What do you think about anger?

Published by at 3:58 pm under Common Concerns

Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery from Al-Anon Family Groups. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Today we have with us a young woman who is a wife, a mother, a school teacher, and a member of Al-Anon Family Groups. She has agreed to talk with us about anger.

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145 comments

145 comments on “What do you think about anger?”

  1. Susan says:

    I found a shopping bag of empty beer cans in the trunk of the car when I went grocery shopping the other day. He tells me he has been doing better with his drinking. He just gets better at hiding it. I can’t look him in the eye any more and feel hurt, angry, and betrayed. We have a 1 year old and I don’t want her to grow up without a father. At the time when I was pregnant he had been court ordered to blow into a machine every couple of hours to make sure he wasn’t drinking. Was the best year of our entire relationship because he did not drink. When I ask him to stop, he says “what do you want me to do sit here and be a saint?” I thought having a baby would make him want to be a better person and quit drinking so much. It is never ending and I don’t want to raise my daughter in this environment. I should have left him years ago but a I am apparently co-dependent and need to help myself.

  2. Claire says:

    I am so mad at my husband. I got into another row with him last week in which I actually said I wish he would die. I obviously didn’t mean it, but I am so pushed to a point of not knowing how to make this any better.

    He is in complete denial about his drinking. He drinks every day of his life. He is drunk every night of the week. He has been doing this since he was 18. He is now 42.

    I blame myself for not getting to know him before I got pregnant. I thought he was just a typical single bloke that liked a few beers. Now I want a divorce because he won’t even acknowledge that he has a problem.

    I can tell his alcoholism is getting worse. He drinks secretly and hides bottles everywhere. He is getting short with the kids. He blames me for everything. I feel like things are only going to get worse.

    I wonder if I should start going to Al-Anon meetings. I am so busy with two kids under three and now I have to spend my only free time dealing with this. I cannot describe how angry and hurt I am.

  3. Angela says:

    I am married to a functioning alcoholic for 13 years. I’m at my breaking point with him. I’m reading all the comments and have been all over the internet, reading and reading and reading. I’m really becoming hopeless.

    He says he will stop and get help. I told him I was done. But all I keep reading is that this a common occurrence. And yes I’ve heard it before too. I don’t know if there is really any hope for him. I think my marriage is over and we have 2 beautiful boys. This sucks.

  4. Kell says:

    I’m angry when noon comes around because that’s when my husband starts drinking. I feel abandoned and alone because he becomes this bitter person I don’t love. I feel angry because I love the other person and feel guilt for wanting to leave someone so vulnerable. I feel desperately low and depressed and hate myself for getting so angry because of his drinking. I hate myself so much.

  5. Sara says:

    I have spent so many years trying to detach, that now I feel numb about my alcoholic husband of 13 years. I want to recount how I feel, exactly. I want to include all the tears, emotional hurts, mental injuries incurred during fruitless mind-games initiated by him. I want to incite and list every wrong, every lie, every shattered family relationship, every broken promise. I want to talk about all the times I cried alone, wishing I had a better life, bitter, scared and angry. I have spent years drowning in empty neglect. And yes, I am furious with him.

    But I also feel overwhelmingly guilty. Guilt is my constant companion. I feel such intense guilt that I don’t feel the same way about him that I used to, that I am so detached I don’t know how to get back to him, not that I want to.

    I feel guilt that I harbor such intense dislike and also apathy toward someone who is not a bad person, but a horribly sick person. And it’s the guilt now that I don’t know what to do with. Anger is one thing. So is sadness. So are shame and confusion, but guilt is a beast of a different nature. And right now, I feel that it is winning. I no longer know how to feel or what to do. In fact, I don’t think there is a right answer, not in this game that has no winners or rules. I think, in the end, everyone playing this game loses more than they ever realize.

  6. Becki says:

    Wow! Reading all of this is just shocking. I guess I’m not the only one that feels stupid for putting up with this stuff. I live with a severe alcoholic. And I mean severe. Every other week, he goes on a 5-day binge. His binges are 24 hours each day. He gets drunk, passes out on the couch, gets up, goes to his secret hiding place, guzzles some more, lays back on the couch, wakes up, goes to his hiding place, guzzles — never ending.

    He never takes a break from that cycle until the 5th day. He can’t drive because he has a blower on his truck due to a felony DUI he received last year during a work trip to Texas. I was praying that they would put him in jail. I’m still praying that he screws up and ends up going to jail.

    That’s just what he’s been doing in the past year. Before that, he would go on business trips and end up spending 5 days drinking 24 hours straight in hotel rooms, so that 3-day trips ended up being 2-week trips. I loved those days — at least I got a break.

    But, I’ve noticed lately that even when he’s sober, I’m so angry and resentful that I really don’t like him. He’s weak and he’s a whiner. He is never accountable and everyone else is to blame for his problems. I’m sick of his drama. I’m the woman — I’m supposed to bring the drama. Kidding.

    We haven’t slept in the same room in about 5 years. He claims that he has trouble sleeping so he sleeps on couch. I know that it’s because he needs to be close to his bottle. I am grateful for that. I don’t want to sleep with him or near him.

    Why am I staying, I bet you’re asking. I’ve raised his two daughters and they’re both off to college now. I adopted two of my sister’s boys and they’re almost grown now. Here’s the crux — we bought a house together. However, it would have taken an ounce of work for him to do what was needed to get on the loan — God forbid! The loan is in my name only and stupid ol’ me decided that since he does pay half the mortgage and contributes to the household, I would put his name on the deed.

    So, if I leave, he could ruin my credit. I ask him to leave and he says he doesn’t have to, it’s his house. I wish he would raise his hand in anger at me just one time! I’d call the cops so fast, his head would spin. Unfortunately, he’s the sloppy, crying drunk, not the mean drunk. He raised his voice at me a couple of weeks ago and I just held up the phone I was carrying. I said, “Talk to me again — please. I’m dying to call 911.”

    I know I’m coming across as heartless, but I’ve been dealing with this for 12 years. I’ve done everything in my power and given chance after chance after chance. I’ve done everything right. I’ve coped with it, I’ve helped him keep a semblance of a relationship with his kids, which I didn’t really want to do because it isn’t in their best interest. I’ve not cheated, I work hard, make a good living, take care of everything.

    I’m so angry I could spit. I want out and I want out now. I just have to do it smart, so that I’m not paying for it later.

  7. Maria says:

    I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. With all these comments, I feel sad that things won’t improve. I’m worried. I don’t want to spend my life looking back, thinking I shouldn’t have stayed, or kept giving him one more chance.

  8. G says:

    I am angry at my dad, a man who has everything and chooses to drink and smoke his time away, then complain about feeling lonely and bored. I am sick of listening to his self-obsessed rants. I’m not his counsellor, I am his daughter.

    Because of growing up with this dysfunction, I have attracted drug and alcohol abusers into my life — lying, selfish addicts. I am fed up with spending time around this and am currently distancing myself from that messed up way of living.

    I am angry that life has sent this my way, but on the other hand very grateful that they have not dragged me down to their level. I am now very careful who I spend my time with. My father, I will always love unconditionally, but I can’t worry about him anymore — that’s not fair!

    Friends who are going down that route, I am leaving go. It’s a lonely and scary journey, weaving my path around unsafe people, but in the long run I have too much respect for myself to do anything less.

  9. Linda says:

    I am so angry. I feel like I have wasted the last 20 years of my life. Don’t know who I am more angry at — my husband or myself.

    Have left my husband twice, only to return cause he “promised” things would be different. When I asked him why he lied, his response was, “It’s the only way I could get you back.” I am so depressed.

    We are like roommates — no intimacy. Am not sure how much longer I can live this lonely life.

  10. Valerie says:

    I don’t know how it went from so good to so bad. I am embarrassed and scared to death, and the anger is eating me up. I read the comments and it really helped ease the pain and it got me through the afternoon.

    Logically I know it is the alcohol and drugs, but I can’t get past the hurt, the loneliness or the sadness. I hate the disinterest I feel towards everything except my insane thoughts about how he is going to get better, grab me close and kiss me intimately before telling me how sorry he is, but it never happens and as I get closer to realizing it never will, the sadness for what used to be is overwhelming. I am at a crossroads.

  11. Vernie says:

    I am so angry with my husband of 29 years. His dad was an abusive alcoholic, he grew up watching his mother get beaten. He hated growing up like that. Yet here he is, once again drunk!

    He doesn’t beat me, but he is emotionally abusive all the time. I hate the smell as soon as I walk through the door, even if he is upstairs, his breath smells like he’s rotting inside. And it makes him stupid and then he lays here like a bum and falls asleep. And I won’t get any sleep cause he always snores when he’s drunk!

    He’s never been good with money, so we’re always broke. But he manages to constantly borrow or get credit at the store. He has lied to me so much about so many things, I’m just tired of our marriage. Sometimes I feel like I hate him.

  12. cn says:

    So angry that my pothead husband thinks he doesn’t have a problem, because it’s not alcohol he’s using. He doesn’t care enough about me to quit.

  13. Lisa says:

    I have been reading these posts and they are helping me a lot.

    I have been married to an alcoholic for 6 years and I’m so angry! I can’t believe I have stayed this long. He was drinking before we got married, but I didn’t know how much and how often. It would start with little arguments about his drinking too much. I had seen my grandfather slowly die from alcohol abuse and never want to go through that again.

    So he would promise to quit and get help, then a week later he would be drinkin again. I wouldn’t say no, because when I did we would fight about it. Got to the point where I was so tired of fighting all the time I would just give in to have a good night.

    Then came the lying about not drinking and hiding it when he did. Swearing he has not had a drink, believing that I could not tell. The lies, broken promises and hurtful words have slowly chipped away at me to the point where I do not trust my husband at all and do not believe anything he says.

    This time he swears is different. “I didn’t know I hurt you”, “I’ll do it this time I promise.” I’ve heard it all before and I don’t want to — No, I can’t get hurt again. I have decided to file for divorce and pray he gets the help he needs.

    I don’t know what the future will hold for either of us, but I do know that we both need to heal and get well — but it can’t happen together.

  14. Juliana says:

    I am so angry! I’ve been married for 20 years. My husband always drank, even before we got married, but I thought it was normal – social drinking – that everyone did, including me! But it got worse as our lives changed – kids, a house, job, finances. He abused alcohol to numb himself of life’s struggles and challenges. He gained weight. Every time we went out anywhere together – to a nice restaurant, out with friends, a wedding, etc – he got drunk. Even when he said he wouldn’t, he did. He ruined so many moments that should have been lovely memories.

    My life has been a roller coaster. Every time he drank and treated me horribly, he would wake up the next day and tell me he’s sorry and that he wants to change. He’s been depressed – hates his job, hates his body. So a couple of years ago he had bypass surgery and lost a lot of weight. He started to exercise. I thought things would change, but they only got worse.

    His surgery left him intolerant to alcohol. He drank less, but got drunk quicker. He has less room for food in his stomach and would fill it with booze before nutrition. In January of this year he got so drunk and came at me with his hands around my neck. Our 15-year-old son had to intervene. I kicked him out, but took him back 2 weeks later after he begged me and I felt sorry for him.

    I recently found a water bottle in his truck filled with vodka and realized how stupid I have been. He’s been hiding it from me for years and I have been a fool. We are now separated. He says he wants to get help and is trying, but I don’t see it. I am so angry for staying so long and for believing things could be better. I miss the man I met 25 years ago. My best friend and soul mate is gone and I feel so alone.

  15. Lesley says:

    As I read all these posts, I realize I am extremely angry with my husband’s drinking. I have been with him for almost 20 years, and when we met we were both addicted to anything that would get us high. We quit the meth and moved on to alcohol. 14 years ago he gave me an ultimatum — either I quit drinking or he was taking our children and leaving me. I chose to quit because I was/am an alcoholic. I haven’t drank since.

    I am so sick of the babysitting when he drinks. When he does/says stupid stuff, I am beyond embarrassed. It’s gotten to the point where I spend more and more time in my room, because I don’t want to deal with it. He is not abusive to me in any way, shape or form, wants to be intimate and is very loving, but I can’t get past his drinking. He is a functional alcoholic — because he doesn’t/hasn’t ever missed a day of work, he doesn’t feel it’s a problem.

    These posts have helped me a lot on deciding whether to go to Al-Anon, I will look for a meeting stat. Thank you all for your words and I hope each and every one of your situations gets better.

  16. dina says:

    I’ve been married 27 years to a functioning alcoholic. First I stayed because of our children, then I stayed because of the financial stability. Then we lost over 1/2 of our life savings. Through it all he has failed to show physical affection, but professes deep love.

    Now at 54, I find I am bitter and resentful. I cannot stand his drinking, the smell, his passing out, snoring. I have threatened to leave him for years. I don’t know if I can resign myself to this life forever. I am attractive and in good shape. But I really am starting to hate him.

  17. Sam says:

    I am so angry at my mother. She is an alcoholic and she knows it. She lies all the time and yells all the time. I’m sick of it. I don’t want my kids around her. She is so selfish. She told us all that she has seen an AA sponsor and she said this person told her she wasn’t an alcoholic.

    She is a mean drunk. She yells at everything and everyone. She tries to drive and throws things when we take and hide her keys. She treats my dad horribly and calls him names. She says all these mean, nasty things and then the next morning acts all nice. She repeats things over and over because she can’t remember anything.

    This may seem like something little, but last night was my final straw. I went out for supper and drinks with some friends for a birthday. She called me 4 times and the last time I answered and asked why she kept calling me. She yelled at me saying I was the one that called her.

    I don’t get out a lot and when I do she has to ruin it. I am very controlled in my drinking. I hardly ever drink alcohol because I will never do what she does.

    My husband likes to have a couple drinks on the weekend and because of her I find myself not even being able to enjoy one drink with my husband every now and then. I avoid going out because I hate what alcohol can lead to.

    As I sit here ignoring my mother’s tenth call today, avoiding the inevitable “brightness” of her calling, like she did nothing last night. I’m becoming more and more bitter, and angry.

  18. Ally says:

    I am so angry with my boyfriend of four years. He always says he will stop drinking and never does. He just gets so out of control when he drinks. He ends up smacking me, punching me, choking me, throwing me around, throwing tables and chairs at me, etc. until the police get called by the neighbors because we live in an apartment building.

    He always accuses me of cheating when he’s drunk and he has no reason to. I have never and will never cheat. This past time I got his family involved because I just can’t deal with it alone anymore. I want to leave, but I just can’t. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, too.

    He spends all the money on alcohol, to the point where we can’t make our rent. It is devastating having to constantly ask my single mother for money. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so angry and beside myself. I feel so alone. No one understands why I don’t just leave.

  19. Jen says:

    I was married over 34 years to a wonderful man with an addictive nature, which I discovered 5 years into the marriage. I found him passed out in the chair in the wee hours of the morning with the TV rolling. Our son was only 6 months old and I told him it was us or the booze, that he couldn’t have both. Things were great after that as far as I knew. Eventually, he would go on to obtaining his ministerial license and we worked in Children’s Church. As he got older and our kids were also older, he insisted it’s OK to have a glass of wine so I allowed it, relaxing my standards. He began drinking more, which caused him to gain a lot of weight. He began having heart issues and he decided to have stomach bypass surgery.

    After surgery he lost a lot of weight and felt great. It wasn’t long though till he began drinking, since he couldn’t eat much. It now took less for him to get his high. If we went out to dinner, he would not hardly touch the expensive dinners but he’d drink and say he was OK to drive–jeopardizing us both. If I said anything, he accused me of thinking the worst of him. I stayed silent because I didn’t want anyone to know he was like this; I wanted people to think things were fine.

    Over a period of 15 years, he had to have heart ablation surgery, was diagnosed with chrones disease, then prostate cancer surgery which took him where no man wants to go, which was worsened by his drinking. All the while, I am begging him to stop drinking, that he’s killing himself and I don’t want to be a widow. Each time he was hospitalized, he promised me that he would quit.

    He continued to drink and went into the hospital again and was diagnosed with Level 4 esophageal ulcers and was told to limit the alcohol. He continued to drink and soon was admitted to the hospital and had to have 4 stints in his heart. I was forced to watch the man I loved literally kill himself. While in the hospital, his liver was tested and it was high. Again, I begged him to stop. He said he was a grown man and that he enjoyed it, that he took care of everything and it was his right.

    I began to take care of myself. I ran, exercised, ate right, worked hard at my job. I thought my healthy lifestyle would encourage him to follow along and be with me. It didn’t, though. He said I was trying to embarrass him in front of our neighbors.

    He continued drinking and said it helped him sleep, so I spent the last 3 years going to bed alone. I felt like my marriage was all on me. I witnessed a sweet, loving man become my devil. He was never there for me when I needed him, but I was always there to help him and to be his cheerleader.

    Then one day, he decided to drink and drive and got a DUI. He almost lost his job and he once again, promised to stop. He went to rehab for 2 weeks on his own will. In retrospect, it was to simply keep his job and make it look like he was trying. He got out of rehab and the very next day when I came home from work, he was passed out drunk. I found the booze in his car and I took it and put it in my car to dispose of. He begged me not to tell our kids and that if he did it again, he would let me go. The next morning was a good morning, we loved on each other, ate breakfast and went about our day. I received a call that afternoon that he had wrecked his car and was going to jail with his 2nd DUI. He refused to go back to counseling, so my son held an intervention. It was so moving, but it didn’t seem to phase him.

    I told him to leave and give me time to get through the situation. We went to a marriage counselor and tried to get through it, but he would lie and would not follow instructions. He became more and more irrational, drinking even more, and it was when he called me a liar to our kids I filed for divorce, thinking that would prove to him I was serious. He became violent to me and our friends. He was given a written warning from his employer that he would be randomly tested and that they would dismiss him immediately if he tested positive.

    He admitted himself several times to the hospital to detox. The last time they told him that he physically could not go through it again, that it could kill him.

    His boss was suspicious of him so he followed him and witnessed him purchasing alcohol. The next morning they called him in for testing. It was positive. He was dismissed. We were unable to make our house payments because all of our emergency funds were used to pay lawyers, fines and court costs.

    I knew deep in my heart he would continue to drink, so when he asked me if he had a chance of gaining me back, I told him no. It hurt me to tell him, but he killed the kind of love that it takes for a good marriage. However, we managed to later be friends and enjoy our first grandchild.

    We were scheduled to keep our granddaughter, and on the morning our kids were leaving, we noticed that his skin was very yellow, as were his eyes. I insisted on taking him to the hospital in spite of him saying he didn’t have insurance. He was admitted and two weeks later while still hospitalized, he passed away with liver failure, asities and acute alcoholic hepatitis. He had finally found his healing. He was no longer tormented by his demons.

    Today, one year later, I still dream of him, miss him and feel guilty that my kids’ dad is gone and wonder if I should have stayed to see if I could have done more. Such a tragic way to go for a man that was totally different in the beginning.

    I hope this helps someone. Knowing that you are not alone is so encouraging.

  20. Pam says:

    My fiancé is 75 days sober. I wanted him to go to sober living after rehab. He was insistent to come home and be with me and our twins. My codependent side caved in and agreed it would be better if he came home, knowing if I said no, he would probably go to his enabling in-denial parents’ home (which would probably make things worse for me).

    He has been home two weeks and I’m am so angry all the time! I feel more alone than I was while he was gone. I am proud of how focused he is on his sobriety–he works in the mornings (part time), goes to the gym after, sometimes tanning, AA meetings daily and after-care three nights a week. I am left to still maintain the house, take care of our twins, figure out the bills, as I have been the sole provider for our family, and haven’t been able to work more than a couple of days a week due to his schedule.

    When I try and bring up the work issues and bills, he deflects by saying he is doing all he can right now. I feel like a nanny for our kids and a mother to him, rather than his future wife. I tell him I’m unhappy and he tells me to go to a meeting to understand him better.

    I went to my first meeting today, which only confirmed to me I need to work on being happy for myself. I’m important too. Now I need to continue to go, to focus on letting go of my codependent side, and be strong enough to move forward, even if that means without him.

  21. McEntire says:

    I have been married for 34.5 years to a functioning alcoholic. I feel angry with myself for not heeding the advice of a trusted friend before I got married. I feel angry with myself for thinking I deserved to be treated poorly.

    And I feel angry with myself for trying to fix the situation by improving myself, and that while I put effort into weight loss and my personal appearance and worked on my sexual intimacy issues, he continued to drink.

    While there is discomfort in the anger, it also feels like a healthy transition for me. At least I am standing up for myself and not playing the part of the victim now. I am taking care of myself for my own sake and making decisions based on what is best for me.

    Still, I know that from a logical perspective, this anger can be wasted energy. It would be better to dance, sing, laugh. I am angry that I have wasted so many years trying to fix an unfixable situation.

  22. Ashley says:

    This is not my first time with an alcoholic. The father of my two wonderful, wonderful children had a severe addiction problem–from alcohol to heroin. We had our first child when we were 22 years old. I knew I wanted to be a mom and I really didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up.

    My babies’ daddy knew he couldn’t do this. I don’t think he wanted to at first. He did, but he still did his young behavior thing, going to parties, not coming home at all. We broke up, but he still lived with me.

    We separated and got back together and had our second daughter. I thought this is great! He’s not beng sneaky anymore, not hiding it. Ha, ha, ha–that lasted for a good two months. My whole second pregnancy he was doing heroin. When he told me, I couldn’t help but laugh. During my times with him, I found myself being crazy jealous. I really thought I was not that way, but I was.

    I finally left. I was getting my stuff together, taking care of myself, just being me. I loved it so much. I thought I met the man who was going to be my best friend forever. I knew he drank, he was never out of control. I always thought he had control. He has to have a beer or liquor–more beer, though.

    We got married two years ago. I find myself on the same roller coaster ride again. Anger–I get super angry. It’s the worst when he is drunk. He thinks I am too emotional and he is not, so I have to deal with it on my own.

    I find being with an alcoholic, I become emotional and angry and physical. I noticed today that he is now hiding it a bit from me. I was angry, then I cried. Then I went on the web site, and listening to this podcast took a weight off my shoulder, to let it go and take care of me and my kids.

    He knows his problem is up to him to make a change. I know I have mine. So as of today I am doing me, which makes me the happiest.

  23. Missy says:

    I am angry and sad and always feel as if I’m walking on eggshells when he is around. For years and years I thought he would stop drinking–for himself, for me, for our kids. I met him this way–always a drinker. And when I think back I am so angry at myself for putting me into this situation that has literally destroyed who I used to be. See now, 13 years and 5 kids later, I feel stuck. I don’t know what to do. I have no support and I suffer alone.

    My situation is different. Mostly he is angry and short-fused when he is not drinking. He is a functioning alcoholic. When he drinks he becomes the nice easy-going man I need him to be. What kind of person does that make me?

    But then there are the times he drinks too much–the times I have wakened up in the middle of the night to find him doing sexually abusive things to me. Or the times that he is so knock-down stumbling drunk–his gait all wobbly, his pupils all big.

    It’s the sober belittling. It’s me whom I feel I have to run and hide when he’s coming home. It’s me who knows that soon my young kids will catch on. It’s me who finally realized I have absolutely no control over him. It’s me who checks the cc statements and secretly keeps a log of how much he spends on vodka. He drinks a bottle every other day–so 1/2 bottle a day. He thinks he hides it. And if I ever ask, “Is that a drink?” The answer is always, “Oh, I just poured it.”

    But I smell it every day–pungent, from his breath and pores. I pretend to not know–because after literally years and years of promises to stop drinking, I know he won’t. He self-medicated himself for years with this and me bringing up medication to deal with his real issues only makes him angry and says he doesn’t need that because he’s not “crazy.”

    By the way, I do take anxiety medications. I need them.

    So every once in a while I cry. I cry for me, who is too afraid to make a move to change. I cry for my kids who will most likely be affected by his alcoholism. I cry for him who is killing himself, and I hate myself because the signs were all there prior to us getting married–but apparently I didn’t think I deserved to be treated better.

  24. Das says:

    My husband is also a functioning alcoholic. Keeps saying he wants kids, but doesn’t think it affects him in this sense. As for me, I am afraid. I will be 37 next year and well really wonder if I have wasted all this time.

    I grew up with an alcoholic father and do not want to have kids in a similar situation. He says I have issues with my dad, which is why I have issues with his drinking. I think it’s my fear because I know better. But I feel so stuck right now.

    I’m at his mother’s for Christmas and last night they were up till 2 am drinking. So she will never help me. I want to go, but then I get drawn back in. It’s really difficult. I doubt myself a lot. I am depressed and angry. I feel very protective of my personal life and give a different impression to what it is. I guess I feel ashamed. I wish I could walk away. I wonder if they ever change, especially if their parent does the same.

  25. Oliver says:

    I’m 22 years old and until 6 months ago was a severe junkie who couldn’t do anything without being high, until one day my long time boyfriend and father of my 3 small children lost everything because of our addiction–our home, our car, our love, our respect, our dignity, our pride. About 6 months ago I quit doing all the drugs I was doing. I had a few relapses along the way, but I do not deny that.

    Currently I am sober from all drugs and alcohol and working hard to put my life back together, but my new reality is the love of my life is not on the same page. He still uses occasionally, as he minimizes it–which really hurts me to the core, because he seems like he doesn’t think he has a problem and doesn’t want to stop.

    I’ve cut off all associates, because everyone does the same thing every day. Their lives aren’t going anywhere, and it makes me sad my boyfriend won’t stop hanging out with the same junkies and just focus on himself and us, his family. He is such a good man, but he is also broken.

    I can see his sadness in his eyes. I love him more than anything. I just want him sober and to really try. I’m so sick of all the nasty fighting and name-calling, tearing each other down. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t keep living like everything is ok when it’s not.

  26. Katie says:

    I am angry at myself for marrying him. At him, for manipulating me constantly. Calling me names when he’s drunk, and then saying “sorry” the next day, as if that changes anything. I hate him when he’s drinking. I’m disgusted by his rude and inappropriate behavior.

    I’ve almost forgotten who he is without the alcoholism. He refuses to get help, or even admit his problem. We no longer have intimacy. I don’t trust him emotionally. I am heart-broken, mourning the loss of my marriage. I blame him wholeheartedly, and I’m too angry to be compassionate. Too angry to even help myself. And when the anger lifts, I’m left with terrible sadness.

  27. Brandi says:

    I am so frustrated. My husband just got out of jail for his 5th DUI. He was sentenced to a 3 month program in the prison system, but he was in jail for 6 months before even going to the prison for the program. So technically when he got out he had nine months of sobriety.

    He has now been out for about 2 months and although he has not relapsed and drank, he is completely irrational and angry all the time. We go 3-5 days and he’s loving and the wonderful husband that he can be. But then he turns into the total jerk that accuses me of anything from not caring about him to cheating on him.

    He keeps bringing up an old boyfriend of mine from over ten years ago, who lives 600 miles away and I don’t have contact with, and he tells me to go be with my ex. All my husband seems to want to do is have sex–not normal marital sex, but way off-the-wall nasty stuff. When I say no to his “requests,” he starts screaming how I don’t love him, I don’t care about him, his feelings don’t matter. He gets nastier and nastier with the name calling. I don’t know what to do.

    Currently he is in a halfway house and I’m living with his grandmother, because he put us in dire straights when he went to jail this time. We lost our home, our vehicles, everything. We only get to see each other 1-2 times a week due to no transportation and him being 25 miles away. I don’t know how to deal with this. And I need to add that he also has borderline personality disorder, so that just compounds the problem.

  28. Terry says:

    I have been with my husband for 15 years and married 10. He is nasty belligerent and everything is about him all the time. If I get angry about it, he calls me names and gets tired of me nagging.

    My husband was also diagnosed with type 2 diabetes 2 years ago and he thinks he will be fine as long as he takes his medication. He was told by the doctors to stop drinking and he now drinks even more, 15-20 beers a night, and if he runs out he raids the wine rack sometimes. He spills beer all the time when he drinks. He falls asleep in his chair every night.

    I left my 17-year-marriage and wonder every day if I should have stayed with ex-husband. Even though we had issues, it is nothing like being married to an alcoholic. In the beginning he was great, we went to church, shared family vacations with our kids, took walks and exercised. Now we do nothing together. We share no intimacy, because I refuse to be with him when he is drunk and basically that is every night.

    The really bad part is we lived in separate states for a long time due to our children and I sometimes wonder if he had the issue there, just not as bad. I think he was better back then because the kids were at home. When they left, he became worse.

    I gave up all of my possessions to move here. I paid for a storage unit for 2 years because we were hoping to move into a bigger place. I was unable to sell my house due to the market and therefore had to auction all of my possessions. I have replaced some items, because he doesn’t care about what we have. He does not help with car expenses, car insurance, but he makes sure he brings a 30-pack of beer home every other night. He used to be so kind and considerate and now he is evil pure evil.

    I do not like him and really feel like I don’t have anybody to share this with. I feel like a failure and I will never be happy again. I have wasted a lot of time with him and he refuses to get help. He says if I don’t like it, leave. But at this moment I don’t have the money to leave.

    My son lives with us too and he is in college. He doesn’t like the way he talks to me and uses me. He stays up all night long and gets up at 2, never helps me with his dogs or anything else. I wish I could redo my life, but it is way too late.

    I am so sorry for all or anybody who has to go thru this. I would like to attend Al-Anon and feel I need to, because I have become a very bitter person. I came from a family with loving parents. My father never abused my mom mentally or physically. Sometimes the mental abuse is worse than physical because it really makes you feel like you are not worth anything. I hate going places because you see happy families smiling and loving each other. I wish I could have that again.

  29. katie says:

    My situation is now my adult children spend their time drinking at their father’s house when they are visiting from out of town. My daughter has just turned legal drinking age so they & all their friends go out to his house.

    I miss my kids all the time & now get less time with them. I do not drink alcohol. My only time with my kids this holiday weekend was them hung-over. He has all the money and all the fun trips and I am feeling alone and hurt. He knows I will never drink alcohol, but all the partying is awful for me. Thanks.

  30. Leath says:

    I have been with my partner for 5 years and I am extremely angry! I used to drink socially when we met, but realized I could not cope with his drinking while I was also doing it, so I stopped.

    He used to get violent and hit me, but due to police intervention he had to do an anger management course and has since stopped. I now find myself so angry that I will push him and scream at him. He says nasty things and is constantly accusing me of sleeping around, etc. Nothing I seem to do or say will change his mind.

    I have told him he can’t come to my home if he is drinking. Therefore, at least 3 nights a week I will not hear from him or see him. He might call me from work and make plans with me during the day while he is sober, only to turn his phone off when he finishes work and be uncontactable.

    He will turn up at least once a week drunk, thinking it will go unnoticed and he is doing a good job of hiding it. But he has nasty jabs at me and mutters to himself, saying horrible things about me. While I am trying to put the baby to sleep, he will even turn music up and dance around on his own. It almost feels like he won’t stop until I possibly can’t take anymore and scream at him.

    Tonight we went to a trophy night for him, as he wanted his daughter there. He promised he wouldn’t drink, but that was obviously a lie. I had a lady come up to me and say, “He should get father-of-the-year, he talks about his baby so much.” I couldn’t believe the stupidity of this woman to think all you have to do to be a great father is talk about your child.

    I had another man whom I’d met previously say, “Are you and him back together? I thought he was with that other bird.” I just shook my head. There’s not a doubt in my mind he cheats. I don’t even care that he does. I only keep up the facade of being in a relationship with him, as I have no real interest in being in a relationship and feel that this keeps the peace, as every time I have broken it off with him he goes on vicious character-ruining tirades to everyone I know.

    The days he is sober he is angry and blaming me for everything, saying I don’t show him love. He expects me to tickle his back and cuddle him and have sex with him. Then he takes a sleeping tablet and is asleep within an hour of being home.

    While he is at work he will call me up to 15 times a day, wanting to video chat and making me walk the phone around the house so he can see no one else is here. When he is off drinking, he has no interest in what I do or who might be at my house. (Not that there ever is anyone, it just doesn’t make sense to me.) I get no rest, which I really need having a newborn, but he doesn’t care. He contributes exactly $0 to the household in any way and I feel that after writing this I just need him out of my life.

    I’m exhausted and would really like to start attending Al-Anon meetings. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

  31. James says:

    I feel more guilt for leaving my wife of six years than I can handle. She has bipolar and drug addiction problems. I feared for the safety of my son and the stability of his upbringing.

    She had been removed from the home and should have been in rehab. Instead she wanted to try to function on her own. That was four weeks ago. Now she is homeless and totaled the truck she had gotten in the divorce.

    I want to help her, but she has to want to help herself. There are constant insinuations that she doesn’t want to live and how bad her situation is. I don’t want her to hurt herself and I am worried she might.

  32. michelle says:

    I will try for five Al-Anon meetings and two A.A. meetings a week. I didn’t think I needed back-to-back meetings, but the drinking got worse.

  33. Charlie says:

    Tonight I’m sleeping on the couch–well, trying to. He is still shouting abuse down the stairs after he came down to call me names. Sick of being called ugly, sick of crying. So hard to try and support someone when they talk to you like crap. Every time he says something hurtful I cry. You think I would be numb to it by now.

    Everything I do or say is wrong, or me getting at him. He is so defensive all the time. Feel like I’m walking on eggshells. The mood swings are awful. I hate the noise of the cans open and the drink pouring into the glass. I never know what he means when he’s saying horrible things. He says he doesn’t mean them, but I think he does. My confidence is in tatters and my heart’s broken. It’s not me he’s in love with. It’s alcohol and that’s what kills me the most.

  34. Samantha says:

    I have been married to an alcoholic for 21 years. I have gone through so many emotions through those 21 years. Dismay, repulsion, hurt, shame, but my latest emotion is anger. I am so angry with myself for believing that my love and devotion would someday bring him back to the man he use to be. I’m angry with myself that I let myself get so dependent on his financial support that I can’t find my way out of this depressing life I am living.

    My son is going to turn 18 soon and I know he is looking to fly the nest and get away from his father’s BS. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just never thought this journey would be so long. I’m not sure what my next step will be, but I sure hope it is in the right direction because this sink hole I’m living in is not where I want to be.

  35. Brenda M says:

    I feel upset and angry all the time lately. That is, when I’m not crying. My alcoholic fiance, boyfriend, I don’t know what he is anymore, has an angry look on his face all the time and breaks things. He looks at me with disgust and says rude, nasty things to me. I am a very attractive person and have a good attitude most of the time and I’m nice to people, but he makes me feel unlovable and like there’s something wrong with me for being angry with him for his alcohol and drug use.

    He had a drug dealer at my house the other day and invited him on the deck for a drink after I said I didn’t want him in the house. I left and when I came back they were drinking beers and meandering around the yard. I lost it.

    I have kicked him out so many times before but haven’t been able to make the break. I feel broken inside and I blame a large part of that on him. I don’t feel valued at all. And that makes me angry. I have no worth in the relationship. It’s like I don’t exist.

  36. Aster says:

    I am so angry with myself for allowing my children and myself to continue to go through this. I am angry because at this point I no longer have any hope that it will get better. I do not believe him anymore when he says “this time” will be different, and yet I still cannot follow through with making him leave and stay gone.

    I’m so angry with him for all the cruel and heartless things he says when he’s drunk, and the cheating and betrayals of trust, and expecting me to just forget about it because, after all, he would “never have said or done those things sober.”

    I’m angry because I want to have the life and the relationship that we had in the beginning, before the alcohol changed him, and me. I want to still want him and be near him and be intimate with him, but I have so much anger with him, that I don’t think he deserves my kisses and my cuddles. But I want to stuff my anger for the sake of making us happy together, but then the good times are all just put on, aren’t they?

    So angry at myself for being such a doormat. Angry that I don’t trust myself anymore. I know that splitting up is best for me and for the kids, but I can’t trust myself to do it and stick with it. I think things would be easier if he just crashed his truck and died, and I’m angry at myself for feeling that way.

  37. Terri says:

    I have a lot of anger with my functional alcoholic husband. He makes decisions without me, he talks in the singular mode instead of we –it is always I this and I that. I do feel alone and I hate myself for being in this situation. I continue to attend Al-Anon program and I do need to work it more and really want it to work for me. I just get so frustrated and lonely and tired of it all.

    All I can do is one day at a time.

  38. Peggy says:

    Anger is sometimes lessened when we work the Steps of Al-Anon. Step One is accepting we are powerless over alcohol. We are also powerless over the alcoholic. We can’t control them–only ourselves.

  39. Erika says:

    I have been married for 9 years, with an alcoholic. We have three wonderful girls. I have tried leaving him, but I can’t understand why it’s so hard to do. He is a great person when he is not drunk and he will go months without drinking, which leads me to believe that he is trying. But once he falls off the wagon, there is no stopping what’s coming. Anything will make him mad. Then the name calling–his favorite is fat ____.

    I have been hit, pushed, spit on. I am so angry that he keeps putting us thru this that once he starts calling me names I do the same. I have said horrible, hurtful things because I want him to hurt as much as I do.

    I hate myself for putting myself in this situation and for the horrible example I’m setting for my girls. I can’t explain or make anyone understand how hopeless and alone I feel. I truly feel trapped. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  40. Sarah says:

    Anger and frustration is all I feel–even after 16 months of my partner being sober. I’m still living with a man who tells me he loves me but doesn’t show it. He doesn’t want to kiss me, touch me or be intimate with me in any way. He doesn’t want to talk or listen or laugh or love. I feel like I’m only here to cook, clean and sort out his business.

    When I try and tell him how I feel, he dismisses me and tells me not to be stupid and wonders how I could even think that, because he gave up drinking and he continues to be sober for me–to save our relationship. I feel like we don’t have a relationship. We’re more like business partners. We don’t do anything or go anywhere together. I feel lonely and frustrated and angry and confused all of the time. I feel like I give too much of myself and get nothing in return. I feel like it’s my fault I can’t make him happy. I feel like that by asking him to show me love I’m putting pressure on him and pushing him towards drink, rather than helping him to stay sober.

    I feel like I’m no good for him at the same time as feeling like he doesn’t want me. I’m scared all the time that I’m saying or doing the wrong things and the more I try to make him happy, the more I fail and the more unhappy I feel. I don’t know if he loves me or just needs me for now, and then when I’m used up he’ll move on, and I’m angry that I find myself in this position.

    I’m living my life for someone who’s lied and cheated and abused me physically and verbally in the past–but there was good in him and I stayed because I thought things would be different if he was sober. Things are different. Now he’s just cold and aloof, which somehow is so much worse than someone being jealous, angry and possessive–at least they were emotions. I’m lost and I don’t know what to do next for him or me.

  41. Terry says:

    How do I approach my husband from a loving place about his alcoholism when I am so angry at him for the things he said and did when he was drunk? I am angry that he always expects me to accept his insincere apologies for the violence and hatred he spews while he is drunk.

    I am so angry that he calls me fat and ugly, that he tells me that everything I do is worthless. My inner dialogue is becoming the hate-filled words he uses during his drunken tirades. I am not fat, I am not ugly, I am very intelligent, yet his angry words have overwhelmed my own confident nature and I am angry!

    I want to yell a him for throwing things at me while he was drunk. I want to scream at him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me during his drunk behavior. I hate the power he has over me because he can make me cry on a dime with his abusive drunken behavior.

    I used to be so strong! I find myself crying because I remember everything he said to me and he remembers nothing. He has the advantage of not remembering what he has said and therefore feels innocent and tells me I am lying or exaggerating about his abhorrent behavior!

    I am so angry that I cannot get on with my day, much less my life! What can I do to stop being so angry!

  42. Done says:

    I am going to attend my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. I am afraid and ashamed, but yet hopeful at the same time. All of the above I live with on a daily basis. Drinking, lying, quacking–all of it. I too am angry. Enraged would be closer to the truth.

  43. Evelyn says:

    I have protected him, defended him, scolded him, threatened to leave, promised to stay, watched as he put everything before his family. Watched him drink until he passes out a minimum of three nights awake. I’ve listened to promises of change, and then have seen a beer in his hand two days later because of a ‘stressful day’. I’ve listened to excuse after excuse…. ‘It’s his birthday’, ‘I’m stressed’, ‘it’s a holiday’. I picked him up from the bar when I was pregnant, on bedrest. I also stayed home alone while he spent an average of four nights a week in the bar during my pregnancy.

    I praised God when things seemed to get better after the birth of our daughter. And have recently watched as he fell back into his old routine. We are Cajun, and alcohol is part of the culture here. It is all around us. I have waited in fear, unsure of which personality I will meet each time it happens (angry, happy, pensive, etc).

    I have blamed myself. I have never told anyone these things. I have never let myself believe that I married an alcoholic. I did speak to a counselor and a priest. Both said he was borderline, but not quite there yet. What is the difference? It’s been two years of this. He gets angry and defends his decision to drink when I confront him. He promises he won’t drink, but continues to do so. He promised again today.

    I am angry that he has robbed me of my marriage. I am angry that he has drowned my best friend. I am angry that our eight-month-old daughter has seen him that way. I am angry that he has said and done things under the influence of alcohol that have scarred our marriage. I am angry that I have not one person to turn to about this. I am angry because I feel trapped in this marriage, financially, without relief.

    I am so angry all of the time. I used to not be this way. I was happy and nice and good. But I am angry with God. And I am angry with my husband. And I am not sure if I can stay in this marriage.

  44. Kristy says:

    I am angry. Angry at myself for staying so long. Angry about every time I believe his quacking. Angry that I let my good credit score get to the gutter. Angry I feel like a married single mother. Angry that my husband cannot or will not change. Angry that the one person I’m suppose to count on I cannot. Angry when I want 5 mins to myself to take a shower he drinks. Angry that I feel like I’m the only one trying to save the broken marriage. Angry that I don’t know how to deal with my anger, yet try to stuff it inside and then blow up. Angry that my kids have to deal with alcoholism. Angry that my husband sees me as the “enemy” to protect his drinking. Btw I do go to Al-Anon and anger is one of my foremost issues I’m working on.

  45. Wicki says:

    I feel such anger with my functional, workaholic alcoholic husband.
    I am angry he makes decisions without me. Is not intimate with me.
    Puts work, friends, clients etc. before us–unless it benefits him, EX our business, chores, meals, etc. but expects me to stop in the middle of whatever I am doing to help him.

    I feel alone & think friends & associates think I’m the issue because he seems so functional–unemotional, on schedule, in attendance, etc.

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