What does it mean, our lives became unmanageable?

Published by at 2:03 am under First Steps

The third of six “Introduction of Al-Anon Meeting” podcasts: What do we mean when we say our lives became unmanageable? Does it mean we will always feel angry or sad or depressed? Will our lives continue to be as chaotic as they are today? Is there any hope for improvement?

How to locate a meeting

This is a series of six Al-Anon Family Group podcasts, especially recorded to introduce you to Al-Anon meetings.


77 comments on “What does it mean, our lives became unmanageable?”

  1. Lianne says:

    My name’s Lianne.
    I came across this website because I was trying to find a meeting. I missed my Al-Anon home group meeting yesterday and so I decided to go to another meeting today but I missed that one too.
    My brother came back from drug and alcohol rehab 8 months ago. While visiting him during the family part of the rehab program the counsellors suggested I go to Al-Anon. I try to go regularly but sometimes I feel so caught up in my thoughts. These podcasts helped me see that this week I have been obsessing over my living situation. First I lived with my Aunt’s sister who drank every night so I ran away. Now I’ve moved into a rented room but my housemate is a sober alcoholic currently in recovery. I want to run away again. I can move again to a new place. I want to move because my housemate got angry and now I’m scared that he will start drinking, yelling, and my landlord won’t do anything about it and I will end up living with an alcoholic again.
    I see now that I keep running away whenever someone gets angry because I’m scared of anger. But I don’t need to be scared anymore because I have the strength experience and hope of Al-Anon and as long as I keep the focus on me my higher power will help me take care of myself and keep myself safe. I didn’t realize how insane I’ve been – I’ve been trying to avoid every single alcoholic in the world and that is impossible. I don’t have to accept unacceptable behaviour but I also need to keep the focus on me and not obsess over the people at work who talk about how much they drink and how they do drugs on the weekends. Instead of focusing on them I need to focus on myself. I need to allow myself to feel fear and anger and act sanely instead of shutting off my emotions or making hasty decision out of fear. I am not being honest with my current boyfriend. I often run away from him, shut him out emotionally, and hurt him because I’m so caught up in my anxiety and frustration as I try to control the alcoholics and I fail to control them again and again.
    I don’t have chickens in my living room but today I took on my own ‘extra chickens’ at work – I took on extra burdens and responsibilities – and I keep doing that whenever someone at work asks me to take them on until my job responsibilities increase to the point where it’s completely unmanageable and unreasonable. Thank you for letting me see that my life has become unmanageable – obessing over other people’s behaviour and drinking habits is an unmanageable way to live my life.
    Thank you for allowing me to share.

  2. samantha says:

    It’s soo hard. I can relate to alcoholics–mine is a functional alcoholic, always desperate for a drink. It is 20 plus years. Every week seems to become more and more difficult. It doesn’t ever stop. Only way out is to get out and leave and never look back. If you don’t see them, it won’t bother you as much. If you live with them, only then they have the power to make your life miserable.

    Life is too short to waste it on selfish people who love drugs/alcohol more than life itself. Good luck to all enduring the same situation. The only way out is to FIND THE EXIT.

  3. crystal says:

    I have recently seen a therapist due to my anxiety disorder. She brought it to my attention that my anxiety is a result of being codependent. My anxiety alone has made my life so unmanageable, I am feeling panicked with the thought of being in a group to share my story!

    I was raised with an alcoholic stepfather. I didn’t realize his alcoholism had affected me so much. I was always a strong-minded person, and left the house at a young age to just detach myself from that lifestyle. My mother has MS, and my brother with Down syndrome, which made me feel guilty for leaving. I would come back for a few months at a time to take care of them, and “stand up” to my stepdad when it came to his behavior with my mother.

    I am now 30, with 3 kids, and after years of blocking any alcoholics from being a big part of my life, I am now the girlfriend of an alcoholic. I have been with him for 2 years, and although I feel like my life is manageable, I am beginning to realize that having to avoid him when he drinks, because I don’t want to be a part of it, is becoming unmanageable, especially with my kids. I am also feeling sad, because I have let this deep-seeded issue affect my life in so many negative ways. I always thought myself to be smarter and stronger than all this.

    I used to have close friendships, and felt very comfortable being around others. I used to play music, and paint, and dance, and play, and now I feel like my world revolves around my alcoholic. I do subtle things to detach myself from him, but it comes back full circle every time, no matter what I do. I want to learn how to let him be an alcoholic, without it destroying every fiber of my fabulous being! Thanks for letting me share!

  4. Engraved Pewter Tankard says:

    Great information. Lucky me, I recently found your site by accident (stumbled upon). I’ve saved it for later!

  5. baffled says:

    I am completely baffled by alcoholism. I met my significant other over two years ago. He was staight up with me about his previous drinking & even how he spent time in jail. He seemed so in control, drinking beer but never to drunkeness. We were very happy and really enjoyed being together.

    After a few months, he started staying with us (me & my young teen-age son). Life was wonderful. He was the man of my dreams!! Eventually, he started buying liquor & having one or two ‘on the rocks’ at night. Wasn’t an issue, very in control. He had a few evenings of big drunks when out with a buddy, who would bring him home, pour him out in the driveway & leave the rest up to me.

    The worst part is that when out, he would not answer his phone, no response to text msgs, nothing. I had no idea where he was or what was going on. That threw my emotions into a tail spin–from really angry, to worried, to untrusting, back & forth & all around. The next day, all would go on as normal.

    This happened few & far between, so I tucked away the hurt and anger. Sometimes we would have serious talks. He claimed he wanted to cut back, make things better. I offered my love and support. There were at times, 4-6 months in between serious drunks. But, every time, the same cycle–discuss change, good for a while, then another downhill slide.

    Yet, here we are again, now in the most serious downhill slide thus far. He states he sees where he was at before he went to jail (in that dark place), lying ahead of him, doesn’t want to go there, but doesn’t want to stop either. Doesn’t matter, he doesn’t care. Has been on three major drunks in the last week and every time there is a dicussion or argument about it, he wants to go, go, go–got to go, got to get away. Tells me I have done nothing wrong and he loves me very much.

    I ask if he wants to be in a relationship for us or does he want his life for himself. He claims he wants us. Never any apologies, though, as he doesn’t feel he is doing anything wrong. He states this is who he is & he is not going to change. But this is not the man I fell head over heals in love with.

    When he is sober, he is wonderful–funny, caring, compassionate. He & my son are on a roller coaster–getting along, laughing, having conversation, working well together one minute, then rolling to the extreme opposite, almost as if they hate each other, the next.

    I need help. I am depressed, have anxiety attacks, working non-stop to please him, so concerned with making him happy that I am absolutely exhausted and miserable. I sit back & ask “What about me?” but there doesn’t seem to be room for me. So many different emotions, it is overwhelming. Never any physical pains, strictly the emotional.

    Sometimes when he is drunk he will be very emotional & loving, other times he completely shuts off, no care for how he is hurting or alienating others.

    I am afraid to go to any meetings, simply out of the fear of losing him when he finds out. I feel helpless, I want to fix it. My mind tells me there is nothing I can do, except to be here when he hits rock bottom, love him & support him.

    My heart is torn between staying or moving on.
    I ask God to guide me and give me strength. There is so much clutter in my head, I can’t tell if it is God telling me to move on or the devil pointing me down the wrong path.

    I hope I can learn how to help myself & my son, to bring us peace & happiness in all this, without my significant-other knowing.

  6. diana says:

    I will be going to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. Thank you for affording me this opportunity to meet with others who may be able to help me find some buoys in the rough sea I’m in right now.

    My husband doesn’t have an off switch. After reading these entries I see many aspects of my own behavior that have been both loving and destructive.

    When I met my husband, 17 years ago, he had 13 years of sobriety. After two years of marriage he started to drink beer. It has been escalating up and down for the past 10 years. I have been his drinking partner throughout this time. I seem to be able to pick it up and put it down at will. Drinking with him has not been helpful.

    Now I will go to a meeting to begin to hear about what I need to do to take care of myself, regardless of whether or not he chooses to join me in a life of peace and sobriety.

  7. Dogfer says:

    My alcoholic parent is nearby now, after 20 years. I’m turning OCD. I want the approval from parent to child, but I know I won’t ever get it. At the other extreme, I just want to move far, far away. My parent left my sibling with a huge issue. Now my parent is near me and I am so afraid of the huge issue being dropped in my lap.

    With the OCD I am trying to control something I know I can’t control. But my parent doesn’t respect and/or doesn’t know anything about boundaries. I attempt to set boundaries, but it seems I continuously come up on the short end of the stick. I am so frustrated. And I have a most difficult time trying not to be the “caretaker,” as I was as a child. I am an ACoA, but there aren’t as many websites dedicated to ACoA.

    I feel I am at extremes with my parent. I so badly want their approval, and at the same time I so badly want to not have a relationship at all with my parent. And in the middle is my inner child, not wanting to get hurt another time. I am here, seeking help. Al-Anon is great help. I know where the meetings are, I will make time in my schedule to begin attending again. I am thankful for this help.

  8. PZ says:

    In April I married the love of my life. We fell in love at summer camp when we were 12. We were like peas and carrots. After that summer we lost touch, and reconnected on Facebook 25 years later. I have never loved anyone more than this man in my life.

    As it turns out. . . he loves me too, but he loves heroin and meth more. I found him again, fell in love with him, married him, and have now left him, all in one year. I don’t know how to pick myself up anymore because I am exhausted from picking him up.

    I’m so sad. Sad for him, sad for me, and sad for my two little boys who thought he was “the coolest step dad on the planet”. I want to be able to function again. . . for God’s sake. I just want to get through one day without crying. I just want him to be clean. I just want soooo much that isn’t possible.

  9. whateverwerks says:

    Okay. I know the drill — from the perspective of recovery as a recovered alcoholic (since 1/10/1989). Yet, I have no clue and only see that I can no longer deny the long-term effects: raised by an abusive parent, a mentally ill parent, the years of living with a spouse who abused me, my child and even though I escaped that awful lifestyle, now my own adult child, and even a series of hostile bosses indicate, to me, now, just how far I have come while I have even further to go.

    There were indications that I ought to seek support from someone, somewhere, even an Al-Anon group program. So, here I am. Depressed, lonely, isolated in almost every respect from others and myself, even. I am so embarrassed. So angry. So sick. Geez I hate admitting my inability to “fix” this sadness and move out of this grief.

    So, once again, here I am, people. Not drinking, but craving — yes, craving to call my sick, sick child and offer more money to “help” out again; and, for what? My help only digs a deeper hole. Money to buy more drugs. Money to help get the temporary fix. That is all that I am ever asked for these days. Money.

    I am unable to recover, I mean — on my own. Nearly exhausted all of my savings, loaning/giving money to my child who refuses to get help to stop the addiction to her need, to the same drugs and alcohol and yes, even the abusive behaviors and over-reactions that surface when my child cannot have the fix needed when she needs it.

    When I saw my newborn grandchild jittery and shaking from the tension and hostility — perhaps even, yes, the drugs that must permeate the environment, the household; seeing my adult child shaking from the need to “go out for just a minute” only to return with the drug that only she carefully, ever so slightly tried to hide. . . I knew. And fearing the worst, of course, I stayed silent, left without a word, not wanting to cause more upset and confusion, let alone endure another screaming argument.

    I could not bear to witness the happenings that go on in an alcoholic-addict environment. Instead, I have once again experienced the cold shoulder. The silence. The phone call that will never arrive, to apologize for the sudden absence and express the shame that was/is continuing.

    My grandchild is helpless, with no voice to express the need for help. I turned my back on her, on my child, my grandchild, the very people I love. This is my first step to get the help I need above and beyond my own ability to comprehend anything. I pray that there is a good reason, a god of some sort, a power greater than I am, to help them, since I cannot do this for them, or myself, on my own.

  10. Kerrie says:

    I found out two weeks ago that my boyfriend (long term relationship) was addicted to cocaine, and typically abused alcohol when high. I had no idea whatsoever about the cocaine usage, although I did recognize he could never ‘just have one or two drinks’.

    While he admitted himself to rehab over a week ago, which I’m very happy about and intend to support him the best I can, I feel overwhelmed and shocked. I am looking after his kids on weekends, dealing with his ex-wife (who is no picnic), taking care of all his finances and finalizing the renovation on our house which he was supposed to manage, in addition to maintaining my own day-to-day life. Before all this, he was ‘superman’ to me, he ran a big company, was charismatic, a good dad, and we had a very close and calm relationship.

    I feel sad, angry, and dissapointed that he hid something like this from me for half of our relationship, and generally in over my head.
    I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting this evening and am feeling quite intimidated.

    This weekend I will take his kids to visit him in rehab for the first time. I’m scared for the unexpected. He has been allowed to call me the past week, and while we’ve had some great conversations, I can’t help but feel as though he’s being self-centered cause he tends to tell me all about his treatment and not ask how I’m doing, while meanwhile I’ve more or less taken over managing his day-to-day life for him while he’s in rehab.

    I’m a strong person, and have overcome family/personal challenges in my life before, but I just feel at a loss cause this hit me like a ton of bricks, per se, since I was completely oblivious to the addiction. I have numerous questions for him, but don’t want to distract him from treatment. I feel like I’m looking after everyone but myself, and am hoping Al-Anon can provide me with some coping mechanisms.

    Needed to vent, and thanks to all who took the time to read this.

  11. Need2bHealthyAgain says:

    Tonight I went to my, again, first meeting. I should not have stopped the first time 6 years ago but I got sucked in again to “Da Circle of Deception” that I believe time and time again. “I promise to… okay, I will commit to… I’m sorry for… I understand now…” and on and on and on and on. Okay, so now enough is enough.

    He doesn’t get it, he doesn’t understand my side of the fence, and Lord will he ever?

    Lived with it too many decades. Grew up in it, married it and then married it again.

    Time to take that sign off my heart–alcoholics/addicts apply here–that my good ol’ dad placed there growing up.

    Normal relationship… Oh, you mean… It’s not where the man calls his wife every name from the Dictionary of Profanity? It doesn’t involve humiliation, challenging every thing or word that you say? It does not involve accusations, debates or lying? Is this where the actions of trust, being cherished, honestly, respect come into play?

    I heard about those kinds of relationships. Yet, I have never had one. I even heard that some people get married and live out their lives minus that third wheel that is packaged in cans, bottles, cases, fifths, mickeys, etc. I have yet to see or experience that, too.

    Thank you, government officials, for placing the booze in every corner store. But hey, if it ain’t booze, it’s gambling and if ain’t gambling, it’s drugs–and if you throw a few babes in there, well, addicts will be addicts.

    Enough is Enough.

    What I learned today. Stop being THEIR GOD. Big boys can make their own decisions. They are either going to or not going to. Nothing you can do or say is going to instill or control what they REALLY are going to do. You can only look after yourself (your true #1) and be responsible to yourself. You can cry the tears, scream the scream, make the demands, threats, or place ultimatums. Newsflash at 11, beep, beep. If the desire is strong enough and the juice is in walking, driving and even crawling distance..they will sniff out the closest source! Nothing you can do but hold the door open and yell, fetch.

    I even hid it in the weirdest places one day, and he sniffed it out! I have experience, but his was greater!
    Will I enable anymore–not a chance. Will I cover up for him anymore–not a chance. Will I attempt to control the situations or place false hope on this–not, not, and not a chance.

    He is going to drink himself to death.

    I am going to keep going to the next and the next and the next meeting so that I can once again LIVE and maybe even leave. Yes, I am that serious, to be at a meeting on a Saturday night!

    Alcohol will kill him. I already see its toll on him . Alcohol will not kill me.

    The end came when I realized that I am tired of having a BAT-PHONE to the local police dept and that I may need to pave over my lawn and hang POLICE PARKING signs with lined parking spaces for all the cruisers I have at my door due to his indulgence. Most recent, last night. So many they parked in my neighbor’s drive as well. How’s that for being neighborly, huh? I was just waiting for the film crew to arrive!

    Tired and afraid I am going to receive a letter soon from the mayor or the local board of trustees where we live, telling me they made the decision to re-locate police headquarters to my garage to save time on communications, time and gas to our place.

    And he wonders why I, after a decade of this, want O-U-T! Finally I said to myself, this is bigger than me, get to AL-ANON, buy my own vehicle, acquire a job, save moolah, find a new place to live and a then make the trip to my attorney when I’m safe and sound again!

    Keep going–I am. Avoid the REARVIEW MIRRORS at all cost! Try all. Be safe, and always remember–you between them and the closest door. Never in a room with a drunk on any level but ground level. Personal property is not as valuable as your life or sanity! And most of all, Cash Back on an ATM that you can save up for a cheap hotel when you are in danger can be the difference between you taking another breath and being laid out on stretcher! Never say Never.

  12. hh says:

    I’m worried about my grown son, who seems so angry all the time. He and his daughter are not speaking. She has a lot of his traits and seems very angry as well.

    I feel I’m to blame for letting him down. We had a lot of problems when my husband and I were younger, with combining two families, and feelings got hurt.

    I sure wish I could fix things.

  13. gettingbetter says:

    I have been with my alcoholic husband for 25 years, and before that I was married to another alcoholic for 9 years. Their “styles” were so different that I didn’t recognize the alcoholism in my current husband. As you can guess, I’m no spring chicken but I am in generally good health and still have my sanity. I have been going to Al-Anon for about 29 years, but not always continuously.

    Living with my current alcoholic is like living with two different people in the same body – one is loving, responsible, affectionate, skilled, smart and caring; the other is ugly (to me), scary, crazed, risk-taking, does stupid and dangerous things and generally doesn’t care about anyone but himself. The instrument of this transformation is simply alcohol. He just started a 5-month sentence for multiple DUI’s and driving under revocation. I often wonder how a smart man can do such dumb things, and do them over and over again. He has had varying periods of sobriety and goes to AA in between his drinking but seems unable to “get it”. Hundreds of broken promises over the years and lots of fear and anxiety. He is a master at working the system and this is the first time he has had to do ‘real time’.

    I have learned detachment pretty well by now and I don’t feel guilty but I do feel some compassion for him in his struggle with alcoholism, but is this compassion enough to keep a marriage going? I am so detached that I really don’t care if I never see him again. Divorce keeps popping up in my mind because I worry about my legal liabilities if something really bad were to happen as a result of him drinking in the future; I have been pretty lucky that nothing like that has happened yet although there are certainly many effects from his drinking in terms of my daughter, my emotional health, my bodily health. I am trying to not force a decision but just allow my HP to bring me to the right solution for me.

  14. Bonnie says:

    I am in love with an alcoholic/drug addict. Somehow I ask myself, why did my heart fall for him?
    But since I am now going to Al-Anon meetings I stopped asking why and I’m trying to listen to the program, which asks of me to bring the focus on me rather than the alcoholic.

    I have ended the relationship because I couldn’t stand the disease. It is not that I don’t love him, but being around the disease, love cannot grow healthy and it turns out to become enabling instead.

    I had to become courageous and leave that relationship and focus on myself. He is God’s child and instead of me playing God I place him in the able hands of God in prayer and I practice Letting Go. I must tell you it is not easy, but by doing this I am doing God’s will and I proceed to love myself against all odds, against all my emotional hang-ups of the past. He, being the alcoholic and drug addict, is actually my spiritual teacher.

    Because of his disease, I am learning a lot in spiritual principles and without Al-Anon I couldn’t do that. He is suffering in his disease and I stopped resenting him. I send my prayers to him and I ask God to take good care of him and I ask God to bless his life with joy and happiness.

  15. Marian says:

    It is mesmerizing to read these, which I assume is an indication that I am still processing everything I have experienced having to do with co-dependency and an alcoholic. It is scary to think I have co-dependent tendencies, but I look in the mirror and tell myself I love myself for those tendencies. They are a squishy part of me that I take care of and it’s great, it’s challenging, it is part of my life.

    As of right now, I am a bit over a year out of a 3-year relationship that was verbally and finally physically abusive. That was where I drew the line at that point in my life. It has taken a lot of Melody Beattie and prayer to move that line so that I don’t let the energy get sapped out of me, don’t tolerate disrespect because I’m not scared of being alone anymore. Haha, well, I am. But a lot of the time I enjoy it, and when I don’t enjoy it, that’s okay too.

    I am not sure what I am trying to say here, but I suppose it is that I am very happy not to be with an alcoholic. If someone cannot treat someone with respect, they should not be in a relationship. I believed that someone earns the right to be in a loving committed relationship just by virtue of being born. Because there was a good heart buried beneath everything else that was making him hurt me. But that is not true. There is a lot of maturing and hard work that has to be done before someone earns the right to be with someone else and be loved. Or else they will abuse it.

    I am afraid I will choose the wrong person again. I already have chosen poorly in my dating since the relationship. I look at texts or listen to someone’s voice on the phone and realize I have sought out someone who is like my ex. And then I end it.

    Thankfully I have also dated someone sweet and respectful so I know it can be better. Life can be great. I had to be very patient, very scared, lonely, hurt and insecure for a long time. I had to think long and hard about things in my upbringing that may have made me feel unable to be alone or unworthy of being taken care of, and obligated to save someone.

    I still don’t know what the future holds. But my number one priority is listening to my feelings. And if they say I don’t like how it feels to be with someone, that is enough to stop that relationship. I might be foregoing some great times but I don’t feel guilty about it. I just do it. I am more important than some guy. I just am.

  16. Sally says:

    My daughter is an alcoholic, and in my ignorance I thought I could solve her problems. Through Al-Anon, I learned that I can’t.

    I lost so much of my life worrying, fretting and trying to ‘fix’ her and her problems. It wasn’t until I started attending Al-Anon regularly that I found out what MY role is, and how to focus on ME instead of the alcoholic.

    If you have been thinking about going to an Al-Anon meeting but haven’t yet, please go. You might not find the ‘right’ meeting with the first one you go to, but keep going back. It works. It really does.

  17. barb says:

    My life became unmanagable in so many ways.

    I became so wrapped up in his disease that I ended up having few friends, no social life, got into a deep dark depression that swallowed me whole. The only thing I was able to do was care for our child, and eat. I had to eat because I had another one on the way.

    I spent many nights crying myself to sleep.

    I was embarrassed almost anytime we went somewhere. It’d be with his drinking friends and he’d humiliate me in front of them–yell at me, call me names.

    I couldn’t talk on the phone when he was home because he’d get drunk and start with me–either accusing me of talking to another man and taking my phone away, or call me names, or be extremely annoying–humiliating me.

    I made exscuses for him. It seemed like everything revolved around him, from me trying to get him to get help, to me having to hunt him down and be worried sick at times, to me trying to do everything perfect so he wouldn’t have any reason to yell at me when he got home. I would try so hard to not set him off so he wouldn’t hit me.

    The storm would pass and he’d be normal for a short time and make promises. And just when I would let my guard down, out of nowhere came the monster.

    He was so physically and emotionally abusive that I wanted to die when I was pregnant with our second, which was the breaking point and I knew that I had to get help and called a shelter.

    We lost two apartments. I have no car. I wanted to go back to school, lost sight of my dreams. I still suffer from depression.

    CPS removed me and my children from the home because it was either we leave or he leave, and he said he couldn’t because of his job. So me and my kids were forced to go live with my parents, which is the lessor of two evils, but it’s not where I want to be.

    We hardly see a dime from him. I basically lost everything–so many pieces of myself, time. I’ve become bitter and angry.

  18. Val says:

    It’s been years since I have been to a meeting, but I have to tell you, after 26 years of being married to a currently drinking alcoholic, it’s discouraging watching him slowly die now. He drinks himself into a frenzy, then sets out to eat every peice of sugar he can find in the house to “put him out,” as he calls it. I have learned over the years that I do what makes me happy. He is not abusive verbally or physically – just a “functioniing drunk”. It’s just sad now watching him slowly die, and he seems to be OK with it. I am glad he has found his peace–I will miss him. I give him 8-9 more years at best. I don’t mean to sound bitter–just sad.

  19. ann says:

    My son is 37; his dad is an alcoholic. We are now divorced. My son has been in and out of treatment centres for the last 5 years, when he told me he had an addiction to cocaine. He was 11 months clean, living with my mom and me when we decided to co-sign for a car loan and furniture, as he was working and moved into his own apt. I am on a disability as well.

    He has gone back to using and has left me with a 30 thousand dollar debt, and I have helped him with his rent. I am constantly worried about him. I have keys to his place. One night I slept there and came home because I was so sick. I went back there to clean his apt. He has no idea what I go through because his only desire is to get high. Last time I went over there I found empty cough medicine and Tylenol and Gravol bottles, that he takes all at once. He has been using and/or drinking since he was 15. I feel so helpless and I keep going to meetings and doing my Steps.

    He has gone to A.A. in the past. I believe he also has a brain disorder, but I don’t know what came first–the addiction or the brain disorder. When he is well, he is so kind and considerate and as a mom I am so confused with this behavior of addiction that is so prevalent in the world today.

    I know parents that have lost their children to addiction, and now the reality is that I may be one of those parents. His father basically abandoned our son, so there has been very little contact or none. I understand and do know that this disease only gets worse and is progressive, so he has lost everything and has sold all his clothes and has nothing. When he will hit bottom, I don’t know. I do know that I pray for him and he is in God’s hands. Yesterday I thought that if God does take him at least he will be in peace. I feel sick thinking these thoughts as a mom. Thanks for listening, and God bless.

  20. Conco says:

    Wow, I stumbled onto this website somehow, and there in the words I am reading, is me! I am living a life much like the ones I am reading about! I can’t believe it!

    Several months ago, my boyfriend of many long years ago, (when he and I were 15 years old), contacted me. I have not been in a meaningful relationship for 20 years and this man has really touched my heart. After several months of fun banter on the internet and phone, he came to visit me. We had a lovely time, but I suspected something was ‘wrong’, but was not sure what it was. There were several times on the phone, that I suspected ‘things’ were not right, but I did not want to believe that all was not well! It seemed like our meeting again after all these years was ‘fate’, such a wonderful gift. But now, it feels like torture!

    He is an alcoholic, he knows it, he is not delusional about his disease. He has spent many hours, days, years, in both drunkeness and sobriety. He knows how the disease works. And he also knows the successes people have in AA, because he has had those also!

    I feel he has come into my life for many reasons. I feel God allows that or even helps that to happen for our growth, learning, and understanding. I just wish I had all the answers right now. I am not a very patient person, so I guess that is one of the lessons I must learn. I want this man in my life, and then I want him to go away, because it’s too hard. He has made me realize how alcohol has effected my life, before he entered it. My grandfather, father, brother, nephew, cousins, all are alcoholics and or drug users.

    I have recently started going to Al-Anon. It’s good, and I am grateful for the program. It’s just so painful right now. It’s hard. I feel numb, then sad and despairing. Thanks for letting me share.

  21. gen says:

    I’d like to see comments on “the silent treatment.” I am so tired of living this way. The mood swings really get to me. Returned to Al-Anon meetings recently. Sorry I ever stopped going. I pray for relief as I wait for my next meeting. I will phone my sponsor tomorrow. I hope I can find my way back to this website.

  22. Ricardo A says:

    My life’s unmanageability means that I think, in a distorted way, it’s dangerous to be me or just to let my mind and myself flourish. In Al-Anon I found out in an overwhelming way that my unmanageability made me think that if I let it go, something terribly dangerous could happen to me.

    That simple, but somehow powerful, negative way of thinking had driven me to feeling kind of trapped, feeling really scared, almost constantly emotionally reacting – not in an outgoing way, in an ingoing way, though, inside my head and my heart.

    Thank you, Al-Anon, for letting me share.

  23. myparentsdrink says:

    My parents drink a lot. They just drink and drink 24/7. I go to Al-Anon because of my parents.

  24. Brenda says:

    I came to this site to get information. I have two daughters (34/35) who are into drugs. Both have been in rehab and it seems like it has been of no help. I was married (still married, but have been separated for 3 years) to an alcoholic who left me for another woman who is also an alcoholic. My problem is that my daughters are out of control and I am just an enabler and cannot seem to find out how to stop. I am going to go to a meeting, but this web-site was very informative.

  25. lilax says:

    I have never written anything that would make my situation public before. My boyfriend, and also the father of my son, is an alcoholic and a drug addict. We have been together over four years and three-and-a-half of them have been hell. I have tried to fix the situation by holding his hand. This method, or any method of mine, is doomed to fail. In my head, I know I cannot fix him. Only God knows why I keep trying.

    He has done rehab stints in three states and jail time in two. He has recently joined a new rehab program and has been sober for four months. I think he relapsed last night.

    I see him slipping through my fingers, yet there is nothing I can do to hold on to this glimpse of sobriety he has shown me. I caught myself saying that I am losing him. But the truth is that I never really had him. . . I am losing myself.

    I have come to this website to re-learn how to pray for myself.

  26. needhelp says:

    I have not been to a meeting in a long time. But now, after being married to an alcoholic for 23 years, we are having problems in our relationship. I know that it might be the fear that I was trying to control how I was dealing with what I called a self-inflicted disease. That’s what I keep telling myself. My husband stated that he was unhappy and doesn’t know if he wants to work on our relationship or not, but that’s up to him. I just need to help myself to be me. From what I have been reading and listening to in these podcasts, I know that I let other people decide for me what I should feel about a lot of things. And I know I have to think for myself and should not care what other people think of me.

  27. Slidintopain says:

    I am sorry for everyone who posted that you have had or continue to go through the same misery and hell that I am in right now. I am having an extremely hard time, and someone told me to look up this site. I am glad I did.

    When I met my now husband, I just knew that I had found “the one.” He was super sweet, caring, understanding, ambitious, compassionate, fun, and just altogether became my best friend. We even began working together as a couple in business and it worked very, very well. People were amazed at what he and I accomplished as a team. He had some time sober when we got together, and when we talked about that, he always said he never wanted to go back to that lifestyle. Well, we married and he made a little over 2 years of sobriety, and then BOOM, like hitting a brick wall, it all fell apart in what seems like an instant. All it took was just that first beer, and then it was all downhill.

    Now it’s always him blaming me, blaming the kids, blaming his or my parents, blaming clients of his work. He curses me out and puts me down in every way he possibly can. He takes off and drives drunk, even though he has already gotten DWI’s for this. He will sit, in the few times being sober, and ask me what I am thinking or what is bothering me. Yet, if I tell him, he gets all mad, and it’s not even that I say anything bad to him. I don’t know why he bothers to ask. It is just crazy. My stress level is through the roof. I hurt so bad to have the man I know and fell in love with back, the best friend I could ever have.

    Three weeks ago we had an argument, and this time I just left and stayed away from him, cuz he was in a really bad way. I had my cell phone shut off. Because I did not answer it immediately when he called, he proceeded to call the police on me for driving “his truck.” Anyway, 5 days later he decided to sober up and talk to me, and of course made all the promises and said all the nice things–how he was quitting drinking; he knew how it made him and how bad it was screwing up our lives together and how the kids and I are the most important things to him. But, of course, here we are 3 weeks later and he is drunk and over by his old house, where he runs when he can’t deal with reality or anyone “attacking” him. He is calling me every 5 minutes to call me names and make threats and call me a liar, even though I have nothing to hide or lie about, not to mention that I have heard him lie no less than 20 times in the last week. So anyhow, this special Mother’s Day that he promised, turned out to be just another drunken weekend, where he is just angry at the world.
    Yeah, I think I could use some of these meeting, but I don’t deal very well in public situations where I don’t know anyone. Yeah, I am scared to go, scared that my emotions will come spilling out and I will embarass myself, because my emotions are just raw right now. Anyhow, I am relieved knowing that I am not alone out there. Thanks for listening.

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