Do you think the drinking is your fault?

Published by at 9:28 am under Common Concerns

Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery from Al-Anon Family Groups.  This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Today we have Tobias with us.  Tobias is an Al-Anon member who is the brother of an alcoholic in recovery.

How to locate a meeting

75 comments

75 comments on “Do you think the drinking is your fault?”

  1. Stacie says:

    I used to think my friend drank to relax and socialize with others. As the years went by, I started to noticed she drank more when we would disagree and so I started thinking I was a reason she was drinking. Then when my friend got to a sober state of mind she would yell and tell me, do not let me drink again no matter what. So I refused to purchased it and she got mad. She would sneak around and find ways to get the beer and say she had not been drinking. That was the first sign that she was an alcoholic and needed help. But I was very blue, so to say, about it. That was 10 years ago. Now after a 19-year relationship, we have started AA meetings, both closed and open. I will start Al-Anon tonight and I hope that the next 10 or more years will be better.

    She is smart and funny and very educated when she is sober and I like her better when she is sober. I think I stayed because if I left where would she be now. And after her last relapse, I thought I was going to have to make that tough-love decision and just stop talking and caring all together.

    My biggest problem was being the enabler. I hated when she called me that. I was not enabling her. I was doing as she asked me to do. Well, I saw the light when after being sober for 30 days she came to the car and said the AA challenge for her was to purchase a bottle and to return it in 7 days unopened. Well, in my mind I thought she was wrong, but I did not know what went on in AA and if it was so.

    She lost and the alcohol won that time. Then she would not talk to me for 3 days, then said on Friday I need a meeting on Saturday. I asked her why not tonight and she accepted and we attended an open meeting every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She attends all the other nights and I attend a local Al-Anon on Thursdays. I was the enabler and I needed to learn how to stop. Listening to the podcast and seeing that I am not the only enabler out there helps me to get to the one-day-at-a-time method of the AA.

  2. Jean says:

    I have only been married for 2 years and dated my husband a year before we were married. I knew he drank, but it didn’t seem to be a problem and he always was a lot of fun when drinking. After we were married he got laid off of his job and we went out to karaoke and he had quite a lot to drink and we were talking about past stuff in each of our lives and he just blew up. There was no real reason. It was just conversation. He belittled me the entire night, not to mention the trying to stop him from driving off in the car drunk.

    This happened one more time while he was laid off. His daughter told me he doesn’t do well when he isn’t working, and one other time while laid off he had a real hard time. I blew it off, thinking that was the reason.

    It is starting to happen more frequently, the last 3 times we went anywhere for the weekend, two of those times he became belligerent when drunk. This last time scared me a lot. I had to actually call the police because he was so out of control and was going to drive off in our RV drunk. He also was going to hit my son because my son told him he should just go to bed. My son is an adult.

    The officer who responded ended up knowing me and my sons, as he went to school with my sons. He sat me down and talked to me. I think that officer changed my life. He told me, “Your husband is eventually going to hurt you. You don’t need to live this way.” It was at that moment I realized my husband is an alcoholic.

    I have done a lot of reading over the last few days. I also sent a quiz to my husband to take, which he did and said he does have a problem. I told him straight out, one more drink or even one time of calling me a name and our marriage is done. I said I married you because I wanted you, not because I needed you, and I just might not want you anymore.

    I am prepared to follow through. I also later found out that he acts that way only when he drinks enough to black out, because he doesn’t remember a lot of what happened, just bits and pieces. I will say right now it has changed my feelings. I don’t trust him and I no longer feel safe with him. The unfortunate thing is the last two times this happened we were away from home in a place where I felt stuck, because I am not able to drive the RV.

    This is my second marriage. I never remarried after my divorce, which was 23 years ago, until meeting my husband. He is very good to me, except on the times when he drinks way too much. My son said I should separate, but I told my son I am married now and I do need to give him that one chance to fix it. He also that night realized he has a problem, at least it’s what he states. He says he will never drink again. I asked him if he thought he could do it with no support, and he says he can. I pray he can and I don’t lose my husband. I do know if this marriage fails I am done with men.

  3. Karen says:

    I feel helpless; forced to deal with his depression. I’m divided, because I feel sorry for my husband when he’s sober and I dispise him when he’s drunk. He has this hatred look towards me and says mean, hurtful things. Like, he is convinced I ruined his life.

    I feel it’s my fault for putting up with his bad behavior. And when he’s confronted, he denies any wrong doings. I wish I had it on video to show him.

    Financially, I’m stuck and he has access to my apartment when I go to work. I want to move where he can’t find me. If I can’t have him sober I don’t want him. I can’t forget all the mean things he has done to me.

    Hopefully, the courts will make him take anger managment classes and he’ll be on the road to recover. It’s heartwrenching, to watch a strong military man with so much potential fall victim to alcohol. Weaken to the point where he lacks the willpower needed to stay sober and manage his life.

    Finally, thank you for being here so I can express my feelings. This gives me private closure so I can get on with my life.

  4. Leeanne, OK says:

    I love what I heard someone say in a meeting. “I can’t be nice enough to stop him/her from drinking and I can’t be mean enough to make him/her drink.” Active alcoholics are people who use alcohol to solve their “problem,” whatever that is–i.e. low self-esteem, the inability to face life as it is, their deep emotional pain, etc. For them, alcohol is the answer. It really has nothing to do with me, no matter what they may say.

  5. VooDooKitty says:

    As I sit here typing this, I am in tears. It is dreadful that so many seem to be going through similar if not exact situations. At the same time, it is a relief to know that I am not alone.

    I have placed blame for my husband’s habit upon myself for several years now. Thinking all of those little “what-if’s” that drive me deeper and deeper into my hole, struggling, crying and wondering if I will ever be able to climb out of it.

    I don’t remember him being like this the whole time we’ve been together. Sure, he enjoyed having a drink or two here and there. Not a big deal, right? I sat back this weekend, looking over the past 11 years of our marriage, and realized that he’s had the habit all along, he’s just brought it out into the public eye more over the last several years.

    I have spoken with him when he was sober about my worries and concerns. He straightens up for a couple of weeks, sometimes even a month. However, my fuse is getting shorter and shorter. The drinking has worn me down and I just don’t have the heart, respect, love or patience to do it anymore. I am tired of feeling that I am the only one fighting for this family, for this marriage. I don’t want our boys to grow up thinking that this behavior is acceptable.

    There are no Al-Anon meetings near to me. The closest is 45 minutes away. I needed to find help for my children and for myself before the alcoholism ruined us all. By the grace of God, this site appeared in my search.

  6. LH says:

    Worst day today. For the first time he got physically aggressive, but I jumped out of the way in time. I guess I pushed him to it, insisting that his drinking is my fault and that everyone knew he wasn’t sober except me, etc. He didn’t have any choice but to come at me that way.

    He says I need to work on myself and go to Al-Anon more, get a sponsor, get help. It is true: my thinking is completely irrational and I feel like I am going crazy and that everything is my fault. I feel horrible.

    He says he is simply telling me the truth about myself, but can we take what alcoholics say as “the truth”? Is there a time when they are completely right and we are the insane ones? It feels that way right now.

  7. j says:

    My daughter is a 34-year-old alcoholic. She has lost her home, her kids, can’t hold down a job for more then 2 days. I’ve started attending Al-Anon meetings that have helped, but I still feel so much guilt.

    She called me the other day needing money to take care of her court fines. I don’t want to give her any more money. That’s when the guilt sets in. When she does get money she wastes it all, on what I don’t know.

    I do a lot of praying for her. I’m so worried about the outcome with her life. I told her she could live here with me and get well, but I can’t have any drinking.

    The 1st day she was here, she sneaked down to the bar. She had drunk so much by the time she got back home she started having seizures. We had to call an ambulance and she was rushed to the hospital again.

    She has since left my home because she doesn’t have enough freedom staying with me, so she says.
    I feel so much anger at times towards her. I can’t believe how someone can mess up their life. She blames everyone else for her problems and won’t take any responsibilty. I’m also praying for a miracle.

  8. P says:

    My husband is supposed to be sober. He starts arguments and fights and tries to make me feel like I am crazy. Everything is my fault and what I am doing wrong. He lies about all of his court stuff and I always find the truth out later. I love him and want to believe he is sober as he constantly states he is. My gut says no way.

    I am so confused and sad that I put myself in this situation. Why is it always my fault when he is the one lying and hiding things? Why can’t he ever take responsibility for his own actions. This disease is so sad. I am heartbroken and I am praying for a miracle.

  9. LMT says:

    I love, “The less you did the sicker he got” and “..get off the road so God could get at him,” and “..until he said that what he was doing was causing him a problem, it wasn’t.” Such eye-opening and wise words for me. Along with the 3 C’s listed in so many posts.

    As much as I don’t want to go, I will be at Al-Anon tonight. I feel like I have spent years trying to fix myself/others – read all the co-dependent books when I found them in my 20’s even though I did not grow up with an alcoholic. What is up with that, anyway? I am sick of fixing. But I guess I need it…..

  10. Louise G says:

    Yes, I did blame myself for the drinking. My husband never told me I was the reason he drank–I did that to myself. I thought it was my job to make him happy and if he was happy he wouldn’t have to drink, so every 3-4 years I would reinvent myself.

    I would lose weight, take more care with my appearance, be more loving, etc. and nothing would change. He still drank, so I quietly told myself, see it’s you.

    The 3 C’s were the reason I went to my second meeting. I wasn’t sure if they said I wasn’t the reason he drank, so I went back to make sure that was what they said. A lady pointed her finger at me and said that I was the one with the problem.

    I was furious–she said until he said that what he was doing was causing him a problem, it wasn’t. It was causing ME a problem. I understood what she meant. Then she told me I was not powerful enough to make anyone drink or stop. What a relief to know that his drinking had nothing to do with me.

    Until I got here, I took his drinking personally. I felt that he was drinking at me. As I learned to separate his stuff from mine, my life got much simpler. The less I did, the sicker he got. Someone told me to get out of the road so God could get at him. What a concept !!!

  11. Jennifer says:

    I will be attending my first Al-Anon meeting today in 15 years – I am also a recovering alcoholic – 6 years sober. However now I find myself in a situation a lot like some of the others who have posted. About 10 months ago, I met another AA and fell in love. I was so happy to find someone I had so much fun with and who seemed to be absolutely in love with me too. I had finally found someone who treated me exactly the way I had always wanted to be treated. While sober, he’s a wonderful person with a kind and loving heart. Unfortunately, he did what a lot of us alcoholics do – stop going to meetings, calling our sponsors, etc. He decided to put financial gain ahead of sobriety. So after about 4 months of dating he relapsed. From then on, it became more and more frequent.

    The problem I have now is, I am still in love with him, but I don’t want to put my own sobriety in danger. We have weeks of no contact but he eventually always calls. And I always answer. I keep hearing that he loves me and misses me, but there is always some excuse for not seeing me or calling me – if I were dealing with a “normal” person, I could use common sense rules about dating – “if he’s not calling or seeing you, it’s because he doesn’t want to call or see you” but I don’t know what to think about it anymore. I know intellectually about this disease and how I myself felt while I was in the middle of it – but being in love with someone seems to cloud all that.

    I know I cannot expect sober behavior out of someone who is definitely not sober, but I keep doing it anyway. I know I need to take care of myself and my sobriety now. I don’t honestly know how some people do it – I know there has to be some way to detach with love – but the whole situation is breaking my heart. I know that he loves me. But I also know the power of addiction. It doesn’t matter how much you love someone, when the disease is your master, nothing else matters.

    I can’t make him back into the man he was when I fell in love with him – and even if I “had” him back now, I don’t even want the man that he has become. I want to have hope that if I just detach and leave it all alone, that he may come to a place where he wants sobriety again. Letting go and letting God has been one of the hardest struggles I have had the past few months.

  12. Paulaq22 says:

    I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 10 years. I knew he drank before we got married–we both did. Just didn’t know he drank so much or that he gets beligerent. My third marriage, so I haven’t left, yet. I did leave 5 yrs ago because of his drinking. I said that I loved him but couldn’t take the life anymore. I said that I would give him a yr to figure it out. He only quit drinking after 6 months of separation and an OUI .27.

    He was sober about 3 months and we started hanging out together again and I moved back in about 11 1/2 months after I left. He was sober but didn’t go to AA or get counseling for about another 6 months, then started drinking again. It really has been a steady decline since. 3 weeks ago I found him in bed with a life-long friend of mine. I guess that was the last straw.

    He say’s he is going to stop drinking, only after I told him I knew that I couldn’t be with him if he drank. Says he is going to get help. Won’t go to AA though. I am not sure I want him anymore. In fact, I am thinking I don’t. Haven’t been attracted to him in quite some time.

    Our finances are a shambles. I am an RN and make pretty good money. I think I would be better off w/o him. I just feel used and abused by this whole situation. Ashamed that I am in this spot at this time in my life. Don’t know how to stay and don’t know how to leave. Not sure of anything right now. I HATE this.

  13. mia says:

    How do you deal with the embarrassment caused by your husband’s drinking? I am so ashamed of how he has acted, and so ashamed that I still remain married to him. I won’t even sit in my yard because I can’t stand the neighbors’ pitiful looks. I know I should leave him. But I can’t figure out how.

    I had to quit my job of 20 years because I was afraid to leave my child home without a sober person there. Without an income, I have no access to money. I don’t even have a penny to my name. He resents me quiting my job. So now he doles out the money for groceries, lunch money, etc. He doesn’t give me any money for myself. Nothing! My clothes are falling apart. I haven’t had a haircut in forever. I don’t own a piece of jewelry or have any makeup/hygiene products. My car is in his name. I have no family to help, and I don’t have any friends.

    I only have a few more years till my child graduates. And I have told myself that I can endure all of this until my child is out of the house. But then who is going to hire a disheveled, unkempt woman in rags? I can’t figure how to get out of this mess. Now I walk on eggshells, trying not to say or do the wrong thing. He works all day without drinking, than comes home and gets blasted. When he is drinking, he is loud, sarcastic, and mean. When we go somewhere I always have to come to be the DD, so he won’t get into a wreck and possibly hurt someone. It always seems like I am babysitting this grown man. I don’t argue anymore because I don’t want my child to hear it. I don’t even know who I am anymore. How do you live with this kind of shame?

  14. last resort rlm says:

    I just wanted to thank all those who have shared their deep dark secrets. Today has been a very rough day, that was supposed to be a family fun-filled day. I have been attending Al-Anon for the last 5 months and been trying to follow all the tools that have been given to me during them. Each meeting gives me another day of hope. I do my daily literature, meditation and prayers and thought I was on my way .

    Then I did something STUPID and admitted my wrong doings to my alcoholic, trying to follow my program by making my amends instead of covering it up. And now I’m back at square one again. I’m still addicted to my alcoholic and love him deeply, but now I’m scared again and don’t know where to turn. Having this website to go to has helped ease my pain and given the Faith, Strength and Hope to get back up on the horse and try again. Like Dee said, YOU ARE NOT ALONE and I’m grateful that tomorrow I can attend a meeting and hopefully get back on track. THANKS AGAIN!!

  15. Angela A. says:

    I believe that the disease of alcoholism can be fatal for me — and I DO NOT DRINK! Loving and living with an alcoholic without the help I have found in the Al-Anon program would be too much for me. I am so very grateful that I can go to an Al-Anon meeting TODAY!

    Each meeting I attend helps me a little bit more to heal from the effects of living with this disease. I always come away with a bit more hope and some practical tools that I can apply to many different areas of my life. I am a walking, breathing miracle–thanks to the help and the people I have found in Al-Anon.

  16. Dee says:

    I’m also in the same situation as you. My son is 25 and I’ve done nothing but fix and mend and try and figure out where I went wrong. We take a small step forward and a large step back. He has lost a good job, girlfriend, driving, and unfortuatley his self-esteem,confidence, and now feels usless. I can even go away for one night in fear that he will drink and hurt something or someone.

    I’m trying very hard to accept that it’s out of my hands, but as a mom it will always be me that he runs to. My hubby says throw him out. So do my daughters, but how do you do that?

    Just wanted you to know your not alone and I feel your heartache. Sending my hugs your way.

  17. DONNA says:

    Yes, at times I feel like it’s my fault. He creates an argument and mentally abuses me, and I find myself defending myself–or having to pull away from him emotionally. He takes all his money and goes on a drunk—binge drinking for up to 30 days at some points and then says he doesn’t want to argue–but he created it. I don’t understand that. I need my peace and serenity.

  18. jorrissey says:

    This sight is helpful. I learned already in a couple of min. about the 3 “c’s.” I am planning on a meeting!

    My son is 28 years old and blames me for everything wrong in his life. I am so guilt-ridden that I buy into most of it, which in turn is making me sick! I work full time and make enough to scrape by, I feel guilty for that even though he is jobless and living with me! I think that I made very bad choices which affected my children (now all grown) so that is why I have tried to make things right, to make things better. I see that I am making things worse.

    I have tried leaving him alone. He lived with a 54-year-old drug addict/alcoholic and drank, did drugs, and God only knows what else. He even wore out his welcome there! THE OLD ALCOHOLIC NO LONGER WANTED HIM THERE. That is how he ended up back here. For you see, he has lived with me from the age of 21 to 24, had his own apartment for a year and a half, and at 27 lived with his father. That lasted 6 months approx. and then back to alcoholic friend and now for last 2 1/2 very long months back with me!

    He stole alcohol today, and suddenly was drunk. I had no idea how at first. Got extremely beligerent in front of 2-year-old (Grand baby} his niece. He said very cutting remarks, very angry comments towards me about things that I am guilty for. I am at the point where I want to be gone. I don’t think I should be around people, since this is how I have affected those around me.

    I cannot throw him out on the street. That is what his Dad recommends I do. His Dad was the alcoholic drug user. I am the one that attracts them! Married a recovering alcoholic after divorcing him, and although I have never drank or taken drugs I feel pretty useless.

  19. Gayle S says:

    I posted a rather lengthy post earlier but I wanted to add that I have read some of the posts here and it is utterly unbelievable how similar some of the situations are to mine. They made me feel a little better about my own self.

    I still have this unbelievable sadness inside me, sometimes so bad that I can’t breathe. I wish my husband would come to me and tell me that he will stop drinking and that he still loves me and wants to keep our marriage intact. But I know that’s wishful thinking. My husband has always said that he does not have a drinking problem and when he drives drunk, he always knows what he’s doing and he has been very lucky. In 18 years, he has never had a DUI.

    I can’t stand the fact that booze and boozing friends can come before me. It makes me so angry. I WANT TO BE FIRST.

    My husband and I went to counseling for a while after he tried to strangle me and I had him arrested. The counseling was part of the agreement we made with the DA. He walked out of the last session and would never go back because I told the counselor that evening that I didn’t think our marriage was going to work and that I couldn’t stay any longer.

    I am back in counseling and I am going to go even if it’s for the rest of my life.

    I loved this man so much. He saved me 19 years ago but he broke my heart when he stopped loving me back.

  20. Gayle S says:

    I have been married for 19 years to a man whose drinking has become steadily worse over the years. The first year of our marriage, there was hardly any drinking. When we were dating, we would both go to a bar, have a beer and that was it. After we moved to Tennessee and my husband started his business, the 3-4 night visits to the local bars with the guys he employed started. The domestic abuse started after that. There are at least 4 domestic violence reports with our local police department, including 2 arrests of my husband. Over the years, there has been a succession of different men he has employed that he befriends because they drink together and no matter how many times I told him that he couldn’t employ people during the day and drink with them at night, he never listened. The bar locations changed as did the men he employed and drank with.

    We have been separated 4 times during our marriage, with me always moving out and then he asks me to come back and the behavior starts again.

    We are currently separated at this time and I have filed for divorce. But an interesting thing came up recently in a discussion I was having with a friend. My attorney has been having a difficult time getting my husband served with the divorce papers and my friend told me to give my attorney the names and addresses of some of his drinking friends or places that he hangs out. And I thought for a few minutes and realized that I do not know even one single name of a person or friend of my husband’s or an address or place where he goes to drink or just hang out at some friend’s house. It’s like I realized for the first time that my husband has a whole secret life that I know nothing about. Is that normal for a drinker who is married?

    The last bar/pool hall he used to go to last year, he stopped going there because he got so drunk one night, that the bartender called me at about 1 in the morning and told me I had to come pick him up. I should have left him there but I didn’t. I got dressed and drove to the bar which is pretty close to our house and picked him up. He was horribly drunk, barely able to walk to my car. And I remember feeling so embarrassed.

    My husband is extremely talented. There is nothing that he can’t build, fix or repair, whether it’s household, vehicles – anything. He built our granddaughter the most beautiful white cabinet for her American Girl dolls and he always gets terrific references for work that he is hired to do but our house, which we have been living in for 18 years does not have one single room in it that is completely finished. We bought a fixer and have done a lot of work to it, all of which my husband has done. However, there are rooms that need one or 2 things but have never been completed. I never understood that. He takes such pride in work he does for others but his own home, he doesn’t seem to care.

    I”ve never dealt with an addicted person. I still love my husband but I know that I can’t stop him from drinking even though I still want to try but know that’s it’s futile. I don’t know why he married me. For the past 18 years, he’s really led a single man’s life.

  21. new to this says:

    I have been married for 6 short years to a wonderful man – the father of our three young children. I really just can’t believe that I am married to an alcoholic. For the first few years, he rarely drank, but my husband is now a functioning alcoholic – son of another functioning alcoholic. I am just so confused. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I do look for the “why” answers and I do look to myself for the reasons he drinks.

    I feel like I have to understand it. It hurts. It feels like a personal assault. A few times he has put himself in life-threatening situations due to his drinking and otherwise it has become an everyday thing. Other than the drinking, he is so wonderful – really an honorable man, smart, loving, a loyal friend, who provides for his family and it makes me think that maybe I am asking too much for him to be sober. But then again, I guess I can’t really ask that?? I don’t know.

    I don’t get it – how am I supposed to let go? This is my husband, this is the father of my children. How am I supposed to detach from my spouse? Am I supposed to walk around and ignore the drinking? That is a serious question.

    I am confused by a disease that cannot be cured and I am supposed to let go. I don’t want to let it go, I want him to stop. His drinking makes me angry, resentful, sad, embarassed, and worried. Obviously, I am new to this. I am not at peace with any of this. I love my husband with great intensity. We have talks – but we (or he) never get anywhere. I am truly confused.

  22. Addicted to a Alcoholic says:

    I have read everyone’s comments. I will be having an anniversary of 23 years with my alcoholic. I know and admit it has affected me. Somewhere deep inside I believed it was my fault (some how). My alcoholic has liver damage and there is only one place he will be going. So far there has been no way out for him. He chooses his hopeless future.

    He doesn’t want an answer to alcohol. I think his brain is damaged. I give him to the Lord to deal with and keep praying that there is hope on getting him to recovery. Hoping it isn’t too late. Meanwhile I have to learn to look after myself. Something I haven’t done a good job at since all my attention was on my alcoholic.

  23. D.J. E says:

    In Al-Anon I have learned many great tools that I use every single day of my life. I can relate to most of the above sharings. First of all , thank you all for sharing. As a recovering Al-Anon I find it helps me to reflect. Very true about the 3 C’s! They are a defining tool for me. After my wife left treatment (for the 2nd time) I was left empty, lifeless, hopeless, shameful, and angry. I had no clue on what was the next step. Our children were affected greatly as well.

    I finally listened to my sister and went to my first Al-Anon meeting 2 yrs ago. I must say, it was the first day of my new life. I felt the compassion I had longed for for so many years. I had seen all these people that were so common to me experiencing the same pain and hardship that I was feeling. They told me to “Keep Coming Back”, so I did. For a while I didn’t get it all, but I did feel a sense of peace. I kept coming back. When I learned the 3 C’s, I finally understood where my thinking was distorted. I Believed I could Control, Cure, and maybe that I caused it. Al-Anon taught me what the reality of this disease is. There was absolutely Nothing that I could do about it. Step 1: I am powerless over alcohol, my life was and is unmanagable.

    The only thing I can control is my attitude, ME. I often wondered as most of us do, “What’s Next?” I got my answer as I kept coming back. I got a Sponsor or 3 and “Got Busy”. I started working the steps and my life was transformed!

    I became the man I am today. One that is Respectful, Loving, Caring, and Ultimately Faithful. I know now that without this program my life would still be a tattered and torn hell.

    My Children are now very interested in Alateen and I’m working hard to get an Alateen meeting started in our area. My hopes and Prayers are that they will come to understand just what and how Alcoholism affected them. This type of Healthy Helping is one of my many tools as well, Service.

    There is Help for all of us. Peace and Serenity have been found in many Al-Anon rooms. I found it when I thought there was absolutely no help for me. I will keep all who are struggling and are affected by this disease in my prayers. It seemed very hard at first when I wasn’t in Al-Anon. Now I just take it “One Day at a Time”.

  24. Harvey H says:

    My wife is combining prescription meds with alcohol and has become abusive to our 10-year-old child and myself when she is intoxicated. I love her very much, and I have stressed to her I will stick by her and help her through detox and treatment. She is in denial and believes she can deal with this on her own and continue to “have an occasional sip”. I understand the three C’s, but what I want to know is how much should I involve our child? My wife always tries to hush me from talking openly about this. However, he is living with this daily. I have stressed to him Mom is sick and I will do everything I can to help her get better so that we can be a happy family again.

  25. Sara says:

    He is in the third week of recovery. And I am trying really hard to feel the way I used to feel before the months of verbal abuse. When drunk, he said things that were unbelievable. Now, he says little.

    As he is looking at 10 years in prison for common assault, he wants me to take responsibility for my reactions. I feel I have been punished enough, and honestly, just want to leave. But after 20 years, and the ‘sweet’ times, I don’t know what to do! It’s hard enough to believe that he really really wants me, when all I have heard is that he doesn’t.

    I understand the above paragraph, by Lil’ Nel, the sneering and verbal abuse. I cried on my way home from work, because I knew what I was walking into. I know I didn’t cause, can’t control, and certainly, cannot cure him. But I also wonder if our relationship is a part of his problem.

    He sent flowers to his sister-in-law to apologize for a drunk phone call from jail. That really hurt me. What do we get? What is our apology???????

    Really gotta work on the resentment. Really gotta work on me. Not sure if I can while I am with him.

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