How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?

Published by at 11:19 am under Common Concerns

Pam, Anna, and Betty, all active Al-Anon members, are talking about how they deal with unacceptable behavior.

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672 comments on “How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?”

  1. a drunk's wife says:

    I thougt i was the only one.
    I dont personally know any other person going through this.
    It saddens me that I am not the only one, because I know exactly what you’re all going through. And its HELL.

    I dont want to be an 80yr old woman with the same life.
    I want PEACE & HAPPINESS in my home.

    Is my only option to leave???

  2. HoPe says:

    It breaks my heart to hear these stories and I know that I am not alone. I married last year and recently realized that I married a functional alcoholic. I love my husband very much however I am gradually losing myself trying to stay in this marriage. He is a daily drinker (4 to 6 beers) and most weekends ( Saturday & Sunday) he drinks 18-25 beers. He drinks an average of 36 to 48 beers a week. He works every day and I don’t know of it effecting his job. I have done everything I know to do from threatening to leave to exposing him to others. Nothing works. He is almost 60 years old and wants to be intimate like a 25 year old. He works and stays busy around the house in which he uses projects, football, cookouts, etc to support his reason for drinking. He is loving and attentive when he has not been drinking or has had under 3 beers or when others are present but he turns sarcastic and hateful the more he drinks and when we are alone. I have always been an outgoing bubbly kind of person however I have become so depressed and now somewhat of an introvert. I don’t feel or look happy and people are starting to notice. I feel so ashamed that I am living like this and I pray daily that God changes him. I recently lost my job and have filed for disability due to a medical condition he now tells me that if I don’t give him the intimacy he requires there will be a price a to be paid, meaning he will no longer financially support me. He hurts me so much with his words and makes me feel so little. Losing ones self should not be an option to stay with an alcoholic however I have no choice at the moment. God bless you all and you are in my prayers.

  3. avril says:

    The previous stories have helped me, as my husband is an abusive alcoholic. He works hard, but comes home from the oil rigs, and hits the bottle. He usually gets into a binge, and when it starts he blames me for everything. His words are cruel and still hurt, even though I”ve put up with this for years. I usually leave him when the binge gets out of hand, but I always return when he’s sick and sobering up. He’s usually so nice then, but the depression sets in after being sober for a few days. I then get more abuse.
    I wish I could break the cycle, but it is hard when you love a person.
    I try to go out and about with friends and family, as its good to have a network of sincere folk to turn to. My husband would prefer me to ony bother with him, and I did that for a while, but its not a good way to live. He gets angry that he can’t control me.
    I pray for all people coping with alcoholics. Its a hard life!

  4. Heartbroken says:

    My heart hurts. I have a wonderful husband who works very hard for his family. He is attentive, thoughtful, loving, helpful, kind….etc. He doesn’t normally drink during the week but once Friday comes the drinking starts. I used to look forward to the weekends because he got to be home with his family. Now, I dread them because although the day starts off good he ends up drunk and passed out by the evening. I tend to sleep on the couch because I hate the smell of beer and being in the same bed with him just makes me angry. We have 3 beautiful children together that absolutely adore their Dad. They don’t always see the worst part of him. He is horrible at night once they have gone to bed. But, if we go camping, out to the river for the day…etc he always gets drunk. I hate it because he acts like a jerk and it is unsafe for all of us. He stumbles all around and if there was a serious situation he wouldn’t be able to help. That puts us in danger. He feels because he works hard all week that he deserves to be this way on the weekend. But I work too! I may be a stay at home Mom but I take care of our kids, cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shopping, make sure bills are paid, all of that…everyday. My job doesn’t end at a certain time. I am on duty 24/7 and I deserve to have a sober husband on the weekend when our time is the most precious. I had always used the excuse ” well at least he only drinks on the weekends ” but those weekends are all we have to spend quality time together. I’m tired, worn down, hurt. I even told him to just drink less, not quit altogether but as an alcoholic he can’t do that. I feel lost. I don’t want to give up on him but no amount of tears, threatening to leave, trying to get him and us to get help has worked so far ( 12 years ) I just can’t do it anymore.

  5. sp says:

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years this October. He was always jealous and short-tempered, but this past year has been extreme. First of all, my boyfriend is an alcoholic… But back in January 2016, he became addicted to pain killers as well… and his anger got so bad that he kicked me out of our own home one night (WELL 3AM), randomly, because I had headphones in, listening to music, and didn’t hear him ask me a question. That escalated into him punching holes in the wall, smashing his phone into pieces with his bare hands, breaking his laptop with his own hands, and throwing everything I own into a pile on the floor. That is not the worst of it… The next day, HE DIDN’T REMEMBER! How frustrating when you’re trying to prove your point to someone, when they cant even remember what they had for dinner the night before. That wasn’t the only incident. Similar incidents have happened since then. Mostly the same story line though… Gets belligerently drunk. screams in my face, calls me any and every name in the book… Kicks me out, tells me he can get any woman he wants, slams doors purposely, punches the wall, grabs his gun and waves it around, because he knows that gives me a panic attack… It’t like he gets JOY from seeing me in pain and tears. I have begged him to stop… Told him I will pay for the rehab! (He doesn’t have a job) But he continues to deny any issue I bring up… He thinks myself, his family, and his friends are out to get him… He currently doesn’t talk to his friends anymore, his family doesn’t respect his choices, and he’s fine with that…. As long as he has his pills and alcohol…

  6. Frustrated says:

    I’m 30 and me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 years. After yet another attempt to stop drinking I came home last night to bottles and cans all over the floor and a drunk passed out slug at 7pm in the evening. I’ve been down this road before, it’s lonely and exhausting. I’ve made the decision to leave, thank you for sharing your stories, it has helped me see the life path I would go down if I decided to stay in this and get married and have kids with this man. I just can’t do that….no woman, man or child should have to go through this. God Bless to you all you struggling and living with this.

  7. Sasha says:

    I am 26, we have a 1 year old daughter together. We have been together for 7 years married for 4. We have been through a lot he has been involved in an accident which left him with a traumatic brain injury. He started drinking whilst in hospital. His friends encouraged him. He has physically abused me before and he constantly emotionally abuses me. I feel so low I wish he would just leave. Then he tells me I’m the one that should leave, he’s on a spouse visa so if he leaves it will be to another country and he will never see his child. I feel without me he will be worse and I feel guilt when I imagine him without me. His daughter and him have a bond and I don’t want to break that. At the same time I feel like I’m going crazy trying to keep us together. I don’t argue with him when he drinks. I stay in my room and lock the door. Or if he catches me out and starts to argue I leave with my daughter. He gets up to follow me sometimes. It scares the hell out of me.

  8. Confused says:

    Hi all

    It’s so sad but also comforting to see my life reflected in so many others. I have been living with an alcoholic my whole life, parents, now my spouse. What I find interesting about this topic is that the unacceptable slowly becomes acceptable as the alcoholism progresses. It is hard to define what is normal , because alcoholism attributes are normalized. I am no longer able to even cope with all the unacceptable behavior because as far as alcoholism is concerned, none of it is acceptable. I feel like I have wasted so much precious time. I am worried about my kids, stay or go, complicated either way. I however even though I have my tool box full of tools am getting tired of dealing with the unacceptable because even when I set boundaries, they aren’t respected. I have come to believe that alcoholism is an assault , on the sober members of the family, on our boundaries, emotionally, verbally, physically, financially, and mentally. Therefore the ultimate boundary is to stay no more. Through this trial my saving grace has been 2 strategies in dealing with the unacceptable, practice gratitude and focus on my own behaviour. Love to you all.

  9. willow says:

    I am trying to build a wall between my husband and my feelings. I am isolating myself so I cant be hurt by his neglect. Its so painful to be rejected. He picks drinking every night over me. My kids think he’s just the greatest thing-so much fun-Mom is the one who is always in a bad mood. I admit its true. I can’t tolerate the drinking anymore, so I am the problem. Everyone else is laughing away. He says I am always so negative, and a pessimist, which I admit I now am. I am lonely and see a very bleak future once my four kids move on. I am surrounded by people, but totally alone. Everyone loves my husband-he is the life of the party and I am the anchor who is weighing everyone down. He thinks I should just be grateful for how hard he works and appreciate all the good-he has me convinced I am impossible to please. Maybe I am. He drinks and passes out every night sitting up on the couch, in front of my daughter. She resents me because she sees I am angry at him and she loves him so much. I am not OK with this. I am always on duty-have to be ready for anything-can never relax, because I can’t depend on him after 7pm any night, but then he call me a control freak. He hasn’t come to bed in years. I am so lonely-my family may be better off without me.

  10. Hopeless says:

    I have been with my fiance on and off for 19 years . He is a functioning alcoholic. He can keep a job down while he drinks but can’t keep his actions down while drinking . We have 4 kids together ages 17,13, and 6 year old twins. He started out only drinking a few beers a night he worked 2nd shift so he got off at 11 pm and only had time to drink 2 beers before he has to go to bed but now he is training on 1st shift. He drinks from the time he gets off work till the time he go to bed and passes out . He always says mean hurtful things to me and accasionally is abusive . He is always picking on our kids saying they are yelling or being to roudy when to me they are being typical 6 year olds . When I tell him to leave because of his actions he either gets violent or spits in my face literally literally spitting in my damn face. The slightest thing with make him mad if anything happens it’s just a reason to drink more . We call the way he acts while he drinks ( acting a donkey) that’s his violent episodes name . Or if i won’t let him in the house he will cuss and scream at the top of his lungs and I’m scared to death that he is going to hit me to I don’t let him in and im scared I’m going to get evicted for him causing a neighborhood disturbance so I have to call the cops. Our oldest can’t stand her own father she is 17 because he is always making unnecessary mean comment to her while he is slurring and dosent make since he calls me a bad mother in front of our children and least week he hit me three time in front of them in my mouth I have a really big bruise on my arm from it and my jaw hurts to eat . He went to jail for public intoxication and when he got out he blamed me for him going to jail and locking his keys in his car . He is a really good man when he is sober and I love him so much when he is sober but when is he ever sober now in days that’s very few he has went without a beer like 4 days in 6 months . He won’t admit he is a alcoholic and indint known what else to do I gave him a altumatume that he can come around us when he is sober or don’t come around at all . I want the man I fell in love with back because I don’t know this guy . My daughter who is 6 said i love daddy in the morning but not daddy at night your know why she says that because he is drunk mean weird and makes everyone uncomfortable at night. I can’t handle the beer any More I can’t stand the thought of him with a beer in his hand. I’m tired of our kids feeling scared and intimidated and me too . Sorry to unload so much on you but I have No one to talk to . Please pray for my family god bless and I’m sorry for anyone else out there going through the same situation . Your in my prayers

  11. Wendy says:

    My partner is lovely and sharp when sober – I am so tired o this roller coaster of emotions when he is drunk. I’m 63 and w have been together for 20 years – many of them happy initially. I think I have to leave for my own survival.

  12. Margo says:

    My husband is an alcoholic, I am being mentally abused by him, He lost a good paying job for stealing, He refuses to get help, I have Lupus, And I am not supposed to be stressed, My health is going down really fast, The reason why I have not left is because I have no where to go, We have been married for 33 years, At first for many years I did not know that he drank, He was hiding bottles around the house, I know that I am rambling, But that is what I do a lot, Because I am so hurt that the bottle is more important than me, I hope I can make it, But it looks very bleek

  13. Lynette says:

    Prayers to all. My husband was single for 23yrs. We have been married right at 2yrs now. 4 months we were apart because of work. 2 weeks before we got married he went on a drinking spree for about 4-5 days missed work. Yes, he was on that pitty pot! I was out of town. I didn’t know what was up with him. He didn’t return calls. I finally just sent a text and told him that I loved him. Well, I had to go get him and put him back together. I’ve never in my entire life have felt with such. I almost called the wedding off. Now, I feel like he is breaking me down. I don’t know how to deal with this. He is a good hard worker. This is my 4th marriage. 3 marriage we were together 23yrs. I’m 50 now. He is 54.I try and talk to him even when he’s not drinking his beer. He turns everything around to it being my fault. I don’t drink that much at all. I figured it would help if I didn’t drink. It doesn’t. He got madd at me tonight because I wouldn’t tell him where the light switch was on the wall going downstairs.i thinking where is your common sense?!? He gets madd and goes and gets on the couch. I went down and asked what’s wrong He just tells me that he just wants quite because he’s got to go to work at 4. I told him fine we will just grow apart. I’m tired! It’s like he doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me. He just wants me to be his wife. How in the hell do you handle this???? Dear God give us strength.

  14. Hemlock says:

    Husband used to just have a couple of drinks almost every night after work.
    Now it’s daily, and not just a few beers, now its like a 6 pack and then he moves on to ounces of whiskey (usually at least half a bottle of Bushmills a night, $$$$ habit).

    I’m getting sick and tired of a husband who’s insensible by the time I get home from work a half hour after him, who passes out on the couch by 7 pm most weeknights, earlier on weekends, who uses ANY excuse to drink (football season is especially bad).

    He’s not violent, and doesn’t blame me for his drinking.

    I have long suspected that he hides bottles around the house (like his little trips to the garage for nothing….but he gets more and more drunk as the night goes on)…found empty vodka bottles in our son’s bathroom. Also that he’s been taking off work or drinking during the day when he goes home for lunch, how else can he already be drunk if I get home so soon after him?

    He was on a bender one day really bad like almost black-out drunk by noon. His parents called and he was insensible on the phone, very slurred speech, and then he passed out while talking to them. They kept trying to call him back but he didn’t answer, couldn’t he was passed out sawing logs.

    Found out it was worse when I came across a notebook I thought was our son’s in the living room the other week (same composition books I had bought at start of year for school). Looks like he decided to start journaling his thoughts and feelings about drinking. He drinks in the morning when he wakes up before he goes to work, keeps it in the car, has been drunk or drinking at work/lunch at home, bottles hidden all over the house, skipping out on work/too many sick days.

    He blames family genetics for his myriad health issues, fatty liver, gout, nausea, high BP/cholesterol, diarrhea, I know all those can be attributed to alcohol consumption, but his Dr doesn’t know the extent of his drinking.

    Worst part is our son. I don’t want him to think it’s normal for someone to be passing out on the couch still sitting up, or to be smelly, red eyed, slurred speech. I’m afraid when I travel for work that my husband is going to either be so hungover in the morning or already drunk in the afternoon that there might be a car accident when he drops off/picks up our son. Or that he’s passed out so early that he has no clue where our son is.

    So far he’s still functional, hasn’t screwed up anything at work too badly, or gotten called to the carpet yet for his absences, but it’s only a matter of time. Today was the ultimatum, get professional help or your out of the house until you get treatment.

  15. Polly says:

    I have been married for 4 years. We haven’t slept in the same room for the entire marriage. My husband drinks every night until he can’t drink anymore he also smokes weed nightly. When I go yo work I have to have my mom babysit because he drinks so much. When he drinks he gets argumentative. My husband never comes to any of my son sports .he spends so much on his addiction that we’re always broke. I feel like a single parent and we’re just roommates I’m frustrated. What do I do

  16. HappyHusky says:

    My husband and I are 27, we have been together 4 years, have a 2 1/2 year old son, he was not drinking for a while and now pressure at work has sent him off the edge again, he used today (fathers day) as an excuse to drink and smoke and pass out. I am so tired of this, I am a nurse so it is my nature to not give up on people and help them, however I am tired of being lied to and blamed for all negative actions my husband does. This is a sad time for me, I feel I am a 24/7 care taker who never gets a day off. My husband is going to end up alone like his real dad, drinking his problems away, he never sees problems in his actions and says I am being hyper-sensitive, this is a sad time for my family.

  17. SadFather says:

    My wife has a serious drinking problem. We just had a huge fight because she got drunk yesterday and said a lot of very mean things to me. Today she promised me she wouldn’t drink and then proceeded to tell me how awful I am and blames me for all her problems from her drinking, her obesity, her depression, her lack of friends as the only friends she has are the ones who are also complete alcoholics. After this I decided I needed to take the kids out and away from the toxic environment and we went to the beach. We got back and she was drunk, of course. I’m living in Brazil which is her country and she said that if I leave her I will never see my kids again. The law her will never let me take my kids away from their mother. I’m so sick and tired of laying in bed wondering if she will actually come home or if she will show up a couple of days later, or even worse get in an accident. I get so stressed if she goes anywhere with the kids. I never know if she will drink and drive with them in the car. I don’t want anything to happen to my two babies.

    I lost my job last week because she came to my work completely drunk and started yelling at my boss because she wanted me to take the kids so she could go party. So now I’m completely $&@#ed.

    I don’t know what to do.

  18. Lost says:

    My husband prefers to stay out at night always. He thinks going out at night and drinking with friends is enjoyment.We are married for 4 years now.What do i do to get him and myself out of this situation ?

  19. Presley says:

    I have no clue how to deal. My husband has been a drinker for years, now he moved on from beer to vodka, he has a drink then drives & goes to work drinking. He is spending all our money. He lost his job & crashed his vehicle, I dont think he was drunk? Im terrified were going to lose our new home & take me down with him. He has a great new job now. He promises to stop then drinks the next day. Me saying if you drink its your problem, dont make it mine. If you choose to drink I choose to end our marriage doesnt phase him. Hes a very violent drinker. Hasnt hit me yet but throws stuff at me & breaks things. Every week he drinks so much he blacks out. I dont know what to do anymore. Hes such a good guy minus alcohol. I have no family to turn too so thats not an option. I put all my retirement & savings into our new home. Im stuck 🙁
    Anyones input would be awesome.
    Thank you
    God Bless everyone…

  20. Sadness says:

    Can’t leave. Four kids–even though he’s “functional”, they can’t deal
    With his fight picking and bs. There’s no hope. He thinks I’m going to keep working when he retires early so he can drink, travel without me, etc

  21. e says:

    I am 82, husband 87 soon. Family is due to arrive for holiday. Married over 65 years. My heart is crushed. Never know how he will be. Not assuming good today. God help me

  22. Nsn says:

    I cannot thank you all enough for your painful stories. I am in everyone of them.
    I am severing my Relationship at this moment. I know I am doing the right thing that is: I AM SAVING MY OWN LIFE.
    Every single story is my story too.
    Thank you for giving me the courage to do this. God bless all of you. Stay strong and know you are not alone.

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