Learning to Live the Legacies

What follows is a series of introductory questions that we can answer about our relationships by applying Al‑Anon’s three Legacies—the Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions, and Twelve Concepts of Service. These “yes,” “no,” or “maybe” questions can “Keep It Simple,” so that if we are unfamiliar with the Legacies, we can acquire a preliminary understanding. As we become familiar with their use, we can avail ourselves of other resources for deeper study; books such as Al‑Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions (B‑8), Paths to Recovery (B‑24), and Reaching for Personal Freedom (P‑92) may be helpful. In time, we may find that the Steps have helped us to learn how to love ourselves, the Traditions have helped us learn how to love others, and the Concepts have helped us learn how to love the world.

How the Twelve Steps Apply to My Relationships

Here are some questions to ask myself about my relationships, suggested by the Twelve Steps of Al‑Anon.

STEP ONE

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

• Have I really accepted the fact that I cannot control another person’s drinking?
• Am I willing to carry this acceptance a step further and admit I am powerless over anyone but myself?
• Do I realize that alcoholics are individuals? That alcoholics have ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
• Can I realize that my trying to change anyone only brings resistance in the form of hostility or hidden resentment? If I do, can I justify my criticism and condemnation of alcoholics?
• Am I resentful when others refuse to be and do what I want?
• Can I learn how to stop trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?

I will remind myself that I am powerless over everyone, and that I can live no life but my own. Changing myself for the better is the only way I can find peace and serenity. I will remember that a change in my attitude can smooth out many of my difficulties.