How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?

Published by at 11:19 am under Common Concerns

Pam, Anna, and Betty, all active Al-Anon members, are talking about how they deal with unacceptable behavior.

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614 comments

614 comments on “How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?”

  1. Amanda says:

    I have been with my husband since we were 16. We have 2 amazing kids. The drinking has been off and on for years. It has gotten worse over the last 5. He drink daily, but is a functioning alcoholic. He is a very mean drunk. Name calling, you name it he does it. To him he is fine and doesn’t have a problem. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot take another day fighting with him. The kids seeing him like this. I am a stay at home mom. I have no real money of my own. I have 3 dogs, 2 kids. Being on
    my own scares me to death. I wish I could just up and leave but something is keeping me here. I do love him with everything I am. I just want him to be the old guy he use to be. The one I married. The father he was to both our kids. I am glad I have found this. And have read all your comments. I am not alone. That in itself makes me feel a bit better.

  2. Mickayla says:

    The journey that I have taken with my husband who is an alcoholic seems unreal at times. It was not always this way. Like many of you in the beginning it was great. He was actually deeply involved with the church. There was a light that had drawn me in. I loved him so much to the depths of my soul. He at 1st didn’t want to be with me because I wasn’t on the same level of his religiousness. I have never been a follower someone that just does something because everyone else does. I had became pregnant with his son when I was 18 years old. He had asked me to marry him and of course I did! He was my soulmate so I thought. Our son was born premature at 29 weeks gestation. Talk about a rough time. During this time the drinking began. The drinking has not stopped in 8 years, We have 2 beautiful children together 6 and 7. I just found out I am pregnant. I am so scared for hope has run out. In so many ways it has gotten worse, He never has a job because either he cant hold one or he has no care to have one. All the responsibility is carried on my shoulders. I have never met someone so arrogant and delusional in my entire life. You think someone would be great full that stands by your side through the worst part of your life. He puts me down calls me names makes me feel so small. He blames me for who and what he has become. Everyday I feel more and more hopeless and that one string I have held onto is broke. He runs away all the time 2 to 4 days at a time getting drunk at his brothers. Can you imagine how I feel. Not knowing anything because his family cuts communication and he will not call. He comes home after the fun is over. I dont trust him. He doesn’t have sex with me anymore. He tells me how unattractive I am, as if he looks any better. I feel dead inside and lost. How can the man I loved with every part of my being do this to me and his kids. Put the name calling, lying everything aside. If his drinking doesn’t stop he will be dead or end up with serious health issues. I have no friends and my family does not like him, Can I blame them? He treats me like shit as if im worthless the one person that has stood by his side. His loyalty lies with his family the ones that dont give a shit. Why am I doing this to myself and my kids. Is this love or just complete insanity. Why should I allow myself to be put down and called names. Im comming to a place of hate. I want to understand, I want to say its because hes an alcoholic. Everyone has a choice. He chooses to be this way and get no help, he allows the word to come out of his mouth. He bites the own hand that bares his children and feeds him daily. It makes me sick. My grandmother has been with drunks her whole life and told me about Al-anon. I am thankful to have found this, As many of you probably feel alone. Our situations are nothing to be proud of and we are unable to live regular happy lifes due to the choice of someone else. So I am happy that I can open up to complete strangers who actually are not strangers at all. For as you read our stories we are one in the same.

  3. Jackie says:

    I am so frustrated. My husband of 30 yrs. who has been an alcoholic for most of that went into rehab for a month recently. He came out and started drinking the very first day. The drinking continued for the next month until I flipped out. He then went into Detox again with the intent for more rehab after but left on foot only four days afterwards prommissing he was changed etc. He drank for the next week and a half and then entered a different rehab for detox and rehab but two days later he calls me with this excuse and that excuse and is discharging himself. I am so emotionally and physically drained from dissappointment after dissappointment. I don’t know the answers are and have made so many excuses for him over the years. Just like everyone else says, I love him but I’m truly so very tired of this. After going to pick him up today from the rehab facility I continue to pray the Al-anon prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Dear God something has go to give.

  4. Cm says:

    My partner and i have been together 2 years now. At the start we went out together every week drinking until i realised he liked to continue drinking the next day. A few months in and he disappeared for 3 days. He promised he ewould never do that again but 2 months later it did, and every month after that for 4 months until i had enough.i rarely drink anymore for i constantly worry he will leave me for days on end. We split for 3 months but i then took him back as everytime he was genuienly sorry and he would never do it again. He does recognise there is a tendancy there for his drinking and has made massive progress with gettin himself together sincd we met. His finacial status has got better… he can go without a drink for months and it would not annoy him.He is the most genuienly loving most decent man i have ever met when sober. He would do anything for me and has the kindest heart…. except when hes had a drink. I took him back and agreed he can stick to a few beer now and again as he said it was just the spirit’s or shots that make him want to drink the next day. All went well for 6 months… we got engaged and a month later he went on another rampage… as we speak its tuesday…. hes been gone since saturday morning. Im a girl in my 20s and he is in his 30s. I constantly get promises that it wont happen again. I love this man with all my heart… he is well liked and the most generous friendly person you would ever meet and someday I know he will be a great father.my family adore him. I adore him.. how can i help him see what he will be losing.

  5. Ginger says:

    I have lost who I am…I don’t know how to feel, love, live without shame or embarrassment or to simply live normal. All I ask for is normalcy, does that even exist? I have built up so many walls to try my best protect my kids from seeing what their father does and how he behaves. I want them to grow up to be good strong men who don’t need to turn alcohol to hide their problems. I have been married for 23 years and the last 7 have been the most miserable in my life. I find it impossible to please or satisfy him, he is always so negative and i know that has rubbed off on me. I feel I have become cold and emotionless. We can’t agree on a simple things such as a place to eat. We know a lot of people but don’t have any true friends as they are all turned off on how he behaves. My family deals with him for the sake of keeping peace. We can’t even go on family vacations for my husband complains the entire time! How can a person not have fun with people they love? I still try to include him (because I feel I have to) on them but hope in the back of my mind that he doesn’t go or backs out at last minute. My kids and I have learned to have fun in our free time away from him. I think it’s terribly sad my child will say, when can we go somewhere – we need to get away from dad. After the last several months and one major incident – I finally had enough and filed for divorce. However, I have placed it on hold as he has said he will seek help. (something he’s never agreed to before). Me feeling as the guilty party agreed to see what he will do. He attended AA for about 4 days, then made some excuse not to go. When I busted him this weekend drinking again, he blamed me for saying he didn’t have to go to AA everyday – which i never said. Why do I feel the most guilt from this, why do I have to feel it’s my fault if I don’t give him a chance – why do I have to give him a chance when I truly know how this is going to play out. How long do I play this game? I don’t know if I even love him anymore – I feel I am just doing all of this out of emotions and i guess for some reason not to appear as the bad person for ending my marriage. I feel I would be that person who left when he was at his weakest, the person who didn’t give him a chance. This is so unfair, I have dealt with so much over the years why can’t it be easy! Deep down, I know I am a good person and deserve better, I guess it’s the unknown that is scary and somewhat forces me to stay. However, I do find myself gaining more courage and strength every day to do what’s best for me – just hope I know know when to say when……

  6. Mary jane says:

    Most of these women sound younger than I am but the story is the same. We love our dysfunctional mates to the point of losing our own identities n sometimes our possessions. My husband and I have been married 37 years. The last two have been legal separation. He turned into a ‘functional alcoholic’ n has been let go from several high-paying jobs for being ‘crazy’. I spent a year and one half with a relative to ‘heal’ but it was really hiding. We lost our house during divorce arguments. I can’t stand to look at certain homes because they remind me of ours. Our back yard was beautiful, like a park. I miss that too. I miss any feeling of being normal. I am next in line for a senior apartment n have moved to stay with my son for a couple of weeks. I resent living out of boxes and in someone’s extra room where available. I would like to be able to have my sewing machine set up n work on quilts. I have stuff that’s stored at three different places n feel like I may leave this world an inflict my kids n friends with disposal of my junk. I visited my ex recently n he has not given up drinking or smoking. He still tries to hide those habits from me. He’s just pathetic. At least now I can leave n not have to put up with the meanness or lies. All I ever wanted was a man who loved me. Somewhere he learned to love the bottle more. I don’t want anyone else to pick up
    After n lie to cover their dysfunction. I just want peace. Please pray for me.

  7. sarah says:

    Oh my god! I am so glad I found this. I am currently writing this in desperation as I am laying in my puddle of tears. Next week is my 16th anniversary and I have have been together with my husband for a total of 18 years. Over the past 6 or 7 years I have watched him get progressively worse with the alcohol and now he drinks almost daily and the hard stuff. Shot after shot after shot! He blaims his work schedule or his boss and says that if he got a different job it would all be different. I dont buy it. He is mean, and arrogant too. He calls our kids names and keeps them up all the time yelling. He has broke countless pieces of furniture and electronics
    During a drunken rages. I am always so on edge because sometimes he is really nice when he drinks and then its like a switch will flip and this a@# hole will jusy come out of nowhere. I try to do anything i can to keep that scary man from coming out and get so much anxiety the second he starts drinking because of what he will say or do. He will sometimes get really drunk all by himself and then stay up all night texting other woman. He says it is just friends but i have saw thw texts and they are way over the top flirtatious! I am exhausted and dont know what to do because I know that deep down under this mess he is in he is a great guy! I still love him and promised to be there through thick but all i want to do is escape!!

  8. Jane says:

    I fell in love with my husband’s smile, his kindness, his joy and confindence. We met in college and shared dreams of a great future both with high hopes and very driven. The problem began when he became stuck in a job that seemed to provide him with success in the form of open bar drinking parties and ‘title promotions’ that seemed like more like pay cutbacks for more work. It all didn’t seem right, but he was fooled and after 7 years of dedication, it was all over and they no longer needed him and several 100 other dedicated employees. He rarely drank when we met and when he did it was for fun. After this happened the reason he drank changed and the way he acted when he was drunk changed. He became a different person, he didn’t care about me, he would be blackout drunk and be verbally and mentally abusive. Now he is unemployed and has been for several months with an alcohol problem and a nicotine problem that I’m not sure how he is able to financially support. We have a young child and I have hope that one day he will wake up and be the man I fell in love with. My hope is fading and I don’t know how much longer I’m willing to wait.

  9. Yvonne says:

    Been with my husband for 20 years, 3 kids. Love him but when the drink takes hold…. right now he moved out the family home to try and get sober after going on a 3 day bender days after my aunt that raised me died. He had given up work, i work full time but have just paid the last of my secret money stash on the Mortgage, no idea what happens next month. Right now he is on a bender, mutual friends have contacted me to say he has been turning up at his old work in a state. He has been awol for 48 hours – where is he getting the money?
    Family and friends say leave him, why are you putting up with this. I cry, get angry, get strong, think I can cope, think I can’t take anymore. It is hell living like this and I hope, pray that he can get sober and be the amazing man I fell in love with – that is why I am still here – the hope.

  10. Jess says:

    My husband and I have been together for 11 years in may, married for 9 in April. We have a no children together but 3 each from previous marriages (a total of 6)two are grown and the other four live with us full time. We work for the same company and have had a pretty great relationship for the most part in my eyes…he is kind, caring and we have great conversations. Everything on that end is fine….but there is the drinking. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks almost daily and drinks from the time he gets home to the time he goes to bed during the week and starts early on Saturday afternoons and continues drinking through Sunday night on most occasions. This isn’t anything new. Normally we have a cycle. About once every three-four months he will do something really really stupid ending us up in a huge fight and then he will apologize and cut back for a while and then three-four months later, another incident will occur. I have been trying to convince him for years that alcohol is the reason for his troubles. He will never admit it and never quit. I have only asked him to quit completely once, and he did for a bout a year and then, he went back. I have always just asked him to cut back becuase i dont think there is anything wrong with a person have a drink or two every so often.

    One of my issues is that I like to drink also. Not often, but I like to have a drink on a Friday night while out to dinner. One or two is my highest limit. Not him. He starts drinking before we even go to the restaurant and continues long after. Then bad things happen. Like i said he is not mean, just…stupid. Lets start with the big bad things:

    -IN the first year we met, he had 3 DUIs resulting in thousands of dollars paid for him to go through ASAP and to get his license back which took four years. I had to drive him around for years. One of them was a hit and run where he ran into a house and i was in the passenger seat and went through the windshield. I was lucky to survive.
    -He got really really drunk along time ago (before he knew me) when he was in his early twenties and slept with his sister. (Mind you they didn’t know each other, they had just met but really, still.)
    -He shot someone in the hand by accident (again, long before he ever met me but still)
    -He lost custody of his boys to their grama because he overslept on the court date and it took 10 years for him to get custody back. He just got it back BTW
    -He is so far in debt, owes back taxes, overdrafts his bank account (no, we don’t share one) and has maxed out all of his credit cards…but he ALWAYS has money for a bottle. (He doesn’t drink the cheap stuff either. I’m talking Captain Morgan, folks.)

    Those are the things that scream out to me as “big”. Now lets talk about the small things.
    -He constantly sleepwalks. Naked, sometimes. I sleep with one eye open every night because I want to be sure he doesn’t walk naked into one of the kid’s rooms. While he has never done that, he has ended up in the backyard once, and one of the kids saw him naked.
    -The kids have no respect for him because he constantly tried to have serious conversations with them when he is drunk. He gets angry that they dont respect him and doesn’t know why. Heres your sign??
    -He is addicted to porn, meaning, sex is almost irrelevant in our relationship. I never realized that this was an attribute of alcoholism until i started reading up on it. He gets drunk and watches porn. I wrote him a long letter about this just a couple of weeks ago and how it hurt me so bad that we never slept together and he literally read it, cracked a bottle, and then i walked in on him doing his thing to some porn. Needless to say, I threw his computer. It didn’t break unfortunately. He admiited once that he got so much lube on the bed while he was drunk and passed out with it in his hand while i was out of town that he had to wash the sheets. I took him back. He once admitted to me that he was engaging in live porn. I took him back. Stupid.
    -Recently I went out of town and when i came back, i felt like someone had been in my house. He told me he had “a get together” We NEVER have people over. So come to find out his brother and people (INCLUDING WOMEN) that I don’t know came over and drank with him and he doesn’t even remember what happened after that. He was too drunk. Apparently they all spent the night? Oh ya, one of our kids was there that night too…
    -He calls his sister on facetime while he is naked in the bath. Because it is funny. Yes, that sister. ????
    -Last week he got so drunk and his son had the flu and was throwing up profusely for about 6 hours. He was adamant that he wanted to help him so i gave him some guidance and he instead, brought him into the living room instead of quarantining him from the others, made him gulp down a protein drink until he got even more sick, and when i called him out on it, told me to F off.
    -He always friends random women on facebook when he is drunk. I have caught him often having conversations with them.
    -He slurs his words and says things that make absolutely no sense. He spills things, pisses himself, stumbles all over the place, it is so unattractive i wanna puke.

    These are just some that i came up with off the top of my head. I confront him about these things and he finds a way to blame me for everything that happens. Here’s the straw that broke the camels back. Saturday night i told him i needed him to make a decision, me or the drinking. He said THE DRINKING. Can you believe that? Can you believe that this man is confidently ending his marriage with me without even trying to do anything about it because he would rather drink?! My biggest concern here is that he will take his children that he fought so hard for and he will loose them within weeks. He is talking about moving to his mothers house (who is ALSO an alcoholic, mind you) but he cant because she smokes in the house and his son has asthma. I have advised him to get an apartment. He ignores me. Sleeps on the couch, stays on his computer and does God knows what. This has been going on since Saturday. The issue before this where the people came to my house was a month ago. So much for the three-four month breaks.
    I think he has finally given up on everything and i don’t know what to do. I want him to leave on one hand, but on the other i don’t. I don’t want the kids to suffer and i do love him when he goes through his “good periods” We have built a life together. Many years! I am so torn and so upset and so sick of this. My oldest son is 20 and he is a heroin addict who has been through rehab and has a good job and is doing well. My first husband was a drug addict who eventually sucomed to his addictions two years ago. I honestly feel like i am in this cycle with these people and i have know way how to get out. I want to run away, take my kids and go…but i dont know how….

  11. Kris d says:

    I’ve been married for 25 years and my husband knows he’s a drunk but he does not care he does not take anything seriously every thing is a joke. I feel being married to him is terrible. I don’t want another 25 years of this. I would like to help him but he does not want help. He bitter rude and just plain not right what can I do? I wish I had a way out!

  12. Kate says:

    I never thought this would happen to me. I met my husband at church when I was 18 and we got married when I was almost 20. It’s hard to pin down when exactly the excessive drinking started, but sometime last year he started wetting the bed and passing out in the couch (and wetting that) 4 or more times per week. He always tries to hide how many times he gets refill drinks from me… I don’t know why because it’s obvious he’s drinking. He mixes juice with different liquors in a 32oz bottle and usually has at least 2 of them. He also makes excuses for wetting the bed like “I sweater through the sheets” which is just obviously not true. We lost some friends because the husband made a comment to me once about “he was really drunk last night huh?” And I passed it along in a fight. Sometimes he blames me and my parents for his drinking, when he does acknowledge that he drinks too much. I’m not sure where to go from here. Most nights he holds it together until our daughter is in bed, but I dread coming back after laying he down. Constant yelling, paranoia, and making a big deal of little things. He always thinks the worst of me. Nad in the morning, he remembers about 10% of it. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together.

  13. Deni says:

    My adult son has been addicted to alcohol, gave that up, then pain pills, then video games, now serious drugs. He has lived with me for 8 years for free. He is wonderful between addictions. He has stolen thousands from me. It got particularly bad last fall,when he took about $6000 from an inheritance I received. He told me he spent it on the floor a friend of his was installing in my house. I got a new car, after 12 years with my old one. He put 20,000 miles on it in 6 months. Finally he let his girlfriend drive it and she totalled it. I put him out and told him he could come back after rehab. He snuck in with his girlfriend and I found them in his room at 5an. I kicked then both out but now he says he is sleeping outside. He has no job, no money, no car. He is trying to manipulate me again. I am trying to stay strong. Reading these stories helps. Thank you for sharing.

  14. Salina says:

    I am so lost, I’m angry, then I burst into tears and now I go cold… married for 10 years been with him since I was 17 now 38! I actually feel comfort in writing, people I don’t know reading my story, understanding my pain. Why do I stay, love this man dearly, but I am so tied, so sad every evening …. I hurry to tuck the kids in bed, trying to shelter them from their dad. He hates me when he’s drunk and I hate to be around him. The kids are not babies anymore and I try my best to protect them from seeing him plastered.
    My head is so heavy, so disappointed in myself and confused as a mother. I go through it all, ezxavtkt what everyone describes, heartache, abuse et

    So alone

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