Would the drinking stop if he or she loved you?

Published by at 10:58 am under Common Concerns

Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Today we’re going to ask Al-Anon members if they ever thought the drinking would stop if the drinker really loved them.

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259 comments on “Would the drinking stop if he or she loved you?”

  1. Linda says:

    My 46 yr old daughter just died from liver failure. As I work back thru the wreckage she left behind, I think she drank for years and hid it well until about 5 yrs ago. She was a binge drinker. She drank until she passed out. We tried to get her help, we tried to shut her off, but she was our daughter, part of us, we couldn’t just walk away. I realize now we probably enabled her. I feel so sad and guilty. The worst part of all of this, she left her 8 yr old daughter behind. Our granddaughter lives with us now. We are all trying to cope with this. I am 65 and just retired, did not expect to spend the last part of my life raising another child, and coping with the pieces that my daughter left behind.

  2. Diana says:

    I have been in a relationship with a guy I believe to be an alcoholic. He has a strong background of alcoholic relatives, starting with his mom. His mom used to be the type of alcoholic who gets verbally and physically aggressive and abusive. My partner ended up on the streets and started drinking at a very young age. He is now 29 and I am 31. When I met him I knew he drank a lot, from what I saw and under my standards, but I did not know he used to drink almost daily before moving in with me. When he moved in with me I started seeing he drank 2 or 3 times during the week, plus heavier on the weekends. I was troubled because he does not get aggressive neither verbally or physically, at all. He keeps being his lovey dovey self, he just plays his PS4 while drinking, then cooks dinner, then we watch movies and go to sleep. He has never passed out, but has has a couple black outs where he does not clearly remembers certain conversations, but this has been rare. He keeps on going to work and everything seems to function normally. Though, I come from a family where neither my mother or father drank, so I am not used to it. I do drink socially and I am not gonna lie, I have binge drank and passed out on one of those crazy weekend nights, but we are talking of a once a month thing and not even. We have had so many arguments over his drinking, I hate coming home to a man whose breath and skin stinks to alcohol, to a home where I see bottles and bottles of beer, I hate seeing him grog sick next day and going to work like that, I hate how he looks after it, all pale and so old. He has made plenty of compromises after I have threatened to leave him. Though, he breaks those compromises again and again and twisting his words to his convenience. First he said he was going to stop drinking during the week and leave alcohol for the weekends; then, he changed it to have a couple beers once or twice a week night, but then his “couple” beers turned into two or three tall necks, not two or three standard drinks. He says he does not see the problem, that I am overreacting, that he likes his beers after work because he has a hard physical job, that he is not spending all our money nor gambling nor being irresponsible with work or family/friends commitments, that he just wants to enjoy a few beers here and there, that he is an adult and knows what he is doing. Some other times he accepts that he can not stop at two or three standard drinks, because it has no effect on him, he has built a high tolerance. I broke uo with him yesterday, again; he thought I was gonna change my mind, I asked him to come up with a plan on how to stop this situation, he did not, so I left. I am so heart broken, I do not know what to do. I do not really want to leave him and I have never felt this in love, he is supportive, hard worker, extremely caring to my needs and wants, but this one things is killing me even though it is not extreme. I do not know what to do.

  3. Paula says:

    My husband lost job, union got him back in if he goes to out patient rehab. (Didn’t work the last time) maybe Im to blame? I have been without voice which really stressed our relationship but we have been working on it. Please tell me it gets better. We have long painful history, which we both have worked on and we both want to for filling our dreams together. Any success stories out there?

  4. Amanda says:

    Ive been with my husband for over 18 years breaking up for a couple of weeks here and there we have been together for 5 years without major incident but just recently theres been a few occasions where ive wanted out one being that he went out drinking and went banging on the single woman’s door across from where we live , i only found out because she didnt answer and tried ringing him when he had returned home and i asked who was ringing him and of course he lied and i demanded to see his phone !! Then we went on holiday a family holiday with our sons and his parents and he was drunk for 2 weeks since we have been home i said i jad had enough and it was tge drink or our marriage he chose the alcohol but wouldnt leave so now hes still here drinking as soon as he finishes work and sleeping on tge sofa but actually seems ok about it and im going crazy!!!

  5. Linda says:

    Wow,… This is crazy. It’s like my life is being seen from the inside out. I have been to hell 3x’s and back with my husband and his drinking. All the money, courts, blowing in the lock on the steering wheel before he could drive it, classes, AA and then some. He’s mean as hell when drinks, but then he stops for weeks and will do anything for me. I’ve been called names told he hates me and sometimes leaves for nights at a time. When leaves I feel peace. I know God frown upon divorce so I feel trapped on this roller coaster that won’t stop. 🙁

  6. Denny says:

    I just left my alcoholic boyfriend of 1 year and 4 months 2 nights ago.

    We broke up 3 times in the beginning because I couldn’t stand the monster he was when he was buzzed. Now, I’m a Tennessee girl, I’ve been drinking whiskey since I was 10. I don’t NEED IT EVERY DAY,,,EVERY 2 HOURS! Sure I have a good time, but that’s only when camping or with friends and that’s it. Not every day!

    So, the LAST (4th) time we got back together, he PROMISED he’d stop drinking the “hard stuff” and I sincerely believe he did. He is such a WONDERFUL man when he’s not horrendously drunk. He did, however, have about 2 to 4 beers a day, which didn’t alter his personality at all. So that was fine with me for a year.

    I specifically told him during our conversation that day he made that promise……that I will LEAVE if he backtracks. I have him 4 chances so I told him, in solidarity with him…I would stop drinking Whiskey too. And I did.

    Okay,now, he DOES have insomnia problems and smokes Marijuana when he gets anxiety. He does NOT want to be a pill popper so he relies on that and beer to get himself to sleep. But with this HORRENDOUS divorce and sharing custody of 2 teenage boys and 1 adult son living at home….he’s stressed. HORRIBLY stressed. Excuse? I don’t know.

    Last week, (Friday) I found two 12 OZ bottles of JD “Hidden” in a toolbox. Along with his Marijuana bowls. It’s not the weed I was upset about,since I didn’t have a problem with that, but HIDING the whiskey!

    I took pictures of the bottles EXACTLY where they were hidden….and confronted him with this.

    He said he just couldn’t take the stress of his divorce anymore and the Melatonin’s I was giving him were NOT working. Even the weed wasn’t working. So he FREELY admitted his did.

    I said I’m packing my stuff. He then turned around, went to the nearest Rite Aid drug Store, and came back with TWO big “jugs” of Crown Royal!

    Then as the night wore on, he started verbally abusing me, and then it happened……………he THREW ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE AT 1:30 AM!

    Called the cops to have a “civil standby” and I got as much things as I could and had a friend drive me to a hotel and I checked in for 4 nights.

    He’s been texting me (drunk) and telling me he’s going to pile my stuff in the yard and set it on fire! I called the police again and they said “we WILL NOT come out again whenever he threatens this” MY grandmothers cookware, family photos and my daughter’s awards (she’s 14) were in the house.

    So my friend an I want to the house to see if he did pile my stuff in the yard….he didn’t.

    Then he kept texting me he did, then he didn’t, then he did, then he didn’t. ALL NIGHT! It became a game to him. He KNEW the cops wouldn’t come out there that many times!

    Sorry I’m rambling……….i’m starting to feel I FAILED him and feel it’s partly MY FAULT! I returned his Promise Ring….and he said I ripped his heart out when I returned the ring. He also says I kept him from being himself. WHAT!?? He was the one who said “You made me a bettter man Denny….thank you!” He said I and his kids were his “focus” and giving me all these praises and now he says I was the one holding him back? From what? Being Whiskey Bent?

    I’m not sure if I should go through some therapy or something so I can get over this “my fault” feeling.

    I’m in a million pieces right now.

  7. Suli says:

    I met him when I was in a dark place in my life. My ex had left me pregnant and alone. I was looking for a friend and ended up hanging out with him one night. He was drunk when I came over but I really didnt think much of it. I wasnt looking for love… Just a distraction. We got along so well we ended up dating. Little did I know the entire time we dated he was talking to other girls and telling all his friends that I was living on the streets and how he took me in. It was a lie of course. I lived with my sister in a house we shared and had never been homeless in my life. His lying only got worse the longer we were together… After catching him cheating twice and lying about his continued contact with the girls and there families, I’d had enough. I was pregnant again this time with his child and I had kicked him out. I still dont know whats worse… The way his drinking ruined our relationship… Or the fact that I’ll never forgive him for choosing alcohol over me and our family. I told him last night that I wont b giving our son his last name when I give birth. His family made several threats about killing our unborn child and thus are not allowed around him. I told him since he is the only member of his side of the family that our child will know, I would rather him not know his father at all if he’s going to continue to be a drunk. I would rather him think his father is a good man who couldn’t handle the stress than for him to b abused by his alcoholic father.. He still calls me saying I’m over reacting and how we are going to be together. Even after all of this he cant admit to the verbal or physical abuse he put me through… I finally realized he’s never going to change for me.

  8. Tara says:

    I used to think if my husband loved me, he’d quit drinking. Now . . . I realize that he doesn’t have room in his heart to love more than one thing at a time. He loves alcohol. I’m just here. He’d rather spend time alone and drink. He is angry when I ask, beg, threaten and plead for him to be and get sober and he can be verbally abusive when drunk, but he is lucky enough to pass out every night and not remember it the next day. I feel tortured and miserable because I can’t forget the things he says. I can’t speak to him about his mouth because he claims I “over exaggerate” how he treats me when he is drunk. I literally down play a lot of his behaviors because I feel sorry for him. He is embarrassing and I feel bad for him. I just know people have to talk about him when he is drunk and it makes me feel like I have to protect him. He hurts me and I feel like I have to protect him? Crazy what sober people go through living through someone’s alcoholism. He lies about how much he drinks. He believes just because half a bottle of whiskey fits into one very large glass, it constitutes as one drink. I started writing him emails, believing that he would read them while sober and it would be more productive for a stable marriage . . . Sadly I found out he has quit reading them.

    When we first got together we drank together and had a ton of fun. He would tell me the next day how I acted and what I said and I remembered none. Not only was I embarrassed, but I began to realize that I loved him enough to give him all of me. Sober me. To actually give our marriage a real chance by being . . . Me. It’s just too bad that he doesn’t feel the same way. What it boils down to is what we had in common was drinking. Now that I don’t drink, it appears we have nothing in common.

    I pray that one day he will realize the severity of how thin our marriage is being pulled due to his alcoholism, but I’m beginning to accept that he will be happy alone and drunk. I will soon begin preparing to move and start a life without him.

  9. Cindy says:

    Best thing is just let him be the alcoholic he is. It will get him in the end. I have tried for years to get him to stop. There is a point where you just give up. I am planning a life without him as his days are numbered. He most recently got his 4th DUI so let the courts deal with him now. He cannot drive for 3 years and yet he gets his booze. Tonight he is not home – somewhere – and most likely will walk home if he can even find his way after his drinking. I refused to pick him up! I will not be an enabler anymore! How is he going to make his court dates? Not my problem anymore! It might sound cruel but I have been to hell and back with his drinking. Final thought – if he does try and walk home he might just get picked up by police. Happy Easter to him!

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