The dilemma of the alcoholic engagement

Tonight I sit at my computer, mascara and tears streaming down my face. My fiancé is an active alcoholic. I’ve known that for almost as long as we’ve been together. I didn’t understand or label it in the first few years.

At that time, I became obsessed with my boyfriend’s problem. My mission was to get him sober before I married him, and I honestly believed I could do it. This crazy path only created resentments and disconnection between us. It led to my own frustration, despair, loneliness, and deep depression. I came crawling to Al-Anon.

I have been in steady recovery for two years now. I am much saner, healthier, and happier than I used to be. The more I focus my energies on taking care of myself, the more my boyfriend does the same for himself, and the more we are able to enjoy and appreciate each other, even though he is still an active “problem drinker.”

Over the last two years, I consistently questioned whether or not I should remain in the relationship. I even threatened to move out. However, the gut feeling that I always seemed to receive from my Higher Power was to stay. While his drinking and marijuana use has affected our relationship significantly, there is always a part of me that feels we are meant to spend our lives together—that our Higher Power has put us together for a reason. Perhaps the reason was for me to find a path to recovery.

After a year of reminding my boyfriend that I was unsure about our relationship, I told him that I was done questioning. I was ready for him to propose. A few short weeks later he did, and I felt confident about our decision. I accepted the engagement with excitement, and have been enjoying the blissful weeks since: the attention and excitement from our close friends and family; the fun of telling everyone at work, the gym, even the grocery store; and experiencing a rejuvenated, young, and giddy love. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted, and I can finally plan for my future. I have a clear path before me that feels good and exciting in so many ways.

My heart felt heavy again tonight, and I was drawn to reading my December 2007 issue of The Forum. The first article hit me hard (“Young woman still hopes for love while working on personal growth”). When I read the words, “At some level I continue to grieve that I do not have a partner who can be supportive of me and participate in life the way I would like him to…” I began to sob because this is still so true of my world. Although my alcoholic has “managed” to keep his drinking under some kind of “control,” he still does not participate in life the way I would like him to. This is a tremendously hard thing for him to understand, especially when he has made so many changes to provide more care and attention to our relationship and me.

However, this is where I fall short in my thinking. Al-Anon teaches me that I cannot work on making him understand. I need to accept that this is something I will never have the power to change. I have chosen to make him my life-long partner, and yet I am still sitting here, wondering whether he will ever be the full-fledged life partner that I have always dreamt about, the partner that I deserve.

I began to read the Index of Forum articles in the back, and stopped when I came to “Setting boundaries: Serenity while living with active alcoholism.” I know that boundaries are what I need most right now. I went on-line and read the article, and I was moved to tears again. This article is so close to my reality and to how I imagine married life will be. And again, it seems my Higher Power is telling me to hold onto my relationship. I know that I still have the choice to leave, but I feel that there is still more beauty, love, and growth to be gained through our relationship.

I have accepted that my fiancé has an illness that I cannot change, and I do not judge him for it. However, there will be many hurdles for us to overcome. I know my Higher Power is taking care of each of us. As I learn to get better at setting boundaries and taking care of myself, the clearer and more tangible my path, plans, and dreams will become. For tonight, I am thankful that I have Al-Anon.

By Kelsa R., Ohio
The Forum, October 2008

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