In the past, feelings ruled my life. If anyone displayed an emotion, I quickly absorbed it as my own. Once triggered, I found it difficult to let go of anger and fear. Then, as if this were not enough, I piled my feelings on top of each other and muddled them together until I felt insane.
Working the Steps with a Sponsor has made a difference. She said something shocking—“Feelings are not real.” With this new perspective, I can observe other people’s emotions without them sucking me in. When I accept that feelings are not real, it is easier to say hello and goodbye to my feelings without clinging to them.
Once I started working the Steps with a Sponsor, I had fewer emotional meltdowns, fewer nightmares and fewer panic attacks. My recovery is a matter of working my program fearlessly. My focus has changed. I don’t want to feel better. I work to be better.
By Donna B., Bermuda
Everyone has their own opinions and that’s what’s great about being in the free world. Feelings are very real to the person feeling them…no they aren’t tangible, you can’t touch them, but if they weren’t real we wouldn’t be having them. I’ve just started in Al-Anon and I’m a bit confused by the fact that we have to have a theme…there isn’t the chance to just discuss how you’re feeling and what’s been happening that week…I need to let these feelings out so that I do have more power over them. I get the point of 12 steps, but I’m… Read more »
Feelings are whatever they are to each of us. The wisdom is in the recognition that if there are reactions or responses to feelings, there will be consequences. Therefore, the choice we make is worthy of forethought. ….. “How important is it?” or “Is it thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, kind?” or can I “keep it simple”? When I was younger and had more energy, everything was very important and needed to be managed right then. My career required that I think fast and be willing to act quickly. Despite my age I have learned to use my God box literally… Read more »
Feelings are real, and cannot be judged as wrong or right. Facts are real, and weigh more than feelings in that they can be proven right or wrong. If feelings control actions, more than facts, take heart in realizing those feelings can change or be changed. A fact can never change, even by a lie. People can lie about how they feel, but facts, like alcoholism is a disease, cannot be disproved. How a person feels about it being a disease can change. Feeling it is not true does not make it so. Dealing with an alcoholic means coming to… Read more »
This has to be my favorite part of the newcomers section. This is my first time here. But I need help. I’ve been married to my spouse for 7 years. And the behavior when he’s drinking is far fetched, to say the least. I know, I made my bed, now I must lay in it. I get so mad and angry with him, then more at myself for tolerating it. I’ve even given up on love. It’s just a farce. I’ve been in therapy, and he has as well. It’s started to hit us financially and once physically. But the… Read more »
I am the wife of an alcoholic who I love dearly. I am angry knowing that alcohol took my husband and my sanity …I take antidepressants to control the fears and negative emotions I feel when I know he drinks. I am new to Al-Anon and I am trying to understand the twelve steps. I have been thinking abut the words “feelings are not real” and want to incorporate them into my life so I can shelter from the pain alcohol brings into our home. I try to always to remind myself not to hate the alcoholic but the alcohol…hard… Read more »
I used to wish God would take away all my feelings as they were too painful. He didn’t. My feelings were real, as my heart would race – I would sweat- my stomach would hurt. But I have learned that my feelings I take on when around others or just quietly thinking are NOT truth. Not factual. So if they are not the truth, why do I accept them?? I don’t want them but I take them. Why? Is it a way to control or people please? Is it a way for others to control me? I read a reading… Read more »
I had spent 15 years in Al-Anon, faithfully attending meetings weekly, and sometimes when I needed it, even daily. I have wandered off the path over the last four years, and am now trying to find my way back. And so, today, in search of some guidance on how to deal with some awful feelings, I stumbled across this website. From my time in Al-Anon in the past, I remember the quote not as “Feelings aren’t real”, but instead as “Feelings aren’t Facts.” For me, this always means things like, just because I feel ashamed does not mean that I… Read more »
I have read that, “feelings are not facts.” As I see it, feelings are real and important because they give us valuable information about what’s going on inside ourselves. While the feelings are real, they are often based on something that isn’t real or true. The challenge for me is to feel and accept my negative emotions, without “freaking out” about them. When I am able to detach from feelings enough to examine them, I come to understand myself more deeply, and sometimes I discover that my feeling was based on an erroneous idea or belief.
As a person in recovery from alcoholism and new to Al-Anon I need both and I hope not to offend anyone in Al-Anon with anything I say due to the duality of my condition. I am simply seeking help to understand who I am and pray that I may be of service to someone else who is suffering. I struggle with being able to even identify with how I am feeling. I seem to have adapted some sort of survival mechanism that causes me to want to fast forward through any “feelings” I may experience. When I saw that post… Read more »
I, too, stumbled across this post – just a few minutes ago. Like a wise friend said, you always hear what you need to hear when you go to a meeting, or pick up your daily reader, or even, as evidenced today….stumble across a new website when you are feeling desperate and seeking comfort & guidance. Whether feelings are real or not is not the point I, personally, took from the original post. How I REACT to my feelings does cause a very real physical and mental affect. What struck me so hard in this post was “if anyone displayed… Read more »
I just stumbled across this and I’ll have to say, I love it. Feelings are not real! They may feel real and even devastating but real, NO. If my husband drinks again it will make me feel horrible and question what is wrong with me that he won’t stay sober even when he knows I will leave him, but the real is that he drinks because he is an alcoholic not because he doesn’t love me. My feelings are just that…feelings. If I feel sad, hurt or (most likely) angry that is how I am handling the real thing: the… Read more »
WOW, thanks for sharing. Earlier this evening I was googling…”what is a right response to some one that says “you make me feel”….” didn’t get an answer that was helpful…these are. Feelings, emotions are experienced, not necessarily true (the idea of not real). I can choose to stay in the emotion, to react to my feeling or what I perceive another is feeling. Or I can put our program to work and set my mind in a different direction. I can choose to let go and let God…to tell myself don’t take it personally, to breath and say the serenity… Read more »
I couldn’t agree more. Feelings are real indeed, otherwise we wouldn’t have been given them. Our responses and reactions are what we need to deal with. Although we cannot change people, nor can we change how others respond to us, we can change how we respond. Using the gift of self-awareness and discernment are useful tools that can be applied to how we channel and develop our emotions and feelings in life.
I am a newcomer to Al-Anon and I am trying to read and research everything I can to start learning and applying the 12 Steps to my own life. I came to this site today in hopes of a better understanding of Step 8 and I stumbled on the above comment with some surprise. First, I would like to say that if this sponsor’s words have helped then that’s all that matters and I support any idea or suggestion for someone if it is bringing them a more positive outcome for their lives. That being said, I personally disagree with… Read more »