I remember seeing sun beams through the trees and feeling a gentle breeze that was lapping small waves across the water. It was so peaceful. But as I sat on that porch looking at the scene before me, I could also hear my husband’s voice in crisis on the phone in my ear. He was supposed to be sitting on the porch with me. He was supposed to be sober. But he wasn’t.
He was calling to ask me to come get him and bring him to be with us. He wanted me to bring him to this peaceful place where our boys and extended family were gathered. Before coming to Al‑Anon, I would have done it. Out of fear and anger, I would have brought him to us. And, we would have all paid a heavy price for that. But this time was different.
I heard the pain and fear in his voice, and my heart hurt for him and for us. I heard my Sponsor’s voice in my mind and felt compassion rather than anger. I heard the words from the members in my home group about treating others with enough respect to not immediately spring to their rescue or prevent the crisis that was coming.
I heard my husband ask me to come get him, and for the first time, I heard myself saying, “No.” I realized the best thing I could do was to stay where I was and enjoy my time with family. I told him that I loved him and reminded him that he knew who he could reach out to for help and they could be there for him in ways I could not. That was the start of his longest time of sobriety in his adult life. I am grateful that I had nothing to do with it besides getting out of his way and letting him find and work his own program. “Don’t just do something, sit there.” I had heard it countless times in meetings and look what happened when I finally listened.
By Anonymous
The Forum, February 2021
Feel free to reprint this article on your website or in your newsletter, along with this credit line: Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
What would tell someone who just started dating a wonderful man (when he’s sober) but who drinks. My first instinct is to run because that’s what I do when there are red flags. But I would hate to miss out on the person he could become……
It sounds like this is always going to be a daily battle for him.
This post resonates with me so profoundly, that if I had tears left to cry, I’d be weeping. This daily struggle to weigh the balance of our family’s collective hurt, decide where to place energy, attention, and what to let go of with no looking back, is so real to me. I’m encouraged to hear a voice of peace, with the brave proposition of letting go with love and respect!
Such a good reminder to get out of the way! My first impulse is to “rescue” my loved one but I have come to understand that sometimes “help” is really “hurt” thanks to the program.
Wow I certainly needed to hear this!! Thank you.
New to all this. Guess the new normal has changed a lot of things… especially home life.
If your alcoholic had driven himself, this might have had a very different outcome. Thank you for this poignant message.
This share was a great blessing. Thank you
This reminds me of the slogan Live and let Live. It was my go-to tool of the programme as I was trying to detach with love. It wasn’t easy but it was simple enough to remember. I didn’t foresee the freedom this simple slogan would bring me as it slowly untangled me from the effects of someone else’s drinking. Thank you Al-Anon members. 😊
I love this. Just what I needed to hear.
Excellent and timely post for me! The juxtaposition of the tranquil setting with the telephone turmoil resonates, but so does the title of the post. I struggled with guilt over my efforts to self-preserve. One of the things that moved me when I came into the rooms was my recognition and learning about compassion from the shares of others. I had no clue how internally conflicted I was, or how much relief I would find through Al-Anon.
Thank you.