What do you think about anger?

Published by at 3:58 pm under Common Concerns

Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery from Al-Anon Family Groups. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Today we have with us a young woman who is a wife, a mother, a school teacher, and a member of Al-Anon Family Groups. She has agreed to talk with us about anger.

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168 comments

168 comments on “What do you think about anger?”

  1. P says:

    I suffer from alcoholism everyday. Alcohol has taken away my hopes and dreams for what my life would be like.. having grown up in an alcoholic household, I promised myself that I would never let my children know the pain, the shame, the loneliness of living like that.. and yet, they live with it every day of their lives. My husband is an alcoholic. I struggle to say functioning alcoholic as I don’t see much function in his life, but he is talented enough at being an alcoholic most people have no idea about his problem. If someone starts to figure it out and heaven fobid, ask him about it, he cuts them out of his life immediately. He doesn’t feel that he has a problem with drinking; he thinks he has a problem sleeping and the drinking “helps him sleep”. He has no problem sleeping all day and then getting up at 10 or 11 at night and drinking until 6 or 7 in the morning.. at which time he “goes to sleep”, to anyone else, what he does would be considered passing out. He quit his job 5 years ago and started his own business and it started out ok. He has since hired a couple of people that actually go out and do the work now because he usually can’t get up during the day to get anything done. In order to make sure we have money coming in to cover his businesses expenses and contribute to the household, I have to do all of the paperwork for his company.. in addition to my full time job, 3 kids, taking care of all cooking, cleaning, yard work, kids activities, parenting, etc. He has now started making snarky comments about how much money he “pays” the household… convientently forgetting that I still pay for everything except the rent and groceries. I pay all of the insurance, the electric, the cable, the cell phones, the car payments, the babysitter, all the taxes, etc, but he thinks I am “blowing” all his money.

    He drinks, on average, 20 beers a day, every day. I cannot recall the last day he did not drink at least a 12 pack. He drank 24 beers the other day and within 2 hours of “falling asleep” wanted to drive himself to attend a funeral- he couldn’t even stand up. This is almost a daily occurence. I travel for work sometimes and I have panic attacks that he is going to drive my kids to school drunk and get into an accident. There have already been several times where the kids didn’t go to school when I was traveling becuase he didn’t wake up in time to take them (its too late at noon!). We have already had CPS called on us because of comments my youngest child made at school about his dads drinking and fighting with me. I am absolutely terrified I will lose my chhildren.

    I am suffering from depression and have been for a few years now. I am angry, bitter but even more sadly, I am becoming numb to it all. I want to leave but I can’t seem to find my strength. I feel like a failure as a mother by letting my children live in this environment.

  2. Just jenn says:

    Reading these comments is tripping me out. I swear each one i can relate to. I wish my small town had an AA or alanon, hell any support group but they don’t. 15 years dealing with it and i can’t do it anymore. I have no one to talk to about this. I suffer from cptsd and all this that i deal with. I just don’t know what to do. I am either angry, agitated, in panic mode or crying. The gaslighting is really bad too. So tired of the abuse. Thank you for this website. It makes me feel less crazy and to know others understand this hell i have been living.

  3. Lori says:

    I understand how all of you feel. I am at the crossroads of what to do with my life. My husband went into rehab last summer for 4 weeks he was really ill and took a lot of persuasion to go. All seemed well for a couple of months then I noticed cans appearing and when I asked him he said ‘I never said I would stop’. Christmas was him in bed drunk and since then he has been staggering around at weekends repeating himself and cross if I say anything. I know he is depressed but I have tried everything and I feel so embarrassed if anyone calls at the house and sees him. I have my mother living in an annexe and I am worried he will turn nasty with her if I go for a divorce. Vodka and co-codamol have destroyed any chance of a relationship and a life. He was once a capable intelligent man now he is agitated when sober and totally irritating when drunk/drugged it is depressing I no longer care about finances I want to find a way to deal with the situation. It frightens me as he can be abusive no-one can get through to him, his mother drinks and also denies he has a problem.

  4. Wendy says:

    I had another fight last night with my drunk husband. He was supposed to be stopping it all on his 40th birthday, just four days ago. We were going to really focus on the healthy aspects of our relationship, and support one another in moving forward with healthy habits, and honest dialogue.
    Nothing has changed. It is all false hope. It was all lies.

    I am so incredibly angry I feel I could kill him, and I thought last night that I would, when he put his hands on me when I declined to eat the dinner he prepared for me. I was already upset that I came home to a drunk man stumbling around, eyes glazed, slurred speech, so I excused myself and went to take a shower and lay down. He said he would “rape me” if I didn’t eat the dinner. And when he climbed on top of me, and restrained me, I kicked him so hard he hit the wall and his glasses broke. Now it is all my fault again and he left and is very angry with me. No accountability at all.

    I don’t know why I have to start all this fighting. I should have just ate his dinner. He was trying to do something good, but I just can not stand him or his drinking! I become wildly angry, and he belligerent. I should know not to fight when he is drunk, but I just can’t help it. My anger overwhelms me.

    I am totally lost and totally afraid. I feel crazy all the time.

  5. Chanel says:

    Hi everyone, I’m a Filipina in early 30s. Living in the Philippines. On and off relationship with a guy from Europe, but he work and live in my country. I also have the same problem. And why are we so affected with thier drinking habbit anyway? I reach the point that its time for me to make an action. I am not a financialy stable, but I have a home on my own. So, I left my partner. We share our sons costudy. We live in a nice place in a nice area, but I just quit my life with him. Its because I’m not happy living with him, and seeing him drunk most of the time its turn me off.

    1st day of my move out. Some friends messaging me that he is on Tinder and he is messaging her. I don’t get jealous at all. Because I know he will not have a long lasting relationship. Once a man is alcoholic, he will be forever alcoholic. His time is only enough for work and then drink afterwards. For the whole 2 years of spending time with him, he never take me to a movie, or dinner anniversary, but he has time for drinking with his friends. I ask him if he loves me, and he said yes, but how come he never do any normal things with me? If ever he will invite me for something, its always involve the drinking. I don’t find it exciting at all. Its really turn me off.

    I did noticed that he is not into doing things with me. He wants to make a schedule that on Saturday I look after my son, because he will be out with his friend, and on Sunday I can go out and he doesn’t mind looking my son if I want to do something with friends. The fact is, thats not what I want. I want him and my son to go out on the weekend as a family. I saw people around as a complete family if they go to the park. Except me and my son. Because his father was out and drinking only.

    While reading all the comments here, I don’t want to spend 10-20 years like you guys did. 2 years of a torture, I think its more than enough for me. I decided to love myselr more. Living with him, I feel like I’m just a slave. Cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, cleaning bottles for my son, give him a bath and feed him. No day off at all. I don’t even have time for myself anymore. I don’t even recognized myself when I look at myself in the mirror. I lose so much weight. People think I’m sick because I’m too skinny. While the father of my son is getting fat from drinking and eating.

    If the father is off from work, he used his spare time for drinking only. He don’t do sports. He really loves going to the bars only, eat nice food and booze. But when he realiazed he spent so much money, on the next day he will get angry and moody, yell at me, and blame me that I don’t work. And he was the one who cover all the expenses in this family.

    We live here in the Philippines, so I told him, maybe we should hire a nanny for our son, so I can go back to work. Its not expensive to have a nanny here in the Philippines. Thats only his 2 nights of spending in the bars the salary of the nanny. But he is not willing to pay either. So, what am I supposed to do? I can’t commit a job while looking after my son at the same time. I also really wants to have a job as well, because all he does is to count on me, that he pays everything. Before he meet me I had a job, I only quit because I was pregnant and I have to focus with my baby.

    Anyway, I think I am just too unlucky of finding guys. My 1st relationship was not alcoholic, but he was a brutal too. He was a womanizer, and he keeps offering me that he wants a 3 some in bed with another woman, and he is cheating a lot, even I had a lot of evidence he still don’t admit that he was cheating. He just want to f*ck around. So I left him. So I went from the womanizer partner and change to alcoholic partner. Geeeeeezzzzzz I’m actually afraid to find someone now. Whats next? I’m afraid I will meet the next one as a killer… So, I better stop searching for the right one. Better I stay single.

    I’m strong enough. I don’t sit around feeling so sorry for myself. So, I made a decision. I’m single and freeeeeeeeee…..

  6. Dana says:

    I’ve lost the only person who I ever believed in. I’m past angry. Ive moved on to uncontrollable crying and overwhelming panic. I’ve been married for exactly 13 years yesterday. My husband was my infatuation since middle school. He grew up one block away from me. He was very popular and outgoing. He was everything I was not in high school.

    My childhood was surrounded by pharmaceutical drug addicts. I have issues with addicts. I want to save them because it’s an irrational logic empowered by the unrealistic requirements given to me at birth to be a “savior”. In other words my parents addiction set me up to always feel the need to save someone.

    My husband went to college and quickly became addicted to meth. He was a semi-functional meth-head. By the time he was hitting rock bottom was the time I swooped in. He likes to tell marriage therapist and drug therapist that, “I saved him”. Here’s what really happened.

    He stopped using meth, we got married, he joined the military, and finished his BS and graduated from a very nice school. Started using meth on vacations. Started drinking excessively. We had a son. My husband drank every day. He cheated on me with our neighbor. He said he was drunk when he did it. But then they started calling each other and taking our children to amusement parks together. It was so hurtful and embarrassing for me. I went to the doctor for anxiety. Only because we were in the military, I couldn’t tell them what was causing the anxiety. I felt crazy! I was alone. I hurt so deeply.

    There were many more woman. Many more questionable nights. I made him leave the military when his time was up. Everyone hated me in his shop, because I wasn’t much fun to be around and because my husband sure wasn’t admitting he was an @sshole. Still hasn’t been remorseful!

    We moved back to our home state. He started using meth again. He cheated again. He left me alone a lot. He complained to others about me. We moved again. He drank more. He started using meth again. He drank and did horribly mean things to me. He cheated. He told other people he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I had multiple breakdowns at work. I was scared of him. He started buying bomb kits to make fireworks. I seriously believed he was going to stage my death so he could collect life insurance on me.

    Things slowed down. He stopped using meth and his drinking went only to weekends. Then he cycled and his drinking started getting worse and worse. I was left alone again. I really feel like a failure when I’m left alone so he can get hammered drunk and socialize. So I started sabotaging his relationships with his buddies. I hoped it would help the drinking and drug abuse. Addicts are like magnets. My husband can spot them in a crowd and becomes besties with all of them. I’m 34 years old and I sit in a garage 4-6 nights a week, watching my husband get drunk, while attempting to socialize and pretend it’s all normal.

    I mentioned my anniversary was yesterday. 10 days prior, I took a side job to purchase my husband an anniversary gift. This job required me to sift through the entire year of business book keeping. It was 15 degrees in the office so I had to wear a winter coat, gloves, and stocking. There was no running water, therefore no bathroom. I did not eat while I was there, because honestly it was awful and I just wanted to be done.

    I purchased my husband a 62″, stainless steel, tru-inferred, 5 burner with cast iron skillet, beautiful grill. We had bought our first grill right after we were married. It no longer worked and I thought it would be thoughtful to purchase him a new one. I gave it to him early, because he tends to forget about me on Christmas, Birthdays, anniversaries, valentines etc…….
    he loved it.

    I watched him go to the liquor store multiple times that whole week. One day he went twice. Yesterday came (our anniversary) and he bought me tea lights and bubble bath from the dollar tree. I thought it was a joke. That something else was coming. My husband makes a good living. He has a bs and works in the aircraft industry. Our income is very good.

    Today has been a bad day for me. There was nothing else. He keeps asking me if I’m okay. He knows I’m not okay. He knows why I’m crying. I tell him I want him to add all the liquor store receipt up and please explain again why? He just gets defensive and makes me feel terrible for not being humble and appreciative of my dollar tree items. He reminds me that we did go sit in a garage, while I watched him drink with his buddies, and he cooked steaks, on our anniversary.

    Why does nobody get it?

  7. El says:

    These comments make me realize that it’s not just me. I’ve been with my ‘functional alcoholic’ husband for 7 years, married for 3 of those. he makes me feel like the irrational one because he’s not a stereotypical drunk. He holds a job, he’s very good at it. He isn’t drinking casks of goon and whole bottles of spirits. I feel bad because I have only become aware and really concerned about his drinking since the discussion of children has come up, which makes me feel guilty and unreasonable. But I have become increasingly angry and resentful of his drinking. when he is drinking I am so detached that I want him to screw up so bad that I will have a final excuse to leave, that he’ll do something so stupid that it will solve my problem. When he’s sober I resent him and countdown until he next disappointments me.
    I just feel stuck.

  8. kit says:

    Living with an alcoholic is like being hell when you don’t deserve to be there. I have been married for 30 years and the last 15 have been with an alcoholic. Unlike some on here, I don’t love my husband AT ALL. I can’t stand him. He is the mean cruel alcoholic. He has never hit me (I wish he would just once so I could have him arrested!) He is mentally/emotionally cruel and his is absolutely vicious. He is now retired, on disability and has absolutely NOTHING to do all day long. He will drink for WEEKS on end..beer and his drink of choice…whiskey. He won’t eat, won’t sleep just sits around and drinks till he can’t even walk. He falls alot and hurts himself, blood everywhere, breaks things and STILL won’t stop.

    10 years ago he was told he only had weeks to live, he was suffering from hepatitis/complete liver failure. His eyes were yellow, skin yellow, whole body bloated. He was put in a nursing home to die. The doctors said they couldn’t do anything else. Somehow he survived..they called it a miracle. We all thought he would stop drinking. SO WRONG!!! He went right back to drinking. No one can get through to him, he doesn’t want help. He just wants to drink.

    I loved him once, but now I can’t stand the sound of his voice, the smell of him. He will go WEEKS without taking a shower, wear his old nasty puke stained, pee stained clothes. He’ll go out in public like that and when I try to stop him he yells at me. I am emotionally battered to the point I don’t wish to go on living.

    I left a great job to take care of him and now 7 years later I depend on him financially with him constantly berating me that I’m stupid, lazy and a bitch. I am saving up to get out and once I leave, I don’t care if he does.

    Unless you have been around an abusive alcoholic, I’m sure I sound cold. I’m not..I’m just sick of it..sick of him, sick of trying to explain to neighbors why he yells at them, their dogs, just sick of it all. This isn’t a life..its a prison sentence and I want out.

  9. Debra says:

    I never thought I would be saying this, but I am all to happy to share that I am leaving my husband of 14 years. He has started a fire in our home and left us homeless with children, lost cars because he can’t make payments, gone to bars and stayed out til the next morning, emotionally and somewhat physically abused me and the children, and put us in financial disorder.He has also physically abused animals, which scares me and the kids. If it were not for me being so forgiving, I would have left years ago. He always seems to somehow make me feel responsible for these things when I know he is. I am going to reclaim myself. He no longer gets to shove this off on me and sometimes the kids. I am not a hateful person and I will always love him. Frankly, it has gotten to the point where I don’t trust him and our marriage is torn. Love or not, this time it is about my children and i, and not him. He is used to getting his way so I am sure he will put up a fight but it will only be his own. I am a rational person and have weighed the pros and cons of a marriage like this. Everyone says the same thing; “Get out.” I am sad that it has come to this and I have tried for years to reason with him, but this is not love and isn’t that what good marriage has. This is sick twisted manipulation. Is he narcissistic?

  10. Yvette says:

    I read all these post, and realize its not just me who is feeling this way about my husband. I feel very sad, because I feel I have lost the good man my husband used to be. I have been married 13 years. In the beginning we drank together for fun on the weekends, but then we began drinking after work during the week “had a bad day at work”. I got cancer and went through treatments, so I stopped drinking all together, he didn’t. Seems his drinking is just getting worse. Now when he gets drunk he is getting angry and is beginning to call me names, such as whore or cunt. I feel that he took care of me when I had cancer, I cant leave him. I am very conflicted because I am not liking him much, even loosing the love I had for him, but I don’t leave him because, when he is not drunk, he can be a good man. I am afraid one day I will have to file for divorce 🙁

  11. kate says:

    my husband quit after daily drinking 10 years (he had not been problematic for about 10 prior), he stopped on his own, cold turkey. he Is like a new man…….me…..im lost…..I cant let go of anger, I find myself not giving 2 cents about him stopping. Im still angry at him and myself for allowing it to go on that long and for me babysitting him. I want a lover, companion and spouse I wont have to worry about this happening again!

  12. M says:

    Thank you all for sharing. I am in the same situation as you. I am so sick of living with someone who gets so angry for no reason. I am the one to blame for everything he is unhappy with in his life. He goes so mad sometimes that his face goes purple and his mouth froths. Sometimes when I am upstair I can hear him ranting to himself and banging the walls or table. I too am so exhausted and depressed from carrying him through life. I am always getting berated for small things I do, or for not agreeing with him. I don’t challenge him at all because it is not worth the backlash and resentment I get. I feel so sorry to read all the stories on here, it is so sad when you end up with someone like this. They could be wonderful people but they are so damaged and they damage those who are close to them. I often think, if only I knew what to say or do to prompt him on to a road to recovery, but deep down I know that is up to him. I am relived to find that I am not the only one who finds this situation so impossible. For years I have let him convince me that I am an exceptionally weak and useless person to the point I belived him and I still have to fight against believing that. Thank you for your honesty and for letting me post my feelings.

  13. 2016-10-15 says:

    After catching my functional alcoholic husband of 10 yrs kissing another woman I told him it was the bottle or his family! He is getting his 1 month button from AA tonight. Yet I have no faith or trust in him to not pick up another bottle or cheat on me again. I moved and got a place in my name only and told him 1 drink and I’m done. He thinks I don’t know he is drinking when he tries to hide it from me! But so far so good. But my trust, my faith, and my character have been broken and stolen from me because of this.

  14. Mary says:

    How can you love or even respect an alcoholic??? Their focus WILL always be their addiction NOT you.
    They will lie, detact, deny, manipulate. Make you feel worthless, crazy, selfish, and guilty.
    I have finally made the decision it is either ME or HIM.
    I chose ME.

  15. Tha says:

    Yup. Same same all of it. Could fill the page with all the same stuff. Why though? Why has it always been this way and throughout history. These stories are different yet all the same.

  16. kim says:

    I wish I could say that I feel angry, but I don’t. I just feel sad. Sad that I committed 13 years of my life to a man who never puts me first, a man who takes before he gives, a man who blames me for everything, a man who drinks so much that he passes out and wets the bed like a baby, a man who thinks all his drinking problems are because of things I do or say or don’t do. All of this makes me feel incredibly sad. And what makes me feel even sadder is that we’ve managed to build a great life, we both have good jobs, we travel overseas every year, we have fun together, at times. And I feel so sad that that life is all wasted. Wasted and over. Over because I need to leave now. I can’t stay under these conditions. The excessive binge drinking that leads to the depression, the depression then leads to the blame, and the blame always falls on me. I wish I could feel angry, it would make this easier. But I just feel sad.

  17. Worried and Scared says:

    For the last decade I have spent my life with the most caring, loving, loyal and dependable man you could ever wish to meet.. When he is sober. When he is DRUNK (these days, most days) he turns in to a man I no longer wish to be around. One that is aggressive, scary and totally unrecognisable. I don’t know what to do. I love him dearly and hate the thought of my life without him in it. However, I suffer with severe depression and emotionally unstable personality disorder. This is destroying both of us and I need to put the brakes on. As he is a high functioning alcoholic as far as he is concerned there is no issue. If I leave I am abandoning a man who has supported and continues to support me with my issues. However if I stay I am facilitating and accepting his behaviour. What a dilemma. He is an alcoholic and my heart is telling me to stand by him and my head is saying get out before he completely destroys us both. Reading everyone else’s experience has helped me to speak out and for that I am grateful. God give me the strength to make the right decision. Love and Prayers to all that are suffering.

  18. Jen says:

    I am celebrating our one month wedding anniversary today, alone in silence. My husband is a functioning alcoholic and hurls hurtful insults at me when he is drinking. I foolishly thought that things would be different after getting married – but so far, it doesn’t look like there will be any improvement. Things have just gotten worse. In just one month. Last week, he was fall-down drunk 3 nights out of 6. He got to the point that he blacked out and remembers nothing. He tells me not to greet him at the door with hugs/kisses/conversation – because he needs his silence and needs to “zone out”. Then he reaches for his bottle, and pours himself drink after drink. I used to try to put him in a better mood, and to try to put a smile on his face. Now, it is just a scowl and he is unhappy all the time. We don’t laugh together. We don’t do anything together. I no longer have the desire to drink like I used to when we first met. I found that we fought more when I had a few drinks, and I didn’t like who I was when I was drinking. Now I might have a glass of wine with dinner, and that’s it. My husband has dropped hints on a few occasions that I should drink more like the “old Jen”, but I just don’t want to. I feel so alone, and hated. I am losing the willingness to even talk to him or to try to put a smile on his face. It doesn’t work anymore. I am constantly blamed for everything. I am regretting signing up for this….I am sad way more than I am happy.

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