I went to my first Al‑Anon meeting with no expectation of ever going to another one. A friend had said, “I find it helpful.” I figured I would give it one shot and then cross it off my list.
But much to my surprise, I found even that first meeting helpful, despite being uncertain about what some things meant. I was surprised that the people there laughed a lot. They weren’t somber and oppressed! And they said some really wise and honest things. I was intrigued; I wanted to learn more about how they had figured these things out.
At the time, I was furious with my alcoholic brother for berating me up one side and down the other in front of our parents several months earlier. I was deeply hurt that my parents listened to him in silence and did not contradict him or speak up for me. Had they completely forgotten that he was the bad kid, who had caused them heartache over and over through the years? I was the golden child. Why didn’t they defend me?
Before that first meeting, I understood intellectually that alcoholism is a disease. Nevertheless, I thought of it in moralistic and individualistic terms. Then I heard in Al‑Anon that alcoholism is a “family disease.” That was a good description for the destruction my brother’s alcoholism, and my mother’s response to it, had wrought on the structure and relationships in our family. But it took a while for a deeper understanding of the concept of “family disease” to develop within me.
You see, my parents didn’t drink. At all. There was no alcohol in our house when I was growing up, and my parents avoided parties where lots of drinking went on. My grandparents also didn’t drink.
But my mom would occasionally tell us kids the story she’d heard from her father about his grandfather. My great-great-grandfather had been “a drunk,” causing extreme embarrassment and distress to his wife and several daughters in the small rural town where they lived. According to the story, my own grandfather decided at a young age not to even try alcohol because he was afraid he might like it. My mother was very proud of her father. The moral of the story was: be strong and good, and don’t drink any alcohol at all.
In Al‑Anon, I gradually came to understand how the “family disease” concept related to my family: I grew up with a family disease of attitudes—toward alcohol and many other things. No wonder that despite ample evidence my brother drank a lot and it was a problem (DUIs, calls from jail in the middle of the night, financial struggles), denial overtook my parents.
My mother adored my brother as she had her father; he even had her father’s name. Her baby could not possibly be an alcoholic! Everything was someone else’s fault. She blamed my father, my brother’s friends, and who knows who else. My father was baffled and depressed. He had strong personal willpower and could always quietly maintain loyalty to his convictions. How could his son be so different from him, so weak and unprincipled?
Al‑Anon helped me analyze the roles of blaming and perfectionism, the primary diseased attitudes and expectations in my family of origin. I learned that feelings are not facts and that the only thing I can control is what I do with my feelings. Most importantly for me, Al‑Anon gave me tools for changing my attitudes, because, although they were deeply ingrained, they could in fact be changed.
Through working the Steps with a Sponsor and listening to the sharings in meetings, I gradually gained compassion for my brother, for he, too, grew up in a family disease of attitudes. And I got an Al‑Anon miracle: my brother and I bridged our estrangement and became friends. When I entered Al‑Anon, I couldn’t imagine saying “I love you,” to my brother. Now I can say it easily.
It has been 13 years since I went to my first Al‑Anon meeting. All this time later, I still find it immensely helpful. My practice and understanding continue to deepen and grow, and I’m so grateful for that friend’s gentle encouragement.
By Amy G.
The Forum, May 2024
Feel free to reprint this article on your service arm website or newsletter, along with this credit line: Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA, USA.