could have killed me. He is always sorry, always makes excuses, will always turn it on me, he refuses to get help. He will get mad at the littlest things to have a reason to leave to go somewhere to drink. He has had two accidents, one where he was arrested and his license was suspended and had to pay fines, and still claimed he wasn’t drunk. Just a week ago he came in from work stayed in for about two hours left and never came in til the next morning, and had another excuse for staying out, no call no show. I do love him, but i am so tired of the excuses, and im sorries. He just keeps repeating it over and over and over. I am mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained. I pray for him, but i cannot save him, he has to want to save himself. We have two sons together and share eight children between us. Every one knows about his drinking. I dont know why i continue to stay, again i do love him, but he has done and said some horrible horrible things to me. Plus i believe in honoring my vows, but how much more do i have to endure. What am i teaching my boys by staying and having them see how unhappy i am, they know the difference, they see everything. I want my peace of mind back. I dont know who i have become anymore. I have survivors quilt. I am ready to leave, but is it the right thing to do. What about me?

  284. Chris July 2016 at 2:56 am

    my wife doesn’t drink everyday but when she drinks she makes dangerous and impulsive decisions, generally lies about it, and turns into an abusive psycho. She doesn’t need 8-10 drinks, just one or two and her personality and judgement change. She drives our children home from her other stay at home mom friends who all seem to use play dates as a reason to have day time cocktail parties. I don’t know what to do.

  285. Kimmie July 2016 at 9:00 pm

    Hello. I am living with an alcoholic. I am grateful that he is not physically or verbally abusive but he turns to alcohol to cope with stress. We’ve been married almost 25 years and it has always been lurking. His family are all high functioning alcoholics except his mother who is an enabler. At one point, he did get violent and destroyed dishes and other things in our house. I left and that was a turning point. We saw a counselor for several years and he quit for 2 plus years without even a drop, but he slowly began drinking again. It might be a beer or two or a glass of wine or two. When he is around his family he really drinks in excess and last time he got in a huge screaming match with his brother. He has no friends and suffers from anxiety. Our marriage is suffering. There is very little intimacy. We have always enjoyed the same same things, but now due to physical challenges we hardly leave our house except to work. In an effort to improve his life he chose to changes jobs, but now he is drinking every night and it terrifies me that it will only get worse. I feel so alone and when I try to talk about it with him he says he doesn’t want to, that he can’t defend himself against me and doesn’t think it’s a big deal to have a couple drinks in the evening to relax. I feel sad that he feels he has to defend his drinking against me. Maybe it isn’t a big deal, but it doesn’t feel good and creates an even bigger wedge in our intimacy. I always hang on and try to ride it out, but I find myself so alone a lot of the time. He doesn’t want to work on out marriage at all any more and I wonder why I even try. I just want a marriage where two adults are present and support each other in good times and bad in a respectful loving manner. I don’t think that is too much to ask. I prefer it to be with my husband because he does have a lot of really good qualities, but I just don’t know if living this way is what life is meant to be. I think like should be joyful and I idon’t feel joyful when he drinks. I pray for clear divine guidance.

  286. Sarah July 2016 at 1:23 am

    I read all these stories, and I begin to realize I am not alone. However, do I understand being married to an alcoholic can make you feel alone.
    My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, and have always been drinkers together. However, when I found out I was pregnant with my son and my drinking came to an abrupt end, I quickly realized how much my husband really drinks.
    My husband comes from a very dysfunctional family where issues are never discusses, and major problems go years and years without being addressed…or addressed at all. Sadly, the effects of his up bringing and his earlier years of life have affected him, and he now suffers from anxiety and depression. He also works for a very stressful, competitive company, so the additional stress of work leads him more to feeling anxious and depressed, and (sadly) leads him to drink more.
    Anytime I try to address the alcohol addiction/abuse, he immediately gets defensive and calls me names. He makes me feel crazy, and pushes me fight more and more until I feel like the crazy one.
    With our son only being 16 months old, I am afraid to let this situation get any worse. I want to help my husband and I want him to realize that I do care and love him, but while he is drinking, he only sees me as a monster. I do not know what more I can do. I feel CRAZY, but I know I am not.

  287. Holly July 2016 at 9:56 pm

    I have been dealing with my ex’s drinking for 30 years. We were together 13, have 3 grown kids. He has never had a place of his own. He has trouble renting because of 4 PFMA’s he got when we were together. He now has Hep C & Cirrhosis. The thing is he always ends up living back at my home because he is homeless. He stays with people for awhile but eventually they ask him to leave. This last time he had been in Alaska with his brother for 6 mos to help him quit drinking and start a new life. He kept on drinking and his brother sent him back. I told him he could stay with me for a month or so but he could not drink or be drunk here. He went on a runner for a week then came here and slept for days. He is a great, caring person and the hardest worker I’ve ever known and he keeps getting his feelings hurt when people decide he cant stay with them anymore. Tonight he was drunk again when I got home from work and I blew up at him, again. I hate the person I become when he does this and the feelings of guilt I have for the mean things I say. What really gets to me is WHY me , why all these years does this keep happening? I know he cant control his drinking and all I’ve asked is he NOT come around when he drinks but it’s like he doesn’t care about my feelings at all. We are not together, as a matter of fact I have a boyfriend who doesn’t know he stays here. I want him to go so bad but I feel bad for him at the same time. I want a life of my own without this obligation I seem to have to be there for
    him. When he is sober he does all kinds of things to help me around the house and gets so hurt when I freak out on him because of his drinking. I feel like I have no control over my own life. It sucks and I’m tired.

  288. Kate July 2016 at 10:16 pm

    My husband and I have been separated for over 2 years now. I am grateful he continues to pay our mortgage note as that is the only involvement he has with us. We have two beautiful daughters who try to love their dad, but he left them and one is “hard” towards him and the other “cries for his attention”. He never involves himself in their lives unless his family is involved and then the girls don’t know how to respond as he has had no involvement with them.
    Recently, he called panicked as he was throwing up blood and I told him I would be over taking him to the ER. He declined and “nursed himself” back to health. Today he is an ornery jerk again and explained that the reason he threw up blood was because of his personal life.
    He calls me for help, I am there to help me, he declines, and then is aggressive when the phase passes. His family is of zero help.
    Tough, just very very tough and keeping my kids out of harms way is tough.
    I wish I knew what to say or do.

  289. Lisa July 2016 at 10:26 pm

    It is something else to read these comments and see the repeating theme.

    I too am in a relationship with an alcoholic. I have never been to so many liquor stores in my life.

    My husband has passed out on the street about 4 times in unsafe areas because he was so sloppy drunk that Angels brought him home. Good Samaritans that recognized him fro
    The neighborhood! This has happened at different places that we lived!

    He used to be so much fun and everyone wanted to be around him even though he drinks too much. He drinks before work, before church, before cookouts and funerals and social visits. Beer and dark liquor.

    He has lost weight and now doctors are getting ultrasounds and blood work to see how bad he messed up his kidney and liver.

    U don’t know who is going to show up, the drunk or the sober. It hurts like hell. The abuse, the embarassment the shame And anger

  290. Claire July 2016 at 5:11 pm

    My boyfriend has just been arrested for assault on myself and also a colleague at work. We’ve been living together for a year and a half and in the beginning it was truly wonderful. I felt so lucky, I’d found this wonderful man who appeared to adore me.
    However, I started to realise that there was a problem with alcohol. He stayed out for hours and hours on end, often returning the following day. The last few weeks have been hell. He became verbally abusive, controlling, paranoid and demanding. His mood swings were horrendous, even though when displaying this behaviour he wasn’t always drunk.
    Unfortunately the worst happened and he physically assaulted me. I decided I couldn’t take anymore. I’d been threatened and was scared to go home. I decided to go to the police and get the assault logged. They took the decision out of my hands and informed me that because I’d reported an assault, he would be arrested.
    Anyway, the police have just left my property after having the locks changed and a panic alarm fitted. My ex is not allowed anywhere near my house and will be arrested again if he try’s.
    Alcoholism is a dreadful disease. I tried everything to help my ex and attended Al-anon meetings to help myself and how I react to the substance.
    This is the most difficult time I’ve ever had in my life. I still
    love him dearly and really hope that he’ll get the help he needs, unfortunately only HE can do that. There’ll be no going back for me. I have to look after myself and my daughter and move forward. I wouldn’t wish alcoholism on my own worst enemy. It certainly is a family disease which affects everyone involved.

  291. DJ July 2016 at 12:21 pm

    I have been married to an alcoholic for almost 3 years.
    I never knew what alcoholism was until recently.
    Makes me feel very sad, actually depressed that so many people are going through exactly the same.
    In my case, I am a foreigner and met my husband in a trip to US and from that moment I started traveling back and forth to see him…I felt it was beautiful and kind of a love story that I enjoyed for 2 years almost. I used to drink with him socially nothing exagerated or anything big. I thought his behavior was a little bizarre to me, but as I said I didn’t know what alcoholism was or couldn’t recognize symptoms…in other words never saw the Red Flags. We kept this relationship for 2 years until I decided to move to US…we finally got married! One month after our wedding our problems start to erupt like a volcano…he will go in and out of drinking binges for 3 days, then they increased to a week then more…they will happen every 3 months …now they happen every 3 weeks …I think it has to do also with the fact that he has an extra deep depression in his heart since his oldest son committed suicide last year in november. Our marriage is a total mess…a disaster.
    The only reason I came to this place was to get married and be happy…have a beautiful family but is not happening.
    Like some of your Husbands mine can be a doll a sweetheart when sober, but as soon as he grabs the bottle their is an evil something that invades him:it is scary and bad! I have been abused emotionally and psicologically. ..not phisically yet but anything can happen with someone like that.
    I have tried to help him; I have been in more hospitals during this 3 years than in my entire life …Detox rehab. …you name it.
    I ran away with my dog to an apt that I rented on my own …he went after me convincing me that he was gonna get better : Not true!
    Bunch of lies and secrets…I am sick of it all.
    I love my husband ….I meant marrying him but he needs to get his life together and get long term help otherwise this is not going anywhere…and Who can actually deal with that?
    As all of you, he blames me for every single thing, he puts me down and belittles me (especially because I guess I have the “disadvantage” of being a foreigner..)…makes you feel sad and you wonder if it is true what he is saying, but is not!!! We are great beautiful people.
    A couple of days ago, I asked him to take his stuff and move out of my house…I am walking away from him. I need time alone away from the insults and bad words the walking on eggshells …the terror of every day wondering if I will sniff liquor…afraid. I rather just be by myself.
    Thankfully I have a little Job and I am a crafter so I have managed somehow surviving in this country. It is very hard to function to do anything.
    I pray for all of you that a miracle will happen. That hearts will soften up and that situations will turn around…I pray that we will find Peace in the midst of the storm. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

  292. Janice July 2016 at 7:26 pm

    I have been dealing with this for about 27 years…sick of his drinking..absolutely hate alcohol….he says he shouldn’t be told what he can and can’t do….I only asked him to stop…he turns it into me focusing on the bad he does and not the good. He is a pest when he drinks…constantly seeking approval of everything he does or has done that day…those are not the only concerns I have tho….he takes several medications which in themselves are hard on the body…alcohol is not a good idea with those….I don’t know what I’m going to do but I have had enough of it.

  293. Debbie July 2016 at 12:14 pm

    Been married for 13 years, second for both of us. From what I have been told, he came from an alcoholic relationship. 4 out of 7 days, he drinks to excess. He usually passes out but gets very agitated about all things. Drinks by himself if we don’t have company.

    I try to keep peace by agreeing with him, keeping opinions to myself and generally leaving him to himself. He works from home, loves when we have people over but not much for going out.

    He is the most loving and caring person the other three days, but once he starts drinking he can’t seem to stop. When I suggest that he stop, most of the time he does but is very grumpy about it.

    I wish I knew what to do.

  294. karen July 2016 at 2:20 pm

    My husband of 34 years is a secret achoholic. He does not hurt me physically but he does emotionally. We have 3 children one is married, the second is on his own.My 3rd son is 11 years old and in grade school. My husband works as seafarer for almost 20 years. During his vacation after being at sea for 6 months, soon as he arirves he starts drinking too much beer. He starts with few bottles and continues when he wakes up. Rest awhile and wait till its almost afternoon and there he goes drinking again. He tells me excuses that he never had a drink for 6 months though but i told him im not in favor of what he said. For his 2 months vacation, i would say we are glad to see him home, happy perhaps but not the reality. I now realized he is selfish in the sense he never got involve himself bonding with his boys. He does not pursue them to do outdoor activities like playing basketball or walking them around. He prefers to stay most of the time at home, cooking and preparing food. Its his defense mechanism so as for him to stay home and does freely his drinking spree. Now that he could not be hired as he is in his retirable age. It was a big confusion on my part. He never told me of his optional retirement. I felt i am now at the point of my most difficult situation, i thought 1 to 2 years more so we could save some money to stat up our farm. Now i always cry almost everyday. We don’t have any saving, worried of my son’s schooling and our everyday needs. How could i go about this? my husband could not provide yet he goes on with his secret drinking now not beer but liquor- in expensive one. I knew he had almost done with the whole bottles i could smell the awkward smell of the liquor. Yes i always confront him that end with an argument. He use to moan or hurl badmouth that i tell him to stop. My son is a smart kid, he is an intelligent student at grade school, i am just worried he knew what going on. He is just taking time to perhaps confront his father. He did at one time and he said will you stop drinking beer or ill put them in the garbage. He checks on the ref if he finds beer inside he will surely shoot it in the garbage. My husband ask for sex of which i make excuses of having stomach spasm, when he ask for sex and i smell the liquor in his breath it will im going to puke, it is very disgusting and i hate him a lot when i see him drunk anf falls asleep like a fetus. As if his body transforms, i hate it. I’m now the bread winner, i handle my time as a Sales Consultant. I tried talking with him in a peaceful way to cooperate with me but he secretly drinks still… What should i do?

  295. Noelle July 2016 at 10:27 am

    I have been married to my husband for almost 13 years now. When we first met he was living in a halfway house when was a recovered addict. We are Christian and are very committed to our church life or at least we were done. He begin drinking again about two years into our marriage when his sponsor die of cancer. Since then it has been a very downhill Battle of hymn using and abusing not only alcohol but other drugs. As of the last five years it’s been alcohol and marijuana. We also have A7 year old daughter. There is much more to this story but I don’t want to use up all the space here. Long and short of it he is very emotionally abusive towards me. She makes me feel like somehow this is my fault or at least he used it. I know better and I’m not stupid I know this is not my fault this is his choice butt I don’t feel at peace about leaving him either. Believe me I’ve tried. I’ve separated from him he went to jail once and we were very close to getting the divorce I had the papers ready to go but just never followed through. He has this way of manipulating me into believing that he can and will stop and so I forgive him. Maybe I am stupid after all. I just want our family to be together and I want our marriage to work. He is a wonderful when he chooses to stay sober steals from me and spend every last dollar we may have once he gets there static bug in him I just can’t continue to live like this everyone tells me to leave him and I guess I should but I just don’t feel right about it for some reason I have to have peace with my choice, right?

  296. Laura July 2016 at 12:02 am

    My husband and I have been married for 3 years..together for about 11 years. We are both older…he in his 60s. He has always been a social drinker…life of the party. In the past year his drinking has increased to almost a bottle of wine anight…and now harder liquor. He gets drunk at night watching TV and is jovial at first but invariably one little thing will set him off into angry mode. He becomes verbally abusive and won’t stop. He stinks of wine and liquor at night and totally turns me off. It’s becoming more frequent. I planned on spending the rest of my life with this man. When he is sober he is wonderful to me…have 0 tolerance for the Jeckyl and Hyde. I plan on demanding counseling or AA. Life is too precious at any age.

  297. Ewure July 2016 at 5:42 am

    I recently got into a relationship with an extremely amazing person but a DRUNK also. Am only 21 and he is 23. At his age the amount of alcohol he consumes is a real big treat to his health.

    I knew about it since he opened up about passed life of heaving drinking and smoking under the influence of a cousin. Trust, i did not know it was this bad.

    This alcohol thing is so new to me i have no idea what to do. I feel leaving this relationship will be disheartening since everything about him is perfect BUT his drinking habits. Whenever he is out with friends they drink heaven and earth. Just last night he came back so drunk and smelling terrible. He could not drive and could not even find his way up the stairs. I feel am too young to play the wife role of a drunk,cleaning puke and trying to take care of his sick ass is a little too much for me at this age. As i speak he is so passed out since dawn after countless vomiting which smell so bad and very disgusting only to be told he drunk an entire crate of beer and other liquors.

    Staying up to take care of a drunk boyfriend, i never dreamt of it. I have no idea what to do. There is so much to life than taking care of his sorry ass. Am unable to sleep by him when this happens and he verbally abuses me with terrible words. I ignore because he is drunk.

    My problem is he too young to be this way and i really wish i could help but not with scrubbing sinks and bath tubs always.

    All other factors make me want to stay but the drinking habits is becoming too much as well as substance abuse. I mean this is a very bad combination. I have no idea what to do

  298. Abandoned July 2016 at 11:10 pm

    My heart goes out to any and all who have lived with the emotional and/or physical abuse of an alcoholic spouse. Married for 13 years husband was a very heavy alcoholic along with addiction for the first 8 years and the past 5 years have been a constant struggle with relapse after relapse. I’m not sure which was worse knowing who and how he was in the beginning or the last five years hoping he would change to only be let down each time when the alcohol/addiction took over. It would break my heart to finally see the man beneath the addiction to only have him dragged away in a split second over and over again. I finally came to a point in my life last year and told him to choose his lifestyle, you guessed it! He hit the door running, short time later he had heart attack and quadruple bypass. I thought for sure this was Rock bottom as he laid in the hospital asking for forgiveness and said “I don’t want to die” I brought him home, helped with his recovery to only discover he was drinking again two months after his surgery. He once again said he was going to do better, few months later he failed drug screening, again I forgive and moved forward. This past few months I’ve noticed I’m loosing patience, I’m tired of his lies, manipulation and his family telling me “sickness and health” “till death do us part” and “suck it up” when they have no idea of what this life of mine is like. I love my husband more than I love myself but he has left once again because he did not want to walk a straight line. Ive spent countless nights and days crying my heart out and all I can say is the only thing he will ever give his life to is his addiction because it’s slowly killing him everyday. I love and miss him dearly but no matter what I can say I was a good wife to him but no longer can I give him the best of both worlds. I am a human being and I have feelings too. My prayers to all!

  299. Frustrated July 2016 at 6:29 pm

    Wow these comments really reflect what I am going through. Ive been enabling my unemployed husband for 20 yrs. He uses coersion and is very controlling untill he gets his way so I dont even argue anymore. I felt like I couldnt leave bc our son who is 21 has severe autism. Bt being so overwhelmed with that an the emotional abuse he has put me thru my self esteem an mind just didnt feel empowered to leave. Now I am a nurse and my son has improved. I find myself quite lonely and have almos tty had a few affairs but knew that wasnt going to fulfill my desire for companionship. He is the only one who helps and understands the that way he does work bc my son needs supervision. If it wasnt for him it whould be a little easier to leave. He isolates me and talks down to me but also we love eachother and he treats me good alot too. Hr refuses to leave or change I may decide to leave or evict him for a cgance to start over

  300. michele July 2016 at 9:35 am

    My husband is an addict and an alcoholic.
    Just a few nights ago, he drank himself into a stupor with his 13 yr old Son right next to him on the couch. It was humiliating for me and has been several times before now. We have been together for three years and he’s been an addict since I met him.
    Early on in our relationship he admitted to ‘huffing’ paint, which devastated me, but I basically turned a blind eye to.
    After working in the middle east for the last year or so, he has been getting drunk almost every few days and I mean horribly drunk.
    He gets mean and loud and it breaks my heart when he is on his binges.
    Not sure what I was thinking or feeling when I decided initially just to ‘look the other way’! he needs to quit for him, for his family and for us, or I won’t stay! I do know that I’ll be ok without him in my life, but I want him to be healthy and happy-without the liquor or the drugs!
    -signed, Very frustrated

  301. Heather July 2016 at 7:06 am

    My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. He had some issues with pain killers and alcohol after an injury in the military. He didn’t drink when we met. He started drinking about 2 years after we got married. I honestly don’t know what triggered it, but I wish I knew how to make it stop. It’s gotten worse the last year or so. I can’t stand to be around him when he drinks, the kids hide from him too. I don’t know what to do. He’s a wonderful person when he’s not drinking. He always has an excuse as to why he drinks. He knows I hate it. I’ve tried everything. I’ve begged him to get help. I’ve yelled, screamed, nagged, cried. I’ve tried reasoning with him, bribing him. Nothing works. He might stop for a few days or a couple of weeks but always goes back to it. He becomes a horrible spiteful mean drunk. He’s never hit me, but he definitely likes to say horrible things to me. I don’t want this life for my child. (can’t do anything about my stepson-that’s up to his mom) We don’t have sex often because really, who finds that attractive?

    Spring cleaning this year, I was startled by the number of liquor bottles I found hidden everywhere. He lies so much, especially about his drinking. Why do they think we don’t know they are drinking? Do they think we are stupid or do they really think they are fooling us?

    He says he knows he has a problem, he says he’s going to quit. He’s said that so many times, I don’t believe him anymore.

    I think he thinks I won’t leave. Maybe he doesn’t care.

  302. Sonya July 2016 at 3:52 am

    My story is quiet the same as pearls , I have been with my partner for 2 years it started out ask he was binge drinking as a result he signed himself into a rehab 4 3 months . It was great he was like the perfect fella but as soon as he left it started again but a lot worse he’s gone from a bindge drinking to full on none stop hides his drink thinking I don’t no even though now it’s got that way I can tell over the phone his whole ora changes he to is like jekyl and Hyde I could be sat there not saying anything to him having a go at me over anything. He constantly having a go at me about my ex partner so everytime he comes for his son there’s a constant battle with my partner , it has got to that stage now we’re 2 weeks ago he gave me a black eye I was devasted he smashes the house up the constant lies saying everybody else thinks I’m great it’s just you and I’m starting to question myself !! He gets drunk and wants to be intimate but I can’t even stand him to touch me I can’t even bear to look at him . I have to wait till he’s coming down off the ale for us to even have a conversation but then he’s depressed says he’s bored that’s why he drinks but he’s had numerous job all of which he has lost cos of the drink I really don’t no what to do ??

  303. Jyotish July 2016 at 8:29 pm

    I have been with my partner for almost two years now. In the beginning we both enjoyed going out and having fun with drinks included. The difference was that she would take the drinking to far and not stop; always the last one standing. If I tried to end the night she would become very mean to me. This continued off and on with gaps in between until it escalated into her being trashed on a night when my daughter was home, drinking so much that she couldn’t get out of bed for Mother’s Day, drinking at work and always making me out to be the wrong one when it comes to drinking. I have hit a wall. I feel done but yet feel like I am wrong to give up on her because she has a disease. Any words of wisdom?? Peace and Love to you all.

  304. Lera July 2016 at 10:15 pm

    It is really hard finding myself writing here and being to some point unhappy with my life and fed up with my husband’s drinking. I am at the point that I just want to leave and don’t look back. I can’t say everything is very bad now, but reading all the stories here and know my dad who drinks all his life – it is going to get worse with my husband and I don’t want to waste my life… I want to be free of all that and be happy, do things that make me happy and be surrounded bu people who make me happy.
    We married for 3 years and we do not have kids. I love my husband a lot, he is smart, interesting, he likes to learn new things and do things for the house, he has hobbies and friends, he is kind and funny. I love being with him when he is sober and we do a lot of things together. BUT he likes to drink, and in my opinion he drinks too much.
    When we met 6 years ago it was summer and we both were on vacation – I saw he liked to drink, but I did not think it would be really TOO much one day. I always thought it can’t happen to me and my husband because I already have one alcoholic in my life – my father.
    Seeing my father drinking while growing up made me strong and I decided for myself that I will never be an alcoholic or smoking person and I will never marry one. I drink like one light beer very rare and completely against smoking. But I married my husband who is an alcoholic.
    My husband likes to drink on Friday night, likes to celebrate the end of a long week, he gets 6 pack of the strongest beer IPA and drink it all. He can’t just have 1 or 2. He will always finish it all and whatever else we have in a house and crash on a couch. Or if it’s not enough he will drive drunk to get more. And a lot of times next day he will be to lazy to get up and have a productive day so he will go and buy more and start drinking early in the morning. It all can last 2-3 days completely being shit face and have no participation in our life together. And then he will wake up, tell me that he got to get his shit together and will start doing normal things like nothing happened. Like he was doing normal thing by being drunk for days. He drove completely drunk so many times I can’t even count it. He embarrassed me in front of my friends many times being stupidly drunk, falling on the ground, throwing up, even trying to hit his own best friend with no reason. He screamed at me while being drunk. He left our dog outside in a middle of a night while crashing on a couch. He hides alcohol in a house and drink it after I go to sleep…. it’s so many things that I can’t even believe I am still with him. And of course sex is not even there any more, I just don’t feel the same and can’t do it remembering him being disgusting drunk. I feel like I have a child who is going through rough teenage years and I have to babysit him and explain his what is good and what is bad… so sad… I want to have a man in my life who is always in control and takes care of me!
    When I talk to him about it he does understand that he should stop. His dad & mom used to drink a lot and he is saying that he has learnt it from them and he has emotional trauma from childhood. I do understand it, and that is probably why I am still by his side thinking that he needs my help and I can help him…..
    He promised me so many times to stop, but it always starts over again. When I start realizing he has a problem I was trying to explain to him that I will not live with him being drunk like that. I need companion in life who will be there for me always, emotionally and physically. He tells me he understands but it always goes back to a little bit and then a lot of alcohol. I asked his best friend to talk to him and he took my husband to AA. He came back, was crying, he said he would do anything for me and he will stop drinking because he doesn’t want to have future like other people at AA left by their wifes. Well, it was over a year ago and things got even worse.
    It is so hard because we are young, I am 27 and he is 32. And in my opinion he should not be like a crazy teenager drinking and partying with no reason, by himself most of the time. But he should think about the future, our future, start thinking about future kids and what to do to be strong for them and be a good example.
    I will keep trying to talk to him and help him, but I have a feeling I will just have to leave one day. I can’t leave right away because I do not have any relatives in this country and I never told my relatives that my husband has a problem. I also can’t afford to go on my own right now. So my plan is to work hard, get a promotion I am waiting for, find a place to move out, and then just DO IT! I know I can, I know it won’t be easy because I am like all of us here LOVE my husband and want to be with sober him. But I also can’t waste my life by his side if he decides to drink the way he does. I pray for all of you to find peace and happiness.

  305. Sherry July 2016 at 6:56 pm

    I have been married for 20 years . My husband became a chronuc alcoholuc about 15 years ago. He is verbally and physically abusive. I have tried to save the marriage because of our 2 kids. He has had many seziures because of the drinking. He was suspended many times because of drinking. He has attended AA meetings and was even an in patient at a rehab. He had 3 major accidents due to being drunk. I am so fed up. I serve him with a letter to move out but he has refused.

  306. Julie July 2016 at 10:45 pm

    37 years married to my husband, and half or more he has drank, and used drugs. Disappeared for days at a time. Had affairs. Got fired for drunkin bad judgement, manic behavior , then drinks heavy and disappears except drunkin phone calls to me blamimg everyone else are the problem. I want to leave but depend on him financially. Plus, my grandson depends on us and livrs with us also. Depression is dragging me down.

  307. Milly June 2016 at 10:18 pm

    My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He’s in denial. Clearly I’ve been in denial too, but I plan to stay vigilant and mindful and hope I can inspire others to do the same. Erectile dysfunction, snoring, broken blood vessels on his face, and minimal concern for his health or appearance, a Dr. Jeckyl Mr. Hyde issue when drunk, elevated liver enzymes and still drinking…I know better. I don’t expect him to change or ask him to. I need to end the relationship. His qualities have made it difficult but I know the addiction will taint anything that is good, I will grow resentful, and feel even more alone. It is time to go! I pray for the strength to do what I know is right, to carry it through, and not look back.

  308. Martica June 2016 at 9:40 am

    Hi All,

    I am in the same situation. My husband does not drink everyday but when he does he abuses me mentally and verbally. He can’t stop drinking. I have been to a point where I don’t go to any social events because he will say I am only have 2 beers and then after that party stops at the store to buy more. He will stay up until 5 am in the morning drinking. Won’t let me or baby sleep. He threatens and me its just a dysfunctional place.

  309. Cheryl June 2016 at 9:02 pm

    Hi, it is nice to know that I am not alone in my situation.
    My husband and I have both heavily drunk throughout the six year’s that we have been together. My husband also suffers with some form of borderline personality disorder. He takes anti anxiety tablets to help with this.
    We have gone through domestic violence episodes, police intervention on both of our parts an affair a few years ago on his part.
    In the run up to his affair, he was unmedicated for his mental health problems and was continuously emotionally abusive to the point of me feeling that I was continually walking on egg shells, having panic attacks and feeling agoraphobic on my days off and not wanting to leave the house. One day I decided that quite frankly I could no longer stand the sight of him. So I distanced myself and told him that I would not be going anywhere with him with his embarrassing and stressful personality outbursts of anger and aggression in public. Not long after this decision of mine, he changed his job his grandmother died and his elder daughter was expecting his first grandchild at 41! That is when his affair started. Long story short I told him goodbye and good luck he can have her. He fought to win me back. Plus we bought a house with his inheritance under the condition that it was 50/50 or I walk.
    Around that time we went through counselling which on my own I found helpful together I felt was pointless.. I found some great books and worked through so many of my issues by myself. These books taught me to think with my head not my emotions, and that you have the power to choose your thoughts. Also to walk away from drama and not fight back. This has been great and we got through that hurdle in our marriage.
    Since then I was told over Xmas just passed that my levels of alcohol were far too high and that blood tests showed that my liver, kidneys and my thyroid were not looking good at all. This kicked off dry January which initially I found to be difficult but completed it successfully. Since then I rarely drink wine and alcohol is weekend only, not weekdays at all anymore. I have also been focusing on eating better and have gone down two dress sizes in less than six months. This has been great, however now my husband is constantly moaning at me and trying to taunt me into drinking more again. I also now notice the secret drinking, lies to his family about drinking ie he stays deliberately sober around them. This makes me furious. I have spoken to him and asked him to stop as he is a pig when he drinks, but this just seems to make him want it more. He recently decided to deliberately stop his mental health tablets on holiday and was drinking vodka in beer and scarring the he’ll out of me driving too close to the cliff edges! Any advice… When he is sober he is the best and I like all of the other aspects of our life. However recently I cannot stand being near him when he has had more than a couple of beers or deliberately stops taking his crazy tablets! … I have told him this too.

  310. Star June 2016 at 9:27 pm

    My husband is an admittant alcoholic. Before we met, he had been to treatment several times for alcohol abuse. He had been sober for about 3 or 4 years before we met. I admired that he was able to beat it and was committed to his sobriety. We married after dating two years, only to find out that he’d been lying about his sobriety. I found a near empty glass of gin on his bedside one day after coming home from work. He lied about what it was at first then admitted to it being the gin he found in an old suitcase. Later, I found out he would start drinking as soon as I left for work. It seems he felt as if admitting to the drinking opened a floodgate because then he would drink every day as soon as he got home from work. I’ve had to leave functions because he’d call me and was incoherent, sending questionable messages like he would hurt himself. I was so disappointed in not just him but myself. I promised never to entertain an addict after having one as a father. Now here I am. I feel so stupid and annoyed with myself. Our sex life is just about over because I hate the way he smells. It’s happened so long that I don’t crave it at all anymore. I’m enraged when I find him drunk and just want to leave. I love my husband but I hate the drunk. Now I’m starting to hate myself too.

  311. Kay June 2016 at 7:52 pm

    I’m having such a hard time I been with mine for 8 yrs and the drinking has just gotten worse, I feel like when I talk to him I can’t really s sprees my self because we will fight. And then he will use that as a reason to drink. He use to care when he hurt me, but lately no emotion. He has things hes going through and through it all i always am here apologizing when it’s not my fault just to defuse a fight or get him to come home. He really walks all over me. I need help

  312. Vicki Osheka June 2016 at 11:35 am

    Met my future husband in Sep 1998, he is a functional alcoholic. He retired in 2008. During those years he drank, lied and blamed everything on me. I educated myself extensively on alcoholism and in 2009, I told him I was leaving. My health had deteriorated and I was sick of it all. He said he would go into intensive outpatient therapy….which he did for 3 months. It saved his life. He was sober for 7 yrs. Last year he started drinking in Feb 2015, by the end of the year he was drunk 5 out of 7 days….I left in Jan 2016.. in April 2016, he almost died of alcohol abuse, hemoraged through his esophagus and is still trying to get his health together. He had been in and out of the hospital 3 times , including ICU for 3 days and a total of 7 units of blood. Now …all I hear is I love you, come home, I won’t drink again…I know I have to be sober. I care for him but don’t have a desire for any repeat performance. I feel quilty but I have come to like a stress free environment, less money, but more peace. Also wonder if he just doesn’t miss me cleaning, mowing the lawn, etc. He makes me feel bad, but I have to think of myself for once.

  313. Nolan June 2016 at 1:00 am

    Been with my spouse for 21 years…she never drank to any degree until she was 41…then it started…she is a very sweet innocent person but the bottle gripped her in a way I never seen addiction do… 2 impaired charges, even been tracked by her cell phone with the police to find her. Found her one night at a local park…in the complete darkness hiding in a bathroom using the cell phone for light…a person that helps spiders out of the house. So what do I do now..I rid loosing a large portion on what I have worked for if we split…means the retirement I wanted is gone…I’m stuck…I live at work in my motor home and go home on weekends…try to not get mad…the same stories you read happens with anger, frustration, and to top it off all her family blames me for making her that way…guess for me when your cornered you have to reach out…after 12 years in finally being pushed to go a different road…and it’s hard

  314. Jillian June 2016 at 1:00 am

    My husband is an alcoholic. He told me fourteen months ago he had a problem, and I told him I would help him through, but that I couldn’t be with him if he kept doing it. My grandmother on my moms side was an alcoholic, she abused pain meds, and committed suicide in 2005. My mothers brother was just placed in a rehab facility for drug abuse, and my dads parents and some of His siblings have trouble with alcohol as well. To the point we had to leave family events, like thanksgiving, when they brought out the liquor.
    My husband knew all of this, and even after telling him I couldn’t be with someone like that he continues to binge drink alone at the house. He has told me that all of this is my fault, and that he shouldn’t be a problem since he’s never hit me before. I don’t want to wait around for him to hit me before it’s acceptable for me to leave. I love him, but I also pity him and despise him all at the same time. We got married last July, our one year is coming up and it will be spend apart. We went to counseling last Friday and she asked him if he wanted to take a substance abuse test, he unsurpringly said no, so she gave it to me. I asked him to take it that night and he answered yes to 7/11 questions which stood for severe dependency. He told me anyone would have that many and it was a dumb test… I only had 2, and I asked several others and each answered two or three. He is in denial, but every time he can he emotionally abuses me and I’m at the end of my rope. I think divorce is in our near future.

  315. Sandra June 2016 at 1:42 pm

    I have had a friend move in 4years ago to help her she could not afford a rental on her own , a friend of 30 yrs. I am married 35 years, we are only social drinkers once or twice a yr. She works everyday, make good money, pays 500 for rent up from four years at 400 a month, I have sold here my mother’s car at half the price after mom passed , I lived with mom for 10 yrs as her caregiver and worked 45 yr retirement and 24 7 care for mom the last yr. I have been home now for a yr. And can other believe her. 9 16oz a night down from a 24 or 36 pk. A night I feel used and disrespected she knows how I feel about her drinking and killing herself on beer. I’ve had enough, I am not her maid service, she says in her room drinks tv goes all night eats in her room and when she feels like it fills my sink with dishes. She washes her on clothes but always leaves her clothes in dryer of washer. It is affecting us all. She has two dogs big dogs I have 5 and a dog door, she has swept the floor two times this past year, eats food and buys some food thinking she is doing good ,frozen meals, I cook fresh and healthy, if replacing what she binges on its always a lower quality of what she gorges on. Had enough, hate to end a half a life of friendship but enough is enough. She has spent 9 months at Mar for drinking, that was 20000 plus dollars. Am I wrong for my feel this way, we are planing a house meeting this weekend, I guess it will be er decision to stop or leave after that. Any thoughts or help? I’m 63 she is 53 and my husband 60. He has been so kind putting up with this, but he has stayed in the woods hunting visiting a friend and working in his shop, I didn’t know it was this bad for so long. I am a my wits end. Help

  316. Kelly June 2016 at 9:30 am

    Iv been married to my alcoholic husband for 4 years nearly, together for 6 years. When we met I fell pregant pretty quickly he blamed his alcohol and drug issue on going threw a bad time getting divorced 18 months previously. But he never stopped drinking. We relocated to Spain and mostly things were OK until he would just say he’s going to the shops and not come back for 24 or 48 hours sometimes longer his cocaine use got more and more and I’d find him in some awful states then he was so bad I got him admitted in little hospital where he was kept sedated and rehydrated until his body had recovered then we took him to rehab. Rehab did really help but he only lasted 6 months then he wanted to be normal and drink with friends or be social. On and off now for 2 years nearly it’s getting more frequent but very also discovered that he goes to brothels now he’s says it so he can get a steady supply of Coke until he’s kicked out. I don’t believe him. 10 weeks ago I had to call an ambulance and the police to go find him as he didn’t know where he was and he couldn’t breath properly and last night he did it again both times Iv found him to be by a brothel again. Today Iv asked him to leave. We are now expecting our third child. I’m heartbroken he’s wonderful man when he manages to be sober. But at the moment I’m just feeling like he’s a really good liar and scammer.

  317. alyssa June 2016 at 9:02 pm

    I’ve been living and unliving with my husband for 10 years. I’m 36 and his 51. I have dealt with this man more than I can possible count… I have been hit on twice and been to jail because of his lie saying I hit him so he can get are money to go drink on…. He, as promised me this last time crying and carring on how sorry he was and he will never ever drink, again. As, I set here telling this story he as been drinking once again…. He, as threaten me and mentally abuse me. Yesterday, I was lucky to get away for the fear he was going to hit me. I waited to return back home cause it’s my home not his and no telling what he will do to my home. I’m fed up. He, is the best person u can know when sober…. It, tears my heart and soul up to see him like this but times I want to take that beer and shove it down his throat that his momma can feel it in her grave…. I’m at a point now I want him gone…. he will not stop for no one and he as no care for no one… he can’t love me if he can’t love himself…. Cause I don’t want no more jail time on lies and my house become a dumpster….. I’m sick and I need out…..

  318. Linda Norman June 2016 at 6:44 am

    I have been married for 43 years. The first 25 years my husband was violent towards me. I called the Police many times and he was cautioned. Now he is alcoholic. He drinks and leaves me for weeks on end. Comes back in a bad way and I forgive him. My 3 older children dont talk to me because of his behaviour and because I didnt leave him. I feel at my wits end and dont know who to turn to. I have no self confidence and want to harm myself because I am hurting so bad

  319. Tas June 2016 at 9:52 am

    My boyfriend is a binge drinker. He doesn’t do it often anymore but when he does he is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Sweet and loving at first, then after he goes over the limit he verbally abuses me. He calls me all sorts of names. Embarrasses me in front of my friends, his friends, his family. He had shots with his brother one night and they called me to pick them up and when I got there he was giving me the finger and glaring at me. So I locked the front door. My daughter was in the back seat. His brother doesn’t black out when he drinks so he was fine. He got in the back. Then my boyfriend punched the back window 3 times where his brother was and my daughter started screaming. So I let him in because I was scared. Then he started calling me all sorts of names in front of my daughter so I told him to get out of my car if he’s going to talk to me like that. So then he opens the door and kicks it like 15 times. Practically laying down on the seat while smashing his legs into the door. Everyone was scared. He closed the door and his brother said to just go. My daughter was screaming and crying and his brother was trying to make her feel better. I dropped his brother off and went home. A few hours later my boyfriend made it to the house and banged the window so I let him in and my daughter was still up and frightened. I told her to lock the door and wait in the washroom. And let him in. He seemed to have calmed down a little. No more verbal abuse. I only forgave him because he said he would quit. But slowly he has been starting up again. I stay at my parents when he drinks. I want nothing to do with it. And I told him that I promised my daughter that if he ever did something like that ever again we would move out. But every time he drinks now I feel so much rage over it because of what happened that night. And to top it off I am pregnant. I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before he ends up blacking out around us and does something inexcusable. He feels like the only way he can let loose with his friends and brothers is to drink but he is an awful person to everyone when he drinks. He doesn’t know when to quit. I don’t know what to do. But I may have to break up with him. Even though when he is sober is a wonderful person.

  320. Stressed newlywed June 2016 at 7:41 pm

    I need help! I got married in october an when he isnt working he is usuallt drunk. He is verbally abusive towards me. I dont know what to do?? Where can I get help??

  321. Helen June 2016 at 8:31 am

    Hello everyone. I’m glad to find this site thinking that I am not alone. My husband and I were married for almost two years. I’ve never known his problem with alcohol not until after marraige. He is older 12 years from me and I was expecting him to lead this relationship. Sadly, it’s not the case. He is very gentle and good hearted when sober but so different when drunk. He always broke his words and really hard to believe him. I sometimes asked myself if I need to stay or leave this relationship. If things doesn’t change I don’t see any future on us. I am glad that we don’t have a baby or else it would be so difficult to deal with. He is very aware that he has a problem but sad thing is he can’t decide to change his habit. I am very affected and suffer a lot. I am just 30 and decided not to stay forever like this. Nobody wanted a broken marraige but if it is the only way to save myself I’d rather go with it. He become physically and verbally abusive to me. I’m trying my best to help him but it’s hard to help someone who has no interest and dedication to help themselves.

  322. Kris June 2016 at 10:54 pm

    I’ve been married decades to an alcoholic. I wish I would have believed more in myself to leave in the first year, not keep wasting my life hoping he will get better. Now leaving is even harder and more emotionally painful.

    If you are reading this and questioning “should I go?” my answer is a resounding YES! get out while you still have time and some of your sanity. Seek counseling to help you get through it. You can do it.

  323. Gus June 2016 at 11:25 pm

    I have been married for five years to a wonderful woman that unfortunately can’t control her drinking. It’s been a roller coaster, stop and go, and just getting worse. And the last three weeks she’s been heavily drunk at least four times. At times, she has admitted having a prom and be willing to change. She made one of these many commitments yesterday, and today to started to drink and did some of it behind my back. I had checked and open bottle a few minutes earlier and realize the position of the bottle on the content had changed. Not surprisingly, she denied it and as usual attempted to shift the argument towards something owls trying to blame me. Today once again I left home and I’m staying overnight in a hotel. As I read the stories others, yes there is a familiar pattern. We have discussed many times divorce and I have threaten to leave her many times. However, I believe this time I am seeing things more clearly, sadly accepting the fact that this will not change. I plan to extend my time out of the house for a few more nights to help me detach and separate. It is so challenging to go against the grain of my values that includes not abandoning our love ones. Also, accepting defeat is difficult. This is been a terrible experience that has caught me by surprise, totally unprepared. I guess that my best option is to just bite the bullet, I guess that my best option is to just bite the bullet, accept the reality of what I cannot change, and move on to regroup and pursue a new life. I really wish all of you and myself the strength and clarity to make the best decision that includes protecting ourselves.

  324. Lee June 2016 at 10:02 am

    I plan on going to my first Al-Anon meeting this week. I have been with an alcoholic for just over 10 years. We have been apart at times due to his drinking and abuse. I have had to move 3 times because of it. Ive been losing sleep over how I could be so stupid to have taken him back. I’m afraid of him, and he always has something to hold over my head (financially, or our daughter), combined with tears and empty promises. The last time he hot down on his knees and cried and said he’d go to AA. That lasted a year, until he announced that he is not an alcoholic, I am too controlling, and he’s going to do as he pleases. The verbal abuse has started and now he’s going after my daughter with it too (saying she’s the reason we fight etc.)
    I’ve told him to leave. He won’t. I’m horrified that my child is living in this environment. Trying to remain detached and not get angry over the financial mess and the things he says isn’t working anymore. I need some support. As you can imagine, I don’t have a support system left. Family and friends gave up on me years ago because I have “chosen” this. And I did. But I finally understand that he will never change, this situation will always be what it is, and I now choose to not be in it!

  325. stupidwife June 2016 at 2:37 am

    l have been married for 31 years to a man who had stopped drinking about as times in as many years. He cries, begs for forgiveness, I forgive and he straightens up. Last Christmas he blew his job, was fired and has not worked for 7 months. He sells a gun or two to get money to buy booze, he fell down drunk in the bathroom, cut the heck out of his arm, bled all over the bathroom floor, shower, toilet, wall, and sink. He left the bathroom looking like a bloodfest, then said the dog tripped him on the stairs. He stumbles all over, he drives drunk, and of course lies. I have spent so many years trying to be supportive and understanding but I can’t do it a anymore. He has nothing but an old truck I paid for 16 years ago. Sometimes I wish he would just die in his sleep and then worry he will fall down the stairs and brake his neck. I’m such a bad person and pray everyday for God to help and forgive me, to help me be a better person, but it’s hard. Thank you for letting me vent, I go to work everyday to keep the bills paid and have lost 25 pounds. I am thinking of getting a second job, but I’m 62 years old.
    Our children are raised but still have one daughter at home finishing up her Masters in Education and am paying for it. He is not physically abusive but like many alcoholics thinks he is more intelligent than everyone else. He has even stolen money from my son and daughter. I am torn, he will die if we leave him, but he’s killing me and our family, our children tell me they hate him. I know they love him, they just don’t like him, and I don’t blame them.

  326. Lainey June 2016 at 3:38 am

    In desperation l write this post. My partner was in the forces for 24 years but developed a drinking habit. Usually a very loving man (When sober) – I love him dearly but his behaviour has now become unacceptable.
    Last week we had the week off together and both agreed what a lovely week we had. Saturday morning as l was getting ready so we could go out in the afternoon l asked if he could cut the lawn – A very small lawn l may add! What followed was anger swearing etc as he cut it then when l came down he had taken his self off. Rather than apologise he has taken himself off ALL weekend and I have only had a text to say he is staying at his place of work for a couple of days to calm down. I have found out from his brother that Saturday night he drowned 2 and a half bottles of vodka with a male work colleague – He popped back home yesterday and made himself food, did a couple jobs from his own free will but refuses to talk about his actions then off he went again… Silly reason for starting I know
    I have asked he not return to the house until completely alcohol free and willing to talk – Can anyone give me some advise or guidance

  327. Rozanne June 2016 at 12:10 am

    These stories sound so much like mine. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. I feel like he’s stuck in his high school party years and they never ended. His mother died due to alcohol related problems as well as his sister. We have a grown daughter who is married and recently had a baby. We both have had enough of his drinking as he turns into an entire different person. He’s so argumentative and belligerent when he drinks. It just turns me off completely. When does somebody like this finally realize they are not the life of the party anymore and it’s time to grow up?

  328. Marcia June 2016 at 8:35 pm

    My husband and I have been married for 34 years. I met him when I was in college and he was the most incredible man I had ever met. I am familiar with alcoholism as my Dad was not only an alcoholic but a pediphile. One of my brothers is a recovering alcoholic and has been for 25 years or more. I have learned a lot from him. Not to mention I have attended ACOA and went to therapy for years to deal with my childhood. You think I would have recognized the symptoms in my husband before I married him but I was young and knew very little about alcoholism then. I should have left him years ago but didn’t because I had young children and no place to go. I have stayed with him to this point because I love him and it is easier but I don’t want to die like this. I am 54 years old. I know alcoholism is a progressive disease and it gets worse. I don’t know how much more I can take. I want to give up everything and leave. And that would be a lot. I am frightened because I have never really been on my own. Even in college my parents were taking care of me. He has given me everything I have ever wanted just about and I feel guilty leaving him now but don’t know what else to do. I cannot make him stop. He did for a few years several years back but started again. Not sure what to do at this point but leaning towards running for the hills.

  329. Joy joy June 2016 at 11:41 am

    I have always been reading stories here about alcoholic husbands since notice this on my husband 5 years ago.on the 2nd year of our marriage I already move out of our house with my son and left him since I cannot stand the shame he is giving me when he is drunk.He followed us and promised will stop drinking and I believed him since I also need him to look over my son when I’m at work but as days he met new friends and invited him to drinking sessions which he can’t refuse.The drinking habit came back again.i kept him for 3 years caus he is nice when he is not drunk.I even told him I will join him on his habit and drink as well if this is really a part of our life which I never did anyway being a Christian. Add all of the stories here are correct.they lie a lot, they berate you,they threaten,they will lower your self-esteem.last night I finally gave up.I asked him to leave the house.I always ask him to leave each time we had a fight but instead of him leaving he tells us that we should leave so me and son would leave and wait for a couple of days for me to calm down and forgive him again.As this went on I noticed he’s not respecting me anymore no matter what I say.he continued with his drinking sessions and abused my patience.he doesn’t spend anymore to help me for the expenses at home but spends on drinking.this time he left I hope he never will come back.i told him I hope he dies while drunk.i told his relatives my agony with him.i begged them not to make himcocome back anymore.i love my 14 year old son I don’t want want him to be affected anymore because of my wrong decisions.he is my 2nd husband.i hope I hadn’t remarried.i hope I won’t be so forgiving and believe him again this time.

  330. Anita Cohen June 2016 at 4:17 am

    I need advice alcoholic spouse unacceptable behaviour swearing and generally bad behaviour can’t hold down a job down.

  331. molly June 2016 at 2:09 pm

    my husband and i have been together almost 17 years. we were young and broken, we each had our own problems…but in the time we’ve spent together he has overcome addiction to cigarettes, alcohol, and meth. he has come so far since we’ve been together that we just recently got married, and we otherwise have an amazing relationship that inspires others. although the drinking started again prior to our wedding, he had expressed regret and swore it would not continue. he even made me write up an agreement that indicated alcohol was out of the question in our marriage, which i was in agreement with, but it was his idea.

    since then things have spiraled downward. after the first 3 weeks of marriage he got drunk, screamed horrible things at me, and kicked me out of our house 3 times in about a week and a half. then promised not to drink anymore, or at least not to do it around me, and i offered even to stay away when he wanted to drink, because i didn’t want him to have to do it for me…and ultimatums rarely work in these instances. instead, within the week he completely ruined my birthday, and then told me not to even come home after dinner with my sister because he wanted to drink instead of spending it with me.

    since then things have been very up and down, and we have been married for 3 months today. when he drinks around me he is cruel and unkind on his best days, and on his worst i am almost always told to pack my shit and leave…almost always, for nothing at all. one of the times it happened i was sitting doing exactly what he wanted me to do, and just for no reason he started screaming at me and throwing things. i am very careful not to do anything to trigger him when he’s drinking…in hopes i can keep him happy and fun and not end up thrown out in the middle of the night.

    i try my best not to enable him, but getting in the way of his right to drink is usually the best way to make sure it goes as badly as possible. it is sometimes extremely difficult to hide my fear and anxiety when he starts to drink, which is often enough to take things right down the path i want to avoid. he usually expresses remorse the next day and wants me to forgive him, he apologizes and promises not to drink anymore at least for a while. it often lasts a few days. sometimes though when he wakes up to me crying he instead picks up right where he left off the night before and belittles me for being a baby about it, is grouchy the whole day, and is usually well on his way back to drinking within 24 hours.

    i want to spend the rest of my life with this man. he has already overcome so much, and there is more good in him than anyone i know…but the alcohol turns him into the opposite of his true self. our youngest daughter is still at home and she is as angry with me for staying as she is with him for drinking. i keep promising her that i’m going to make it better, that daddy has again promised to quit drinking…and every time he lets us both down. i do not want to leave him, and i do not want to continue to let her down.

    he has never laid a hand on me, but sometimes the things he says to me and the way he treats me feel just as bad. it makes me literally ill. i shake violently and become so nauseated i can barely sit up straight. my blood pressure spikes, my lips sometimes even turn blue from hypertension, i get severe brain fog and can’t focus or maintain.

    i truly believe we can overcome this, but i realize i can do nothing more than love and support him and do my best to hold him accountable. my only other option is to leave…and that will destroy me as much as his drinking. i’m determined to find a solution, but at this point i’ve tried everything i know. i grew up in an alcoholic family and didn’t want any part of it. i don’t drink much myself, especially since it only makes me look like a hypocrite if i do…and i never want to be off my game when he drinks so i can minimize the damages.

    i can’t do this forever. i hope someone has advice to offer that can help me save my marriage. i’m clearly not the first to go through this, and i’m guessing someone somewhere has come out of it successfully. i refuse to believe that ending my marriage is the only way to fix this.

  332. Patricia June 2016 at 9:49 am

    I am 56 years old. “Combined”, my husband and I have been married 33 years. I left him once. We divorced for two years. During that time we worked on rebuilding our life. I wanted nothing more than for him to quit drinking, or at least have it under control. He worked hard to get me back but here we are again. He drinks a significant amount every day starting as early as noon. He is retired. When he drinks he is insensitive and simply unappealing. I relate to the gal’s comments about the smell of stale alcohol on his breath. It’s getting worse and yesterday he said something extremely inappropriate and mean to our daughter in law who we dearly love. I’m not sure if things can ever be the same with them and with us. At this age I dread splitting up again, financially or otherwise so I am not ready to give him an ultimatum. I bury myself in work, friends, crafts, working out and my kids. I am bright and independent and angry at myself for getting into this situation again.
    I feel like i should have known better and failed. I am starting to feel more empty and lonely every day. Trying to figure out next steps.

  333. Rose June 2016 at 9:38 pm

    My husband of 2.5 years drinks liquor daily & has a whole bottle often. He’s always been a heavy drinker, but it had gotten worse in the last 6 months or so. I used to enjoy having a drink or 2 on the weekends but now I’ve completely stopped drinking because I have to watch his alcohol intake and put all my focus on him. Life has changed so much. He’s never put hands on me but he frequently breaks and throws stuff in a drunken rage. He threatens suicide when I tell him I can’t handle his drinking anymore…I know I shouldn’t say that to an alcoholic, but it’s so emotionally draining dealing with all of this. We now have a 7 month old daughter thrown into the mess. If it wasn’t for her, I probably would have left quite a while ago. It kind of sucks that I couldn’t really see his true colors until now. I really love him, but he’s not the same person I used to be in love with. Sometimes I think about having a relationship on the side and then I feel so guilty
    for even thinking that. But right now my husband and I don’t have a relationship. He is married to the bottle and that’s it. Life is so lonely when you’re married to an alcoholic, but I can’t be the only one who has had these thoughts… I’m so envious of other people’s seemingly normal relationships. I just want our life back before alcohol took my husband from me.

  334. Alex June 2016 at 3:40 pm

    Here it is: What my life looks like after getting involved with an alcoholic. People are complex, capable of a full range of personality, emotion, desire, intention. Alcohol is single-minded: its only goal is total destruction. It hurts, it tears, it’s cruel, it’s selfish, it’s narcissistic, and it’s completely unable to look at itself critically.

    My time with an alcoholic has eroded my self esteem, it has sapped my energy, it has sucked me into an emotionally and physically violent drama, it has made me question myself and my fundamental values, it has made me believe that I am worthless, it has made my want to die, it has harmed my performance at work, it has taken my attention away from my own personal interests, it has made a mockery of my love, and it has funneled all of my resources into another human being who is only capable of taking care of one thing: feeding the addiction.

    On Monday night, May 30th, I called my mother and her boyfriend to come over after my alcoholic husband punched me in the stomach and would not let me out of our apartment. Together, we forced him to leave. He stayed with his brother that night and has done so since. I’ve offered four times since he left to take him back on the one condition that he quit drinking effective immediately. These offers have been received with hate and rejection. He cannot stop.

    I’m devastated at the loss of the person I love most in this world. I’m hurt and confused and I want him back with me more than anything. But, I am beginning to accept the full toll that a year and half in an intimate relationship with an alcoholic has taken on me. Now, I must focus on myself and heal. I have not yet attended a meeting. I will go to my first meeting this Sunday.

    This has been very helpful to write out. Thank you to anyone who has read it.

  335. Michelle May 2016 at 11:20 pm

    I have been with my common law boyfriend for about 14 years. When we first meet & stayed together he began work in the oilfield. After work he would drink a 6 pack of beer or so & this continued daily. I didn’t really recognize the signs at first just that he said he needed to decompress after work. To be honest I’m not sure how this became normal for our life? The first signs I recognized was he was emotionally withdrawn at times. I wasn’t sure what to think? Often I took it personally. I thought maybe there is something wrong with me? Years later, it’s still the same it hasn’t changed. He still drinks everyday after work. Over the years he has gained a great deal of weight & now has sleep apnea. He wears a mask to help him breathe while he sleeps. For the past couple of years we have slept in separate rooms. Many many times I feel so alone. Alone in the world. I don’t tell many ppl our problems. I do go to counseling, alone. It’s has helped me a great deal to reconnect with my personal power. Currently I am still in this relationship. We have 2 sons together. 5 and 7. In many ways he is amazing yet in others he is not. At times I really feel confused and alone. I am 37 year old woman with 2 degrees I enjoy fitness and I do not drink. Yet I am stuck in relationship that does not serve me?! I pray often for God to help. What do you do when you love someone who can’t seem to help themselves? I pray I can find my way in this real human struggle. It is challenging and lonely experience.

  336. Mona May 2016 at 6:42 pm

    Been married for 35 years of which the last 20 my husband has drank. He has lost his family, now his job and I am going to a divorce lawyer on Monday. Get out asap. They never stop. There is no one that Dan help them but themselves. Don’t ruin your lives as I have. Now 60 and single. Lost the best years of my life!!!

  337. forever young May 2016 at 8:32 pm

    I have been married for 28 years with a man that I knew he had a drinking problem. I thought that one day he would change. Time has passed and we are getting older. I want to end it but it is so hard. This man that has giving me 28 years of his life. He is my best friend and the man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. It has gotin harder to see him waste away. I know if we don’t end this it will slowly kill me inside. I think sometimes if I leave he might kill him self and I will have to carrie with this. He drinks and he does not bother me at all but just to see him like that he does not touch me all he wants to do is drink. He is a great provider he is a high function he has never miss work because of his drinking problem. The doctor said if he does not stop drinking he will die ,but he does seem to care. Our kids are grown and say that he will never change. I think sometimes that life is not perfect and it can be worse. But I don’t want to live like this no more. We have talk about getting him help but he says he is going to aa meeting and does not go. Sometimes I think if I leave he will change or die. Don’t know what to do.

  338. Kim May 2016 at 4:06 pm

    I too live with an alcoholic. When he is sober he is a wonderful man but the only time he is sober anymore is before he goes to work. He drinks with his boss they quit work early and start drinking comes home already drunk. He goes out all day on Sunday’s and drinks with his boss. He gets upset when I don’t have meals ready for him. He has never hit me but, has hit walls etc. he is verbally mean talks about my weight gain in the mean time he has lost a lot of weight from his drinking. I don’t feel like I can do anything right anymore. Don’t know how much more I can take. I am 54 this should not be my life.

  339. Susan May 2016 at 11:15 pm

    I am so lost. My husband and I have been together for nine years. We have two children. He has always had substance abuse problems, I just never wanted to confront just how bad it was. In the beginning of April, while he was very drunk, we got into a fight regarding his paranoia thinking I had feelings for another man. This has been a trend in our relationship. He thinks I have “fallen in love” with other men when there is absolutely no truth or evidence to support it.
    He kicked me out of our home. I’m back in our home, but he refuses to talk to me or even look at me.

    I found out, through someone else, that he has been going to AA for a little over a month. He is around 34 days sober. He still refuses to speak to me in person. All communication is through txt or email. I still love him so very much. He is a good man, struggling with a huge issue. I do not know what to expect or what will happen. I’m trying to focus on fixing myself, and getting back to who I really am. I don’t know what I should do, I don’t know if he really loves me, or if he has totally written me off as his wife. I do not know anyone who has gone through this, I am all alone.

  340. Julie May 2016 at 6:57 pm

    My boyfriend is an alcoholic. We’ve been together almost a year now. When its good, its great! But when its bad, it is really bad. He’s gotten alot better than he was but I don’t know if he’ll ever stop. His father was abusive so his mother kicked him out when he was just a few months so he never met his father. At the begining when he got drunk he would throw things and punch walls. Now he accuses me of cheating and yells at me. I broke up with him multiple times and last time I told him he needed to cunsult and stop drinking. He agreed to this but the last time he called a social worker he was drunk and made her cry, so now I just don’t trust him. He refuses to go to AA and he said he’d try the hotline again but then told me they refused to have him call again. I don’t believe him. My hearts says that he’ll keep getting better but then again my brain says to leave him. I’ve been in a mentaly abusive relationship before so I don’t know if it’s heading down that path again. He IS getting better but is it going to be okay or is the cycle just going to start again?

  341. joan May 2016 at 9:28 am


  342. sassy May 2016 at 12:17 am

    My name is samantha I’m 22 soon to be 23 been in a relationship with the father of my kids since I was 15…
    I’m living life with an alcoholic he has 2 dwi charges and recently got pulled over again but let him to thank God..

    My mind is constantly in over drive, hiding my keys wondering what the day will turn out to be I’m so young and I’ve been through so much emotional abuse through it all I’m slowly losing myslef we have 2 little girls 6 and 4 and it makes me sad they have to go through it also…
    I love him he’s perfect when he’s sober but when he’s drunk he’s someone else he’s hurtfull he’s selfish and most importantly he’s angry and hateful. As the saying goes when things are good they’re great and when they’re bad it’s bad..
    More bad memories than good sad to say..
    My the best morning he’s sorry crying begging for us back..its allbminf control I feel guilty I come back for the kids and at the end of the day it all ends up to me getting hurt and disrespected I pray God hears my prayers I can’t find the strength to get up and leave before its to late…

    I’ve been let down. Lied to..put last…mistreated…I’ve been through it all I cant help but think is this this my whole life leaving miserable what did I do to deserve such love I do everything right and still im wrong..

  343. Sad wife May 2016 at 10:57 pm

    After reading so many of the comments, my heart hurts. I’m so sad to think that MY husband may be (I’m in denial) an alcoholic. I feel like i want to save him but i can’t. I feel like turning my back on him and running would make it even worse for him so i stay. I’ll wait for his usual apology to come tomorrow morning. I’ll sleep in a different room again to avoid the pointless arguing tonight. I can’t stand the smell of stale alcohol on his breath. Most days he is a great husband, father and provider. But tonight he drove home again when he shouldn’t have and said he was on the way home knowing he wasn’t. Hours later he makes it in the door…i want to cry because i was worried but i want to yell because I’m mad he put me through this again. I don’t know what to do.

  344. Melinda May 2016 at 2:10 am

    My children’s father and I were young parents without support. When his mother passed away, his drinking became horrible. First with the verbal abuse, then the physical abuse – even in public. It’s strange to see normal people, good people, look the other way.

    After a couple more years, I planned my exit strategy. By this time, he had 2 DUIs and no job. I convinced him to separate by giving him my car plus $2,000. And it worked! He would still stop by my house and job to harass me, but I pretended to be happy to see him and I had to run an errand. A couple times I had to tip off the police.

    Another couple years went by, my kids were 5 and 6, and he passed away. It was his birthday and he was walking in the road and was struck by a vehicle. It was very difficult explaining this to the kids. I’m beyond blessed they only have good memories.

    Since then I’ve been married and now have a 2 yr old. The kid are 10 and soon to be 9. My husband is showing alcoholic tendencies. He’s at 2-3 cases a week. I do not drink because he’ll drink more than usual. He’s not mean, and he has a good job he goes to every day.

    If I mention how many he’s had, he gets defensive. I have this horrible pit in my stomach. I do not want to see this unfold again. The smell of his breath brings up so many bad memories-I can’t help but compare. And now I’m starting to resent him.

  345. Nancy May 2016 at 3:31 pm

    I have been married for 9 years, my husband is an alcoholic and 20 years older than me. I am 28 he is 48. So the sex doesn’t go well with us.
    He drinks about 9 to 10 beers every day after work.
    I am always making the excuse of thinking that things will change. I thought when we were dating that once we get married he will change, after we have a baby he will change, when we become financially stable he will change always to come back and discovering that no, things will not change and things have not changed for the better.
    I wonder if I will have to live like this for the rest of my life, will that be the example or the father role that my son will grow up with.

  346. Kendall May 2016 at 8:39 pm

    My husband and I have been married for 6 months, and together for 3 years. His drinking habit started a little over a year into dating. It possibly started because of me, among other little things as well. I have had my mental problems, and could drive my husband insane a lot. However, I am much more mature and better than I used to be, thanks to God and my husband, but now my husband just drinks just to drink, and doesn’t have an excuse anymore. He has gotten physically abusive with several times, the most recent being a month ago and was by far the worst. I literally had to escape from my apartment because he wouldn’t let me leave. I ended up calling the cops but didn’t press charges. Our priest friends were kind enough to help me set up a place to stay for a few days with an older lady. My parents know what he’s done, and were very forgiving. I was too, and moved back in. However, my mother is very adamant about not giving him any more chances. She doesn’t know he’s drinking again, and I don’t know if or when I should tell her. If my husband loses his job, this will be the 5th time he’s lost a job due to drinking. I’m not even worried anymore. We’ve been through this so much that I just don’t care anymore. If anything I hope it will wake him up. I am so angry and frustrated with him. He is a liar and a monster when he’s drunk. I feel like I am just riding his wave and wonder how long this problem will. Now, all I can do is trust in God to help us.

  347. Lori May 2016 at 8:31 pm

    I have been married to my husband for 27 years. Drinking has always been part of how my husband deals with stress at work and a bone of contention since the beginning of our marriage. He is also a workaholic and derives all his pleasure from work or drinking. He is a closet drinker, always hiding his bottles where he thinks no one will find them. I stopped pouring out liquor many years ago after coming into Al-Anon (member now for 8 years), and realizing this doesn’t work. My husband has been close to death a few times and into the hospital 3X to dry out. He has changed jobs a number of times and always seems to land on his feet, even though his employers have given him warnings, followed by more chances. Spring and Fall I was always a single parent, due to his long hours in agriculture industry. I just got used to doing everything at home, in order to keep my children as happy as possible, and myself in denial and “fulfilled”. My kids have always been everything to me and now that they have left the nest I lavish my 14 year old dog with love and attention I wish I had or could give. This disease is so devastating for everyone involved. My grieving process shows no end in sight as long as I stay in this marriage. I need to look after myself and am thinking of leaving him, sad as that makes me. I need courage, strength and wisdom more now than ever before. Prayer helps, plus the incredibly strong women I’ve met in Al-Anon. Change is so hard.

  348. Daniella May 2016 at 11:14 am

    I am married to an alcoholic and the road is getting worse by the minutes. We have a 4 year old daughter who has a rare genetic disorder and a step son . We are the 4 of us under the same roof.
    I try to Make the kids see the less of they possibly can , my 12 years old step son is well aware even tho he doesn’t ask any questions , I am afraid he will truly believe that’s how a man is to grow up to be. A dad that can leave for days at a time because of alcohol leaving us al behind.
    To grow up to think that’s how a relationship works a man Able to do whatever he wants to.
    From cheating to alcoholism to be influenced by his peers to go drink to who drinks the most.
    I’m truly trying to hold on to the good days but they are showing up less and less, alcohol Always have to be involved otherwise is not fun.

    He drinks to the point he passes out and can’t get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom , I wake up to a wet bed on weekly basis , sometimes several times in a row. Who cleans it all up me? I haven’t been doing that lately.
    I have been hiding tears falling down my face so the children don’t see it. He has missed important events such as my birthday , Father’s Day or his birthday because he would get up and drink and not come back or when back he would be beyond drunk.
    He has shown up beyond wasted to a school meet for our daughters who has needs.
    He has shown up to the nicu 24 hours after she was born wasted. And who he blames me. I know I’m not the one to be blame. But hearing when you done talking I’ll come home . Or when you are done talking I’ll stop drinking . I know it’s not my fault but the blame hurts . I have forgiven the imanagible, most would of left for a lot less.
    I have found him in a bar with women , seen texts and photos and I still hold to that great man that is slowly consumed by his alcohol . I am mentally drained physically too exhausted to fight.
    I am not with him for financial reasons , truth is I believe I would be more stable without his alcohol. My heart is speaking louder. I want to help him but I know I can’t help Someone that doesn’t see he needs help. I’m tired of sleeping on an empty bed or with a drunk man.
    I am tired of holding the family together when he can’t see past his bottle. I’m just giving up hope because I don’t think there is any left

  349. Sarah May 2016 at 4:21 pm

    I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 9 years and together for a total of 12. I’m guessing he’s been an alcoholic since his late teens (we’re both 45). He can be highly functioning a lot of the time, however, his terrible behavior continues on and on. I knew what I was getting into when I married him. I might mention that I am a non-drinker. When I met my husband I saw he was a heavy social drinker, as well as someone who enjoyed drinking while at home. However, since he was highly functioning and very loving, caring amd a good provider, I chose to marry him. Although he was a heavy drinker, he somehow managed to make it appear as if he could lead an active and relatively normal life. As we’ve gotten older, his drinking has only increased. I’m guessing he’s drinking 18-20 alcoholic beverages a day (beer and shots of hard liquor). I’m so frustrated with him. He is the first to admit he has a problem, but does nothing to improve the situation. I worry about him constantly. I spend a lot of my time alone, as he is up at the corner neighborhood bar and grill with his “friends” drinking each and every afternoon (he is financially secure and we both retired at 40). When I bring up the subject when he’s sober (which is a very limited window of time) he gets irritated with me and says “yeah, yeah, I know” and then blows off my comments. I do not nag him, I do not enable. I live my life and allow him to make his own choices (always with hope he’s going to make some changes), but lately he has been demonstrating behavior that is even more disturbing to me. He has always been a very truthful person, if nothing else, however, he is starting to be a little more sneaky about his drinking (hiding hard liquor bottles in cabinets, the freezer, staying up later at night watching television so he can consume more, saying one thing and then doing another. I love him, but I’m not in love with him. I feel like he’s just wasting his life with the drink, he doesn’t care and I can no longer compete with that bottle of beer or shot of liquor. It’s so frustating. I feel isolated, alone, empty, fearful and angry. I am not sure what to do next. I’m sick and tired of his childish antics, of how he treats me when he’s drinking (he’s verbally abusive and is always looking to pick a fight–if I ignore him and refuse to argue he continues on making up ridiculous statements to try to engage me.). I can hardly stand for him to touch me anymore and the smell of stale liquor radiating from his body absolutely turns my stomach. I am very depressed from all of this. My family knows he drinks, but I don’t think they really understand to what extent and I am embarrassed terribly by all of this and I do not want to discuss it with them. I know I need to talk to someone, I just don’t know where to begin.

  350. Haley May 2016 at 3:45 am

    My husband and I have been together for a decade, all of which he has been drinking. I didn’t realize he had a problem until our son was born and he promised to quit. Needless to say, that never happened.

    He works very hard to support us and is a wonderful person. Like all drunks, he is terrible with the attitude and name-calling. He starts fights for no reason and will say or do anything to get me to argue with him. He breaks things around the house in a drunken rage. When he is sober, I see such pain in his eyes. We have been through terrible things together, some of which can never truly be let go.

    I wish I could suffer these things for him and I want to help him so bad, but it’s not my choice to make. He has to want it for himself and I don’t know if he will ever. Why would he? He gets to drink his problems away, while I have to pick up the pieces sober.

    We have always loved and supported each other immensely. It’s just this one thing, this terrible affliction. I’m tired of my son seeing his dad with a beer in his hand every day and I am desperate to have the man I married back. God only knows how my son will be affected by this in adulthood.

    I look at these stories and see how much my life is the same. I have left him before for 6 months and he stopped drinking. Obviously the problem lies too deep for him to control on his own. I will never leave him or give up on him, but I feel like I’m drowning and he’s pushing me under. I wonder if it will ever end.

  351. Shana May 2016 at 10:48 am

    I don’t know where to start. I guess I can start with I love my husband! He has always been a drinker. Actually we both drink. When he drinks, though, it’s like he is on a mission to get drunk. He does have severe anxiety and I think he uses drinking to self-medicate. He is fine if he only has a couple of drinks. If he starts drinking early on during the day, I already know it will be a bad afternoon.

    I’ll use last night for an example. His company threw a crawfish boil at 2:30 for the employees. When I found out about this I asked him to please pace himself. Well, that didn’t happen. He wouldn’t answer my phone calls or text. He withdrew money we didn’t have and gambled it away. He was dinking and driving and I couldn’t sleep, worrying if he was going to get home safe.

    I woke up at 2:30 a.m. to find his truck was home but he was nowhere to be found. I called his name and got no answer. When I went back inside he sent me a text saying I was no good at hide-and-seek, because he was on the roof. He didn’t come inside till 5:00 a.m.

    He is so reckless when he is drunk. He says mean things to me and disrespects me. The man he is when he is sober is the one I’m in love with and don’t want to be without. I really don’t know what to do! We actually divorced because of this issue and remarried 2 years later. He is becoming the man I divorced once again.

    We have been together a total of 13 years and 4 kids are involved. The thing is I worry about him when we are together but more when we are apart. I feel I’m not living the life I deserve but I only want him. Makes no sense. Something must be wrong with me.

  352. A pen May 2016 at 1:04 am

    I feel like I am in a self-made hell most of the time.

    I met my husband when I was 17 and I am now 26. Nearly ten years together and 6 years married. Since we met I have dealt with infidelity, drug abuse, volatile verbal abuse while living in fear, sadness and anger. What have I become?

    The most devastating realization is that our stories are so similar. He is different when he does use and he used to be so loving, but he changed. We change as humans and this is natural, if not welcomed. However, he changed for the worst. He doesn’t love himself, so how can he possibly love me or his son?

    He almost killed me today. He drank with his friends and picked me up from work buzzed. I was upset. He was driving too fast and was late picking me up. I was upset and I should have just got in an uber or something. He drove so crazy and was punching the steering wheel screaming at the top of his lungs, while driving over 80 miles an hour.

    This husband of mine justifies the abuse by blaming me for everything. My son loves him so much, I can’t help but feel like I am tearing our family apart. But when will it be enough? There is always an excuse – no money, my house, our son’s school, his friends, but what weighs the right decision?

    My heart is so heavy and I feel like the light in my soul is fading.

  353. Anne May 2016 at 9:53 pm

    I am married to an alcoholic. We’ve been married for a year and have a daughter. He’s been emotionally abusive when he is intoxicated. Recently he busted his head on the floor and got some stitches.

    He blames me for everything. He told me I ruin his life. He is in the military and he is 34 years old, and I am only 22 years old. I’m young, but not stupid. I wish I can get my confidence back and build my life again. I’m tired dealing with him.

  354. Lisa May 2016 at 7:25 pm

    My husband is an alcoholic. I’ve been married to him for 14 months. In December we went on a cruise. He beat me up & passed out. I ran for my life.

    I’d never been beaten up in my life. My dad used corporal punishment when we were children, but this was way different. I called on the authorities and they took him off the ship.

    He’s a beautiful person when he’s sober. A complete Demon monster when he drinks. He spent 4 months in prison. I don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t tell my family. They’d disown me. I love him, but I fear him more than I love him.

    I’m new to all this. We grew up in a very strict church environment. We don’t smoke, drink, dance or party. He’s trying to convince me to go back to him. He’s such a good liar. I’ve heard everything he says before. I just don’t trust him.

  355. Sean May 2016 at 12:52 pm

    My wife has a drinking problem. It is not every day, but every so often when I come home I complain about things being suspiciously messy and the children not having been fed. This is met with uncharacteristic behavior from her. She raises her voice and uses profanity. She also wants to talk about our marriage and how she deserves to be respected (this basically means not complaining about anything she does). She has low self-esteem and it reflects in the way she keeps the house and cares for the kids sometimes. She works from home and this leaves the house a wreck most of the time, especially the bathroom.

    Both of her parents are functioning or weekend alcoholics. Her mother calls on Friday and says unspeakable things to her and me and my mother (back when she would answer the phone). Their drinking is a big trigger for her.

    I have asked her not to drink while caring for the children because it tends to stop when she starts. One day I came home early from work and she was coming back from the store with her second six-pack, she was vomiting less than a half an hour later (before I was do to be home).

    She says I am verbally abusive, because I complain about her messy habits and her drinking. All of this happens in front of our two children. When we argue she gets extremely defensive, which turns me into an interrogator.

    This summer I got a six-pack to drink myself after working in the yard all morning. I asked her not to drink too much or any at all. She drank four, so I wanted to have another and made the mistake of going back to the store to get another six-pack. She drank 4 again and then wanted to go get more. We had a huge argument at the car and I lost my temper. I hurt her finger. I started to think I had a problem also, but it has really been more of a coping mechanism to deal with our relationship problems that stem from her dysfunction.

    I used to enjoy going out with my friends to have a few beers, but I realize now that I cannot drink at all, socially or otherwise, because it becomes an excuse for her to get drunk, often in the middle of the week and during weekend days and mornings.

    Lately I have imposed a strict moratorium on drinking in the house, and this has led to her secret drinking. When I came home yesterday, she blew up when I scolded her about not replacing the liner in the bathroom trash. This led to a long argument during which our two-year-old son was crying hysterically. The next day I found the bottle in the trash and asked her about it, whether it was drank before or after the fight. She eventually told me she drank it before, and that is why the kids had not had dinner by 7 pm.

    OK, so I am a nagging husband, the house is a disaster and she almost never leaves it. She has no friends and when she interacts with her family she gets worse. When I keep my mouth shut, the drinking and dysfunction increases. She says I berate her, and I agree, but what am I to do? I have tried being nice about living in a hoarder’s house, but that usually only leads to an eruption after I can no longer function due to the hoard.

  356. PEARL May 2016 at 9:31 am

    I am married to a drunk. We have been married for less than a year now. I am 30, he is 29. I feel like his drinking is getting worse, then better, then even worse.

    We fight about it, then he stops for 2-3 days (depending on how bad we fight — if it’s a little fight, he doesn’t stop drinking), then he starts again, quite bad. Then he goes on binges. He drinks about 2 bottles of wine a day. He thinks he is having fun. When he stops drinking, he is bored and depressed. Must be the withdrawal.

    I feel that I can’t talk to him when he is like this. I feel I often have to wait until the morning for everything to turn back to “normal” so we can talk about whatever I had to tell him from the previous day. It’s Jekyl and Hyde. It is ruining me emotionally, plus we have to sleep separately as he snores quite badly. He only snores when he is drunk.

    Also, I find the smell of stale alcohol so repulsive I often cannot bear to be close to him. He also cannot perform too well sexually when he is very drunk. This is also making my skin crawl if he asks for it when he is drunk. I often have to say no, because I just cannot stand him touching me.

    I want to help him & I want to leave. I often ask myself if this is going to be the rest of my life, and it fills me with sadness when I think about the answer. I am only young and reading these comments here. It makes me question whether I should stay married to him and help him or leave and don’t look back.

  357. Kimberly May 2016 at 10:43 pm

    I have been with my husband for 8 years now. We got married in 2014 and he has always had a drinking problem, but it seems like it is getting worse. I cannot talk to him, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him all the time and the name-calling is so bad now.

    I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder if everything he says is true. I don’t feel loved when he is drinking because of the things he says, but then when he is sober he is wonderful. I can’t sleep anymore and I have a hard time focusing on things I need to do. Most of the time I feel like the failure.

  358. Kate May 2016 at 3:51 am

    My boyfriend has started binge-drinking and blacking out and putting his safety in jeopardy 3 times per week, that I know of.

    We have only been together for 3 months, and I’m learning that he has severe impulse control problems (caffeine, alcohol, pornography, diagnosed ADD). He has been so kind to me so far, but now I am genuinely afraid that this is his true personality coming out and that he is an addict. I can’t be involved with an addict. I won’t be.

    He told me he thinks he needs to cut back, and I agreed, but he’s already passed out drunk in public once (that I know of) since saying that. This is my first experience with this stuff and I don’t know what I can say that will be received well. When I told him his behavior is “dangerous” and he’s putting his safety in jeopardy, he responded with, “I don’t really drink that much” (um obviously that is pure denial), and when I asked him why he is drinking 8 beers instead of 3-4, he could only give the answers “boredom” and “probably because the weather is nice now,” when the obvious answer is, “Because I desperately want to escape my life and my feelings, because I’m unhappy and stressed out and scared about the future.”

    My inclination is that if he can’t be honest about what’s driving him to drink this much, there’s not much I can do – he needs therapy. These binges only happen when I’m not around, so I hardly know how to set a boundary. Maybe “I am not going to kiss you when your lips are all chapped because you’re dehydrated after drinking so much last night.”

  359. Dawn April 2016 at 12:50 pm

    I can’t believe how some of these stories and feelings are exactly what I am going through. I have been married for 5 years. My husband always liked to drink and he was actually a fun, happy, spirited person.

    Of all careers, he’s a personal trainer. Always telling people how important it is to stay healthy, and he drinks to the point where he verbally abuses me and also has put his hands on me several times. The last time he grabbed me by my hair and slammed my head down on my dresser. I was so scared that I called 911. I thank God that my daughter wasn’t home to witness any of this.

    He hides the drinking. He drinks Jack Daniels and just this morning my dog was crying and looking under his bedside table and when I looked to see if it was her toy, there were 3 empty bottles of Jack Daniels. I used to get very depressed and would think it was my fault when he would act strange towards me and belittle me. Now I realize that it’s the alcohol that’s doing this to him.

    He has broken promises and he lies constantly. Not only does he drink, but he smokes pot and abuses pain pills. My daughter isn’t his and I even lost two of my older children because they can’t stand him. Thank God, my two oldest still love me, because I feel like I picked him over them. I sit here and cry because I did pick him over them. What was I thinking?

    I am getting up the strength to leave him. I have tried too hard to be the perfect wife, but the fact is he doesn’t come home until 10:00 p.m. or later every single evening. I just can’t take it anymore.

    I’m a 44-year-old woman who still has a life ahead of me. Everyone tells me how beautiful I am, both on the inside and outside, and I keep asking myself why I continue to put up with this. I guess it’s because I believe in marriage vows, but I know now that I can’t help him, I can only help myself. I just hope I get up the courage to leave and I need to get up the courage to attend Al-Anon meetings. I pray for each and every one of you struggling through this horrible disease.

  360. Michele April 2016 at 8:44 am

    My husband and I are newly weds; we’ve been married for seven months and almost three years total together. I’ve always known that he was a social drinker, but the past six months he has gone into overdrive. It started out slow and has been increasing steadily.

    Many years ago he did get a couple of drunk-driving charges. He also served seven months in prison and just got his license back a few years ago. He had to drive with a machine in his truck, which has been gone for almost a year. He’s going back to the same things that got him in that predicament. This time if he’s charged he will lose his licenses.

    We very seldom talk or do anything during the week, because he’s either doing yard work or drinking. A couple of times during the week when he gets off from work he goes straight to a friend’s house and drinks. When he gets in, it’s late. He doesn’t call and if I call he doesn’t answer; he always has an excuse.

    There is no intimacy, just sex, which has decreased from three times a week to once every 10 days or so; he can’t. He has told me he knows he has a problem, but he’s not ready to quit, which isn’t leaving me with much choice but to leave. I just don’t know what to do; my self-esteem is so jacked up.

  361. Que April 2016 at 11:35 am

    I have a husband who drinks, calls me names and broke our house up. He never accepts his wrongdoings, unless he’s sober. But to me, I’ve been dealing with this and it hurts. I love him, but I want to be happy.

    I met him this way. I feel now I should’ve just stayed away. Now it’s killing me inside. We break up almost every other month and try to work it out. I still hurt inside, can’t talk to him and when I do or I feel a certain way, he says it’s me. Yes, I’m insecure. Only God can help, I guess.

  362. Isabelle April 2016 at 4:50 am

    My story is pretty much along the same lines as all the other people, unfortunately. I am not married to my partner, but we have been together for 20 years and have 2 daughters, 11 and 17. I would have left a long time ago if it wasn’t for them, but I am so unhappy.

    My partner comes in late most nights and he drinks a lot (about 6 nights a week). He is not aggressive, unless I show that I am annoyed with him. He is just really silly, slurring his words, looks terrible, and basically my girls and I cannot have a decent conversation with him.

    I have made threats of all sorts and he says he will try to stop and in fact he did go to AA sessions for a while, but now he has stopped and things have started to slide yet again. I feel desperate and wish I could leave as I don’t think I love him anymore. I don’t know where it has all gone wrong.

  363. Want to Leave April 2016 at 1:11 am

    My husband can’t resist a dig or kick when I’m down and he seems to relish speaking loudly so the kids will hear, too. Now, my son treats me like dirt. The other two are about to follow. He says the most venomous, nasty things and then acts like it never happened. I’m only with him for the kids. I don’t want to be a divorced woman, but I can’t live like this.

  364. Kris April 2016 at 9:28 pm

    I have been with my fiance for almost 7 years. I knew he was a drinker, but not the full extent of it until many months into the relationship.

    I guess I am like most women and have this compelling feeling that I need to “save” him and I wish to God I could. He is a very late stage alcoholic at only 38 years old, drinks beer daily, usually a case.

    His goal used to be 1 pint — 1 quart of vodka, but that was a few years ago. He’s been good for a while, just drinking beer, but the last year I see him slipping a lot. He lies about it, but I know the difference.

    He is pretty scary on hard liquor. I’ve been pushed around, threatened, etc., and the worst part is there is no support from his family whatsoever. His mother is a drama queen who screams and cries over everything. His brother thinks his drinking is great, and his sister and niece believe every lie that comes out of his mouth when he’s drinking and have it out for me because of course I’m the bad person. What’s worse is they know the way he is and his track record with prior relationships and still believe it all.

    I love the man dearly, but I feel so stuck. I don’t want to watch him die (and he’s been hospitalized more than I can count), but I feel so alone.

  365. In need of help April 2016 at 3:54 pm

    I have been with my husband for 4 years and married for 6 months. I thought I could deal with the drinking every day, but I don’t know how without it starting arguments when I bring it up. He says it’s not a problem, he enjoys it ànd it is who he is, and I need to back off and let him be who he is and love him no matter what.

    I was in an abusive marriage for 15 years and don’t want to have to deal with drinking every day again. Every time I bring it up, it starts the biggest arguments of all time. I don’t know how to get him to realize I matter and he has a problem that is killing our marriage.

  366. Vici April 2016 at 10:43 am

    I’ve been married to an alcoholic since 2009. He’s been abusive physically and mentally, mostly mentally! He is an all out control freak. He has put me down so much that I barely have any self-respect. He has also isolated me so much that I don’t have any friends and only have communication with my son, and I had to fight for that right.

    He is a typical alcoholic who tells lies and gives every excuse in the book for his inappropriate behavior. He can’t see that his negative actions cause all of his problems. His lying is so out of control that he has told all his friends and family that he is dying of lung cancer. The only thing physically wrong with this man is that he sits on his unemployed butt all day and is out of shape! He told this lie to see who really loves him.

    Remember, I said he is controlling and has made it very clear that I am not to tell anyone the truth. Everyone knows that he lies and they’re texting and calling me to know the truth. I do not answer the phone or reply to the text messages because of the repercussions I will face with him. It gets better — one of his friends has posted it on Facebook. Now hundreds of people think he’s on his death bed. Of course he is blindsided by this and I know he doesn’t know what to do. He has become angry.

    I actually can’t help but to have an internal hard laugh at this fool. But I also know that alcoholism is so cruel and a side of me feels sorry for him.

    I plan to leave him in June, because I’m so unhappy and just want to be a normal person. I am also scared because I know I will be facing a full-out war.

  367. Malibu April 2016 at 12:27 pm

    I have been married almost 9 years to a functioning alcoholic. When I met him, he was everything I wanted. He had so much life in him. He drank every night, but seemed to limit himself to a couple of beers a night.

    When I got pregnant with my now 5-year-old, I noticed a change in his drinking. Now he’s up to a full case a night and has been for almost 2 years. Our finances are suffering and our relationship is severely hurt.

    He functions as far as he goes to work and supports us, but he has no other drive for anything. He has isolated me from my friends and I no longer have any hobbies because it made him angry for me to have a life outside of him. I have asked him to leave and he refuses to. I have nowhere to go if I were to leave.

    I have been to Al-Anon meetings and he started going to AA, but he did it only because it frustrated him that I had somewhere to go other than home. I quit going.

    I want to pull myself away from him and the toxic relationship we have, but it is so hard. I have been to counseling and she urged me to get legal advice and to prepare myself to leave. Reading these helps me feel like I’m not alone.

  368. Janet April 2016 at 1:40 pm

    In summary, alcoholics absolutely are impossible. What an ugly affliction. Then my husband does nothing but yell at me for not wanting to have sex with his stinky, vile, vulgar, alcoholic self. He actually gets mad and threatens me. I try to tell him this in a much kinder way. Something like. “It is simply not possible for me to want to bond physically and emotionally with a person in that state.” But not the morning or the next day, either.

    If he cared what I thought, he wouldn’t be drunk and nasty all the time. I am legally married, but I refuse to have sex with him because he repulses me and says vile and nasty things.

    We are older and for many years I hoped he would die long before me, but that isn’t a sure thing. His parents were just like us, except that she probably did have sex with him, because he certainly was out running around. He was a good man, just a pain -in-the-rear drunk by the end of the day. She ended up dying several years before him.

    I left for fifteen years and raised my kids alone and it was wonderful. Now I am back for financial reasons, but not for long. I just need to get my ducks in a row and then I am finding my own place again.

  369. Brooke April 2016 at 5:29 am

    My story is a lot different from all the ones I read here. My partner is not my husband, for a reason. It’s because he is a raging 22-year-old alcoholic. We have been with each other since I was 5 and he was 3. He is on his 3rd DUI. This last one cost me almost 10 grand, only because he hit a government car and ended his hit-and-run in the parking lot of the police station.

    It was horrible, but I finally got to see him and the only thing he did was laugh. At that point I was done. When I saw his car all smashed up, I thought I’d lost him forever. He will work for 3 hours at work a day, get sent home sick and drink until he passes out on the couch, sloppy as ever.

    Honestly, the hardest part of all this is that I feel bad. His life was a mess when he moved away, when we were 10 and 13. His mother began a relationship with a horrible man — somebody who beat her down and drank a 30-pack every 6 hours like medicine. He would blast music and make the kids watch him hurt their mom. God help her, I still don’t know why she stayed there for over 10 years. I think my partner saw that stuff happening and figured it was okay to be like him. My partner has never laid a hand on me. I don’t think he ever will, but every night is the same thing. I could go on for days about everything.

    I work late hours and I come home to a trashed house and a heavily drunk partner. He is blasting music til 6 am. It’s actually 6 am now and he just passed out, but keep in mind I live in an apartment. I’ve been evicted 3 times in 2 years for loud music and yelling. When he is in his drunk zone, I am every mean and horrible name under the sun and my past life and relationships are huge issues to him. I need help and I don’t know what to do. He says he doesn’t have a problem, but he does. I wish I knew what to do.

  370. Diane April 2016 at 9:22 am

    It has been really amazing (and scary) to read these posts – so many of them reflect what my life looks like now and I can see many of them in my future, if that makes sense.

    My husband of less than a year is a functional alcoholic. I didn’t realize that when we were dating – he had a few drinks, etc., but seemed fine. It wasn’t until we were engaged and I moved in with him that I came to see the full extent of it.

    When he drinks, he does it at night and is able to go to work the next day (he’s only had to stay home with hangover-related symptoms once or twice). He is not himself when he has been drinking – he is surly and belligerent to me. It’s as if everything I say or do is an imposition or a drag. He doesn’t help me at all at home and has passed out on the floor, couch, etc., on a number of occasions. He swore that he could control it and tried to keep it to “just 2 beers” several times. It’s only when I caught him sneaking alcohol or he came home too drunk to deny it that I’ve realized he’s been lying to me.

    At my insistence in December, he finally sought help. Unfortunately, I don’t think he believes he actually needs it and resented me for “making” him go. Last night, he came home drunk. He said this has happened another time that I didn’t know about (I work during the day and go to school at night, so it’s very easy for him to go and drink if he chose). As much as the drinking upsets me, it’s the lying and sneaking that hurts me more.

    I am at a loss as to what to do. I moved halfway across the country to be with him when we got married and have very little support in my new state. I work and go to school and I can barely manage that with all of my household responsibilities without throwing an alcoholic husband into the equation. It’s very lonely and isolating.

  371. Liz April 2016 at 11:14 am

    There are so many of us. I never knew how ‘not’ alone I am. I’m so sorry about what we are all going through.

  372. joan April 2016 at 7:07 pm

    My husband of 17 years started really drinking heavy in 2013 when his dad died, and then he broke both legs. We have been thru almost all his inheritance. He blames me, but he had a seizure at work and was laid off.

    He hates A.A. and is seeing a psychiatrist, but contunues to drink and blames me for spending his money. My mom died and we got a free house and 80 grand. He then broke his foot and was out of work for 1 year — goodbye money, hello mortgage.

    I hate him. He won’t look for a job and keeps spending his father’s inheritance, but it is my fault. I work every day and he does nothing but watch tv and feel sorry for himself. I don’t know how I get him out of my house and life.

  373. Izabellahh April 2016 at 8:54 am

    Well, it’s so sad reading all these comments. But I kind of fit in the same situation, because I’ve been living with my husband for 6 years, and he is an alcoholic — big time.

    He’s been abusing me for all those six years, so I’m on the borderline to say enough is enough. But he finally decided he is going to quit drinking, so he is doing this with a doctor’s help. But after, I find it out he was drinking at work. The trust is gone between us. So, now he is taking pills to go to sleep, and smoking Marijuana every single day — also drinking non-alcoholic beer, so he is always on something. He’s not there all the time. I think this is getting worse, because I’m afraid he is going to start doing different drugs. He is also moody, not talking at all.

    I don’t talk about this with anybody because I feel ashamed telling my family what is the reality. I keep this to myself. Sometimes I really have a bad thought about myself, but I love myself too much. Thank you to all these families — sorry for the children. Thanks for posting and sharing. Best of luck to all the families, because we do not deserve to be abused.

  374. Rachel April 2016 at 10:43 am

    My husband is an alcoholic. At the moment he is on a drinking binge. These binges happen every couple of months. It’s been this way for roughly 4 years now.

    During these binges, he stays home from his job (he’s a small business owner), drinks all day until he passes out, wakes up, and drinks again until he passes out. We’re on day 3 of this binge. He’s lost his wallet and ID and can’t buy his own alcohol, so I do it. If I don’t buy it for him, he breaks everything he touches until I do.

    I want him to sober up, but he’s destroying our home. He says terrible things to me and tries to put his hands on me when he’s like this. He rages and screams at the top of his lungs until he has no voice. It’s extremely terrifying to witness. When he is sober, he’s wonderful and loving. I know that somewhere in there is the man that I love.

    I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve allowed him to alienate me from my friends and family, so I don’t know what kind of support network I would have if I left. We don’t have any children, and I’m so thankful for that. I do have pets that I am afraid to leave in the house with him. I don’t know what he would do to them if I left. I feel hopeless.

  375. Maureen March 2016 at 2:20 pm

    Oh, how my heart hurts for all of us. But I do know that we all have a choice, even if it feels too scary or hard to do….is living in what most of us live with on a daily basis at all easy or good? But that decison is up to each one of us to decide.

    As I read these posts, I see the truth comes through, we list our own answers to what needs to happen, yet in the next sentence we forget what we just said. That is the insanity of addiction. I grew up with alcoholism, then I left one very long-term alcoholic marriage, was single for 3 years, found an addict that was really doing his program and sober for 6 years already. Well, 8 years into the relationship I realized he no longer had the daily committment to his program, and for the last 2 years it has been a long downhill slide. Then many stressors happened in our lives, and yep, there went all that sobriety.

    It wasn’t a brief relapse and back at sobriety, even knowing all he knows on what he has to do to remain sober. Instead, he let it take him for 9 months now. I experienced once again in my life all the nasty name calling; it is my fault that I am not putting my program to use. I am so negative and critizing when I try to talk about the truth of what was happening, his constant denials, his constant promising to quit and a few days later finding proof of his drug, leaving for a quick errand and coming back 5 hours later, etc., all classic of what goes on.

    I had to repeatedly struggle not to believe all the crap he was saying and yelling at me. I knew that it was pure manipulation to take the focus off of him and put it on me, but it was a blow to my self-esteem and I questioned myself. Oh, the dreaded power of addiction for both the addict and the co-dependent, such destruction it brings to all involved.

    I gave him a letter stating he needed to leave back in December, knowing he was willing to sacrifice our relationship. He cried, pleaded and begged me that he didn’t want to leave and hadn’t used for 4 days and wouldn’t. I truly thought he was sincere (one more time, right!). 5 days later I had proof of use once again. This time I remembered what the program says–don’t tell them to leave unless you really mean it, because all we are doing is training them that they can manipulate us, that we really will stay or not kick them out. So I prayed, gave him another letter giving him 3 months to be out, he was not working and not looking very hard for a job either, but I told him job or no job, homeless or renting somewhere, it was his choice to decide to stop using or not, but I was done. He has continued to use, just found a job, but will lose it unless he quits, but that is on him, not me.

    I deserve to have a life without the yoke of addiction, that has plagued me for over 58 years. It is sad to realize that I had to learn that hard lesson once again. My co-dependency is still in there yet, though I have made many changes. I have to remember that there are very unhealthy reasons that I continued to be attracted to an addict, even one that was sober and doing well for many years. It has taught me, that for me, it is too dangerous to get involved with one, be it sober or active user. When I finally get truly healthy and realize deep down I deserve better and have boundaries set that will not be crossed, then I may be ready for a truly healthy relationship, with a non addict. Until then I need to be single and do what I can to not get lonely in the meantime, to find things that bring joy and happiness to my life, I have choices, remember? I need to remember that.

  376. Tonya March 2016 at 9:05 am

    I have been married for 17 years and we both have always been social drinkers. However, within the last 4 or 5 years, my husband has taken it to another level. He doesn’t drink every day, but when he drinks (2 or 3 times a week) he gets completely wasted. There is no such thing as one or two beers anymore — it’s shots and hard alcohol when he drinks. He is usually depressed the next day and says he will cut back, but the cycle continues.

    We have two teenagers who are exposed to this. I haven’t discussed anything with them, but I know they are smart enough to know when he’s wasted. I feel like he’s a horrible example at this very impressionable time of their lives. I want to help him get better, but I also don’t want my children exposed to this anymore.

  377. Vanessa March 2016 at 9:02 pm

    I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. We have 2 young children. My husband has always been a somewhat heavy drinker, or binge drinker. I cannot remember an evening (except if he was working) that he hasn’t had a drink. Which in retrospect was quite a big problem, but he was always pleasant and it never seemed to affect other areas of our life. A “functional” alcoholic.

    But, about a year ago, he faced a real traumatic situation and since then his drinking has gotten heavier and he says mean things and starts arguments. He started taking Xanax for anxiety and a few times he has mixed that with alcohol and it turns him into a real jerk. I don’t know how to approach him without him getting upset or defensive.

    I worry that his moods will affect our kids. The atmosphere can go from secure and pleasant to angry and moody in a flash. He accuses me of being moody. I am tired. I don’t want to argue.

  378. lynn March 2016 at 2:09 pm

    I have been with my husband for 20 years. He has always been a drinker, but then he quit for about 5 years. He started back, got a DWI, and it’s only been going downhill from there. Going on a year and a half — hospitals, rehab, affairs.

    Now it’s just the drinking — 2 or so bottles of vodka a day, more if he can. My problem is that it has taken control of me. I am finding my temper getting worse and things happening I don’t seem to be able to control.

    I don’t like how his problem is making me feel. I don’t want to be like this and the worst part is it’s all for nothing. He never remembers anything. I just get myself stressed for nothing, all because I can’t control my own life — his drinking is.

    I don’t want to lose everything we have worked for, but I don’t think I can live with this anymore.

  379. Liz March 2016 at 6:24 pm

    I have been with my husband for 20 years. He has always been a binge drinker, and has settled into a pattern of drinking on weekends. He has a set time for starting on a Friday evening & will continue until he is incoherent.

    He is abusive & a very nasty person when drunk. The same happens on a Saturday, but at an earlier time. Again, he is incoherent by nighttime. Sunday is for his recuperation & he lies on a chair all day.

    He doesn’t believe he has a problem, as he says he only drinks 2 nights a week. I believe he is an alcoholic, but a controlled one at that ( if that’s possible). I am tired of the craziness. Weekends are ruined with his behaviour, and the kids are fed up too.

    I have become detached from him. I don’t believe or trust him anymore. How could someone possibly change when they don’t think they have a problem. Being a partner of an alcoholic is a very lonely & sad existence.

  380. Holly March 2016 at 12:46 am

    I met my best friend a little over a year ago, when I was a single mother with a 21-month-old daughter. The man I got pregnant by has never been in our lives and I never dated since him. When I met my current boyfriend, I knew right away he was different. God, I loved him. It was special and I felt and saw it in his eyes when he’d look at me.

    He is a truck driver. When he quit driving over the road and began driving local is when the behavior difference started. First just being mean, annoyed, then he stopped even talking to me. I knew he was hiding his drinking and I would put out a little bit of hints, hoping he would come to me and talk, but instead he would tell his friends and family made-up stories about me to then justify what I now know, how he was cheating on me. That lasted about 3 months.

    In those 3 months he got so mean and nasty, and all I kept trying was to show him how much I loved him. Then I caught him outside in his truck, slamming down a bottle of vodka. That’s what he drank every night, a bottle straight down with nothing mixed. When I found out about the cheating, he was in such denial about that and drinking.

    We have argued pretty nasty. Before he would call me names at first, then he would push me down on the ground really hard until 7 months ago he literally picked me up by the neck and threw me through 2 doors and down a flight of stairs. When I was able to look up and realize what happened, he was on top of me, choking me in the front yard and I was never so scared in my life.

    The next day he was pretty mean, but the day after he cried a lot and apologized. 2 weeks later, he beat me so bad I really should have been in the hospital. My daughter saw almost the whole thing and still has nightmares from it. She had never even seen her mom get a sliver before. He was in the process of adopting her as her dad, and still is her dad.

    I kicked him out before Christmas, but can’t stand to be away from him. He’s been staying at his mother’s and tonight I get a call he’s in the hospital, having seizures because he’s trying to quit drinking and hasn’t had one since yesterday afternoon.

    I’m sitting here thinking about how at one time I was so strong and didn’t ever need any man to depend on. Where does one get so caught up in someone else that you lose all of your morals, your common sense? Where did I become so weak and desperate to put up with this man for any length of time?

    Over 7 months later, I’m still struggling with my left arm that was torn so bad I can only use it for short periods of time today. And I have to watch my daughter’s heartbreak as she constantly asks and wants to know where and why her dad doesn’t come home and see her. I hate myself for letting him in my daughter’s life, but yet I still want so bad to be sitting next to him in that hospital room. I don’t know why.

  381. Toyin March 2016 at 5:02 pm

    I’m so thankful I found this website.

    My husband and I have been married since 2005. I am an actress. He works in the ministry for a major nonprofit organization. I am Canadian. He is American. We got married in 2005 and shortly thereafter I got my green card.

    When we started our relationship, it was long distance. Then we moved in and lived in the same city, Minneapolis. About 2 1/2 years into our relationship, all the while recreational and social drinking.

    My husband has never felt comfortable being sober and drinking socially. As the years have passed, I noticed he would drink more and more to become socially comfortable when we went out with friends. Increasingly I experienced fear of reproach or being judged by professionals in the entertainment industry when I brought my hubby to events. So, over a course of time I began to be less active socializing and more isolating myself from events that would move my career and artistry forward.

    We began to hang out with his friends, eventually moved to New York and now we’ve been married for 10 years. I feel much of my day-to-day experience is saturated with cynicism, self-doubt, resentment and low self-esteem. I’m attending Al-Anon meetings, but I’m struggling with the reality that I am financially reliant upon him in order to initiate a divorce.

    I’m afraid I don’t love myself enough to relieve this discomfort. He has started at a detox and inpatient month-long program. I’m numb and struggling with whether or not to stay, if I am being a jerk for moving out when he is at the beginning of his sobriety. I just can’t handle the idea that relapse is possible. I am also emotionally burnt out when I think about the idea of spending the rest of my life this way.

  382. Carle March 2016 at 6:05 pm

    I have an alcoholic husband. We have been married for almost ten years and he drinks every day. Sometimes it’s two six-packs and then three. When he gets so drunk, he acts like an idiot and makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Most of all our three kids.

    It’s like he is mentally stuck in party mode from high school. I don’t know what to do it anymore. I am so sick of going round and round with him. I want to leave, but I love him and want him to change. I just don’t know.

  383. Julia March 2016 at 2:14 am

    I married my husband 16 years ago this June. He was drinking when I met him, but I was a social drinker as well. But after I married him, he drank more than socially. It has been a hard marriage.

    He gets verbally down on me and makes hateful comments when he drinks. He was very bad for a few years, but I thought he was better for a while — said he just wanted beer or wine when he gets off work. He would promise not to drink, then start again.

    Tonight I came home from my grandchildren’s and he meets me at the door, smart and rude. Then when I found out he was doing hard liquor, he said I better get used to it. I told him I will not tolerate it.

    I have a chronic health problem and just turned 60. I threw out alcohol tonight I found stashed. Even more concerning, he has been buying guns he says for protection, but alcohol and guns don’t mix. I found a handgun in the table tonight and made him put it in the gun safe.

    He never in his worst years would drink on a work night — now he is. I don’t know what to do. I can’t work. I take care of my 84-year-old mother at her apartment. I don’t want to leave my home, but he owns it. I don’t know what to do, and after 16 years I feel unsure of what he will do next. As many wives of alcoholics say, he can be kind. But it doesn’t make up for what he has put me through.

  384. Don't know what to do March 2016 at 9:57 pm

    I have been married for 15 years to an alcoholic and he is mean to the kids and I. Our kids are very well behaved young adults that do not do anything to get into trouble. He yells at them for having an opinion about certain topics and tells them “to quit being like their mother.”

    He tells me I need to quit being a friend and be a mother. I try to do everything right, but I still do it wrong and get yelled at and told that I am stupid. He yells at me because I have to talk to a guy at work about work-related issues. Then he lies about the drinking, especially when he is driving with the kids in the car.

    I don’t know what to do anymore. My kids ask me everyday, “Mom, why don’t you leave him?” And my response is he loves you all. What do I do.

  385. Christine March 2016 at 3:49 pm

    I’ve been married to a highly successful, brilliant alcoholic for 11 years. I have watched him climb the ladder of success and am so proud of his accomplishments.

    We always went out for a few drinks and never had an issue. It was a part of our courting and we were just having fun together. Once we were married for a few years, I started to notice the mood swings and insults being thrown my way. I didn’t realize at first what was happening and I started to feel really down about myself and my ability to make him happy.

    It really started getting bad when the women started entering our life. By the second affair, I threw him out and he sobbed and said I give him anxiety. We spent the next 3 years apart, where he spent it with his new pill-popping girlfriend. So now he’s an insecure drunk with a pill addiction, all the while climbing to higher and higher career success — go figure.

    He came back into my life about 3 years ago and promised everything was going to be amazing. Well, 3 years later he was cheating on me again. I found out through a sexually explicit video on his phone and he lied saying it was an old girlfriend from when we were separated. He told me I have no respect for his privacy and that I am crazy.

    Well, through all of my hurt feelings and anger and sadness I have finally decided to divorce. This man has taken a tremendous amount from me — my youth, my self-esteem and my ability to trust people. When you are caught up with an alcoholic, you live in this perpetual state of being paralyzed. I was afraid all the time to express myself verbally and sexually. I only hope the road gets easier from here and that my wounds heal.

  386. Jessica March 2016 at 2:30 am

    Most of these stories I find are very similar to mine. My husband and I met back in April 2005. We’ve had a pretty close relationship. Of course we had our struggles, but I fell hard for him fast. Before I knew it we were moving in together!

    My husband came from a family full of alcoholics. He grew up in and out of shelters. I met him through his brothers who were friends of mine, when he moved to Oregon from Louisiana. We were immediately drawn to each other. After 10 years together, going through struggles and fights, me losing my mom to a pulminary embolism back in 2010, my fertility issues (diagnosed with PCOS 3 years ago) we decided to get married, finally.

    After saying our “I do’s,” we decided it was time to start seeking medical help with our fertility issues. Step one was to quit smoking. Our new family doctor gave us a prescription for both of us to start Chantix. Everything changed. The drinking went from weekends to every single day. He became very hostile and constantly called me names and screamed in my face for hours. We went back to the doctor and she recommended he be put on anti-psychotics — risperidone.

    He then became a very heavy drinker. He stopped taking the risperidone about 2 months into it, because he felt it made him tired and loopy. He started taking Saint-John’s-wort, but that didn’t continue long either.

    Every day he was coming home from work with beer — spending our bill-and-rent money. His work started to be affected by his personality change. Eventually he lost his job for blowing up at the C.E.O. He had no drive to find work for a while. All he wanted to do was drink, and smoke marijuana. When he would drink, the smallest things would set him off. He became very paranoid and hostile.

    Nothing I say can change his mood, and if I say nothing, that’s just as bad. I’m so lost. I went from being in this relationship with my best friend, doing everything together, having maybe one little fight a year, to being married to an alcoholic that’s in denial.

    I love this man, and it kills me every day to watch him drink away our life together. I can’t even imagine not being with him, as sad as that is. But I find myself asking myself, “What more needs to happen before I do leave?” Maybe when it gets physical? Will I leave then? I want to say yes, but I never thought I’d stay with someone who calls me the names he calls me.

    I do everything I can for this man. I wash his clothes, wake him up with coffee most mornings, clean the house, cook his meals, do his laundry, etc. Whatever you can think of, I probably do it. But now I find myself not wanting to do it anymore. What’s the point? I fear that I’m closer to leaving than I think I am. I have nothing left. I know he’s changed me. Watching him go through this is killing me. Every day I lose a little more of who I am.

    Tonight I sit in front of my HP Laptop, wishing I could just not exist. I feel so alone. There’s nothing left. I’m terrified.

  387. Aly March 2016 at 7:08 pm

    The worst part about reading all of this is that I can’t live precariously in my denial any longer. It’s amazing how similar our stories can be, yet living all over the world in completely different situations.

    I too have called my husband Jekyll and Hyde since the day we got married 10 years ago. I don’t know why I stay. I tell myself it is because I’m an optimist and can’t stop hoping today may be the day he stops drinking. But maybe I’m just too afraid.

    I don’t want to start over, I don’t want to leave my home that I have put so much into. I don’t want to have to explain to people what happened — least of all my elementary-age children. But most of all I don’t want to feel like a failure. My husband is my best friend and I love him immensely, but being with him is slowly killing me.

    I know what the “right” thing to do is. He has abused me verbally since we started dating and occasionally physically. He has broken down doors, smashed dishes, and made messes for me to clean up. I’m sure I’ve done everything wrong since day one. The hardest part is this dual personality — how do I kick Hyde to the curb when I am still in love with Jekyll?

  388. Erin March 2016 at 2:33 am

    I’m 33 and have been married for almost 3 years. My husband is really sweet and amazing and funny. He enjoys drinking for holidays and to cope with emotions like fear. When I show disappointment, he drinks and binge-drinks and is hurtful and mean and contemptuous.

    I feel unsafe to be human. It’s a lot of pressure to feel like I have to please him all the time, as to not “set him off” (drinking). His contempt is unbearable. It comes out with just me being around. He is mean and angry. Everything is “GOD, leave me alone for just one minute,” as I ask if he would like dinner. Or I’ll stub my toe and “sounds like you made a mess.” It’s constant blaming and criticism. This stems off to habit when he is not drinking, the anger.

    I’ll ask him a question to make small talk or to get his opinion and he gets angry. It is as if I have some ulterior motive other than wanting to hear what he thinks. It’s almost as if he feels like I’m out to get him or something. This makes me very sad.

    I’d like to have small talk and laugh more with my husband. I’m very afraid to get pregnant and have kids because dealing and managing his drunk, violent, abusive behavior will be even harder with children. I’d like to break this cycle before having kids, but come to realize that it will always have to be managed if we have kids together. I already feel like I want to protect them from the yelling and impatience and hostility.

    All I really would love would be for my husband to love himself so much he could face sadness and anger and disappointment without the illusionary crutch of alcohol. The anxiety is too much and the love is absent. If he were to love himself as much as he says he loves me, he would work hard to make staying healthy a priority. Please, if you’re reading this, send him and us a prayer of love.

  389. Leslee March 2016 at 8:27 pm

    I have been married since 2005. Things were great. We bought a house in 2008. My husband started drinking off and on. It got bad about 2 and a half years ago.

    I left him for 1 year. We worked things out and he stopped. Well, he has started back — drinks bottles of wine, daily. He gets angry, verbally abusive. I am ready to leave again. Don’t know what else to do.

  390. Alexis March 2016 at 1:52 pm

    Reading these stories makes me want to cry, cause I feel I am no longer alone.

    I have a family full of alcoholics — grandparents, uncles, brothers, etc. –and I’m a newlywed. And guess what I married? The last thing I wanted, an alcoholic.

    I do not drink an ounce of alcohol. I had a problem in my teenage years with it when my parents got divorced and have been sober since the age of 19. I am now 26 years old and married the man of my dreams.

    Like everyone, when he’s sober he is amazing, we are happy, loving and full of adventure, but now I find myself hating him for this. I get the struggle of addiction. I was addicted to what felt like everything possible for 5 years, and since I’ve cleaned up I have a wonderful job, great friends, a beautiful home, everything I ever wanted.

    My husband and I started as a long-distance couple. I was from Canada and he was in the U.S. For a year we went back and forth and everything was great. He drank, but what I assumed was the normal consumption — 1 or 2 on week nights and depending on where we were on weekends, a little more.

    We met through our work and our work was so supportive they got him a visa to work here in Canada, which saved us a lot of stress, being long-distance. I am so thankful to them. It gave us the chance to get married as we wanted. He came here August and we were married in November. I secretly inside wish I never did and he tells me every day he wishes we did it differently, but this is his way to trigger me so that we fight and he has a reason to drink.

    I gave him every option before he made the decision to move here and now he hates me for it. He’s not abusive, but when he drinks he blames me for everything and tries to control me. For instance, “I don’t love him.” And “I don’t want him.” Or, “Who you talking to on the phone? Who are you texting? Where are you going?”

    He doesn’t trust me, but the best part is he has no reason not to trust me. I don’t got out with friends. I stay home and clean up after him, cook for him, buy the groceries, do the finances. If you can think of it, I do it — including doing all the wedding planning and asking him to marry me.

    I highly believe in if you make a promise, you keep it and I won’t promise anything if I can’t keep it. Unlike him, you know how many times he canceled the same day, plans he made with me and friends or family? All the time I end up solo and get home to him drinking. Or the promise of if I have all this beer tonight, I won’t drink for the whole week. Yeah, that was the case on Sunday and he hasn’t stopped since then.

    I know I shouldn’t believe it, but I love him so much my heart secretly believes it and I end up hurt every time. I’m so emotionally done, it’s incredible. I don’t care anymore. I want him to go back to the States and divorce me, but he won’t cause he knows I keep coming back and doing everything.

    I’m just so tired. I suffer from Crohn’s disease and this stress slowly kills me, but he doesn’t care. That’s the problem. It’s always his way or the highway.

    He’s the most arrogant, miserable, ignorant man I have ever met and gets mean when he doesn’t drink. I’m just so fed up. I want to leave and may have to. This isn’t a give-or-take relationship. This is a take-only-from-me relationship and I’ve lost my mind. It feels like I have nothing more to give.

    I am so young and do not want this for the next 20 years of my life. I have so much love to give and want someone to give it back to me in the same amount. I love this man, but nothing I do will stop him. If I tell him it’s me or beer, he always drinks.

    I’m starting to lose myself in the process, as he’s taking all I have left in me. I need help.

  391. Barbara March 2016 at 5:37 am

    I’ve been married for almost ten years and my husband’s drinking has gotten worse over the years. We have three beautiful children. I am tired of him drinking every single day.

    He is missing out on our kids growing up, because he is never there mentally. I am tired of having to do it all around the house. We’ve talked about his drinking problem, but of course he will never admit he has a problem. I don’t know what to do.

  392. Roxy February 2016 at 1:09 am

    Married 18 years to what you would call a functioning alcoholic. The story rings true to the fact that he is truly a wonderful man when sober. I think back to when our kids were young and how much they have gone through. He was abusive physically in the past. That part has not happened in a while. But lately he is on this kick where he talks to me for like three hours when he is drunk. I call it the drunk talk. It’s a mixture of verbal abuse, emotional ups and downs. I don’t talk. I usually just listen, sometimes cry.

    I made myself a goal a long time ago after I got sick of him calling me a burden (while drunk) that I would be able to support myself and my kids. It was very hard to find the courage, but I went back to school and became a nurse. I have been one now for a couple years. This decision has changed my life, because I learned that I am capable, smart and if I choose to leave I can do so knowing that I can take care of my kids.

    My husband spends a lot of time at the bar. He is going down a path that is destroying our family. He blames me for a lot of the problems. I know the truth. It just hurts. I love him very much.

    I am praying for the strength to do the right thing. I know that I am enabling him, but I need direction. I don’t want to have any regrets. I don’t want to give up if there is hope, but I don’t know if there is hope, and if it’s worth the wait.

  393. Laura February 2016 at 10:18 pm

    I am an enabler. I don’t know how to find help and how to end the situation I’m in. I feel so helpless.

  394. Angel February 2016 at 1:11 pm

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now. I knew he drank when I got with him, but I didn’t know how much of a problem it would become.

    He recently got a DUI –totaled my car on Christmas Eve. I told him that was it. If he didn’t see a problem and wasn’t willing to fix it, I was gone. He did really well for about a month. Then the Super Bowl came around — he drank. (He never comes home when he drinks. I sit up all night, freaking out. He doesn’t answer his phone. Claims he doesn’t hear it.) But I told him to leave.

    We got into a huge fight. He doesn’t seem to care how badly it hurts me to see him literally drinking his life away. So he kept telling me he’d only drink occasionally — I’m thinking maybe holidays is what he’s talking about. Last night he proved that was not the case. His friend comes over and they are playing Madden and he asks me if I mind if he drinks with him. Of course I mind. Barely 2 months ago he totaled my car!

    So the begging ensued — he said he didn’t like that I was telling him what he could and couldn’t do. I told him he was free to make his own choice, but not free from the consequence. Claimed I was threatening him.

    I love this man. He has stepped up and been a great father figure to my kids, and when he’s sober he’s amazing. But when he drinks he’s completely different. I don’t know what to do.

    He says he isn’t an alcoholic anymore. Tried to tell him it’s like cancer. You’ll always be an alcoholic. You are just in remission. I would like to find someone to talk to.

  395. Alisha February 2016 at 4:02 pm

    I’ve been married 9 years. In the beginning there were no signs of alcoholism. Then one day we went to a party and he was a drunk mess. I still didn’t think anything of it. 9 years later, he is a drunken fool.

    We have an 8-year-old son together, who is suffering behavioral problems. The husband sits in his garage every day drinking beer after beer, pints of cheap tequila, cheap vodka, staggering, smelling like a nasty, smokey bum on the streets. Just sloppy. He has drunken tirades every weekend. He is very mean to me. He says awful things that are so hurtful when he is drunk. It hurts me so bad, but I try to remind myself that it’s the alcohol.

    He’s a violent drunk with his friends. He has gotten physical with a few of them. Who will be next? Me? He keeps lying and telling me he is going to change, but I don’t believe him anymore. I just want my husband back, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. He chose Jose Cuervo.

    I threaten to leave, but he doesn’t believe I will. It will be a major struggle for me to go off on my own, but I can do it. I really love him and I wish he would get help. I am struggling to make the decision to leave. I have my divorce papers ready to go. But scared to file.

  396. Rebecca February 2016 at 4:02 pm

    My husband was in recovery when we met. He started drinking when our son was two. Our son was just diagnosed with autism. He’s almost 4 now.

    I can’t do autism and alcoholism at the same time. I just want my husband back, but I fear he is gone forever. I need him now more than ever, but it looks like I have to make a choice and it has to be my son, because he chose alcohol.

  397. Jojo February 2016 at 2:39 am

    I’ve been married to him for 5 years. We have 2 children. I’m on the verge of leaving. I don’t know if I can just waste another 20 years with him, believing his promises, just to be let down time after time after time. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster.

    He drinks after work, says he will be an hour, then turns his phone off and doesn’t come home till the next day, smelling of that gross alcohol smell, and sleeps half the day away if it’s the weekend. Otherwise, he will drive to work half-drunk. He totally ignores our kids when he’s hung over and is mean to me — like I’ve done something wrong? I can’t keep living like this. It’s so hard to make a final decision to leave.

  398. Cassandra February 2016 at 11:18 am

    My boyfriend is an alcoholic. I’ve been with him for two years. He is becoming verbally and emotionally abusive when he’s drunk and refuses to see that he is. Everything that’s wrong in his life is always all my fault. Until he thinks I might actually walk away and then he starts apologizing, begging me to stay. He says he drinks because he can’t sleep. But that means that he gets himself so wasted that he has no filter on his mouth at all.

    I divorced an emotionally abusive man. There is no reason that I should have found myself in a relationship with someone who would do this again. At the beginning, he hid it from me. I was in denial about his drinking, that it wasn’t that bad. But there it is, in all it’s bad glory, staring me right in the face.

    My therapist says that I unknowingly got myself in a relationship with an alcoholic because my mother was one. And there is that child within me seeking out that approval or love from an alcoholic knowing in my head the whole time I’m not going to get it. He triggers the heartbreak of the love I didn’t receive when I was a child. So I find myself begging for that love when he’s drunk and telling me I’m worth nothing.

    It’s hard in the moment to tell yourself that you will be ok whether you get from him what you need or not. The truth is, there is no hope for this to work if he continues drinking. I don’t know why I haven’t’ been strong enough to leave yet. Maybe I’m waiting for him to screw up so bad there’s no way he could see it as my fault. But let’s not kid ourselves, he’s an alcoholic: it’s always everyone else’s fault.

    One day at a time.

  399. Brenda February 2016 at 11:25 pm

    Just getting dragged down. No friends, because they don’t want to come to see me because of the drunk. Family just ignores it, but nobody comes around. So alone and feel like no support anywhere.

  400. Gigi February 2016 at 2:27 pm

    He’ll say such mean things to me and the next morning I always get I’m sorry & I love you. Then night will come and he’ll do it all over again.

  401. Gigi February 2016 at 2:20 pm

    My partner knows he has a drinking problem & has admitted and still continues to drink, what step do I take ??

  402. Alia February 2016 at 12:15 am

    My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years. He has quit drinking several times, I thought, but was hiding it in places that I found.

    No matter what I do, it’s not good enough, but when he is sober I am wonderful, the best wife and mother.

    I am finding from my stepson that even when his father is home that he isn’t taking care of our son, but my stepson who is 12 is taking care of him.

    I’m at a loss for what to do. He has quit his job without a back up! Found another, but is only working 4 hours a day and I have been paying all our bills and rent for this house for 3 years. I’ve always supported us.

  403. Christine February 2016 at 4:43 pm

    I am engaged to an alcoholic. We were friends for 7 years before we started dating. I love him to death, but he drinks and takes anxiety medication. It has kept him from being able to keep a job and have motivation.

    I have grown up with siblings who are all addicts to pills and alcohol. I have threatened to leave him and the longest I’ve seen him stop drinking is 5 days. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried being his counselor. I’ve tried being his spouse and friend. Nothing works.

  404. Mark February 2016 at 3:54 pm

    I am an addict . I am powerless over my addiction. My wife divorced me and now that is the only motivation I have to be a better man.

    I work the program and I hope that one day my wife can forgive me. I understand that if someone doesn’t admit they have a problem, they will never be helped.

    For me, it took losing the one person I loved more than anything in this world to wake me up. I am sober now. And I am working the program. I pray one day I can redeem myself in my ex-wife’s eyes.

  405. Feeling crazy February 2016 at 8:33 pm

    It’s like a crazy wheel that a mouse runs on. My husband is an alcoholic who seeks out women to have affairs with them.

    I grew up in an alcoholic family and found myself married to one. He keeps saying, “I’ll stop. I love you. I can’t imagine my life without you.” This last affair was 7 months and he tells me he had a love for her.

    He kept promising it was over. He has no job, no money. I pay all the bills, raise the children. I’m waiting for it to stop so we can be happy again. He is a great man, when he is the man I know he could be.

  406. Janie February 2016 at 1:35 pm

    I am married to an alcoholic. I relate to all the stories, but I am still here 30 years later. I, too, am jealous of his co-workers. They spend hours with him sober, but I only get less than an hour.

    On the weekdays and weekends he goes out to his garage and drinks a 6, 12, or 24-pack of beer, but he says he doesn’t have a problem — I am the one with the problem. He complains that I am not affectionate and that is why he drinks.

    I don’t want to be near him when he drinks because he is sloppy, verbally abusive and a jerk. He makes hurtful comments out loud and he doesn’t care who hears. My grown children have seen his outbreaks as they were growing up and still continue to see it. Our oldest son, who is 26 years old, has not spoken to him for over a year because he holds a lot pain and resentment toward his father.

    I stay in the relationship because I love him and he has an illness. “Would I leave him if he had cancer?” is what I ask myself. I feel sorry for him at times. I don’t know how and where I can get the strength to leave.

  407. Neighbor is an abusive drunk February 2016 at 12:57 pm

    I’m here mostly to vent about an abusive neighbor. Having grown up in a family of emotionally abusive alcoholics and drug addicts, I’m familiar with recognizing the patterns of abuse, and also the importance of ending the cycle of abuse, even if that means severing relations (which is easier when it’s not a family member, of course). Thankfully, this guy is merely a neighbor.

    The guy when he’s sober is pleasant to talk to, but as time goes on there are more and more red flags going up and it seems the more comfortable he gets with us the more abusive he is verbally. He treats our friends like crap, verbally abuses any man within 25 feet of him as they automatically become his “imagined threat,” and resultantly other men are then subjected to his verbal abuse. Something as simple as a male friend going in the house with me because he needed some swim trunks — the alarmist drunk accused him of wanting to rape me.

    I’m having flashbacks to all the drama I grew up with, and my (wonderful) husband and I both have decided it’s long past due to sever our relations with this guy. He denies any accountability for his abusive behaviors and, of course in typical abusive alcoholism fashion, it’s now a personality trait on my part that I’m alienating him. What a joke! The guy alienates himself with his abusive behaviors and I’m so furious at his attempts at mental abuse right now and his attempt to externalize the blame and victimize me — but I should know better, since I’m aware of abusive tendencies of alcoholics.

    He has screamed at us (and his own family members) in emotional rages repeatedly, and then when we try to establish boundaries with him, he turns around and says he doesn’t know why we are being “hostile” with him since he “hasn’t done anything to us.” By “hostile,” he’s simply referring to us establishing a boundary with him, telling him not to text us in the wee hours of the night when he needs someone to drink with after his dad goes to sleep. The deniability is predictable, but mind-boggling. As if his toxic behaviors aren’t damaging to all his relationships around him, and we are just supposed to keep coming back for another round of his abuse, or we’re at fault and it’s a character flaw in our part. I saw the red flags a while back and my only regret is we didn’t sever this a while ago, but in the past year it’s progressively gotten worse.

    This is our weekend cottage where we come to relax and it’s been anything but relaxing. We finally severed relations and we hope he doesn’t resort to retaliatory behavior. The guy is a lunatic with obvious emotional problems and we can’t figure out what came first — alcoholism or emotional problems. He seems incapable of processing emotions like an adult, can’t handle even the most minor slight — or an imagined slight, much less an all out rejection — and watch the mind games begin as he externalizes the blame. He pouts like a child, throws temper tantrums and storms out, screams in emotional rages, has an obsession with being “an alpha” and thinks that being a jerk to other men puts him in an alpha position. He cries like a child when he wants attention, etc. What a weirdo!

  408. Darlene February 2016 at 10:52 pm

    Sometimes he is good, sometimes he just turns on me and the kids. It is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I don’t know who is going to show up sometimes.

    It is always my fault and I am always the stupid one. I am so tired of the yelling from him, with him and the kids — there is always anger and yelling. I know I can only change me and and not him, but I just want it to all be better.

    I am worried he is going to lose his job; we can’t leave, we would be broke, the kids would have to leave their home, school and friends. I can’t afford to keep them where they are. Not only would they lose their father, they would lose their home, their school, their way of life. But he may take that away any minute by getting drunk and alienating his boss. It is like Russian roulette and all of us are on the edge.

    Things could be so good if he would stop, go back to being the responsible, kind human being he used to be.

  409. Kay February 2016 at 4:26 pm

    I am living with an alcoholic. The lies and abuse get me down. He drives while drunk, but says he doesn’t have a problem.

  410. Debra January 2016 at 6:11 pm

    My husband and I have been married for 37 years. For the last 15 years, he has become a binge-drinker. He has stopped drinking many times. I start to feel like he has it beat and then out of nowhere he’s drunk! He’s never abusive, but he is a staggering, blubbering idiot. There’s no trust or respect left!

    I never know what triggers it. I threaten to leave, he begs me to stay and promises he’ll never drink again. So goes the cycle. I’m trapped!

    I don’t think I have the courage to leave. It would tear our family apart. He promises to go to AA and work the program this time. I want to believe him. I feel like a fool!

  411. Monty January 2016 at 12:34 pm

    My first step to acknowledging the situation I am in is very much like all the rest. It’s scary and shaming. But as others know, the spiral just gets worse and my boundaries keep getting crossed — so it’s time I stopped accepting it and put some plans and firm boundaries in place, in the knowledge (which I’ll get in time, I hope) that his abusive and drink-driven behaviour is not my fault.

  412. sus January 2016 at 2:14 am

    I’m 52 and should know better, I’m old and should be wise — right. I started dating a 33-year-old. Stopped drugs when we first started dating. But can’t give up his liquor. He was raised by druggies and drinkers — so what should I expect. Certainly nothing different from his parents. That’s all the poor boy knows. How sad — a wasted life.

  413. laurie January 2016 at 4:17 pm

    Wow, do not know what to say. My father is an alcoholic, as all family members on his side. My mother’s father also was an alcoholic.

    I was married 34 years to a wonderful, but prescription-drug -addicted, man. He was a good father and husband most of the time. We divorced and he passed away this past November due to complications from his addiction. I totally blame his medical doctors, as my 4 children and I did everything to stop this. The doctors just said he has chronic pain syndrome. Yeah, true — but he had no life either.

    It broke my heart and my children’s to see their dad this way. We remained the best of friends until his death. I was holding him as he passed.

    I am no stranger to addiction, and that is why I cannot understand why I have been in a relationship for almost three years with an alcoholic. I love him and, yes, he is awesome, amazing when he is sober. We have been through the DUI’s and court cases like crazy. He has no ambition to work, and the alcohol is robbing us of a good life. He goes to A.A, court-ordered, but not applying anything at all.

    I cannot hang on much longer, as it is too much stress for this 55-year-old. I love him and so wanted to be supportive, but there has to be a line drawn. I am so glad I found this site. No one in my family understands why I put up with the whole mess.

  414. Mandy January 2016 at 1:13 pm

    I have just celebrated my 32nd wedding anniversary, so you would think I had a great marriage. I met my husband at 15 and married at 17. He is 5 years older than me, so all our dates where revolved around pubs.

    I had a son, but after having him I suffered 12 miscarriages and became so agoraphobic that I drank as well as my husband, but sadly I became addicted and was told that if I didn’t stop that I would be dead in 5 months. So without any help, I stopped and that was 7 years ago.

    My husband has always drank, but since I have stopped I have noticed just how much he is drinking and it’s getting worse. The hardest part is that he takes it out on me. He is sarcastic, always puts me and my family down. He is never wrong.

    I can’t take it anymore, as I have begged and pleaded with him to cut down, but it goes through one ear and out the other. It’s affecting me badly. I am so stressed that I’m having bad palpitations, I don’t eat so I weigh 6st 10 and been diagnosed as anorexic, and today he just made me feel so worthless that I really have considered ending my life.

    I am disabled, so stuck in this house 24/7 unless he takes me out and that has to be in the morning when he hasn’t had a drink, but as soon as we get home out comes the lager.

    I do love him, but this is killing me and I mean literally as I’m not a strong person anymore– and how can one person make you feel that you are better off dead? I’m lost in a place that I don’t understand anymore and I needed to get this of my chest, as I can’t deal with this anymore.

  415. Vonnie January 2016 at 12:01 pm

    I just recently got married to the love of my life. He told me while we were dating that he likes to have a drink after work or on the weekend. What he didn’t say was that the one drink of beer was not a normal size 12 or 16 ounce can, it was a 32 ounce bottle that he would practically guzzle in an hour. He is skin and bones with very little fat, so he gets drunk very easy.

    He is not a mean drunk. He is an emotional drunk. It’s the only time I see him cry. He doesn’t drink every day and every hour. He used to before he met me, according to his ex-wife and family. One time his drinking put him in the hospital for alcohol poisoning before he met me.

    I know he is an alcoholic and has a history of drinking. Part of it was the company he kept. I got him away from that company before we married. Problem is I am finding out that his immediate family has a few from time to time also, but they don’t have issues like he does. Recently I gave him a 20 dollar bill to buy cold meds after work. He didn’t come home with the cold med. He was carried in by his uncle, an unopened bottle of beer in his bag. When I got him undressed and emptied his pockets, only 14 dollars were found.

    I talked with him when he sobered. He only remembers buying one beer, not two. He is either lying and trying to hide it because he knows I don’t like him drinking, or he honestly doesn’t remember buying a second bottle. Either way, I told him I am taking over the finances. I am no longer going to give him money to go to the store. We will do our shopping together.

    I know his trigger is stress or not having a car and having to wait on a ride to get home from work. I am hoping that by removing the triggers and substituting them with better habits he will improve, before getting worse and drinking every day like I have read about. Some have told me he is not an alcoholic because he doesn’t drink every day, and I used to think that too, but when he doesn’t make wise decisions and buys beer instead of cold meds, there is an issue.

    I am not going to divorce him, because I married him for sickness and for health. I am a strong woman, but even strong women need understanding friends to support her emotionally. My father was an alcoholic and was sober for 20+ years before he died of cancer. My mother never divorced him all the years he was drinking, but he too was not a mean drunk. Part of what I learned with my dad was that he could not be around alcohol at all. Not even non-alcoholic beer, although that was a good substitute for cutting back for a time.

  416. April January 2016 at 10:53 am

    I’m at this point in my life at age 29 (30 in April) and I’m with my fiancé,’ age 33. We have a beautiful daughter together, who will be 4 in April as well. I have been with my fiance’ since I was 19, and I feel that our relationship is over.

    He has drank every day since the day I met him, and I never realized what kind of an addiction he had till my daughter was born. He drinks 3-4 Margarita Bud Lights a day, and on top of it smokes. His money just goes down the drain. We haven’t had intimancy in 14 months, and when I try he says he just doesn’t have the drive anymore. It’s been 3 months since he has said he knows he needs to see a doctor, but hasn’t made the phone call yet.

    As a young vibrant, very energized young female, I need to be acknowleged and need that intimancy to keep this relationship going. I know that his drinking problem has made our relationship rocky, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to change. I asked him on Thursday when he had to get our daughter from daycare if he’d had anything to drink that day and he said, no. Needless to say, I saw a Margarita sitting in the center console — yes, he was drinking and driving with our 3-year-old. He claims it was his first drink of the day.

    I don’t believe him anymore, and he’s never going to seek help. I don’t know what one should do in my shoes. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He has sucked all my energy out of me, to the point where looking at him just disgusts me. Laying in bed and his back turned to me makes me want to get up and leave. I know I need help.

  417. halimat January 2016 at 3:08 am

    Hmmm, I don’t know where to start.

    Well, I have been with my fiance’ for 6 years and we are living together for about 3 years now. He gets drunk almost every day and when he is drunk the only word he says is I don’t gain from it. He has done so many things that got me scared that if I leave him he might kill himself while drunk. Am so tired of babysitting him. This has to stop.

  418. -Lesley January 2016 at 7:38 pm

    All the heartache, pain, anxiety, stress, longing, and needing I’m reading here hits home. I’ve been married 8 years, together for 10. I can’t remember seeing my husband sober for 2 years — alcohol was always a feature, but has been his “everything” for 2 hideous years.

    He has verbally abused me, his family and his friends — resulting in gradual isolation from everyone who cared for him. He has driven while being so drunk he could hardly stand up, smashed up furniture, kicked in doors, passed out on the couch for days, stopped eating or taking any personal care of himself, and so on and on.

    It took a huge verbal fight one night that resulted in him going missing, being found by the police and locked up to cool off, that made my mind up — I couldn’t live with him anymore. I had tried everything. It broke my heart, but I threw him out — changed the locks and stepped off the roller coaster for my own sanity.

    I refused to enable his behaviour and I also refused to watch him killing himself. Everyone I spoke to told me, “He was an adult, he needed to help himself, and he needed to hit rock bottom.” It took 2 years to find the strength to say enough is enough — and while he still had me as his safety net, he had no reason to really make the effort.

    That was May. It was hard not buying into the pitiful text messages, the great apologies and declarations of love — I did for a while. He was and still is to a certain degree, Jekyll and Hyde — since he moved out I have never contacted him. He, on the other hand, has never stopped inundating me with texts and phone calls. I have refused to answer him for 3 months. In the beginning he got angry when I didn’t respond.

    I have to say having to survive on his own with little or no support, not much money to feed his addiction and no comforts of home, has led him to an epiphany. He took himself to AA, and is now attending an addiction program and receiving counselling. It’s “early days.” I’m under absolutely no illusion. Happy endings with hearts and flowers is not where my head is at. Until he finds sobriety and proves himself, I can’t let him back in my life. Yes, I adore him. I adore the man I knew without alcohol, my husband, not the person this disease turned him into.

    We all deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I guess it comes down to loving myself more than the alcoholism. It’s in my nature to help people, so walking away from the most important person in my life, the person who needed help, was the most difficult thing I have ever done — but thanks to lots of support, I found my self-respect.

    If people offer support, I take it. I talk about how I feel and don’t hide what is going on, like I did for a year. I find time to do things that make me happy, even if it’s just going for a walk or having coffee with a friend. The alcoholic in my life took over everything. I had to learn to take back something for myself.

  419. Casey January 2016 at 11:20 am

    I stumbled upon this website from a Google search,”What to do if you’re married to an alcoholic.” My husband drinks 8-10 beers a day. I know that is his way of coping with stress. He is never violent, just emotionally unavailable.

    I confronted him recently because the cost of his drinking is something we just can’t afford, not to mention harmful to his health. We have two daughters, one of which is severely disabled. We need to be as healthy as we can, I told him. He just says he’s doing the best he can and he’s “not there yet.”

    I just don’t know what to do. I know I can’t control him or his alcoholism. I don’t know if an intervention would be the best thing and if it is when should we do it? I’m thankful to have found this website, it confirms to me that I’m not alone and that his behavior is not normal.

  420. Molly January 2016 at 10:04 am

    I’ve recently discovered my husband has been secretly drinking for, well, I don’t know how long. When we met, we both liked to party and then I got pregnant. So I stopped drinking, quit smoking and got healthy for our son.

    I recently found bottles in his closet. I confronted him about it and told him that if he was going to drink he needed to not hide it from me (I hate lying more than anything in the world — this was my failed attempt to try and build trust). He agreed to this and for a couple weeks he was talking to me and telling me what he was doing.

    Then I noticed that he got super drunk Monday night and he didn’t have that many beers (he’s typically a beer drinker — then adds vodka to ease the stress). I checked the bank account. He stopped at the liquor store on Monday after he picked up our son. I went home to try and find the bottle, but it wasn’t anywhere to be found. When he got home, I checked his work bag and there was the bottle — half gone, from one night. I confronted him about it and he said he only had two shots Monday. I kept asking him “Well, where did the rest of the bottle go?” He kept saying he didn’t know.

    We have been together for two years and married for almost one. I love him with all of my heart. I am at a loss. He’s not mean, hateful, or abusive when he drinks. I don’t know what to do. We are already going to counseling for a couple of issues that have come up. I don’t want to bombard him to where he drinks more and more. I want him to be healthy. I want him to see our son graduate, but if he continues on the path he’s going, he will be drinking a bottle a day within the next couple years, if not sooner.

  421. kathryn January 2016 at 5:54 pm

    HI lovelies..

    I’d really love your opinion… How much is too much or am I a winger as I’m called all the time.. I am 36 years old with 2 kids.. I come from a relatively non drinking family growing up, mum never drank my dad only special occasion, bbqs, Christmas parties etc. At 19 I moved in with my 24 year old bf the bloke in question.. we used to go out have fun.. me of course being the taxi service he’s always needed… I didn’t mind at the time but now I look back and I think what was I thinking.. letting him drink a long neck in bed wtf… anyway we waited 8 years to have kids which he promised he would calm the drinking and of course nothing changed…again I am one of those women yes I know … but I’d really like to know if I am a winger….. my partner drinks stops I don’t know how often on the way home from work to get beer to drink whilst he drives home… then if he is doing things out the front he will be drinking out there… He sneaks I the corner of the garage and drinks.. He must think I am an idiot not to smell it. I dont know how much or really how often every day seems the same.. I am guessing 5 out of 7 days drinking from about 4 till 8 or 9 pm we have daylight savings in Australia so the sun is out till late.. I am constantly told I am a winger because I’m always saying something about it ….. ladies am I a winger, control freak , I wouldn’t say he’s abusive but he is if I say something to him, he plays with the kids when he’s drunk but best of all he’s cleans the house I guess it’s a perk if there has to be one… so confused, .. I have a strong family network… don’t get me wrong I’m not the fun police and don’t mind drinking when socializing etc the way in which I grew up…

  422. Blondie January 2016 at 1:53 pm

    I have no clue what to do, either, just as many of you. Most of these stories resonate with me to my core. It’s scary to see people in these destructive relationships for 20+ years — I don’t think I can handle another day. I’ve been married for three years, with a two-and-a-half year-old. I don’t have a conventional job — I do contract marketing and website design — so my income fluctuates.

    This is one of my biggest obstacles, my child and money situation. Our daughter loves her daddy and he is great interacting with her. But in all reality, he is a horrible father, as he doesn’t provide for his family, he lies to me (probably daily at this point), he steals money from me and our daughter is missing $6 from her piggy bank, he has turned physically violent, and the list goes on.

    I did tell him to leave last week after finding money missing (yet again) and after him admitting he drank once when I was away for business, which I found out from my neighbor that he was drinking more than just once when I was gone. I am scared. I have no childcare or money to even pay the mortgage and he’s off in yet another rehab.

    I feel he goes to rehab when I kick him out. He gets drunk, then goes to a rehab because he has nowhere else to turn. My parents are done with this roller coaster. I finally convinced my mother it isn’t heathy for our child to be witnessing fights — verbal or physical, or both.

    I don’t want to break up a family, but this time I feel differently. I don’t want to see him; I don’t want him back in the home. They say you need to want something more than you fear it, and I am hoping I am strong enough to figure out a way to pay our bills and not lose my home — all while keeping my husband out of my life, while he is self-destructing.

    This is by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. My heart breaks, but my self-worth and the happiness of my daughter has to trump my emotional (irrational) thoughts. I wish every one of you the best — sadly, I can truly empathize with you all.

    This disease is horrible. It’s breaking my heart to watch my husband destroy everything we have worked so hard to achieve. Can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to fix himself.

  423. Marylyn January 2016 at 7:01 pm

    The destruction is immeasurable. Depression came on after a financial loss. Two years he was hopeless, helpless, had to be coaxed to get out of bed to work or anything. Then, back to bed.

    A smile returned in March or so. We went to see friends, had company from out of town, and traveled a little. I noticed some drinking. Maybe a beer or so after work, or a cocktail or 2 while out. Not usual behavior, but I thought that maybe he was just enjoying himself some at last.

    July I found a “handle” of Crown Royal in the garage. He was stopping after work to see friends. He came home late. A rolled up 20 in the car and white powder, lots of cash out of the ATM.

    Why does a person you have known for 30 years turn into a complete alien? A once very successful, responsible man is like a 16-year-old delinquent. He has been saying since then he is quitting. Rarely goes to work, acts like a total idiot, gained 30-40 pounds, I know he is still doing drugs.

    Our incredible children, in college, are heartbroken and angry. Nothing we say or do convinces him to get help. Oh, yes, he does go see his psychiatrist every month. He went to one AA meeting and thought he should get a prize.

    The denial, lies, and blame are infuriating. There remains a balance of sadness, anger, and pity. He has destroyed the trust and respect of his family, his body is falling apart, he cannot remember things and does nothing at home but sit on the couch and watch old movies. He now does not drink at all in front of me. But I find the cups of now cheap whiskey in the bathroom in the morning.

    “I can stop. Tomorrow I will go to work. You are no angel. Keep spending money. “The F-word is now a favorite and I can say I never heard that one ever before. He is in the guest bedroom and I foolishly thought that might prompt him to get help.

    I am in my 50’s and let me tell you, as much as I love this man, I cannot witness this for much longer. I have a lot to lose financially, whatever is left from his “investments.” I will be lonely, I am sure. But life is sweet and precious and we were not meant to be in a sick relationship.

    I have tried everything in my power to convince him to get help. I want to change him. I want my “happy” family back with all the traditions and silly moments. He does not want it. His inaction is evidence.

    My heart and prayers go out to each of you and those who are reading. You are not alone. This surreal experience happens to all people. It is a tragedy. It is not our fault.

  424. paul January 2016 at 3:08 pm

    I’m a 24-year-old man, a drug addict (6 months sober). My fiancé is an alcoholic, has been to treatment twice now, doesn’t attend any meetings (won’t even go with me). She drinks a 1.75 of whiskey in 3 days. I don’t like it in our house, so I usually take it and dump it, but last night I just took the bottle away from her and it’s sitting in our closet.

    Recently I’ve been keeping all of our money in a lockbox and locking it (my meeting said that it was acceptable), and over the past few weeks things have been good, but the other night I left it open because I felt I could trust her. Well, I was let down.

    I love her unconditionally, but I’m going to college now, working a different kind of job that doesn’t pay as well. I just need to focus on school, but it’s hard when I know my life can come crashing down again at any moment.

  425. Sarah January 2016 at 6:55 pm

    I relate to so many of the stories shared here and I hope that sharing mine may help someone out there. I was with an addict for 14 years — primarily an alcoholic, but during periods there wasn’t drink, there would always be something. He didn’t use drugs or drink all the time, generally at trigger times — stressful moments that the crutch he relied on brought him back to a head-space he was familiar with. Numbed the pain/stress he couldn’t cope with. We understood each other and connected through pain — childhood abandonment and neglect. I made excuses, I understood his darkness, I felt I knew that he needed to be shown what unconditional love was. He’d never had it, that was why he was so broken.

    He was and still is one of the most incredible people I have ever met — intelligent, witty, caring, he made my heart explode with joy. When he was straight. Just being in his presence made me feel so complete. We had a rollercoaster of a relationship — I’d reach a point of exhaustion with the drinking — we’ve been through it all. I’d find him in hospitals, picked up by police. He never caused anyone any harm, he wasn’t violent, just incapable of looking after himself in that state. He’d go on a bender for a week, a month, a year and I’d have to leave him. I’d start looking after myself with this huge gaping hole in my life and then I’d hear his clean sparkly voice missing me and I’d melt again.

    It took years and years and years before I actually faced I was addicted to the cycle. Instead of living in hope that he would change or that he wanted to spend time with me sober, I started to face the fact that I was in a co-dependent relationship — that was harsh.

    I needed to find what I could do to take responsibility for my role in the relationship. I started to see and understand the similarities in the relationship with the way I’d felt as a child — my father wasn’t an alcoholic, so I’d convinced myself there were no similarities, but he was absent and every time I saw him he’d be with a woman, so I rarely experienced time with him being “available.” There were loads of other similarities, not in the details but with the feelings I experience — of feeling excited to spend time with someone and then let down that they chose a drink/ drug/ to be with someone else, rather than to share quality time together. I didn’t feel special.

    Eventually I decided to put myself first. I did everything I could — counseling, massage, energy work, getting fit. When I finally left him for good, I am sure I experienced depression, it felt like no one would ever understand me the way he did, I didn’t think he would survive without me, all that kind of stuff — but I worked though it. I had no idea how I’d move on being single, how would anyone compare, it had been such a long time!

    It’s been over 3 years since I last saw him and although I hear from him now and again (and know he’s still a mess), I feel lighter and free. I know I will love him forever. I still believe with all my heart that he is a beautiful guy — we shared the best and the worst years of my life. I was ok with the bad times because there were so many good times, but it wore me down and I forgot who I was. I have grieved for the years I thought we were going to share, the dreams I have had to let go of. The difference now is that I love myself and put myself first. I am not prepared to sacrifice my life for someone who won’t self-reflect and try to help himself. I know I tried to do everything I could. I would have walked to hell and back by his side if he’d asked me to, but he didn’t want what I wanted and that was a killer to face.

    I love him unconditionally and without expectation — no matter whether he is sober or not and I want nothing but happiness and peace for him, whoever he is and whatever he does, but I had to choose not to have him in my life.

    I have been in a new relationship for nearly 2 years and it took the first year to unravel a lot of my baggage. I realised that I wasn’t used to feeling stable. To experience stability has been challenging — it’s definitely not up and down. The highs aren’t so high and the lows aren’t so low. I’ve started to get used to being with someone positive, fun, lighthearted and stable. I mistook it for boring at the beginning, but in honesty the cycle of destruction I experienced before became boring — I was bored of finding myself in the same situation going over the same crap. I knew it was me that had to change. Boy, oh boy, it’s been tough taking responsibility and facing my stuff, but it has been so worth it.

  426. Gina January 2016 at 12:04 am

    When they say they don’t know why they stopped at the liquor store to make the purchase, they really are committed to alcoholism. It is sad to let them kill themselves slowly, and watch. As his wife, I have been very patient and waiting for 4 years for him to stop. He just told me that he doesn’t think he can do it. He knows that our marriage is on the line — and it is, so he is moving out.

  427. Gina January 2016 at 11:06 am

    I have been with my boyfriend for 12 years. It started out fine, because we both liked to party. I was 22 when I met him, young, green, inexperienced. He was 30, a musician, and I was in awe of him. We experimented with a lot of things and broke up several times because I needed a break from that lifestyle and he didn’t.

    Fast-forward 5 years and I got pregnant with our first son. I had already left that old life behind, and he did stop doing the hard stuff, but continued to drink. His drinking caused me to leave him during both pregnancies, but his promises to stop and my desire for family pulled me back in. Now I deal with a man who drinks 6 nights a week, sometimes 7, and comes home utterly smashed at 5 or 6 am. Unfortunately, I have to wake up at 6 am for my job, so I get to deal with him.

    Our children have seen him like this more times then I can count and they are getting older and beginning to notice. “Daddy is acting weird. What’s wrong with him?.” I lie to them and say he is just tired. I have begged him not to let them see him that way. He is mean, nasty, combative, vindictive, verbally abusive and has at times been physically abusive (shoving, blocking my way, grabbing me hard enough to leave a bruise, bending my thumb back) towards me.

    I have a plan. I am in therapy, attend Al-Anon meetings and have a small support system of people who know the truth. 6 months to save some money (just as a safety net as I make a bit more then he does and can continue our lifestyle, thankfully) and I will be asking him to leave. Part of my support is actually his own brother (whom we rent from) and his step-father. They know who he is and they know what is coming and will be there to make him leave, as he would never go willingly.

    I am almost there. I know I don’t have to suffer silently or be ashamed. I did not cause this person to act this way, no matter what he has tried to make me believe. People will help, if I just ask. We all deserve happiness and no one has the right to make us feel small.

  428. Maria January 2016 at 1:42 am

    I met my husband in 2013. I dated him for a year, living with him for 5 months prior to our marriage. We had to marry in order to be together. He had orders for Masawa, Japan — he’s military. I left my career, etc. to be by his side.

    Well, it is Saturday afternoon here and I am spending another day locked in my bedroom. He started drinking this morning at 9:30. I busted him at it and his excuse was it was last night’s glass. I called him out, reminding him that I cleaned up his glass from last night. “I only had a sip” was followed by him bringing up every subject in the book that caused me or my teens pain. We all lock ourselves down in our rooms to get away from him, hearing how “I haven’t done anything. Why are you mad at me?”

    If I even have a glass of wine, then I have a problem. I go days or weeks without so much as a sip, but he can’t go 48 hours without approaching me with, “Let’s make a deal.”

    We will soon be married for 2 years and I already want out. But out to what? My career is gone — no parents, etc. How will I support my kids without my career? My home is gone and the money was spent re-establishing ourselves here in Japan — on cars, etc. To report him to his supervisors means his career and our family’s financial well-being is over. He cannot seek help because AA out here reports back to his supervisors.

    The only thing that keeps me going at times is my kids, but then again what kind of mother am I to put them in this situation? Maybe they would be better off without me and could return to my ex in-laws. I continuously ask God, “What did I do to deserve this?” He didn’t drink or act like this before we married, because I honestly would have never married him. I at one time wondered if he did and I didn’t notice. But all the kids to include his own daughters don’t remember him “drinking this much in the states.”

    I couldn’t ask for a better husband when he is sober, but those times of sobriety are fewer and fewer between. I envy his co-workers — they get to have the man I married, while I only see that man for about an hour after he gets home and the effects of alcohol kick in.

  429. Veigh January 2016 at 12:34 am

    I sympathize with all of you. I am 62 years old, have been married 28 years to a man who is wonderful while sober. I like to have a cocktail at 5:00 p.m. My husband likes to have cocktails all night, or all day if it is summer and he has to mow the lawn starting in the morning (We have 3 acres so it takes all day) to drink his beer. Makes it real hard to have a nice meal at the end of the day. With each other.

    I like my cocktail. I look forward to the end of the day to relax for a moment, but I don’t turn into an a-hole at the end of the day. I’m told what he thinks I am — well, you get the picture. I guess you just have to deal with it. I’m 62. Retired. I don’t know where I would go from here.

  430. ashley January 2016 at 10:59 pm

    Night before last was horrible. I started packing the next day. I took him to his first AA meeting. He doesn’t drink every day, from what I know, but when he does and mixes the pills he turns into my own personal form of domestic terrorism. Just learning about Al-Anon. Just want my husband back and not this two-eyed monster who abuses me.

  431. Michelle January 2016 at 10:46 pm

    I love my husband a lot, and the story is the same — he is a great man when he’s sober and an ass when he’s drunk. We’ve been together for 3 years, married for 1.5 years. We have a beautiful daughter together, and I have a son from a previous relationship that he helps me raise.

    I know he loves and cares for his family, but his drinking needs to end. He drinks 3 cases of beer a week and that’s not including the beers he has every day on his way home from work, or the drinks he consumes if we go out to dinner. He drinks every night. And is drunk most nights. He drinks to the point of blacking out and not recalling his activities weekly.

    He doesn’t think he has a problem, and thinks he has cut back. His family is of no help, and won’t address his issue. I don’t want to leave and uproot my children, but this way of life isn’t healthy.

    He gets loud and angry when he’s drinking, and gets progressively worse as the night wears on. I used to argue back because his accusations were so outrageous, but now I just walk away. I won’t let him near our daughter or my son once he’s started drinking, because I don’t trust him. It’s not a healthy lifestyle. It’s just so hard to leave and to start over. I really don’t think he will change; he is too set in his ways.

  432. Misty January 2016 at 9:45 am

    Well, my story is the same as everyone’s. I’m married to the most amazing man, when he is sober. He doesn’t think he has a problem, he doesn’t think he does anything wrong, he is very verbally abusive, and he always makes me feel like it’s my fault, which I sometimes believe.

    I really want to leave and start over, after 23 years. But I selfishly don’t want to be broke and have to work two jobs. So I’m at a point where I decide which is going to be better to live with — alcohol binges every couple of months, or possible happiness all the time by myself, being poor. Or maybe it won’t be happy times.

    I don’t know and I don’t think I’m strong enough to find out. I think alcoholics that “love” you, will never fully love you, because they can’t. I think their first love is always the bottle. I’m exhausted emotionally and torn up inside!

  433. Katherine January 2016 at 3:15 pm

    Glad I found this site and the posts. I have broken up with my boyfriend at least 8 times over the past 4 years. He lived with me for about 8 months in 2013 before I “put him out.” He is a charmer and has continued to be in my life.

    I can’t tell you how many times I thought I would literally have a heart attack dealing with him when he is drunk and obnoxious and belligerent to me, all the time swearing he has had nothing to drink. His family thinks I will take care of him, but I am 56 years and don’t deserve the pain that he causes me.

    I have felt guilty and realize he does this to me, but it isn’t my issue — it is his. We are not married nor live together. I even moved 4 hours away to be near my children, and he has talked about following me.

    He has admitted he has a drinking problem — however, never seriously. It’s a big joke. He has also lied to me on several occasions, that he is going to meetings. As soon as I let him back in my life, he is back to drinking and denying, always has to have that stashed bottle of vodka somewhere.

    I am praying for him daily, as this is all I can do. He mentioned Al-Anon to me, but as I read about it, why should I do this? It’s not my problem. We are not married, and I have done nothing but try to get away from him for the past 2 years.

    After reading these posts, I have decided those tiny thoughts that he will get better, that make me continue to communicate with him and occasionally see him — well, I will never listen to those thoughts again.

    I am moving on and leaving it in God’s hands. That might sound mean, as he tells me, but I have to preserve my sanity. I deserve so much more and am much happier alone.

    Thanks to the posts and for helping me know what to do. I will pray for everyone, as this is all I can do.

  434. Summer January 2016 at 12:49 am

    My father is a nightmare to be around. I am currently living in my college dorm. I worry for my mom and our pets. He is a functional drinker. He works and excuses his actions because he worked all day. He has an office job with secretaries who do his job for him. When he’s drunk, he becomes loud, angry, rude, unreasonable, etc.

    He was in the Marines and uses that as a crutch to drink. I genuinely hate being around him, period. He makes me feel guilty because he has to pay for my college books. But my scholarships and grants pay for everything else. I am hoping to save enough to buy my own books for this next semester. My goal is to become an optometrist, then take my mom and pets out from under him.

  435. Mua January 2016 at 11:21 pm

    As I read these posts, I realize that my situation really isn’t any different. They drink, they’re jerks. They sober up, they promise to change. I’m going to go ahead and get out now while the kids are young.

    The hell with all the drunken cowards unwilling and unable to act like men and fathers. Shame on you. You are the problem, not me. I will be better without you. Our children will be better without you. If you can learn to help yourself, maybe we will want something to do with you again sometime. Goodbye.

  436. Kimberly January 2016 at 7:18 pm

    I currently have two jobs. I’m so sick of living this way. We fight. He doesn’t work. I’m 51 years old and never thought this would be my life.

    I love my husband, but I don’t know how much more I can take. It’s like babysitting a grown man. He is also bipolar. I feel guilty when I think of leaving him. I truly believe if I leave him he will die.

  437. Betsy January 2016 at 12:57 am

    My mom’s boyfriend is an alcoholic. As someone who’s had to put up with her last one as well, I can say that while, yes, he is addicted to it, I can also say he’s acting like an overgrown child.

    There’s a difference between drinking and being an ass. (Here’s an example: I’m autistic. I used to have a classmate whose autism “forced” him to have “meltdowns.” I eventually got tired of it and called him out publicly, in front of both his mother and our teacher. The “meltdowns” were tantrums over not getting his way — once he realized it was no longer working, they stopped. There’s a difference between being ill and being an ass).

    She started dating him this summer and he’s already pressured her into quitting her job and we are now living together. He demands to be the only source of income (which, given how he makes $30,000 every 60 days so long as he works (If he wasn’t drunk all the time, it could be twice that), would be understandable — if he didn’t buy so much alcohol that, after paying two months worth of bills, that we run out of money to buy food with in one month). Given this is what happened with the last one (who is likely the main reason the smell of alcohol causes my vomiting and panic attacks. Guess who’s missed over a month of school before the school year is even half done, because her ulcers are acting up from stress?).

    I can’t put up with eight more years of this — it’s bringing up bad memories and literally makes me ill.

  438. Hazel January 2016 at 6:23 pm

    I’ve been married for 18 years this year and have two beautiful little girls. Tonight I’ve finally realised that my husband will never change. He has secretly drank for the past 10 years and been verbally and very physically abusive.

    I always forgive and hope that he will change. I try and believe his apologies and promises that it will never happen again. I am a strong woman and yes I used to be one of those women that asked, “Why does she put up with that? Is she weak and stupid?” And now, it is me.

    I stay because I understand that sometimes life gives you lemons and my husband has been given nothing but lemons! That is, until he met me and I have given him love, reassurance, support, two beautiful daughters, a lovely home and yet still he works hard to destroy this.

    I’ve finally reached the end of my tether and I’m getting off this terrible emotional roller coaster.

  439. Jenny B January 2016 at 10:15 pm

    This is just such a silent, destructive disease. Every submission I read I can relate to — so I am going to email — I am lost and need help.

  440. Jas January 2016 at 1:08 am

    I have been married 1 year and with my husband for 8 years. When we got together he was a drinker and I was too, but we were young and liked to party. He drank every day and it didn’t bother me until we moved away to another state and I found a job quickly and he didn’t. He partied every day while I worked a full-time job.

    We moved to our very own apartment 4 months later and his drinking got worse. We fought a lot and it got violent sometimes, just pushing and breaking stuff. He would drink so much that I’d be at work and he would show up telling me to give him my bank card or he’d make a scene.

    He would have seizures and black-out and pass blood. Then one day he quit drinking and smoking cold-turkey, because he wanted to be better. He was sober for 2 or 3 years. Things were good. We had a baby and located to a place with more opportunities. He loved his job and then he proposed. A few months later he started drinking again, because his back went out at work and it wasn’t getting better.

    He started getting depressed. He started off with just a few beers, because he said he just felt like a beer — wasn’t getting drunk, but then it turned into a 6-pack, then a 12-pack. Then a 24-pack. Then he started drinking hard liquor, which started off at pints, then fifths. He is now drinking fifths and 2 beers.

    He’s starting his patterns again, getting drunk, then taking off and withdrawing all the money in the bank to gamble. He used to do that before, the first time he quit. I told him if he messes up again I’m done. But then tonight we were arguing because after drinking a pint and 2 tall cans he took the car to go get more.

    I don’t approve of drinking and driving, so I was livid. I don’t care if the store is around the corner. Anyways, we were arguing about that and I’m telling him he has a problem, you need to quit. And he has the audacity to tell me to change being a slob, go for walks. I’ve been working harder to make sure the house is clean. And I just started doing small exercises because I’ve been gaining weight being a stay-at-home mom. He’s trying to make all these excuses, that he works hard to support us and he deserves to unwind.

    I get angry every time he buys booze because I’m afraid he’s gonna mess up again. He has a great job and I don’t want him to mess it up. He’s the meanest person to me when he’s drinking. I don’t know how to help him anymore. I want him to quit and be happy again, because we are not happy. He’s drinking every other day as of right now, but it can easily change. He’s also bi-polar and, I’m sure, manic-depressive. It runs in his family.

    When he messes up, it’s because he’s gone on a suicide run — which means he loses all the money, then calls me to pick him up after midnight, because he feels terrible. I just don’t know how much of this I can take.

  441. Dana January 2016 at 1:27 am

    My marriage of 9 years has been a roller coaster of benders, vacations ruined, special occasions, birthdays, etc. because of his idea of “what better time to be drunk.” He finally started recognizing he has a problem a few years ago, but now his benders are more lengthy, more dangerous, and more violent. Then he will “get on the wagon” and be sober for 2, 3, 4 months — completely abstain from drinking.

    About the time I start trusting him and believe we are past this, he goes on another bender. Drunk 24 hours a day. Last time was for a full week at a hotel out of town. Only reason he stopped was because I got in touch with friends and family he was texting. We put all our information together and figured out where he was, and I drove 3 hours to where he was, found him and dragged him to his parents house, who babysat him and shamed him into sobering up. Then all was well for a few months, and now he’s started again.

    This time I told him, “I’m not arguing or chasing. It’s fine. You can drink what you want.” I don’t know if I did the wrong thing. I don’t know if I leave him or I ignore his benders. I don’t know what to do.

  442. elaine January 2016 at 9:01 am

    Where do I start. Everything I have just read is me. I’ve been married for 30 years and I dearly love my husband. He provides well, and we are both professional people. And he again, sober, is the nicest bloke anyone would meet.

    Then there is the other husband, the one who drinks a bottle of rum every night, who becomes abusive verbally. We live in separate parts of the house, spending our time apart as I can’t bear him when he drinks. Retirement looms. Is it going to get worse when he doesnt have a job to hold down any more.

    I ask myself, what can I do, where can I go. I can’t leave him, so I don’t know where to go.

  443. Rita January 2016 at 7:07 pm

    I’m in love with an alcoholic. I don’t want to leave him. I love him more than anyone I’ve ever met and I’m 60 and will never meet anyone like him again. I don’t know what to do.

    The problem is his drinking. I don’t want to nag. I don’t want to leave. I believe that at some point he will go back to AA. What he’s like when he’s sober is worth 1,000 times what I have to go through when he’s drinking. He’s never been abusive, except for being late or making rude comments. Why can’t this be fixed? What makes a man go back to AA?

    I really want to do what is best for him, because I do not want to leave. I’ve been with many people and he is the best thing I’ve ever found. If this is a disease, then I want to be part of fixing it. I will stick by him. I myself have problems and he’s always stuck by me. If I am being a fool, I’d rather be a fool with him than be horribly depressed without him.

  444. Theresa January 2016 at 1:55 pm

    When do you say enough is enough? I have been married 2 years and with my husband for 9 years. Within the last year he has been hiding the bottle, as if I do not know he has been drinking.

    Like all the others, he is a great guy, very giving. But when the firewater starts going through his blood he gets angry, yells and is verbally abusive. We no longer go anywhere, because he cannot be away from home very long. He goes to work and works hard, but once home the bottle is being poured.

    He has heart issues and is overweight, I just hate watching someone I love kill himself. I have asked for God’s guidance.

  445. Evey January 2016 at 11:51 pm

    Everything I’ve read here is like all of you just let these fools of men take control of you. And you always try to make things better — hide and help him drink as long as he behaves. How I know this is because this is me for the 20 years I’ve been with this man. Everyone says get help, make it work. Number 1 — this is costly, and he’s the one with the problem and doesn’t think he wants help.

    Maybe I’m just going to throw in the towel and start living my life, because his alcoholism has taken a toll on me and I’m like — what do I do? I love him and when he’s not here I miss him. I’ve been thinking and I’m sure I love myself more.

    My heart aches and my eyes are always swollen, due to all the crying. I’ve called the cops on him — he says, I’m gonna change? It’s been 20 years, he’s not going to change.

    I can’t even leave the house, afraid he’s going to be drunk when I get back home. I feel like I’ve been in jail. If people only knew the pain I go through every other day. I truly believe I can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. I can’t keep living a lie. I feel like we are there not because we are stupid, but because we believe and we hope for change that will never come.

  446. pet January 2016 at 2:50 pm

    Reading all this makes me even more sad at how many women suffer within marriage. I cannot even put in words how much I empathize with all of it. I had that hell as a child with my parents and have it again now. Like you all mentioned, my husband is a very nice man when he sober, which is a few hours a day if I am lucky. Now these days, he is a full blown alcoholic, but can’t and doesn’t want to see it.

    It’s such a cold, loveless and lonely place to be in, and there seems no way out of it, as there is no proper communication, just denial and avoidance. At least there is the Internet, as with all this headache and heartache one doesn’t know where to turn to, and can share the pain. They can make you feel like it’s all your fault. There is just no getting through to them.

  447. Aggi January 2016 at 5:41 pm

    I am disabled with MS. My husband drinks every day, even though he has diabetes. He is Jekyll and Hyde and thinks it is everybody else who is wrong and refuses to admit he has a problem and says it’s my nagging that causes his problems.

  448. Berni January 2016 at 9:19 pm

    I am at a crossroads. I’ve had enough. My husband of 20 years is an alcoholic and just like most of you expressed, his drinking is out of control. He lies, he is manipulative, violent and what’s worse he is has 2 children out of wedlock due to his alcoholic episodes. We have no children, thank God — no life, either. I hate him, but realize for my heart I have to forgive and leave.

    I just can’t take the betrayal. I am ready to give him the ultimatum to get help or I am out. He loves his bottle more than life. He hides the bottles. He lies about where he is going to drink. He was functional, but now he is out of control.

    I fear for his health. He doesn’t see what a low place he is in. I can be a catalyst to point him in the right direction, but I cannot let this destroy me too. I cannot enable him either. Unless he makes the choice to get help, I am out. Enough.

  449. carol December 2015 at 9:27 am

    Wow! All those comments were all about us. I’ve been there and seen it all. My husband of 41 years of marriage is an alcoholic. The early years were great. We both worked good jobs, had a home built and 2 beautiful sons. We both had affairs, but that didn’t solve anything — only made more pain. I knew about him, but he never found out about me. He was always so jealous, because he knew what he was doing.

    Over the years he has provided well, but his drinking gets worse. He’s been locked up for DUI and had to serve time on weekends so he could keep his job. Worst of all, be had bleeding ulcers and lost almost 5 pints of blood and had surgery to close up the large holes in his stomach and was in ICU for 5 days. Once he recovered, it was right back to the bottle.

    Why do I stay? Good question. I am a born-again Christian and I guess I feel that I am his only hope. Sure, I’ve left him before, but we always seem to want to be together. It’s love that keeps me, and my love for God.

    I am now 60 years old and he is 68. I don’t know if he will ever stop drinking, but living with him is painful, and living without him is even harder. I’ve learned how to tune him out. We live in separate parts of the house and come together for meals or to discuss the bills. Whatever money is left, he drinks up until his next check. We both are retired and he is on disability. I have a savings but have to keep it a secret because he will make me use it for bills, so he will have more money to drink up.

    We’ve never been to any kind of counseling or anything and whenever I bring it up he says he does not need help. He held a job for 35 years and that’s what led me to believe he was right. Time is taking a toll on me and our marriage. I’ve made myself be just satisfied with it all.

  450. Laura December 2015 at 1:55 am

    I have been with the love of my life for 5 years now. I found out he was alcoholic well into our relationship. He is the most wonderful, caring, considerate man until he drinks, then he turns into a very critical and emotionally abusive person. He always says, “I’m not in reality when I have been drinking.” He wants to pick a fight every time he drinks. I try my hardest to ignore him or just be calm. It hurts me so bad inside. I feel like I am screaming, but no one hears me.

  451. Mom December 2015 at 5:33 pm

    My husband is alcoholic.

    When he was drunk, he broke everything. He pushed me and my children. I am so tired of this. Ten years this has happened.

  452. Liz December 2015 at 11:14 am

    Married 27 years to the best man I have ever known. 15 years into the marriage, he became a binge-alcoholic at age 55. Imagine my surprise! It can happen to anyone at any time!

    Success rate of recovery is 3 out of 10. Not good odds. After the loss of just about everything and 12 years of living in an emotional hell, I divorced him, blocked his phone number and started my own withdrawal.

    I had a very good self-image and a solid love of God, but it got me anyway! Now I am climbing back out. I sure as heck did not want to give up. I just wanted the man I married back, but he is gone forever.

    When you no longer respect them, trust them and are embarrassed by them, you can only forgive them. However, the marriage cannot survive with no respect or trust. My words to him were, “We have a sober friendship. In others words, if you are sober, we are friends. If you are drunk, do not come to the house, do not call me (I block his number), and good luck to you!”

    I was fortunate that his drinking started after our four kids were grown and out of the house. How awful when it affects the children! I have come to learn that “givers” need to set boundaries, because “takers” never do! May God bless each and every one of you!

  453. sheri December 2015 at 8:34 pm

    I am 50 years old. A little over a year ago I met and married the love of my life. It was a brief romance. He was very truthful about being an alcoholic with 20+ years in recovery. He definitely knows the “talk.”

    He has been drinking the whole time. Just like the others above. Drinking, he becomes another person. A real jerk. Sober, he is a great guy. What I realize is this; he loves his whiskey more than anyone or anything. It controls him. I’ve also realized there is nothing I can say or do to make him better or different. He has to reject alcohol completely, on a daily basis.

    My allowing him to drink is only enabling his addiction. He is passed out now. Tomorrow, we talk. I pray God gives me the words and the strength to know what to do.

  454. Graciep December 2015 at 8:47 pm

    I have an incredible 28-year-old son. Type-1 diabetic since age 12. Seems as though there is much commonality with experiencing a family member actively drinking. The behaviors are bizarre and it simply makes me cringe. I realize seeing him in a drunken stupor every evening and then “worrying” about his sugar through the night does no one any positives.

    Being fairly educated on the diabetes aspect just makes me envision the health effects of the sugar in the alcohol as well as the disease. This disease does ravage through the family.

    The lies, manipulation alone are difficult to deal with. The anger bursts and the “visual” when impaired and the “food-binge” and mess are fairly intolerable. I see “a soul” in hiding or absent.

    I truly feel for all those whose lives are touched by this disease. I know it has robbed my own heart many times. I wish there was a magic button. It seems so so true that you just cannot “help” yet go thru much chaos when saying “no.” Actually carrying around a form of humiliation, due to
    this disease, and how my son’s life seems to have turned into a “bad movie” with no future.

  455. Kathy December 2015 at 11:09 am

    I love my husband very much. He is my best friend, he makes me laugh, he takes care of me and my daughter, and he is a very hard worker. But sometimes when he drinks, he turns into a jerk. He can be mean. He brags and exaggerates. He makes hurtful comments. He thinks he’s being funny and “is just teasing,” but the words still hurt.

    When he is sober, he is a wonderful man. He has stopped drinking in the past, at one point for 8 years (this was before we met). I know he has the willpower to quit. During our lives together he has gone for 8-9 months at a time with no alcohol. But when something stressful happens, he starts again. And he can’t have just one or two. He guzzles down 6 or more beers and turns into a different person. I am starting to hate that person.

    I don’t want to talk to him or be around him when he drinks. I am afraid of him. Not because he hurts me physically, but because he can be cruel. My first husband was an emotionally abusive man, and it has taken me a long time to get past the pain and trauma of our marriage and move forward. Now I feel like I am back in the same place.

    I am tired, sad and angry all the time now. I dread going home if I know he’s been drinking. If he was an a*hole all the time, it would be easy to walk away. But when he is sober he is wonderful.

    Why do things have to be this way? What is it about me that makes him want to drink? He tells me he loves me and I am worth it (quitting drinking), but he has made these promises so many times in the past. And ultimately he always breaks them. Am I a fool for believing in him? Is it my fault he drinks?

    I try so hard to be a good wife and mother. I work hard, I keep the house clean, I support him in everything he does and we have a successful business together too. Am I just kidding myself? Waiting for a miracle that will never happen? I just want us to be together. As a family. Sometimes I am so depressed now I think about driving my car off a bridge. Or taking too many pills. I feel like I am in such a pit of despair. I know I need help.

  456. Cassandra December 2015 at 2:44 am

    I married only two months ago. I’m 27 years old. It seems like after marriage everything got worse. I’ve lost it. I had been so patient with my husband, always positive when he was down and out, felt so much love for him. All I wanted was to show him how much he was worth loving. He’s a very sensitive and unhappy person, just miserable with his life. I would beat myself up over trying to figure out why he drinks — if I can only help him, he’d then be happy and move forward and live peacefully, and then he’d love me as I deserve. But things just got worse.

    I lost my job, which I have come a long way from, lost my children because they are afraid of him and hurt that he keeps hurting me, angry with me. I then got pregnant. Having already one ectopic pregnancy, I still felt the need to please him, to give him what he so badly wanted — a little girl. I was naive to think it’d bring us closer, after one of his drunken episodes where he tried to kill me — poured lighter fluid on me, threatening to light me on fire, screaming at me how unworthy of a mother I was, how my children deserved better, how he deserved better.

    I can’t believe he’d want to hurt me so bad. He wasn’t even upset with me. The trigger to that episode didn’t even start with me. I had learned to not argue with a drunk, after ending up in the hospital prior and with eight stitches, on crutches for a week.

    We had finally gotten pregnant, after a year and a half of trying to conceive. We first thought it was going to be a miscarriage, to find out only a few days later it was another ectopic pregnancy. I can no longer have children. With all that pain, he left me in the hospital. After making excuses to leave, he ended up drunk. I recovered well, so went home the same day. But in all that time after hearing that I could no longer have children all I found myself thinking was how he was going to leave me because I couldn’t give him a little girl, how much of a failure I felt as a wife, a woman. He took care of me after surgery, apologized, said he’d never leave me, but then after two weeks he had yet another episode, threatening to leave, divorce me, go sleep with his son’s mother or his ex, and go live with her, have children with her. He then acts like nothing happened after he takes off, then calls like nothing is wrong.

    I’m losing my mind. I’m losing myself. I do not know how much more of this I can take. I have panic attacks, anxiety, because I never know if he is going to have a good day or a bad day. I don’t know where or how I will get enough strength to walk away. I feel like if I leave him, I’ve failed him and my marriage. I don’t know when it’s enough and it’s time to walk away.

  457. rut December 2015 at 7:26 pm

    Am a 29-year-old lady. My partner is diabetic and alcoholic. He is 52 years old. We have 1 kid. The last 3 months he spent in the hospital because he had type 1 diabetes and it was a very bad situation. He was even in a coma. I thought when he left the hospital he would stop drinking alcohol. But now he has started drinking and his sugar is getting high, and every night he has a problem. Every week he will go to the hospital and come back. Now I really feel worried. He is a nice guy for his family, but I don’t know what I can do or how I can help.

  458. Jami December 2015 at 8:34 pm

    Well, my fiancé just recently left me. I’m pregnant with his child, 28 weeks. He left me 4 days ago. It’s so hard because he’s been going to the bar every night and he’s in love with his friends, I swear. He has his other daughter, but leaves her with his mom while he goes and parties. It’s so hard. I love him and he just left, hasn’t talked to me or anything.

  459. Miche December 2015 at 11:20 pm

    Hearing your ordeals really helps me cope with my own trials and tribulations of loving an alcoholic! Before we got married, I addressed the issue with him and told him that I am just not equipped to deal with this issue, but the drinking benders continued. Life had become violent drunken outbursts followed by 2 to 3 weeks of joy, peace, and tranquility.

    I thought I had reached the breaking point when I needed police intervention because his violence escalated to the point that I was afraid of him and for him. If I had pressed charges, he would have been arrested. I thought we had hit bottom and he would finally address the issue.

    He swore that he would seek treatment, go to couple’s counseling, and see a psychiatrist. Of course all that costs money, and is prohibitively expensive without insurance. And so, we got married, not only for the benefits he would receive as my spouse, but because of how much I love the incredible person he is when he is sober. He made all the good faith efforts that I expected and even made vows of temperance, moderation, & healthy living to me, in front of friends and family at our wedding.

    We are two months into the marriage and nothing has changed: drunken violent episodes with interims of tranquility, calm, recompense and apology. The transformation that he undergoes is so dramatic that I think of them as entirely different people. I am in the middle of a bender currently, and all I can think is, “When is this a-hole leaving, and when is my husband coming back?!”

    I used to feel that the drinking and inebriation was a personal affront, and would respond by throwing insults right back at him. I realize that I have nothing to do with his drinking. While he blames everything and everyone for his drinking, it is irrational for me to blame all of our problems or personal issues on his drinking. I have learned to not react to him during his benders, but only agree with him and speak soothingly.

    I am determined to get us, me, and him into therapy and treatment.

  460. Sandra December 2015 at 9:13 pm

    I’m losing patience and becoming a crazy person in the process. My husband binge-drinks on the weekend, especially on Sundays because NFL is on–and since he works all week he feels as if this is his earned right. He drinks alone and starts drinking before 11 a.m. every Sunday and then makes a big mess in the kitchen, which he never cleans. I ask him nicely to clean his messes, after the 4th time I lose it. At 32 you should be able to clean your own mess. His mom’s a big drinker, wine, which is his choice. I truly believe this is learned behaviour and he thinks drinking is okay and normal.

    I grew up in a house where drinking alcohol was not the norm, unless it was a special occasion–like Christmas. But never did my parents get drunk. For this reason I am not a big drinker. I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and want my kids to have the same views on drinking that I did, as opposed to my husband.

    When he’s sober, he’s a great guy. Unfortunately he has made me hate weekends, because I’ll have to deal with him being drunk. I don’t know what to do about this. I talk to him about it all the time and he doesn’t think it’s a problem. I’ve even brought it up to his parents and been laughed at, saying he’s my problem now. He’s an addiction counselor, so you would think he’d recognize his problem.

    I’m so lost. So angry.

  461. emily November 2015 at 2:58 pm

    My sponsor at Al-Anon gave me a great metaphor recently. Our son had shouted at his father, “You are an alcoholic.” I was mortified that he’d spoken to his dad like that, as it would lead to trouble and upset and I’m a great one for keeping the statuesque.

    My sponsor said, “When we live with a drinker, it’s as though we are visited every evening by a hippopotamus. It can be fun for a while. Then the hippo starts to be a nuisance. He breaks things and makes a horrible mess everywhere. He tramples on people we love and makes rude noises. Finally, after making everyone unhappy, he falls asleep.

    In the morning we see that the hippo has become a coffee table! A useful coffee table, which is quite handsome, and we keep it at the heart of our home. People say, “What a lovely coffee table,” and we polish it up and say, “Yes, it’s our lovely coffee table.”

    Your son is pointing out to everyone that this is no coffee table (no matter what his mother says). It is a hippopotamus!

  462. Jane November 2015 at 9:58 am

    So, I secretly married my fiancé, now husband, a couple months ago. Our kids don’t know, just my mum and 2 friends. I thought it would help with his insecurities.

    He’s jealous, anyway, but when he drinks it’s horrendous and he becomes violent toward me.

    After an afternoon of drinking, with lunch and friends, we went into the pool bar at the hotel we were at, and a man with his wife began talking to us all, as did his wife. My fiancé lost control. We got home separately, as he was going on to drink more, whereas I was ready for home. Yet, when I returned he had already got back to our place. The violence was horrendous and our place looked like a robbery had taken place and I called the police too. I didn’t press charges in the end, but I moved out. Two weeks later, a trip to the doctor’s and him being put on meds, and I returned. He didn’t drink for a couple of months, but then it’s started again and he said, “He can handle his drink.” After not seeing him for two weeks due to travel and work, we went out yesterday.
    He started again, questioning my loyalty, my love and adoration to him.

    After a nasty previous break-up and my ex taking my children, I have shown my love to him and my desire to be with him, but have explained that I don’t need him to survive — but I want him in my life always.

    The result of this was him grabbing me round the throat and almost breaking my back over a wall! He then took my purse, phone, and shoes and left me. As he walked off, I ran away and hid. Two hours later, he found me asleep on a concrete floor in our building’s car park. He was sorry, full of apologies, begging for forgiveness, promising to change.

    I do love him, but don’t know how much more I can take. If I go, I have lost everything — my kids and home to my ex, and now this! I don’t know why he won’t stop drinking and hurting me. It’s been three years.

  463. help November 2015 at 10:50 pm

    It’s so amazing to read all these comments and know that I’m not the only one who is going through this.

    My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 6 and he is a functioning alcoholic. He is hateful and ugly and so verbally abusive to me when he is drinking. He is not the person I married or fell in love with.

    I don’t know what to do — I have nothing left to put into our relationship.

    Last night he was supposed to go into work but didn’t because he was too drunk, even though when I asked if he had been drinking he lied to my face and called me crazy. Isn’t it funny how ignorant they think we are? They think we can’t smell it or see the drunken haze in their eyes. I’m so tired of being lied to. I sometimes get more hurt with the lying and sneaking around than with him actually drinking. I feel like such a coward for putting myself through this day after day.

    So here I am writing this after a night of bathing our children and tucking our kids into bed again, alone, because he is gone off somewhere getting drunk. I wonder when I am going to have enough courage to pack our things and go.

  464. Kerri November 2015 at 4:30 pm

    I have been married to my alcoholic husband for almost 11 years; we have been together for 15. He has always drank. When he drinks enough, he is mean, not physically, but verbally. I have sat all day and read all the posts on this blog. I want to scream at some of you saying, “Why would you let someone do that? How can you let someone treat you like that!” And then I realize I let someone do that. I let someone make me cry and make me feel not good enough. I let someone scream at me and embarrass me. I let someone take away my joy because in the back of my mind I am waiting for him to get drunk and embarrass me or scream at my kids for something small. I allow him in my house to cause chaos and possibly emotionally scar my kids.

    What is wrong with me? I am an educated woman. I have a masters degree in, are you ready for this, counseling! I hear woman talk about their abusive, alcohol-addicted husbands and support them and tell them it’s not their fault. I tell them they are strong enough to leave. I tell them they can’t change the person, the person has to change themselves. I sit and wonder why they would allow someone like that in their lives. Then I go home to my dirty little secret. I go to home to my alcoholic husband. I go home to the stress and embarrassment.

    I know what I should do. I just can’t make myself do it. I love him, fiercely, but that is not the reason I stay. It is because I am embarrassed. I feel like I knew what I was getting when I married him. He didn’t hide this about himself. He didn’t wait until we were married to start drinking. I made an educated, calculated decision. I thought I could love him enough. I thought I could “fix” him. I thought he would love me enough to “fix” himself.

    I know he doesn’t drink because of me. I have met his family. I hear how they treat each other. I see how they interact. I know it isn’t my fault. That is what makes me stay too. If I go, I am leaving him to them. There is no seeing what a happy family can be. There is bitterness and resentment and hatred. It is all the things that make him drink. When he is sober, he sees what “normal” can be. He likes it. He is a better man today than he was when I met him. He wants to change. He has a disease. I tell myself, would you leave him if he had cancer? No. I promised in front of God and everyone to love him in sickness and in health. I wasn’t lying. How can I leave? How can I allow him to treat me that way? How can I allow my kids to see how he is treating me? He is modeling for them how they are supposed to treat their mother and their wife. Is this how I want them to act towards me or their future wives? So I sit in indecision. I listen to the lies and shake my head. I protect my kids the best I can.

    Here is my next dark little secret. I hate myself a little more every day for being weak. For deluding myself. For not being the mother I need to be. For being scared. For loving someone who has no idea what love is. For thinking that I can “save” him and failing so miserably. For being embarrassed. For not asking for help. For not leaving. For not fighting harder. For not making the right decisions. For feeling like it is my fault. For allowing someone to make me feel like I am worthless. For allowing someone to have so much control over my feelings. I hate myself a little more every day.

  465. Amy November 2015 at 9:53 pm

    Another fight about his drinking — always seems like that’s all we ever fight about. Been married for 13 years, 3 kids, great jobs, but still I feel so alone and so unhappy. He tries to convince me that this is what men do. They go to work, come home and have a couple of beers — but those couple beers turn into a six-pack and then he turns into a different person. We cannot even keep alcohol in the house, because he feels tempted to drink it — but yet, he doesn’t have a problem.

    I just came home from work after a 12-hour day ( he’s out by 3). Yes, he made dinner for the kids and cleaned up for me, but he’s drunk. Says he didn’t even have one beer, but doesn’t realize how much he smells of it.

    So, #1) he lied, and he does it so well, to the point where I start to second-guess myself. #2) He put my 13-year-old daughter in the middle of it and told her not to tell me. #3) He went as far as hiding the beer bottles — fight happens, he leaves and says he’s got places to go. You could probably find him at the corner bar, falling off the bar stool.

    Alcohol has consumed his life — not to mention causing infidelity. I stayed for my kids, thinking he would change — but it just seems like it’s getting worse. I feel so lost and so sick of being verbally abused and feeling like I make him so unhappy that the only way he could cope is by drinking.

  466. René November 2015 at 9:36 am

    I have been married for 25 years. We have 3 children, 2 have already left home and both have jobs. We still have 1 child at home — she finishes school in 2 years.

    My husband abuses alcohol. He has these drinking frenzies every other weekend. He will go out with his friends on a Friday evening, return in the early hours of the morning, falling over everything, puking. I sleep in my daughter’s room on these occasions.

    He does not abuse me physically, but uses bad language and will sometimes call me bad names or say that he is sick and tired of me. I try to be a model parent to my children. I don’t drink, smoke or hang out with friends. I spend most of my time at home with my daughter.

    I am worried, as it feels as if I don’t have any more feelings for my husband. I used to help him get to bed and make sure he’s okay. Lately I just leave him where he passes out. I don’t like him touching me anymore. We hardly speak when he’s sober. I’ve begged him to stop drinking.

    Lately he’s been lying about where he is, and he spends a lot of money at the bar in one evening, not that we can afford it. He gets angry at himself, but just does it again on the next occasion. He keeps saying he’s sorry and that he is going to try hard, but 2 weeks later it’s the same all over again. I don’t think I can go on this way.

  467. Maria November 2015 at 3:04 am

    It’s 3 a.m. here. I stumbled across this page in a search of what to do with an alcoholic husband. I guess I just need to get this out there since I haven’t slept in weeks and have no one to talk to.

    I’ve been married for one year and known my husband for nearly ten years total now. He’s the love of my life and always has been. We have a beautiful baby girl that’s getting ready to turn one. My husband is an alcoholic and I have accepted it. I have made rules like “only 3 beers a day”, “no alcohol in the vehicles”, “only drinking when we’re out without the baby”, etc. the list just goes on. My husband always promises and admits that he knows he’s an alcoholic. It usually only lasts for about a month. Then he’s back to drinking on a daily basis. I don’t know how much he spends on alcohol. He buys beer and keeps it at his buddy’s garage or in his truck and then brings more cases into the house.

    I’m so lost and hurt and worried. I have tried leaving him so many times to try and scare him into getting help. Again, it only ever works for about a month. I truly believe in my heart that he loves alcohol more than he loves our daughter.

    Tonight in my state of insomnia, I have been crying nonstop. I even went into our daughter’s room to just hold her for a bit to try and get myself calm. It only made me cry even harder. My husband has been drunk-driving again today. He was also supposed to be keeping an eye on our daughter while I helped my cousin in the other room. He completely forgot about her. I cried because I feel like it’s my fault, if something should have happened to her in that short time span. I feel guilty even though I know I truly didn’t do anything wrong.

    I find myself needing to drink lately. It scares the living stuff out of me. I don’t like drinking. I’m usually only a social drinker, but it’s constantly in our home and he’s constantly drinking, so I think, “Hey, I’ll have one to de-stress,” and then I find myself drinking more.

    Tonight, I’ve made the decision to be sober. I also made the decision to try one last time with my husband. I have nowhere to go with our daughter and no way of supporting us. But I can’t let my daughter grow up with an alcoholic father that can put her life in danger because he loves alcohol more than her. If my husband doesn’t stick to being sober this time around, I have to leave. I don’t know how I will do it physically and emotionally, but I know that I have to.

    I should note that I’ve said this plenty of times before and yet here I still am. Crying at night because I can’t sleep due to the stress he has me under due to his drinking. I guess all I can say is, thanks. Thank you for letting me get this written down. Maybe it won’t completely swallow me whole. Maybe I’ll be able to get out of this so I can save my daughter. God, I hope I can save my daughter and I really hope my husband can save himself.

  468. Nicola October 2015 at 4:58 am

    My partner of three years drinks, not every day, probably 3 times a week, but it is always vodka and always hell on earth. What surprises me the most reading this is that we all seem to put up with it because we love them. Also, like other comments, when he is sober everything’s great, but not when he’s drunk.

    He will start in on me over nothing, like he is picking a fight with me about my children, or putting me down. He doesn’t even know what he is saying half the time, but still there is the little man shouting at me, scaring me when I haven’t done anything wrong.

    I doubt myself and have to try hard to tell myself that there’s nothing wrong with me, this is his problem and he behaves this way to me because he is depressed and bitter. I hate it if it ever gets to the point of having to throw him out, as everything flares up 10 times worse. When I do, he’ll call the police on me and tell them that I’ve stolen his phone, wallet, etc. as it is still in the house at the time. It’s almost like a way of trying to “win” for him, I think, even though obviously the police are always more concerned about me.

    I’ve been told by the police that I need to be careful if reports go in to social services, as I’m seen as letting the behaviour carry on. But when I have kicked him out we are all miserable because, like I say, when he doesn’t drink it’s great and I don’t mean just ok, it’s great.

    I guess I don’t know what’s best to do for my little family. The kids see him as a stepfather and have been through so much upheaval already. I just want our happy ending now.

    There was a flare up a week ago when he rang the police on me again. I haven’t seen him since (have spoken on the phone) — not because I kicked him out, he knows that he has gone too far. I will see him today for my daughter’s birthday and I feel like it is make or break.

  469. Rosa October 2015 at 6:23 pm

    My fiancé is not only an abusive alcoholic, he is a type 1 diabetic. Our wedding is scheduled in a month and I am not sure I can go through with it. He drinks vodka every day after work and on his days off he drinks starting in the mornings until he passes out. When he drinks he becomes verbally abusive to me in front of my daughter. The combination of alcoholism and diabetes is horrible and causes extreme mood swings.

    Most nights he goes on a verbal rampage until I lock myself in the bedroom and he eventually passes out. His snoring is so loud it keeps me up through the night, along with him getting up and walking around the house making noise. I work early every day as a professional. We have been together for 6 years and his drinking has gotten worse and worse. He has caused problems at local places, gas stations, restaurants, etc. verbally abusing a variety of people just trying to make a living. Police have showed up at our home and he becomes quiet and apologetic. He has not yet been arrested. Eventually he will be if he continues this erratic behavior.

    The things he says to me are so horrible — I am worthless, I’m ugly, nobody wants me, I would be nothing without him, he can find a new woman in no time. It’s horrific. However, I know none of it’s true. He claims that he doesn’t remember saying those things.

    I go to bed crying most nights. It’s not fair to my daughter. I do not want to continue raising her like this. I realize that he is very sick but he is only 32 years old and is killing himself. Of course, when he is sober, he is quiet, nice, and fun. He must want me to leave, otherwise he would seek help. He claims he can’t stop drinking and needs help, but won’t get it.

    I’m tired of babysitting and covering for him. Eventually I fear the worst — accident, injury, or arrest. I feel depressed and alone. The worst part is my daughter having to go through this. My father is an addict and it destroyed my childhood. I can’t continue to do this to her. I did not want this life. I tried to break the cycle, and somehow ended up here.

  470. Kay October 2015 at 11:12 pm

    I have been married for 6 years and have known my husband for 8 years. We have three children. I’m not sure where to begin. I knew he drank a little, but I always thought it was just the typical beer after a hard day’s work.

    In the beginning, we had a great relationship and he really put a lot of effort into our marriage and relationship. Then I decided to further my education. It was a huge commitment on my part for 18 months, but somehow we made it through. I noticed him drinking more at this point. He had the responsibility of caring for the kids while I had class in the evenings. I think he got really stressed with making dinner, caring for the little ones, and our oldest had homework to do as well. It was too much for him to juggle.

    I started smelling beer on him when I would get home after a 15-hour day. I would be so upset because he was there with our kids. He would have them bathed and fed, but there was that smell and he would be slurring his words. We started fighting over it. He got worse.

    He would get full fledge drunk at this point. Passing out on our couch, while I was trying to manage the kids, dinner, etc. He would say that he was just exhausted, but I could smell it. Then he started just sleeping on the couch. Night after night would pass of the same old thing. Him drinking enough to be paased out on the couch. Me trying to wake him up to come to bed. Him getting irate and acting like a lunatic. Until finally, I quit trying to get him to come to bed.

    He lost his job. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, so I told my family and friends he was laid off. I covered for him. He had been late so many times, they were sick of it and fired him. He went to work at my family business and used the company card to buy beer. Many times. He was told he could stay but he would no longer be trusted. I was mortified again.

    He has a new job and started easing up on his drinking. However, it has changed. He drinks less in one sitting, but more often. He is angry at me all the time. He treats me like a burden. We never have sex and he lies constantly about his drinking. Constantly! I am educated and in a professionally licensed field. I have a reputation that is important to me, and my children deserve a normal childhood.

    I was brought up in a typical middle-class family with lots of love and laughter. My entire existence is nothing but happy memories. I want the same for my kids. His upbringing was one big party. His parents drank to excess. His father died of stomach cancer and liver failure. Both perpetuated by alcohol. I don’t know what to do. I still see the guy I married emerge every so often.

  471. Cristal October 2015 at 4:37 pm

    It pains me to see so much hurt in these comments, but it is also comforting knowing that so many others are going through alcohol problems with their spouse or family members.

    I have been married only two years. We married young and now have a daughter under one and we found out I am expecting again. We met in college and we both drank in college but for me it was just a phase — for him it was not. I thought that after marriage his drinking would subside and I think it has, but it has become a problem for our marriage.

    My husband is not physically abusive and usually not verbally abusive when he drinks. He is either in a really happy mood or a really depressed mood. I would say he drinks at least 2-3 times a week, but when he drinks he drinks until he gets drunk. He still holds a steady job and does not spend excessively, but he says it’s his right to spend his money and de-stress once in a while and that my nagging is only going to make it worse.

    Now that I’m pregnant again, I think he has gotten a wake-up call. When he is not drinking, it feels like we have the perfect marriage, but when he drinks it hurts me so much because I don’t want my kids to grow up with an alchoholic father and for them to have mental health issues as a result.

    He says he wants to stop but he can’t. Once it’s in his head, he has to drink and there’s no talking him out of it. What worries me the most is that he goes out to the bars and drives home. He hasn’t been pulled over yet, but it’s only a matter of time.

    Today was the first time I started researching how to help my husband, but all I can do is support him in getting real help because there’s not much I can do. I have gotten to the point where I told him that if it doesn’t stop by the time our oldest daughter is 4 and starts having memory, I want a divorce. It seems selfish but I will do what I have to do for my kids. I know it’s an addiction and that it’s not easy, but four years is plenty of time to get help and recover.

    He says he’s willing to go to AA, but he gets bored easily and usually says that compared to other people he doesn’t have a problem. To me he does, because he hasn’t been able to stop drinking since we’ve been married and he hasn’t stopped for me or our daughter or the one on the way. He knows it’s affecting our marriage and he says he can’t lose me or our children, but he hasn’t been able to stop on his own.

    The day I found out I was pregnant again, he went out drinking to celebrate. I have no friends or family I can talk to, because we just moved to a new state and it’s too embarassing to tell my family. I’ve kept it bottled up for so long, I feel that I will go crazy if he goes out and leaves me with two little ones instead of one. I write poetry sometimes to release my frustrations because I don’t know how to de-stress and I fear for my own mental health sometimes. I’m the type of person who feels things deeply and never have I felt like it’s my fault, because I know it’s not, but I also know I can’t cure it. It’s up to him to find help if he wants this to work.

    I can’t believe people put up with this for more than 10 years. Maybe I’m weak, but I would not be able to handle the emotional toll it brings and the effect it has on family life. I’d rather be a single mother and struggle to make ends meet than live a life of sorrow in solitude. I love this man and that’s why it hurts so much, and I hope he will follow through with his commitment to go to AA. I pray this gets better, because if we separate we will both lose our minds, and I may even take up drinking myself to relieve the pain.

  472. Shannon September 2015 at 5:12 am

    I just need a mental break. I feel like I’m going crazy. Dealing with my drunk parents is totally different from my drunk husband. I don’t know how to deal with this.

  473. Mack September 2015 at 3:02 am

    My cousin and my brother are both alcoholics — both drink a fifth of vodka by themselves a day, plus beer, etc. I live with both of them. They’re both angry alcoholics.

    My brother will get angry at my cousin or my aunt and tell me to relay messages to them, putting me in the middle of his battles. I usually don’t respond to him when he texts and then he gets angry about that. I ignore him most of the time.

    If I bring up his drinking, it turns into a fight and I’m tired of fighting, so I’ve become almost mute with him. This only angers him more. He smokes pot when he’s sober, but if he’s drunk pot is a huge “no, no.” He insists it’s being smoked, even when everyone else is asleep.

    He’ll send texts at 4 am, basically reading me the riot act, telling me that our mom would disown me if she were still alive, and that if I don’t turn on other members of our family I’m not his sister anymore. I’m between a rock and a hard place with him.

    He has a job and is married, but his spouse only enables him, buying him the vodka while he’s at work so he can come straight home and start drinking. I can’t do it anymore. My anxiety is leading to very real health issues that require doctor visits.

    I can’t go to sleep until he does, which sometimes isn’t until 4 or 5 am, even when he has to be to work in the morning. I just want him to realize what he’s doing — not just to me, but to himself. I don’t want him to die because he got angry and said the wrong thing to the wrong person.

    I just needed to put this out there and vent a little, I guess.

  474. grace September 2015 at 10:47 pm

    I am 34 weeks pregnant and this is my first baby. I am emotionally stressed due to my alcoholic husband. I feel he doesn’t care about me anymore. He always blames me for everything and drags me down. I just cried and want to leave him, but I keep on coming back.

    Many times I pack my stuff, but after so many days I find myself coming back to him. He promises me not to drink or to do some stupid stuff, but he can’t keep his word. I am tired dealing with him also, but I don’t have the nerve to stand on my own since I’m just new in his place and I don’t have family to support me here.

    I am very sad because his vices are destroying us and driving us apart. I’m just really hoping I can stand on my own and have the courage to leave him some day.

  475. Kiki September 2015 at 11:11 pm

    Whenever my husband drinks, he drinks like it’s water and finishes 3 beers within 5 minutes, and he continues to keep drinking, then acts a certain way towards men. He takes his clothes off for them and wants to show off his body parts to the men, but he always does this when he drinks. The next day I bring it up and he apologizes and tells me he is not into men, but he says it’s not a big deal, but it is.

  476. brandy September 2015 at 10:32 pm

    My fiance’ and I have been together for almost two years. He is a severe alcoholic. He has destroyed past relationships, lost great jobs, been in several near-death experiences and still continues to drink his life away. I am a recovering drug addict and have been able to control my addiction only by the grace of God.

    We just recently found out that I am pregnant. I was only 8 weeks when we found out. He slowed down a lot whenever we found out, but now he is slowly slipping back into his old ways. I am terrified.

    He is verbally abusive and sometimes physically (not since the pregnancy, though). He does outrageous things, such as trying to shave my head, throw my clothes and things out the door, destroy our home, and tell me how much better his ex was. Then he wakes up and has no recollection, sometimes claiming I am lying.

    He has put me in situations where I wanted to put a bullet in my head. It’s so hard. When he is sober, he is everything I could ever dream of in a man.

  477. bessie September 2015 at 6:37 am

    I don’t know what to do now with my husband who is always drunk. I am afraid of him.

  478. Jane September 2015 at 5:53 pm

    Thank you all so much for your comments – there is a strange relief in knowing that others are fighting similar battles. I wish you all well in fighting them.

    My fiancé is an alcoholic and has been since I met him 5 years ago, but it just keeps getting worse and worse. When we became pregnant, he promised to stop and never managed to. He hates his drinking and is always apologetic and saying how he wants to stop. But two days later it happens all over again.

    He just disappears without telling me where he is or who he’s with and will stumble into the house, breaking things and vomiting and urinating all over the house. He says that it’s normal — that lots of people do it. His friends think it’s funny.

    It has gotten a lot worse since he started working for his brother-in-law, who is also an alcoholic. He just can’t say no to him. They drink at work and afterwards. Weekdays, weekends, mornings, afternoons. He excuses himself by saying that they didn’t have a chance to eat lunch, so that’s why they started drinking.

    He combats his stress about money by spending hundreds on alcohol every week. On the rare occasion he is home before our daughter goes to bed, he wants to hold her when he can barely stand up, then yells at me when I tell him no. I feel like I have tried every approach and nothing seems to help. He is the perfect man and we have the perfect relationship when he is sober.

    It frustrates me that we both want him to stop so badly, but he still can’t manage even for a short time. It is such an emotional roller-coaster and I can feel myself losing my trust in him, and my tolerance is growing thin. We talk about it all the time and still no changes. I’ve gone from being worried sick to barely caring at all when he doesn’t come home and that terrifies me.

    I love him so much, but I don’t want to raise my daughter with a drunk. Thanks for letting me get this all off my chest — with vomit all over the bathroom and him passed out on the couch right now, it really does help.

  479. Leigh August 2015 at 12:24 pm

    My mother is an alcoholic. She lives in another province, 5 hours from me. Her partner died and she wants me to pack up my life and move in with her. I am 52. I have a dog rescue and a full house of rescues. I have a life, a life of stress with critters — but a life of joy and love and success. She has always brought me down, ridiculed me and my son. I have been distanced from her for years, but now I am the best thing since sliced bread.

    I talk with her every day for an hour. She is often drunk or drinking at the time. She is often sick, tired, angry and hateful. She was rushed to hospital last week, but refused to stay after being defribulated to slow her heart rate.

    I feel guilty because I cannot handle it anymore. I have suffered from depression for the last 10 years and am just starting to feel stronger. Her phone calls stress me even before they happen. It takes an hour or more to put the call behind me.

    I am the only kid and I just don’t want the last years of my life and health being distroyed. She has a choice, and has chosen alcohol. I hate it.

    I want to run away.

  480. Mandi August 2015 at 2:12 pm

    My fiance’ is an alcoholic. He isn’t harmful to me in any physical or mental way. He breaks himself down. He only drinks maybe one night a week (someone told me this is binge-drinking). He can’t just have 1 or 2 drinks, he will drink a 12-pack of beer and an entire bottle of vodka.

    Last night I finally reached my breaking point. He walks around outside our house and inside, screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs. He is depressed, he is lonely, he feels like other than me no one cares or loves him. No matter what I do, he won’t go or seek help. I feel like the worst person, wanting to walk out and not look back.

    When he is sober, he is my soul-mate. When he is drunk, he is someone completely different. The last few times he has been drunk/obliterated, I actually became frightened he might hurt me. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  481. Lost August 2015 at 12:07 pm

    I’m not sure what to do. We have been married almost 30 years and his drinking has been a constant.

    He seems to think that because he works and pays bills it’s ok for him to drink. I guess I didn’t realize how bad it was until he got some sort of stomach infection and he couldn’t drink for 2 weeks. It was great. He didn’t get mad, act crazy, talk a lot or accuse me of anything. Then when he came off the meds he went right back to it. Last night I was taking our grandson to get some shoes–well he invited himself! He stayed in the car, complained the entire time, started in on me about how I didn’t stand behind him. What?

    I have taken care of him when he was sick, done everything that a wife should do and then he says yeah, you are going to have a headache that makes your head explode! Where did that come from? I think I really need someone to talk to.

  482. TP August 2015 at 5:24 pm

    My husband is an alcoholic. He’s been in detox over 30 times in the past eight years. He stays sober for a month or two, then drinks until he gets so sick he has to be hospitalized. He knows it’s killing him. He knows it’s destroying me. He just keeps getting worse and I can’t do it anymore — the cycle of one month sober, one month drunk, and then in recovery.

    This is insane. I don’t need him financially, he doesn’t work. He just upsets the kids most of the time, and makes life difficult and often unbearable. I want him to leave. But he has no money and no one wants his drunkenness in their lives.

  483. sb August 2015 at 7:00 pm

    So, from my last post, I am still where I started — nowhere! I love him and I don’t love him. I want to leave him and then I can’t leave him! Promises made and promises broken! I can’t trust anything he says or does anymore. Every day he has one or another excuse for drinking!

    My children are tired of him. We have been married almost 20 years and known each other for 7 more years. The feelings are gone, the trust is gone, the faith is gone, the support is gone, the sex is gone, the relationship is gone. But I still can’t leave him. Is pity, sympathy, sadness, anger, or revenge the reason I can’t leave him? Is the thought that at the end I lost this battle after all the rough years we had from the first day of our marriage — did I fail?

    There are days I hate him and wish bad things for him, and then days I pity him and feel sorry for him. But where does that leave me and my kids? They want to leave him, but I know what I had to give to marry this guy. Everyone loves him — pure heart of gold, is what they say, but they are not living and dealing with his stuff. When he is sober, he really is that great guy with a big heart for everyone — but not for his family.

    Sometimes I just want to beat him, slap him, throw stuff at him, and sometimes I just want to run away, take my kids away, ignore him, not care for him — wish I was strong like a lot of the women who can walk away and not look back, but I guess a Scorpio stays committed through it all.

    But these men take for better or worse to the worst! Wish I had the guts to leave him and walk away. I have been trying to get support and help to heal myself, but the country I am in is not very kind to women. I know for my kids to heal I need to heal, so that I can help them be better humans and not follow in his steps.

  484. Confused August 2015 at 8:47 pm

    My boyfriend I’ve known since childhood is an alcoholic. He is the perfect man until he gets drunk. He has broken many material things and inflicted bruises on me. I don’t know why I stay, besides the fact that I tell myself that he was there for me through multiple suicide attempts.

    I am at my wits end, as he left last night on foot. The police brought him home at four a.m. wearing underwear and a T-shirt. He had lost his phone, keys, wallet, shoes, socks, and pants. He was found blocks over, knocking on doors.

    He recalls none of this. I just do not understand. It pains me to think how anyone could do this to their family. He has depleted our bank account and destroyed his vehicle. I do not want to take our child to my parents’ home, but what other choice do I have? He has destroyed his life, and I am so distraught and perplexed.

  485. kym July 2015 at 2:54 pm

    I’ve read all the posts and send my prayers to you all. I’ve been married 27 years and the last 7 have been hell. My hubby drinks pints and starts on a Friday when work finishes. He rolls in whenever in the morning and shouts and crashes, pees every five minutes. Then when he does get to sleep his snoring keeps me awake and I have to start my job at 7 am. He never remembers a thing — his mates think it’s funny.

    I left for 6 months, but returned as the house was going to be repossessed. He rolls in on a Sunday at 11 pm, goes to bed and then gets up for work stinking of alcohol. I have found myself wishing him dead and want to pour beer down his throat to help him on his way.

    I did love him, but it’s gone. We are distant and I’ll never trust him. He flirts, he’s a pig, a slob, and has become lazier, sleeping on sofas all day when he hasn’t gone to work. He doesn’t drink at home or every day, but weekends he’s never sober. I wish he’d disappear, and dread every Friday.

  486. Joseph July 2015 at 12:25 am

    Unlike others here, I’m not married or related to the person who undergoes personality change when they consume booze — she’s my live-in landlord. I have an undiagnosed chronic ilness that has created friction despite me being current with all rent and expenses.

    Laura (psuedonym) is 57. I’m a 54-year-old never-married single male, active in recovery since 9/6/04. Having a sponsor that was in Al-Anon,and AA, was immensely helpful.

    My issue is the unpredictable, abusive, belligerent behavior that suddenly comes on — the only warning, her flush, red face. I do not engage her anger, just the factual content of her outbursts, which have usually been discussed twice prior to eruption.

    I look forward to the podcasts and the day I’m financially able to relocate, as this illness has left me unable to work since 12/28/13. By the grace of my higher power, God, I’ve been able to pay rent, although my net worth status is indigent. I am able to use phrases like, “It must be very frustrating, given the anger, living with a chronically ill roommate. You never know how I’ll be — bedridden or able to perform minimal walking exercises. I can see it is chaotic for you also.”

    It doesn’t help with the tongue lashings, but helps me see me from her perspective. A humbling action. Rather than responding (some say righteously with quid pro quo, factual debate) in reality. That’s not effective when one is absent from the discussion. Thanks again for this forum. And I remind myself I’m not special. Laura behaves that way to most people.

  487. Becky July 2015 at 9:27 pm

    I’ve been married 21 years, the first 10 years were perfect. Then he went to Afghanistan for 15 months, came home, he started drinking.

    Well, from there things have been going downhill. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband. But this drinking the brandy, acting crazy, wanted divorce, treats me bad — then another Afghanistan, not for the whole time, half a tour.

    He got a disease out in Afghanistan, lost his kidneys. He’s had a kidney transplant almost 4 years ago and his drinking has gotten worse. Doctor doesn’t want him to drink, but does it anyway. Drinks and drives, doesn’t care. Talks rude to me, our daughter hates when he drinks. He doesn’t care — oh, but he can go to his mom’s and respects her without the drinking.

    I just wonder, I don’t want to divorce him. But I really wonder. A lot of what everybody was saying. It hurts that he doesn’t care about his health. How to deal with an alcoholic.

  488. leelee July 2015 at 8:05 am

    My husband of almost 15 years is an alcoholic. It is starting to affect our relationshiop and the children. The kids are upset and cry often.

    When drunk, he is very mean. Threatens to divorce me and take our daughter.

    It is so hurtful. I do not know what to do.

  489. Nikki July 2015 at 6:50 pm

    I recently married my husband and am truly happy. My biggest issue is his family. His father, brother, and sister-in-law (brother’s wife) are always drinking to excess, and his brother and father seem to think it is okay to drink and drive. I have always been weary and told my husband prior to our marriage that I am more than happy to pick him up if he needs a sober driver, and he always promises that he will have a safe driver.

    I am trying to have faith, but today (after I was promised his brother would be the sober driver), my husband came home and one look at his brother, you could tell he was drunk (and perhaps high as well). I was so upset and expressed this to my husband, who was slightly drunk, so I don’t think he understood it. I told him that I don’t trust his brother anymore and I will no longer be happy if he goes out with just his brother.

    I don’t know what to do. I keep pleading and nothing is being heard. I know my mother-in-law has given up and doesn’t say anything. I don’t want to always fear that they will be drinking and driving, but obviously with their track record it isn’t working out.

    I want to have kids with him and we are looking to buy a new home.

    Sigh, I really just needed to rant about this, and hopefully I will figure something out before anything bad happens.

  490. Jolie July 2015 at 6:23 am

    I’m in a pickle. My husband is a full-scale alcoholic. He binge-drinks whenever he can. Some weekends he can drink close to one hundred beers. This is usually followed by being very ill for days, as he is a diabetic.

    Obviously he has difficulty holding down a job. Every day is a living hell for me. He belittles me and verbally abuses me. Sometimes he can be physical, but usually it’s verbal.

    When he is on a binge, he plays the stero music full blast and keeps me up all night. There are days when I go to work that I am so exhausted. I have asked for help from his mother, but she is in complete denial and gives him money to feed his habit. I’m so tired that I also give in to his abuse and give him money for his booze and cigarettes, as he is a chain smoker. He is putting me financially in the red.

    I am just so fed up. I never imagined that my life would be this way. I can’t bring myself to get a divorce, as I just don’t have the resources or the strength anymore. Thank you for listening.

  491. Christi July 2015 at 1:34 pm

    Have been married for 22 years to my husband. He drinks daily, at least 3-6 beers when he gets home from work. We have separated in the past and things have gotten better, but I feel like I am watching a train wreck and can’t stop it.

    He suffered an anxiety attack almost 10 years ago, and our life has never been the same. A DUI 4 years ago. I feel like my feelings are just dismissed. He always is saying how he has improved, but I see him sliding backwards. I almost feel like a babysitter.

    I know you can’t stop it and can’t change it. But it breaks my heart to watch him! I ask him, why can’t you have a beer or 2? He has been sick in the past, constantly throwing up, doctors said you need to stop drinking, and he tried for awhile, but can’t and doesn’t want to stop!

    I am always wondering how did we get here? He still makes me laugh, and gives me butterflies in my stomach — is that what makes me stay? I don’t know how to be without him — we have been together 25 years!

  492. jen July 2015 at 8:28 pm

    I can’t believe this is happening to me. I think my husband is an alcoholic and I don’t know what to do. Feeling really scared. Thankful I can at least utter the words here.

  493. Lisa July 2015 at 4:30 pm

    I have been with my boyfriend 4 years now. He is an alcoholic, a black-out drinker. He beat me real bad three times in three years! It’s been a while since then. Now he has started drinking again. I’m stressed out.

    We have been homeless for over a year. We slept in campgrounds, my car, now a hotel. Looking for a place, an apartment, but I’m getting tired. This past weekend he hit me, threw things at me and demanded sex. I pulled away.

    I have to get out. I haven’t been happy in four years. He says I buy you everything you want, I bring you flowers. But there’s no romance and he drinks too much. It’s a cycle that never ends. I have to find a way out. I pray to God to help me find a way.

    I can’t live like this anymore. Yes, he can be a great, sweet, very handsome guy! But the drinking, the abuse and prejudice. And he squished my kitty. I have to leave somehow.

  494. Natalie June 2015 at 12:12 am

    My husband and I have been together for 22 years. We have 3 children and our first grandchild is on his way. Should be happy times — except alcohol is a big problem. He drinks as soon as work is over every day. Weekends, he starts drinking as soon as he wakes up.

    He suffers and has been recently vomiting and choking in his sleep. I’m scared that something will happen to him. He is a great man, but he says I cause his drinking by being concerned about his drinking. My kids lost all respect for him.

    I feel since I’m his problem, I should leave. I work two jobs just to help, because he spends so much money on alcohol. I cry every night and pray that he wakes up the next morning. I feel so lost. I have no family. He and my kids are my only family.

  495. Clair June 2015 at 12:48 pm

    I am very grateful for this podcast. I’ve been in Al-Anon for about 3 years and have a number of qualifiers in my life. I was particularly struck by the speaker’s comments on setting boundaries and how she has to keep stating her boundaries over and over again so that she can limit the chaos in her life.

    I am having trouble with my sister-in-law, who has been in recovery for many years and is now in food addicts anonymous. I had thought I had stated my limits/boundaries to her and my brother-in-law (who is also in recovery), but of course I thought that because I said it once that would be enough. I mean, I don’t want to be a broken record.

    They both fall very easily into a pattern where I feel like I’m their secretary/mom and I have to fill in the gap in their relationships. They constantly need things. My sister-in-law is particularly consumed by anxiety. It came to a head last week over a childcare issue when I asked her to clarify whether or not she needed me to take care of her kids. We had talked about it the week previous, but then she chose someone else without telling me.

    This happens a lot. When I asked her about it and about her long term needs, she brought up how she does not feel comfortable asking me because I’m constantly hot and cold with her. She even went so far as to say I don’t like taking care of her kids, but that is not true. My issue is with her, not her kids.

    It took me a couple of days (and a meeting) to really process this and think about what she said. She is absolutely correct, I have been hot and cold with her. Why? Because this is how I protect myself from being treated like a doormat. The anger that people see is really frustration (I have struggled with this all my life). A massive wall goes up between me and the person I believe is going to take advantage of me, if they see I’m angry. My sister-in-law is the most recent person in a long line of people who have chaotic lives and try to draw me into it. They have one need after another and it never seems to get better.

    The podcast speaker’s comments about not wanting chaos in her life is exactly what I want. I want minimal chaos and I have to find another way to express that, rather than creating a wall of anger. I only lose when I express anger. Not that there’s anything to win, but when you express anger, that’s all people see and hear and whatever you are really upset/frustrated about never gets recognized.

    I believe now she has blocked my phone number. I have tried to reach out to her to talk with her in person. I’ve left two messages. I will leave one more and that’s it. It’s up to her at that point. It’s difficult because we live in the same building and our kids go to the same school. At minimum I want to have a cordial relationship for the sake of our kids. I have to be okay with restating my boundaries over and over again. I plan to apologize for my part, but the chaos has to end.

  496. Tee June 2015 at 10:59 am

    My boyfriend is the most amazing man I have ever met. I love him so much and he loves me too. We want to get married and when he is sober, I feel like he is my soulmate and we have the perfect relationship.

    It’s when he starts drinking where all the problems occur. He just doesn’t know when to stop. He will drink all night and even into the next night and doesn’t have a problem driving drunk either. He loses all sense of judgement when he is drunk and behaves so selfishly. We had a fight one night and he tried to strangle me as I was leaving. He didn’t want me to leave.

    When he is sober, he tells me that he knows he is ruining our relationship and that he thinks he has a serious problem with alcohol. He even wants to go see someone. But, a day later, he will be back to drinking and will do the most stupid and selfish things.

    I love this man so much. At the moment, I think I want to break up with him though, because I feel like I need to make a drastic move in order for him to change. I keep telling him that he needs to change for himself and not for me. And maybe I also need to take a break from this relationship and work on myself. Maybe one day we will find each other again and be together. But for now, I think he has some serious issues he needs to work through and I need to let him do that.

    Letting him go is going to be so difficult. I dread the thought because I just want to be with him. However, I know that things will not change if I continue to pretend as if nothing happened and that his alcoholic behaviour is not a problem.

  497. Chad June 2015 at 9:58 pm

    My wife is an alcoholic. I’m ready to leave. I do not know how. I don’t know what to do.

  498. EMERLCA June 2015 at 3:51 am

    My partner and I are together for five years now. In the past he suffered from a drug addiction and eventually quit, just before we started dating. We got married two years ago and at first I just let him have a beer or two cos he always asked so politely, but before I realized it, it started becoming an everyday thing, and now he drinks a minimum of three beers every day.

    I have tried talking to him about it, but he totally ignores my feelings. He believes he is not harming me or anyone else, so why should I have a problem with it. I have even left home to get him to realize that I hate his alcohol dependency, but he just lied about trying to stop, got me to come home, and here I am three months later, unhappy, scared and confused. Last night he was rude to me and told me he is tired of my nagging. I only am trying to help him. I love him.

  499. Lala June 2015 at 2:20 am

    I can’t believe that I am reading this blog and it appears that my life is unfolding before my very eyes. I have been married to an alcoholic 12 years, but I didn’t know that he drank until 5 years into the marriage.

    He has been drinking really heavy for the past 6 years. He has developed pancreatitis and gets very sick often. He wakes up in the morning and cries to me saying, “I’m afraid that I’m going to die.”

    I have tried rationing his liquor, and he was willing to fight me if I didn’t give in. It’s pretty bad. My worst fears have come upon me. I’m looked at by my family negatively because of what he has done. I am going to Al-Anon.

  500. shannon June 2015 at 4:34 pm

    Is my husband an alcoholic? This is a question I ask myself all the time. We have two wonderful kids and he is a very involved father. The issue is he drinks. Not all the time, but some of the time, and when he drinks, he drinks.

    He slurs his words, makes poor decisions, and acts horrible. We typically fight and I take the bait and fight back. Then the low blows come. He yells, swears, calls me horrible names I dare not tell you. I go to bed alone and crying and then he goes out to smoke pot because it helps him not have a hangover.

    I have tried therapy and setting boundaries, all of which have failed. I have a hard time admitting he has a problem, because it is not the same list of issues you read about. (My father has been sober for 30 years, so I have been through this.) Drinks every day, not involved, etc.

    It is almost like he is allergic to alcohol. I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight, hoping the end of this roller coaster is coming, because I just want to get off the ride.

  501. BMH May 2015 at 3:55 am

    I am trying to understand the behaviors of a functioning alcoholic and the blame and criticism it seems to entail.

    Prior to my boyfriend of nearly 6 years, I had no experience with alcohol–as neither I nor my family drink. My boyfriend is a high-functioning alcoholic. There has really not been a time that I’ve not known him to drink. His mother was an alcoholic, I think, and his father, his sister, his soon-to-be ex-wife, his daughter (who was a heroin and meth addict and is in jail for giving her 18-month-old a methadone overdose), and his son. He has complained to me about how he went to his wife’s family about her drinking and how they would do nothing.

    Yet, he forces me to be an enabler. He does not start drinking till 5 or 4 or 3, as sometimes happens. I have watched him put away 3-5 beers an hour, 8 to 12 beers in a 3 hour period (which is better than it used to be as he has drunk 24 in an evening). He usually stops drinking when he eats, but it’s hard to get him to eat and he will have had at least 8 beers by then and claims he isn’t hungry.

    For a while I wasn’t really seeing him in the evening and everything was great. Lately, I’ve spent some time with him on vacation and gone with him to the bars. Everything is fine as long as I don’t address his drinking. He will drink 8-12 beers at the bar, then stop to buy a six-pack. I now have half a remaining six-pack in my fridge, which I resent and I have decided to give to the neighbor. He doesn’t see his drinking as a problem, just my behavior.

    I think he totally over-reacts to little stuff. Most recently, I was trying to figure out what time in the morning I needed to set the alarm so we could do the things that he wanted to get done. He had already drunk 8 beers that I could count. My trying to say, “So back it up for me,” somehow led to me being the abuser, rapist, and he was never going to speak to me again.

    He calls me crazy, angry and argumentative, even though I don’t feel the least bit of anger. (And this is a huge improvement over when he would call me something terrible, say Hitler was right, and many unrepeatable things–all because I somehow cooked his food wrong.) I feel he often gets this way when he’s had too much to drink, though I do wonder if he might still be hypercritical without the alcohol. While I know this is not the best relationship for me, and I would never marry him, I am unwilling to let the relationship go at this time, so I can’t really understand myself in this.

    I also know that I cannot accept this behavior again, and as soon as he’s back from his trip and I can get him when he’s not drunk, I’m going to tell him that I will not accept him drinking more than a beer an hour, though I’d rather there would be none. I am also going to tell him that he is an alcoholic and that I do not have a tolerance for it.

    I know I cannot control his behavior, just what I am willing to accept or not accept. I will no longer be his driver for his binges, his happy partner at the bar, or have any part in handling his beer. It is not acceptable to bring beer into my house. How I am going to handle our trip to Las Vegas June 8th, I’m not sure. I guess I will just leave him where he is at when he reaches for that 5th beer and sleep on the other side of the bed until his stench wears off.

    What I am trying to understand is if his criticisms and put downs are related to the alcohol or if these problems will exist even without the alcohol. I wonder if this is typical behavior of a functioning alcoholic in regards to personal relationships and the criticism of their partner–and if it is typical that the drinking partner calls the non-drinking partner abusive and a rapist. I also wonder what it is about us that I am unwilling to let go.

  502. gisele May 2015 at 9:08 am

    My boyfriend of almost a year fell off the wagon about 2 months ago, after being sober for 8 years. But I now know that the behavior that he was showing was the precursor of him actually taking a drink.

    In my horror, I discovered he is a mean drunk. I tried going to an Al-Anon meeting, but I didn’t click with that particular group. And quite honestly I was too angry and emotionally drained to try again. Now here I am 2.5 months after he fell off and even though he is not actively drinking he is still doing addict behavior.

    I had to tell him yesterday that he needs to make his recovery his number one priority. I love this man so much, but I love myself more and I just can’t watch him destroy himself. Hopefully he can start to work his program and get back into his recovery. This is really hard to do–stepping back, that is.

  503. Stephanie May 2015 at 10:00 pm

    My fiance’ and I have been together since mid 2011. We got pregnant not long after and now have an almost three-year-old. My fiance’ is a wine broker, but drinking the wine isn’t required necessarily. He thinks he can drink like he used to when he was in high school, but he just can’t.

    We’ve recently moved from the west coast to the east, far from family and friends, and are working hard. I’ve noticed his drinking has increased so much more. He’ll drink a beer as early as 10:00 a.m. and all throughout the day I’ll see cans or bottles laying around. The wine though–that’s usually when he’s at his worst is when he drinks too many glassse of wine. I’ll notice and say, “Why don’t you slow down with the wine?” or, “I think you might be drinking too much.” But he doesn’t and just keeps drinking. He doesn’t know his limit and acts like a fool, embarrassing himself and me.

    I’ve tried talking to him about his drinking and his response is, “I don’t have a drinking problem.” This is not what I want our son to grow up around, or seeing, or taking after. In fact, he’s passed out right now at this very moment outside on our back patio.

    I guess you could say I’m disappointed that he would drink so much and not think about our son who went to bed without saying goodnight to his daddy. And I’m nervous because I’m afraid that he won’t realize he’s got a problem and needs to either majorly slow it down or stop all together. Otherwise, I’m through with the catering to a 28-year-old “man” who acts like a drunk high school teenager who doesn’t know his limit.

  504. Elaine May 2015 at 11:55 pm

    My husband is an alcoholic and nothing changes. I have been with him 15 years and it’s always the same thing. I married him and knew he had problems. I need to leave him. He has 3 DUI in under two years and actually things by the grace of God worked out, but I am ten years older then he is and I think at my age now, I still have a chance to have a decent relationship.

    I wish him well, but it’s interesting how all the alcoholics have such good, decent people loving them, and they give so little–the alcoholic, that is. The best thing I read, was to live with an alcoholic is not to live with them, LOL.

    I love my husband very much, but he is a selfish man. Nothing I say or do means a thing to him. I gotta leave, cause I mean something. We do nothing together and it’s a no sex and no connection marriage for the last six years.

    I am done, but he does not know it. I will file for divorce but not yet, I need an exit strategy. I can do it. My cats are better company then he is. He likes to be with his men friends all the time. I really believe he is gay, which is fine. He needs men around him all the time. I could go on, but why bother. Ya know alcoholics are really boring and selfish and everyone, including me, thinks ohhhhhhhh, what to do.

  505. Amy May 2015 at 1:45 am

    I have lived with my boyfriend’s brother, who has been a verbally abusive and angry alcoholic for 3.5 years. After two instances of the cops getting involved in the last 6 months, I gave him an ultimatum that I would no longer tolerate his drinking and that he needed to move out.

    As of 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend’s brother has moved out and in with his parents, who are our neighbors. Now they are in the process of moving all of his belongings out of our house and while doing so their mother has been saying the nastiest and most cruel things to me and my boyfriend (her other son), who is nearly a year clean from substance abuse himself. She is also an alcoholic and now their family is blaming me for tearing her two sons apart from each other when all me and her son want is to live our lives.

    Everything is so toxic right now and my heart is broken because I have done nothing but take up for myself this past month and stand my ground on not taking any more verbal and mental abuse from their son and now they, too, are also being verbally abusive to me as well. My boyfriend luckily has a thick skin and is able to brush their behaviors off, but I have a thin skin and it is wearing me down and I feel like the stress is killing me.

    I also just started a new job this week and am very sick and having to receive phone calls and messages from my boyfriend’s parents of how mean and cruel of a person I am after all they have done for us. They have actually never done for us, though, monetarily speaking, so I am confused as to what they have actually done for us, other than give me and their son a guilt trip for not wanting to live with their other son that has an addiction to alcohol.

    I’m so worried for my boyfriend’s parents as they are both in their mid-late sixties and if I feel the stress of this situation is killing me at age 30, I can’t imagine how they must be feeling. I fear something is going to happen to his mom or dad and although I know I shouldn’t blame myself if something does happen, I can’t help but being human and feeling responsible when they are telling me it’s all my fault. Thank you for letting me share my current situation.

  506. Hope May 2015 at 9:44 pm

    My husband is an alcoholic. We’ve been married for 3 years, but have been together for 7 years. When we started dating, he didn’t drink. Then one day he started and hasn’t stopped since. He drinks 5 quarts of beer on the weeknights, and drinks stronger stuff on the weekends. He’s always irritable, angry, and mean.

    He tells me it’s my fault. He even acknowledges that he has a problem, but doesn’t want help. I’m at the end of my rope. He’s physically and mentally abusive and I can’t go on like this. We have an 18-month-old and I’m currently pregnant with twins.

    He has to be forced into spending time with our son, and he’s so short tempered that he always ends up yelling or screaming at him over doing normal toddler things. If he doesn’t consent to help soon, I’m going to leave him. I refuse to have my babies grow up in the same hell that I grew up in. I just need to know I’m not alone.

    It’s so hard waking up next to him every morning and having to pretend I’m not upset about the night before. I dread seeing him come home from work because I don’t know who I’m greeting at the door. It’s time for him to try, or I’m going to stop trying.

  507. L May 2015 at 10:24 pm

    Growing up in an alcoholic home, I was held back, scapegoated and beaten down. No child could survive so many put-downs, so much criticism. Listening to my father now as he abuses, scolds, insults everyone around him, I imagine myself as a fragile, delicate child standing in front of him sobbing, begging him to be nice to me. I wanted so much to be loved. It was like begging a vicious dog to snuggle. It was never going to happen, and it wasn’t my fault that it didn’t work out. It wasn’t my fault it left me barely able to function–damaged and broken.

    He is who he is, and his mean harsh comments had nothing to do with me. A dog that bites, that’s all he is. I limped along, being bitten, crippled by his abuse my entire youth. Looking back, I used to think I was a failure, unable to function. Now I see I was a survivor, and I did the best that I could in an insane situation. I had limitations piled on me like a pack of hyenas on a zebra colt. It’s amazing I managed to survive and get out.

    I thrived for awhile, but recently I’ve placed myself in a relationship with a child of alcoholics. He’s a narcissist who feels justified being mean to others when he doesn’t get his way. He scolds to hurt feelings, thinking that’s how you get people to do what you want. It’s the same pattern of put-downs that held me back in the past. I’ve asked him to start treating me better, to give me encouragement instead of crushing, discouraging put-downs. He can’t stop. It’s like an obsession, a need. It’s like a stinging scorpion, it’s in his nature.

    I’m not a child, but it is holding me back. So far it’s been impossible to overcome. Anytime I start a project he puts me down until I stop working. He interrupts yard work to tell me I’m doing it wrong and won’t stop criticising until I stop trying to get stuff done. I can’t even understand the drive. Why does he feel a need to keep me from doing -a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g-? Oh, who cares why– right? Who cares why my dad seemed obsessed with destroying my spirit, crushing my hopes and dreams. His need to put me down has nothing to do with me, and my current boyfriend’s need to hold me back, to put down everything I do is his need, not mine.

    It’s like watching a dry drunk flail and struggle, not knowing how to act. He cluelessly thinks, “Is this how to get people to do what I want?” and “Can I get away with this?”.

    I answer “No. Sorry, it isn’t. It won’t work on me, and I’ll tell you so.” The difference is that I know that this behavior is unacceptable, it’s his fault not mine, and I know it’s not my fault.

    I know I can turn to Al-Anon for help and strength. I will survive this. I’m not a child anymore. I’m a strong, grown, capable woman. I’m amazing. I’ve survived being held down and stood up before. I’m going to shake this off and get back on my feet. Being held down is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just the understandable result of a crushing series of put-downs that I didn’t create. And I know better how to deal with this problem now.

    Feeling stronger.

    Thanks for listening.

  508. aimee April 2015 at 6:17 pm

    I have been with my fiance’ for 3 years and have been his best friend for about 10. For as long as I have known him he always drank.

    About a year into our relationship he got very sick and he had to have surgery and lost a lot of weight. He has something that has to do with his stomach and esophagus–after all this has happened he quit drinking for about a year. Everything was amazing. He was the perfect man.

    Well, for the past two years he has been drinking, trying to hide it from me. He’ll come home and say he only had one when I smell it often so strong and know he has been lying about everything. He turned into a demon, said very horrible things to me, put me down, disrespected me, accused me of cheating, while I just sat there and listened and waited to fall asleep. Meanwhile my children heard him talking to me this way.

    Just two nights ago it was the worst. The verbal abuse was so bad and went on for 6 hours straight. My son, who is 18, lost it. He was going to fight and even had a knife in his hands. I had no other choice but to call the police. My fiance’ was arrested and I made sure I got a restraining order, but why do I feel so bad? He is sleeping on the street in his car and he needs to go every morning into the public bathroom to wash up. Knowing all of this stuff breaks my heart and I feel so lost.

  509. Kelly April 2015 at 11:40 pm

    I’ve been with my husband for 7 years but have only been married since August. We met in college and I thought it was normal/okay to binge-drink and get a little out of control at times. My now husband started having anxiety attacks, which were fairly difficult to deal with because he was racking up a lot of emergency room bills. At that time I was working hard to help support both of us because his sales job wasn’t going very well (in return it gave him more anxiety). Then about two years ago he started coping with anxiety by drinking.

    We started planning a wedding and he just kept making poor decisions–spending lots of money, drinking to the point of puking on himself, driving drunk and getting into an accident (somehow he didn’t get arrested), etc. A few months before our wedding he took a job that includes traveling via flight. Flying has always given him anxiety but he wanted to overcome that fear. He started coping by flying with alcohol. I’m not sure how his company hasn’t caught on because he spends a lot of money drinking on these business trips on a company card.

    We just bought a house together and I’m terrified that he will lose or quit his job soon. His dad, mom and I have had two interventions with him now, but he’s a great talker and can easily manipulate. He went to a few AA meetings but never followed through with getting a sponsor, because he “doesn’t have the time with his traveling”. He’s never physically hurt me, but I’m mentally drained. I’m in healthcare and I understand this is a disease but it’s hard to understand and be supportive when I’m the one that suffers from his choices.

    I have to leave for work in 5 hours, but I’m up writing this because I needed somewhere to turn. I think my friends are over hearing all of my problems and they think I’m crazy to believe he will change and get help. Friday night he looked me in the eyes and promised me he didn’t drink anything. I told him I didn’t care if he did, I just didn’t want to be lied to.

    I’m so terribly sick of all the lies! I looked at one of his work receipts that night and sure enough alcohol was purchased–although I already knew he drank, because I know how he acts when he drinks. He’s sloppy and doesn’t make sense when he talks. He’s gained a lot of weight recently as well, when we both used to be very health conscious. It’s so gross when he eats drunk and gets stains all over his shirt as his belly hangs out. I don’t even care that he gained weight. I still love him, but just hate that alcohol is making him so unhealthy.

    Anyways, Saturday morning he was so sorry and couldn’t bear seeing me cry and promised me he would never lie again. Now tonight he called me after landing in North Carolina and first told me he didn’t drink and as he slurred his words and finally ended up telling me he drank “three”. Two trips prior he ended up in a drunk tank in a rehab facility because supposedly the cops can take you there or to jail. He has had so many close calls to rock bottom but somehow is lucky enough.

    I just feel like a completely diode rent person and feel as though my life is constantly in disarray. The stress is killing me and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should leave him for a while, so he feels like he hit rock bottom. I know he loves and treats me wonderfully when he’s sober, but I think I hate him when he’s drunk. I’m 29 and would like to have kids someday, but would never want another life have to go through this. Sorry for the rambling.

  510. Kaz April 2015 at 5:00 am

    Married almost 26 years. My husband is an alcoholic and says, “Oh, well.” I am screaming inside and have virtually given up on life. I am so depressed and am just tired–needed a place to share this.

  511. queen April 2015 at 9:26 pm

    I have an alcoholic husband who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He gets drunk on a daily basis and I hate it. We have been married one year.

    Before we were married, he never showed me any of this behavior. I’m thinking of divorcing him because I’m tired. I have 3 kids, none are his. He has 2, one that’s 10 and she hates to come stay with him because of his drinking.

    I’m starting to not like him at all. I work and when I get off he’s drunk. He is out all night. I am so mad at myself for allowing this, for even marrying him. I don’t know what else to do.

    I have talked to him several times and he begs me to stay and I forgive him, but life is too short to be unhappy–especially my kids being unhappy. I just need to start heading in the right direction.

  512. Marly March 2015 at 6:06 pm

    Thanks for all the comments here. I feel empowered by them. I have been married 20 years and have 5 children with my alcoholic husband. My husband has been binge-drinking since we got married, but no overnighters or blackouts until 10 years in.

    He has had two arrests for DUI and now lives in another state, where he is starting out at the entry level of his career yet again. He is pleasant, intelligent, educated and funny when he is sober. He is also a liar and selfish and depressed, whether drunk or sober. When drunk he is reckless, depressed, inappropriate, dangerous to himself and others, and embarrassing to our friends and families.

    I was afraid to leave for 3 years, but finally kicked him out. I support our children and care for them by myself. He visits occasionally and calls once a week. He is very pleasant on the phone, but after reading the comments here, I know I can never take him back.

    I have to have enough self-respect and concern for our well-being to know that I have to keep our lives separate. I will support him and love him always, but my happiness and that of our children cannot depend on whether he is drunk or sober. I’m sorry for all that is gone and will never return, his income as a doctor, our home due to foreclosure, a father for my children, a partner for my life.

    On the other hand, I am grateful that when I come home, I feel peace. I can open the door glad to be home and see my kids, not afraid of what will happen or what has happened while I was gone.

  513. Kimberly March 2015 at 11:48 am

    I am a grown adult with my own family. I think that’s what makes things so hard. I had a “perfect” childhood, my parents were always there for me. We always did things together while my sisters and I were growing up. We camped, fished, vacationed, etc. We did everything together and it was amazing!

    My dad always had a beer in his hand, but that was just the norm. He would have one, or sometimes a few. Once in a while he would have too many and yell and break stuff, but that only happened like 5 times in my lifetime. Now I know that this was not acceptable, and no child should ever have to go through that even once.

    So anyhow, the thing is, after my sisters and I got a bit older, my mom decided to take up drinking. It started out just once in a while and it has slowly progressed to her being drunk every night. Now she binge-drinks Friday through Monday, because she works Tuesday–Friday. My dad has also gotten worse. He got layed off from a good job after being there for more than 18 years. Now he is drunk every day.

    I just want my kids to be able to experience the amazing people that I grew up with, not these other people that I can’t even talk to or visit, because I don’t want my kids to grow up around alcohol. I was in such a relationship for almost ten years and my kids had to suffer for a while–that will never happen again.

    I just wish there was something I could do for my parents to get them to stop drinking and start living again. I have three kids and one more on the way. I miss them.

  514. marie March 2015 at 11:04 pm

    What misery, what a colossal waste of time, 30-year anniversary yesterday. Told him to ignore it, nothing to celebrate. Married him because I was pregnant, knew somehow there was a problem with alcohol, but my upbringing was full of sober people.

    I was 18, he 28. Thought it strange that he was about as mature as I was. He drank at the reception and in the wedding bed and I thought, “My God, is it too late to get out of this?”

    Always spending our last dime on beer, hiding it–lies, lies, lies and more lies. How dare I point out that I know he lies? Nothing to respect or admire. In the beginning he’d give me the silent treatment for 2 or 3 days, then relieve himself on me and pretend there never was a problem. Now I prefer the silent days. Seven children moving out as fast as they can, two left. Never bought it for him and the only mess I cleaned up was when he messed in my shoes. Asked him today if he’d consider any kind of counseling–no, of course.

    Somehow everything I see belongs to him–every asset, the business, the equipment, the livestock, everything. He says I’m welcome to leave empty-handed. I don’t think the courts or any law would agree with him but he’s the law. He would sabotage everything, just so I wouldn’t get anything.

    Seems I have two choices; do like he says and shut up and stop complaining, or leave. I refuse to leave empty-handed, so there lies the difficulty. I would have to destroy him and the business just to get anything for myself. It would be the ugliest thing yet.

  515. Alisha March 2015 at 12:22 am

    Thank you, everybody, for these posts. They are such a source of strength and support as I divorce my functional alcoholic husband of 10 years.

    I am sorry that it took such a dramatic ending for me to “wake up,” but my husband, in an intoxicated state, stupidly discharged a loaded gun in the room next to where my 3-year-old son and I were sleeping. Literally, it took threatening our safety to finally make me leave and I have not even looked back.

    I cannot even believe how dysfunctional our relationship was now that I look back. He is extremely professional in his career and is highly functional, a great provider financially, but dead inside. His spouse is his alcohol. Even after this incident, he is trying to minimize what happened. Unbelievable.

    I can’t even tell you how happy and free I feel. I have realized that I was already very much alone in the marriage, and now I don’t have to wonder about what every day holds, whether he will be moody, irritable, happy, or emotionally abusive. Of course, he says he will get help now, but I am no longer going to stay on this merry-go-round.

    My son and I deserve so much more in life. There is nothing to lose at this point, except a very emotionally sick person whose addiction to alcohol is slowly taking away one thing at a time.

  516. Angel March 2015 at 1:25 pm

    My mother decided she did not want to talk to me ever again. She left a drunk message at 10:30 pm last night on my cell phone to tell me that.

    I don’t know when she started drinking, if it was before or after my father died 15 years ago. But I do know that once the drinking and her anxiety became so bad, I stopped answering the phone after 9 pm. Then 8 pm. It was easy because my job just kept asking more and more from me.

    My job has intensified. I told my mom I was sorry I hadn’t been answering the phone after 7 pm because I have been waking up so early for work. That was really only part of the answer. After her angry and harassing drunk calls, my anxiety sky rockets. I can’t think. I want to vomit. I can’t get work done.

    When her drinking became earlier, I had to say something. Her drinking has led her to fall and break her shoulder. She refused to do PT correctly and she kept drinking after surgery, which led to her falling on the shoulder over and over again.

    I couldn’t be honest with her. I tried, but then she screams at me and then pretends the next day nothing was said or happened. She must be right all of the time.

    She does this to my older sister too. It isn’t just me. She cut the neighbors out of her life. She just wants to die alone in her house. And she wants us to feel guilty for it.

    She wins. I really do feel guilty. I should have answered her calls. This is my fault.

  517. Annie March 2015 at 3:34 am

    I’ve met the man of my dreams. He’s kind, patient, gentle, and we’re compatible in so many ways. The only problem is he drinks every day, from the time he gets out of work until the time he goes to bed. In fact, he is sometimes passing out. He’ll do really well for a little while, only consuming about 4 beers per night, then it will go to 6 beers or more and that’s when things go downhill. He is probably in the category of a high-functioning alcoholic.

    We met for business-related reasons, then we became friends, business partners and eventually lovers. He was in an abusive relationship that revolved around pot and drinking when I met him, and I actually bailed him out of jail one night for a DUI in which an adult employee of ours was driving him home from work because he was drunk at work. Turned out the employee only had her learning permit, so he was charged with a DUI. He quit drinking entirely after that for about a month or afterwards, and since we’ve been together he’s cut down substantially from where he was previously. Drinking 4-6 beers every night is still worrisome to me, but he has improved so much.

    I like to drink occasionally, but I don’t need to do it and I can’t consume very much alcohol without feeling ill. We both legally smoke marijuana, myself for chronic Lyme arthritis, but I generally refrain until just before bed. I’m not into being altered all the time, but I find myself drinking and smoking pot more and more to be on the same level with him. We want to get married and start a family, but I’ve been very clear that in order for me to feel safe in that decision things need to improve in relation to the substance use. He’s quit smoking now for three weeks, because he knows that it’s important to me, but the drinking and marijuana use has gotten worse, as a way to cope with the loss of the nicotine.

    I’ve never felt so loved and cared for in my life. This man is my best friend. I’m so sad because this issue could ruin the chances of us having a happy and successful life together. He asks me to be patient with him and assures me he’s on the way to returning to the man he once was. Lately he has been worried that I will leave him because of the drinking and says he’d understand if I can’t hang on.

    I love this man with the entirety of my heart, but I’m afraid that I will have to accept the drinking as part of our lives. I’ve made some poor relationship choices in the past and am so concerned I’m on the brink of doing it again. Right now this man is honest, totally kind, and non-abusive even while drunk. I don’t know if that will always be the case.

    I don’t know what to do. I guess I will quit using all substances myself and see if that makes or breaks us. If I’m not his drinking buddy, then we might not be so compatible after all. I’m going to take care of myself first.

  518. Pam March 2015 at 10:26 pm

    My husband first abused me a few months after we married. We’d just arrived at his boat at a marina, where we were planning to live, and he celebrated by having a martini. I’d never seen him drink more than a couple of glasses of wine in the 5 years we dated. He ordered me to go get sandwiches for dinner, as there was no food at the boat. I asked him to come with me, the neighborhood was unfamiliar, it was dark, I’d never driven in that city before, and I didn’t know where to find a place to buy food since the downtown was pretty much closed. He called me an obscene name and told me to go get the “obscene” food.

    I decided I’d better go. I was in such shock over this abuse that I could hardly think. I got lost and disoriented on the one-way streets, but finally found a mall where I went in and got the sandwiches, took them back to the boat, and he was even more drunk. He didn’t even ask me why I’d been gone for almost 2 hours, and he expressed no concern for my safety driving around in the dark, but he did yell and say that if I’d taken off in his car to go back home (700 miles), that would have been the end of the marriage. We ate the sandwiches, mine tasting like sawdust in my throat. He passed out on deck and I went to bed. Nothing was ever mentioned about this again.

    This was the beginning of my realization that my new husband was an alcoholic. It took me 10 years to leave him and I wish I’d left on that awful night when we first arrived on the boat.

    In the course of our marriage, I found him passed out on our bedroom floor twice. He often painfully grabbed me sexually when I was driving home after evenings out, despite my pleas to stop it. Usually he’d pass out after 5 minutes or so.

    He insulted my best friend with sexually inappropriate comments to the point that she and her husband refused to see us anymore, though they kept up their friendship with me. His former brother-in-law ended the friendship when my husband insulted his girlfriend during the course of one of his drunken phone calls.

    Various friends, his kids, and relatives called me and voiced suspicions that he must be drinking, due to phone calls that he made to them under the influence. He insisted that he didn’t drink and drive, but there were times when he was weaving on the road and got lost in familiar territory, becoming angry if I spoke up about it.

    He advanced on me with fists clenched, screaming in my face, because I’d mistakenly erased an answering machine message meant for me. He struck a phone out of my hands because I wasn’t dialing it fast enough. On and on and on, typical alcoholic behavior. As his wife, I felt that I had to help him. I contacted his doctor, who didn’t help. I asked my husband to moderate his drinking, I watered down the vodka. Nothing did any good, and I’d become an enabler.

    The drinking increased his snoring, which caused sleep apnea that had him gagging and stopping breathing every night. This went on for years, during which my husband insisted that he wouldn’t treat it because he didn’t want to sleep hooked up to a CPAP machine. He showed signs of oxygen deprivation and got angry when I pointed this out.

    Eventually he was hiding bottles all over the house and drinking from morning to night. Finally he had a major stroke. His doctor told me that his brain scan revealed mini-strokes caused by oxygen deprivation. His brain showed signs of dementia, and his neuropsychologist suggested that some of that could have been caused by alcohol.

    I’d been halfway out the door the month before his stroke and had lined up a place to live. Once he had the stroke, I was stuck. I couldn’t leave him and he was unable to care for himself. It took 2 more years of misery, abuse, and his continued drinking until he could function on his own. I left, and now he’s telling anyone who will listen that I left him because of the lifestyle changes due to his stroke. Not that anyone who knows me believes him, but it is galling to have given up 2 extra years of my life to be the sole caregiver to this alcoholic sleazebag of a husband.

    I was 70 when I filed for divorce, and managing on my own has been hard. I’m okay! But I continue to be haunted by all the terrible scenes caused by this alcoholic and abusive man. It’s hard getting over it.

  519. Brittany March 2015 at 11:04 pm

    I was raised by a single mother who was an alcoholic. We were very close to each other and she really was my best friend. I didn’t realize her addiction until I was about 9 years old and started dumping her bottles of liquor down the drain. I never encouraged her to get help because I was afraid of hurting her feelings. She passed away when I was 15 and I was left to pick up the pieces she left behind while grieving for the mother I loved so much.

    It’s been 10 years and I owe what normalcy I have in my life to years of therapy, but I have run into another problem which I think may be connected. My closest friend has been abusing alcohol for years now.

    We met six years ago and became fast friends. She is someone I could confide in, and we had fun both with and without social drinking. That has really changed as of the last maybe 4 years. She started drinking before we would get together for a night out after I initially mentioned that she should try not to get so drunk. She lies about it when I confront her. We have had countless arguments after nights when she gets too drunk and does something embarrassing or dangerous like driving.

    For years I have sat her down, told her that something has to change. Sometimes it seems like she understands and wants to get sober, but other times she pushes me away. This summer she broke down and told me that she was an alcoholic. I did my best to love and support her and encouraged her to get help. I even brought her to an AA meeting. I told her that we didn’t need to drink to have fun and that I wouldn’t drink if that helped her feel more comfortable. Her sobriety lasted 2 weeks until she said that she needed to just cut down and control it. One month later she was kicked out of a bar for breaking a table and a few glasses while falling down drunk. I told her that I don’t want to hang out with her if she is going to drink. So now instead, she calls me late at night after drinking by herself to initially complain about her job but it always turns into how I’m not around for her and that I spend too much time with my boyfriend.

    The truth is that I don’t want to be around her anymore. She’s self destructive and brings too much chaos to my life. I’m tired of being yelled at and told that I’m not a good friend when I really care for her and want her to be happy.

    I don’t know if I should continue being friends with her. I also am considering going to an Al-Anon meeting so that I can help myself to not enable the people I love and allow them to hurt themselves and me.

    I don’t want to lose my friend the same way I lost my mom.

  520. Vee March 2015 at 10:12 am

    I can relate to each and every person here. I am so tired and feel so helpless. My children’s father drinks every single day. We have been together 19 years now and we have two beautiful children. He cannot control himself at all. He starts drinking in the morning until bed.

    I am so fed up with his behavior. He tells me the worst of things. I am so ready to leave with my kids. I have nowhere to go, going to a shelter would be my only hope, but I don’t know how life will be in there with my kids. I’ve heard it is not easy in there.

    He is not going to stop drinking and does not want to go to AA. If he doesn’t like something, he will curse, argue, call me names. He puts me down, he lies, he has serious anger problems and gets out of control. Sometimes I feel I have to leave him because I am so unhappy, but it’s not so easy to do.

    He works and I’m a stay-at-home mom. Money is always limited. He is not getting any better and he is destroying our family and doesn’t see it. He was arrested twice, he begged and promised that he would stop drinking, but he never did. I was a fool for taking him back. He has gotten worse, he is extremely verbally abusive towards me. He knows he cannot put his hand on me because he would get arrested again. The verbal torment is just too much.

    I pray and ask God to give me courage and strength. I hope and pray he would overcome this disease, he would ask me how is his drinking affecting me. He came so close to losing his family twice and I forgave him. He never even tried to stop drinking, not once. When he came back in the apartment, he got worse. My only hope is God–only God can change him. I will continue to be strong for my kids.

  521. Gregg February 2015 at 11:57 am

    I’m a recovering alcoholic/pothead. When I met my soon-to-be ex-wife, she didn’t do pills. She got addicted to pills after she had a bad back and had to quit work. It got out of control. I didn’t want to end up exactly where we are now, not together.

    I brought up the situation to her daughters, who pretty much shrugged their shoulders. I’m also on disability, so every penny counts. Her bills didn’t get paid and mine did.

    We were renting and the house went into foreclosure and we were forced to leave. I moved to my hometown about an hour away, hoping she would miss me and want to join me. The main reason for the move away was due to the fact she had no money to pitch in for rent and a deposit.

    To sum it up, I hate who I’ve become. I tried to control her, I let almost all of my boundaries expand or disappear because I didn’t want to leave (for example, she got disconnect notices for utilities she was supposed to be paying).

    I’m so confused and full of resentments. I always tried to justify my self-pity by saying it wasn’t fair because she developed her addiction after we got married. When I was a pothead, everyone knew when they met me.

    Now, we’ve only been apart for three months, while still talking for two, and now she’s with someone else. So, I’ve sat back and looked at the situation and discovered she’s definitely not the only one with a problem.

  522. Carla February 2015 at 11:40 am

    My husband binge-drinks. While we were away in Cuba, he was physically aggressive with me. I changed resorts the next day. Now back home, he has started AA and is showing remorse for his horrible behavior. When drinking, his ego ripped us apart. I had him charged, but no charges due to the fact that the assault happened in Cuba.

    We are talking now, but live apart. I start counselling this week. He wants his last chance with me as a sober husband. I feel lost and I don’t know what to do.

  523. Brian February 2015 at 2:59 pm

    I was in a relationship with my wife for about 10 and a half years, starting 11 years ago today on Valentine’s Day 2004, and we got married in October 2012. I found out she was an alcoholic back in June 2013 when I came home one day to find she’d partially shaved her head and was looking sick as a dog. It was then I found all the bottles she’d been hiding from me for the past year and a half, when her heavy drinking had apparently started, mere months after we began cohabitating.

    I, my parents and hers attempted to get her help, counseling, a psychiatrist, AA, rehab on a number of occasions, but she kept relapsing, and kept lying to me and her parents. She’d begun living with her parents again after some particularly bad episodes and the realization that there was nothing I could do to help her, and I couldn’t look after her all day every day. I had to be able to work and support myself without having to feel like I was caring for a sick child all the time, always fearing for her life and the lives of others every time she left the apartment.

    I went to visit her at her folks’ house and take her to a concert one night when I was under the impression she’d been sober for two months, and found she was drunk, and her parents looking very sheepish. I went to the concert alone, thinking it was just another little relapse. I later found out she’d been hiding it from me again for the last month at least. I could not take the lies anymore, and resolved in the heat of the moment to get a separation at the very least.

    It took me nearly two months to finally work up the courage to go ahead with it and get in touch with a lawyer, found out that they didn’t really do separations in this state for non-religious reasons, and started the divorce proceedings two days after our second anniversary. It’s been a few months now and we’re still technically married, splitting up the money and so forth, but thank goodness there were no children being affected by this.

    I still love her, and it aches inside, but I tell myself this is for the best for both of us. I can’t fix her, and I will only drive myself mad if I stay and keep trying. I’m doing neither of us any favors if I call this off now.

  524. Sara February 2015 at 2:53 pm

    I was debating whether I should attend an Al-Anon meeting. My parents are both alcoholics. I am still trying to figure out what is normal and what wasn’t acceptable. I have had my own drug problems, but then I ended up dating an alcoholic at age 17, with whom I had my daughter.

    I then met my husband at the age of 24. We were together for 13 years. I used to use drugs, but 7 years ago I got clean. He got clean 5 years ago. We got married when he was clean, but he began using again and lying pathologically for the past 4 years. He tells me it’s my fault he uses and my fault he lied to me. If I wasn’t such a witch, he wouldn’t have to lie to me.

    He has been unemployed for the past year and a half and I refuse to buy him drugs! For the past 3 months things began to get violent, and 2 weeks ago he broke my nose. I immediately went to the police, got a domestic-violence restraining order. I asked for help and stayed somewhere until I could get the sheriff to remove him from my house. I changed the locks. I had already filed for divorce. He was losing his control over me and he knew it. I feel like I am beginning to come out on the other side, but I know one thing, I absolutely must stay single for at least a decade, and get counseling and help.

    My husband is a drug addict because he is a drug addict. He lied because he was a liar before he met me and he will continue to lie until he dies or gets clean. No one deserves to be lied to! I didn’t deserve to be lied to. Nothing I could have done would have changed his behavior or been good enough for him. I could have spent every dime I made on his drug habit and moved our family into a homeless shelter, and he still wouldn’t have been satisfied.

    This podcast was absolutely helpful.

  525. Monica February 2015 at 9:35 am

    I have been in a relationship for 5 years now and I met this person and fell in love instantly, changed my life, changed countries to follow my heart and be with this person. We fell in love while I was on vacation and I adored everything about this person and found a pretty incredible life while being in this country. He has always drank beer every day, and of course I also will go out to dinner and we will drink wine together.

    I work 6 days a week about 50 hours a week and have a full-time job, as well as teach classes, and have started my own small business. He has not had a job since we met. Neither of us is from this country so legally getting a job is difficult for him. However, he is a very talented artist, and I am happy to help him sell his artwork. He always has ideas he never follows through on and as far as I can see, prefers to just have a basic standard of living where he can drink beer, smoke pot, listen to political radio stations online and paint.

    He drinks every single day, from around 12 (definitely) until he goes to sleep around 11ish. Probably 8 beer a day. He is a beer drinker, so in the 5 years since I met him, he has gained about 25 pounds and I find myself less attracted to him, as well he feels less attractive, so our sex life is non-existent. He likes to blame the sex on the fact that I am a witch who micro-manages everything, but I have to since he does not have an income and depends on the sale of his artwork, that he puts zero effort into selling. I am lucky to have a network of people who sometimes will buy pieces of his artwork, but again, he refuses to listen to me when I encourage him to make more of the commercial pieces that sell rather than sit around drinking beer, smoking pot, and “learning about how to be a better artist” online.

    I feel this has become a codependent relationship, because his drinking drives me crazy and makes him less and less attractive to me. However, I feel anxiety when he leaves the house, or when he is not here with me. To give him credit, he is very loyal, never goes out, and only drinks at home, but every activity we do together involves drinking. We go for a walk, we have to stop and get a drink, etc. Since he is always drinking and always in the house alone and a very intelligent man, he tends to spend time thinking and reading about negative news stories and we basically have nothing to talk about, as it feels any topic I bring up he is able to swing some strange paranoid perspective onto it. He is very talented and highly intelligent, and I feel he uses alcohol to self-medicate.

    In 6 years, I have only seen him 2 days not drinking because he was hung-over, and one week when I asked him to promise to stop, because of an aggressive episode when he was drunk, he stopped for a week. Of course, one night he went for a bike ride that lasted hours, so I asked him are you drunk and he began name-calling and throwing things and yelling and acting completely crazy.

    He is always able to blame this on me, again calling me a controlling witch. So I do control things, because where we live the salaries are not high and I pay for everything. He is very generous when he does sell a painting, but his sales in one year could barely pay for 2 months of living. He is selfish around alcohol and says he will never quit. He occasionally takes cocaine, not often enough to think it is a problem, but he has proven he cannot go a day without alcohol and if he has money would prefer to spend it on pot.

    He is depressed and isolates himself from others, and at least once a week is very drunk, although his daily drinking does not seem to bother me outside of weight gain, as he seems barely affected by it. Maybe I simply do not see the high of the drunk, since I work every day 2 to 11.

    If someone was writing this to me, I know what my advice would be to them. However, I cannot take my own advice. I want him to change, to lose weight and feel healthy. He is 40 now and it seems it is all going downhill. The beautiful, intelligent, talented man I met on my vacation is now turning into someone I see as fat, with zero ambition, who cannot focus on completing any project, outside of keeping the house tidy while I am at work, and spending months on a painting that will never sell. Because he is so distracted by the internet, he cannot complete anything.

    I am 35 and do not want to start looking for another man again. I want to fix the man I have because I know he has an amazing heart but is sick. I am not perfect. If we go out to a restaurant, I too will drink and sometimes too much wine and become silly or whatnot. However, with my demanding lifestyle, I have zero time to go out to restaurants and have a meal with wine, and I do not buy alcohol to keep in the house, although his only exercise lately seems to be to walk to the beer store and buy beer.

  526. Katie February 2015 at 6:38 pm

    My husband and I got married almost a year ago. We were dating while he was an active drug user. He is now 7 years sober and I am fully supportive of him going to AA. He’s very active in the program.

    I don’t have a problem with alcohol and we have had many conversations about having alcohol in the house. It doesn’t bother him, he is in a great place in his sobriety and I know if he was struggling he would talk to me about it. He basically feels like I shouldn’t have to change my lifestyle of enjoying myself with friends and having a couple drinks, because he’s the one with the issue.

    All of his friends are involved in the program as well, and I find it very uncomfortable drinking in my own home when his friends are over. I feel like they are constantly judging me or make me feel like I am an alcoholic because I drink. I am 24 years old and I feel like the normal person my age would be living similar to me. I don’t know how to get past my feelings of guilt.

  527. mag January 2015 at 10:15 pm

    I have been with a guy for 13 years. In that time I have had three children 1, 8, 4–all his. We have lived together also the whole 13 years. In this amount of time this guy has used cocaine and drank heavily. It’s up and down. One minute he’s going to stop, the next he doesn’t come home from work.

    He will show up early in the morning when he is staggering drunk or the party is over. He starts fights with me to make excuses to not come home. I don’t know what it’s like anymore to be genuinely loved.

    I do everything for the children. His idea of spending time with kids is when he is hungover in front of a TV. It’s soooo up and down.

    I thank God I have a good head on my shoulders. I wish I could get away from this man. He doesn’t appreciate his beautiful woman and wonderful kids. He still acts like a 21-year-old. I need help! I am so fed up with feeling used and abused by this guy.

  528. Liz January 2015 at 1:36 pm

    Married to an alcoholic. Stupid to believe that some day things will change. Emotionally affected dealing with the ups and downs of drunkenness, verbal abuse, meanness, the nasty insecurity of my husband.

    After reading all the stories, I find comfort that the behavior pattern is all the same. It is all somebody else’s fault. It is my fault that I don’t love him enough, do not show him affection, did not give him enough attention, do not appreciate him enough. They have an amazing ability to make you feel guilty and suck you into it, and I did it for a long time.

    As a Christian I wrestle with verses to love those who hurt you and that God put these people in your life to straighten you out. I have a job and can support myself and don’t know why I keep sticking to this man. The truth is I still care and when he is sober he is caring.

    I am so filled with guilt at the thought of moving out. I have tried Al-Anon and I did not find it helping me. He has tried AA and that has not helped him either.

    I really don’t know what to do. I am tired and life is so empty and meaningless, depressing, and I feel so helpless.

  529. Grace January 2015 at 10:30 pm

    I met my wife in recovery. We’ve been married for about a year. I’m still sober and she’s not.

    Shortly after we got married she started drinking again. Always thinking she’s hiding it, lying to me and going out sometimes to clubs or bars after I leave for work (I work 11pm-7am). Her drinking is blatantly obvious most of the time, and I can’t stand being around her when she’s under the influence, because she’s either annoying, incoherent, or crazy. Nine times out of ten she’s in a black-out and remembers nothing.

    Sometimes when she drinks she becomes completely out of control, usually attempting to kill herself. None of these incidents has ever taken place while we were fighting. In fact, we rarely if ever argue and maybe that says something, I don’t know. She has tried to jump out of our third-story window and recently opened up my car door and jumped out while I was driving about 30 mph, (I braked right before she jumped, so it might have been more like 15 mph). She still got hurt pretty badly. After that she went to the ER, where her doctor signed off on a court-ordered rehab on a section 35 for 21 days.

    When she came home, one of the counselors called her and wanted to hang out. She came to our house with another recently released patient, they were hooking up and the counselor brought weed, which she smoked with my wife. Now my wife is in detox again. She’s calling me and talking about how her roommate is walking around naked and she wanted my wife to feel her fake boobs because they feel so real and my wife did.

    I definitely don’t want to live this way. It’s such complete nonsense. I feel like I’m married to a stranger.

  530. sara January 2015 at 2:05 pm

    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He has had a drug problem forever, but it wasn’t like this. He tells me he hates me because I complain that he uses and tells me he doesn’t want to be with me, but he says this all the time. He says bad things about me, but I know it’s because he’s struggling.

    Everyone has told me to leave him–that’s so easy to say, but to do it breaks my heart because I still love him and care about him. It seems that he just doesn’t want to be around. He’s always getting high. He hasn’t slept with me or showed any emotion, he just says bad things. I’m not a bad person. And I stand my ground, but the more I do this he gets angry, so I stay away and give him space–but I feel like I’m losing him.

    How do I leave, how do I deal with it–I cry all the time because of the things he says. I try and help because I love him, but I feel like I don’t mean anything to him anymore. I know from talking with friends that they say it’s the drugs talking. But how is this fair to me. He finds it so easy to leave. I can’t.

  531. Tiana January 2015 at 11:30 am

    My husband and I are in our 30’s. I knew he was an alcoholic prior to getting married to him, but we didn’t live together so I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I thought it would just be your typical drinker. Man, was I wrong!

    Fast-forward to 2 years later and all I want to do is leave. The verbal abuse started a few months after the marriage. He drinks every single day. Goes through a a bottle of liquor every other day (that I know about). He has turned into some sort of monster. All he does is drink, drink, drink. Doesn’t come home some nights, I won’t hear from him at all. Then he’ll blame me for why he left.

    Alcohol is his idol. He’s unable to take care of the kids because of his drinking, or help around the house. We have 3 in our house, one is a baby. I feel like a single mother and he’s another child. I used to think he would change or this would stop. No, it just gets worse. I’m trying to find the strength to leave. In the process of getting my own place. Now comes the threats to take away the kids etc., etc., verbal abuse escalating. You all know how this goes. So sad.

    I’m so tired of this life and who I have become. It’s like I’ve started becoming a different person. Probably because I’m around his negativity so much. He’s depressed. Never acts like he’s interested in anything I’m saying or doing. Talks to me with one word answers or criticizes & corrects everything I say & do. Blames me for all his problems, accuses me of cheating when I’m not, always calls me weak, bird-brain, etc. Some nights he’ll sleep on the couch for weeks at a time after drinking and passing out.

    I get lonely. Ugh, I’ll be so glad when I cut this one loose. I’m really working on my plan. I love him & my family so much, but we deserve better. I can’t deal with this anymore.

  532. melissa January 2015 at 10:55 pm

    My husband of 8 years (we have been together 14 years, since I was 18 and he was 28) walked out on me and our 2-year-old daughter.

    He has always been verbally abusive. I only started waking up to the abuse in the last year when our relationship was really rocky. We decided to have a child during the only time that he was not drinking, but soon after finding out I was pregnant he began to drink again and it got worse.

    He drives for the movies and recently got fired due to getting caught drinking while driving a big star. He blamed me for making him miserable over fighting and spending too much money and not helping enough, as his reason for drinking at work. I have cared for a child completely since she was born. Besides paying for her food and needs, I do it all. Sometimes he tells me what a great mom I am and he knows how hard raising a child is, and then when he’s mad he tells me I am an awful mother and I should be able to get more done like cleaning the house, laundry and all the errands, bills and phone calls.

    I’m the only one that does any cleaning, shopping and cooking. Could our home be cleaner? Yes, but he refuses to watch our daughter so I can get chores done. We are completely broke. I have tried so many times to come up with a budget with him, but he refuses to talk to me or shushes me because he’s watching tv.

    He has put his hands on me in anger and then denies it happened or says I started it. I am ashamed I did not leave him when he choked me in front of our child a few weeks ago. It was over a fight about me not wanting him to drive our child to swim class because I thought he was buzzed. I was so shocked and upset I just cried after he left.

    He is trying to get us thrown out of our house. He won’t give me any money and he refuses to pay the bills. He wouldn’t even get our child diapers–my family had to buy them, and food. He says I won’t let him see our daughter, but I have offered visits and phone calls–he has refused them all. She is only 2 and she misses her daddy and he won’t even talk to her. He said he stopped drinking, but I know he has not quit.

    He makes threats of taking our child from me if I don’t give him his big screen tv. I’m scared some judge will believe his lies and put my baby girl in danger. The only reason he wants her is to hurt and get control of me. I will not allow him back.

    I am going to join a support group. I will go back to college and I will learn to take care of myself and my daughter on my own. I know I can’t make him get help for his alcoholism, drug abuse and anger. He has to want to get better. It’s just hard when you still love someone who is sick and refuses to see it. He did me a favor by leaving this time. I will no longer take his abuse or let my child be a witness to it.

  533. Shirley January 2015 at 4:25 pm

    My first husband drank heavily but stopped when he almost killed our family in an auto accident while drunk. He was abusive, some physical but mostly mental. He died of heart failure. We were married 34 years and have 2 daughters.

    After he passed away, I met someone and we have been married for 12 years. We were so happy and only a few months ago things changed. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for over 20 years. He had a cold a couple of months ago and started taking Nyquil for the cold. The only problem is he has never stopped drinking it. He says it helps him sleep. We have had several arguments over this. He buys bottles of this stuff.

    This morning I looked up some things on Nyquil addiction on the internet and sent them to him and asked him to please read them. Now I just went home for lunch and he is leaving me because I brought this up again! I can’t talk to him. He just tells me to shut up, that he is done because of my attitude, that it is my fault.

    I only want him to stop taking the Nyquil so he doesn’t get addicted to it. I told him this and he just told me to go away, that he was leaving.

    I am hurt, confused, and upset. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I am also 66 years old. I signed up for my social security and planned to retire in December. I love my husband and do not want him to leave. I just don’t know what to do.

  534. Michelle January 2015 at 6:52 am

    My husband (separated again as of his last 2-day bender weekend) doesn’t drink every day, but 2 to 3 times a week he will consume a whole bottle of bourbon and the port by the schooner. He gets so disgusting and emotionally abuses me, and my poor 16 & 12-year-old have witnessed this for years.

    They have found him many times in his own vomit. They beg him to stop. I feel like a bad mother for letting them witness this. I try and keep them occupied and even send them for many sleepovers, but he wants to interact with them when he’s wasted. He also suffers depression, unmedicated.

    I’m so lost. I can’t help him. We’ve broken up 4 times now and each time he promises and begs me to come back. This time he has broken up with me and blames me for his depression and drinking. I have enabled his behaviour and I take full responsibility for my actions. He makes 6 times more money than I do and I’m so scared of facing this world alone. I’ve always been attentions middle child syndrome. I’m nearly 40 and been with him almost 18 years. I don’t know how to do this.

  535. Christy January 2015 at 12:34 am

    After three months of being a single parent, because my husband just went to work one day and never came home, I’m exhausted but I’m happy. I still mourn my marriage, but my child and I are healthier.

    My husband said that he sometimes doesn’t eat because he doesn’t have the money. I can’t help but think he has money for cigarettes and beer. He ignores me and never or hardly ever sees our child.

    I’m filing for divorce soon, because he’s unhealthy and in denial about his addiction. It’s sad that a 7-year relationship and a 5-year marriage that started off feeling like a whirlwind from a Hallmark movie is ending this way. However, alcohol is like the devil and it will destroy anything and anyone in its path, so it’s best just to get out of the way.

  536. annie January 2015 at 2:34 pm

    I live with an alcoholic, am fed up with life at the minute. I don’t know where to go or what to do. He drinks from getting up. I work and have 3 children that I would die for. I love my partner but I can’t live like this. It’s destroying me inside.

  537. marintha January 2015 at 1:18 pm

    My husband and kids are my world, but as I’m getting older and my kids are still young I find it hard to stay. We’ve been together 10 years and our boys are 8 and 2. I used to drag him out of bars to get him to leave, or I’d leave him and make him find his own way home. Well, I kicked him out and then everything changed. He stopped drinking and it was all great for a couple years. My friends would get mad at me cause I stayed.

    He’s a good father and he works. It’s just the drinking. So he’s quit several times and will stay quit for a couple years, then it starts all over. This last time his uncle came to stay with us and he drinks heavy, so that started it up again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I made his uncle leave because I couldn’t handle 2 alcoholics.

    I know what it’s like to live with an addiction, but as soon as I found out I was gonna be a mom it all stopped. I just don’t know what to do with him anymore, and I really don’t want my kids growing up seeing him drunk all the time.

  538. Neelam January 2015 at 8:27 am

    I have a son who has been drinking now for 18 years. Started from university. The first time I realised he was turning into an alcoholic is when I found black bags of beer cans in the shed.

    My elder son and I started taking him to AA meetings. Little did we know that as soon as we left him there he used to leave and go out drinking. We then decided to sit outside and wait till he finished his meeting.

    For a short time he stopped and had a girl friend, whom he got married to. The marriage lasted 2 months. My elder son left the house after his marriage. I live with my alcoholic son. He has lost 15 jobs because of his drinking and is a burden on me.

    I am divorced and he lives with me. Several times I have had to call the police, as things go out of hand when he is drunk. 45 times I have picked him up from hospitals, till I could not do it anymore.

    I have spoken to my doctor to section him to send him to a mental hospital, but seems like he does not think it is that bad. Twice he left the gas on. Breaks things, like the sink and tiles. Bangs doors at night, abusive language, comes home drunk, day in and day out. Blames me for breaking his relationships. He suffers from arthritis and skin problems.

    It is a never ending ordeal. My life is ruled by his drinking. I don’t go out. I hate leaving the house and going on holidays. He fights with everyone.

    After reading the comments, I feel I am not alone.

    God bless.

    I hate going home.

  539. Patty January 2015 at 4:25 am

    The children were just 10 and 22 months old at the time. I struggled as a single parent while my ex used the kids to get at me. But we came through that one a long time ago.

    After 8 years alone, I met my current husband. We lived together for 3 years before being married, now for 9. We were in our 30’s when we met. Things were good, and for the most part still are. The children mentioned before are now turning 19 and 20 and we also have a thriving 6-year-old.

    What saddens me–my husband likes to be social, and being social seems to require drinking. He is incapable of having only one or two, unless he’s around family. With friends it’s an all-nighter all the time. I thought at one point it would be best to have friends here, so that I knew he was safe and I could maybe manage the situation and his drinking. I’m a one-drink girl myself–and not if we’re home with our daughter.

    We’ve had the discussion before about how he treats me and the kids and the dogs after a night of alcohol and friends go home. That’s when “the other guy” emerges. He’s always looking for a fight, swearing, name-calling, and tries to put me down. I’ve always stood up to him–questioned his actions; tried to make him miraculously become “sober.” It’s not working.

    I’m glad I can’t sleep tonight, after another wonderful evening of being told I have a gambling problem (I only go with him and don’t spend more then 100.00 btw). He makes way more money then I do and he pays the bills. I have expenses too, but I don’t make half of what his income is–my point? I feel he holds this over my head like he has earned the right to treat me this way–that I am beneath him.

    In the morning he remembers everything, but if I try to talk to him he either finds excuses for his behaviour or he tries to turn it on me that I was the one who was rude, etc.

    I see the pattern of abuse. I find that I don’t want to talk to him about it–he’s not listening anyway, and I’m scared he’ll get angry.

    Reading others’ posts has given me some strength tonight and I feel calm and empowered. We are not alone. We are strong. We are intelligent, and beautiful. We deserve to be happy and loved.

    Tonight I have decided to make some changes is my life, starting now–not tomorrow or next week. Right now. My once vibrant life has become housemaid, cook, gardener, full-time job, single parent, etc. And somewhere in there is the woman I used to love, who used to have time for herself and her children, who had friends that would actually call her just to talk. This woman is going to go back to the gym three times a week, go back to church every Sunday, not just for christenings and Christmas, and I’m doing this because I deserve it.

    If he chooses to come with me, he will be welcomed. If he chooses his own path in another direction, well, then that was his choice. And I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t choose me.

  540. Patty January 2015 at 4:10 am

    My first husband was abusive–although not an alcoholic. Just mean. I left him years ago.

  541. lee January 2015 at 3:50 pm

    I thought I’d put over a male opinion. My partner or former partner is an alcoholic. I’d love her to still be my partner, just to try and save the day. My kids still live with her, albeit they’re 18 and 22. She has been on 3 detox programs and failed the lot–drunk on top of the tablets. She also lost her job after being in the same job for 23 years.

    My kids are so unhappy. Yes, I’m aware they could leave, but they’re scared in case there mum does something silly, which she did do last year–a suspected overdose, but we managed to save the day, thankfully.

    I still love this lady. She was my partner for 23 years. I know she was a cracking mum and a cracking partner, who done everything for us. All I do is worry, was on anti-depressants myself for 6 months, but managed to come off them. I’ve lost weight with worry.

    Life is crap. I still make contact. Today I took down lunch, but she finds it hard to eat and I fear her health is now being affected. I’m so sad. Just wish I’d wake up and this was a dream. This has been going on for over a year, or maybe longer, which I wasn’t aware of. Good luck to all other people affected.

  542. Christy January 2015 at 10:07 pm

    Since my husband ignores us, I took my son to his place of employment, only to give him the Christmas gifts he had for his daddy. I noticed he was wearing a new bracelet, but not his wedding ring. He hasn’t worn it anytime I’ve seen him, all of four times since he left.

    I asked him about the new bracelet and found out it was handmade by another woman. How childish, right? So I asked him why he would wear that from her and not our ring. He said she made everyone one. So I later asked him if anyone had kissed him or if there was ever anything with anyone. He went silent and didn’t answer my text.

    I know in my heart he’s done something that he feels guilty for, because that’s when he doesn’t answer me. He’s the father of my child, but he’s no longer the man I married. I was heartbroken all over again. However, I will get my revenge the best way and I will tell you all how.

    My husband, who is consumed by alcohol, is not the man I fell in love with. He can’t be because he’s numb inside. I have to get out. My revenge will come with my success. He may not see it right now, but someday he will, or maybe he won’t. However, I will see it.

    I will see my success and that will empower me even more. I am strong because I have to be and I deserve the best the world can give me. I walked around for months, feeling like his leaving me was my fault. It’s not and it wasn’t. I love my child, but he will not repeat his father’s mistakes. My husband’s father did the same thing to my husband’s mother.

    My child will learn better and be better because we deserve better. I feel sad sometimes, but I’ve had a lot of support and these words have been said to me. So, if my saying them here helps someone else, then that makes me very happy. I must and wil