Using the Traditions in Our Personal Lives

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

When I first read this Tradition I was focused on anonymity as my protection from the outside world knowing that I am affected by alcoholism.  This is one of the ideas of the Tradition; however, as I progressed in the program I realized there is much more to it than that. In Paths to Recovery it states “The key phrases in Tradition Twelve are anonymity, spiritual foundation, and principles above personalities” (p. 235). 

The underlying message I receive from Tradition Twelve is that each one of us has the same spiritual potential. Our Higher Power cares and loves us and wants the very best for each of us. I have come to believe this is true not only for all members of Al-Anon, but for all members of the human race. So, as a member of Al-Anon who practices the Twelfth Tradition, I have the responsibility to treat every person as a child of God, who deserves the utmost respect and courtesy. Now, this is not always an easy task for me; I often forget to place principles above personalities and get into egotistical thinking. Sometimes I am conscious of my behavior, but often I am unaware of my disrespectful actions and behaviors.

One evening I was in a drive-thru ordering a cup of coffee with my mother. There were numerous questions the barista was asking me and I was answering in a curt, impersonal way. When the barista told me to drive forward, my mother said that I had been very rude to her. I responded by saying I did not mean to be and didn’t really think that I was. However, as my mother continued to share her feelings with me I was forced to consider how I sounded. When I got to the window, I apologized to the young woman because I had to acknowledge that my mom was right. I had spoken to her as if she was an annoyance, with my attitude conveying my dismissal of her. As I made my amends, the barista responded, “Oh, don’t worry; we are always dealing with rude people.” Certainly, this is not the spiritual principle that Tradition Twelve conveys.

Though it is obvious I have not yet perfected my practice of this Tradition, I am better than I used to be. As the principles continue to become ingrained in my thinking, I am learning to allow those I love to be the people that their Higher Power would have them be, rather than directing them to be the person I think they should be.

My partner is a member of a twelve-step program; although I would love to share my idea of how she should work her program, I realize that her Higher Power has her in the palm of His hand. It is not my business to interfere with the opportunity she has to reach her spiritual potential. All the principles of Al-Anon, but most importantly the spiritual principles of Tradition Twelve, continue to remind me that my Higher Power is always my answer.

Read the chapter on Tradition Twelve from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.

When new to Al-Anon, I was blessed to attend meetings that discussed not only the Steps, but also the Traditions and Concepts of Service. I saw how members use the Legacies to build relationships with each other and with the outside world for the purpose of sharing a spiritual message. The disease of alcoholism tells me I am not good enough, that I am less than you are; my defect is in listening to that voice. When I find myself trying too hard to get you to like me, I have no boundaries and I sacrifice my values for the sake of your approval. I push others away when I express my opinion over and over again to promote myself or my cause.

I am practicing humility when I listen to the voice of Al-Anon telling me to accept myself, to treat myself and others with respect, and to trust that God speaks through all of us. I live an attractive life when I listen without judgment, have feelings of self-worth, and enjoy harmonious relationships with others. I can accomplish this by applying the spiritual principles of anonymity, courage, and gratitude in my everyday life of marriage, work, and Al-Anon. Tradition Eleven tells me to maintain anonymity at all levels of media; I comply without any reservation. By doing so, I feel I am contributing to the integrity of Al-Anon.

Tradition Eleven does not say that we keep Al-Anon anonymous; it says that no one person speaks as an authority on the program. What a relief! Al-Anon’s message of hope can be expressed with a focus on principles, not personalities. Naturally this does not mean that I never speak to someone about the fellowship. Reaching out to others who are hurting and asking for help is one of the ways our program works. Another way I can help carry the message is to share with my doctor and minister what Al-Anon is and how my understanding of myself and others is better because of
Al-Anon. I can leave The Forum, Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism, or pamphlets at airports, on airplanes, lounges, hotel rooms, etc. I can encourage my group to place articles about Al-Anon and how to find meetings, in our local newspaper. I can make contributions to the WSO to help carry the message to those I can’t reach.

When sharing my story, I am careful to tell my story—not the alcoholic’s. By sharing how the disease of alcoholism affected my behavior and how the use of Al-Anon principles gives me the priceless gift of serenity, I am helping others recognize and understand that alcoholism is a family disease. The principle of anonymity helps me keep the focus on myself and not gossip about others. It reminds me that I cannot make choices for other people and that I am powerless over alcoholism. It reminds me to respect the privacy of others, to keep an open mind, and to act according to my own conscience.

Read the chapter on Tradition Eleven from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line

The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 

One of my first home groups was a book study meeting that used Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (B-8). We read the book paragraph by paragraph, with each member having an opportunity to share. It took several years for that small group to finish the book; however, by then, I felt that I had a thorough understanding about how to apply the Traditions in my Al-Anon group.

Applying them in my home life was a different matter. Tradition Three defines an Al-Anon Family Group and the boundaries of that relationship. Tradition Five clearly states our primary purpose and how we go about helping the families of alcoholics.  But my family did not have a clear definition of what a family is; there was no family guideline that identified what were family issues and what were individual or outside issues. Everyone was into everyone else’s business—and freely expressed their opinion about anything and everything, whether they were asked or not. Needless to say, controversy often resulted.

I felt that anything that affected me at all was mine. I saw all issues as family issues and felt it was my responsibility to provide advice or criticism depending on the situation. Early in our marriage my husband and I had moved twenty-five miles away to another valley in Southern California, to put a little distance between us and our families. I realize now that the move was an attempt to create a physical boundary from our families because there were no emotional boundaries and we were trying to escape the family controversy.

One of the first things my Sponsor helped me to identify was what was my business and what was someone else’s. I learned to distinguish between my personal issues and my family’s issues. It was a family decision that I was a stay-at-home mom while our daughter was growing up. It was also a family decision that my husband would be the sole financial support for the family. The part that I did not understand was that the specific company where he worked and the type of work he did were not family decisions. That was a personal decision for him to make just as it was a personal decision for me to plan what activities would take place during my day as long as I properly cared for my daughter and our home.

Just as Tradition Ten keeps the Al-Anon fellowship from becoming involved in outside issues, applying Tradition Ten in my personal life has resolved many potential controversies before they were able to take root. Although my husband and I are no longer together, our family relationship in regards to our daughter has been clearly defined. All three of us have benefited (as well as our extended families) because we are able to interact comfortably while attending family events and because we do not create nor are we drawn into public controversy.

Read the chapter on Tradition Ten from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line

Our groups, as such, ought never to be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

When I first came to Al-Anon, I thought that the Traditions only applied to those who I thought “were in charge”. At that time, all I was interested in was how to get the alcoholic in my life sober. I could not see how the Traditions had anything to do with sobriety.

Fortunately for me I got a Sponsor who had been a Delegate; she helped me understand how the Traditions were a necessary and important part of the Al-Anon program. The Traditions give the groups the guidelines for unity and harmony, and therefore stability and growth.

After I had been in the program for a few years I attended a meeting where the topic was about using the Traditions in your personal life. This topic was an eye opener for me. I had never thought of using the Traditions in this way. But on reading the Traditions again, I realized that they did apply to my personal life. Tradition Nine tells me that balance and order are necessary in managing a household. It also tells me that division of responsibilities is an opportunity for all family members to grow and feel a part of the family.

For example, Tradition Nine talks about ….” Committees directly responsible to those they serve”. I started questioning myself; did we have a committee in our home?   Yes, we did. It was me!  Did I ever consider that the other person, my husband, was also a member of the committee? Did I ask for his input into family decisions?   Alcoholism had made me the “authority” out of necessity. This was a hard role for me to relinquish. But we had sobriety now and he was very active in A.A. I needed to respect his role in the family dynamics.

We sat down and discussed how we could divide up the chores and responsibilities necessary to keep our home running smoothly. I had a little difficulty in letting go of some of the things I had been doing for the last few years, but I was willing to try. It has not always been easy since my husband doesn’t always do things in the way that I think they should be done!  

One example was in making the bed. He had taken on that responsibility, but he never seemed to make it the way I wanted; he never seemed to smooth the sheets or get the bedspread on the bed evenly. So I started waiting until he got in the shower and then I quickly remade the bed. One day I turned round and he was standing there watching me; he said very quietly “there is not much need for me to try to do things around here, is there? You are never satisfied with how I do things.” That statement hit me between the eyes. He was so right!! We had agreed to divide the responsibilities, and yet I was still trying to be the “boss”. I was taking away his dignity. From that day on I have never remade the bed!!   This is such a small example but it sums up how I had been operating.

Nowadays we try to respect one another’s roles. We do not always do it perfectly. Sometimes I have a hard time accepting the way he does or does not do his chores. I am sure he has problems at times with how I do things. But by working together, Tradition Nine has brought balance, equality, and respect in our lives.

Read the chapter on Tradition Nine from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line

Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

When I first started attending Al-Anon Family Groups, my mind bounced around like a ping-pong ball during an intense table tennis game. I was in a fog for a long time and although I somehow knew my life was unmanageable, I wasn’t ready to admit that I was powerless. Not just yet. My coping skills consisted mainly of focusing my attention on anything and everything that could distract me from what I didn’t want to face.

One big distraction occurred like clockwork every week at the beginning of the meeting as my group read the Traditions—yes, we read all Twelve, not just the “Tradition of the month.” I focused specifically on Tradition Eight and silently questioned, “Who are those ‘special workers’?”

The fog started to lift as I began to recover in Al-Anon.  As I learned how to focus on myself, my self-made distractions occurred less frequently, but those special workers were still a mystery to me. I didn’t ask anyone about it because I assumed that everyone else knew who they were.

Two years into Al-Anon, our Group Representative solved the mystery when she gave her report following an Area Assembly meeting. She reported that the local Al-Anon Information Service Office was looking for a part-time, paid employee—and I immediately realized that that employee would be a “special worker.”

Throughout the years I’ve been in Al-Anon, I’ve practiced applying the Traditions in my life. Most recently, I’ve found myself focusing on Tradition Eight. Not as I did early in recovery when I was trying to distract myself from what was really going on in the meetings, but as a way to deal with and face what is happening with my dad’s health. I am powerless over what my siblings and I suspect is some sort of dementia. At 79, my dad’s memory isn’t very good and one of the things he forgets is to take his medication for diabetes, which can be potentially life-threatening.

My siblings and I are spread throughout the U.S.—I live the closest to Dad and am 500 miles away. We have formed a “thought force” to consider our options regarding asking our dad and stepmom what we can do to help and support them. We are keen on the idea of enlisting the support of a “special worker”—be it some sort of alarm system to remind Dad about taking insulin, an aide to go in during the day to help our dad and stepmom, or the possibility that assisted living might be an eventual likelihood—if that is something our dad and stepmom are ready to consider.

I don’t know how this will all play out. I do know that one of the greatest gifts I’ve received from being a member of Al-Anon is discovering that I can practice the Steps, Traditions, and Concepts  of Service in all my affairs, not only with an alcoholic. Just like the special worker in an Al-Anon Information Service Office performs work that would be difficult for members and groups to perform on a daily basis, a special worker in my dad’s life could perform tasks for him that he can no longer perform for himself.

Read the chapter on Tradition Eight from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line

Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

When this Tradition is discussed, what is usually talked about is money; and in my opinion money is certainly a part—but not all of it. For a group to be fully self-supporting, it is involved in
Al-Anon service, supports its Group Representative, and is willing to listen to the information brought back to the group from the district, Area, and worldwide Al-Anon.

I also use Tradition Seven in my personal life. I came into Al-Anon not knowing anything about being self-supporting. My self-esteem was as low as it could be. I married at the age of 17 and went from following what my parents told me to do to doing what my husband told me to do. I depended on him for all my spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. This arrangement seemed to be okay for a few years, but then the disease of alcoholism became very evident. I thought I must not be pretty enough or smart enough. There had to be something wrong with me or I would not have a husband who drank and got into trouble with the law. In school I had been an honor student and had been considered one of the smart kids, but I now thought I was the dumbest person alive. I never made any decisions, as I was afraid I would not make a good one. We had three children by this time; I went to work everyday and brought my paycheck home for him to tell me what to do with it.  I had traded the Higher Power I had grown up with for a very sick alcoholic.

When I found Al-Anon after nineteen years of this marriage I did not think there was anything good about me. I don’t think I would have joined the program, if someone had not brought me. For a long time I was too full of fear to even say, “Hi, I’m Doris.”  In Al-Anon I learned I was a child of God and was told that God didn’t make junk. I discovered that I was a worthwhile person, could make decisions, and I could learn how to take care of myself. After about six months in the program—and lots of prayer and meditation—I was able to make the decision to end a marriage, which should have ended many years before.

My life since then has not always been wonderful. It was not an overnight undertaking to become a self-supporting person. When I learned how to live by the principles of the Al-Anon program, I began slowly to change. After about five years, I did marry a sober member of A.A.—but before I could do that, I had to prove to myself that I could stand alone without someone having to hold me up.

Today I know I am the only one responsible for my spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. I will never be perfect, but I’m happy with who I am today. I am a fully self-supporting person and depend only on my Higher Power and the Al-Anon program, which I fully believe saved my life.

Read the chapter on Tradition Seven from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line

Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance, or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should always cooperate with Alcoholics Anonymous.

As with many members, when I came to Al-Anon and the Traditions were read, I heard “Blah blah blah blah blah blah.” I understood quickly that Al-Anon had some “guidelines” for groups: the opening, literature, Steps, group announcements, etc. all seemed pretty constant at every meeting. I didn’t think too much about it—I was there to take care of me and my problems—and to get the problem drinker in my life to straighten up.

In addition to my Area Al-Anon convention, I was invited to and attended some weekend events, called “roundups” or “conferences,” where both A.A. and Al-Anon members participated. I also went to a counseling group and attended workshops at a local treatment center. To me, all of these things were part of my recovery, and I didn’t feel a need to differentiate among them. I had a very wise Sponsor, who explained to me that my personal recovery can include anything that is helpful to me, but that when in Al-Anon meetings, we talk only about Al-Anon literature, Al-Anon group matters, and Al-Anon events. I realize now that she was explaining the Sixth Tradition to me. She didn’t use words like “endorsement” or “outside enterprise”—I don’t think I could have understood that. But the simple ideas became clear to me that in Al-Anon meetings we only discuss and announce matters that are Al-Anon. I never felt restricted by that, as there was always plenty of
Al-Anon to fill the meetings with!

As I began to learn more about the program and the Traditions, my view of Tradition Six expanded. I could see that it was a bit more complex than that simple idea. I learned how it applied to our public outreach service: that we don’t affiliate with or recommend any outside entities, such as treatment centers or non-Al-Anon literature. Our groups don’t finance other organizations, or allow our name to be used by them. I saw cooperation with A.A. happen in many ways, from inviting an A.A. group to attend my group’s anniversary meeting, to going with A.A. members to present information about A.A. and Al-Anon to a hospital staff meeting.

How do I apply Tradition Six in my personal life? It applies to our Al-Anon groups—I am certainly free to participate in other endeavors as an individual in any way I like. However, my personal recovery and spiritual needs are the top priority in my life, and I need to take care that they always come first. Before I join a group, support a cause, or make a donation somewhere, I assess how it fits into my life. I evaluate if it will enhance my recovery and whether it is truly something I want to be associated with. Recently two friends were negotiating a deal involving money and property. Both are good friends of mine, and I could see that a friendship could be jeopardized if I endorsed or lent my name to one side or the other. So I withdrew to let them work it out.

I apply the last part of the Tradition to myself every day. Before Al-Anon, I was not a separate entity from the alcoholics and others in my life. If you asked me how I was doing, I’d tell you how HE was doing. Today I can cooperate with my family members, friends, coworkers, and neighbors, but remain a separate entity. I still slip on occasion, but most of the time I can remain a separate entity, and cooperate as needed. It’s a great life!

Read the chapter on Tradition Six from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line

Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

The first time I heard an Al-Anon friend talk about applying the Traditions to one’s personal life I didn’t understand what she was talking about. The Steps were for my personal recovery. The Traditions were for group problems. “Yes, that’s true” she said, “but isn’t your family a group of people, too?”

I hadn’t thought about that before. The Traditions could apply to my family as well as to my Al-Anon group.

When I married my ex-husband, I knew that he was an active alcoholic. I knew that alcoholism was a disease and I knew that a spouse needed to be understanding and compassionate. What I didn’t know was that alcoholism was a progressive disease and that he was going to get worse. I didn’t know that because alcoholism was a family disease, I was going to get worse, too.

As the disease progressed in our family, I became less and less understanding. I tried constantly to “encourage” him to quit drinking and go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I came to Al-Anon to try to find a way to get him to admit that he had a problem and that he needed to go to A.A.

When I started working the Steps and got involved in Al-Anon service, I became too busy to “encourage” him in my old way. I became more understanding. I tried to carry the Al-Anon message to his children. I didn’t have to give anyone advice, instead I could listen and I could comfort them.

It was difficult for me to practice the Traditions in my home. I was doing it unilaterally. Even after sobriety, my husband chose not to embrace A.A. I had assumed that if he found sobriety, he would love A.A. as much as I loved Al-Anon. We would be the next Bill and Lois! We would be working the Twelve Steps individually and living the Twelve Traditions in our home. But that was not to be.

I’m remarried now. My current spouse is not a member of Al-Anon or A.A. But we do use the Traditions in our marriage. She thinks they are great tools. We talk about them a lot and use them in our relationship. Here’s how we interpret Tradition Five in our family: Our family has but one purpose: to help each family member become the person our Higher Power intends for us to be. I do my part by practicing the Twelve Steps myself, by encouraging and understanding the alcoholics and others in our family, and by being welcoming and comforting to all of our family members.

Read the chapter on Tradition Five from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line

Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.

I have realized that sometimes when I am told something, I repeat the information as a fact over and over again.  During my early days in Al-Anon, I often took part in making decisions for our group that seemed to be what was best for us at that time.  If anyone ever questioned whether we had the right to make that particular decision, we would simply say “according to Tradition Four, each group is autonomous.”  In this way, our group justified whatever we wanted to do.  

Later I read an article in The Forum, in which a member wrote about family recovery by using the Traditions as the framework.  I was intrigued.  I started applying the Traditions the best I could when it came to my family. My Al-Anon group discussed this article in our meetings and often reported our successes in applying them at home to the group.  

One day, I was offered the opportunity to move to London with my job.  Having learned that I was autonomous and could make decisions as if I was all that mattered, I thought how exciting this opportunity was and decided to pursue it.  I went home and told my husband and children about my decision.  The idea didn’t settle so well but I kept telling myself I just needed to be firm with this decision and they would get used to it.  

About a week later I was at my meeting and we were reading the Traditions as we did at every opening. As my Higher Power would have it, I sat in the right place in the circle to read Tradition Four.  The light bulb came on!  “Each Group was autonomous” was not the whole Tradition.  There was a comma—and the rest of the thought continued “except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.”  I had missed the important part of that Tradition.

With that awareness, I realized that the decision I was considering was as if I were autonomous. If I went through with this opportunity for me, I would be making a decision not only for myself, but also a decision that would have an effect on the rest of my family.

We were a family in recovery – I valued my marriage, each member of my family, and the family as a whole.  After thinking about all of this, I talked it over with my husband and teenage children. When I reconsidered everything involved, I realized that at that time, it was not the best decision for the family as a whole. 

Over the years, many of the decisions our group made in those early days have also been reconsidered.  We have experienced the rewards of knowing we are part of something that reaches far beyond our little circle that meets each Saturday night. 

Even though I am autonomous, I am always reminded that what I do very often affects those around me today.  I am always spiritually connected to others, my family, and other Al-Anon members around the world. I have come to understand the spiritual principle of being autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or A.A. as a whole.

Read the chapter on Tradition Four from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line

The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

On the surface, it would appear that Tradition Three is only about group and membership qualifications. What’s that got to do with my personal recovery? Plenty! Relating to it on a personal level has given me an incredible sense of identity and belonging.

Growing up in an alcoholic family, my sense of identity was confused and unclear, if not outright distorted, from a very early age. By the time I reached adulthood, I had no idea who I was or what I wanted for myself. My only goal was to make everybody else happy. That outcome seemed more and more unattainable as alcoholism progressively affected each member of my family.

With this lack of identity and purpose, I felt profoundly lost. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. Eventually I just wanted to be invisible. By the time I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I felt so lonely and isolated that having even one good friend seemed more than I could expect or deserve.

From my first meeting on, I was welcomed warmly into Al-Anon. The members had no concerns about my “qualifications,” even though I did. I told them I wasn’t sure if my mom was an alcoholic, but all they said was that if I was worried about her drinking, I was in the right place. It also didn’t matter to them that according to my age, gender, and relationship to the alcoholic, I wasn’t like them—I still belonged. In time, those differences didn’t matter to me either. Instead, I was concentrating on our similarities.

Eventually, as I focused on myself and my own recovery, I gained a greater sense of identity and belonging that extended outside of Al-Anon. My self-esteem was no longer dependant on what other people thought about me. I finally felt I deserved to be here in this world, as an equal with everyone else.

There is also another side to the sense of belonging that I feel today. Although it is up to me to determine whether or not I belong, I no longer feel it is my responsibility to determine if anyone else belongs. I do believe, however, that I have a responsibility to encourage a sense of belonging in others—whether at meetings, at home, or at work—by accepting those around me as they are. Whether or not I like each of them to the same degree, I am learning to give them the same cooperation, respect, and dignity that I would like to have for myself. Thanks to Al-Anon, there are many people in my life, and quite a few of them are close friends. I am learning to be grateful for the presence of everyone I know.

Read the chapter on Tradition Three from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line

For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.

At one time I belonged to an Al-Anon group where the format called for the Group Representative to stand and read the Traditions at the start of every meeting. This was done with great pomp and ceremony; it drove me nuts. One night at our business meeting, the group was asked if anyone had anything they would like to bring up. I thought that was my chance to vent my frustration. I said that the Traditions had absolutely nothing to do with me; I thought that if we had to listen to them, someone should figure out how they could be relevant to my life and to talk about that. The group thought it was a great idea and said, “Next week we’re on Tradition Five, so you can have ten minutes to talk about how you relate it to you own life”. I was totally stymied, but began my quest of finding a personal use for the Traditions. The following week, I attended with new enthusiasm and was able to share how I could use Traditions in my personal life.

The Steps are for my inner healing. But after I found serenity through the Steps, I realized that I still needed help with relationships—and that all the answers lie in the Traditions. They are my guidelines.

I believe that Tradition Two saved my marriage. For years, I had been told that nothing I had to say was important and that my opinions were stupid. I believed it. I soon began to keep all my opinions to myself and to feel that I was wrong about everything. Whatever “His Highness” wanted was the way things were done in our family.

When I looked at Tradition Two, it said that to have a group conscience, everyone is entitled to have their say. We don’t criticize or put down anyone’s opinions. It’s about respect and having an open mind, realizing that everyone has something important to offer in any given situation. I don’t have to agree with everything, but I don’t need to be disagreeable.

In my married life, I had always given in to whatever my husband wanted because I didn’t want to have an unpleasant confrontation. In every situation there had to be a winner and a loser; I was almost always the loser. I really believed that he who speaks the loudest wins, and he who has the last word wins.

How my ideas of group conscience have changed our relationship! We have two programs in our home and we listen to each other. There is no criticism or put-downs. We both have something important to add to a conversation. We respect each other’s opinions. Although many times we don’t agree on things, it’s no longer an issue. We’ve learned to compromise when necessary and to allow the Higher Power into our decision-making.

When difficult issues come up in our life, I talk first to my Higher Power; then there is a new dimension in our discussions. I no longer have that desire to “just for once” be right about something. I just want to be heard. I have a new appreciation for the opinions of others; my thinking is enhanced by having an open mind and the ability to listen.

No one governs in my home any more. We talk to each other, reason things out, and have no criticism of one another. For me, it’s all about respect.

Read the chapter on Tradition Two from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line

Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.

Unity. What a miraculous concept that is! It is what I always wished for in my alcoholic home, in my relationships with others, and in my mind and heart. I wished to live in an atmosphere of oneness, harmony, solidarity —a place where I felt safe and supported.

That condition felt nearly impossible when I was growing up and in the early days of my marriage when alcohol separated me from those I loved by a wall of anger, resentment, sadness, confusion, and scarcity—preventing any sense of peace. I frequently felt “outside of, apart from, better than, or worse than”. My mind and my heart were always at odds. Back then, I believed that if I didn’t act for myself, nothing would ever happen. If I didn’t pick up all the responsibilities, I would neither survive nor prosper.

Out of necessity, I became self-sufficient, looking out for my own needs. This survival skill kept me focused on myself, my ideas, my choices, and my aspirations. It did not promote solidarity or harmony in my family. It kept me from you, as well. For many years, “it” was all about me – my own growth, my own destiny. My personal safety was tied to my self-sufficiency. I didn’t let you in because the drawbridge was up.

In these many years I have practiced the Al-Anon program, Tradition One has led me to find peace and safety in a new way, one that has allowed my heart, my mind and my actions to come together in unity. I have learned to be a servant to something greater than myself: the common welfare.

Doing what is right for the many frees me from being focused on my own will, desires, or ideas. Considering what is best for most has connected me to my family, my friends, and to the program in ways that I never before experienced. The simple act of humility that this Tradition requires of me fills me spiritually—I feel and live united to a greater purpose and a higher good—a place where the God of my understanding resides. I am safe, supported, and at peace.

Read the chapter on Tradition One from Paths to Recovery (B-24) Order on-line