In meetings I remember this Tradition when I dominate the discussion. Sometimes I have a legitimate need to share what is going on in my life and I don’t want to stay on topic. Sometimes I may take 15 minutes of meeting time to talk. Now that I choose to use the Tradition One, I understand that meetings are not there to meet all of my needs. There are other tools of the program such as sponsors, calling someone to reason things out, and even these blogs that I could use instead of dominating the meeting discussion for what I need to talk about. It benefits me more and everyone else when I use Tradition one and stick to the meeting topic and use an appropriate amount of time to share during the meeting, then use the other tools to get the rest of my need to share met.

Outide of the meetings I use this Tradition to help me remember that there is a time and a place for everything. A good AFG friend of mine likes to remind me that it doesn’t do anybody any good for me to insist on buying bread at the hardware store. Today I use the tools of the AFG program to be aware of my needs and not burden anyone with excessive expectations. For example, today when I call a friend to chat, I first ask them if this is a good time for them to chat with me. If they are busy, I simply call someone else. It’s no coincidence that my friends are more likely answer the phone now when I call. Before Tradition One I used to get a lot of voicemail boxes!

At first glance I thought Traditions were a waste of time. I also thought that Tradition One was telling me to be a doormat and put my needs last. I’m so happy to belong to a homegroup that dedicates one meeting per month to a Tradition. I’m also blessed to have had a sponsor that insists on working all 3 of the Legacies and not just the Steps. As a result of the spiritual awakenings from Tradition One all of my relationships are healing and becoming healthier.

When I was having trouble in my marriage, my sponsor asked me how I was contributing to unity at home. I thought about how my actions affected our common welfare and began to change my behavior. I started with simple, small actions of kindness. This did not solve all our difficulties, but our home became more peaceful and we were able to work together instead of working against each other.

I attended some groups that did not honor Tradition One. Members were not working the Twelve Steps, and so had a difficult time putting the group’s welfare in front of personal desires. Both religion and politics were brought into the meetings; arguments ensued and membership dwindled.

Tradition One says, “Personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.” At my former home group it seemed that people interpreted unity to mean that everyone had to be happy. When one person did not want to honor Traditions, the group put that person’s desire in front of the welfare of the group so that she would not be unhappy. I don’t know if she was unhappy or not, but the group suffered.

A healthy Al-Anon meeting is a great joy, and an unhealthy one a grief. I learned a lot by attending both kinds of groups, but for me to make progress I need to be in a healthy group. I look for meetings that study and practice the Steps, Concepts & Traditions, that understand and use sponsorship and that are connected through service to the worldwide fellowship of Al-Anon. I can’t afford to be without group unity.

How can anonymity be a spiritual foundation? Well, Tradition Twelve speaks to me of using spiritual principles in the way I ACT, never mentioning what I call myself. Spirituality is an inside job, having to do with how I think and behave, not who I say I am. Merely not using my name cannot make me equal or humble or spiritual. This Tradition shows me it’s more productive to focus on what it truly means to understand that all of us actually ARE equal in the eyes of God, no matter what.

Specifically, this Tradition encourages me to figure out how to live a principled life in a million different ways, such as staying out of other people’s business, being kind and thoughtful, avoiding trying to be the Big Shot or insisting others follow my lead or taking credit or bragging or gossiping—wherever I am, whatever I am doing. Paying attention to principles allows me spiritual growth—directing my attention toward personalities does not.

I get to have an identity in Al-Anon. In fact, this program makes a huge effort to show me how to find myself. And then I get to be that person. I am free to adhere to spiritual principles that allow me to live a life of serenity and happiness, if that’s what I choose. Nobody forces me to do any of this—it’s just me and my higher power, heading toward improving me, one day at a time, because that’s the way it works.

I must always remember that Al-Anon as a fellowship is not anonymous and that the meeting place is not either. If this was so, how could potential members find this haven of peace and serenity and the wonderful gift of recovery, that I have been blessed to find myself?

I am blessed by the very fact that I have some freedom with my anonymity , therefore it is my responsibility to put the 11th Tradition into action in my life. I must give away what I have received so graciously: a safe place when one can recover, find love, support and understanding.

I have had many experiences that even by mentioning Al-Anon, most people automatically think I’m an alcoholic and in AA. Even if I explain the program to them, they can’t seem to wrap their mind around the fact that we are a separate entity. You can see them searching their mind for the familiar.

So if I try to get someone to come to the program, I could see that it was a silly thing to do. How could they understand what’s being thrown at them. That’s why I think we read all that we do in the beginning of the meeting. Eventually, it will sink in. Hopefully. Maybe it’s because we’re a little thick headed. I’m just saying.

I like what we started using a few years ago in Al-Anon; Al-Anon is Anonymous, not invisible. At some point we begin to grasp why Public Outreach is so important. We put Al-Anon into the places where it can be seen. We educate people what is Al-Anon and what isn’t. I love that concept.

I hear political figures mentioned, religion, professions, words, and members seem to have to say they are in AA.

What’s the harm? Some of it is exclusive to members. Some of it suggests that we are not equal as members. Some of it makes Al-Anon members feel unsafe. Some of it could potentially break a group apart. All of it dilutes our program.

Why are there Traditions and Principles? I can best relate that to: Why is there structure in our daily lives?

I have lots of free time in my life, which is a blessing and a curse. Experience has taught me to keep to a schedule without becoming too rigid. If I try to take on too much in a day, week, or month, I can get off balance and do no good to myself or others. I become depleted and it’s not a pretty sight. If I just do whatever I want, I lose my way and become overwhelmed.

Some of my daily structure comes from what I learned from other people who had similar experiences that I chose to implement in my own life. Not everything worked for me, but at least I trusted enough to try something based on someone’s experience, who had gone before me.

That’s all Al-Anon is asking of us. Trust that our traditions/priciples of keeping outside issues out of our meeting is based on the experience of those who have gone before us. Taking a meeting to a place that is not Al-Anon has the same affect as if you personally tried to be all things to all people.

Trying to save everyone, into too many things at one time, or having no structure based in reality, is what got me to Al-Anon. How about you?

Recently I listened to a member describe herself as “old school Al-Anon” and another describe herself as “modern Al-Anon” while they debated the best way to greet new people at their home group meetings. Each person was convinced they were right, and each expected that the rest of the group would choose sides. This Tradition reminds us that there are no “classes” of recovery. There are no special rights for new people nor is there senority preference given to long time members. There is no such thing as going on strike, campaigning, or any of the manipulative methods a formal organization would use to jockey for control or perhaps to force solutions.

This Tradition helps us keep the focus on recovery and unity. We evolve and thrive as a group. Outside of the meetings I remember that race, politics, relgion, profession, education and wealth are only devisive if I permit it. As a result, I lead a more inclusive life and never feel like I don’t belong.

Tradition 9 gives me flexibility. I do not have to live in rigidity and inflexibility. I have liberty and freedom. I do not have to live in the extremes. Yet at the same time, Tradition 9 informs me that I may create service boards or committees. In other words I can ask for help when I realize I can’t accomplish a task on my own. It’s ok to ask for help.

When I ask for help I remind myself that people are helping me. I don’t have to boss them around. When others agree to help me, they can choose not to participate when I become too bossy. When I become too rigid and too organized, I become too inflexible. It is no longer about needing help. It has become about controlling others and bossing them around.

Tradition 9 helps me keep things in balance. When I am unable to accomplish a task, I can ask for help. Others can willingly help me with the task and when the task is complete, they are free to return to what they had been doing. The purpose was not about creating service boards or committees. The purpose was to accomplish a task.

Part of what I initially found attractive about Al-Anon turned out to be a healthy understanding of the meaning of anonymity. I know to keep others’ confidences. I won’t say who was at a meeting or repeat what she said. I’m not going to talk about other members of Al-Anon or of A.A. I won’t blow their anonymity.

But I have no problem talking about me and the Al-Anon program. And except for when this is at the media level, I give my full name and feel free to say anything about my story that I care to. I know that each of us chooses our own degree of anonymity—my choice is to be the same me, in or out of Al-Anon

In fact, I was attracted to Al-Anon largely because it is open and aboveboard—a program careful not to insist on so much anonymity that people can’t get a true picture of the family disease of alcoholism. We respect each others’ anonymity, of course, but we all know each other as we would know each other anywhere. Nobody could mistake this for a secret society. I learned that there need be no shame or embarrassment connected to this disease, and I realize that everyone in a family can discover how to tackle their role in dealing with alcoholism, just as we do with any other disease. Al-Anon gave me this gift. Now it’s my responsibility to pass on that message. My behavior tells the tale.

At the same time, I don’t want to go around causing controversy. And certainly, I don’t want to find myself jumping into other people’s problems. Al-Anon shows me how simple this can be—I just don’t go there. Step One to the rescue. The best way for me to handle others’ controversial matters is to stay out of them. Cousin Sue and her daughter are having a rift? None of my business. Members at a meeting bring up an outside issue? A bit of gossip? I’m not talking about it. I’ve learned when not to express an opinion. Sometimes keeping my mouth shut can be a huge asset.

Our fellowship is volunteer driven. Our traditions ensure us that no WSO office or staff relates to other Al-Anon members unless they, themselves, are also an Al-Anon member. That means when professionals are hired those professionals answer to WSO office and staff who are Al-Anon members and those professionals do not have contact with Al-Anon members themselves.

Tradition 8 guides me in my own personal decisions when it goes on to say we can hire special workers. There are things I do not have the ability or time to do. Tradition 8 gives me permission to hire someone to do those things I am not able to do or that I do not have time to do. That gives me the freedom to focus my attention on other things I do well.

I think there is a difference between the professional help of a counselor that is based on professional knowledge and the help that comes from the experience, strength and hope of another Al-Anon member. The Al-Anon member is speaking from the heart. When I am working through a problem that stems from interaction with an alcoholic, it helps me to talk with someone who has experiences that are similar to mine. They can relate to my confusion and pain because they have been there, not just studied the problem. They can listen and share what has helped them. I gain hope from their experiences because they are walking through the problems caused by living with alcoholism and still maintain serenity. I can help others who come to Al-Anon because of a relationship with an alcoholic by sharing my experience, strength and hope from my heart because I have experienced similar problems, confusion and pain. I can share why and how I now can live in serenity; and why I now have hope rather than despair.

I also think there are times when professional help is needed. Physical illnesses, severe depression, domestic violence and many other problems may best be addressed by obtaining professional help rather than through denial or waiting and hoping that the problem will go away.

Social classes and university diplomas definitely lose their importance when we come through the doors of Al-Anon. The rich and the professionals among us must leave our «unbelievable wisdom» outside the doors of our meetings. What really counts are the reasons that brought us to Al-Anon, the importance to transmit our message of hope and our responsibility to serve our fellowship.

I must face my truth and admit that I was not such a master at running my life, despite my social status and my university diploma. If I look at it realistically I had badly failed where the real values counted: my life with the ones that were dear to me. Today, I know that I must let go of my «so call knowledge» when I am in relationship with them. I must remember that the first goals in those relationships are: love, trust, communication, etc. However, if I face major problems, that need solutions and for which I am not qualified, I should resort to professional help. The principles of Al-Anon, answering so well to my daily needs, must stay my inspiration and my guide if I wish to have a balanced and fulfilling life.

I find a lot of wisdom in that Tradition that reminds me to never compromise the principles of Al-Anon for the sole satisfaction of my «ego». I must always remember that the many years in the program don’t give me any expertise in the field of recovery in Al-Anon, neither do my social status and my profession. I must constantly keep in mind that simplicity and humility are my best options and that Tradition 8 helps me to determine what is right.

Sometimes, though, I can have everythin roiling around in my head like it’s going to explode and it just doesn’t leave my mouth. I feel like I’ve escaped a big one, if you know what I mean.

The stucture is not the responsibility of one compartment. All of the compartments in my head have to work in cooperation with one another. They have a primary spiritual aim. They have my best interests at heart.

However, like every organization, there has to be reason. Reason keeps the chaos from taking over. Reasonable reason. It’s an ugly scene if fear and tasks sit down together. Then we just don’t get anything done and sit and worry about not getting it done. Or if anger gets a hold of something. Whoa buddy.

If organization is rigid, things die, so it can’t be rigid either. We had rigid and it cracked us up (get it? Rigid thinking cracked us up?). Rigid, or organizing in the extreme, can be just as bad as not getting anything done. Then we never want to do the task again because it was done so perfectly, we drove ourselves crazy. So, it becomes a negative experience.

Sometimes anger needs to mix with thoughts. Sometimes fear needs to mix with movement. It’s not so set in stone that all common sense is lost.

The steps, prayer and meditation, teach balance. All the compartments are the same person; but they are reminded to mind their own business when things start to get out of hand. There has to be reason. There has to be common sense.

The same in Al-Anon. We adhere to the same principles and Traditions. We pass the message on to others and we have the same primary spiritual goal. We aren’t organized. We have committees and service boards who answer to Al-Anon as a whole. For the greatest number depends on unity.

But through working this Tradition, first in my Home Group, then at the District Level, I began to feel that I might also practice this at home.

It did not mean that I had to go out and get a job or create separate checking accounts. And it did not mean that I had to pay for every morsel of my own food, or whatever portion of the air conditioning I enjoyed.

Instead, Tradition 7 showed me that I am part of a group – something larger than myself – and since I belonged to that group I could contribute to our self-support. In other words, I also had a contribution to make, and since it was necessary for us to be fully self-supporting, I needed to contribute those talents.

This Tradition became a gateway for me to understand how to value myself. It was not about squeezing yet another dollar from me. By valuing myself, I could fully contribute. As others learned and worked this same principle our Group, our District and ultimately my family, became fully self-supporting.

We all contribute our time, our talents and our treasure to the larger group. Making the spiritual connection to the monetary part of Tradition 7 brought me into full participation in ways I had not anticipated. Some weeks my monetary contribution is more than a few dollars, perhaps I am flush that week, or perhaps I just feel some inner urging to put in a $5 or a $10. I know that no one is taking advantage of me, and that my Higher Power is using those resources to help others who need it.

When I came into Al-Anon I was impoverished on many levels – especially spiritually. Now I live in a world of abundance. Especially spiritually.

So it is that the Eighth Tradition makes sense. Al-Anon’s 12th Step work is most effective when those of us with experience offer it to others. We have an authenticity which no amount of book learning can provide. At the same time, we can’t be all things all the time. Few, if any, volunteers could do all the work of running a world-wide fellowship on a daily basis. Through the other Traditions and Concepts I’ve learned to trust that delegating authority and responsibility works well in this fellowship. I’ve realized the importance of continuity in legal and administrative matters needing the attention of professionals.

Tradition Eight helps me understand where I can be the most useful and helps me to understand the responsibility I have as a member of Al-Anon: by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.

Growing up in a home affected by alcoholism I developed a confused mind with distorted attitudes. I had no spiritual core upon which to rely to make my decisions. Emotionally I was crippled, as I had no healthy adult to turn to for emotional support or guidance. Consequently I could not be a self-supporting woman.

Al-Anon guided me One Day at a Time in giving me the tools I needed to grow up. Sponsorship taught me intimacy. My sponsor listened to me, guided me and demonstrated by her own experience strength and hope how to self support emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. I learned how to support myself in balance with loving detachment so as to maintain relationships with the people in my life. I was encouraged to take risks emotionally and creatively to see who I was capable of being. I attended conferences to hear stories of how members climbed the steps to regain a life of dignity and self esteem. I wanted what they had. I discovered in time that I could support myself emotionally which meant I knew what I was feeling and if I needed support I could ask for it. Spiritually I developed a relationship with a God of my understanding that I trusted to guide me. In time my mind cleared and I could think more sanely. I developed creative gifts that had long been repressed. Physically I improved as I learned to take better care of my body.

Today I can happily say I am a self-supporting woman.

In my personal life, I have financial needs and responsibilities. I have to manage them with balance if I wish to give myself an appreciable quality of life. In the process, I must develop the necessary discernment to make appropriate choices. The autonomy acquired in managing everything well gives me a tremendous freedom. I must also remember that I live in a society that offers me goods and services in abundance. Therefore, I must act consequently and be responsible and give back some of what I have graciously received.

I also have responsibilities towards the Al-Anon fellowship. I learned in Al-Anon to use the tools allowing us to make adequate choices in my life. These same choices must apply to my group. I must make sure that the health and finances of the group are judiciously managed. Thanks to my conscientious financial participation and my involvement in service I help giving my group the autonomy and the dignity it deserves. I must also remember the various levels of service that allow us to exist as a group and grow as members. Consequently, I must make sure that in our group we express our gratitude and respect in participating financially at all those levels of service and in continuing involving ourselves in the life of our group.

Thanks to Al-Anon, we are receiving in abundance in all aspects of our lives Therefore we must give back in abundance for all we have received and we can do it through the 7th Tradition. Abundance received is abundance due!

I was not only dishonest with others, I was dishonest with myself. My personal relationships were shallow. Intimate relationships were not possible. On one hand I wanted and needed intimacy, where I could be real. I could share what I thought and felt with others. On the other hand I feared sharing my true self with others, because I believed if I did, I would be rejected and abandoned by others.

Coming to Al-Anon equipped me so I could be self supporting. I put the focus on myself. I looked internally at my wants and needs. I found some of those wants and needs conflicting with each other. How could I avoid conflict with others when I had not even resolved my own internal conflicts? How could I tell others what I wanted when I was internally conflicted? Al-Anon helped me to resolve those conflicts. I learned to accept myself. It was all part of my healing journey toward being fully self supporting.

It also reminds me that my attempts to “help” (another word for enable) others who can and should help themselves, robs them of the same dignity and self-respect I have achieved through my own financial struggles to be self-sufficient.

I was recently reminded of this in dealing with my adult daughter. She struggled for many years to get a college degree, and made many poor choices along the way. Now, she is in a Masters Program in another city hundreds of miles away. She can’t work full time & do the Masters program & needs another place to live that she can afford. My sister volunteered to let her move in with her and her son. Another friend said she could move in as well. My daughter doesn’t like either option. She wants to live by herself in an apartment, but can’t afford to do so. That is her first choice.

Since I am moving back to the area, her second choice would be to move in with me and my husband. We are moving into a very small condo – and even though it is has 2 bedrooms, there isn’t enough room for all three of us plus her two cats for the next year. It would place a huge burden on my marriage – has already caused stressful discussions. I have been feeling anxious and guilty for not being able to help her, and resentful because she hasn’t done more to help herself. She had the opportunity to apply for housing months ago – and waited till just recently to do so. She had the opportunity to work more hours and earn more money to get herself in a little better financial position, and chose not to do so.

I have decided, after much prayer and discussion with my husband and sponsor that I don’t have to put a roof over her 30-year old head because she doesn’t like the other two options she has. I am tryiing to take care of myself – something I have worked hard to learn to do in Al-Anon, and she needs to learn to take care of herself as well. So very hard to do emotionally and physically…

I have all the professional people you can possibly want come to my house. My husband is of the school of thought ‘it done be broke’, and I call someone to fix the problem. I do not have an ego that I have to know how to do everything.

There is only one thing wrong with this process and that’s one of my defects: what if I choose the wrong material or person to do the job. Then the word ‘stupid’ looms over my head like a ton of bricks. So, I agonize at the material shopping place as to what to buy. I agonize with the other people there going through the same process. We bond. So, is that so bad? I don’t think so.

And! Out of all the times I’ve had folks work at my house, only one time was I not happy. So, all that time I agonized and beat myself up was wasted. I guess I do it just in case.

I’ve learned tons from this process. One thing is that I need people. All sorts. I don’t have to like or love all of them. They don’t have to like or love me. I appreciate that they know their jobs and I am grateful I can compensate them for their services.

One other wonderful side from this process, is it helps me not to become frozen because I feel overwhelmed or depressed or whatever. I set up the appointment, I know it’s coming, and I either ready or not. It keeps me going. Keeps the energy flowing.

I feel the same way about my program. I work hard at the steps, traditions, and concepts. But! If I ever get to a point that I need outside help, I’m am so going to get outside help. I remember a time when I didn’t have two nickles to rub together, yet somehow I sought and got the help I needed.

Tradition Eight is one of our Traditions for a reason. Because of people like me who grew up thinking I should know all the answers, be able to handle everything, and always be doing something. Or I was lazy, stupid, or feeling sorry for myself. Today I know I have value and I think I know what my gifts are. So far. There’s no telling where HP will take me from here.

As a member of my family, I can participate in clarifying our family’s primary purpose and keep my focus on that. As an individual in my family, I can avoid lending our name or promising family support to an outside entity without confirming that other family members want to provide that support. Financially, I can put my family’s needs first; and as a family we can sit down together and clarily our needs and wants and talk about what outside causes we want to support.

Tradition Six tells me that I need to develop clarity of purpose and focus on what is important to my family and me. There are many worthwhile entities asking for help and financial support but it is important to my well being and that of my family, that the decisions I make to provide support to outside entities be based on my (our) primary spiritual aim rather than a desire to please.

When the decision was made to purchase a building for WSO I immediately thought of Tradition 6 and how it seemed an outside enterprise with money, property and prestige all part of the purchase. To be honest I still feel this way but I also know I have been wrong before and perhaps my perception is only one way of looking at this. I think more than anything I have learned through working the Steps and Traditions in my life I have become more open minded and willing to listen to others. If the WSO building is something the Higher Power doesn’t want then it won’t last. My thinking today is that everything is in His hands. It is a much more serene life today, even though if someone tries to bring in outside literature or talk about outside programs etc I will not just sit quietly at a meeting. I know I have to do the footwork in my small corner of the world to keep Al-Anon always Al-Anon.

Al-Anon has taught me to be self supporting. I should not entangle myself with others outside my immediate family. I entangle myself with others when I borrow from them. I entangle myself with them when I allow them to pay my expenses. And I entangle myself with others when I endorse them or they endorse me. When I accept financial help from others, I give them the right to tell me how to handle my money, because it is in their financial interest to do so. They can critique how I am spending my money even when I haven’t asked for their advice. As a child that’s fine. Parents should teach their children about money, but as an adult, I want to stand on my own. I don’t want others advice unless I ask for it?

What had I done? All those years of believing I had to be in charge, taking over our lives without a thought of how enormously capable he actually is. He stepped up to the challenge on his own, responsibly, and without a word of advice from me. I learned a lot that day.

One thing I learned is that when we two viewed each other as equals, we became much closer, talked with each other more, became better friends. We grew a lot spiritually. Hadn’t I heard this is how it works? Did Al-Anon principles spill over into my home life?

I know a lot now that I didn’t know in the beginning. I don’t need to be surrounded by rigid organization in order to feel safe. No matter where I am, if I do my part and allow others to do theirs, everything will work out. The world will keep turning on its axis without my being responsible for everything on earth. There’s a great deal of freedom in that. I can take a deep breath and relax. That’s called serenity.

“Help” is an important word, too. At first I didn’t realize what help was. Too often I found myself wanting to enable, wanting to do for others what they could and should do for themselves. My butting in to other people’s lives could only make things worse. This takes away their chance for self-esteem, their opportunity to leave fear behind and bravely move ahead to put their lives together their way. I try to guide, to lead by example. I learned never to give advice. Essentially, this means putting the principles of the First Step to work in my life.

This is what I love about Twelfth Step work: I benefit, too. I get to grow spiritually each time I reach out to offer the hand of hope and serenity to anyone else, no matter who or where that is. I’m not a professional—but neither is anyone else when we work together in the spirit of this program. I’ve sponsored a doctor, a minister, a counselor—but here, we are all simply members of Al-Anon.

The only Steps I had mastered were the First and Twelfth: I admitted I was powerless by coming to meetings and I spread the message when I told you you ought to go, because I had really found the answer. I had no recovery to give away, but I was certain I could rope you into joining me in the rooms. I welcomed you!

Comfort was something I didn’t seem to be able to provide. Even in the haze of my confusion, I saw you turn away from me in disgust and anger.

Tradition Five obviously didn’t work.

I learned, little by slow, that the Traditions came after the Steps for a reason. For me, the Steps were anti-suicide, and the Traditions were anti-homicide. I had to learn to take care of myself by taking the steps of AA myself, before I could help anyone else. I have to have it before I can give it away.

Today, with the Steps in my head and heart, one of my greatest joys is standing with a newcomer after a meeting. I often simply ask “What brings you here?” and they tell me, sometimes with tears of relief. I find that I hear my story, and I relive the pain I felt when I walked into AL-Anon with all the answers. My gratitude for this program grows and grows, and as the lights come on in those newcomer’s eyes, they are re-lit in mine.

We start doing this by helping ourselves – practicing the 12 steps in our own lives. When I am truly working on my own recovery from this family disease by working the 12 steps, I no longer have the time, the energy nor the desire to fix the alcoholic, or anyone else.

As I continue to work my program, my understanding of the disease of alcoholism grows. My attitude of condescension is replaced with compassion and I discover the ability to offer encouragement and understanding to the alcoholic — without hidden motives.

I am now mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy enough to welcome and comfort other family members of alcoholics. I open my heart to them as greet them with a smile, listen with an open mind, and above all else, refrain from the desire to give them advice and suggestions. I relax in the knowledge that they have come to the right place, trusting that the Higher Power that led them here, will give them what they need as they learn to work this program for themselves as well.

I start off enthusiastically giving (more than my share of) time, energy, and affection. I have an expectation (a pre-meditated resentment) that my romantic partner will, eventually, express the same levels of time, energy, and affection toward me. If I continue to give too much, my Higher Power lets me know (through emotional pain) that I am doing the same thing and expecting a different result (i.e., being insane).

Al-Anon reminds me that if I won’t “drop the ball,” I don’t allow someone else the opportunity to “pick it up.” Al-Anon and the Seventh Tradition remind me to keep the focus on me, and to do my part (and not everyone else’s parts).

I’m reminded to keep the focus on me in every part of my recovery. There have been many times in my life when I’ve wished someone else would just step in and take over for me. Life was too hard, I thought. I simply wanted someone else to straighten everything out and then hand it back to me, all neat and nicely put back together again.

Afterward, of course, it occurs to me that working my way through the tough times is what has allowed me to grow spiritually. I HAVE become stronger from taking on what is mine to do and not expecting others to bail me out or do for me what I should be doing for myself.

Dealing with my own responsibilities is a necessary part of growing up that’s taken me a long time to claim as my own. I think I get it now, and difficult as it is, to WANT to do the hard stuff, I know I feel much better about myself each time I do what I know I should, never asking or expecting or even allowing someone else to jump in and do it for me.

My distorted thinking told me that encouraging my alcoholic relatives meant bailing them out of jail, lying to their boss about why they were not at work, and getting them more alcohol when their supply ran low. The Al-Anon meetings and literature taught me that I was enabling the alcoholic not encouraging the alcoholic. Encouraging the alcoholic meant I should not do for the alcoholic what they could and should do for themselves. It meant letting them live with the consequences of their own choices.

It’s been many years since I first joined Al-Anon, and now I welcome and give comfort to families of alcoholics rather than enable them. My life has serenity and sanity even when I encounter the family disease of alcoholism. That’s because I learned to live and let live rather than become entangled with the unmanageability created by the alcoholics I encounter in my life—all thanks to what I learned in Al-Anon.

It took being driven to the brink of despair and my sponsor asking me if I had what I needed for today? And if so, why was I complaining? Had I eaten? Did I have a roof over my head? And mind you, just for that one day. Tomorrow wasn’t there yet and I wasn’t to think on it. No, no, no, no!

The truth was, I had to have everything taken away before I got the concept of a Higher Power where money was concerned. It’s so nice when Higher Power wants you so badly. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

However, I did learn to trust HP where money was concerned. In Al-Anon, worry is an option. Gently, we learn from each other about our concerns and we become more able to keep our focus where it belongs by retraining our thought processes. There’s hope in this concept. And hope is what we all need so badly.

Today though, as I look across to see how Step Five and Concept Five might inform Tradition Five, I find that being heard and hearing – really listening to – others is common to them both: In Step Five, I am invited to share my Fourth Step inventory with my higher power, with myself and with another person. And Concept Five is about the importance of hearing those who have opinions other than my own.

This makes me think that perhaps – just maybe – the best way to encourage and to understand is to listen – simply listen – with open mind and, ideally, an open heart. I’m still working on that last part and trust that my higher power will be there to help me along the way.

Thanks for this opportunity to share.

Once one member went on the warpath, I didn’t say a word, but the GR just asked that we try to be supportive of one another and work for unity and harmony. That made her the target, and she was attacked.

The meeting is an old one; however, it is dominated by the members who attacked us. I attempted to share with the meeting about Traditions, and it was the Tradition Four meeting that the domineering members called on to justify their unwillingness to even discuss different ideas. I don’t know why I even bothered, but I think it has improved my understanding of the Twelve Traditions just to read about them in preparation for meetings.

The most serious dependency I had was emotional. I didn’t know how I could function without a partner. It took me many years to develop a strong enough sense of self and firm enough boundaries to avoid leaning on others and allowing them to lean on me in inappropriate ways. It took a few more years to understand how to keep those boundaries intact and still stay emotionally connected and compassionate. My relationships with my partner, my children, and my friends have become so much more satisfying as I have grown in this area. I no longer live in fear that someone will leave me or that someone will withdraw approval from me.

I have also learned through contemplating this tradition the importance of letting others support themselves. I loved to rescue people even (especially) when they didn’t want to be rescued. Through Al Anon, I have come to understand how important it is to respect others right to decline my contributions, and how to allow them, even when it nearly kills me , to find their own way.

Tradition 4 does not allow our group to replace the 12 Steps with the 10 principles. That would affect other groups, Al-Anon, and AA as a whole. Those seeking Al-Anon expect certain things from any Al-Anon group they attend. The most basic expectations include the group using the 12 Steps, the 12 Traditions, and the 12 Concepts.

Tradition 4 allows change. This meets the needs of the group’s members. Most of the groups I attend have regular group conscience meetings, and they discuss and vote on issues affecting the group. Without Tradition 4, that flexibility would not be available to the group.

Oh how we love to help! Oh how wise we all become!Oh how easy it is to share all our wisdom and not focus on ourselves! After all those newcomers need us!

Being a terrific helper took me on a path of sickness until I had nowhere else to go. I would have never caught on if a group I attended didn’t do a group inventory and a member brought it to our attention. Yea Group Inventories!

Now I attend a meeting where we welcome the newcomer and still have a balanced meeting for everyone. Rarely does someone direct their sharing to one person and it’s usually by someone who isn’t a regular attendee.

Part of Tradition 5 states we work the steps ourselves. The best way I do that is with my sponsor. One of the first things I learned was to keep an open mind and let go of my rigid ways. One day at a time. And where my focus belongs. It makes good sense to apply that to those seeking help from the affects of someone else’s alcoholism. I listen without judgement and give people the dignity to find their own answers.

The key word in this tradition is except. I have attended meetings when traveling, and have been pleased when, although a few things have been different, most of the meetings were in a format that was best for Al-Anon as a whole.
However, when members stray from the principles of the program, print their own literature, become directive to members and do anything else that would be detrimental to our programs, it is up to me to speak up. I can refer to the service manual and the principles of the program.
If a group is planning an anniversary it is important to first check that no other functions are taking place, and have a meeting to plan the event which includes all of the members. It is not a decision for a few to make.
Before the program and early on, I did not care if I said or did things that negatively affected the family. Sometimes I would say where I was going, or what I had planned to do, but there was usually not any discussion or knowledge based decision making. This added to the chaos in our home.
Now I think about balance in my life. Decisions are made after discussion, information gathering, and thinking about how it will affect the family as a whole. What a change, and what a gift of this program.

Today, I am a little bit better at comforting myself as I practice being human. I am thankful that I have a healthy Al-Anon Family Group, one that follows the Traditions; one that welcomed me as a newcomer and continues to welcome me today.

Through working the Steps, Traditions and Concepts – by embracing this program, I found my people. I know I belong here – and even though I don’t like everyone, I do love them all in a very special way. Because I was loved in a very special way when I first came here.

And it is by working on our common problem that we can coexist with people we would not otherwise associate with. By shedding all our outside issues, other memberships and affiliations – we become stronger in our own recovery, and we can help others through theirs. For me, Tradition 3 is all about principles and not about personalities.

But as I read more, it became clear to me how easy it would be to get Al-Anon tangled up with outside entities by such an innocent act as, say, making a donation to a worthy cause that appears to others to be an endorsement. In a more complicated and personal way, I realized how I might feel beholden to others who do things for me—like maybe I should vote for someone who invites me to her party or perhaps back her in a dispute. There can be unintended consequences to the most seemingly harmless behaviors. I thought I understood.

Then I got to the part about cooperating with A.A. I knew A.A. is separate from Al-Anon—that A.A. is, in fact, an outside entity. I had been warned about not merging or combining or joining or affiliating or uniting with A.A. in any way that might cause the loss of identity of either organization. And cooperating sounded so similar to these. What was the difference?

Often A.A. asks for an Al-Anon speaker at one of their events, and Al-Anon asks the same of A.A. at one of ours. A.A. has invited Al-Anon to have a literature “store” at the same round-up facility where they had one. How was this cooperating rather than merging or affiliating? Then it hit me—cooperating is more like doing the same thing SEPARATELY. I get it now.

The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
I searched for help everywhere before entering Al-Anon—even in magazine articles. If only this would work, I thought.
In our program there is only one requirement for membership—a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. It is up to us to determine if we belong.
Having had the experience of hearing outside issues discussed during a meeting, I always wonder if a newcomer is getting confused. It is important for me to hear recovery in the meetings I go to not anything that would divert us from our primary purpose….to help families and friends of alcoholics.
Many groups in our area read the card at the beginning of the meeting which states in part-Al-Anon spoken here, let’s keep other affiliations outside—our professions, outside publications, religion, counseling, other 12 Step programs. It is a good way to keep Al-Anon Al-Anon.
In my personal life, before program, I was easily diverted and not focused. I also was fearful of belonging to any kind of group—what if I didn’t qualify?
Today it is also my responsibility to make sure my sharing is on our program so that our message of hope is there for all who need it.

They say knowledge is power. Sometimes I would love to claim ignorance and simply sit in an Al-Anon meeting and NOT NOTICE the Traditions and Principles being abused. There are some things I don’t speak up for, because I would ALWAYS be cutting in and saying something. I know it’s sad, but, I don’t want to be the police.

At one point I chose to always speak up for a couple of things. The other stuff I handle a different way. I choose to educate either a group of people in a workshop or one on one, like a sponsee.

I heard something at our Area World Service Committee Meeting this last weekend that is simple and brilliant! If it isn’t in the index (of our Conference Approved Literature), it isn’t Al-Anon! Yehaw!

I was an adult child of an alcoholic. Because I wasn’t living in active alcoholism, I did not realize Al-Anon was for me. Fortunately a friend, who knew about an Adult Children’s Al-Anon meeting, suggested I attend with them. As people shared their experience, strength, and hope during the meeting, I knew Al-Anon was for me. Immediately I felt the acceptance of those within the group.

The more meetings I attended; the more I learned. When I began studying the Steps and the Traditions, I heard the words; “The only requirement for membership is there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or a friend.” Right there in Tradition 3 was the reason I belonged. I did not have to be living in active alcoholism. I belonged because I had lived with a relative who had a problem of alcoholism.

In meetings that followed I learned how I had been affected by the disease. The more I learned the more I knew the meetings were for me. AA meetings were for the alcoholic. Al-Anon was for me.