What Al‑Anon tools help me deal with a loved one’s relapse?
Please share your experiences by commenting on the topic below. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest. Member sharing on the Member Blog may be used in future Al‑Anon publications.
This month we’re asking you to share on the question, “What Al‑Anon tools help me deal with a loved one’s relapse?”
I had to return to Step One after living with a sober alcoholic 20+ years. Talking with a long-time member also helped.
Definitely the fellowship of the women and men in program and knowing I am not alone is a huge help when my husband relapses. Recognizing that it’s a pattern and that it has nothing to do with me…the 3 Cs – I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it and Q-Tip – Quit Taking it Personally…are two of my go to slogans when he’s in relapse. I regularly go to 3-4 meetings a week and talk with my sponsor, working the steps, weekly and text or talk on the phone with someone in program daily.… Read more »
I don’t know if what I have to say qualifies as a relapse since my current situation for the last 5-6 years living with my loved one is either momentary cranky and insane while not drinking… or just insane while drinking, it’s gotten to the point where it’s both similar to me. My only job is to try my best at detaching with love. I used to detach with coldness, anger, and resentment or just enmesh myself with over responsibility and blame. I love the literature “Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships” and “Discovering Choices” to help keep the focus on me.… Read more »
My husband has relapsed twice since seeking sobriety in 2017. The first time, I had only been attending meetings for 6 weeks or so, but already I had been given some tools to help me deal with his relapse. After I blew up in anger, the things I’d heard in meetings kicked in and I remembered to leave the house and call someone from the program. She helped me to see how much pain he must have been in to turn to drinking again. She listened to my anger, reminded me to go to meetings, and sent me home to say (through gritted teeth!)… Read more »
My alcoholic had a relapse about one year into sobriety and my membership in Al-Anon. All I could think of at the time was the three C’s. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. I did have choices and I chose to try to help my children understand that the alcoholic was not a bad person or wasn’t being wilful in their actions, that they suffered from a disease and the alcoholic continued to love them regardless of their alcoholic behaviour. I also set a boundary with the alcoholic in that I would drive… Read more »
When I first came to Al-Anon I remember saying if he (my son) relapsed I’ll die…and he relapsed and I’m still alive. By the time the relapse came I had some tools to deal with the relapse. A sponsor, the literature, my home group, Al-Anon friends I could call and of course an ever deepening relationship with my higher power. Avoiding isolation, sharing my pain with others, reaching out to newcomers to share my experience strength and hope are so important. And of course service, the more I focus on giving back to the fellowship is where I find the… Read more »
Last weekend I had reason to believe my recently sober son had relapsed. Disappointment quickly became fear! I was poised to put my head into the rabbit hole of obsessive thinking when I realised I was making an assumption based on suspicion not fact. My belief may have been correct but it may also have been incorrect and either way the only true fact was that it was none of my business! Step 11 came to mind and in connecting to my higher power my thinking was immediately altered. I could choose to give up my serenity or I could… Read more »
After surviving 33 years of living with qualifiers I now find myself feeling very concerned about my adult son with a different kind of addiction. I do not want to make the same mistakes. I know I am not responsible for anyones choices but my own but he blames me for anything he does not want to take responsibility for. My last meeting was in February 2020 and I have not stayed connected through the COVID pandemic. I feel like I need to revisit step 4. What tools and resources are you using while staying safe.
I was told from day 1 in Al-Anon that I was powerless over my loved ones disease of Alcoholism. I also learned that my alcoholic was also powerless over their desire to stop drinking. So with that understanding, alcoholics are not guaranteed they will never drink again. They are only sober One Day at A Time. That is why it is important that we do not get in the way of our family members recovery process. We keep the focus on our own recovery and apply our own recovery to ourselves only One Day at A Time. The Foundation of… Read more »
Reading the Al-Anon literature, repeating the Serenity Prayer, wrapping my loved one up in a soft blanket and handing him to my Higher Power, reminding myself I can’t, He can, and that I am choosing to let Him work things out in time, and detaching with love…these things all help me when my loved one relapses.
What helps me when my husband has relapsed, and in my case into what they call a “dry drunk”. Hmm! I have first felt stymied as it takes me a little time to realize, “oops, this is what is going on once again”. In real back to drinking episode[s] I would recognize instantly what was going on; however, a dry drunk is sneaky. The same isms are at play but I first had to realize what is going on. Just as when he drank we would have the one honeymoon day and then the next day would be the crankiest… Read more »
The Al-Anon tool that has always been my go-to during relapse behaviour is meetings. Fellowship and solidarity have carried me through some of the most confusing, darkest moments of this family disease. In particular, the concept of the month that we are studying for all of April in my home (zoom) group is Concept 4: Participation is the key to harmony. In general, meetings are my lighthouse in a stormy sea. And participation in those meetings is like the navigation equipment. Some days, the best participation I can offer of myself is to listen silently. But more often, it means… Read more »
When I have a relapse, which usually happens when my alcoholic relapses, I begin again working in earnest the first three steps. I can’t worry about that relapsing other individual; only myself. And so, I keep my side of street clean and empty of recrimination from me, as I tend to be my own worst enemy. I’m busy taking care of myself, too busy to get into the other’s head or program. I clean house, wash windows, clean the linen closet, sort through socks.
When someone I care about relapses, my first response is to remember to be grateful. An “Attitude of Gratitude” is what calms me down, it’s what calms the “crazies.” First of all, I am grateful that I am not God (my Higher Power). Secondly, sometimes, I not so gently, but metaphorically, drop kick the person I love into God’s lap. Thirdly, every time the pain, hurt, or disappointment try to rear their ugly heads, I begin to thank God for taking that person, or situation into His loving arms. That is peace. And I am grateful for that peace.
When I first saw this month’s topic, I didn’t think it applied to me. Then this morning I dialed in to a meeting and I heard someone share about her current situation of living with a “dry drunk”. I’ve been bothered by my husband’s recent trend to sleep long hours and seem preoccupied all the time. My mind was jumping to fearful worries about “where is this heading?” It hadn’t occurred to me that my real fear is he might be experiencing a dry drunk. The gift in hearing that woman’s share is she talked about detachment. She shared how… Read more »
When my qualifier has a relapse, which has happened many times, I try to keep a list of things I will do when this happens. At first, the tools available from Al-Anon appear to be not enough to release me from the worry, fear and obsession with the behavior of the Alcoholic I am living with. So I start with the basics – A phone call or text to my Sponsor to discuss how I feel. Each morning and each afternoon I reach for my conference approved literature like Courage To Change, and Hope for Today. I use these daily… Read more »
This one really resonated with me. Many years ago I was married to a man who had difficulty staying sober. He once stayed sober almost 4 years and then relapsed. When it happened I was devastated and sure somehow it was my fault. I’d been in Al-Anon probably 6 years. I called my then sponsor and she had me write a 4th step on the fact that I blamed myself for his relapse. I got to look at all the ways I still thought I was in control. In addition to that, I was able to see that I had… Read more »
Relapses, although, many years ago, are still very clear in my mind. I remember the feelings of despair, anger, disappointments, among others, that created chaos in my mind and spirit. I knew when my son’s father was not there at 5 o’c on Friday, that he was gone drinking for the week-end. The feelings mentioned above started to work themselves inside and, with time, came out in great nervousness and stress. My son was just few months old and trying to put him to sleep seemed impossible. I remember calling my sponsor, almost in a state of emotional wreck. She… Read more »