The term “adult children of alcoholics” confused me at first. It was only after I had been in Al‑Anon for nearly a year that I realized how the effects of alcoholism could extend beyond someone’s immediate relationship with an alcoholic. Although my parents did drink alcohol on occasion, I never considered them to be alcoholics. What I did learn was that, when my parents were children, their parents were alcoholics; therefore, my parents were adult children of alcoholics. The grandparents I knew were not drinkers, but their earlier drinking had affected my parents greatly, and those effects were passed along to me.
For instance, I had a need to try to take care of everybody and everything. I also had a superficial glibness that I used to deflect serious situations, as well as a tendency to shy away from expressions of love while expressing anger with ease. Furthermore, I learned to do everything myself because that was the only way to ensure things got done right, or so I thought. However, through Al‑Anon, I not only recognized these traits in my parents and myself; I understood where they came from and how to correct them. I will always be a work in progress, but I continue to get better.
By Timothy B., California
Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2020
I just felt this. I’m trying to figure out how to get started here. I’m realizing how much it has spilled over. Lack of trust, and picking people who I thought were structured, but were controlling. Avoiding speaking up, and for me, I still have trouble expressing anger, but my brother is the opposite. I left home at 18 for school, on the opposite coast. Then back east, then back to the middle of the desert to try and take care of the elderly. Just finding myself in this cycle of trying to take care of everyone. The past few… Read more »
Wow, I related to this so much. I’m the child of alcoholics and I have mannerisms and characteristics that match exactly what you described. It’s crazy how children of alcoholics can develop similarly.
My mom passed away from end-stage liver disease 5 years ago. My therapist said I suffer from “complicated grief” and urged me to get involved in Al-Anon to help resolve complex feelings that only survivors of addiction understand. I’m waiting to receive my first book (Opening Our Hearts…).
How do I find out more? My marriage is struggling, speaking with counselors and psychiatrists may have helped me figure out my withdrawing from my family could be because I am an adult child of alcoholics.
I want to know more, how do I get over this, how do I stop laying blame? How do I move forward?