How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?

Published by at 11:19 am under Common Concerns

Pam, Anna, and Betty, all active Al-Anon members, are talking about how they deal with unacceptable behavior.

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636 comments

636 comments on “How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?”

  1. Sher says:

    My story is similar. He lies and steals and thinks he is better than everyone else. He has no regard for our marriage, he doesn’t care about love or respect. Trust is a foreign word to him. He is waiting for his mom to die so her money will right all his wrongs. He has no credit rating, no driver licence , no vehicle and expects everyone to be at his disposal . He shows no affection to me even when sober. I’m in a loveless marriage, 60 years old and have an std that he gave me. The hurt and despair is something I don’t think I can bear anymore. I’m too ashamed and embarrassed to tell my family and friends. He thinks as long as he tends meetings at aa then I will forgive and forget the unfaithfulness, lies, cheating, deception and anguish. We are in so much financial debt that I’ll die and my kids will be stuck with 1.5 million to pay off. Nice legacy for innocent children. What am I living for?

  2. rr says:

    My life is such a fake. I look like I have it all together. The reality is my husband is an alcoholic, i’ve lost my house, I grew up with an alcoholic, and I’ve suffered abuse. I’ve been homeless for a short time, I’m heartbroken, and lost. But…you will see me in church each Sunday..finding ways to help others. You will see me shining at my career. My children are known as polite and talented. Its a front I’ve kept up since I was a child. I use to take my father’s shoes off for him when he’d pass out on the couch. I’d jump between he and my mother to protect her from him. I would sneak away when staying at friends so i could call my mom and ask her if everything is okay. Now I’m reliving the cycle with my husband. He’s wonderful in everyone’s eyes. Yet he is horrible to me most of the time. He spends our hard earned money on 12 pack after 12 pack, yet blames me for our financial stress. I’ve kept this secret from my family…even my kids don’t truly know the pain i’m gonig through…or maybe they do. They’ve sufferred terribly as well, seeing the worry in my eyes..hearing us argue. I’ll soon be an empty nester. I’m happy for my children to begin lives free of pain. So…now the strange part. Why do I stay? Why can’t I leave? Why do I keep hoping things will change. They won’t. My dreams are dwindling. I so badly want it to work out…and we live that happy life. Alcohol has changed him more than I could. For now, the fake front continues. Just happy I could finally say it to someone.

  3. Maureen says:

    I have been on that roller coaster for 21 years…it will e 22 in July. We are no legally married and have a 13 year old daughter together. He will binge drink for 2-3 days….then be all nice the day after….2 days later for the next 3 he is verbally abusive…puts me down in front of our daughter….accusses me of imaginary boyfriends….accusses me of stealing my own money…i am on disability for some medical issues. They are maintained right now….but the weekly stress has caused me to gain 60 pounds….i hardly eat…my daughter us at the point where she wishes he would move out….but he wont…he has made it clear…he will never leave and if forced he make my life a living hell more than it is now. I dont want to live like this anymore but i feel like i stuck! Family and friends have witnessed his verbal abuse while he was drunk and sober and he embarrassing all the time with side remarks. I feeling like i am slowly dying inside…i cry myself to sleep almost every night. When he is drinking my daughter and i will lock ourselves in her bedroom so he doesnt bother us. This is no life….Dont know what to do….how to do 🙁

  4. Fifty says:

    My story is so similar to the others I have read only difference being its my wife that is the alcoholic. She is the type that loves a drink and could probably drink most guys under the table. Only problem is that she is an emotional nasty drunk behind closed doors and unfortuantely I am the one who cops it. (its never been physical abuse) She simply cannot function. Starts doing weird things out of the ordinary around the house repeats conversations five minutes later that she doesn’t recall having already said. I am 46 and have been in the Police for 29 years, I don’t drink anymore as her behaviour has turned me right off it.
    You would think I should have known better and realised i shouldn’t continue on particularly for my 8 yr old son that I have brought into this situation, 10 months ago and quite miraculously my wife gave birth (IVF) to the most beautiful baby girl. unfortunately the stress has confounded ten fold. When she is not drinking she is a great mum and loves our daughter to bits. However she is being sneaky and conniving and deceitful in getting access to alcohol within the house and having it at strange times, usually when I’m at work. I get home and I get the usual lies that seem common to everyone’s stories however she cannot function at all. It appears the alcohol mixed with a lack of sleep is an even bigger problem. She puts the baby to bed 5 minutes after getting up but forgetting she has already had the morning sleep, feeds her unusual food at strange times and even put her into an ice cold bath when it was supposed to be warm….On this particular day she gave her 5 straight bottles of formula and there is nothing I can do. If I’m holding her she takes her off me, I had her to sleep this afternoon for about two minutes however she came in and picked up a sleeping baby for no reason and gave her another bottle of formula. I am at my wits end. I love my wife or at least i love the person that she can be when she is sober. She is beautiful dresses fabulously and is a fun caring person. But when the alcohol kicks in everything is completely different. Its like the right side of her face doesn’t even work and her eyes look so big. Whilst she thinks she is hiding the drinking from me she so many obvious tells. Basically she turns into a completely different person. To say Im stressed would be an understatement. I have had to rush home early from work on a few occasions as I could tell that the alcoholic different person was with our baby. I am at my absolute wits end and do know what to do for my baby and myself.

  5. Jamila says:

    I am so desperately seeking help. I’ve been married less than a year. I have never faced or been involved with an alcoholic. I’ve read all the comments below and each story sounds like mines. When I met my husband we would drink occasionally together and it was then that I should’ve realize it would never work. He would wake up in the morning and start drinking. He would be drunk around his kids be verbally abusive. I tried everything to help him.. He got fired from numerous jobs. Got 2 DUI’s. went from having everything to nothing. After the 2nd dui he stopped drinking but then starting doing drugs. After not having a drink for 6 months we got married, moved in together and started building a life together. But as each day by day passes he’s going back to his old ways. He drinks in the morning when I’m gone to work.. or he sneaks around drinks.. I literally feel like I need a babysitter for him. I’ve given this guy every ounce of love and have turned my life around to being a great wife and a step mother to his kids. But I’m so tired of the lies, sneaking around, and drinking.. i don’t know what to do anymore!! Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. One day he’s so sorry and he promises he’ll change then the next minute he’s like I don’t care. I’ve been suffering in the relationship for 6 years. Lost friends, family. I’m so alone now!! I need help

  6. Hanna says:

    I am supposed to get married in seven days to the love of my life. He admitted he had a drinking problem seven months ago and went to AA and supposedly quit drinking. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Six days ago, I found a receipt with a bottle of vodka on it. He was drinking it in his tea right there in front of me. He lied and said it was a mistake on the receipt and that he did not buy any vodka. Then he admitted it. Then he admitted two other times he had bought alcohol secretly but that was it. Suddenly all of the lies became clear. I asked repeatedly if there was anything else I should know. He said, no that was it. Well I asked again and again and he finally admitted that he has been drinking regularly for months and had several months ago as well. He blamed me for being unapproachable to discuss his thoughts about being able to drink again. He now admits he is an addict and has gone to AA twice this week and we saw our counselor together. He says that he wants me to marry a week from today like we planned or that we are going to break up. I told him I want to postpone the wedding as this is a lot of stress and new information just days before our marriage. He refuses to postpone the wedding. I love him so much this is insane. PLEASE HELP! I can’t marry him and don’t want to lose him.

  7. Donna P says:

    I am reading all of these comments and in a very similar story/life. I know logically the manipulation that comes with alcoholics and he’s decided “he can’t take it anymore and we need a fresh start” so sign a 12 month lease on an apt. and “wants out”.

    In reading all of these posts, I see one thing in common…we stay too long. We put up with too much. Is it possible if we had just drawn the line from the get go, that many of these folks would have ended up getting help? I always say i’m not a quitter…anything is possible if we focus on “being the right person”…yet it’s impossible to achieve this as they are sick and I feel as long as we “take the abuse”..they continue to give it. Just curious of the women that may have left early on…did those men get help. it is sad to see/hear all of these stories and the years wasted and yet I find myself saying/doing some of the same things.

  8. Anndrew says:

    I have been married to my husband for 21 years. His drinking at night has gotten worse. He drinks beer nightly. We have a 12 year old son who is in bed most of the time when my husband gets home. Our son has seen him stumble to the couch once. I have noticed him shaking during the day more than usual. I’m thinking it is because he hasn’t started drinking for the day yet. He isn’t abusive and has never said a negative word towards me. His mother is hard on him. He is a functioning alcoholic. We love each other very much. I don’t want to nor do I have sex with him if he is drunk. He just goes to sleep. He’s had a DUI years ago and I’m afraid he will get another one. We are starting marriage counseling May 1 because I get mad and build up walls and he avoids discussions and drinks too much. I am hopeful he wants to decrease the drinking and talk when we have things to solve together. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Life is so complicated and I’m not one for controlling another person. I know he needs to want to do this for himself and for us. I know I can’t do it for him. I want to know the best way to help and be loving.

  9. nora says:

    omg , I’m on the sofa crying my husband for 4 years together 6. is a functional alcoholic. he drinks every evening . as soon as he gets home from work, until he passes out on the sofa. we both have great jobs I do love him. we have separated twice . I feel empty inside to my soul. I cant even put it in words, he can be so nice and so mean and cruel. all in the matter of hours. he does not remember things lots. takes eveyones side but mine on weekends he starts drinking as soon as he gets up.then he passes out has a nap then does it again, he embarrasses me lots . my kids tolerated him for me. he daughter wants noting to do with him. his son who is handicap and lives in a group home in abusive to female staff , and they wonder why. he says his drinking does not hurt anyone because he can affort it and he still works. Thanks for reading

  10. Heidi says:

    I have read many of these stories and myself have a story of love and loneliness and a rollercoaster of emotions.
    My husband is a functioning alcoholic or rather “a problem drinker”. I don’t know what the correct label is but I do know that a 41 year old man should not be passing out on his couch. I don’t find it to be attractive that he chooses to drink alone at home, daily (when he is home from work). I have a list of incidents that are embarrassing and ugly but mostly in between I just feel lonely and empty. It doesn’t matter how much I love him— love just isn’t enough. My teen daughter moves away from our home to her Dad’s home and I have a wonderful son at home.
    I feel the stories I read are much like mine and I would like to say that there is hope. The hope you have should be IN YOURSELF… you (and I) can do this, and the only way is to devise your own personal plan to become financially and emotionally independent. There is no cost too high. Accepting some temporary help from friends and family is nothing to be ashamed of.
    For me, I am in no danger other than letting more years slip by while I feel like an empty paper bag floating around in a wind storm. I wanted a deeper emotional connection to my friend and husband… but I cannot control him or force him to see things the way I do. He will always be who he is, until he isn’t. I don’t want to waste my time waiting like an idiot for that to happen. I have begun taking college classes and will be on my way to becoming a nurse. That is a plan that works for me. I will have HOPE and faith in myself. I will love myself and seek happiness in something other than a relationship for now.
    I am sad to see that so many people suffer in such horrible ways!
    I know it’s cliche, but you only live once and there is no time to be miserable or spend your time dragging someone out of their misery when they can’t even see clearly what they may be doing.
    Bless you all. I hope you find courage and peace.

  11. liz hunter says:

    I feel so sorry for my partner because his dependence upon alcohol is isolating him. I’m the only one he has, and it’s driving me away. I can’t catch him sober anymore to even begin to try and get him to understand he will end up totally on his own, without me or his daughter. He’s verbally aggressive when he drinks swears UN front of our daughter. I love him very much, and feel so sad that there is a fantastic side to him, then he switches to something else I hate, and it’s now most of the time. I just don’t know what to do anymore to help him. If I mention the drinking he tells me to shut up. I’ve given up to even talk now.

  12. Helen says:

    Married 26 years last year, we decided to separate trialling a year the date 2/6/17
    is when we agreed to say Yes or No to continuing.He is an alcoholic he is very materialistic, he thinks and believes he doesnt need help. During our marriage I became bored with all of his promising to slow down so I started gambling. My way of escape I thought but I too got addicted to that. Started lieing, not paying our bills I thought if he can put money down the toilet WHY cant I.I soon became a regular on the pokie scene what a huge mistake I made.Always making excuses to be out of the house especially if he drank for 3 to 4 days of a week on our fortmightly centrelink payment,his second favourite pass time besides drink was sleeping recouperating thats when Id gamble more. At least I didnt have to listen to his very boring repeated conversatiom about the same topics , the pokie machines never talked back I was hooked. So two to tango as they say. He started hating me as much as I hated myself,eventually leading to his cutting words of how useless I was. Separation inevitable. The year is nearly over in this time weve had sex.probably 3 times. Im happier now then I ever was Im sleeping with another man not the conditions.arranged husband asked me to wait a year then discuss our mariage then JOKE, I am frightened he will physically hurt me, he may commit suicide had had thoughts like this through the marriage, or just shoot me. Today I want to ask for a divorce but terrified for my own life. I am a prisoner to Alcoholism and I am the one who seriously needs counselling,help,advice. I feel so much hate toward him I feel like he WON the Jackpot. Im so mentally drained from Addiction.

  13. emma says:

    If I’m in the same situation as so many other women then why is this such a lonely place.
    The person you are sharing your life with . The father of your children. He who would drink regardless of the impact on all of us. Who can drink for days and then sober up without any though of how it affects us.
    We are totally dependent and that is how you like it. Vulnerable,isolated and easy to manipulate.This is how these Alcoholic husband operate. They humiliate and hurt you to the depth of your soul. Make you wish you were deaf out of sheer desperation. Yet, they are blameless unwilling to take any responsibility for their selfish acts. Too wrapped up in their own needs to care about the pain they inflict on others. How can you have a relationship based on trust if you can’t trust the person your with. What happens to us wives and mothers? We grow old and disillusioned. Tired of trying so hard to keep it all together when he destroys everything. Your children grow up damaged and move away. All anon is full of people who understand
    You are powerless over Alcohol addiction..

  14. Jodie says:

    My husband and I haven together for 18 years.we got married when I was 18 and he was 20. We had the greatest relationship. He was funny and attractive and the kind of guy everybody loved to be friends with. That all changed… The year that changed was our eleventh year of being married. He decided to have a girlfriend. I found out about her through people at my church. I also found that throughout their relationship he started drinking. I didn’t know or didn’t pay close enough attention to know he was drinking. I think the guilt drove him here but, that’s not why he drinks anymore. He has called me a cunt for the last seven years, says he hates me, he has punched me in the head to many times to count. I stay because when he’s sober he is my best and only friend. I stay because I love him, I stay because I have no where else to go. He tells me ” you don’t have the balls to leave”. He’s right I don’t but I am getting to the point where I need more than this. I want to be treated good everyday, I want to trust again, I want to feel loved. I want him to be not married to a bottle but to his best friend. I truly miss him!

  15. Angie says:

    This is my first time reading through these comments. I’ve avoided going to Alanon meetings or talking to anyone because of heartbreak that will happen if his parents find out. I’ve watched him go through substance abuse after substance abuse. It almost cost him his life one year ago this month. Now alcohol is his choice. He has an amazing job, truly making a difference in people’s lives, but I feel like we’re living a complete lie. Well we are living a lie. We pretend to be happy, we can actually fake it for a few days here and there, but no one around us knows the battle every night we face when he lies to me about getting alcohol. I truly never know if he is taking some type of pill or is saving drinking a bottle of liquor for when I go to sleep. We’ve been together for 7 years, married for 5. We have two amazing sons and he really is a great father, until after they go to sleep. Our oldest is 2.5, he’s going to start remembering his parents arguments. He’s going to know what daddy means when he’s taking a break is that he’s going outside to smoke or drink. I know this group is supposed to bring hope, but I’m devastated. I love him. But I am broken. I can’t trust a word that he says. How do you not trust your own husband, your best friend? I haven’t been a saint, I’ve started snooping, always looking to find where he’s hidden the alcohol or bottle of pills. Which in turn he says gives him more of a reason to drink. We started seeing a counselor and there was hope for two weeks, until he starred drinking again. Now he’s been drinking for a week straight and avoids me whenever I want to talk. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know my hope should be found in Jesus, but I just want this cup to pass from me. I want healing for my husband. I want healing for me. i don’t want my boys to see this growing up. Any advice or prayers would be so appreciated.

  16. Angry mum says:

    My 26 year old daughter is a drunk. She has a 4 year old son. I am so tired of her behavior. She refuses to admit that she has a problem.

  17. Donna says:

    I met J. online and we were both amazed at how much we had in common, starting with a military childhood, both with intelligent but alcoholic and abusive fathers and kind mothers, but also we both loved to share ideas, and humour . After a month of writing, oh how I loved to receive those new emails, we met at a park. He’d said he wasn’t perfect, so when I saw him looking kind of shabby I thought, Well that’s a disappointment, but I shouldn’t judge him. But then he pulled out a thermus of wine (against bylaws). I was not impressed, realized I’d made a big mistake. We said goodbye, he assuming I was a teetotaller, but I had seen his hands were shaking.

    After after a couple of phone calls a couple of weeks later, we wanted to meet up again. And that’s how it’s been for over 3 years. I have loved him very deeply at times, and at others have been disgusted with his drunk behaviour and foul moods.

    He got angry when I started going to Al Anon a month ago, and has been jealous of my having good friends. I’ve had healthy boundaries in that he doesn’t come to my place unless he’s dry but now I realize that that only means he never comes here. Writing about it (and this had been edited over and over) I see how crazy the relationship has been, especially for me. It’s time to move on. I didn’t meet him when I was young and if I had, I’d have had children with him (because the attraction is strong despite all) and I don’t know if I could have left.

    Thank goodness I started going to Al Anon, and thank you to all of you who have shared your heartbreaking stories here. What I see is a lot of really great people who get stuck in emotionally dangerous relationships; and it seems that the instability of the relationships makes them addictive in themselves. It’s a tough tough challenge, loving an alcoholic addict. But you know what? We’re not helping them out by being there and we’re not helping ourselves either. It’s easy to miss out on the beauty and mystery of life when we’re stuck with people who drain us of our energy. It’s tough going it alone but at least it’s healthy.

  18. Lana says:

    I am scared of my husband…he refuses to get help! He becomes violent when drunk. I have spoken to his mother about it but when he finds out he threaten to divorce me. I am all alone here, i am stucked, have no where to go or talk …. ????

  19. Alyssa says:

    Me and my husband have been together for 4 years now. I know , not a long time. But it feels like an eternity. I am utterly in love with him, when he’s sober. He drinks day and night, a highly functioning alcoholic… But with it fights are started… He always fights with me, always thinks I’ve met someone at work who I am interested in… Its like I’ve lost myself as a person. But when he is sober he is the best man in the world. I knew what I was getting into when we got together. But I had never dealt with an alcoholic before so I had no idea what I was stepping into. I mean even just my “tone” will set him off on a fight. Or the way I look at him, or if I’m typing on my phone because he thinks I’m texting the earlier stated “man from work” who doesn’t exist. My heart hurts Every time I try to kick him out, I honestly can not picture a life without him, and can not picture him with anyone but me and vice versa. I just don’t know where to go from here. We have talked about him quitting for a long time or cutting back and He will for about a month then for some reason “boredom” kicks in an he’s back to drinking ALOT.

  20. Cherish says:

    Im stuck in a hard place my husband when he drinks hard alcohol we have conversations that when he sobers up he doesnt remeber at all. He says im lying to him. We argue over everything i remeber. He holds my step son over my head saying hes going to leave with him. I could leave but it would break my sons up. Ive tried just telling him he has a problem but he doesnt listen. Im tired of not being trusted anymore.

  21. Mom says:

    My husband of 42 yrs drinks because he likes how he feels. He is a functioning alcoholic, lies to me for many yrs, 25 now, hides bottles, drinks in secret, passes out on the couch every few days, but is a good father, grandfather, helps out around the house, we have similar attitudes toward money, politics, sense of humor, hard working, religion, so much. But I hate being lied to. We tried counseling for several yrs, he stopped going. He denies he has a problem but at the same time acknowledges he needs to quit. He knows it has hurt our two daughters and me. I have walked out but I had a medical situation and came back several yrs ago. I gave up and said do what you want and thought I could just put up with whatever, but after finding another empty bottle today after he was drunk three times this week I have had enough. I just don’t know what to do. We are supposed to retire at the end of this year, our daughter is having our 2nd grandchild in October. We have plans to travel, spend time with family, try out new things, remodel our house, just enjoy life. Now all that is dead. He says he loves me and wants another chance. He’s had so many chances I can’t count them all. He won’t go to AA. I went to AlAnon, but can’t really feel any connection. Any ideas?

  22. Wanting to be strong says:

    All this makes me so sad. I’ve been with my alcoholic husband for 26 years. I went into the marriage with 2 little children from a previous marriage. From the beginning I knew this was a troubled relationship. My husband would call on his way home from work asking, “Do you need anything?” Bread, milk, ect. He would then stop at the bar. Not coming home until the bar closed. Occasionally he’d bring drunk friends home, to drink more after they were thrown out of the bar. He would pawn things to pay bills after he had spent his paycheck. I tried everything to get him to see what he was doing to me and the kids. He’d miss programs at school because he was drunk. He’d listen to loud music in the house as we tried to sleep. We fought constantly. I filed for divorce and didn’t follow through. He was arrested for fighting with my son, when my son was older and had moved back home for awhile. I’d throw my husband out and then let him back in. I sold our house of 25 years, on my own, and move to another town. His brother become I’ll and passed away. In my sorrow for him and the tremendous loss I allowed him to stay with me. Before long he was back in my new home permanently. He continued to drink, but he began trying to hide it. It seemed ridiculous to me. I knew he was drinking. This summer he had an online “love affair”. I discovered this by accident when he left the message on his phone opened. I threw him out again, only to allow him back. I convinced myself that I was too poor to not have him here. The drinking became worse. He hide bottles all over, locked his phone. He would get drunk and be hateful, hurtful. He would break things in the house, windows, doors, he would throw things, and stumble around crashing into walls. Recently he has been drinking night and day on the weekend. I just can not live this way any longer. My children are grown. They have given up on me in many ways. They are disgusted with years of my enabling their stepfather. They see me as crazy as him, because I’ve allowed this for so so long. I have a Granddaughter now. She lives states away. I visit when I can. Her mother is always reluctant to come here because of the drinking. Who could blame her? After another horrible weekend and an awful fight my husband has left. I hope with all my soul to be strong and end this roller coaster ride.

  23. Amanda says:

    I have been with my husband since we were 16. We have 2 amazing kids. The drinking has been off and on for years. It has gotten worse over the last 5. He drink daily, but is a functioning alcoholic. He is a very mean drunk. Name calling, you name it he does it. To him he is fine and doesn’t have a problem. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot take another day fighting with him. The kids seeing him like this. I am a stay at home mom. I have no real money of my own. I have 3 dogs, 2 kids. Being on
    my own scares me to death. I wish I could just up and leave but something is keeping me here. I do love him with everything I am. I just want him to be the old guy he use to be. The one I married. The father he was to both our kids. I am glad I have found this. And have read all your comments. I am not alone. That in itself makes me feel a bit better.

  24. Mickayla says:

    The journey that I have taken with my husband who is an alcoholic seems unreal at times. It was not always this way. Like many of you in the beginning it was great. He was actually deeply involved with the church. There was a light that had drawn me in. I loved him so much to the depths of my soul. He at 1st didn’t want to be with me because I wasn’t on the same level of his religiousness. I have never been a follower someone that just does something because everyone else does. I had became pregnant with his son when I was 18 years old. He had asked me to marry him and of course I did! He was my soulmate so I thought. Our son was born premature at 29 weeks gestation. Talk about a rough time. During this time the drinking began. The drinking has not stopped in 8 years, We have 2 beautiful children together 6 and 7. I just found out I am pregnant. I am so scared for hope has run out. In so many ways it has gotten worse, He never has a job because either he cant hold one or he has no care to have one. All the responsibility is carried on my shoulders. I have never met someone so arrogant and delusional in my entire life. You think someone would be great full that stands by your side through the worst part of your life. He puts me down calls me names makes me feel so small. He blames me for who and what he has become. Everyday I feel more and more hopeless and that one string I have held onto is broke. He runs away all the time 2 to 4 days at a time getting drunk at his brothers. Can you imagine how I feel. Not knowing anything because his family cuts communication and he will not call. He comes home after the fun is over. I dont trust him. He doesn’t have sex with me anymore. He tells me how unattractive I am, as if he looks any better. I feel dead inside and lost. How can the man I loved with every part of my being do this to me and his kids. Put the name calling, lying everything aside. If his drinking doesn’t stop he will be dead or end up with serious health issues. I have no friends and my family does not like him, Can I blame them? He treats me like shit as if im worthless the one person that has stood by his side. His loyalty lies with his family the ones that dont give a shit. Why am I doing this to myself and my kids. Is this love or just complete insanity. Why should I allow myself to be put down and called names. Im comming to a place of hate. I want to understand, I want to say its because hes an alcoholic. Everyone has a choice. He chooses to be this way and get no help, he allows the word to come out of his mouth. He bites the own hand that bares his children and feeds him daily. It makes me sick. My grandmother has been with drunks her whole life and told me about Al-anon. I am thankful to have found this, As many of you probably feel alone. Our situations are nothing to be proud of and we are unable to live regular happy lifes due to the choice of someone else. So I am happy that I can open up to complete strangers who actually are not strangers at all. For as you read our stories we are one in the same.

  25. Jackie says:

    I am so frustrated. My husband of 30 yrs. who has been an alcoholic for most of that went into rehab for a month recently. He came out and started drinking the very first day. The drinking continued for the next month until I flipped out. He then went into Detox again with the intent for more rehab after but left on foot only four days afterwards prommissing he was changed etc. He drank for the next week and a half and then entered a different rehab for detox and rehab but two days later he calls me with this excuse and that excuse and is discharging himself. I am so emotionally and physically drained from dissappointment after dissappointment. I don’t know the answers are and have made so many excuses for him over the years. Just like everyone else says, I love him but I’m truly so very tired of this. After going to pick him up today from the rehab facility I continue to pray the Al-anon prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Dear God something has go to give.

  26. Cm says:

    My partner and i have been together 2 years now. At the start we went out together every week drinking until i realised he liked to continue drinking the next day. A few months in and he disappeared for 3 days. He promised he ewould never do that again but 2 months later it did, and every month after that for 4 months until i had enough.i rarely drink anymore for i constantly worry he will leave me for days on end. We split for 3 months but i then took him back as everytime he was genuienly sorry and he would never do it again. He does recognise there is a tendancy there for his drinking and has made massive progress with gettin himself together sincd we met. His finacial status has got better… he can go without a drink for months and it would not annoy him.He is the most genuienly loving most decent man i have ever met when sober. He would do anything for me and has the kindest heart…. except when hes had a drink. I took him back and agreed he can stick to a few beer now and again as he said it was just the spirit’s or shots that make him want to drink the next day. All went well for 6 months… we got engaged and a month later he went on another rampage… as we speak its tuesday…. hes been gone since saturday morning. Im a girl in my 20s and he is in his 30s. I constantly get promises that it wont happen again. I love this man with all my heart… he is well liked and the most generous friendly person you would ever meet and someday I know he will be a great father.my family adore him. I adore him.. how can i help him see what he will be losing.

  27. Ginger says:

    I have lost who I am…I don’t know how to feel, love, live without shame or embarrassment or to simply live normal. All I ask for is normalcy, does that even exist? I have built up so many walls to try my best protect my kids from seeing what their father does and how he behaves. I want them to grow up to be good strong men who don’t need to turn alcohol to hide their problems. I have been married for 23 years and the last 7 have been the most miserable in my life. I find it impossible to please or satisfy him, he is always so negative and i know that has rubbed off on me. I feel I have become cold and emotionless. We can’t agree on a simple things such as a place to eat. We know a lot of people but don’t have any true friends as they are all turned off on how he behaves. My family deals with him for the sake of keeping peace. We can’t even go on family vacations for my husband complains the entire time! How can a person not have fun with people they love? I still try to include him (because I feel I have to) on them but hope in the back of my mind that he doesn’t go or backs out at last minute. My kids and I have learned to have fun in our free time away from him. I think it’s terribly sad my child will say, when can we go somewhere – we need to get away from dad. After the last several months and one major incident – I finally had enough and filed for divorce. However, I have placed it on hold as he has said he will seek help. (something he’s never agreed to before). Me feeling as the guilty party agreed to see what he will do. He attended AA for about 4 days, then made some excuse not to go. When I busted him this weekend drinking again, he blamed me for saying he didn’t have to go to AA everyday – which i never said. Why do I feel the most guilt from this, why do I have to feel it’s my fault if I don’t give him a chance – why do I have to give him a chance when I truly know how this is going to play out. How long do I play this game? I don’t know if I even love him anymore – I feel I am just doing all of this out of emotions and i guess for some reason not to appear as the bad person for ending my marriage. I feel I would be that person who left when he was at his weakest, the person who didn’t give him a chance. This is so unfair, I have dealt with so much over the years why can’t it be easy! Deep down, I know I am a good person and deserve better, I guess it’s the unknown that is scary and somewhat forces me to stay. However, I do find myself gaining more courage and strength every day to do what’s best for me – just hope I know know when to say when……

  28. Mary jane says:

    Most of these women sound younger than I am but the story is the same. We love our dysfunctional mates to the point of losing our own identities n sometimes our possessions. My husband and I have been married 37 years. The last two have been legal separation. He turned into a ‘functional alcoholic’ n has been let go from several high-paying jobs for being ‘crazy’. I spent a year and one half with a relative to ‘heal’ but it was really hiding. We lost our house during divorce arguments. I can’t stand to look at certain homes because they remind me of ours. Our back yard was beautiful, like a park. I miss that too. I miss any feeling of being normal. I am next in line for a senior apartment n have moved to stay with my son for a couple of weeks. I resent living out of boxes and in someone’s extra room where available. I would like to be able to have my sewing machine set up n work on quilts. I have stuff that’s stored at three different places n feel like I may leave this world an inflict my kids n friends with disposal of my junk. I visited my ex recently n he has not given up drinking or smoking. He still tries to hide those habits from me. He’s just pathetic. At least now I can leave n not have to put up with the meanness or lies. All I ever wanted was a man who loved me. Somewhere he learned to love the bottle more. I don’t want anyone else to pick up
    After n lie to cover their dysfunction. I just want peace. Please pray for me.

  29. sarah says:

    Oh my god! I am so glad I found this. I am currently writing this in desperation as I am laying in my puddle of tears. Next week is my 16th anniversary and I have have been together with my husband for a total of 18 years. Over the past 6 or 7 years I have watched him get progressively worse with the alcohol and now he drinks almost daily and the hard stuff. Shot after shot after shot! He blaims his work schedule or his boss and says that if he got a different job it would all be different. I dont buy it. He is mean, and arrogant too. He calls our kids names and keeps them up all the time yelling. He has broke countless pieces of furniture and electronics
    During a drunken rages. I am always so on edge because sometimes he is really nice when he drinks and then its like a switch will flip and this a@# hole will jusy come out of nowhere. I try to do anything i can to keep that scary man from coming out and get so much anxiety the second he starts drinking because of what he will say or do. He will sometimes get really drunk all by himself and then stay up all night texting other woman. He says it is just friends but i have saw thw texts and they are way over the top flirtatious! I am exhausted and dont know what to do because I know that deep down under this mess he is in he is a great guy! I still love him and promised to be there through thick but all i want to do is escape!!

  30. Jane says:

    I fell in love with my husband’s smile, his kindness, his joy and confindence. We met in college and shared dreams of a great future both with high hopes and very driven. The problem began when he became stuck in a job that seemed to provide him with success in the form of open bar drinking parties and ‘title promotions’ that seemed like more like pay cutbacks for more work. It all didn’t seem right, but he was fooled and after 7 years of dedication, it was all over and they no longer needed him and several 100 other dedicated employees. He rarely drank when we met and when he did it was for fun. After this happened the reason he drank changed and the way he acted when he was drunk changed. He became a different person, he didn’t care about me, he would be blackout drunk and be verbally and mentally abusive. Now he is unemployed and has been for several months with an alcohol problem and a nicotine problem that I’m not sure how he is able to financially support. We have a young child and I have hope that one day he will wake up and be the man I fell in love with. My hope is fading and I don’t know how much longer I’m willing to wait.

  31. Yvonne says:

    Been with my husband for 20 years, 3 kids. Love him but when the drink takes hold…. right now he moved out the family home to try and get sober after going on a 3 day bender days after my aunt that raised me died. He had given up work, i work full time but have just paid the last of my secret money stash on the Mortgage, no idea what happens next month. Right now he is on a bender, mutual friends have contacted me to say he has been turning up at his old work in a state. He has been awol for 48 hours – where is he getting the money?
    Family and friends say leave him, why are you putting up with this. I cry, get angry, get strong, think I can cope, think I can’t take anymore. It is hell living like this and I hope, pray that he can get sober and be the amazing man I fell in love with – that is why I am still here – the hope.

  32. Jess says:

    My husband and I have been together for 11 years in may, married for 9 in April. We have a no children together but 3 each from previous marriages (a total of 6)two are grown and the other four live with us full time. We work for the same company and have had a pretty great relationship for the most part in my eyes…he is kind, caring and we have great conversations. Everything on that end is fine….but there is the drinking. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks almost daily and drinks from the time he gets home to the time he goes to bed during the week and starts early on Saturday afternoons and continues drinking through Sunday night on most occasions. This isn’t anything new. Normally we have a cycle. About once every three-four months he will do something really really stupid ending us up in a huge fight and then he will apologize and cut back for a while and then three-four months later, another incident will occur. I have been trying to convince him for years that alcohol is the reason for his troubles. He will never admit it and never quit. I have only asked him to quit completely once, and he did for a bout a year and then, he went back. I have always just asked him to cut back becuase i dont think there is anything wrong with a person have a drink or two every so often.

    One of my issues is that I like to drink also. Not often, but I like to have a drink on a Friday night while out to dinner. One or two is my highest limit. Not him. He starts drinking before we even go to the restaurant and continues long after. Then bad things happen. Like i said he is not mean, just…stupid. Lets start with the big bad things:

    -IN the first year we met, he had 3 DUIs resulting in thousands of dollars paid for him to go through ASAP and to get his license back which took four years. I had to drive him around for years. One of them was a hit and run where he ran into a house and i was in the passenger seat and went through the windshield. I was lucky to survive.
    -He got really really drunk along time ago (before he knew me) when he was in his early twenties and slept with his sister. (Mind you they didn’t know each other, they had just met but really, still.)
    -He shot someone in the hand by accident (again, long before he ever met me but still)
    -He lost custody of his boys to their grama because he overslept on the court date and it took 10 years for him to get custody back. He just got it back BTW
    -He is so far in debt, owes back taxes, overdrafts his bank account (no, we don’t share one) and has maxed out all of his credit cards…but he ALWAYS has money for a bottle. (He doesn’t drink the cheap stuff either. I’m talking Captain Morgan, folks.)

    Those are the things that scream out to me as “big”. Now lets talk about the small things.
    -He constantly sleepwalks. Naked, sometimes. I sleep with one eye open every night because I want to be sure he doesn’t walk naked into one of the kid’s rooms. While he has never done that, he has ended up in the backyard once, and one of the kids saw him naked.
    -The kids have no respect for him because he constantly tried to have serious conversations with them when he is drunk. He gets angry that they dont respect him and doesn’t know why. Heres your sign??
    -He is addicted to porn, meaning, sex is almost irrelevant in our relationship. I never realized that this was an attribute of alcoholism until i started reading up on it. He gets drunk and watches porn. I wrote him a long letter about this just a couple of weeks ago and how it hurt me so bad that we never slept together and he literally read it, cracked a bottle, and then i walked in on him doing his thing to some porn. Needless to say, I threw his computer. It didn’t break unfortunately. He admiited once that he got so much lube on the bed while he was drunk and passed out with it in his hand while i was out of town that he had to wash the sheets. I took him back. He once admitted to me that he was engaging in live porn. I took him back. Stupid.
    -Recently I went out of town and when i came back, i felt like someone had been in my house. He told me he had “a get together” We NEVER have people over. So come to find out his brother and people (INCLUDING WOMEN) that I don’t know came over and drank with him and he doesn’t even remember what happened after that. He was too drunk. Apparently they all spent the night? Oh ya, one of our kids was there that night too…
    -He calls his sister on facetime while he is naked in the bath. Because it is funny. Yes, that sister. ????
    -Last week he got so drunk and his son had the flu and was throwing up profusely for about 6 hours. He was adamant that he wanted to help him so i gave him some guidance and he instead, brought him into the living room instead of quarantining him from the others, made him gulp down a protein drink until he got even more sick, and when i called him out on it, told me to F off.
    -He always friends random women on facebook when he is drunk. I have caught him often having conversations with them.
    -He slurs his words and says things that make absolutely no sense. He spills things, pisses himself, stumbles all over the place, it is so unattractive i wanna puke.

    These are just some that i came up with off the top of my head. I confront him about these things and he finds a way to blame me for everything that happens. Here’s the straw that broke the camels back. Saturday night i told him i needed him to make a decision, me or the drinking. He said THE DRINKING. Can you believe that? Can you believe that this man is confidently ending his marriage with me without even trying to do anything about it because he would rather drink?! My biggest concern here is that he will take his children that he fought so hard for and he will loose them within weeks. He is talking about moving to his mothers house (who is ALSO an alcoholic, mind you) but he cant because she smokes in the house and his son has asthma. I have advised him to get an apartment. He ignores me. Sleeps on the couch, stays on his computer and does God knows what. This has been going on since Saturday. The issue before this where the people came to my house was a month ago. So much for the three-four month breaks.
    I think he has finally given up on everything and i don’t know what to do. I want him to leave on one hand, but on the other i don’t. I don’t want the kids to suffer and i do love him when he goes through his “good periods” We have built a life together. Many years! I am so torn and so upset and so sick of this. My oldest son is 20 and he is a heroin addict who has been through rehab and has a good job and is doing well. My first husband was a drug addict who eventually sucomed to his addictions two years ago. I honestly feel like i am in this cycle with these people and i have know way how to get out. I want to run away, take my kids and go…but i dont know how….

  33. Kris d says:

    I’ve been married for 25 years and my husband knows he’s a drunk but he does not care he does not take anything seriously every thing is a joke. I feel being married to him is terrible. I don’t want another 25 years of this. I would like to help him but he does not want help. He bitter rude and just plain not right what can I do? I wish I had a way out!

  34. Kate says:

    I never thought this would happen to me. I met my husband at church when I was 18 and we got married when I was almost 20. It’s hard to pin down when exactly the excessive drinking started, but sometime last year he started wetting the bed and passing out in the couch (and wetting that) 4 or more times per week. He always tries to hide how many times he gets refill drinks from me… I don’t know why because it’s obvious he’s drinking. He mixes juice with different liquors in a 32oz bottle and usually has at least 2 of them. He also makes excuses for wetting the bed like “I sweater through the sheets” which is just obviously not true. We lost some friends because the husband made a comment to me once about “he was really drunk last night huh?” And I passed it along in a fight. Sometimes he blames me and my parents for his drinking, when he does acknowledge that he drinks too much. I’m not sure where to go from here. Most nights he holds it together until our daughter is in bed, but I dread coming back after laying he down. Constant yelling, paranoia, and making a big deal of little things. He always thinks the worst of me. Nad in the morning, he remembers about 10% of it. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together.

  35. Deni says:

    My adult son has been addicted to alcohol, gave that up, then pain pills, then video games, now serious drugs. He has lived with me for 8 years for free. He is wonderful between addictions. He has stolen thousands from me. It got particularly bad last fall,when he took about $6000 from an inheritance I received. He told me he spent it on the floor a friend of his was installing in my house. I got a new car, after 12 years with my old one. He put 20,000 miles on it in 6 months. Finally he let his girlfriend drive it and she totalled it. I put him out and told him he could come back after rehab. He snuck in with his girlfriend and I found them in his room at 5an. I kicked then both out but now he says he is sleeping outside. He has no job, no money, no car. He is trying to manipulate me again. I am trying to stay strong. Reading these stories helps. Thank you for sharing.

  36. Salina says:

    I am so lost, I’m angry, then I burst into tears and now I go cold… married for 10 years been with him since I was 17 now 38! I actually feel comfort in writing, people I don’t know reading my story, understanding my pain. Why do I stay, love this man dearly, but I am so tied, so sad every evening …. I hurry to tuck the kids in bed, trying to shelter them from their dad. He hates me when he’s drunk and I hate to be around him. The kids are not babies anymore and I try my best to protect them from seeing him plastered.
    My head is so heavy, so disappointed in myself and confused as a mother. I go through it all, ezxavtkt what everyone describes, heartache, abuse et

    So alone

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